THERE ARE NO HAIRBRUSHES IN PRISON  1:58 pm December 7, 2011

Weepy Rod Blagojevich To Rot In Prison For 14 Years

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

If only parachutes worked in the other direction...The end of the comedy career of noted political humorist Rod Blagojevich has finally come as he was sentenced to 168 months in jail today, because America has lost its taste for jokes, rampant male sexiness and Elvis impersonators in one fell swoop. Blaggy has had many valuable fucking contributions to humor, such as the time he dragged a dead Illinois child onto stage at a press conference, or the time he outed himself as a secret Negro because he shined shoes as a child, just to name a couple! Annnnd we could fill this space with several thousand more examples that can also be easily found with a quick search of the Wonkette archives, but let us hear what Rod had to say for himself before sentencing…

He apologized! Poor Blago had to go “full nuclear” and for the first time in his life admit to the smallest hint of self-awareness. Will miracles never cease?

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

“I want to take this opportunity to apologize to you for fighting this case in the media,” Blagojevich told Judge Zagel.

“I also want to apologize for challenging the prosecutors. I was very keen on your comments yesterday on how I saw it as a ‘boxing match. ‘I saw it actually that way. I studied Alexander Hamilton, back in the 18th Century… It was inappropriate. It was childish and not productive.”

Blagojevich apologized for all his comments he said were “immature…petty…ugly…self-centered…self-absorbed.”

“If this case was about being self-absorbed, I would have walked in and plead guilty immediately,” Blagojevich said.

Blago has been sorry for all this since he began studying politics in the eighteenth century, is how sorry he is. Find any convicted felon today who is more sorry than that! To which the judge said of his apology, “you must be fucking kidding me.” And then Blaggy wept. All that self-awareness for nothing! [Chicago Sun-Times/Twitter]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 195 comments }

sbj1964 December 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

What a crooked Illinois politician? Yeah right? Mickey Blago once offered to sell his seat on the subway to an old women.What a gentlemen.

Crowe2011 December 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Rod Blagojevich prison watch, day 1. Rod points to his, as yet unviolated posterior and announces "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, I'm not just going to give it away for nothing."

chascates December 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

PalinzADummy December 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Tell Rick Purreh that.

OneDollarJuana December 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

His fellow cons might find out if Blago's curtains match his drapes. And are as lush.

hunnybee December 7, 2011 at 3:38 pm

oh that's a good one.

Chillwaver December 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Just remember, Blago: the trick is to kick someone's ass the first day, or else become somebody's bitch.

Indiepalin December 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

weejee December 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Blago better get a real short haircut. He goes in with his regular 'do' and he'll really find prison sucks.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Or that he sucks in prison.

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

"Ever been punked in the ass for being a wiseguy?"

JustPixelz December 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I assume this is a preview of Newt's apology to America for his own behavior.

PalinzADummy December 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Newt doesn't DO apology.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 7, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Let's hold off on that, until we have him looking at 14 years in the pen.

Goonemeritus December 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

But sometimes Blaggy gets his just desserts.

Swampgas_Man December 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Why don't bad things happen to bad people more often?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 7, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Wrong thread.

jus_wonderin December 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I hope he gets some "protection" in prison.

KeepFnThatChicken December 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Dude, he's sporting the +3 Jason's Fleece. That shit is bulletproof, and will cause all dicks to point to six.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 7, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I read that as "I hope he gets some protein in prison." Can't imagine why.

Joshua Norton December 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

A corrupt pol admitting to doing something wrong? Must be a Dem. Repukes will just default to playing the victim, whine how it's not their fault and the liberal media is out to get them.

And besides it's not their fault.

Not their fault. Also. Too.

Fault, not theirs.

You know the drill.

PalinzADummy December 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

You're channeling Tom DeLay, ain'tcha?

Joshua Norton December 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Bingo.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 7, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I'm sure he's sorry if he offended anyone.

SmutBoffin December 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I can wait to read excerpts from his self-obsessed (and in progress already, probably) prison memoir.

It will be like "Letters from a Birmingham Jail", but written by a dumbass.

Oblios_Cap December 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Or maybe an even worse version of "My Struggle".

ifthethunderdontgetya December 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Justice is for Blagos, and not banksters, he typed cynically and without much Hope or Change.
~

ShitFilledExistence December 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

14 years is fucking golden.

jus_wonderin December 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I thought 14 years was celebrated with Ivory. (???)

weejee December 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Two tusks up.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

He may just be celebrating with some Ebony wood in between his Ivories.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Blagojevich apologized for all his comments he said were “immature…petty…ugly…self-centered…self-absorbed.”

Blago/any wingnut Rethuglican/2028!

SexySmurf December 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Just remember Blago, soap-on-a-rope is a fucking valuable thing. You don't just give it away for a few cigarettes.

PalinzADummy December 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

In his case, it's dope-on-a-rope.

memzilla December 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Survivor: Joliet. Co-starring Jake and Elwood Blues. Weeknights at 8 Eastern, on ION Television.

Steverino247 December 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Now, go get your fuckin' shine box!

memzilla December 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Nice Goodfellas reference. Wonder what the bribe is to not have "Tiny" go "Full Pesci" on you?

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

"Spit-polish THIS, bitch."

paris biltong December 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

He is contrite about the fact that he tried to defend himself against what turned out to be true charges. He's being punished for that? Is pleading guilty a new obligation? He more than deserves it but I have a feeling he's paying for others who have been getting off.

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

He's not contrite. He's doing what his attorney suggested he do as a last-ditch effort to gain leniency.

BerkeleyBear December 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

He is trying to fake contrition because the judge, after listening to his bullshit for 2 plus years, made it clear he wasn't buying his story up until then of a good guy misled by others, and his lawyers were throwing a hail mary for a shorter sentence.

Taking responsibility and showing true remorse are mitigating factors in sentencing under Federal Judicial Sentencing guidelines. But how you conduct yourself during your trial can count either way, too. Blago didn't just defend himself, he attacked the judge, the prosecutors and made a bunch of claims in the press he couldn't substantiate. That all goes to aggravating factors.

Oh, and in this one instance, no one has been getting off. Other than Blago's brother, who seemed like a chump by comparison, everyone charged either flipped on him, was convicted after trial then cooperated, or (in one memorable case) killed himself rather than go to prison. There's been at least 5 guilty pleas or verdicts before Blago, which is what made his obstinate claims of ignorance and innocence so ridiculous.

paris biltong December 7, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Now you tell me. I shoudda had you as my lawyer.

Generation[redacted] December 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Watch your cornhole, dude. It's a fucking valuable thing. You don't want to just give it away.

Tommmcattt December 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Wow, talk about hard time. You know you've hit rock bottom if you're bargaining for that tired piece of ringmeat…

paris biltong December 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Speaking from personal experience, the worst that happened to me there was having mostly ping-pong as a distraction. Mind you, it was not in Illinois and not for fourteen years.

Negropolis December 8, 2011 at 2:33 am

If it was in France, they probably let you out for the day and asked you to return for bed.

Eve8Apples December 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm

He shouldn't have any problem selling his seat over the next 14 years.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Are cigarettes still legal tender in the hoosegow?

Lucidamente1 December 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

When does he have to surrender his haircut to U.S. Marshals?

Swampgas_Man December 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Blag's haircut made a daring escape today, running off w/ Rick Perry's head. Neither will be missed.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Tommy Lee Jones with Rod's hairdo? LOL!

DaRooster December 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

"I studied Alexander Hamilton, back in the 18th Century…"

You were not alive in the 18th Century… sheesh, Moran.
.
.

(note to self… read further)

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

"He's on all of my unmarked tens."

DemonicRage December 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

OMG! Wonkette bloggers descend to an orgy of what they like best: kicking someone when they're down. Or is it cornhole jokes? I can't remember which is the more favored sport here?

natoslug December 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

The best orgies include kicking down someone's favored cornhole.

hollywooddood December 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I just come here for the dick jokes.

Tommmcattt December 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Do we have to pick? It's a smorgasbord of delights today!

DaRooster December 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

All of 'em… Cornholes.

lowaltflier December 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

It ebbs and flows. From Butt sex to truck nuts and then tea bagging.
Who knows what will be next.
It is why I keep coming back.

Oblios_Cap December 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Unfortunately, we're merely pikers compared to the Rush Limbaughs and Bill O'Reillys of the world.

bagofmice December 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Corn hole down! I repeat, we have a corn hole down! I expect a team of wonketeers on top of the situation in minutes.

Steverino247 December 7, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole. Are you threatening me?

DaRooster December 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Just act like a crazy mutha fucker… should be easy for you.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Anti-psychotic drugs are a wunnerful thing, Blago. Keep taking 'em in prison, butt-boy.

hollywooddood December 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

What is it now? One down, a thousand to go?

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

After that thousand they should expand the hunt to beyond the statehouse.

Callyson December 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

"The harm here is not measured in the value of money and property," Judge Zagel tells Blagojevich.
"The harm is the erosion of the public trust in government; [people's] confidence in and trust in government," Zagel said.
Good logic, Judge…can you go after the Republicans in Congress now?

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

OCCUPY THE COURT!

JustPixelz December 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Blagojevich put the "ill" in "Illinois"

"Rod" will not be his prison nickname. Perhaps he'll answer to "Blow me bitch"

I'd love to see his rendition of "Jailhouse Rock" — "Number 47 said to number 3, you're the cutest jailbird I ever did see".

PuckStopsHere December 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

He's gonna get his own show on MSNBC now! Sure, it will only air on weekends, but still…

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

win

freakishlywrong December 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Hair, hair Blags. Hair's hoping you can talk your way out of anything.

Terry December 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Old Blago was born a century or so too late. He'd have fit in fine in Chicago in the old days.

Come here a minute December 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Jesse Jackson Jr. found Blago's apology very convincing.

Redhead December 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"“I want to take this opportunity to tell you how scared I am to actually go to prison and share a cell with Big Daddy, who will make me call him daddy every night as I cry real tears, oh god I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, and they won't even have hair gel in there! and God I'm so so sorry that I was argumentative enough that you're sending me somewhere where I won't have hair gel!" Blagojevich told Judge Zagel."

Blueb4sunrise December 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Dern it, there's a breaking Newt story:
He wants to be dictator of Syria.

Gingrich says he would "replace" Assad
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57338554-5

starfanglednut December 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Newt Gingrich indicated Wednesday that he would unilaterally "replace" Syrian President Bashar al-Assad because he is running a "bad dictatorship."

As opposed to Newt, who would run a good dictatorship?

Blueb4sunrise December 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Whatever moneys the Assad clan has gathered, Newt intends to show them how it's REALLY done.

Swampgas_Man December 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

He'll only be paid for his knowledge as a historian.

chicken_thief December 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Earning to Learn, Part 2!!!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Finally, a job Newt is naturally qualified for!

paris biltong December 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Funny, I'd have though that, since Assad is an ophthalmologist, Rand Paul would be the GOP's first choice to replace him.

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Gingrich did not say how he would remove Assad, and acknowledged there would be "consequences" to such an overt U.S. action. He said that as president, it would be his job to manage them. "Now that means you have consequences and have to be much better at managing the consequences than this administration has been," he said on the Don Wade & Roma radio show. "But I think none the less getting rid of Assad will lead to a better future than keeping him there."

Newt will do everything faster, better and cheaper than President Obama would have. Not that he knows how any of that will happen, but rest assured, it'll be great.

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I am so resting assured.

Might be time to redouble stumping efforts for the Kenyan.

hunnybee December 7, 2011 at 3:47 pm

i concur.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Did he give details on how he would pay for it?

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Like many other great conservative ideas, this one probably pays for itself.

Chet Kincaid December 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Genius Newt is not smart enough to know that a President should wear gloves to maintain Plausible Deniability. Jesus, even a "Texas Businessman reportedly named George Bush" knows better!

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Wow, that's harsh — Jack Abramoff got what, two years and then six months delivering pizza for screwing over tens of thousands of American Indians and Marianas Islanders and is now some allegedly anti-corruption crusader. Not that the sentence Blago received was unfair — rather that Abramoff should be breaking rocks in Leavenworth until his black trenchcoat rots off his skeletal form.

Ruhe December 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Is it safe to assume that Jack was holding a bigger bag of dirt?

BerkeleyBear December 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Well, when the biggest guy to roll on you gets 10 to 12 (Rezko) it sorta ups that ante. I know that a lot of people felt burned by Abramoff's sentence, and I can't claim I understand it, but Blago made the number one mistake of pissing off the judge early in this case. It got him a hung jury the first time around, but anyone with a basic knowledge of federal courts could have told him it would bite him in the ass if he ever got convicted on multiple counts.

fuflans December 8, 2011 at 12:07 am

wait!! what!?!? jack is rehabilitated and making the npr PR tour.

blago has to wait 12-ish years for his 15 minutes.

Mumbletypeg December 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Somewhere, a former romance book-cover model is out looking for a new stage partner.

(Imitation Elvis-armswing @ 3:24 mark, you're welcome)

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Yikes, I'd forgotten about that. I hope he knows "Love Me Tender."

Mumbletypeg December 7, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Ha! Not with that singing voice. Now's as good a time as any for him to learn to button his lip.

Nostrildamus December 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

That asshole is fucking golden!

MiniMencken December 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Well, Alexander Hamilton was a bastard, after all.

Oblios_Cap December 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm

*bang*

*plop*

kingcocrazy December 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

This being Illinois, Rod still has plenty of time to bribe the appropriate appeals court judges and get his conviction overturned. On the good side, at least he now has a conviction.

BerkeleyBear December 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Federal court – the 7th Circuit couldn't give a shit about Illinois political favors, and they have jobs for life. They wouldn't let Ryan out on compassionate leave to see his dying wife. Plus, if he draws Posner or Easterbrook on his panel, not only will they skewer his arguments, they'll do it with heavy sarcasm and more than a touch of glee (that's just how they roll).

Chet Kincaid December 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Yeah, that worked so well for every other convicted IL Governor and Chicago Alderman.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm

After court was over, Patti Blagojevich buried her head in her husband's chest.

Rod, the Herminator is disappointed in you. Push down harder next time.

joobajooba December 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm

"He will also get mitigation credit for All Kids."

I wonder if Sandusky will try that.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Does that include foster kids? If Michele ever gets arrested for anything, she can count on doing NO time then?

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:43 pm

O/T but it's being reported that Sandusky has been arrested, again.

Ruhe December 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Blago went full-nuclear with the self awareness and that didn't work. Maybe he should have gone all full-Winston-Smith on the Judge.

"My hope is that I will be executed while my mind is still clean."

Maybe?

James Michael Curley December 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Rat meet rats.

Not_So_Much December 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Bet his luxurious 'doo isn't as luxurious when he comes out (of prison, not the Closet).

Baconzgood December 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Immature, petty, ugly, self-centered, self-absorbed? It's been a while since we heard about Sarah Palin.

SorosBot December 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Now, Blago, can you apologize for basically handing the Republicans a Senate seat in a state that's usually reliably Democratic?

BerkeleyBear December 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Only reliably Dem at a state-wide level since 2002 (ironically, when Blago got elected). And I actually blame the Speaker of the Assembly for losing the Senate seat. If Mike Madigan wasn't such an ass, his popular daughter and AG Lisa could have run and beaten Kirk even in 2010's climate. But because she won't run for anything higher while he's still pissing people off, Giannoulias (who Obama's people tried to warn off running because he was so green and had heavy baggage from his family's bank issues) was the only serious Dem in the race. He still almost won even as Melissa Bean lost to psycho Joe Walsh.

Chet Kincaid December 7, 2011 at 10:02 pm

It seems like every politician under 45 in IL is running away from the rep of their Old Man. Blago's father-in-law, whose daughter is also an elected official, almost got his ass literally kicked by some black aldermen over his dickish handling of Chicago redistricting. And little Jesse Jackson? Well, the unctuous doesn't fall far from the tree.

grex1949 December 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Fourteen years in the federal slammer for really not much more than buffoonery, while the real thieves swoosh downhill in Vail or Switzerland with Benjamins flying out of their pockets. Not that Blago is pity-worthy, mind you, but we do need to turn our attention to the people that caused the housing crisis at some point, don't we? When are those people going to pay the piper?

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Apparently the SEC and Justice Department just can't find anything on those guys, according to this weekend's "60 Minuets" (sic – can you sic yourself if you write something intentionally??) despite the fact that they haven't even interviewed the whistle blowers. WTF??

grex1949 December 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I saw that segment, too. My conclusion was that Mr. Lanny Breuer should be pounding the pavement looking for another job. As a prosecutor, he should know that the perpetrators rarely present themselves, evidence in hand, demanding to be arrested for their crimes. What more proof does he need to go after Countrywide? Jeebus.

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Watching him with his flop sweat reminded me of that bit that Martin Short did (for SNL?) where he is being interviewed by 60 Min. He is nervously smoking a cigarette and the sweat is pouring off of him.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Remember when a visit from 60 Minutes was something to be feared?

Negligently_Joe December 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Probably shortly after we prosecute the people who rolled out a program of torture on American soil for crimes against humanity? I don't recommend holding your breath, is what I'm saying.

Ducksworthy December 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Or, he could switch parties and run for Prezident. Being in prison might be a bonus.

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn?

Oooops. Put this in the wrong place.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

You know who else went to prison, then wrote a book?

freakishlywrong December 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Johnny Cash? (Hair?)

SorosBot December 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Malcolm X?

Thurman Munster IV December 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

All of them, Katie?

DaRooster December 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Dick Cheney?

He didn't go to prison? WTF?!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Nor did Nixon.

Negligently_Joe December 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Jack Abramoff?

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Walnuts?

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2011 at 2:52 pm

O. Henry? (Yes, I watched Jeopardy last night).

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I grew up loving O. Henry, and this made me look him up. He was more interesting than I ever imagined.

Chichikovovich December 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Dostoyevsky? J-V Poncelet? Oscar Wilde? Bertrand Russell? …

This one's tough.

Negligently_Joe December 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Gaius Balter?

paris biltong December 7, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Sinead Morrissey?

RadioYKWE December 7, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Martha Stewart?

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Win.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

The Apostle Paul?

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn?

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Shorter list – who wrote a book who hasn't gone to prison?

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Dr. Seuss?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Sorry: Convicted for practicing medicine without a license, 1973.

Mumbletypeg December 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Andrei Sakharov?

Ruhe December 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Worth noting that fellow Illinoisian Dan Rostenkowski, who may not have been a complete douche before prison, nonetheless emerged from prison a changed man and went on a bit of a mini crusade against the foolishness of drug-crime sentences.

starfanglednut December 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm

He should go to jail for the hair alone.

KeepFnThatChicken December 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm

IN PRISON BUTTSECKS IS NOT A SURPRIZE

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

The Buttsecks is fuckin' golden. You don't just give that up for free.

flamingpdog December 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

At teh Wonkette, the mention of buttsecks is not a surprize.

Geminisunmars December 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm

No matter what the topic.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 8:15 pm

It's really more of a cherished tradition.

Extemporanus December 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

TRUE FACT: Rod Blagojevich delivered, word for word, that very same futile, mewling apology last year to host Donald Trump on Celebrity Apprentice minutes before being fired — at the urging of everyone on his team save ultimate winner and former Poison frontman Bret Michaels — over his utterly inept losing performance as project manager on the "Universal Studios Harry Potter Experience" challenge.

bagofmice December 7, 2011 at 3:42 pm

That is a disturbingly large and relevant amount of reality tv based data. What algorithm do you use?

sbj1964 December 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Mickey Blago, Sounds like a Criminal name.

SpiderCrab December 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

He's still a lot more likeable than Jack Abramoff. Or Lloyd Blankfein.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm

So, any truth to the rumor that his hair only got two years in exchange for testifying for the prosecution?

Barrelhse December 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Guess it didn't play in Peoria, eh, Blago?

DaRooster December 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

That's only 7 years with Good Time… Have a good time.

Bonghits4Jesus December 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

You are so wrong. America has not lost its taste for jokey Elvis impersonators. New Gingrich is on the rise like the Hindenburg.

GeorgiaBurning December 7, 2011 at 3:09 pm

There's a couple ironies in that statement. Does Newt smoke?

Woodshedding December 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Wonkette, I love you with all my heart but I think maybe you're being duped on this one. The guy for sure looks like an idiot scumbag and apparently has the social graces of a rhinoceros. But come on. He urged everyone to not do business with Bank of America.

You wouldn't need to know ANYTHING about him to know that, and that alone, is the reason he was politically assassinated. Who was it who did the study that revealed only two congressmen are NOT on the take.

Look at the things he did and the things he stood behind. He promoted a ban on assault rifles, and vetoed a bill that would have deleted records of gun purchases and removed the waiting period in certain instances. He vetoed bills that would allow trucks to speed. He introduced and signed into law a bill that would require universal healthcare for all children regardless of income or immigrations status.

Clearly, this guy made POWERFUL ENEMIES. It definitely sounds like he had no more taste than … gosh, I don't know what, some kind of complete moron – but look at his priorities. It's too bad he was idiotic enough to overstep financial propriety boundaries but in this one case you know what? The "everybody does it" excuse almost kind of makes sesne. Not that it's a valid excuse, but that if we want that kind of activity to stop, we've got a helluva lot more work to do than putting just this one moron in jail.

StarsUponThars December 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Sounds like the "Yes Mussolini was a brutal Fascist but he made the trains run on time" defense. Blago's good deeds were overshadowed by his attempt to use public office for personal gain. If he was politically assassinated, then it was he who put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger. In my irrelevant opinion, "putting just this one moron in jail" is a great way to start the day.

mrblifil December 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

He fantasized aloud about selling his Senate nomination, and then acted like the world's biggest douchebag in response to the outcry. He may make a mean omelette or have a very sophisticated DVD collection, but he's going away for being an asshole (and also for protecting the equally corrupt functionaries around him).

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:55 pm

If being an asshole was a reason to send someone to prison, well, things would be pretty nice here on the outside.

Woodshedding December 7, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Yes, thanks, that's pretty much what I meant to say. I do agree with Stars that putting this moron in jail is a good way to start the day. My concern is more that something about this whole situation stinks, and the clues are in who his enemies were as well as the clearly non-greedy intentions in the legislation he promoted. [I don't agree with Stars that being involved in bribery makes you comparable to Mussolini, but I'm going to assume we just read different history books and drop that particular topic of conversation.]

Fantasizing publicly about something… is a criminal offense? Man, I'm screwed.

I like the comment "Did he go to jail for being crooked, or beiing a crooked Democrat?"

Again, as far as I'm aware there's not substantial reason for defending him or anything. I just feel uncomfortable about jumping on the trash truck that trillionaire B of A not to mention the NRA, Chamber of Commerce, etc, sent out to pick him up. They might well have played up his buffoonery sufficiently to convince some that he was… well, the equivalent of Mussolini. Oops, and right after I promised to drop that subject. My bad.

Chet Kincaid December 7, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Give me a fucking break, what hood doesn't pass out a couple of turkeys at Christmas to perfume the stink of his venality? If Blago wanted to do so much fucking good as a politician, why did he spend so much effort pissing off everyone in state government and politics who could help him actually accomplish anything?

banana_bread December 8, 2011 at 1:13 am

Super true. That is why I refuse to give George Ryan any credit for suspending the death penalty – he knew he was looking at prison and did whatever was most convenient to cover up the blood stains already on his hands.

FlownOver December 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

It will be well worth it if he gets better broadband.

mrblifil December 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm

His inputs will be widened, that much is certain.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 7, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Definitely going to have a bigger pipe for his downloads.

DahBoner December 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Maybe the law firm on the Good Wife will finally take his case now????

chicken_thief December 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Judge Zagel was clearly an Aaron Burr fan and punished Blogo mightily for quoting that non-shooting fuck Hamilton.

Nostrildamus December 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Break the law.
(Be a Democrat.)
Go to jail!

BarackMyWorld December 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Is he going to "white-collar resort" prison, or to federal "pound me in the ass" prison?

mrblifil December 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Staying out of prison turned out to be the most fucking valuable thing. Go figure.

RadioYKWE December 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Who are we going to laugh at now?…oh, wait, my bad.

actor212 December 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Blagojevich.

Always sounded like a Jerry Lewis line. "Blagojevich! Mach Leben, nice laydee!"

actor212 December 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Sentence to be served as a hair model at the Wilfred School of Beauty.

RavenRant December 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I am so disappointed that the judge didn't really say, "You must be fucking kidding me.”

That would have been AWESOME!

Wonderthing December 7, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I want better broadband…in jail. –R.B.

chascates December 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm

And from the 'Taking-things-out-of-context Department' (WND) Obama on 'trickle-down':
ALM BEACH, Fla. – Radio giant Rush Limbaugh says Barack Obama has "outed" himself as a "dumb," anti-American socialist and perhaps Marxist after the president's speech suggested the American way of life has "never worked."

"After the three years, the cat's out of the bag," Limbaugh said this afternoon."After three years, everybody now knows why I wanted you to fail. Everybody that heard that speech now knows that you said America as founded has never worked. You have outed yourself, Barack, if I may call you that. You've come out. Maybe you'll be on the cover of the next Advocate (a homosexual magazine) because you just outed yourself, sir. You have nothing but contempt for this country."

The article goes on to quote Obama stating that the 'trickle-down' effect from the rich just doesn't work; no mention that 'America as founded has never worked'. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN HIS STATEMENT WHAT OBAMA MEANT YOU GITS!!!

RavenRant December 7, 2011 at 4:16 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Limbaugh Lies! With every breath he takes.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I thought Boss Limbaugh said he never said he hoped Obama would fail?

Antispandex December 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Did he go to jail for being crooked, or beiing a crooked Democrat? Because, you know, that is ALMOST as bad as that hair-don't he wore so sharply.

DerrickWildcat December 7, 2011 at 4:01 pm

If it is too rainy or cold to go outside on the weekend, I watch all the prison shows on MSNBC so I'm kind of an expert on this. If this guy just minds his own business, lifts weights, swears allegiance to the right gang and gets all the appropriate tattoos, he will not have to stay there all 14 years. That is if he doesn't get caught stabbing a rival gang member or get caught smuggling drugs up his butt. He might be able to run for Governor of Chicago again in 8 years.

chascates December 7, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Isn't there a special 'Illinois Politicians Wing' in some prison?

RavenRant December 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm

No poetry recitations!?! No If? No Ulysses?

gurukalehuru December 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I'll bet he's out in 18 months, maybe half that. Still, 14 years…that's beautiful, man.

baloouriza December 7, 2011 at 5:09 pm

His tailhole's not gonna have grip left when he gets out.

thefrontpage December 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hopefull, Blagojevich will be put in the same jail cell as Jack Johnson.

baloouriza December 7, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I like his music, though…

thefrontpage December 7, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Jack Johnson is the former Prince George's County, Md., County Executive who was sentenced to seven years in prison the day before Blagojovech was sentenced–Jack Johnson was convicted and sentenced for operating a continuing criminal enterprise, taking bribes and basically just being corrupt for eight years as a County Executive. THAT is the Jack Johnson that we're talking about—NOT a musician.

ttommyunger December 7, 2011 at 8:47 pm

His bung will definitely need a new grommet when he gets out: he's small and kind of cute. On the bright side, I have no doubt he will find his lovely wife just as he left her: freshly fucked.

LibrulEleet December 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I don't even get the Hamilton reference. He might be talking about the duel with Burr, but that was in the 19th century.

fuflans December 8, 2011 at 12:18 am

see i would move to LA full time except my current IL district was represented by blago, rostenkowski, rahm and oh, fucking steven douglas.

it's hard to overstate how proud this makes me.

Negropolis December 8, 2011 at 2:46 am

I feel sorry for the guy, but only because he's so earnestly stupid. I really got to like his wife on the horrible show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I'm sure she's just as rotten as he is judging from the courtroom tapes, but she's so damned down to earth.

eaglewon December 8, 2011 at 7:49 am

He should figure out a way to get out of the country to somewhere that won't extradite.

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