it's ok children are supposed to be janitors

Newt Gingrich Got Money Stealing Books From Children

Now Newt's a Boehner!

Oh how we miss the days when we could write about pasty rat sack Newt Gingrich sobbing over how no one remembered his existence. Because this is what Newt Gingrich should be, a forgotten nightmare that not even a bad acid trip can rouse from the depths of half-memory. That was our first thought when we saw the latest Gallup poll results showing Newt expanding his national lead in the Republican primary with 37% support to Mitt Romney’s 22%. Strangely, Newt’s climb in the polls actually seems to be due to the fact that voters did forget that Newt Gingrich is and has always been Newt Gingrich, a whiny serial con artist that Mother Jones reminds us today had a “cash for reading” charity for kids in the nineties that was just a front for Newt to funnel thousands of dollars to his corrupt circle of hangers-on.

Newt’s “grand plan” (they’re always grand and hollow in equal measure) for his Earning By Learning program to promote youth literacy was to pay kids a couple bucks every time they read a book. And YET:

The point of the story is that private initiatives often succeed where government programs fail. [Earning By Learning] was a lean, mean, private machine. “The overhead is entirely voluntary,” Gingrich said of the program in 1995. “The only money goes to the kids. So if you have $1,000 at $2 a book, you can pay for 500 books. Whereas, in the welfare state model, if you have $1,000, you pay $850 for the bureaucracy.”

But that description turned out to be false. A 1995 Mother Jones investigation revealed that the program’s all-volunteer army came at a hefty price. The group paid its Atlanta volunteers $500 each; nearly half of the total budget of the Houston branch of the program went to one salaried staff position.

A Wall Street Journal report earlier that year was even more damning, revealing that most of the money in the program’s endowment in Georgia was being kicked back to Gingrich’s friends, including Mel Steely, a former Gingrich staffer who was at the time working on an authorized biography of the House Speaker. According to the paper, “90% of the $20,000 raised in the past year went to Steely and two other professors who help him evaluate the program. The children earned less than $10,000, from money leftover from prior years.”

The WaPo is also reporting that Gingrich’s campaign is still $1.2 million in debt from all his luxury private jet trips and “extravagance,” so, uh, time to start another children’s charity! [Mother Jones]

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  1. bureaucrap

    Newt's recent ascendancy has caused Tiffany's stock to double in value. Callista's goin' shoppin….

  2. Terry

    Newt is entirely ego. His words and actions are related to the inflation and maintenance of that ego, nothing else.

    1. JustPixelz

      Don't talk about celebrities like that. They can use the celebrity powers to destroy you. We must obey the celebrities. Remember: The Big Celebrity is watching YOU!

    1. Pithaughn

      Yes, he nearly is the perfect embodiment of the current R values. Namely, I've got mine F you.
      One of his minions cold called our office one day to let us know the owner had been invited to receive an award from some Newt org, it would have only cost about $5k to attend the award ceremony! What a bargain!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Hard to believe Newtie's still running that scam. It's like the Nigerian Prince of campaign fundraising.

  3. Noitzie

    And let us not forget that the Newt-man continues to feather his own nest — the WashPo today reported that he (1) charged his own campaign $42,000 for his own mailing list, and (2) "repaid" his debt from campaign funds to himself AHEAD OF OTHER CREDITORS. Nice work feathering that nest, Newt!

      1. Wadisay

        The children earned less than $10,000, from money leftover from prior years.

        On top of which, they probably had to clean Newt's latrine and wipe his fat, hairy ass for it.

  4. Generation[redacted]

    Those kids don't have an example of an adult working for scamming cleverly using the free market to creatively acquire a large amount of money, so Newt was helpfully providing them with one.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      He's probably writing an alternate history " My Pet Goat" in which Alqaeda strikes during the Clinton impeachment hearings. Clinton is impeached and removed from office along with Gore (for personally orchestrating "climategate" ) Gingrich is made President, personally strangles Osama Bin Ladin and initiates a 1000 year reich era of peace and prosperity.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        "Nixon: Fuck the poor.

        Newt: Fuck the poor and their kids."

        Rush: You guys fuck the poor – I'll, ahem, take care of the kids……

  5. V572 the Merciless

    Don't forget Huntsguy! MSM won't let him quit, because he's the only one anybody with half a brain can bear to listen to. So they keep pumping him up and talking about his chances in NH even though he's below Santorum, Paul, Miche1e, etc. Huntsy even drank the global warming Kool-aid the other day, which must be causing some cognitive dissonance among the rational right, if such a thing still exists.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Check out Hannity's interview of Mr. Huntsman over at Newshounds. Quietly, calmly, with reason and logic, Mr. Huntsman showed InSannity to be a complete idiot.


    2. Guppy

      I don't think it's a "vast lefty conspiracy" so much as "media prefers having the raving idiots be on the payroll rather than the guest list."

    3. anniegetyerfun

      God, I wish that guy would run. I don't particularly love the idea of watching Hopey falter, but if he was going to, I'd rather it be to someone like Huntsman, who I feel wouldn't immediately destroy the country by eating it.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Enghnngh…He’s on board with Paul Ryan’s plan to turn Medicare into a gift-card system, wants to eliminate the capital gains tax, roll back Obamacare, repeal Dodd-Frank, etc. He’s a product of, and loyal servant to, inherited wealth. Don’t let the good looks (really!) fool ya.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Oh, he would destroy the country, but more systematically. It's just that I feel like the kind of destruction he has in mind would still give me time to emigrate to India.

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          Yes, we must remember this. Not to mention his very lovely daughters, while they've shown they have a good sense of humor, are probably too straight-laced to be as publicly amusing as those constantly drunk high spirited Bush girls were.

        3. starfanglednut

          He also wants to 'dramatically rein in" the EPA, decrying their "restrictive" regulation of the coal and nuclear industries. So yeah, fuck him.

          He is kinda handsome in a strange, geeky way though.

    4. GOPCrusher

      The simple fact that Jon Huntsman was ruled out as a possible nominee before he even entered the race, because he was Obama's Ambassador to China, proves that there is no "rational right".

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I don't think you can rule it out categorically. Hannibal Lecter was perfectly rational. (And, fortunately, equally rare as a species.)

        Then again, he was fictional…

    5. Negropolis

      I lost what little respect I had for his shameless as when he smuggly laughed at other candidates for saying that they don't believe in global warming and adhere to science, and then literally the other day at a Heritage function played the "we don't know enough about it to base policy on it" card. This kind of cowardice is unforgivable, in my book.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Cowardice? Naked ambition? Flop-flipping? Unprincipled pandering? Capering and jingling your bells for the teabagger vote?

        Whatever you call it, it's ugly.

      1. poncho_pilot

        save some kids for the private sector. i need workers with little hands to work in my sex toy factory.

  6. SorosBot

    Psst, media; please don't investigate Newt's corruption right now; wait until after he's the nominee to bring this shit up.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Great point! We liberals should have learned from doing for Herman Cain.

      Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. Along the same lines, don't get out the long knife too early.

        1. GOPCrusher

          Yeah, and Newt fired back that if Pelosi revealed what was found in their investigation, she should immediately be removed from Congress and jailed.
          I think Nancy really struck a nerve with that statement, and if Newt and his minions think that none of this will come out, he's sadly mistaken.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Jail seems far-fetched, but I'd wager even money that Pelosi would not mind leaving Congress if that was the price of airing out all of Newt's dirty laundry.

    2. paris biltong

      OK, but the underlying assumption is that there is someone better waiting in the wings, which is far from having been demonstrated. The longer it lasts, the closer they're getting to scraping the bottom of the barrel (which may well be bottomless). Just think "Bachmann".

      1. SorosBot

        Except if the crazies all implode, Mittens could win the nomination be default, and he actually has a shot at winning in the general election, unlike the rest.

        1. paris biltong

          Perhaps, but this requires use to accept the premise that a highly unpopular Mormon fake has a better chance of beating Obama than a fairly popular immoral idiot.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            He's unpopular among the wingtards, and in the general election, that's not a bug … it's a feature.

  7. memzilla

    Fortunately, Tiffany's makes a sterling silver bookstand which clips onto both a mophandle and a sink, so the chilluns can read a book while they toil in Newt's Kinderarbeitenkorps Child Labor Brigades. Newt can charge it to his account and get a tax deduction, too, so it's a gewinnen-gewinnen!

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm pretty sure if you looked up 'odious charlatan' in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Newt next to it.

    1. Unfairman

      If you google image that phrase, Obama comes 4th. I guess liberals aren't the only ones disenchanted.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I would never have guessed that there are conservatives in this country who have been unhappy with Obama!

        1. Unfairman

          Sure, but they wouldn't necessarily be disenchanted, as they were never enchanted in the first place.

      2. natoslug

        You must be using conservagoogle rather than standard google. In standard google, the fourth result is a quote from the book "Antichrist: Including The Period From The Arrival Of Paul In Rome To The End Of The Jewish Revolution." No word on whether that was Jewish Revolution Number 9.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Maybe you're using Bing without realizing it. Obama doesn't appear at all on my Google search, although Newtie is on the first page, in an article by George Will.

  9. GregComlish

    Come on magic undies! Daddy's gonna lose some serious Intrade dough if your pampered Mormon ass can't get a handle on this shit. Have your oppo guys go for the fucking jugular like they iced Rick "Niggerhead" Perry and Herman "Clarence Thomas" Cain.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You'd think they'd be all over it. Maybe Newt has something damning on Romney – like a picture of him drinking coffee, or having a hair out of place? Or something really scary, like tape of him signing a tax increase?

  10. OneDollarJuana

    You know, most people change their look as they age. That cartoon of Newtie looks exactly the same as he does now. Does he have a strange painting of a very, very old man in his attic?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Newt's strategy is borrowed from Andy Warhol — start with the silver toupee early and it gives you that timeless look a couple decades down the road.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    Newt is indeed a well-qualified GOP candidate. That's the sort of thing that W and his inner cirle of thieves got away with for 8 years and are sticking us with the bill for now.

  12. slithytoves

    Maybe it's the rotting stink of these Republican candidates that's giving Obama the courage to open the windows for a breath of fresh air.

  13. Not_So_Much

    Baffles me what a long and distinguished record of absolute shit the pillsbury Doh!-boy has and his party is clapping like wind-up monkeys with cymbals. Does he have to punch an orphan on live tv to make them recognize who he is?

    1. FlownOver

      Punching an orphan on live tv would guarantee he wins the nomination. Whoever holds the orphan still for the punch (you don't think Newt could actually catch one himself, do you?) gets Veep.

    2. Sparky_McGruff

      The orphan deserved it! It's the only way for those shifty orphans to learn conservative values! It was misrepresented by the liberal leftist Kenyan media!

      1. poncho_pilot

        "clearly the orphan walked into his fist." –Hannity

        "it was a facial massage, essentially." –Megyn Kelly

        ""Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Newt R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" –U.S. Chamber Of Commerce

  14. Indiepalin

    Rove and his band of assassins must be going nuts trying to figure out who to decapitate next, since the current crop of GOP jesters resembles nothing less than the legendary head of Medusa.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Especially because, each Rove-orchestrated defenestration has a cost. As they continue, it begins to slowly dawn on people: "Hmmm… that's now x Republican front runners who have turned out to be amoral incompetents. Could it be that everyone in that party leadership is like that?"

      1. paris biltong

        I doubt very much that they are sufficiently informatized to come to such a conclusion. They probably think instead that the GOP has a huge pool of electable persons and that the elimination process is just what capitalism is all about – or TV reality shows, whatever.

        1. Chichikovovich

          True. Perhaps I am overestimating the tea party crowd's gullibility. No doubt they regard each new leader as completely unlike the previous x isolated exceptions who turned out to be rotten. Rather than what it is, which is always the same old circus with a new clown.

    2. poncho_pilot

      i think it's more like the Hydra. Rove, of course, might be able to use these fuck faces in the future and is refusing to cauterize the stumps. two more heads grow back every time you cut one off. four years from now there will be twice as many candidates. a real horror show.

  15. OkieDokieDog

    The Newt camp will probably bring up the Connie Chung liberal media feminatzi attack on Newt's poor Mommy, and say, "See! Hilary is still a bitch!"

    Diversion tactics work really well, ya know.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Between the whole "make the little smelly ruffians scrub their own goddamn school toilets" and the "get with Donald Trump and exploit poor urban kids within an inch of their lives" to this shit, I'm getting the feeling that Newt kinda hates kids. Could this be a residual from what appears to be an ongoing premature ejaculation problem, hmmm?

  17. sbj1964

    I just don't understand the GOP when it comes to Newt Gingrich they are suppose to be the Family values Party? The Party of the Moral Majority? WTF!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You have to look in the fine print, where it says "The Party of Winning, no Matter What". They seriously think Newt's a winner for some bizarre reason.

      1. Geminisunmars

        That's because he has a huge vocabulary of 8 multisyllabic words which he uses over and over and interchangeably, so he must be a towering intellect and winner.

    2. Chichikovovich

      They're already working on that. The Iowa "Family Values" organizations are making skeptical noises about his past, but murmuring that they are impressed by his professions of repentance, and they will wait to see if they are genuine. If he keeps leading the race you can expect to hear them announcing their respect for his unexpected new wisdom, born of sincere repentance and prayer.

      Basically there's nothing (perhaps short of murder, as Karla Faye Tucker discovered to her disadvantage) that the Born – Again crowd won't forgive as long as you make pious noises and assure them that God has already forgiven you.

    3. walterhwhite

      Family Values. Moral Majority. Slogans, my dear, merely slogans. The GOP has never done anything for families or morality.

    4. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Newt is so devoutly pro-marriage, he's done it three times. You can't get much better cred than that!

  18. donner_froh

    "The group paid its Atlanta volunteers $500 each"

    Newt probably has some interminable, logic chopping reason that a paid volunteer isn't an employee.

    He has always been a sleazeball.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, you can technically be a volunteer for a lot of things and get a stipend – Americorps, for one (the army for another). But yeah, claiming there's no overhead because it's all volunteers when you are actually paying them – that's pretty much nonsense.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    Every time I consider that this loathsome, hoary-headed griftmonger commands a viable presence in the minds of this nation's standards-challenged sector, I realize suspending my disbelief isn't enough. This disbelief-accompanied brain-pain needs to be drowned in something, like horse tranquilizers.

  20. Chichikovovich

    You're missing the point. If government did it, $850 would have gone to bureaucracy. Bureaucrats just bury their money in the backyard like the least-talented slave in Tony Perkins' favorite parable. And the rest would have gone to poor kids who would grow up to be moochers. How would society benefit if they were well-read moochers?

    If Newt does it, then almost none of the money goes to the future only-minimally-well-read moochers, and the bulk goes to job creators. Like former Gingrich staffer Steely, who probably had new plumbing put in or something. And Gingrich himself, who hired an extra personal shopper for Callista.

  21. Lucidamente1

    "Gingrich’s campaign is still $1.2 million in debt": perhaps Bain Capital could help with that.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        You could replace the entire Republican party with a call center in India, where the wingnuts could calll toll-free and vent to their tiny hearts' content.

        This is a very good idea.

    1. flamingpdog

      It better help out. According to Newt yesterday, he was instrumental in getting Ronnie Raygun to push through legislation in the 80s that made it possible for Mittens to become a multi-millionaire.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    The children earned less than $10,000, from money leftover from prior years.

    The really surprising thing is that the kids saw any of that money.

    1. walterhwhite

      They probably saw it only fleetingly, just before it was ripped back out of their little hands.

  23. donner_froh

    If Tim Pawlenty hadn't copped out early he could have enjoyed the cheap thrill of being the teabaggers flavor of the month minute like the rest of this undistinguished crew.

    1. paris biltong

      Each of them, in his or her own ways, has a knack for making the others look good. Even someone like Dan Quayle would seem a reasonable alternative at this point.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Agreed. I bet he's kicking himself in the ass for assuming that Michele Bachmann had the nomination in the bag after the Iowa Straw Poll.

  24. flamingpdog

    most of the money in the program’s endowment in Georgia was being kicked back to Gingrich’s friends, including Mel Steely, a former Gingrich staffer who was at the time working on an authorized biography of the House Speaker.

    Somebody needs to shove a Mel Steely Dan up Newt's bunghole.

  25. weejee

    Newt getting the nod as the 'Thuglican nominee would seal the deal for Hopey's reelection. But that's not gonna happen as long as there is a Paultarded blimp in the air.

  26. owhatever

    Newt sees methods to improve the federally funded public school model of, "Here's a book. Read it. Write a book report. Graduate. Go to college. Get a PhD. Divorce you first wife while she has cancer. Become a politician. Divorce your second after boffing your blonde bimbo aide for six years while going hysterical about another politician getting a blow job. Marry the bimbo. Run up a Tiffany's bill. Grift the system like it's never been grifted before. Change your religion. Admit I have sinned, and am now cool with God. Froth at the mouth. Get the Republican presidential nomination. Sound familiar, Newtie?

    Eric Cantor would never go for paying poor kids two bucks a book without an offset tax break for the rich.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I have not seen the commercial begging Palin to get into the race before the Iowa Caucuses.
      I wonder if she's counting on a brokered convention in which she'll ride in on a unicorn, bathed in light, to the strains of Wagner's Ride Of The Valkyries to deliver the Republiklan Party to salvation by excepting the nomination?

  27. Steverino247

    Would somebody please tell me the safe word so the GOP candidates will stop beating my sense of reality? I've been screaming "Green balloons!" since this goat rodeo began.

  28. GunToting[Redacted]

    "According to the paper, “90% of the $20,000 raised in the past year went to Steely and two other professors who help him evaluate the program."

    Donald Fagan and Walter Becker thank Newt for his support.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    After leaving his handjob session with Donald Chump, Ole Newt announced Chump took him up on his big idea to hire ten – 10! – inner city youths in an apprenticeship/mentoring program.

    Ten bucks says six months from now this big idea is completely forgotten, consigned to the ash heap of Newt's broken promises and failed dreams.

    "Only ten bucks?" you say. Number one, I'm offering my own money. Number two, that's more than either of these two chicane cronies are going to put into the deal.

    Ross Thomas (not for the first time, either!) said it best. Those two have the business ethics of a bankrupt carnival operator.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        I'm a gentleman and you're a scholar! I would hate to have to choose the best of his books, but that one is right up there. It was out of print for a long time and took me years to find a copy to read.

        First-rate and highly recommended for anyone interested in elections (as opposed to politics).

        However, I never read a bad Ross Thomas novel! That man must have led quite an interesting life.

  30. Goonemeritus

    I’m usually not a fan of going negative but if Newt is the GOP nominee it would border on malfeasance not to hammer this toad. In fact I worry that a full and accurate accounting of all the reasons that Newt is an infected sore on the taint of humanity might take more than the 12 months left in cycle.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The only concern you have to have is if there is almost too much material to work with. From the personal to the political to the professional, Newt is towing about 14 long haulers worth of baggage, but you'd have to get the calibration just right so you don't go to soft and be ineffective or too hard and seem harsh. After a certain point it loses its effectiveness.

  31. Barb

    I'm outta here. I have a surgeon's appointment and I want to hurry before Miss Mookie gets foreclosed upon or Newt figures out I am in the hospital and dumps me for another voter.

      1. Barb

        Okay, I've seen the surgeon and she spent a good hour with me and explained everything. My blood pressure is far too high right now and they have to do something about that before they can operate, yay! <—-sarcasm. Surgery is in four weeks. The only way they are going to be able to get the tumors out is with an abdominal hysterectomy. I will be in the hospital for 3 days and the recovery time is 6 weeks. The tumors are almost four inches big and there are six of them. The doctor's office will call me when they have a specific surgery date scheduled. The surgery will be at Presbyterian Hospital.

        I purchased a giant gingerbread woman cookie kit on the way home. It's just one giant cookie and I had to use a seat belt to strap it into the car. That will be something for me to do for a month while I wait. I am going to decorate her and give her icing stitches in her belly. Her name is Ginger. I thought up the name on my own.

        I stopped on the way home and looked at pets in the pet store. They didn't have any kittens. I almost bought a ferret. I decided his name would be Garret and then I changed my mind and left him there with the other pile of ferrets. He looked like he could do some serious damage to Ginger and I am not willing to share right now.

        1. comrad_darkness

          Suddenly this is like the most depressing thing ever (today at least). Barb, you have to get better! I mean it!

          Speaking of cry babies, that's what I feel like right now.

          1. Barb

            Please, do not cry. Everything is going to be fine. I've got a great doctor and a really ginormous cookie. The doctor said that as soon as I can pass gas they will know that I am healing, post-op. Yeah, like I ever stop talking long enough to build up that kind of pressure.

            Be my brave little toaster and get happy again.

          2. comrad_darkness

            One of my parental units just took this path, including the gas passing. It ended poorly. I really really really hope you do well.

        2. Negligently_Joe

          I'm sending secular, non-denominational prayers your way, Barb. This is actually my line of work- before changing departments last month, I'd been working with gyn surgeons for the better part of five years. It's seriously a tough thing to go through, and "giant fucking cookie" definitely seems like a great way to cope, especially as opposed to "taking it out on the hapless schedulers". But seriously, good luck and I hope you have a speedy and complete recovery!

          1. Barb

            You were seriously a gyno surgeon? A few of the guys here told me they are near-sighted gyno docs, lol.

          2. Negligently_Joe

            Haha, but, no, I just worked for them an admin assistant/hapless scheduler/aspiring eventual med student for about five years, and just recently moved to radiology, because of boredom and because I really should be taking classes.

            It was actually a surprisingly good fit for me. It helped that I grew up in a household full of women, and don't embarrass easily, especially since I not-infrequently had to ask women when their next cycle was likely to be, for scheduling reasons.

          3. Barb

            Jeff stayed in the room while the doc gave me a pelvic. It was HILARIOUS! (because I am shy) Seriously, Dr Okun is just the best. I call her the "vagina whisperer"

        3. Biff

          The waiting may not be the hardest part, but it does suck. Not a fan of ferrets, though they are cute little filthy cockweasels. Stick with kittens…

          1. Barb

            There was a pile of twelve of them and they were wrapped around one another and looked like a funnel cake with lot of little teeth.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Remember how sickened we felt whenever we had to see or listen to W? Multiply that 50 gazillion times. This will get us out there stumping for Obama like nothing else.

        1. proudgrampa

          I remember feeling so ANGRY all the time when W was in office. I just don't think I can take 4-8 years of lardass in office.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Remember the feeling you felt toward your partner when you were young and having sex for the very first time? It's the polar opposite feeling to that.

  32. Beowoof

    Newt, did you Operation Dumbo Drop? Because, that would be my plan for you, instead of letting you ride in the plane.

  33. Ruhe

    Was the aim of Newt's program to actually create communist hippies? I mean, who else comes out of school expecting to get paid to read? Liberal Arts grad student hippies, that's who.

  34. BarackMyWorld

    At this point you could tell me Newt clubbed baby seals with his speaker's gavel and I wouldn't be surprised.

  35. Beowoof

    I think democrats should stand back, and let this turd become the nominee. Then let the happy hammering begin. This fool, as with Herman Cain is only in this to make more money. Getting him on the ballot could be a big win for democrats if they play their cards right. Having his MS stricken wife on TV all of next October, priceless.

    1. SenileAgitation

      If only, woof! Playing their cards right is something Democrats have studiously avoided, enjoying success seemingly only by the most random of chances. What I mean is, Dems have a talent for blowing it like Newt has a talent for adultery.

  36. Eve8Apples

    Newt is the ideal Republican candidate – exploits the poor, vulnerable and weak for personal profit. Someone, somewhere has to have a story about Newt harvesting kittens and puppies for their fur and brains.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Moby Dick Airlines? This is just another kickback scheme. Who do you think is playing the part of Moby Dock?

  37. donner_froh

    Never fail formula for leading the the Repub polls and getting cool stuff like a Secret Service code name and ass kissing interviews on Faux:

    1) Act like an asshole
    2) Don't be Mitt Romney.

  38. neiltheblaze

    But let us not forget – Newt is a fiscal conservative! Translation: He's a spendthrift challenged by simple math.

  39. Tommmcattt

    I would do anything, anything at all, not to have a mental picture of Newt Gingrich in nothing but a diaper.

    1. widestanceshakedown

      I'm relieved that he is at least wearing a diaper. My eyes quickly vacated the drawing because I thought it was just excess ass fat.

  40. Negligently_Joe

    Here's the thing about Newt: he's so great at grifting that he makes Lou Sarah look like an amateur… well, an amateur at grifting also too, I should say.

    And to be fair, he's had a lot more practice, since he's been doing it for at least 20 years at this point. This isn't even the first time he's threatened to run for president for fun and (mostly) profit, either; he just found a way this time to convert his actual candidacy into Ameros, and not just the threat.

    Honestly, it's a pretty fat chance that anyone's going to do anything about either, by changing the law or enforcing the laws that already exist. Same shit that allows for-profit candidates for office to exist makes it very easy for incumbents to raise funds. Which is actually another problem, too: if the comedy grifters become too big a problem, and the law does change, it will be another one of those dealies that just punishes challengers and protects incumbents, rather than breaking the grift-cycle.

    1. Tommmcattt

      Lou Sarah is an amateur. She's a well-scrubbed rube with a mean streak and the diplomatic skills of Nikita Khrushchev. I'll bet she screws up making coffee on the one day a year she can't get somebody to make it for her lazy ass. She was able to do so well because of the the general level of intelligence on the right, their credulity, and because she articulates their hate with a kind of Minnie Pearl, off-market charm. It has nothing to do with any skill on her part.

  41. sbj1964

    Newt Gingrich is like the Poster Boy For the RNC/GOP Old,Fat,Rich,Corrupt,White,Evil grin,let's face it he's the whole package!

  42. SayItWithWookies

    Not only did Newt have that cash-for-reading scam going, but the WaPo has the Ethics Committee's report on him from back when he had to pay a $300,000 fine. The one-page summary is dry enough, but basically Newt, the only member of GOPAC who had full knowledge of its operations, authorized his lawyer to write several misleading letters about its activities and was forced to admit it to the committee.

    These misleading letters covered up his reckless violation of laws keeping 501(c)(3)s from engaging in political activity, which might sound kinda abstruse, but Newt was well-versed in how they worked and clearly should've known better — so the conclusion is that he mixed his supposedly educational activities with his political activities in a deliberate attempt to allow donors to pay for Republican recruitment while claiming a tax deduction and evading the IRS scrutiny that comes with political organizations. So he's had a long history of being a tax-evading, duplicitous pimp, for starters.

  43. widestanceshakedown

    How will he come up with a campaign slogan + logo that accommodates the words "profound," "transformational, " and "fundamental" graphically?

    1. Ducksworthy

      I think the graphic would be a gaping sphincter. But that's what profound and fundamental bring to mind in regard to Newtie.

      1. widestanceshakedown

        A shining sphincter on the hill! That's it, get graphics on the horn STAT!

        Also, who's got the gapingest sphincter–Newtie or Callista?

  44. El Pinche

    He must feel warm inside that the voters re-excavated him from the GOP primary pile of fail, or that warmth must be the eight pounds of poop in his intestinal track.

  45. Mahousu

    This is what they mean when they talk about Newt's "depth": no matter how venal and low you can imagine him to be, he always manages to go lower than that. Palin, Cain, and their ilk can only dream of matching him.

  46. ttommyunger

    Lay off my fellow Georgia-Boy, Wonketeers! I personally plan to vote for this turd if he makes in on the Primary Ballot here. Everyone I know and look up to want him to be Barry's opponent: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Andy Borowitz, etc. etc.

    1. sbj1964

      We all hope Newt get's the Nomination! After all what chance dose Obama have against Mitt ,and his Magic Mormon underpants ?

  47. Antispandex

    "…so, uh, time to start another children’s charity! "

    I think it's time for an original idea out of the Newt. I know! How about a children's charity, that has absolutely nothing to do with children?! You see, I just love it when the Teapublicans try to explain why stuff like that is not dishonest. It usually just ends up with an "everybody does it" line though.

  48. KeepFnThatChicken

    How is it that Newt's getting all this kid press recently? "Make 'em mop the floors at school" and "Where's my cut of the reading program money?" doesn't sound like Newt at all.

    Republicans only care about kids until they're ex utero anyway.

  49. mrblifil

    Maybe Obama is playing this colder than a Tarantino villain and plans to have Holder and a bunch of thugs take Newt into custody right at the start of the first debate and frog march him away. That would be a pay-per-view event I would subscribe to. For America.

  50. PubOption

    He claimed his charity could do better than the welfare state model, and it did! 90% diversion beats 85%. In fact, if he had used a reasonable estimate for the diversion from the welfare state model, and not a figure he pulled out of his ass, his charity would look better still.

  51. Tundra Grifter

    Over @ Newsbusters, L. Bent Bozo, the Turd, is whining that nobody cares the IRS cleared Ole Newt of any tax law violations. So, the whole brouhaha and the $300,000 fine was unfair.

    Well, I took several seconds to read Wikipedia, which I know is always right, and it points out there were over 80 ethics charges against Gingrich. 80!

    As a matter of fact, the Senate Ethics Commitee deferred any decision about tax law violation(s), preferring to let the IRS handle it.

    In other words, Bozo just hopes every gull and rube on his website will take his word for it and start sticking up for poor Newt.


  52. lochnessmonster

    I'd love a list of all these types of shady deals Newt has had…I'm not a good investigator so it won't be me. Anyone?

  53. rocktonsam

    so with all them brains and moneys, the best he can do is Callista?

    oh yea, that's a burn chubs!

  54. Troglodeity

    This brings to mind the stirring words of Newt's first wife, Jackie Battley: "Despite repeated notices . . . plaintiff has failed and refused to voluntarily provide reasonable support sufficient to include payment of usual and normal living expenses, including drugs, water, sewage, garbage, gas, electric and telephone service for defendant and the minor children. As a result, many of such accounts are two or three months past due with notices of intent to cut off service . . . . "

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