Wasn’t this whole “conservatives don’t get that Stephen Colbert is a teevee satirist” sort of a 2009 thing? OH WAIT, we are talking about South Carolina, so maybe we have to factor in some kind of years-long time delay? The state’s Republican party is hard up for cash to hold their primary, so they agreed to allow Colbert’s Super PAC to add a humorous question to the GOP presidential primary ballot asking voters to decide whether “corporations are people” or “people are people” in exchange for a giant dump truck full of cash. Someone eventually got the memo, but not before the question made it onto the sample ballots and the state Supreme Court was forced to tell the cheap floozies in the Republican party to leave the ballot alone. NOPHAIR!

The other possibility, of course, is that they are just that desperate that they will take even the funny munnies. But no, because who has ever even heard of some politicians selling their souls for a couple bucks?

From the Columbia Free-Times:

The Comedy Central satirist — and South Carolina native — approached state Republican Party officials a few months ago about making a significant contribution to the party through his Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow super PAC.

In return, Colbert requested the party place a ballot question on the state’s first-in-the-South GOP presidential primary set for Jan. 21, that dealt with corporate personhood. The party agreed and on Nov. 11 asked state election officials to add a ballot referendum that asked voters to decide whether “corporations are people” or “only people are people.”

Colbert also wanted to sponsor a debate, but the state Republican Party eventually decided that a partnership with the Comedy Central star’s super PAC wasn’t going to work.


The corporate personhood question, however, still ended up being printed on sample primary ballots, according to State Elections Commission spokesman Chris Whitmire. But it will not end up in front of voters on Jan. 21, he says, because a recent state Supreme Court ruling struck all questions from being allowed on the ballot.

Since when was America so serious about letting millionaire personalities screw around with elections? [Columbia Free-Times]

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  • Plowmon

    I love getting in touch with my corporateness…

    • Barrelhse

      I'm going public.

    • Callyson

      That's what got Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, Christopher Lee et al in trouble…

      • littlebigdaddy

        I thought that was going *pubic*?

    • sbj1964

      I thought SOILENT GREEN is people?

    • bagofmice

      I pack my PAC in Caaaarolina!

    • Angry_Marmot

      It's the limited liability that I love.

    • Negropolis

      I love getting touched on my Super PAC.

  • memzilla

    The South Caroline GOP's confusination is easily explained. Rethuglicans don't get irony or satire. When they hear Colbert's audience laughing. they think "They're laughing because it's true," not "They're laughing because it's batsh*t crazy enough to be a John Boehner talking point."

    If Newt "Child Labor Brigade" Gingrich were to update and plagiarize Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," don't you think Faux News would endorse it as a good plan?

    "I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation."

    • Callyson

      Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"
      Also known as "The Republican Jobs Plan." Just as "don't get sick" is their health care policy, "don't get old" is their employment policy…

      • RavenRant

        Don't get caught in the machinery or blowed up is their Occupational Safety plan.

    • HogeyeGrex


      I miss Jon Swift.

    • dadanarchist

      "Rethuglicans don't get irony or satire."

      This is exactly right, and that's because modern Rethuglican/Conservatives don't get subtlety. They don't understand nuance. Everything for them is either/or, black/white, good/evil Manichean thinking, a product of their Christo-fascist ideology. In fact, they attack liberals precisely for subtlety, which they mistake as weakness.

      That's why they don't get irony or satire – it requires subtlety and nuance. And that's why they can't imitate the Daily Show/Colbert model – it requires a scalpel, not a meat cleaver.

    • banana_bread

      I am so willing to take you up on this idea. Then I can email it to Newt!

  • HempDogbane

    It's hard to choose between money-loving whores and the other kind.

    • Tundra Grifter


      The ones who are really in the business just for love?

      Yeh, I saw Pretty Woman. But I don't think it was a documentary.

      • HempDogbane

        per RavenRant below, the other kind is monkey-loving whores, though there is likely some overlap.

    • iburl

      What's the other kind? Pimp lovin'?

    • There are whores out there who *hate* munniez?

    • HogeyeGrex

      To quote William S. Burroughs,

      "Avoid whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want mooooooore money much more these are the most expensive whores what can be bought."

      • V572 the Merciless

        Ol' Bill — is there any topic on which he didn't have the definitive statement?

    • Negropolis

      There's another kind and variety of whore? What fresh hell is this?!

  • dadanarchist

    The best aspect of this story is that Colbert's comedic irony would significantly raise the level of discourse in the South Carolina GOP.

    • Terry

      Set the bar a little lower. This is the GOP we're talking about. It would be nice if Colbert's comedic irony distracted them from taking hookers to cemeteries quite so often.

  • byepluto

    I want the truthiness. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTHINESS!

  • arihaya

    I don't blame the SC GOPs too much.. Stephen Colbert presented more facts than any host on Fox News, so maybe they thought he's a real deal

    • More people get their news from The Colbert Report than any other species!

      (Yes, that was a Daily Show blurb from a decade ago, but I still love it.)

  • Rotundo_

    So how many laps past satire does reality have to lap before the checkered flag drops and the flippin' race is over? Satire at this point is pretty much stationary isn't it?

    • Oh, hon, satire long since curled up her toes and DIED.

  • HempDogbane

    What do you think?
    How trustworthy do you consider your corporation/elected official to be?

    Very Trustworthy

    Somewhat Trustworthy


    Somewhat Untrustworthy

    Very Untrustworthy

    • Callyson

      Trustworthy to robbing and stealing? Very Trustworthy (for both.)

  • HateMachine

    Colbert should just keep his filthy money if he isn't going to take buying political clout seriously.

  • sbj1964

    Corporations are NOT People !

    • Shhh, don't let Mittens hear you.

      • HedonismBot

        If a corporation were a person, it would be Mitt Romney.

        • heathenette


      • RadioYKWE

        Or SCOTUS.

    • HogeyeGrex

      What, just because you can't make Soylent Green out of corporations?

      Meh. Pipe down and eat your rat-on-a-stick.

    • fuflans

      the fuck?

    • paris biltong

      The unfortunate use of the term "person" in "legal person" or "artificial person" causes confusion.The terms are probably inherited from Britain, but "legal entities and individuals" is a lot clearer than "legal and natural persons" IMO. It is worse in French, where the distinction is between "personne morale" and "personne physique" and suggests that corporations are moral persons.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Time to bring this out again: I'll believe corporations are people after Texas executes one of them

  • If he can (almost) buy space on the primary ballot, how much longer before candidates just include their corporate sponsors as well.

    Newt Gingrich, a unit of Allied Pharmaceuticals
    Microsoft® Mitt Romney 8.0
    Rick Santorum, brought to you by KY

    • memzilla

      Actually, I'm in favor of having Congresspeople wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, with corporate logos stitched on, in the same relative size as their campaign donations griftings.

      • Negropolis

        It's so much easier to spot whores when they are in their uniforms.

      • Bezoar

        This is the best idea I've ever heard today, or even all week. My wife is great with Photoshop, I'm going to get her right on this. The rest of you too, get busy!!

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        ya mean somethin' like this?

    • sezme

      Ron Paul, from the acclaimed director Peter Jackson!

    • valgal2342

      Make that KY Jelly.

    • Santorum is a bottom,

      • Nostrildamus

        also intellectually.

  • mavenmaven

    But all voters who answer the question will receive a six pack of refreshing Bud Lite Lime!

    • Rotundo_

      And it tastes like carbonated ass!

  • sbj1964

    Once again the Supreme Court got it wrong. People are people. Corporations are businesses,not the same thing no matter what they're Lap dogs of the GOP say !

  • coolhandnuke

    I have donated $50 to the Human Fund in the name of the South Carolina GOP Inc.

    • flamingpdog

      I first read that as the Herman Fund. Somebody please hit me over the head with cain.

      • Jesus, no! He smells like sweaty Old Ballz.

        • chicken_thief

          No wonder he didn't have much luck with the ladies. Except Ginger "Perpetual Sinus Blockage" White, that is.

          • She said she cried after having sex with him once. Maybe her sinuses finally cleared.

          • DahBoner


            If Herman Cain just finished screwing you, you'd cry too…

          • Now that you mention it (pulls up pants, shuffles away crying)

      • Indiepalin

        And when Kruger found out what the Human Fund really was, he had to fire George Costanza. So much for Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

  • RavenRant

    I initially read this headline as 'Monkey-Loving Whores'. 'Money-Loving Whores' is pretty pedestrian in contrast.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I heard on the radio Pakistan has banned some 1,700 words and phrases from Twitter.

      One was "monkey crotch."

      • not that Dewey

        I guess there's no point in my even opening a twitter account, now. "Monkey crotch" was about 70% of what I had planned to tweet, and it would have totally raised the level of discourse on the twitter.

    • flamingpdog

      Monkey-Loving Whores and Their Chimp Pimps – NEXT on the Jerry Springer Show.

      • RavenRant

        Or at the Trump debate.

    • flamingpdog

      Slightly OT, but it appears that ol' Crazy-Eyes would not approve of Monkey-Loving Whores.

      • RavenRant

        Pearl Harbor libel and bestiality. These are the GOP hot topics now.

        I swear their is a virus or parasite eating their already meager brains.

        • DahBoner

          Most Republicans starve that virus…

        • reliefsinn

          Don't forget the Muppet Conspiracy.
          Piggy libel!

          • RavenRant

            That particular dimwitted 'controversy' had momentarily slipped my mind. We are living in a carnival sideshow. And it's not nearly as fun as it should be.

    • Negligently_Joe

      I'm so tired of these Monkey-Loving whores on this this Monday-thru-Friday plane!

      Actually no wait that sounds kinda awesome.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Except for Ron Paul and the three invisible Republicans they won't let debate, you know and I know every single other one of the candidates will standup for corporate rights faster than they would individual rights. Maybe it's time the media realized that it wasn't so much the candidates that are terrible but what the candidates believe that makes them terrible?

    • Geminisunmars

      Nah – the candidates are pretty terrible too.

    • flamingpdog

      the three invisible Republicans?

    • Negropolis

      I hope you aren't including Jon Huntsman among the invisible three, because that guy is the quintessential corporate prostitute. Hell, his fucking family name is the name of his family's corporation.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, and Buddy Roemer.

        • Negropolis

          Thanks. I'd totally forgot about Karger. I thought he'd dropped out.

    • Negligently_Joe

      Give or take a Ron Paul, maybe.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    No, no, no. Soylent Green is People!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Trump can host a debate, but someone like Colbert, that actually knows what is going on, can't? What is wrong with this picture.

    On the other hand, the Trump debate will be far funnier.

    • flamingpdog

      Especially when it turns out to be Newt <strike?>playing with debating himself.

      • RadioYKWE

        He's their master debater who can stand toe to pod with Obamao.

        • Negligently_Joe

          He is, at very least, an intellectual master debater.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Shouldn't the question have been:

    Corporations: People? Or the Best People?

  • spends2much

    South Carolina is the saddest and dumbest Carolina. And that's saying a lot.

  • RavenRant

    I would love to see Colbert moderating a GOP debate. Or Lewis Black.

    • I nominate Chris Rock, or Gilbert Gottfried.

      • RavenRant

        Chris Rock would probably do a damn good job. Gilbert Gottfried would give them what they deserve – humiliation.

        I counter-nominate DL Hughely. Or for extra surrealism, a tag team of David Cross and Bob Odenkirk.

    • finallyhappy

      no one can moderate Lewis Black!

    • fitley

      Colbert would be a great moderator. He has such a dry delivery. Honestly, I think Comedy Central should have Lewis Black do the after the debate
      commentary. I'm sure it would have great ratings and it would be a scream.

      • I'd watch … with popcorn and booze.

    • dadanarchist

      I would love to see Lewis Black host a GOP debate, but I'm afraid that he would stroke out in the middle of the inanity, stupidity, depravity and amorality.

      • RavenRant

        You're right – the risk is too high. How about Larry David?

    • Nostrildamus

      Too bad Sweeney Todd's not still around. He'd be perfect.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Having to choose between Stephen Colbert and Donald Chump as a debate moderator isn't exactly a close call.

    In fact, I'm not sure it's really a choice at all.

  • ttommyunger

    "Stephen Colbert for President." No, wait, he's way too smart to go for that. BTW; every person can prove Citizenship, even Barack Obama. Since corporations are active in American Politics and they're people, I want them to declare and prove their citizenship. Orly Taitz and company should get behind this with me, right?

    • ThundercatHo

      I really don't think you should let her get behind you.

      • ttommyunger

        Ewwww. What was I thinking?

    • V572 the Merciless

      Show us your birf certificate, AT&T!

      • ttommyunger

        No shit!

  • Callyson

    A. “corporations are people”
    B. “only people are people.”
    C. "Republicans are not people."
    D. Both B. and C. are correct
    E. What's the ROI on people?

  • Antispandex

    Corporations – Not people.
    Soilent Green – People.

  • Bluestatelibel

    I will give the South Carolina GOP $50,000.00 if they put up this ballot referendum : "The Republican Party is run by corporate bootlickers who would sell their own mothers to the Chinese for blow and hookers" or "The Republican Party is full of nitwits with the brains of gnats who routinely vote against their own interests." Deal?

    • RavenRant

      Only if there is an 'all of the above' option.

      Also, "The Republican Party is for a government that is very, very small, but paradoxically big enough to have its tentacles up the cooch of every woman and girl in the country."

  • At this point aren't the GOPers providing more (unintentional) comedy than Colbert does intentionally?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      I hope we're all still laughing on Nov 7th

    • Geminisunmars

      Colbert's jerb is so easy.

    • I've noticed that much of current Sat. Night Live script is not even written but is rather just quotes from the current week's newspapers. Even the celebrity skits. They just report some absurd thing a celebrity did — no extra jokes added.

  • Tommmcattt

    At this point the debate is becoming whether or not actual people are "people" as defined by the constitution. Pretty soon, ONLY corporations will be people…

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yes. Corporations are realer people than are real people. It's a matter of "realness." And corporations, having all the money, are realer than the people. Each less-than-realer person now is second class and shall be counted as 3/5 of a person for determining the proportion of representatives. Less-than-realer people shall also be available for janitorial duties in all schools between the hours of 8 AM and 3 PM. And their less-than-realer children shall be available to work as janitors in schools between the hours of 3 PM and 6 AM. S/ The Supremes and The Newt, PhD.

      • RadioYKWE

        They've been people since conception.

  • KathrynSane

    Goddamn I love Stephen Colbert.

  • horsedreamer_1

    The referendum was stricken from the ballot as Depeche Mode is not allowed in South Carolina on suspicion of being French.

    • Negropolis

      And, Bon Jovi is banned from the state for sounding too foreign…and also for being Bon Jovi.

      • Also for Jon Bongiovi being a Democrat who actually spends some of his vast wealth do-gooding for the poor. That, and the fact he's from Jersey.

    • RadioYKWE

      And they need to burn their flags.

  • DaRooster

    Corporations are NOT people…

    Due to a court allowing the language of Santa Clara vs Southern Pacific in 1886… that is why we need to do this. Damn judges not paying attention…

  • sbj1964

    Corporations being given people status? Sounds Like a big Steaming pile of 1984.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Colbert is only the most obvious satirist. Apart from the truly idiotic (Perry, Bachman, Palin) I think almost all of the prominent gooper-wingnut politicians and media types are performance artists. (Ann Coulter nude and covered in chocolate, anyone?) It's as American as Elmer Gantry.

    • flamingpdog

      mAnn Coulter covered in chocolate? She's already full of something brown, although I don't think it's chocolate.

      • HempDogbane

        Here's the recipe: Fire Bar Chocolate Coulter

        175 .5 oz. Vosges Chocolate Red Fire Bars (Mexican ancho y chipotle chillies, Ceylon cinnamon, 55% dark chocolate)

        Melt chocolate bars in double boiler.
        Rinse Coulter in lukewarm water and pat dry with paper towel.
        Dip Coulter slowly and carefully in chocolate. USE TONGS !
        Place chocolate dipped Coulter on wax paper in freezer for 15 minutes.
        Serve with ice cream

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Ann Coulter nude and covered in fire ants…I like that better.

    • chicken_thief

      Caramel coating would go better with her Adam's apple.

  • chascates

    But are South Carolinian Republicans people?

  • Redhead

    Wait, you mean they decided NOT to hold a debate hosted by a comedian getting involved with politics (though no one takes him seriously) with way too much money? But… I was looking forward to watching toupe guy right after Christmas.

  • rocktonsam

    Blue Collar Comedy tour needz to get a PAC. Them Republicans would love Larry the Cable Guy to MC a debate.

    seems about right

    • RavenRant

      "You might be a Republican if…"

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Do corporations become people at the moment the partners conceive of them, or only when the articles of incorporation are filed?

    • flamingpdog

      Neither, unless we're free to abuse, discriminate against, and execute them once the state accepts the articles of incorporation.

  • owhatever

    Should gay corporations be allowed to marry in South Carolina?

    • littlebigdaddy

      And are they persons from the moment when the articles of incorporation are drawn up or when they are approved by the secretary of state?

      • They should only be allowed to be persons in Delaware.

    • Geminisunmars

      Mergers should only be allowed between corporations of opposite investors.

    • valgal2342

      Can corporations be executed?

      • cheetojeebus

        Cut out the middle man, corporations should just hold public office. BP for president!

  • LettucePrey

    Why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?

  • bagofmice

    Obama should just blow Republican minds by incorporating himself as a privately held company. Corporations are people too, my friend.

    It's a corporate birther combo!

    Birth certificate / corporate charter.

  • x111e7thst

    Silly Stephen Soylent Green is people.

  • rocktonsam

    noted dingbat $arha Palin is on FOX NEWZ with her pants on fire

  • iburl

    As much as I want to be a snarky curmudgeon about everything… COLBERT RULES :)

  • LettucePrey

    Colbert/Greene 2016!

    (Try chanting that. It works.)

    • flamingpdog

      Soylent/Greene 2016!

  • There was a GOOPER debate today?

    USA Today published a story claiming that Newt Gingrich broke the law when he said during the Republican Jewish Coalition GOP debate on Wednesday that he would appoint John Bolton, the former ambassador to the UN, as Secretary of State.

    The clause that spares Newt is “for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy.” As TPM reported, Bolton will not indicate if he would accept such a position, nor has he even endorsed a candidate.


    • arihaya

      are there diamond mines in Iran?

      if so no wonder Newt nominated John "Let's Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran" Bolton

    • banana_bread

      Newt should be more careful, seeing as how we upstanding Illinoisans just put another governor in the pen for that.

      Wait, now that I think about it… Newt, any other nominations you'd like to solicit?

  • Colbert is from South Carolina? I don't think so–he speaks intelligible English and has a sense of humor that doesn't (necessarily) involve stories about killing people.

    • Colbert grew up near Charleston, SC. His late father was a prominent physician. He, like many, chose to lose his accent. We are not all knuckle-dragging, cousin-marrying Neanderthals down here.

  • Pfffft. Their big School has a Gamecock as their mascot.
    That's right, Their big big institute of higher learning is named after Chicken Fighting.
    A, "sport" where they tie razor blades to the feet of chickens and bet on which one will kill the other.

    • Jealous ;-)
      You're just mad because you can't have a bumper sticker that says, "You can't lick our cocks!"
      No, I did not go to USC or to Clemson.

  • chicken_thief

    "But it will not end up in front of voters on Jan. 21, he says, because a recent state Supreme Court ruling struck all questions from being allowed on the ballot."

    So, but for the radical judiciary pushing their left wing agenda, the question would have been on the ballot. Fuck me to tears.

  • Negropolis

    I spot an error on that GOP primary ballot question. This is South Carolina, it should read:

    – Corporations are people

    – Only white people are people

    "Only people are people" is still a bridge too far and asking too much of a state still waging war against the United States.

    • Only straight white people are people, and straight men get two votes.

      • Negropolis

        What would that make a gay, black, Mexican Muslin, then? Chopped liver?

        • Well, certainly not an Amurican!!!1!1! Besides chopped livers are Jewish.Also not Amurican!!

  • gullywompr

    Somewhere in South Carolina
    And gravity don't mean a thing…

    • Negropolis

      Elsewhere in South Carolina

      It don't mean a thing
      If it don't have a peen…

    • DahBoner

      Unfortunately, there are no skyscraper BBQ shacks in SC to test out that non-theory…

  • V572 the Merciless

    It's great that Colbert has found something vicious, funny and demonstrative to do with his Super-PAC money. This is way better than the "Rick Parry" stuff.

  • fuflans

    "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

  • RadioYKWE

    Hicks are people.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Great trick ballot question, or the greatest trick ballot question?

  • DahBoner

    Super Moran PAC!!!

  • NickDanger007

    If only Soylent Green was this sort of people.

  • WeHaveIssues

    Republicans, we do "it" for money. The more money the bigger the happy ending!

  • MzNicky

    I want to fuck Stephen Colbert's brains out. No wait, strike that, his brain's too valuable. I want to fuck Stephen Colbert until he's blind. No, that's not right, either. Um … if I were still fertile I would beg Stephen Colbert to implant me with his seed. Okay, that works.

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