two nuts beat as one

Iowa Bigots Can’t Decide Between Santorum & Bachmann, Endorse Both

Times are tough for the anti-homosexual wingnut bigots of the Iowa GOP. They can’t decide which third-tier loser to endorse in their 2012 pretend election against all gay people existing … so they’ve picked both Rick “anal cum” Santorum and pathological pillhead baby rancher Michele Bachmann. Together, they are the best president America never had!

From some email we are now deleting:

Rev. Gordon said Santorum and Bachmann’s swift July responses to the Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow – a sweeping political pledge document that addresses issues ranging from adultery and marital fidelity, homosexual unions and gay health issues, U.S. monogamy and Islamist polygamy, fatherless children and U.S. military policy – has been extremely important to his decision. Gordon noted that only Santorum, Bachmann and Texas Gov. Rick Perry have signed the document, while frontrunner Gingrich, the former U.S. House Speaker, has rejected both the Iowa vow and the National Organization for Marriage pledge against same-sex unions. The Iowa Caucuses endorsement of the Family Leader and its president, 2010 GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, a crucial ally of Gordon’s in the defeat of the justices, isstill pending.

In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course. With only a month until the Iowa Caucuses, “it is abundantly necessary that the conservative community coalesce behind only one of … two great candidates,” Santorum and Bachmann. Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

Santorum and Bachmann, Gordon says, have both pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy against open homosexuality, reversed earlier this year by President Obama. “Rick and Michele would make a great GOP match, and would defend Judeo-Christian monogamy, while I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense,” Gordon said.

Hahahah, well it is true that Newt Gingrich is going to personally destroy the Heterosexual Institution of Marriage by actually divorcing every woman alive, secretly. Anyway, fuck all these swine.

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  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Well, it's a big agricultural state, and Santorum is probably pretty good for crops.

    • Callyson

      Kills any and all troublesome pests…except for Republicans…

    • Nothingisamiss

      It has electrolytes!

      • Biff

        Uh what are elecrolytes?

        • Crowe2011

          They're what plants crave. Santorum has electrolytes.

          • Biff

            I refuse to believe that santorum is Brawndo. Brawndo has value, after all.

    • horsedreamer_1

      How lubed is your valley?

  • justkillmenow

    Be careful about the "fuck all these swine" comments when you're talking about Iowa. The pig factories there are something to behold.

    • RadioYKWE

      "fuck all these swine" is the new "Sincerely Yours."

  • SorosBot

    The organization does not support secular atheist monogamy I take it.

  • freakishlywrong

    What the fuck is in the cawn in Iowa?

    • justkillmenow

      Malachai. Oh, wait. That was Nebraska.

      • poncho_pilot

        lol. like there's much difference.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Michele is not the Bachmann I most associate with Santorum.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

    I'll bet that's not the first time a preacher has longed for the mingling of Bachmann and Santorum.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    It is ironic that bobadil wencher, Newt Gingrich is the sweetheart of the Xtian conservatives. Seems like they should be ready to implode into a black hole any minute now.

    • tihond

      They're going to plotz when they finally figure out that he's Catholic, which for some of them (I'm looking at you, Michele) is worse than wearing the magic underwear.

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        Yeah, but they know that he is only Catholic to seal the deal… Lies told to get pussy don't count, do they?

    • flamingpdog

      And Newtie wouldn't be in this position if Hermie hadn't exploded into a black hole not his wife's.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Catholic Creationist / Lutheran Beard 2012!

  • mavenmaven

    "Judeo-Christian monogamy"? In what bible did he find that?

    • SexySmurf

      It's somewhere between the part about cutting corporate tax rates and the part about banning stem cell research.

    • RadioYKWE

      It's the creeping backdoor Talmudic law.

      • SorosBot

        Let's take a look at Deuteronomy…

        "But if this thing be true, that the tokens of virginity were not found in the damsel; then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die; because she hath wrought a wanton deed in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house; so shalt thou put away the evil from the midst of thee.

        If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die, the man that lay with the woman, and the woman; so shalt thou put away the evil from Israel.

        If there be a damsel that is a virgin betrothed unto a man, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die: the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife; so thou shalt put away the evil from the midst of thee. "

        Yeah traditional "Judeo-Christian monogamy" sounds really fucking evil.

        • RadioYKWE

          Exactly, SB, My read on this is we stone to death Newt and Cain.
          Justify!!1!

        • jodyleek

          Needs more Holy Hand Grenade.

        • Chichikovovich

          But it's still OK to wear blended fabrics, right? And we can breed mules?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Neal Horseley could probably answer at least one of those questions for you.

        • mavenmaven

          Technically, that's not a reference to monogamy, but to adultery (not that the passage is any less troubling). Polygamy is clearly happening throughout the bible.

        • Biff

          Creeping Sharia is so much better, since it's only the woman gets stoned.

      • mavenmaven

        Actually, its not in the Talmud, (or in the sharia for that matter) either…

    • Numbat_Dundee

      There's a fair bit of polygamy alluded to in the Old Testament. I'm looking at you Abraham!

      • neiltheblaze

        He was willing to snuff out his son, though, so he's cool.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      It's right after the part where Lot's daughters get Lot drunk and then have LOTS of sex.

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Bachmann and Santorum, huh?

    One is very familiar with frothy anal lube and the other is Rick Santorum

    • DaRooster

      She can't help that Marcus "leaks"…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Well, she could stop pegging him with that tungsten-spiked strapon of hers.

  • MissTaken

    There's a lot of corn in this Santorum.

  • chicken_thief

    Rick pulled a fast one on Shellz – casually tossing out that he'd make her "a vital part of a Santorum administration " was pure genius. Now the caucus members will think they can get a two-fer by voting for Santorum. Despite his assertion, though, I can see negotiations breaking down when he works his new Hermanator move of pulling her head to his crotch as he says "well, you want the job – right?!"

    • Barrelhse

      Wait 'til she gets a whiff of his ass.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I cannot, in all honesty, envision Rick Santorum EVER permitting any woman's mouth to come in contact with his crotch. I'm sure he has sex with his eyes tightly closed, through a hole in Karen's nightie.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow
    National Organization for Marriage pledge
    pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy
    Taxpayer Protection Pledge

    Captain Black could never even have imagined this shit.

    • poncho_pilot

      they have sing every verse of the Star Spangled Banner before signing, too.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Hell, even Captain Morgan couldn't imagine this!

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Am I in heaven? Most certainly not, you're in Iowa

    • mourningnmerica

      Costner: Am I in hell?

      Bachmann: Most certainly not, you're in Iowa.

      Costner: Oh, what a relief. At least I can leave.

      Bachmann: I can see why you thought you were in hell.

      Costner: You mean the overpowering smell of manure?

      Bachmann: That's not manure, it's santorum.

  • Callyson

    Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”
    So, then, this sounds like an indirect endorsement of the frothy mix, on account of how he'll let Crazy Eyes have a say. Santorum can't even get a straight endorsement…so to speak…

  • real_dc_native

    Thumbs up on "baby rancher"

    • LesBontemps

      More like a feed lot operation.

  • Master Janitor V572
    In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this….blah, blah, blah

    I'm an Old and thus not hep to the jive of New Age communication technologies among the Youngs, but is it really possible to text a message of this great length?

    • Redhead

      Yes and no. You can send a text message of that length. It usually shows up as multiple text messages in the other person's inbox. Some phones show you when you're running out of letters (and about to start on your second, or third, text) and some don't.

      • Biff

        I just got a phone with SMS. Can't say it affects my outgoing texts, but I do have one long-winded friend that tends to go onandonandonand…

    • widestanceshakedown

      Talk to Chuck [Grassley, that is] for real text knowledge.

    • fletc3her

      The internet is a series of tubes. Text goes in, text goes out. Never a miscommunication.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank God someone is finally taking a stance against what is ruining this country: Gays serving with honor in the military.

    • DaRooster

      "BOOOO!"

  • LettucePrey

    If you build it, Rick will cum.

    (By "it," I refer to a glory hole in the Eagle Tavern men's room.)

    • neiltheblaze

      And like the good Christian he is, he believes it's better to give than to receive. Unless we're talking anal.

  • Come here a minute

    Rev. Gordo is practically frothing over how much he loves Santorum.

  • http://wonkette.com/ yellowerdog

    1. Please leave the 'Judeo' out – I have enough problems.
    2. As a resident of the not-so-great state of South Caroline. home of the infamous !st in the South Primary, I get to cross over and vote in the repub election. Normally I'd just go for moar crazy, but this time…..?

    • finallyhappy

      Jews in South Carolina- really? Where do you get a decent bagel or belly lox or Fox's Ubet?

      • Katydid

        I used to live in SC; believe it or not, they like Jews there, and get all excited about converting us. They do NOT like the Catholics. It was opposite in Ga.

    • superdave

      Think you gotta go with the Newtonator. I'm thinking about changing my registration in Maryland just so I can. America needs a pompous blowhard.

  • GOPCrusher

    Meanwhile, Governor Terry Branstad and the last good Republiklan in Iowa poliitics, Robert Ray have both come out and endorsed Mitt Romney today.
    Sit back, make some popcorn, and watch the schism proceed.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Good lord, is Robert Ray still alive? He was governor back when I was a young hippie protesting the war in Viet Nam. Must be about 100 by now.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Any role Santorum plays in Miche1e's victory is bound to be good news for Marcus, in any case?

  • Lucidamente1

    Still no Marcus jokes on this thread? Well, it is Friday afternoon.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait a second. This guy? OH GIRL PLEASE. His picture just screams "I'm usually the one who ends up in the sling at the Sioux City bear bar."

    • pbrex

      He probably has craigslist ads about how he's str8 acting and no femmes but you know five minutes after some trade crosses his door those ankles are firmly wrapped behind his ears.

      • neiltheblaze

        "I don't usually do this – but for you, I'll make an exception, sailor."

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Rev. Cary K. Gordon is just some weird preacher man in Iowa that is the president of his big dumb church. He is also the President of some company called, Peacemakers. Peacemakers would like to arrest and torture a bunch of people that they don't like. He is not Iowa.
    He's just some latent misogynist homosexual/homosexual hating drug addict serial killer trying to trick God into thinking he's a Christian.

    • finallyhappy

      I want to think Iowa is more like the young man in the current video talking about being raised by his two moms. That way, when I have to go to the Quad Cities(again), I won't be scared.

    • Barrelhse

      I don't like that motherfucker, and I don't like his followers. I've seen those cereal killers in the breakfast food aisle.

      • DaRooster

        "NO! No, I said,'Kill the gays!' not the Special K!"

  • bureaucrap

    "there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course."

    Because with unemployment still high, public services being cut, multiple unfunded wars, foreclosures and evictions rampant, increasing poverty and income inequality, clearly the ONLY way to address these problems is to criminalize gheys.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You know who else tried to solve economic hardship by criminalizing… ah, hell with it.
      It's been done a dozen times already. Fascist assholes are fascist.

  • Redhead

    “Rick and Marcus would make a great match"

    fixed.

  • MissTaken

    I should be more surprised that a Reverend is so excited by the idea of Santorum in the White House, but alas, I'm not.

  • DahBoner

    TWICE AS MUCH CRAZY!!

    But expect this to be marked down 75% after January 3rd…

  • widestanceshakedown

    Why are they hell-bent on redefining traditional endorsement?

  • Joshua Norton

    They may be unqualified to be president, but at least they're arrogant about it.

  • RadioYKWE

    O/T but can we get rid of that fuckface David Brooks in the sidebar and bring back Kortney???!?!??

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I hope she's OK, I imagine her alone, wandering the Internets, relying on the kindness of others. Come home Kourtney, … please, come home.

    • Barrelhse

      Or at least cram a zucchini somewhere to make David Brooks look a little more interesting.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      She's back! The cosmic balance is restored!

  • datateday

    Rick Santorum is plain old white bread while Michele Bachmann tastes like crab-bark. It's a disgusting candidate sandwich to say the least.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    This endorsement has all the relevance and effectiveness it would have if he was just now endorsing Mc Cain and Palin = zero.

  • iburl

    Oh Iowa, why the fuck is it that we give a single shit about you every 4 years?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    As always, I will withhold all judgment until Chuck Grassley ways in with a tweet.

  • Bluestatelibel

    Why don't we just partition Iowa and any other American-Taliban state that wants to join them? Let them practice their wingnut religious crap to their little hearts' content. I'm sure within a few weeks they'd be back to stoning and witch burning. Good times for them.

  • Chichikovovich

    Oh, yeah! I remember these loons and their "Marriage Vow". That's the one with the long preamble stating – among other gems of sagesse – that blacks were better off under slavery than they are now because then they had stable Christian marriages. A position with so many independent dimensions of stupidity it's impossible to count them all. And then (if I recall correctly) after the predictable hullabaloo, they dropped the preamble because it was "becoming a distraction" or words to that effect, but it was clear that they still believed it true.

    I wonder why all the Republicans besides Crazy Eyes and the Albigensian Crusader are running away from these good Christian folks as fast as their legs can take them?

    • Barrelhse

      The others pander to the beat of a different drum.

  • Goonemeritus

    What crap I Goggled Rick and though he mouths the right words other orifices tell a different story. Michele seems to associate with some fairly lumberjackie types. Only Newt has stood up for the enduring nature of marriage three times by my count!

    • Barrelhse

      Lumberjack, as in: "…and I'm OK?"

      • Biff

        Think plaids and Subarus.

      • paris biltong

        By the good Palin.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I guess Gordon endorsed Santorum and Bachmann because he finally figured out that his first choice, Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun, weren't married.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      They were eventually, followed by the world's shortest honeymoon.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Marcus endorsed santorum back in his freshman year of college.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'll say it again: Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann need to just fuck and get it over with. And Marcus can watch.

    • Barrelhse

      Hell, let's ALL watch!

  • chascates

    Our country faces the greatest amount of unemployed since the Great Depression, an assault on non-defense government programs unparalleled in our history, and public discourse almost like that before the Civil War. And the most important thing to almost half of the populace is who someone has sex with, can marry, or how they view their personal space deity.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    The fact that David Brooks's picture is next to this story is a giant win!

  • ttommyunger

    Thanks Iowans, once again I don't feel quite so bad about living in Georgia.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“I want them both in the White House!”

    Putting the mentally ill back out on the streets was always a bad idea.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but for those missing their Kortney, grab yer Kleenex.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    At least Santorum won't have to worry about a bimbo explosion. More's the pity.

  • Angry_Marmot

    When will Michele reciprocate, and announce her "plan to make Santorum a big part of the Bachmann administration"?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Marcus's ears just perked up…among other things.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "…I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense."

    In the United States of America, we don't entrust the institution of marriage with the President. The President can't even officiate at a wedding, unless he or she is a minister or has some other authority.

    "Traditional" marriage in the U.S. is on the decline. Fewer people are getting married for a variety of reasons. But in Wingnut World, it's because of teh gheys or Obama or the Media (aka Bravo).

    Married (federal definition) couples pay a lower tax rate. And those people are a minority of the population. So a fair and simple tax reform is to use the same rate for everyone, regardless of marital status. If it's revenue neutral, that would mean married people pay more, unmarried people pay less. Your move, Repubicans.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    God damn it, this means I'm going to have to support Newt.

    Why Iowa, why do you put me in this position?

  • Troglodeity

    I vote for Michele over Santorum, because I think Marcus would make a fabulous First Lady.

  • fitley

    With this combination Michele would be President, Marcus would be first lady and Santorum would be Vice President. With Michele being busy most of the time that would give Marcus and Rick a chance to spend some time together.

  • thepassionofthechristoph

    The Iowa bigots are kind of adorable.