Tony Perkins Discovers True Meaning of Jesus: Capitalism Is Awesome

In honor of #OccupyCongress and the "Take Back the Capitol" movement that officially began today in Washington and the patient citizens who put up with lawmakers who hid from them and tried to have them arrested for seeking -- GASP -- meetings with their representatives, we will now enjoy a hearty chuckle at one of the finer wingnut op-eds in recent memory, a topical essay from one of the Lord's most comically insane self-appointed flaks, Family Research Council overlord Tony Perkins. His brave thesis? "Jesus was a free marketer, not an Occupier." Woah! Did Jesus finally email Tony Perkins back to go on record that all his "sell your possessions and give them to the poor" crap was just some weird inside joke he had going with the disciples?

Let's get to it. What's the first line?

One of the last instructions Jesus gave his disciples was "Occupy till I come."

Uh, he has already forgotten the point of his article? Good job.

Now to spare you a block quote of the next seven grafs, we will sum them up: according to the Tony Perkins version of a story in the Book of Luke, Jesus tipped his disciples a couple hundred bucks each, a quantity known in the Old Tymes as a "mina," and then warned them to use this money to start a hedge fund, since the whole "revolutionary advocate for the poor and downtrodden" thing ended in some pretty serious government brutality against Jesus. Which, less fun than money!

From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives, and each of us shares the same responsibility to invest our lives for the purpose of bringing a return and leaving a legacy. Jesus gave equal responsibility and opportunity to each of his 10 servants.

This would be a valid parable if Jesus had bothered to give everyone the same tip, but come on, what is he, a socialist?

The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked. When the nobleman returns, after being established as king – a stand-in for Jesus – he calls all his servants together to see what they had accomplished in his absence.

The first servant reports a nice profit: 10 minas. While the story lacks specifics on whether he invested the money in a herd of sheep or a hedge fund, we do know that he made his gain by engaging in business transactions of some sort. He used a free market system to bring a tenfold return on investment. No doubt such a return took a lot of diligent, dedicated effort.

There's sort of an interesting gap there, between buying a herd of sheep and investing in a hedge fund that may or may not have been earning cash shorting stocks on the collapsing business of a fellow sheepherder, but this is still okay because the other sheepherder was probably just a filthy hippie sloth.

Parables generally have a twist near the end, a final jolt to drive the point home. This one is no exception. The ruler orders that the capital, or opportunity, given to the lazy servant be taken from him and given to the most productive servant. "To everyone who has, more shall be given," the Bible reads, "but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away."

There you have it! Jesus was actually in favor of income inequality, and not talking about spiritual corruption. Because that would be ironic!

Jesus rejected collectivism and the mentality that has occupied America for the last few decades: that everyone gets a trophy – equal outcomes for inequitable performance. There are winners and yes, there are losers. And wins and losses are determined by the diligence and determination of the individual.

Some would argue that such an approach encourages abuses, the likes of which we have seen on Wall Street. While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise.

In sum, Jesus actually hates poors, and although the abuses of Wall Street are "not inevitable," Americans need to shut up with the complaints and hope the abuses go away... on their own, probably?

IN OTHER NEWS, forget this idiot and his fragmented fairy tales! There are many exciting Occupy things coming up, including a December 12 port strike in the Bay Area, and a big #OccupyCongress protest planned for January 17. Mark yer calendars, for freedom! [ CNN; Thanks to Wonkette operative "JohnnyZhivago"]