there are no hairbrushes in prison

Weepy Rod Blagojevich To Rot In Prison For 14 Years

If only parachutes worked in the other direction...The end of the comedy career of noted political humorist Rod Blagojevich has finally come as he was sentenced to 168 months in jail today, because America has lost its taste for jokes, rampant male sexiness and Elvis impersonators in one fell swoop. Blaggy has had many valuable fucking contributions to humor, such as the time he dragged a dead Illinois child onto stage at a press conference, or the time he outed himself as a secret Negro because he shined shoes as a child, just to name a couple! Annnnd we could fill this space with several thousand more examples that can also be easily found with a quick search of the Wonkette archives, but let us hear what Rod had to say for himself before sentencing…

He apologized! Poor Blago had to go “full nuclear” and for the first time in his life admit to the smallest hint of self-awareness. Will miracles never cease?

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

“I want to take this opportunity to apologize to you for fighting this case in the media,” Blagojevich told Judge Zagel.

“I also want to apologize for challenging the prosecutors. I was very keen on your comments yesterday on how I saw it as a ‘boxing match. ‘I saw it actually that way. I studied Alexander Hamilton, back in the 18th Century… It was inappropriate. It was childish and not productive.”

Blagojevich apologized for all his comments he said were “immature…petty…ugly…self-centered…self-absorbed.”

“If this case was about being self-absorbed, I would have walked in and plead guilty immediately,” Blagojevich said.

Blago has been sorry for all this since he began studying politics in the eighteenth century, is how sorry he is. Find any convicted felon today who is more sorry than that! To which the judge said of his apology, “you must be fucking kidding me.” And then Blaggy wept. All that self-awareness for nothing! [Chicago Sun-Times/Twitter]

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  1. sbj1964

    What a crooked Illinois politician? Yeah right? Mickey Blago once offered to sell his seat on the subway to an old women.What a gentlemen.

    1. Crowe2011

      Rod Blagojevich prison watch, day 1. Rod points to his, as yet unviolated posterior and announces "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, I'm not just going to give it away for nothing."

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Dude, he's sporting the +3 Jason's Fleece. That shit is bulletproof, and will cause all dicks to point to six.

  2. Joshua Norton

    A corrupt pol admitting to doing something wrong? Must be a Dem. Repukes will just default to playing the victim, whine how it's not their fault and the liberal media is out to get them.

    And besides it's not their fault.

    Not their fault. Also. Too.

    Fault, not theirs.

    You know the drill.

  3. SmutBoffin

    I can wait to read excerpts from his self-obsessed (and in progress already, probably) prison memoir.

    It will be like "Letters from a Birmingham Jail", but written by a dumbass.

  4. flamingpdog

    Blagojevich apologized for all his comments he said were “immature…petty…ugly…self-centered…self-absorbed.”

    Blago/any wingnut Rethuglican/2028!

  5. SexySmurf

    Just remember Blago, soap-on-a-rope is a fucking valuable thing. You don't just give it away for a few cigarettes.

  6. paris biltong

    He is contrite about the fact that he tried to defend himself against what turned out to be true charges. He's being punished for that? Is pleading guilty a new obligation? He more than deserves it but I have a feeling he's paying for others who have been getting off.

    1. Barrelhse

      He's not contrite. He's doing what his attorney suggested he do as a last-ditch effort to gain leniency.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      He is trying to fake contrition because the judge, after listening to his bullshit for 2 plus years, made it clear he wasn't buying his story up until then of a good guy misled by others, and his lawyers were throwing a hail mary for a shorter sentence.

      Taking responsibility and showing true remorse are mitigating factors in sentencing under Federal Judicial Sentencing guidelines. But how you conduct yourself during your trial can count either way, too. Blago didn't just defend himself, he attacked the judge, the prosecutors and made a bunch of claims in the press he couldn't substantiate. That all goes to aggravating factors.

      Oh, and in this one instance, no one has been getting off. Other than Blago's brother, who seemed like a chump by comparison, everyone charged either flipped on him, was convicted after trial then cooperated, or (in one memorable case) killed himself rather than go to prison. There's been at least 5 guilty pleas or verdicts before Blago, which is what made his obstinate claims of ignorance and innocence so ridiculous.

  7. Generation[redacted]

    Watch your cornhole, dude. It's a fucking valuable thing. You don't want to just give it away.

    1. Tommmcattt

      Wow, talk about hard time. You know you've hit rock bottom if you're bargaining for that tired piece of ringmeat…

    2. paris biltong

      Speaking from personal experience, the worst that happened to me there was having mostly ping-pong as a distraction. Mind you, it was not in Illinois and not for fourteen years.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Blag's haircut made a daring escape today, running off w/ Rick Perry's head. Neither will be missed.

  8. DaRooster

    "I studied Alexander Hamilton, back in the 18th Century…"

    You were not alive in the 18th Century… sheesh, Moran.

    (note to self… read further)

  9. DemonicRage

    OMG! Wonkette bloggers descend to an orgy of what they like best: kicking someone when they're down. Or is it cornhole jokes? I can't remember which is the more favored sport here?

    1. lowaltflier

      It ebbs and flows. From Butt sex to truck nuts and then tea bagging.
      Who knows what will be next.
      It is why I keep coming back.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      Unfortunately, we're merely pikers compared to the Rush Limbaughs and Bill O'Reillys of the world.

    3. bagofmice

      Corn hole down! I repeat, we have a corn hole down! I expect a team of wonketeers on top of the situation in minutes.

  10. Callyson

    "The harm here is not measured in the value of money and property," Judge Zagel tells Blagojevich.
    "The harm is the erosion of the public trust in government; [people's] confidence in and trust in government," Zagel said.
    Good logic, Judge…can you go after the Republicans in Congress now?

  11. JustPixelz

    Blagojevich put the "ill" in "Illinois"

    "Rod" will not be his prison nickname. Perhaps he'll answer to "Blow me bitch"

    I'd love to see his rendition of "Jailhouse Rock" — "Number 47 said to number 3, you're the cutest jailbird I ever did see".

  12. Redhead

    "“I want to take this opportunity to tell you how scared I am to actually go to prison and share a cell with Big Daddy, who will make me call him daddy every night as I cry real tears, oh god I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, and they won't even have hair gel in there! and God I'm so so sorry that I was argumentative enough that you're sending me somewhere where I won't have hair gel!" Blagojevich told Judge Zagel."

    1. starfanglednut

      Newt Gingrich indicated Wednesday that he would unilaterally "replace" Syrian President Bashar al-Assad because he is running a "bad dictatorship."

      As opposed to Newt, who would run a good dictatorship?

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Whatever moneys the Assad clan has gathered, Newt intends to show them how it's REALLY done.

    2. paris biltong

      Funny, I'd have though that, since Assad is an ophthalmologist, Rand Paul would be the GOP's first choice to replace him.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      Gingrich did not say how he would remove Assad, and acknowledged there would be "consequences" to such an overt U.S. action. He said that as president, it would be his job to manage them. "Now that means you have consequences and have to be much better at managing the consequences than this administration has been," he said on the Don Wade & Roma radio show. "But I think none the less getting rid of Assad will lead to a better future than keeping him there."

      Newt will do everything faster, better and cheaper than President Obama would have. Not that he knows how any of that will happen, but rest assured, it'll be great.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Genius Newt is not smart enough to know that a President should wear gloves to maintain Plausible Deniability. Jesus, even a "Texas Businessman reportedly named George Bush" knows better!

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, that's harsh — Jack Abramoff got what, two years and then six months delivering pizza for screwing over tens of thousands of American Indians and Marianas Islanders and is now some allegedly anti-corruption crusader. Not that the sentence Blago received was unfair — rather that Abramoff should be breaking rocks in Leavenworth until his black trenchcoat rots off his skeletal form.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, when the biggest guy to roll on you gets 10 to 12 (Rezko) it sorta ups that ante. I know that a lot of people felt burned by Abramoff's sentence, and I can't claim I understand it, but Blago made the number one mistake of pissing off the judge early in this case. It got him a hung jury the first time around, but anyone with a basic knowledge of federal courts could have told him it would bite him in the ass if he ever got convicted on multiple counts.

    2. fuflans

      wait!! what!?!? jack is rehabilitated and making the npr PR tour.

      blago has to wait 12-ish years for his 15 minutes.

  14. kingcocrazy

    This being Illinois, Rod still has plenty of time to bribe the appropriate appeals court judges and get his conviction overturned. On the good side, at least he now has a conviction.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Federal court – the 7th Circuit couldn't give a shit about Illinois political favors, and they have jobs for life. They wouldn't let Ryan out on compassionate leave to see his dying wife. Plus, if he draws Posner or Easterbrook on his panel, not only will they skewer his arguments, they'll do it with heavy sarcasm and more than a touch of glee (that's just how they roll).

  15. flamingpdog

    After court was over, Patti Blagojevich buried her head in her husband's chest.

    Rod, the Herminator is disappointed in you. Push down harder next time.

    1. flamingpdog

      Does that include foster kids? If Michele ever gets arrested for anything, she can count on doing NO time then?

  16. Ruhe

    Blago went full-nuclear with the self awareness and that didn't work. Maybe he should have gone all full-Winston-Smith on the Judge.

    "My hope is that I will be executed while my mind is still clean."


  17. Baconzgood

    Immature, petty, ugly, self-centered, self-absorbed? It's been a while since we heard about Sarah Palin.

  18. SorosBot

    Now, Blago, can you apologize for basically handing the Republicans a Senate seat in a state that's usually reliably Democratic?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Only reliably Dem at a state-wide level since 2002 (ironically, when Blago got elected). And I actually blame the Speaker of the Assembly for losing the Senate seat. If Mike Madigan wasn't such an ass, his popular daughter and AG Lisa could have run and beaten Kirk even in 2010's climate. But because she won't run for anything higher while he's still pissing people off, Giannoulias (who Obama's people tried to warn off running because he was so green and had heavy baggage from his family's bank issues) was the only serious Dem in the race. He still almost won even as Melissa Bean lost to psycho Joe Walsh.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        It seems like every politician under 45 in IL is running away from the rep of their Old Man. Blago's father-in-law, whose daughter is also an elected official, almost got his ass literally kicked by some black aldermen over his dickish handling of Chicago redistricting. And little Jesse Jackson? Well, the unctuous doesn't fall far from the tree.

  19. grex1949

    Fourteen years in the federal slammer for really not much more than buffoonery, while the real thieves swoosh downhill in Vail or Switzerland with Benjamins flying out of their pockets. Not that Blago is pity-worthy, mind you, but we do need to turn our attention to the people that caused the housing crisis at some point, don't we? When are those people going to pay the piper?

    1. Geminisunmars

      Apparently the SEC and Justice Department just can't find anything on those guys, according to this weekend's "60 Minuets" (sic – can you sic yourself if you write something intentionally??) despite the fact that they haven't even interviewed the whistle blowers. WTF??

      1. grex1949

        I saw that segment, too. My conclusion was that Mr. Lanny Breuer should be pounding the pavement looking for another job. As a prosecutor, he should know that the perpetrators rarely present themselves, evidence in hand, demanding to be arrested for their crimes. What more proof does he need to go after Countrywide? Jeebus.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Watching him with his flop sweat reminded me of that bit that Martin Short did (for SNL?) where he is being interviewed by 60 Min. He is nervously smoking a cigarette and the sweat is pouring off of him.

    2. Negligently_Joe

      Probably shortly after we prosecute the people who rolled out a program of torture on American soil for crimes against humanity? I don't recommend holding your breath, is what I'm saying.

      1. Geminisunmars

        I grew up loving O. Henry, and this made me look him up. He was more interesting than I ever imagined.

  20. Ruhe

    Worth noting that fellow Illinoisian Dan Rostenkowski, who may not have been a complete douche before prison, nonetheless emerged from prison a changed man and went on a bit of a mini crusade against the foolishness of drug-crime sentences.

  21. Extemporanus

    TRUE FACT: Rod Blagojevich delivered, word for word, that very same futile, mewling apology last year to host Donald Trump on Celebrity Apprentice minutes before being fired — at the urging of everyone on his team save ultimate winner and former Poison frontman Bret Michaels — over his utterly inept losing performance as project manager on the "Universal Studios Harry Potter Experience" challenge.

    1. bagofmice

      That is a disturbingly large and relevant amount of reality tv based data. What algorithm do you use?

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, any truth to the rumor that his hair only got two years in exchange for testifying for the prosecution?

  23. Bonghits4Jesus

    You are so wrong. America has not lost its taste for jokey Elvis impersonators. New Gingrich is on the rise like the Hindenburg.

  24. Woodshedding

    Wonkette, I love you with all my heart but I think maybe you're being duped on this one. The guy for sure looks like an idiot scumbag and apparently has the social graces of a rhinoceros. But come on. He urged everyone to not do business with Bank of America.

    You wouldn't need to know ANYTHING about him to know that, and that alone, is the reason he was politically assassinated. Who was it who did the study that revealed only two congressmen are NOT on the take.

    Look at the things he did and the things he stood behind. He promoted a ban on assault rifles, and vetoed a bill that would have deleted records of gun purchases and removed the waiting period in certain instances. He vetoed bills that would allow trucks to speed. He introduced and signed into law a bill that would require universal healthcare for all children regardless of income or immigrations status.

    Clearly, this guy made POWERFUL ENEMIES. It definitely sounds like he had no more taste than … gosh, I don't know what, some kind of complete moron – but look at his priorities. It's too bad he was idiotic enough to overstep financial propriety boundaries but in this one case you know what? The "everybody does it" excuse almost kind of makes sesne. Not that it's a valid excuse, but that if we want that kind of activity to stop, we've got a helluva lot more work to do than putting just this one moron in jail.

    1. StarsUponThars

      Sounds like the "Yes Mussolini was a brutal Fascist but he made the trains run on time" defense. Blago's good deeds were overshadowed by his attempt to use public office for personal gain. If he was politically assassinated, then it was he who put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger. In my irrelevant opinion, "putting just this one moron in jail" is a great way to start the day.

    2. mrblifil

      He fantasized aloud about selling his Senate nomination, and then acted like the world's biggest douchebag in response to the outcry. He may make a mean omelette or have a very sophisticated DVD collection, but he's going away for being an asshole (and also for protecting the equally corrupt functionaries around him).

      1. GOPCrusher

        If being an asshole was a reason to send someone to prison, well, things would be pretty nice here on the outside.

        1. Woodshedding

          Yes, thanks, that's pretty much what I meant to say. I do agree with Stars that putting this moron in jail is a good way to start the day. My concern is more that something about this whole situation stinks, and the clues are in who his enemies were as well as the clearly non-greedy intentions in the legislation he promoted. [I don't agree with Stars that being involved in bribery makes you comparable to Mussolini, but I'm going to assume we just read different history books and drop that particular topic of conversation.]

          Fantasizing publicly about something… is a criminal offense? Man, I'm screwed.

          I like the comment "Did he go to jail for being crooked, or beiing a crooked Democrat?"

          Again, as far as I'm aware there's not substantial reason for defending him or anything. I just feel uncomfortable about jumping on the trash truck that trillionaire B of A not to mention the NRA, Chamber of Commerce, etc, sent out to pick him up. They might well have played up his buffoonery sufficiently to convince some that he was… well, the equivalent of Mussolini. Oops, and right after I promised to drop that subject. My bad.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Give me a fucking break, what hood doesn't pass out a couple of turkeys at Christmas to perfume the stink of his venality? If Blago wanted to do so much fucking good as a politician, why did he spend so much effort pissing off everyone in state government and politics who could help him actually accomplish anything?

      1. banana_bread

        Super true. That is why I refuse to give George Ryan any credit for suspending the death penalty – he knew he was looking at prison and did whatever was most convenient to cover up the blood stains already on his hands.

  25. chicken_thief

    Judge Zagel was clearly an Aaron Burr fan and punished Blogo mightily for quoting that non-shooting fuck Hamilton.

  26. RavenRant

    I am so disappointed that the judge didn't really say, "You must be fucking kidding me.”

    That would have been AWESOME!

  27. chascates

    And from the 'Taking-things-out-of-context Department' (WND) Obama on 'trickle-down':
    ALM BEACH, Fla. – Radio giant Rush Limbaugh says Barack Obama has "outed" himself as a "dumb," anti-American socialist and perhaps Marxist after the president's speech suggested the American way of life has "never worked."

    "After the three years, the cat's out of the bag," Limbaugh said this afternoon."After three years, everybody now knows why I wanted you to fail. Everybody that heard that speech now knows that you said America as founded has never worked. You have outed yourself, Barack, if I may call you that. You've come out. Maybe you'll be on the cover of the next Advocate (a homosexual magazine) because you just outed yourself, sir. You have nothing but contempt for this country."

    The article goes on to quote Obama stating that the 'trickle-down' effect from the rich just doesn't work; no mention that 'America as founded has never worked'. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN HIS STATEMENT WHAT OBAMA MEANT YOU GITS!!!

  28. Antispandex

    Did he go to jail for being crooked, or beiing a crooked Democrat? Because, you know, that is ALMOST as bad as that hair-don't he wore so sharply.

  29. DerrickWildcat

    If it is too rainy or cold to go outside on the weekend, I watch all the prison shows on MSNBC so I'm kind of an expert on this. If this guy just minds his own business, lifts weights, swears allegiance to the right gang and gets all the appropriate tattoos, he will not have to stay there all 14 years. That is if he doesn't get caught stabbing a rival gang member or get caught smuggling drugs up his butt. He might be able to run for Governor of Chicago again in 8 years.

  30. thefrontpage

    Jack Johnson is the former Prince George's County, Md., County Executive who was sentenced to seven years in prison the day before Blagojovech was sentenced–Jack Johnson was convicted and sentenced for operating a continuing criminal enterprise, taking bribes and basically just being corrupt for eight years as a County Executive. THAT is the Jack Johnson that we're talking about—NOT a musician.

  31. ttommyunger

    His bung will definitely need a new grommet when he gets out: he's small and kind of cute. On the bright side, I have no doubt he will find his lovely wife just as he left her: freshly fucked.

  32. LibrulEleet

    I don't even get the Hamilton reference. He might be talking about the duel with Burr, but that was in the 19th century.

  33. fuflans

    see i would move to LA full time except my current IL district was represented by blago, rostenkowski, rahm and oh, fucking steven douglas.

    it's hard to overstate how proud this makes me.

  34. Negropolis

    I feel sorry for the guy, but only because he's so earnestly stupid. I really got to like his wife on the horrible show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I'm sure she's just as rotten as he is judging from the courtroom tapes, but she's so damned down to earth.

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