the war on xmasween

‘Crucified Santa’ Holiday Display Goes Over As Well As You’d Expect

The kids will love it!

Is it Xmasween time already, kids? Not if the furious Christians of Loudoun County, Virginia have anything to say about it! A holiday display on the courthouse lawn featuring a crucified Santa skeleton was reduced to ruins thanks to a bilious outpouring of fury from the Jesus people, and more specifically because one enraged woman stopped by to personally tear it apart. The point of the display according to the artist was to “depict society’s materialistic obsessions and addictions and how it is killing the peace, love, joy and kindness that is supposed to be prevalent during the holiday season,” which is naturally a sentiment deeply offensive to Christians, because of Santa being one of the original twelve apostles and, uh… what else, mall shopping being a holy sacrament? Anyway, more importantly, WHO IS TO BLAME FOR ALLOWING THIS ABOMINATION IN THE FIRST PLACE???

Hahahaha, it’s the easy answer: Christians did!

Leesburg Today reports on this hilarious “whoops” move by the nutters:

The debate over the courthouse displays began in November 2009, when the county’s Courthouse Grounds Facility Committee decided to no longer allow any displays–including the manger scene that usually was displayed at the corner of King and Market streets–on the grounds during the holiday season. Public outcry ensued, including calls that the decision was infringing on residents’ religious freedom, and the Board of Supervisors a few days later overturned the committee decision, saying all displays were welcome on the courthouse grounds. County Attorney John R. Roberts advised the board its options were to allow all displays, or none, and that they could not limit displays based on content.

Under rules adopted by the Board of Supervisors, 10 displays have been allowed in 10 specific locations on the courthouse grounds, with applications accepted on a first-come, first-served basis until all the spots are taken. This year, all of the applications were submitted by March and a majority of them came from atheists or those promoting “reason over religion” this holiday season. Two displays will promote the “Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

The Xmasween Santa may not have survived, but residents will still be able to enjoy some of these fine displays that also made the list by virtue of being submitted on time:

• A sign showing a picture of the Easter Bunny, Santa and Jesus Christ with text that states, “Myths for Young and Old,” a quote from Thomas Edison and information about the Loudoun Atheists, submitted by Leesburg resident Emmert Elsea.

• A banner with the text “Celebrating our Constitution” and language about keeping church and state separate, submitted by Leesburg resident Rick Wingrove. The banner comes from American Atheists and NOVA Atheists.

• A banner promoting “reason in the holiday season,” submitted by Lansdowne resident Larry Mendoza.

• A holiday display that will either be a Tree of Knowledge or a holiday message sign, from Sterling resident Lydia Rice.

Sneaky atheists, thinking about Christmas back in March before all those holiday ads go up to remind everyone to buy more shit. It’s almost like cheating! [Leesburg Today/The Friendly Atheist]

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    1. sbj1964

      Looks like the Fat man has lost a few pounds! I heard the Reindeer were going to charge him a higher ticket rate for being over weight

      1. YasserArraFeck

        and no more than 3 ounces of hooch in his hip flask, or it'll be "Ho Ho Ho JESUS!! – TAKE YOUR FUCKING RINGS OFF BEFORE YOU STICJ YOUR HAND UP THERE!!!, courtesy of the TSA (aka the Probey Elves)

      1. Fare la Volpe

        You should check out Santa's Slay. Goldberg burns off Fran Drescher's face with scalding soup and then decapitates her.

        Fun for the whole family!

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Maye Skeletal Santa can be Jeff Dunham's new puppet, and have hilarious conversations with Achmed the Dead Terrorist while we try to ignore Dunhams moving lips.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Which will it be, dood? Great minds think alike? Or small minds seldom differ?


      Sorry. I'll be OK. Breathe. Breathe deep.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Am I a bad person because I really want a reddish brown marker to put proper nipples on those?

  1. freakishlywrong

    Bah. On my daily walks I see hundreds of "flat Santas", and snowmen and probably even Jebuses, lighten up frothers. It's the holidays.

  2. SorosBot

    Maybe the Christians were just angry because the display of the Roman murder instrument that they believe was used to torture and execute their savior is supposed to be a symbol for happy celebrations of Easter, not Christmas.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      So you're saying that a crucified Easter Bunny would be OK with the Xtards? I look forward to testing this theory.

      1. Extemporanus

        ♫♪ …And I was 'round when Santa Christ
        Had his moment of doubt and pain
        Made damn sure that Prancer
        Licked his hands and pulled his sleigh…

          1. Extemporanus

            If the Stones can rhyme "pain" with "fate", then I can sure as hell rhyme "pain" with "sleigh".


      1. PalinzADummy

        Jeebus was mostly OK and not-angry, except at the truly disgusting people like money changers (I'm looking at you, Republicans) and stuff. But, yeah, I like the idea of Santa Jeebus.

        1. Swampgas_Man

          So Big J fattened up, and decided to work with the money-changers; a Xmas lesson for everyone!

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        oh thanks so much for that, it's a tradition that we watch this episode every holiday season, at Kwanzika (Dad always ends up snortin' eggnog out his nose, good times!)

  3. sbj1964

    Santa died for your gifts ,and came back 3 days later with a crew of Zombie Reindeer,and were seen by many.

  4. SexySmurf

    Every fucking year with this shit. If these hillbillies want to put up Crimbo decorations so badly, they should move some of the broken down cars off their lawns and put the nativity scenes there.

    1. DaRooster

      Baby Jesus… in the ass end of a rusty, up on blocks 67 Chevy Pick up… With the 3 wise Racoons gathered around… I like it.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          If they were all that wise, they wouldn't have ended up stuffed. But who's gonna know, right?

    2. YouBetcha

      Absolutely no joke: my Texass relatives have a defunct toilet in the back yard, which they merrily string up with Christmas lights in December. Actually, the lights are on it all year. They just turn them on in December. In Jesus's name we pray, Amen.

      1. DaRooster

        "Hey look at the calendar… it's December already! Jimmy Joe Bob… time to duct tape that cord together again."

    3. MrFizzy

      Oh, I don't know, I think those filthy plastic wise men with the 15-watt light bulbs look good intermingled with '79 Monte Carlos.

    4. Douché

      Hillbillies???? We here in LOCO ( Loudoun County) are full of HOA's, I can't even put a goddamn pink flamingo in my front yard without getting fined. But these bitches can hang a cross in front of the court house without setting it on fire and all they do is rip the skeleton santa off it? Christ, I mean what would Jesus do, holy shit, did I just type all of that. What an imbecile.

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Wait a minute. Papa Bush said Pearl Harbor was on September 7th.

        "Today, you remember. I wonder how many Americans remember. Today is Pearl Harbor Day. Forty-seven years ago to this very day, we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor and we were not ready," Bush said.

        "Freedom is on the march… Did I say Sept. 7? Sorry about that–Dec. 7, 1941, 47 years."

  5. natoslug

    This is Christmas! Whaddya think yer doin', letting atheists, muzzies, Jews and other commie socialist godless nazi heathens ram their rights to free speech down our throats???!!!!!????f11?

  6. freakishlywrong

    From the comments; The Santa on the cross seems to qualify as a Hate Crime, not Free Speech to be protected.

    I shit you not.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I will cite the Wingnut to English Dictionary for this one:

        Hate Crime

        n. Anything that makes a white Christian heterosexual male uncomfortable.

        1. SorosBot

          So is it a hate crime to point out that Tim Teabow is a shitty quarterback who's very lucky to be on a team with a great defense?

          1. FlownOver

            Oh, God, we humbly beseech Thee… of all the supplications addressing the world's many needs, please grant the request of a handful of oversized millionaires and give us a FIELD GOAL!

          2. GOPCrusher

            But the real kick in the nuts, is he keeps winning games.
            I have to believe that John Elway has put a bounty out on him.

          3. Ruhe

            No, no. The hate crime, i.e., "anything that makes a white Christian heterosexual male uncomfortable", is the erection said male gets whenever he watches Timothy Richard take the field.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I have hated Santa since the fucker didn't bring me the Hot Wheels racing set like I wanted.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Fucker hasn't ever brought me a single thing, and that's a hate crime. It's not like he couldn't find the house either; you could see the menorah in our window from three blocks away.

          1. Geminisunmars

            Nah, I'm this way all the time. I'm always having to get hosed down. (you can construe that any way you wish.)p.s. I'm enjoying my after glow.

    2. hagajim

      Hanging an imaginary character on a cross depicting another likely imaginary character is a hate crime?…Jesus save me!

      1. Geminisunmars

        On the second day of terror my gyno brought to me…

        two fertile loves

        and a cartridge in a bare tree.

          1. datateday

            On the third day of terror my— Oh no, Santa! What are you doing in here? Oh no, what are you doing– Santa! Help! Nooo!!! Why are you–?! Aaaaaaackk!!!!!

          2. datateday

            No, I'm on the straight 'n' narrow, honestly. What REALLY corrupted me was poncho_pilot's Santa Slasher Movie Trailer. I blame that for any discrepancies in my personality, since seeing it, any way.

          3. Fukui_sanYesOta

            On the fourth day of terror O'Reilly brought to me

            Four Loofas Frotting

            Three Santas Raping

            Two Fertiles Loves

            and a cartridge in a bare tree

  7. DaSandman

    It would have all been fine if the artist had the foresight to have the skelly Santa carry a big honking .50 cal machine gun while he was buggering a tender Senate page. Then the Jeebus folks would have understood it was a display sponsored by Virginia Republicans

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    When the fundie conservatives* put up their little imaginary fetus-graveyard with the little white crosses and such on the lawn of our local Catholic Church, somebody came and messed that shit up, too.

    But I'm pretty sure it was just kids on BMX bikes, thinking it would make a rad slalom course.

    (*Same assholes who just got Harry Potter banned from my kid's school library.)

    1. Barrelhse

      Have your kid bring in a copy of "Naked Lunch" and watch the zany antics.

      JK, of course. I would never endanger a child.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I don't know how old Lascaux' kids are, but I read Naked Lunch when I was 13. My parents thought it was "science fiction" and the nuns didn't even notice.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          My kid is 11. She just really wants read harry Potter is all.

          Oddly enough, one of the Harry Potter books was her most recent majorly overdue dad-is-getting-pissed-just-find-the-damn-book-and-return-it-OR-NO-MORE-LIBRARY-PRIVILEGES-book! (We go through this scene about 5 times every school year.) The really dumb part is we have all the Harry Potter books at home already.

          1. PalinzADummy

            That's funny. I don't know why kids do what they do, and I know that most parents don't find it terribly amusing at the time, but I know I did stuff very similar to that when I was a kid. My parents had an entire house full of books, shelves in every room crammed floor to ceiling with books. And, being the weird people they were, they exercised no parental guidance or control whatsoever, so that most of us had read Lady Chatterly's Lover, Naked Lunch, and the like, long before we had any understanding of what they meant. Nevertheless, we HAD to drag poor Dad to the library every weekend without fail to get books that we had at home.

            I think it's the way kids exercize some control over their environment, however pitifully small and inadequate and illusory that control is. Poor you. All I can say is, someday you'll be laughing your ass off as your kid goes through this exact same scenario with HER kid. I suspect it's the main reason people want their kids to have kids: revenge for all the suffering they went through as parents.

    2. finallyhappy

      I'm guessing that The Hunger Games would get burned in your area then. Harry Potter is nothing compared to those books.

  9. MrsBiggTime

    Three days after He was crucified, Santa rises from the dead.
    He sees His shadow, signalling six more weeks of Holiday shopping.

          1. PalinzADummy

            We should spray Megynne (however she spells it) Kelley with that. Being as she's a Foxtard and all, I'll bet she doesn't get her 5-7 servings of vegetables a day.

      1. PalinzADummy

        The ex-who-is-a-chef used to think it was very amusing to serve bunnies made out of duck liver pate (with little currants for eyes) at Easter. When I complained, the response was "Wut? How else will they know there's a Jew in the kitchen?"

  10. dadanarchist

    Look, conservative assholes, you demanded fiscal austerity and government cutbacks, so Loudon County had to 'go Galt' on the traditional Jebus-Donkey Stall and all it can afford is crucified skeleton Santa.

  11. Troglodeity

    Something tells me that if the "Loudoun Atheists," "American Atheists" and "NOVA Atheists" held a joint meeting in Leesburg, they could have it in a McDonald's booth with a couple seats to spare.

    1. delaney_blom

      The congregation was much larger before the Loudoun Atheists splintered off because they do not recognize the supremacy of PBS. That's when the "Atheists" added NOVA to the name of their organization, denoting the source of their dogma.

      1. Negligently_Joe

        ♫ ♪ He's makin' a list,
        Checkin' it twice.
        'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice,
        And then pepper-spray them all indiscriminately anyway. ♪ ♫

  12. James Michael Curley

    Always in the south – the deep south, not Long Branch, NJ. There they have a festive Christmas Eve display of Santa and his workshop staged live. Ol' Sam Browne combs the fall folliage out of his beard, dresses in red and brings along his eight teen aged 'daughters' dressed as naughty elves.

  13. Captain_Quark

    Dear Faithful,

    It's high time that we take Christ out of Christmas. The whole thing is a magnificent pagan holiday rooted in the feasts of the winter solstice. Let's spend this Yule getting back to the basics: eating, drinking, fucking, and having a grand ol' time. I'll see you 'neath the mistletoe, awaiting my blowjob.
    Yours in the name of Odin,
    Captain Quark.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I know Herman Cain is getting back to those things that matter.

      And meeting with his wife's attorneys.

    2. TeaNuts

      Not sure I agree with the order. ….basics: eating, drinking, fucking, and having a grand ol' time.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    one enraged woman stopped by to personally tear it [the display] apart

    This reminds me of my friend who loves to tell how he & his cousins, growing up along the mountainous Blue Ridge, would take stiffened, not-yet-rotten deer carcasses and prop them up near the roadways (ones w/ intact antlers worked best, obvs) then lay back and watch (this was during hunting season, duh) as motorists drunk from hunting would spy'em a 'live' one in the dim twilight and fire at their latest game sighting through the rolled-down window without bothering to pull over. Occasionally their vehicles slowed as passengers gawked at their fired-upon specimen, frozen-still yet so lifelike.

    So yeah, are we sure this isn't Loudoun Heights, WEST Virginia? cause I'm thinking the only thing more furious than a punk'd hunts-hick would be a rabid Christian onlooker with a martyr complex and zero sense of humor.

    1. FlownOver

      "…a rabid Christian onlooker with a martyr complex and zero sense of humor?"

      A triple from the Department of Tautological Redundancy Department! Well played, sir/ma'am/entity.

  15. BlackRhino

    Every time I hear of the Flying Spaghetti Monster this time of year it makes me laugh.

    Oh Great Flying Spaghetti Monster, you are here but once a year and you bring joy and laughter.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I'm already at work on my new series called, "Alternate execution methods for Jesus." Where do I file for the permit?

  16. DaRooster

    "Christmas is not about sharing, giving or being kind to fellow humans… It is solely about spending, pepper spraying and Mega-Stores! Get with it!"

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why is it that I'm sure a crucified Santa will give Bill O'Reilly the biggest orgasm he has had since the last time he walked by a Falafel stand?

  18. SoBeach

    He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

    His bony, fleshless fingers are on your bedroom doorknob right now, and he's starting to turn it.

    Now go to sleep, kids, or you won't get any presents.

      1. SoBeach

        We need to bring that cuddly guy back. Kids would wake up xmas morning happy just to be alive.

        Meanwhile all that money I would have spent on xboxes and hollister clothes can be better spent on booze, smokes, and bail.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Run away with me, Biely. We'll put the Eye of Sauron on the Xmas tree together.

          Jezus, y'all are the biggest bunch of fucking sickos on the planet. No wonder I love it here.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            The weather might be frightful, but I don't think you'd find the fire inside all that delightful. (Those aren't chestnuts roasting, for one thing…)

  19. Generation[redacted]

    The Jedi religion is sorely underrepresented. Have we forgotten the spirit of Life Day?

  20. Extemporanus

    Dear Loudoun County Godless Heathen Heroes,

    Should you run out of sufficiently offensive holiday display ideas, feel free to adapt mine from a couple years ago:

    "Never Regift…"

    You're welcome,

    1. YasserArraFeck

      ReGrifting, OTOH, is A-OK – scamming the conservitards a second time before they realize they were shafted the first time…..well, it's positively…. Christian

  21. Trannysurprise

    How do they know that isn't Jebus? He is, after all, dead and is probably skeletonized by now.

    What could be better than a dead suffering Jebus Santa on the cross so you can have an Xbox?

  22. weejee

    Well is crucifying Santa really that outre? Some folks would like to crucify a certain alleged pedophile coach from PSU, so if ya crucify one pedo, should ya crucify 'em all?

  23. DerrickWildcat

    I think it is really important to also have the 10 Commandments posted on every building and city bus because sometimes I forget that stabbing people and stealing stuff is a bad thing to do.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        I'm more of a Bird Picture taker than a pure bird watcher. Bird watchers are pretty nerdy. But it is true that you do have to know a little about birds to know where to look for them because it would be dumb to look for Horned larks in a tree when everybody knows that they run around on the ground in Corn Field stubble LOL!11!!

        1. PalinzADummy

          I have a pair of good friends who are avid (heh) birdwatchers, schlepping over high country and low, binoculars in hand. I don't think they take any pitchers tho. Your pitchers are truly beautiful. But I can tell you don't live in the same part of the country I do, because I don't recognize most of your bird pitcher birds.

          Have you ever been to Singapore? They have an immense, and beautiful, Bird Park there, I think it's the largest in the world, and it's filled with birds running (and flying) free. I saw a Secretary Bird, hornbills, toucans, Birds of Paradise, and the most bizarre collection of sparrows and pigeons. Also, clouds of those little bright-green parrots called tota in India/Pakistan, macaws, hawks, eagles, kestrels, sparrowhawks, and vultures. Fascinating.

          1. PalinzADummy

            For just a fraction of a second there, my feelings wuz hurted, and I wondered what I had done for you to call me names.

            Then I remembered my ID nym. I wonder if it's OK to change it to something else, now?

            'Tain't me that's multifaceted, dear Geminisunmars, I just happen to know lots of fascinating wonderful people. Like you. (hug)

          2. Geminisunmars

            But how will I recognize you? (Truly, thought I was being intimate and affectionate calling you Dummy. At least that was how my family explained it to me.)

          3. PalinzADummy

            I could go back to PristinePantalones, which has the advantage of being instantly recognizable as well as a slam at that silly witch as well as, you know, flattering. I mean, better Pristine than Dummy, right?

            And yeah, my family told me the same thing. You sure we're not related, now? Someone once gave me a copy of Franny and Zooey, saying "This reminds me of your family." I'm not sure it was intended entirely as a compliment.

          4. Geminisunmars

            I think it is time for a new tack for your name. One that doesn't associate you with grifting and/or idiotic behavior. So that leaves out most politicians. And religious leaders. How about a favorite writer, or dog star?I have to say that Franny & Zooey's family life was more like mine than that of Ozzie & Harriet's. Intellectual, bohemian, philandering, artistic, narcissistic, and largely dysfunctional would be an apt description of my parents. I had one older brother who drank himself to death by his early 50s. I think he saw us a Salinger characters.

          5. PalinzADummy

            You know the whole name thing came about because of notthatDewey. He pointed out that every time I changed my name and av, the erstwhile candidate whose likeness I was mocking took a huge dive in the polls. So we decided to keep going through them, and I think I really DO have the reverse Midas touch! One by one, I've slain all the little bastids.

            I wish I could say my parents were as interesting as yours, although Mother certainly earned her monicker: the Bitch of Bergen-Belsen. I'm sorry about your brother. It's all fun and games till someone stretches the metaphor a little too far. Although let's face it life was lot more fucking colourful (if painful) back when people were allowed to be crazy motherfuckers. I feel like the Nannies won the culture war and we must all be good now instead of the bunch of roistering drunkards and lotos-eaters we were meant to be. But there. It's just misplaced nostalgia for my bygone yoof, now half a century past.

          6. Geminisunmars

            Well, with that logic I guess it's time for NewtieCutie to emerge. Time to go to bed and astrally project myself to your embrace.

  24. GOPCrusher

    I have to assume that the woman that destroyed the display was charged for destruction of property?

  25. jus_wonderin

    I am not there yet, but there is a moment every Christmas season when I get overdosed to the fucking gills on goddamned red and green. But, I am not there…yet.

  26. sbj1964

    Some people actually think that a 3 headed God,Ghost,man cosmic Jew Came down to earth and raped a 13 yr old girl to impregnate her with himself,so that he could later sacrifice himself to himself for rules he himself put in place,and while down here told people they could live forever if they drink his blood ,and eat his flesh? And that they don't have to burn in hell forever just because some naked Tart got conned into eating a piece of fruit from a magical tree by a talking snake? The Bible story in a Nut Shell.

    1. Douché

      What about the Scimitar and the watery tart?? Oh wait, that's Monty Python, that's probably true–er.

  27. Chichikovovich

    society’s materialistic obsessions and addictions and how it is killing the peace, love, joy and kindness that is supposed to be prevalent during the holiday season

    First: Crucify Santa. Second: Call Christmas "the holiday season". We're clearly dealing with the Baader-Meinhof gang of the War on Christmas.

  28. Generation[redacted]

    The War on Christmas has gone hot. From my hick facebook friend about an unrelated government nativity scene:

    We as Christians need to stand up and say, "Enough is enough. We've been quiet for too long, and we're not going to take it any more."

    Really, you Xtians have been quiet about this for how long? Pass the popcorn, this is going to be a good one.

      1. PalinzADummy

        You SEE why I hang out on teh Wonketz? I actually went and looked up Planck time, and learned something.

        Now, admittedly, MOST Of what I learn on teh Wonketz is in the UrbanDictionary(tm), but once in a while, SorosBot, once in a while …

    1. GOPCrusher

      Whatever happened to pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and personal responsibility?
      Until I see the FEMA built concentration camps filled with Xtians and placed in forced labor, YOU ARE NOT BEING PERSECUTED.

  29. donner_froh

    Public outcry ensued, including calls that the decision was infringing on residents’ religious freedom

    Translation: Civic authorities wouldn't allow me to display symbols of my religion while banning everything else.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      These right wing nutz need to learn a very important life lesson: "Be careful what you wish for!"

      They are all for religious freedom. Except for everyone else.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Someone needs to sit these mindless bastards down and explain to them that the Law, in its majesty, will permit Moose Lumps to put their Moose Lump Satanz on the public square if these eejits want to see their Jeebus in there also, too.

        Why are they so fucking DENSE?

  30. owhatever

    It's a great day in Loudon County! Set free the Dogs of the War on Christmas and cry Havoc in Aisle 45 at K-Mart.

  31. poorgradstudent

    Finally, a postmodern art project I can get behind, and the fundies destroy it.

    Also, aren't these the same people who constantly whine about the "reason for the season"? So shouldn't they be agreeing with the point behind it, or is that giving their capacity for critical thinking way too much credit?

    1. poncho_pilot

      the commercialization of Xmas can't be blamed on liberals–yet–so a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, and butthurt "Christians" start salivating.

      1. poorgradstudent

        OMG YES.

        Also vanilla-covered pretzels, which my grandmother liked making for the holidays.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Puts the whole, "Santa won't come until you're fast asleep" thing in a whole new light, doesn't it?

    2. GOPCrusher

      How about the little urchin that tells Santa that all he wants for Xmas is for Daddy to get a job?

        1. PalinzADummy

          It is. It's hard enough for the little tykes to get through their childhoods as it is. When Daddy's out of work, and Momma doesn't have money, Christmas must be awfully bleak for the kiddies. I think I'll go give some money to Toys for Tots, or something now. I hate Christmas.

  32. Eve8Apples

    Next year, would Wonkette please publish a link to the Loudoun County Courthouse Christmas display application?

    I suspect the Wonkeeters would have some creative ideas to liven up the holidays in Loudoun County. I'm submitting the homage to South Park Hidee Ho Mr. Hanky Christmas poo idea. It involves my dog repeatedly crapping on the courthouse lawn and me covering up the deposits with little Santa hats. Next to the hats, I'll put little signs on the lawn that say, "Hidee Ho Holidays Loudoun County!"

    1. jus_wonderin

      I'd love to enter a living tribute to my memories of the season. A reenactment of Uncle Ned, a WWII vet, crouched behind the Christmas tree screaming "Cut the red wire! Cut the red wire!".

      Meanwhile Aunt Edna, a cigerette dangling from her overly lipsticked lips, whirling in an appliance box with her gin bottle and sloshing tumbler raised in joyously upstretched arms singing "Little Drummer Boy".

      Repeat performances every 30 minutes.

      Oh the memories.

      1. GOPCrusher

        That reminds of the DJ at a Davenport, IA radio station that snapped, barracaded himself in the booth and put "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" on a continuous loop.
        Took them almost two hours to get him out.

    2. poncho_pilot

      i'm thinking "Santa Bathing In The Blood Of Virgins". that's how he achieves immortality. this would also include Bill O'Reilly dressed in fetish gear as a "sexy-elf".

    3. PalinzADummy

      I like love this idea!

      I'd like to do a nativity display with a water buffalo for Joseph and a rhino for Mary, and The Three Wise Cats surrounding the Baby Jeebus as represented by a syringe.

      Anybody else hear that dreadful joke about the guy who had to shit while hiking through one of our public parks? Covered it up with his hat? Told a ranger it was a rare bird? No?

      How come *I* get all the BAD jokes?

      1. jus_wonderin

        Now don't you go winning me with the Baby Jeebus = syringe thing.

        But, how would you represent the star that shown down upon him in the manger?

        1. PalinzADummy

          A giant dick wired to glow on/off in rhythm with the Xmas lights? It could shower a little shower of gold sprinkles on the syringe every so often, to keep things, you know, exciting.

  33. Eve8Apples

    Santa has really let himself go. Maybe he switched to one of those fad vegan, gluten-free diets. He could really use some beer and pizza.

  34. anniegetyerfun

    Well, I have to admit that this is a bit of a bummer. I don't object to it in theory, but… you know, c'mon.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "No wire hangers! What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you no wire hangers, ever?! I work and I slave until I'm half dead, and all I hear people say is she's getting old. And what do I get? A daughter who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her as she cares about me! What's wire hangers doing in this closet?!"

  35. Rotundo_

    I'm not gettin' it here folks- The fundies from these parts hate Santa because the emphasis is on the jolly fat elf instead of the little baby Jesus. So you see a lot of "Keep Christ in Christmas" signs and stuff here. I thought Santa was the sworn enemy of the Christian types since he diminished THE LORD'S role in the holiday. You would think they would have a Santa hanging from a tree or something. I'm surprise they haven't done a little homework and banned trees and wreaths since they were "borrowed" from the Pagans. I suppose that that would require consistency and coherence which aren't usually big parts of Christianity as practiced.

  36. dinkybossetti

    Yes! I will be visiting my parents in Loudoun Co for Christmas. Thanks for the tip about the county courthouse's beautiful Christmas displays! I am adding it to my holiday to-do list.

    1. Geminisunmars

      "Hey Gang. Let's go round the courthouse. Oh, no particular reason, just thought it would be fun."

  37. Antispandex

    There is no way these Santa haters can avoid a very stern scolding from Fox News! Imagine! Defacing the very symbol of holiday capitolism, during this season of outrageous consumerism! It is absolutely un-American!

  38. Redhead

    "Public outcry ensued, including calls that the decision was infringing on residents’ religious freedom"

    Pssst, Virginia residents: Despite what Beck, et al say in their drug-addled states, religious freedom does not mean the freedom to impose your religion on everyone else.

  39. gullywompr

    As a resident of LoCo, I just have to say that the frequency with which my county is featured on Wonkette is depressing.

    And as an atheist, I'd like to say that that the Santa skeleton was needlessly provocative. I mean, we're atheists, right? What the fuck do we care?

  40. voodooeconomics

    Christians do the darnest. ( is this a word) They act violently so easily one would think the Biblia has something to do with it.
    Has the Church of the Spaghetti Monster been sanctified by the Papa Benedito Uno

  41. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Somewhat OT, but this story just reminded me of a tale I once read (possibly on here?) where a poster worked for a publisher in New York where one of the other companies in the building insisted on having a nativity scene in the building foyer every year.

    Whenever this person's (Jewish) boss was having a bad day, he'd head down to the lobby and try to drop-kick baby jebus into an elevator. Apparently it was an excellent stress reliever.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Drop-kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life!

      True story: I went to a Catholic school, so we had the obligatory Nativity display. Fortunately, the display was at the shrine OUTSIDE the high walls and gates of the school itself. The kids took inordinate amounts of pleasure in torturing the poor Baby Jebus to the point where the school and its neighbouring church joined forces to patrol the Nativity display from the time it went up to the time it went down. (sniff!)

  42. GregComlish

    America is being crucified on the cross of atheism, just like William Jennings Bryant warned us.

  43. glamourdammerung

    If Christians could only manage to put half as much effort into doing all the red parts of their Babble that they do whining about how not being able to use the state to force their weak beliefs down everyone else's throats is somehow "just like what Hitler did".

  44. Douché

    I love that kind of hypocrisy, We want the freedom to express our ideas! But you better not express yours…

  45. Negropolis

    God, atheist can be some prigs. lol

    BTW, can I just say that as an agnostic aetheist (i.e. someone who simply doesn't care whether there is a "god" or not), that I hate seeing fellow aetheist take the bait of the "War on Christmas"? The fact is that the holiday has almost completely lost the Christian meaning the early Catholic church tried to attatch to it. The fact is that someone wishing me a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah doesn't offend me in the least bit. So, let the Christians fight their one-sided "War on Christmas", already, and let's just stay out of the ploy, altogether. All of this provocative bullshit on courthouses lawns is just stupid.

    1. DahBoner

      Actually, Winter Solstice is a pagan holiday.

      That the Christian church tried to attach a Christian meaning to.

      But the People, still practice it as a pagan holiday…

      1. Negropolis

        To be clear, I meant the early meaning of Christmas, itself. I did know that before that it was a pagan winter solstice festival.

  46. DahBoner


    Bless you! For you have sneezed the holy sacrament of mucus and upper-repiratory cold virus upon crucified Santa…

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