In honor of #OccupyCongress and the “Take Back the Capitol” movement that officially began today in Washington and the patient citizens who put up with lawmakers who hid from them and tried to have them arrested for seeking — GASP — meetings with their representatives, we will now enjoy a hearty chuckle at one of the finer wingnut op-eds in recent memory, a topical essay from one of the Lord’s most comically insane self-appointed flaks, Family Research Council overlord Tony Perkins. His brave thesis? “Jesus was a free marketer, not an Occupier.” Woah! Did Jesus finally email Tony Perkins back to go on record that all his “sell your possessions and give them to the poor” crap was just some weird inside joke he had going with the disciples?
Let’s get to it. What’s the first line?
One of the last instructions Jesus gave his disciples was “Occupy till I come.”
Uh, he has already forgotten the point of his article? Good job.
Now to spare you a block quote of the next seven grafs, we will sum them up: according to the Tony Perkins version of a story in the Book of Luke, Jesus tipped his disciples a couple hundred bucks each, a quantity known in the Old Tymes as a “mina,” and then warned them to use this money to start a hedge fund, since the whole “revolutionary advocate for the poor and downtrodden” thing ended in some pretty serious government brutality against Jesus. Which, less fun than money!
From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives, and each of us shares the same responsibility to invest our lives for the purpose of bringing a return and leaving a legacy. Jesus gave equal responsibility and opportunity to each of his 10 servants.
This would be a valid parable if Jesus had bothered to give everyone the same tip, but come on, what is he, a socialist?
The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked. When the nobleman returns, after being established as king – a stand-in for Jesus – he calls all his servants together to see what they had accomplished in his absence.
The first servant reports a nice profit: 10 minas. While the story lacks specifics on whether he invested the money in a herd of sheep or a hedge fund, we do know that he made his gain by engaging in business transactions of some sort. He used a free market system to bring a tenfold return on investment. No doubt such a return took a lot of diligent, dedicated effort.
There’s sort of an interesting gap there, between buying a herd of sheep and investing in a hedge fund that may or may not have been earning cash shorting stocks on the collapsing business of a fellow sheepherder, but this is still okay because the other sheepherder was probably just a filthy hippie sloth.
Parables generally have a twist near the end, a final jolt to drive the point home. This one is no exception. The ruler orders that the capital, or opportunity, given to the lazy servant be taken from him and given to the most productive servant. “To everyone who has, more shall be given,” the Bible reads, “but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away.”
There you have it! Jesus was actually in favor of income inequality, and not talking about spiritual corruption. Because that would be ironic!
Jesus rejected collectivism and the mentality that has occupied America for the last few decades: that everyone gets a trophy – equal outcomes for inequitable performance. There are winners and yes, there are losers. And wins and losses are determined by the diligence and determination of the individual.
Some would argue that such an approach encourages abuses, the likes of which we have seen on Wall Street. While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise.
In sum, Jesus actually hates poors, and although the abuses of Wall Street are “not inevitable,” Americans need to shut up with the complaints and hope the abuses go away… on their own, probably?
IN OTHER NEWS, forget this idiot and his fragmented fairy tales! There are many exciting Occupy things coming up, including a December 12 port strike in the Bay Area, and a big #OccupyCongress protest planned for January 17. Mark yer calendars, for freedom! [CNN; Thanks to Wonkette operative "JohnnyZhivago"]
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Well, as long as he leaves women in showers alone, I don't care what idiocy he believes in.
…and boys in the shower should be left alone also.
King David Libel!
Time for your bath, sheba.
Where's the guy who invested his mina in AAA-rated mortgage-backed securities, lost everything, got foreclosed on and ended up in the gutter?
I guess free-market jesus would have kicked him in the face just before boarding the Divine Dirigible to Galt Gulch.
</recycled comment>
This passage was just pointed out to me recently, and I wondered what the reaction would have been if one of the servants came back and said "Well, lord, I took your whole bundle and leveraged it ten fold based on your personal credit, then stuck it in a dot-com IPO. It looked awesome for a while, but then the market crapped out, so it turns out your on the hook for 10 times what you gave me."
I'm guessing somehow beating hearts ripped out of chests would come into play in Tony's world.
And they would have said it was the guy's own fault for trusting an investment rated by a company called "Standard & Poors."
Jesus Saves. Moses Invests.
Yeah, Moses is way more Jewish…
I thought Moses shot and scored.
Krishna SPENDS!!!!
Jesus saves. Moses invests. The Prodigal Son disappears it all on hookers and blow and is received by his loving family with open arms and treatment identical to the son who stayed home and behaved.
W.I.N.
What a twist!
Gonna be a LOT of whiners come Judgement Day. "But he. . . . while I. . . ."
"Jesus Saves, and Blankfein Scores On the Rebound".
You can't take it with you? So why not have it waiting for you when you get here! Invest in the Heavenly Bank of Him!!
If Jesus had only invested, say, 10 dinari in IBM before the unfortunate incident, he'd be FLUSH when he gets back.
How many minas for a rent-boy?
20 minas, same as in town.
Thank god someone is up on the mina-to-dollar conversion. So helpful.
(a mina today would be worth around $225)
So Captain Profit, the first guy, made ten minas – $2250 today. For that he gets ten cities.
Damn, cities were cheap back in made up times.
Are we sure Perkins was taking from Scripture? I am thinking he confused World of Warcraft with the Bible.
So, Jesus was a gold farmer?
Apparently Jesus was a day trader.
— The Tony Perkins version —
Jeebus loves Gelt! This I know,
For my Broker tells me so.
Free markets to Him belong;
They are short but He is long.
(Chorus: Yes, Jeebus loves Gelt! etc.)
Jeebus loves Gelt! This I know,
When the trendlines 'gainst Him go.
Bloomberg Term'nal on his knee
Saying "Let them come to me."
(Chorus: Yes, Jeebus loves Gelt! etc.)
Jesus loves Gelt! He trades good,
Uses sell-stops like he should.
Jeebus gets out when it's bad
Though it makes Him very sad.
(Chorus: Yes, Jeebus loves Gelt! etc.)
Jeebus loves Gelt still today,
Says "Occupiers, go away!"
He's the One Percent above
Wields the Pepper Spray of Love.
[So it goes.]
excellent! (and yes I DO luvs me some Gelt!) btw, that musta taken a lotta time to write, I hope you get a REALLY big p-ness for your *hard* work
Anthony Perkins has really gone downhill since "Psycho IV".
He's getting creepier.
The Original Psycho is still the scariest — the end of the shower scene, where the liquidity of the entire USA goes spiraling down the drain.
Perkins is anti-Christ.
Damn, there are now 88 pages of comments on that article. Almost all of them are calling out Tony Perkins for being a goddamn fool. I guess CNN wins for the page views.
In 2010, the Family Research Council—under Perkins' leadership—was classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. FRC President Tony Perkins dismissed the hate group designation as the result of a political attack by a "liberal organization" and "the left's smear campaign of conservatives".
While working as campaign manager for Louisiana state legislator Woody Jenkins in 1996, Tony Perkins paid former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke $82,000 for his mailing list, and then tried to hide involvement with Duke, sending payment to Duke through a third party. The campaign was fined $3,000 for trying to hide the payment.
Nice fellow, this Perkins. I wonder what Jesus would think of him?
personally I'm thinkin' this douchebag will burn in his own personal hell for a looong time (and we'll probably light the fire with about 10 minas) sweet holy jeebus this asshole is an asshole
MY Jaysus — i.e., the one with the Holy Assault Rifles — wouldn't think anything of Mr. Perkins.
MY Jaysus would "do" . . . .
LOCK AND LOAD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS!!!! ONWARD!!!!!!!!
Another fine CNN comment is this:
Jerry
This is what CNN has became, with all the Jews running CNN this is what you can expect to see on a daily basis from CNN one or two ridiculous articles like this.
When you pay a Klansman for his mailing list, be sure to do as the hypocrites do, and pay him in secret. And then the LORD who sees you in secret will reward you
-Muscular, Supply-Side Jesus.
According to Perkin's fevered imagination, Jesus would kiss his pant cuffs and then wash his feet in his tears.
Religion is for the glory of the jackass exposing said religion. Nothing more.
Apparently he thinks Jesus tossed the money changers out of the temple because there was a lot more room in the lobby.
If Jesus has a line to what's going to happen in the future though, wouldn't he be a natural target for insider trading investigation?
Not if he was a member of Congress.
I hear they nailed him on suspicion of terrorism.
Occupy Calvary
In Jesus' Father's house there are many mansions. Probably in Hamptons, if you ask Tony Perkins.
If you study the Bible closely you'll see that Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple and into a corner office on the 85th floor of a Wall Street skyscraper.
I'm pretty sure by now that Jesus is rolling his eyes and thinking, 'I died on the cross for these assholes?'
well sure, hindsight is everything (or so I've been told, er, foreseen)
With your permission, this will become one of my favorite quotes!
Right?
I mean, it says "Jesus wept", but I think it was probably more like you said.
"The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked.'
Also not to be overlooked: the Family Research Council are jack-booted fascist wanna-bes.
oh no, I believe they ARE fascist jackboots, no 'wanna-be' about it
And, they are determined to corrupt the message of Christ. Not a humorous comment, I know, but I had to post it because I believe it.
Repost from the previous thread:
The stupid, it burns like hell…Christian hell, in fact.
Jesus' daddy struck dead some folks for hiding some of their wealth from the early Christian commune. Get it, Tony? He killed them for not being sufficiently communistic enough. Chew on that…then choke on it.
Hey, Tony. Why don't you try to Occupy the Bible, you stupid, lying motherfucker?
It sounds like Stalin Jesus can kick Capitalist Jesus' ass.
He can certainly kick Capitalist Perkins' ass. I predict extra crispy.
Back in the day, people were struck dead for lying? That seems pretty great.
If that were true today, the next Republican Presidential debate would be over before I could even get my second beer out of the fridge.
It that were true today, I'd've been stillborn.
Yeah, I'm all in favor of trying to be honest-ish and trying to keep government honest-ish, but I couldn't make it through a day without talking completely out of my ass on at least four or five occasions.
If lying gets capital punishment, we're all completely fucked. Except for saints, of course, who are boring.
You might not even have been conceived.
yeah my Daddy sure did LOVE to put the whupass on some o' them hypocritical Xtains and it seems about time for him to do some more
That which you do for the least among you pisses me off!
The Book of Stonyheart.
Actually, I think that was a verse from the Book of Hardknocks.
"Jesus actually wore the biblical equivalent of what we know now to be a suit and tie."
Reminds me of the article last week that said rebuilding Haitian orphanages and schools makes the Hatian people weak. Yeah, them damn 4 year old orphans have it too good.
It takes a special kind of revolting to argue against helping children in dire need.
If those little bastards would just stop choosing to be poor orphans, maybe they could get ahead. Oooh – they could get jobs working in the fields! Why didn't anyone ever think of that?
Alabama needs some crops picked …
You want to bring black children into this country to perform manual labor? Such a thing would be unprecedented!
The lead paint around the pulpit and the mold on the stained glass at the Bates motel appear to be winning.
So Perkins has proven he can comb through the Gospels and find story he can stretch to fit his views; it's enough to almost make one think they are totally inconsistent because they were written by many different authors over a century or more and continually edited and mistranslated over time before being put together for a definitive text.
He's just continuing a long tradition, as the New Testament authors shoehorned the biography of Jesus into the prophecies of Isaiah in a way that would've made Cinderella's stepsisters (who in the original Grimms tale cut off their heels to fit the glass slipper the Prince was carrying around) cringe.
Screw King James; Cons worship with the John Galt version of the bible, starring Supply Side Jesus and the lazy poors.
I remember reading that when I was younger, but minas were called talents — and rather than representing money directly, the talents were, as Perkins sorta lets on at the beginning, something that everyone had in equal amounts and that they were to make the most of. The point of that story was that one's innate (or God-given, to believers) talents were to be put out into the world to find their best use, not to be hidden away.
But then I guess it was typical of a childish mind to think that particular parable conveyed a broad meaning relevant to something each person had — it took a wise adult such as Perkins to realize it was narrowly focused on the profit motive and free markets, something The LORD spoke of o so many times with great reverance and awe.
Well I'm sure Perkins did his research and looked up the names of the currency used in the Roman empire, all it takes is a quick search nowadays:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_currency
"The Roman currency during most of the Roman Republic and the western half of the Roman Empire consisted of coins including the aureus (gold), the denarius (silver), the sestertius (brass), the dupondius (brass), and the as (copper). These were used from the middle of the third century BC until the middle of the third century AD."
Oh; guess he just pulled that out of his ass.
The name sestertius (originally semis-tertius) means "2 ½", the coin's original value in asses
Wow, things haven't changed much.
The Parable of Talents is in Matthew. The Parable of Minas is in Luke. They're considered the same story, but use different wording.
Not surprising that Perkins opted for the "fuck you I got minas" version.
Well, seeing as he is a no-talent motherfucker…
I see what you did there.
He belongs in a home for the fable-minded.
Yes, it's about "talents" like playing the piano or solving differential equations, but it's also about the message of Christ, the Gift of the Holy Spirit. Using the Gift to bring more to salvation.
In the Trinity, Perkins wouldn't be the Father, nor the Son.
He'd be the Holy Blows-Alot.
Myna's are nothing but trouble, sheesh, just ask Laura Palmer. Oh right, she's dead and all that. But Waldo knows who did it!
Lo, and if my people invest in dollars, they will be rewarded as the worth of the corporation increases and the workers benefit the at the same rate as the company executives. No, no. That's not it. 999.
If Jesus came back today and ran for President ,the Republican party and Fox News would excuse the pun Would Crucify him as a liberal, socialist ,winy,Hippie Occupier Newt would tell him to take a bath and get a JOB !
Forget Joe the Plumber – Jesus the Carpenter 2012!
And they would all go immediately to hell in a ball of fire.
I forget, was Tony Perkins the guy with the mommy complex in Psycho, or the dude with all the animals sponsored by Mutual of Omaha?
I'm dating myself, yes?
I thought he had a pancake house.
Marlin Perkins was the guy on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I am old too. I also remember he drove around the savannah in a jeep and had a much younger, studly guy with him named Jim. It was Jim's job to jump out of the moving jeep and wrestle water buffalos, etc to the ground for what purpose I can't seem to remember.
Loved that show. Full episodes can be found on You Tube.
And they were dating each other.
BBT:
If you are dating yourself at least you're going out with someone you love.
Might even get a little action if I'm lucky!
When I dated myself I had pretty good sex, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Last Summer, a Christian family moved into a house in our neighborhood. Everybody was nervous about having them around and we all started locking our doors all the time and brought all of our stuff from outside, inside, because Christians like to go out and steal everything at night. Well you know what, this Christian family seemed really nice and they weren't stealing all of our stuff. They even kept their kids pretty clean and they mostly wore clean clothes. We now even trust them enough to let them in our house to use the bathroom unsupervised (we invite them to our Barbeque parties.)
I just wanted to say that not all Christians are stealers. Some are pretty nice so you should not be afraid of all of them.
That's all well and good — until they come after your prized Mother Goose, man. Then, the deal's off.
(…I apologize in advance if you opt to browse this vapid, asinine linked content)
No, I looked at it. I like to learn stuff.
Thank you. It was pretty scary.
That was…horrifying.
Humpty Dumpty Shouted "Amen!
God can put me together again!"
So remember, kids, if you don't get a miracle, it's just because your faith is weak.
And if the Devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack!
Those Christians, I can't tell 'em apart. Cute when they're young, though.
You sir are quite the humanist. However, when it comes to Christian families and my neighborhood I tend to be less forgiving and I always heed the words of the great Earl Butts…“The only thing the Christians are looking for in life are tight pussy, loose shoes
and a warm place to shit."
Look, dearest Derrick, I'm not a bigot. You know the kind of books I've written about the civil rights movement in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Evangelical Christian garb — you know, fanny backs, and sandals with socks and crying Eagle tees and cross necklaces — and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Chrisitans, I get worried. I get nervous…
& the Messicans ogling your obese white girlfriend only makes the situation worse.
(Still my all-time favorite Wonkette comment.)
Why do they need all those churches? It's not enough for them to have one church in the area, they just keep putting up more. And those religious schools. How do we know what those kids are being taught in there. I'm not a bigot but I do feel like these Christians are trying to change the way we live our lives.
And I don't buy into all their talk about love and peace and co-existence, either. I mean, look at the history of that religion! Always crusading, and burning other people's religious books (when they're not buring the people themeselves.) And always trying to impose their religious laws on everybody else. They're just never going to be compatible with American values and Democracy.
Now, see, right here, this comment out of nowhere, sitting in the middle of an already hilarious thread…well, this comment here is what makes wonkette special…this here, what I'm saying, is why I love me some wonketters.
"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
Who knew he meant the lowest-level Wall Street traders?
Oh, look, a right-winger is citing the Parable of Talents. Again. Because nothing else in the entire New Testament can be used to justify any damn thing they live by.
I think I love you for that.
Neither can this parable, since it's not actually about money. That's why it's a parable, Tony. Try reading your damned Bible for once instead of thumping it. Maybe then you can see that the frightened guy who sat on his stash of gold instead of doing something constructive with it represents Wall Street, not the Occupiers (who don't even have gold).
I dunno. I think they could get some mileage out of the Pauline Epistles. At least beyond the "submit to your husbands" line they so adore.
That Kamelos and Needle story should have shut this bitch up from the get-go.
Tony, get some yarrow stalks and throw the I Ching. Some fantastic parables in there that I'm sure you could twist into revealing what Jesus REALLY meant.
Tony Perkins is a big supporter of the Conservative Bible project.A group of Christians that are rewriting the bible because they don't like the obvious Liberal slant message that Jesus portrayed. For more info see Wiki: Conservative bible project.
If you're in heaven, can you get laid? Because most of the time somebody ends up being pissed off. You know, down the road. And then there's the matter of access. So if you're in heaven, and you want to say have sex with Katie Couric, what if she isn't down with it? I guess I would say it's probably forbidden.
But let's say all that is true, you are banging Katie Couric. It's heaven so you have this really great cock and you are just nailing the shit out of her for like an hour. But the problem is there are like ten guys that also want to bang Katie Couric. They have to wait until you finish your bullshit. Are they in heaven? It seems complicated.
The way I had it explained to me is that there is no marriage in heaven — as human marriage only reflects the marriage you'll have in heaven with Jesus — and thus no sex since you can't have sex outside of marriage. That means that while your earthly husbands and wives will recognize you, they won't be yours. That conveniently takes care of the question of multiple marriages on earth and who would be yours when you reached heaven.
Yeah, it's some convoluted, twisted shit, I tell you.
A girl I am seeing was raised Mormon. She explained the other day that Mormons have a special secret kind of marriage. And when you are sealed to someone like this, when your husband ascends to heaven he pulls you through the veil and you are with him for eternity. So while you could have many wives you can only be sealed in this manner to one person.It's also cool that the only way you can get to heaven is by your husband's leave. Get married NOW, ladies!She didn't know what happens if you find out the bitch you pledged to spend eternity with turns out to be a shrew. We all make hasty decisions, am I right? But I didn't need any background on what happens after that, because there's already a Meat Loaf song about it.
So in heaven you can only fuck Jesus? This Christianity stuff doesn't make any sense.
the marriage you'll have in heaven with Jesus
But I'm a guy. So that means there's gay marriage in heaven?
Apparently, it's not gay if it's with Jesus. Jesus is truly magic.
In heaven you just play your harp thinking about banging Katie Couric.
Is that what the kids are calling it now?
Who else would want to bang Katie Couric in Heaven?
If we are all good friends, we can speed things up by going three at a time. It's heaven, right? What could possibly go wrong?
You'd get sent to Hell as soon as your balls touched.
No, it's okay, when it's a three way, it's not gay in a three way, with a honey in the middle….
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Amen I say to you, if you had but the faith of a pepper spray, you would be able to move mountains.
I'm sure Perkins will be pointing to an unregulated free enterprise system where this didn't happen aaaanytime now….
P.S.
I'm sure Perkins will also be pointing to an unregulated free enterprise system where financial success is driven primarily by an individual's diligence and determination and not by the economic circumstances of his parents aaaanytime now….
If diligence and determination were the sole metrics for success, most teachers and firefighters (you know – those union scumbags) would be rolling in dough.
Fuck Tony Perkins.
Derivative Jesus would be 100 times better than Regular Jesus. Just keep that in mind when you bash the Job Creators.
Do you mean "jerbs" or Job the guy?
Jesus was the Creator. The wealthy are Job Creators. Therefore, I am a white horse.
Speaking of going Galt, someone else didn't pay their firefighting fee.
Damn, that shit is harsh. I'd bet my rural firefighting fee that the mayor is a church going man, too.
A municipality doesn't owe service to anyone but the municipalities that support it. Sounds to me as if the county doesn't have a firefighting department of its own or doesn't contract out for it. I can't really blame the city on this. Sounds like the county is a cheap-ass. Normally, in these situations, a city would put out the fire and then bill the owner or the county or other community (if it's another incorporated community), so that's another possibility for situations like this, but when you want to live just outside a city so as not to pay into the services you use, I can't really blame the city.
There was a slightly similar situation in the county in which I lived. The county is so strapped for money that the sheriff's department could no longer for road patrols in the out-county area (the main city, here, has it's own force, so they don't patrol out streets even though we pay for them). So, the department came up with a seperate road patrol millage as an option to continue the rural patrols, and the townships that could contract out for the service ended up shooting it down. I understand they see it as a double-tax, but what was the other option?
I think a good thing to read on this topic is the comments thread at Firehouse.com. Overwhelmingly, most firefighters -including volunteers, including rural firefighters- really don't see this as this TN FD's only option, and have gone so far as to say that they'd pack it in, if it happened in their locailty. It's not what these guys (I'd say 'we', but I've been out of service for a few years) signed up to do, and it really is quite horrendous.
What's also sort of telling is that many of the defenders in those comments seem unfamiliar with how firefighting works. There's a lot of "well, what if they did fight that fire, and someone who's supposed to be covered has an incident they can't get to?"s being tossed around. No. That's not how firefighting works. Munis make mutual aid agreeements in order to cover each other when there's multiple fire incidents, and as shitty as this is, it would cross the line from shitty to criminal for a fire department to abandon an active fire scene because of something else going on elsewhere.
I did bring up the idea of a mutual aid agreement as the other option, and really, to be clear, I think it's the only option. I think I may have been unclear that you just don't let stuff burn because of politics. My main point was that it sounds like the county and city don't have a mutual aid agreement. Is this the case? Am I wrong in thinking the county is not paying for fire service? I'll be clear, again, that to just stand around and watch a fire burn sounds unethical in the least, but it sounds to me that this is situation is possible in the first place because the rural residents want a service they refuse to pay for. Do I have that wrong?
Guppy:
There's just no excuse for the fire department to be on the scene and not help.
After all was said and done, I'm sure the poor folks would have forked over their seventy-five bucks.
Instead of an inefficient separate payment (which must cost several dollars each to process) why isn't this cost just added to the property tax bill? Assuming they have property taxes, of course.
As I recall, down in Louisiana they never could get that passed because the voters knew the money would just go to support public schools for Black folks.
"why isn't this cost just added to the property tax bill? "
NO NEW TAXES!!!11!111!!!!
Looks like the system continues to work perfectly.
That being the system of every man for himself.
The first servant reports a nice profit: 10 minas. While the story lacks specifics on whether he invested the money in a herd of sheep or a hedge fund, we do know that he made his gain by engaging in business transactions of some sort. He used a free market system to bring a tenfold return on investment. No doubt such a return took a lot of diligent, dedicated effort.
What reason do we have to think it must have been free enterprise? As far as the text of Luke 19:12-27 (or for that matter the similar, but different in key details, version in Matthew 25:14-30) is concerned, he could have used the original money to buy burglary tools to break into houses, or weapons to fall upon and rob travelers. He could have saved the original stake and then begged on the streetcorners for the other ten. Or he could have used it to bribe his way into a sweet position as a tax collector where he could simply rake it in.
So in other words, the key fact supporting the whole reading is nowhere in the text itself. Perkins just makes it up. That tells us something about his assumptions and blindspots. (Well, we know it was free enterprise. Christ doesn't say so, but what else could it be?")
But it tells us squat about Jesus.
I Know! RIght! I mean, how much 'free enterprise' was there in BC Judea? This was a world with widespread slavery, minimal infrastructure, and near constant tribal warfare. "Free Markets" were holiday events, not the basis of society.
You hit upon one of the central flaws of these peoples' worldview. They assume without any critical process of thinking that accumulated wealth is, in and of itself, a sign of morality unless there is particularly egregious evidence of an abuse in its accumulation. Poverty or the lack of wealth is believed always to be a defect, or even sin, of the poor person in possession of it.
His deductive reasoning skills are pretty shitty, to put it nicely.
As far as I'm concerned it's all made up and men in power have continued to twist these stories for their own purposes for millenia. It probably started with the very first shaman who said something like, "Hey, the Great Bear Spirit told me that his speaker should get a share of the hunter's meat and mating rights to any girl in the tribe or else he'll be pissed and we'll all starve. I swear that's what he told me last night after we ate those mushrooms."
Raising the possibility that the servant gained the additional nine minas in some nefarious fashion is directly to the point Kirsten makes, that there is a difference between investing the mina and using it to "short sell stocks on the collapsing business of a fellow herder", a difference between the way real investments create wealth and the way certain "investments" simply serve to siphon money out of the system. The whole idea that Occupiers are protesting capitalism is preposterous. They're protesting on behalf of capitalism in a way.
There's a whole lot of parable fail in this thing. Let's start with the fact that parables, by definition, are allegorical. Whatever this particular one means, it's not about investment banking any more than The Prodigal Son is about effective parenting techniques, or The Growing Seed is about gardening, or The Lost Sheep is actually about sheep herding, or the Ten Virgins is about having a fire coverage subscription.
Jesus looks pissed, he must've just seen the pepper spray video.
Jesus not an Occuppier? Hell, that man Occupied anything and everything he could fit himself into. People's hearts and souls, homes, mountaintops, gardens, temples, cities, boats, public policy (give onto caesar what is caesar's) etc…
Well, sure and he learned it from his parents. They just went ahead a occupied a stable (what we now call a run-in shed) for the blessed event. Of course there were "beasts of the field" standing around. It was their place to come for shelter and baby Jesus was laying in their food. If some folks decided to hang out in our run-in shed my horses would be standing around looking at them and wondering why they couldn't get in and eat their hay.
Poor babies, like this Tony Perkins, so full of greed and self-righteousness, and yet knowing deep in their hearts that Jesus would despise them. I feel for them.
Sorry, for once I didn't read all the comments (too drunk). Fuck Tony Perkins and the "Family Research Council". I have been watching/puking about him for decades. His old deal was the gays. Now he is onto bullshit capitalism appologista b.s. Whatever gets him a paycheck so he can go home to his wife in McClean and visiualize Larry Craig as he tries to get it up. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. There will be an AWESOME place in hell for you, motherfucking douchebag motherfucker.
It's understood that I'm to to consult with the Man Upstairs when this specimen arrives.
So, what was that whole thing about overturning the money changers tables? I'm kind of slow when it comes to wingnut theology.
As it says in the Bible; "Blessed be the rich, for they worked hard to sooth thyne wealthy relatives and secure onto themselves a hefty inheritance and can pay the modest entrance fee into eternal paradise that number in the hundreds of thousands! For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a lazy poor peasant to enter the kingdom of heaven!"
Hurpdurp 6:9
Consider the lilies — they neither toil nor spin, yet Solomon himself was never clad in such raiment. They must be trust fund kids.
If that were true, then a person who works 80 hours a week would make twice as much as someone who works just as hard 40 hours a week. So maybe Perkins can explain how, in this culture of everyone getting rewarded he hates so much, we have executives making 800 times what their wage slaves earn? How is a CEO sitting in a boardroom hundreds of times more "diligent and determined" than a firefighter running into a burning building or a teacher staying after school to help a student who is having trouble with his assignment?
Ooo, I know this one… Is it socialism?
JESUS SAVES!!!!
at Walmart's Blowout Christmas Sale-a-bration.
Jesus saved by mooching off the good will of others.
We all know that if Jesus were alive today he would be a Senior VP at Goldman Sachs. Why do you libtards hate America so much?
"Occupy till I come"? Isn't that the Penn State or RC Church motto?
What in the H-e double hockey sticks would you expect this hair-deficient SOB to say? No surprise.
Oh, no! Whatever you do, DO NOT make fun of his baldness!
Aieeeee!!! She-Bears!!!!
My favorite part of the 2 Kings 2:23-24 story is the hopeless and revealing ways that literal-truthers try to explain it away. Here is one, but you'd find the same thing in any other one (except that sometimes the apologists go further and conjecture that the taunters were also threatening Elisha with physical harm, which has no textual basis, and really doesn't help any, since if God could send the bears, he could also have arranged for the bears to – say – just chase the taunters away. God can do that, you know.):
http://www.gotquestions.org/Elisha-baldhead.html
In brief – here is why commanding the bears to maul the youths was justified:
a) Those were not "children", as the King James Bible indicates – the Hebrew word can also mean "young man". So they could have been 20.
[Comment: This is one of those bits of "scholarship" - like the claim that the "eye of the needle" is the name of a narrow gate into Jerusalem - that are pulled out of the air to muddle unwanted passages, and then spread like a robust virus through the fundamentalist community. This isn't as obviously false as the "eye of the needle" story, but I've read around on this, and the scholars who don't have a specific axe to grind tend to agree that the King James seems to be right on this one.]
b) They weren't just taunting any old man – this was a prophet of God. And since they seem to allude to Ezekeil too, that's two prophets of God. Which is just like taunting God himself.
So it wasn't "children" taunting an old man for baldness. It was 20 year olds taunting God. Which everyone will agree completely merits becoming a meal for she-bears.
What a strange world these people live in.
Jesus rejected collectivism
What a crock. It's right there in the Bible when Jesus tells the disciples, "Whatsa mina, is-a yoursa and whatsa yoursa, is-a mina."
If you don't believe me, ask Father Guido.
Are you sure Jesus wasn't Jar Jar Binks?
It's hard to believe he's not the mastermind behind the wonderful chain restaurant that is Perkins Family Restaurant. Really, truly.
Yes, we are to "occupy," not by railing against a free market system that rewards diligence, even though it is occasionally abused."
Wall Street: occasional abuse of the free market as Tony Perkins: occasional self-abuse while trolling the free market of internet pron.
And speaking of representatives not wanting to deal with their constituents:
http://www.npr.org/2011/12/05/143157276/wis-to-re...
Noah's Ark is biblical for New Jersey's ferry to downtown Manhattan.
Always wondered what that smell was.
Jesus saves! http://gifs.gifbin.com/2809sw4sw0.gif
Jesus is OK, but Thor gets results.
Everyone else takes full damage? http://tinyurl.com/5veqv4n
It is bad enough that these conservative blowhards do not know anything at all about the founding of this country and the intellectual thinking about it but now they really demonstrate that they know absolutely nothing about the religion they claim as only their own, since they believe that liberals worship Beelzebub. Could someone please stick a sock in this guy, until he passes out and dies?
Tony Perkins: The Parable of the Talentless.
The Fuckoffitudes, by Muscular Jesus
Cursed are the poor in spirit: for they just don't try hard enough.
Cursed are they that mourn: for they probably deserved it.
Cursed are the meek: for they are easy to con out of their money
Cursed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they bring the attention of the SEC on us all the time.
Cursed are the merciful: for they make the rest of us look bad.
Cursed are the pure in heart: for they are a bunch of do-gooders.
Cursed are the peacemakers: for they are causing my Lockheed dividends to tank
Cursed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is bringing me a lot of bad press
Blessed are the hedge fund managers, for surely they are diligent and dedicated.
Blessed are Executive Compensation Packages, for then we get rich even if we suck at our jobs and destroy the company with our incompetence.
let's not forget that perkins and other prosperity gospel manglers ignore some of the most important parts of that gospel: the "wicked" servent tells the nobleman in verse 21, "I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and reap what you did not sow." to which the nobleman famously, tin-earingly replies, "Why then didn't you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?"
So it's appropriate that the Jeebus in the pic looks disturbingly like Richard Branson…
Maybe Jesus would be an innocent bystander with a wife and some kids working the midnight oil from Monday through Friday who's not intellectually beholden to any specific ideology who's just trying to make it in this world?!? Ever stop to consider that?
So, you're saying that maybe God is one of us? Just a slob like one of us?
Yeah. He's like ~rain on your wedding day~! That good advice you just didn't take….
Canada should have to appear before The Hague for that.
Dude, you're completely right. I apologize to all who may have gotten that song returning to their mind upon reading my comment. Here's Killing Me Softly (With His Song) sung by Susan Boyle and I can only hope to regain people's trust once again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-pD6kzPFQM&fe...
Nope. The dude was opinionated near from birth. Preaching in the temple as a child, the whole nine. He'd have been Al Sharpton if born today, just as annoying (but righteously correct), but with a lesser mane.
Yes indeed. I wonder if parents would be so eager to get their children "WWJD?" bracelets if they realized that one of the things he did was (at age twelve) just take off from his parents for three days without telling them where he was going, or even that he was going. Then when they found him after a frantic and presumably desperate search, he was talking to some theologians and was super-irritated that they hadn't left him alone. (Luke 2:42-51). I know that's a model I'd want a 12-year-old to follow!
Jesus was taxed for your sins, commie scum!
I bet Jesus made a fortune off the loaves and the fishes, because his food costs were so low.
Wait, if you use magic to create your inventory, is that really the free market? What about the poor honest Galiliean fish-mongers who had their business up-ended by the smooth-talking Nazarene who magicks up free fish and screws up supply and demand?
I'm giving you an upfist just for your awesome avatar. I still can't get my computer to make me one.
Let them eat manna.
Meanwhile his bunghole remains, sadly, unoccupied.
[Repost from a while back]: And Teabag Jesus spake unto the multitude, saying, "Look, if you wanted some loaves and fishes, you should have planned ahead, you idiots. You knew you were going to be here all day, didn't you? What do you want Me to do, feed your lazy asses? Man up, you losers, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for your being hungry."
And then the LORD did sup with the Pharisees, and He did give them many profitable Investment Tips.
HA!
From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives
Yeah, because each and every baby is born with the same start – up resources. Those kids in the inner city and the rural middles of nowhere just need to start applying themselves!
Asshole.
So even taking the parable literally, you could see it as an argument for an estate tax. Thanks, Tony Perkins!
Wouldn't it have been easier just to say: Jesus was Jew?
Man, what a hack this guy is. There is enough fictional content in the bible without this asshole adding to it; you don't even have to go to a different chapter of Luke to deflate his shitty argument.
Luke 19:9 "But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.""
…at which point Jesus praises Zacchaeus' repentance and basically says "Hey, you actually did listen to all the stuff I've been saying, so welcome to the salvation club."
Basically he just pulled a Shirley Sherrod on scripture.
Alright, you Communist Pinko Liberal SKum:
I DARE you to tell me that Our Lord And Savior, as shown, didn't own an assault rifle.
Heck, He probably owned DOZENS.
PRAISE JAYSUS!!
Father Neilist, S.J.
First Church Of Wonkette (Scientist)
Heavily Armed Drunk Irish Desk
The Holy (I Can) See (My House From Here!)
Jesus had a tactical sling with a picatinny rail and a 30-rock magazine.
When Jesus comes back to judge everyone, the first thing he'll say is: "OK, which one of you is Tony Perkins"?
So the upshot from Perkins here is "Elect a Preterite"? — or the guy, maybe a lady if all the guys around are lacking man parts, like now with Michele Bachmann, that Jesus would want to have a beer with?
I dunno, Tony, having a hard time imagining Jesus looking down on Occupy Wall Street from a corner office, putting a consoling arm around the pin-striped shoulder of some lonely CEO, who looks down with a solitary tear rolling down his cheek, because he knows his car service is going to have a hard time pulling up to the front door and he hates leaving by way of the loading dock.
"Parables generally have a twist near the end, a final jolt to drive the point home."
Indeed. Mine, in this case, involved reverse paristalsis.
The premiss that we are all born with equal opportunities is so obviously flawed. Mother Teresa wasted all that time tending to the poor when she should have been diversifying. Christianity has become a cult. Changing the dogma of love one another to support your local capitalist is perverse.
The American (and sometimes even the more general Western) version of Evangelical Christianity is particularly vile on the whole. It attempted to merge itself completely with one economic system, and a very particular version of it, with very disasterous results.
The vulgar, watered-down, half-baked, ostentatious shit practiced in most evangelical American churches is not Christianity by any stretch of the imagination besides itself identifying as such.
You want to see the real, original, austere and very-serious-stuff, these days? You have to hole up in some monastery in Armenia or travel to some remote Greek Isle or peninsula or risk finding some hole-in-wall place in the West Bank.
Not that I am a Christian, but I am for the accurate depiction of things, and that vulgar, American capitalist "Gospel of Wealth" being preached in too many American churches, today, is not only just a distortion of the new testament teachings, but an outright lie against the so-called savior they pretend to worship. They don't worship Jesus; they worship wealth, it's insatiable accumulation, and wordly authoritarian ideals.
/rant
As a survivor of 12 years of catholic education, believe me I understand the new testament. You are right what is happening now is a perversion. The nuns that taught me spoke of empathy and justice. They worked with commie Cesar Chavez and (gasp) they taught us about contraception. (Thanks Sister Janine). We are only as successful as the least among us.
Fukkin' A – I fukkin' love this site. You let me swear 'n' stuff like that. Plus you hate Republicons so that's a bonus! Fukkin' A!!!
Wonketteers: never afraid to call a dipshit motherfucker a dipshit motherfucker.
This is the louche island of sanity in the maelstrom of window-licking internet commenting madness.
This Fractured Fairy Tale needs animation and an Edward Everett Horton narration. Also Jesus skips out on his crucifixion, rounds up the apostles and the moneylenders, and they all head off to party in Galt's Gulch.
Anyone planning the Occupy Congress ever watch CSPAN? No one is ever in the chamber!
You have to check the schedule. Tomorrow Joe Lieberman is scheduled to do his 'emasculated donkey' routine. That always fills the house and has them rolling in the aisles.
I could be wrong,but i don't imagine Blankfein even reads the New Testament let alone conjures up rationale for his behaviour from it………….
The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked.
Err, actually, the economic system described in the parable -one where servants are bound to a nobleman by accident of birth, and all of their property forfeit to him- is emphatically not a "free market system". At very best, it's serfdom, and much more likely, slavery -both systems where only a relative few designated property owners are permitted to freely act as economic agents, and everyone and everything else is considered property of those individuals.
But don't worry! We all knew that's what you meant, and Supply-Side Jesus willing, the two will be completely synonymous in relatively short order.
This one is no exception. The ruler orders that the capital, or opportunity, given to the lazy servant be taken from him and given to the most productive servant. “To everyone who has, more shall be given,” the Bible reads, “but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away.”
Redistribution upwards. The fantasy which produces spider monkey-esque uncontrollable masturbation amongst the GOP's biggest backers.
Not just like slavery; most English translations of the Bible translate the Hebrew and Greek words for "slave" as "servant", outside of Exodus, to make the whole thing look less offensive to modern readers.
Which is funny, because the historic scholarship of the time period depected in Exodus actually supports the idea that, if the Hebrews were there at all, it was probably as seasonal contracted labor, not as slaves, so servant is probably a better translation in that one spot.
Also Perkins is softening the picture even more by leaving out the more blood-stained content in the parable Luke, which includes the statement that the rich guy was a nobleman, and that while he was travelling a delegation from a group of his subjects came to tell him that they didn't want him as ruler anymore. The parable ends on this uplifting note from Our Savior: "But as for these enemies of mine who did not want me to be their king, bring them here and slaughter them in front of me!" (Luke: 19:27)
Edit: mistake in earlier version corrected.
Leave a legacy
I've already left my legacy in the bathroom this morning.
Surprisingly, it bore an uncanny resemblance to Tony Perkins…
In the temple he found people selling cattle, sheep, and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. Making a whip of cords, he drove from the temple all the smelly hippies who were occupying it and bothering these good merchants. He also took what few coins these pot smoking creeps had, and gave them to the money changers.
And He stuffeth the herb from the hippies in his garment, and said It is All Good, man…
"While some egregious abuses have taken place,"
That's why we need a Jesus to kick ass on the money lenders.
"And besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?", indeed.
Blessed are the moneychangers, for they shall receive a huge bailout when their crappy leveraged investments go belly up. They shall reap rich rewards from their greed and deceit, while the poors will pay for it. I say, those without bread can starve to death for all I fucking care.
Trump 1:15
Tony is the guy with bumper sticker that reads:
My Jesus Can Kick Your Jesus' Ass.
Ooooh, love thy neighbor as pepper spray point blank directly into their eye sockets, and poor as in petroleum by-product conglomerates.
Please remind me to bump Perkins to #9 on my wood-chipper list.
I have a terminal illness fantasy. I find out I'm dying with maybe a 5% chance of living. I forgo chemo, but buy a shit load of blowy-uppy stuff, and take folks like Mr. Perkins out with me. Yeah, I know, I will puss out if/when the time comes, and I don't want to make Tony a martyr, but it is still an awesome fantasy.
This reminds me of the famous Jesus "Where were you when I was in prison, because you totally should have been there mocking my life choices."
I was sleepin’ like a rat
When I heard something jerkin’
There stood Rita
Lookin’ just like Tony Perkins
She said, “Would you like to take a shower?
I’ll show you up to the door”
I said, “Oh, no! no!
I’ve been through this before”
"… his 10 servants…"?
Are those the servants whose feet he washed?
"In sum, Jesus actually hates poors"
You'd think in all his thumping of the Bible that Perkins might have run into something called the Sermon on the Mount. Funnily enough, it's the longest piece of teaching directly attributed to Jesus by the whole New Testament. It does, however, contain a few items that cause fundies and conservatives heartburn to varying degrees primarily in the Beatitudes. All kinds of hippie stuff in there about mercy, peace, giving comfort, and the poor. I wonder what the fundies actually do when they reach that part of the Gospels. Do they just skip over those pages or tie themselves in knots, justifying why all that stuff either doesn't apply to them or doesn't mean what it appears to mean?
"… the mentality that has occupied America for the last few decades: that everyone gets a trophy – equal outcomes for inequitable performance…" Who creates these straw men for the right? I don't know of anyone who actually advocates for the "mentality" that Perkins is describing.
Ruhe:
There must be a chain email about this because many right wing nutz are spouting the same thing: "Occupy Wall Street is the first American generation that got trophies for 'participation.' Because they didn't play dodge ball, they are now losers in life."
Mina from heaven!
Tony, sorry Joel Osteen discovered this little-known jesus fact years ago.
-The Word of Muscular, Supply-Side Jesus, from the Gospel of St. Ronald.
I'd just like to point out that there is an enormous amount of empirical evidence that enables me to say with complete certainty that this is false "While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise."
/pourselfastiffdrink
If the guy in the picture had a mullet he'd look just like Jesus.
yeah, you guys are loaded with talents
SNL reference FTW.
It seems kinda hard to believe that they don't, given how bog standard mutual aid is in the fire service. It did sound last time around like this county had concocted some sort of elaborate scheme to scale down fire coverage dramatically, so I wouldn't be completely surprised. But mutual aid agreements are usually made between neighboring fire districts, as well as state county and local forces, so it's really really difficult to believe that they didn't have an arrangement to cross-cover in case of major or multiple incidents.
Just looked up, and even though I didn't find all I wanted to find, apparently, South Fulton, TN is a twin city with Fulton in Kentucky. Both cities have a mutual aid agreement with each other, but apart from that, the TN city has a special "Rural Fire Protection Service," which is where the special "subscription" for residents comes in. It specifically states in their city charter:
That way of paying for rural fire service should be totally abandoned, and, quite frankly the more that I think about, the South Fulton FD should be done away with entirely if they can't figure out a better and ethical way to handle this problem. Perhaps, the neighboring Kentucky fire department could contract with both the Tennessee city and county so they could split the cost more easily.
One thing that amazes me is illustrated by this quote, from the mayor:
“There’s no way to go to every fire and keep up the manpower, the equipment, and just the funding for the fire department.”
First, the sheer astoundingness of someone saying "there's no way to go to every fire"- let's try replacing the word "murder", "robbery", "car accident", "heart attack" and so forth, just to get an impression of what's completely wrong with that sentence- is the fact that this claim is completely insane and irrational. They are still going to every fire, and thus still incurring the same costs as far as manpower and equipment are concerned. That stuff's mostly overhead and sunk costs by the time you're on the scene; this isn't about saving money, because it *doesn't*, it's about being an asshole and punishing people when there are plenty of alternatives avaialable, including sending them a bill after the fact.
Friend works an ambulance. Very few people can be made to pay after the fact.
Second, why should the firefighters risk their lives for a piece of random property?
Do you also advocate that State Farm, holding no policy with this family, suddenly pay out?
(Part 1)
Very few people can be made to, but as an emergency service, you're still obliged to transport someone if you respond to the scene. Even if they're non-emergent. There are laws against abandonment and neglect, which is what doing otherwise would constitute.
Second, because that's what firefighting is. That's literally what firefighters have signed on for. Life safety is always the first consideration, but protecting property is part of the definition of a firefighter's work. Don't like it, get a different job.
(Part II, focused on your last question)
Of course not. But there's a reason we have health insurance, but not transport insurance, and a reason we have renter's insurance/flood insurance/fire insurance but not police insurance or fightfighting insurance. The reason we stopped providing emergency services on a use subscription basis (and in some cases, implemented laws prohibiting it) is because it crosses the line from insurance scheme (guaranteed small cost over time to protect against the risk of a giant cost all at once) to protection racket (pay us, or else no one will come when there's an emergency). Moreover, fire departments, unlike insurance companies are typically non-for-profit entities, and as such, are given tax breaks on the assumption they provide a community benefit beyond their customer base. If that's not the case, they should not have that tax status.
Hey, they wanna throw the *prisoners* in the field as it is, and I *know* I don't need to remind you that most prisoners in Ala-bammy ain't exactly as white as the driven snow.
We'll just be doing like Newt wants. Teach those little black kids some WORK ETHIC! Isn't that what Newt meant? It's *black* kids that don't have none of that work ethic?
(Doesn't anyone think it's strange that black superstar entertainers and athletes have PLENTY of work ethic? Apparently, when you pay them enough money all that "laziness" just melts away.)
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