TWO NUTS BEAT AS ONE  4:05 pm December 2, 2011

Iowa Bigots Can’t Decide Between Santorum & Bachmann, Endorse Both

by Wonkette Jr.

Times are tough for the anti-homosexual wingnut bigots of the Iowa GOP. They can’t decide which third-tier loser to endorse in their 2012 pretend election against all gay people existing … so they’ve picked both Rick “anal cum” Santorum and pathological pillhead baby rancher Michele Bachmann. Together, they are the best president America never had!

From some email we are now deleting:

Rev. Gordon said Santorum and Bachmann’s swift July responses to the Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow – a sweeping political pledge document that addresses issues ranging from adultery and marital fidelity, homosexual unions and gay health issues, U.S. monogamy and Islamist polygamy, fatherless children and U.S. military policy – has been extremely important to his decision. Gordon noted that only Santorum, Bachmann and Texas Gov. Rick Perry have signed the document, while frontrunner Gingrich, the former U.S. House Speaker, has rejected both the Iowa vow and the National Organization for Marriage pledge against same-sex unions. The Iowa Caucuses endorsement of the Family Leader and its president, 2010 GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, a crucial ally of Gordon’s in the defeat of the justices, isstill pending.

In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course. With only a month until the Iowa Caucuses, “it is abundantly necessary that the conservative community coalesce behind only one of … two great candidates,” Santorum and Bachmann. Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

Santorum and Bachmann, Gordon says, have both pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy against open homosexuality, reversed earlier this year by President Obama. “Rick and Michele would make a great GOP match, and would defend Judeo-Christian monogamy, while I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense,” Gordon said.

Hahahah, well it is true that Newt Gingrich is going to personally destroy the Heterosexual Institution of Marriage by actually divorcing every woman alive, secretly. Anyway, fuck all these swine.

 
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{ 114 comments }

Gratuitous World December 2, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Well, it's a big agricultural state, and Santorum is probably pretty good for crops.

Callyson December 2, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Kills any and all troublesome pests…except for Republicans…

Nothingisamiss December 3, 2011 at 11:53 am

It has electrolytes!

Biff December 3, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Uh what are elecrolytes?

Crowe2011 December 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

They're what plants crave. Santorum has electrolytes.

Biff December 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I refuse to believe that santorum is Brawndo. Brawndo has value, after all.

horsedreamer_1 December 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

How lubed is your valley?

justkillmenow December 2, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Be careful about the "fuck all these swine" comments when you're talking about Iowa. The pig factories there are something to behold.

RadioYKWE December 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

"fuck all these swine" is the new "Sincerely Yours."

SorosBot December 2, 2011 at 4:12 pm

The organization does not support secular atheist monogamy I take it.

freakishlywrong December 2, 2011 at 4:13 pm

What the fuck is in the cawn in Iowa?

justkillmenow December 2, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Malachai. Oh, wait. That was Nebraska.

poncho_pilot December 2, 2011 at 6:18 pm

lol. like there's much difference.

Grief_Lessons December 2, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Michele is not the Bachmann I most associate with Santorum.

SayItWithWookies December 2, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

I'll bet that's not the first time a preacher has longed for the mingling of Bachmann and Santorum.

Maman December 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

It is ironic that bobadil wencher, Newt Gingrich is the sweetheart of the Xtian conservatives. Seems like they should be ready to implode into a black hole any minute now.

tihond December 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

They're going to plotz when they finally figure out that he's Catholic, which for some of them (I'm looking at you, Michele) is worse than wearing the magic underwear.

Maman December 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Yeah, but they know that he is only Catholic to seal the deal… Lies told to get pussy don't count, do they?

flamingpdog December 2, 2011 at 5:18 pm

And Newtie wouldn't be in this position if Hermie hadn't exploded into a black hole not his wife's.

KeepFnThatChicken December 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Catholic Creationist / Lutheran Beard 2012!

mavenmaven December 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

"Judeo-Christian monogamy"? In what bible did he find that?

SexySmurf December 2, 2011 at 4:28 pm

It's somewhere between the part about cutting corporate tax rates and the part about banning stem cell research.

RadioYKWE December 2, 2011 at 5:18 pm

It's the creeping backdoor Talmudic law.

SorosBot December 2, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Let's take a look at Deuteronomy…

"But if this thing be true, that the tokens of virginity were not found in the damsel; then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die; because she hath wrought a wanton deed in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house; so shalt thou put away the evil from the midst of thee.

If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die, the man that lay with the woman, and the woman; so shalt thou put away the evil from Israel.

If there be a damsel that is a virgin betrothed unto a man, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die: the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife; so thou shalt put away the evil from the midst of thee. "

Yeah traditional "Judeo-Christian monogamy" sounds really fucking evil.

RadioYKWE December 2, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Exactly, SB, My read on this is we stone to death Newt and Cain.
Justify!!1!

jodyleek December 2, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Needs more Holy Hand Grenade.

Chichikovovich December 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm

But it's still OK to wear blended fabrics, right? And we can breed mules?

PalinzADummy December 6, 2011 at 3:12 am

Neal Horseley could probably answer at least one of those questions for you.

mavenmaven December 2, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Technically, that's not a reference to monogamy, but to adultery (not that the passage is any less troubling). Polygamy is clearly happening throughout the bible.

Biff December 3, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Creeping Sharia is so much better, since it's only the woman gets stoned.

mavenmaven December 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Actually, its not in the Talmud, (or in the sharia for that matter) either…

Numbat_Dundee December 2, 2011 at 6:07 pm

There's a fair bit of polygamy alluded to in the Old Testament. I'm looking at you Abraham!

neiltheblaze December 3, 2011 at 9:21 am

He was willing to snuff out his son, though, so he's cool.

Dashboard Buddha December 4, 2011 at 5:26 pm

It's right after the part where Lot's daughters get Lot drunk and then have LOTS of sex.

OCcupied_Surf_Serf December 2, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Bachmann and Santorum, huh?

One is very familiar with frothy anal lube and the other is Rick Santorum

DaRooster December 3, 2011 at 1:39 pm

She can't help that Marcus "leaks"…

PalinzADummy December 6, 2011 at 3:13 am

Well, she could stop pegging him with that tungsten-spiked strapon of hers.

MissTaken December 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

There's a lot of corn in this Santorum.

chicken_thief December 2, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Rick pulled a fast one on Shellz – casually tossing out that he'd make her "a vital part of a Santorum administration " was pure genius. Now the caucus members will think they can get a two-fer by voting for Santorum. Despite his assertion, though, I can see negotiations breaking down when he works his new Hermanator move of pulling her head to his crotch as he says "well, you want the job – right?!"

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Wait 'til she gets a whiff of his ass.

PalinzADummy December 6, 2011 at 3:14 am

I cannot, in all honesty, envision Rick Santorum EVER permitting any woman's mouth to come in contact with his crotch. I'm sure he has sex with his eyes tightly closed, through a hole in Karen's nightie.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow
National Organization for Marriage pledge
pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy
Taxpayer Protection Pledge

Captain Black could never even have imagined this shit.

poncho_pilot December 2, 2011 at 6:23 pm

they have sing every verse of the Star Spangled Banner before signing, too.

FlownOver December 2, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Hell, even Captain Morgan couldn't imagine this!

Thurman Munster IV December 2, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Am I in heaven? Most certainly not, you're in Iowa

mourningnmerica December 3, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Costner: Am I in hell?

Bachmann: Most certainly not, you're in Iowa.

Costner: Oh, what a relief. At least I can leave.

Bachmann: I can see why you thought you were in hell.

Costner: You mean the overpowering smell of manure?

Bachmann: That's not manure, it's santorum.

Callyson December 2, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”
So, then, this sounds like an indirect endorsement of the frothy mix, on account of how he'll let Crazy Eyes have a say. Santorum can't even get a straight endorsement…so to speak…

real_dc_native December 2, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Thumbs up on "baby rancher"

LesBontemps December 5, 2011 at 9:21 am

More like a feed lot operation.

Master Janitor V572 December 2, 2011 at 4:34 pm
In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this….blah, blah, blah

I'm an Old and thus not hep to the jive of New Age communication technologies among the Youngs, but is it really possible to text a message of this great length?

Redhead December 2, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Yes and no. You can send a text message of that length. It usually shows up as multiple text messages in the other person's inbox. Some phones show you when you're running out of letters (and about to start on your second, or third, text) and some don't.

Biff December 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I just got a phone with SMS. Can't say it affects my outgoing texts, but I do have one long-winded friend that tends to go onandonandonand…

widestanceshakedown December 2, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Talk to Chuck [Grassley, that is] for real text knowledge.

fletc3her December 2, 2011 at 6:18 pm

The internet is a series of tubes. Text goes in, text goes out. Never a miscommunication.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 2, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Thank God someone is finally taking a stance against what is ruining this country: Gays serving with honor in the military.

DaRooster December 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

"BOOOO!"

LettucePrey December 2, 2011 at 4:38 pm

If you build it, Rick will cum.

(By "it," I refer to a glory hole in the Eagle Tavern men's room.)

neiltheblaze December 3, 2011 at 9:22 am

And like the good Christian he is, he believes it's better to give than to receive. Unless we're talking anal.

Come here a minute December 2, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Rev. Gordo is practically frothing over how much he loves Santorum.

yellowerdog December 2, 2011 at 4:39 pm

1. Please leave the 'Judeo' out – I have enough problems.
2. As a resident of the not-so-great state of South Caroline. home of the infamous !st in the South Primary, I get to cross over and vote in the repub election. Normally I'd just go for moar crazy, but this time…..?

finallyhappy December 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Jews in South Carolina- really? Where do you get a decent bagel or belly lox or Fox's Ubet?

Katydid December 4, 2011 at 8:03 pm

I used to live in SC; believe it or not, they like Jews there, and get all excited about converting us. They do NOT like the Catholics. It was opposite in Ga.

superdave December 5, 2011 at 10:55 am

Think you gotta go with the Newtonator. I'm thinking about changing my registration in Maryland just so I can. America needs a pompous blowhard.

GOPCrusher December 2, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Meanwhile, Governor Terry Branstad and the last good Republiklan in Iowa poliitics, Robert Ray have both come out and endorsed Mitt Romney today.
Sit back, make some popcorn, and watch the schism proceed.

gurukalehuru December 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

Good lord, is Robert Ray still alive? He was governor back when I was a young hippie protesting the war in Viet Nam. Must be about 100 by now.

Mumbletypeg December 2, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Any role Santorum plays in Miche1e's victory is bound to be good news for Marcus, in any case?

Lucidamente1 December 2, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Still no Marcus jokes on this thread? Well, it is Friday afternoon.

elviouslyqueer December 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Wait a second. This guy? OH GIRL PLEASE. His picture just screams "I'm usually the one who ends up in the sling at the Sioux City bear bar."

pbrex December 2, 2011 at 5:16 pm

He probably has craigslist ads about how he's str8 acting and no femmes but you know five minutes after some trade crosses his door those ankles are firmly wrapped behind his ears.

neiltheblaze December 3, 2011 at 9:25 am

"I don't usually do this – but for you, I'll make an exception, sailor."

DerrickWildcat December 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Rev. Cary K. Gordon is just some weird preacher man in Iowa that is the president of his big dumb church. He is also the President of some company called, Peacemakers. Peacemakers would like to arrest and torture a bunch of people that they don't like. He is not Iowa.
He's just some latent misogynist homosexual/homosexual hating drug addict serial killer trying to trick God into thinking he's a Christian.

finallyhappy December 2, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I want to think Iowa is more like the young man in the current video talking about being raised by his two moms. That way, when I have to go to the Quad Cities(again), I won't be scared.

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I don't like that motherfucker, and I don't like his followers. I've seen those cereal killers in the breakfast food aisle.

DaRooster December 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm

"NO! No, I said,'Kill the gays!' not the Special K!"

bureaucrap December 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

"there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course."

Because with unemployment still high, public services being cut, multiple unfunded wars, foreclosures and evictions rampant, increasing poverty and income inequality, clearly the ONLY way to address these problems is to criminalize gheys.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 2, 2011 at 11:29 pm

You know who else tried to solve economic hardship by criminalizing… ah, hell with it.
It's been done a dozen times already. Fascist assholes are fascist.

Redhead December 2, 2011 at 4:50 pm

“Rick and Marcus would make a great match"

fixed.

MissTaken December 2, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I should be more surprised that a Reverend is so excited by the idea of Santorum in the White House, but alas, I'm not.

DahBoner December 2, 2011 at 4:57 pm

TWICE AS MUCH CRAZY!!

But expect this to be marked down 75% after January 3rd…

widestanceshakedown December 2, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Why are they hell-bent on redefining traditional endorsement?

Joshua Norton December 2, 2011 at 5:39 pm

They may be unqualified to be president, but at least they're arrogant about it.

RadioYKWE December 2, 2011 at 5:41 pm

O/T but can we get rid of that fuckface David Brooks in the sidebar and bring back Kortney???!?!??

SudsMcKenzie December 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I hope she's OK, I imagine her alone, wandering the Internets, relying on the kindness of others. Come home Kourtney, … please, come home.

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Or at least cram a zucchini somewhere to make David Brooks look a little more interesting.

FlownOver December 2, 2011 at 7:36 pm

She's back! The cosmic balance is restored!

datateday December 2, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Rick Santorum is plain old white bread while Michele Bachmann tastes like crab-bark. It's a disgusting candidate sandwich to say the least.

Fawkdifiknow December 2, 2011 at 6:05 pm

This endorsement has all the relevance and effectiveness it would have if he was just now endorsing Mc Cain and Palin = zero.

iburl December 2, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Oh Iowa, why the fuck is it that we give a single shit about you every 4 years?

SudsMcKenzie December 2, 2011 at 6:26 pm

As always, I will withhold all judgment until Chuck Grassley ways in with a tweet.

Bluestatelibel December 2, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Why don't we just partition Iowa and any other American-Taliban state that wants to join them? Let them practice their wingnut religious crap to their little hearts' content. I'm sure within a few weeks they'd be back to stoning and witch burning. Good times for them.

Chichikovovich December 2, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Oh, yeah! I remember these loons and their "Marriage Vow". That's the one with the long preamble stating – among other gems of sagesse – that blacks were better off under slavery than they are now because then they had stable Christian marriages. A position with so many independent dimensions of stupidity it's impossible to count them all. And then (if I recall correctly) after the predictable hullabaloo, they dropped the preamble because it was "becoming a distraction" or words to that effect, but it was clear that they still believed it true.

I wonder why all the Republicans besides Crazy Eyes and the Albigensian Crusader are running away from these good Christian folks as fast as their legs can take them?

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm

The others pander to the beat of a different drum.

Goonemeritus December 2, 2011 at 6:51 pm

What crap I Goggled Rick and though he mouths the right words other orifices tell a different story. Michele seems to associate with some fairly lumberjackie types. Only Newt has stood up for the enduring nature of marriage three times by my count!

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Lumberjack, as in: "…and I'm OK?"

Biff December 3, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Think plaids and Subarus.

paris biltong December 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm

By the good Palin.

Dudleydidwrong December 2, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I guess Gordon endorsed Santorum and Bachmann because he finally figured out that his first choice, Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun, weren't married.

Dashboard Buddha December 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm

They were eventually, followed by the world's shortest honeymoon.

Chillwaver December 2, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Marcus endorsed santorum back in his freshman year of college.

BarackMyWorld December 2, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I'll say it again: Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann need to just fuck and get it over with. And Marcus can watch.

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Hell, let's ALL watch!

chascates December 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Our country faces the greatest amount of unemployed since the Great Depression, an assault on non-defense government programs unparalleled in our history, and public discourse almost like that before the Civil War. And the most important thing to almost half of the populace is who someone has sex with, can marry, or how they view their personal space deity.

Texan_Bulldog December 2, 2011 at 7:37 pm

The fact that David Brooks's picture is next to this story is a giant win!

ttommyunger December 2, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Thanks Iowans, once again I don't feel quite so bad about living in Georgia.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 2, 2011 at 11:25 pm

"“I want them both in the White House!”

Putting the mentally ill back out on the streets was always a bad idea.

flamingpdog December 3, 2011 at 1:48 am

OT, but for those missing their Kortney, grab yer Kleenex.

slowhansolo December 3, 2011 at 2:53 am

At least Santorum won't have to worry about a bimbo explosion. More's the pity.

Angry_Marmot December 3, 2011 at 4:51 am

When will Michele reciprocate, and announce her "plan to make Santorum a big part of the Bachmann administration"?

Dashboard Buddha December 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Marcus's ears just perked up…among other things.

JustPixelz December 3, 2011 at 10:11 am

"…I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense."

In the United States of America, we don't entrust the institution of marriage with the President. The President can't even officiate at a wedding, unless he or she is a minister or has some other authority.

"Traditional" marriage in the U.S. is on the decline. Fewer people are getting married for a variety of reasons. But in Wingnut World, it's because of teh gheys or Obama or the Media (aka Bravo).

Married (federal definition) couples pay a lower tax rate. And those people are a minority of the population. So a fair and simple tax reform is to use the same rate for everyone, regardless of marital status. If it's revenue neutral, that would mean married people pay more, unmarried people pay less. Your move, Repubicans.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

God damn it, this means I'm going to have to support Newt.

Why Iowa, why do you put me in this position?

Troglodeity December 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I vote for Michele over Santorum, because I think Marcus would make a fabulous First Lady.

fitley December 6, 2011 at 1:01 pm

With this combination Michele would be President, Marcus would be first lady and Santorum would be Vice President. With Michele being busy most of the time that would give Marcus and Rick a chance to spend some time together.

thepassionofthechristoph December 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

The Iowa bigots are kind of adorable.

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