two nuts beat as one

Iowa Bigots Can’t Decide Between Santorum & Bachmann, Endorse Both

Times are tough for the anti-homosexual wingnut bigots of the Iowa GOP. They can’t decide which third-tier loser to endorse in their 2012 pretend election against all gay people existing … so they’ve picked both Rick “anal cum” Santorum and pathological pillhead baby rancher Michele Bachmann. Together, they are the best president America never had!

From some email we are now deleting:

Rev. Gordon said Santorum and Bachmann’s swift July responses to the Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow – a sweeping political pledge document that addresses issues ranging from adultery and marital fidelity, homosexual unions and gay health issues, U.S. monogamy and Islamist polygamy, fatherless children and U.S. military policy – has been extremely important to his decision. Gordon noted that only Santorum, Bachmann and Texas Gov. Rick Perry have signed the document, while frontrunner Gingrich, the former U.S. House Speaker, has rejected both the Iowa vow and the National Organization for Marriage pledge against same-sex unions. The Iowa Caucuses endorsement of the Family Leader and its president, 2010 GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, a crucial ally of Gordon’s in the defeat of the justices, isstill pending.

In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course. With only a month until the Iowa Caucuses, “it is abundantly necessary that the conservative community coalesce behind only one of … two great candidates,” Santorum and Bachmann. Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

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Santorum and Bachmann, Gordon says, have both pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy against open homosexuality, reversed earlier this year by President Obama. “Rick and Michele would make a great GOP match, and would defend Judeo-Christian monogamy, while I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense,” Gordon said.

Hahahah, well it is true that Newt Gingrich is going to personally destroy the Heterosexual Institution of Marriage by actually divorcing every woman alive, secretly. Anyway, fuck all these swine.

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114 comments

  1. justkillmenow

    Be careful about the "fuck all these swine" comments when you're talking about Iowa. The pig factories there are something to behold.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”

    I'll bet that's not the first time a preacher has longed for the mingling of Bachmann and Santorum.

  3. Maman

    It is ironic that bobadil wencher, Newt Gingrich is the sweetheart of the Xtian conservatives. Seems like they should be ready to implode into a black hole any minute now.

    1. tihond

      They're going to plotz when they finally figure out that he's Catholic, which for some of them (I'm looking at you, Michele) is worse than wearing the magic underwear.

    2. flamingpdog

      And Newtie wouldn't be in this position if Hermie hadn't exploded into a black hole not his wife's.

    1. SexySmurf

      It's somewhere between the part about cutting corporate tax rates and the part about banning stem cell research.

      1. SorosBot

        Let's take a look at Deuteronomy…

        "But if this thing be true, that the tokens of virginity were not found in the damsel; then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die; because she hath wrought a wanton deed in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house; so shalt thou put away the evil from the midst of thee.

        If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die, the man that lay with the woman, and the woman; so shalt thou put away the evil from Israel.

        If there be a damsel that is a virgin betrothed unto a man, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die: the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife; so thou shalt put away the evil from the midst of thee. "

        Yeah traditional "Judeo-Christian monogamy" sounds really fucking evil.

        1. mavenmaven

          Technically, that's not a reference to monogamy, but to adultery (not that the passage is any less troubling). Polygamy is clearly happening throughout the bible.

  4. OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Bachmann and Santorum, huh?

    One is very familiar with frothy anal lube and the other is Rick Santorum

  5. chicken_thief

    Rick pulled a fast one on Shellz – casually tossing out that he'd make her "a vital part of a Santorum administration " was pure genius. Now the caucus members will think they can get a two-fer by voting for Santorum. Despite his assertion, though, I can see negotiations breaking down when he works his new Hermanator move of pulling her head to his crotch as he says "well, you want the job – right?!"

    1. PalinzADummy

      I cannot, in all honesty, envision Rick Santorum EVER permitting any woman's mouth to come in contact with his crotch. I'm sure he has sex with his eyes tightly closed, through a hole in Karen's nightie.

  6. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Iowa Family Leader’s Marriage Vow
    National Organization for Marriage pledge
    pledged to reinstate the military’s longstanding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy
    Taxpayer Protection Pledge

    Captain Black could never even have imagined this shit.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Costner: Am I in hell?

      Bachmann: Most certainly not, you're in Iowa.

      Costner: Oh, what a relief. At least I can leave.

      Bachmann: I can see why you thought you were in hell.

      Costner: You mean the overpowering smell of manure?

      Bachmann: That's not manure, it's santorum.

  7. Callyson

    Santorum’s recent declaration of his aim to make Bachmann a vital part of a Santorum administration made Gordon’s decision much easier, he said. “I want them both in the White House!”
    So, then, this sounds like an indirect endorsement of the frothy mix, on account of how he'll let Crazy Eyes have a say. Santorum can't even get a straight endorsement…so to speak…

  8. Master Janitor V572
    In his text-messaged endorsement … Gordon said, “I have thoroughly vetted every candidate that is currently running for president, and I have come to a conclusion that there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this….blah, blah, blah

    I'm an Old and thus not hep to the jive of New Age communication technologies among the Youngs, but is it really possible to text a message of this great length?

    1. Redhead

      Yes and no. You can send a text message of that length. It usually shows up as multiple text messages in the other person's inbox. Some phones show you when you're running out of letters (and about to start on your second, or third, text) and some don't.

      1. Biff

        I just got a phone with SMS. Can't say it affects my outgoing texts, but I do have one long-winded friend that tends to go onandonandonand…

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank God someone is finally taking a stance against what is ruining this country: Gays serving with honor in the military.

  10. LettucePrey

    If you build it, Rick will cum.

    (By "it," I refer to a glory hole in the Eagle Tavern men's room.)

    1. neiltheblaze

      And like the good Christian he is, he believes it's better to give than to receive. Unless we're talking anal.

  11. yellowerdog

    1. Please leave the 'Judeo' out – I have enough problems.
    2. As a resident of the not-so-great state of South Caroline. home of the infamous !st in the South Primary, I get to cross over and vote in the repub election. Normally I'd just go for moar crazy, but this time…..?

      1. Katydid

        I used to live in SC; believe it or not, they like Jews there, and get all excited about converting us. They do NOT like the Catholics. It was opposite in Ga.

    1. superdave

      Think you gotta go with the Newtonator. I'm thinking about changing my registration in Maryland just so I can. America needs a pompous blowhard.

  12. GOPCrusher

    Meanwhile, Governor Terry Branstad and the last good Republiklan in Iowa poliitics, Robert Ray have both come out and endorsed Mitt Romney today.
    Sit back, make some popcorn, and watch the schism proceed.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Wait a second. This guy? OH GIRL PLEASE. His picture just screams "I'm usually the one who ends up in the sling at the Sioux City bear bar."

    1. pbrex

      He probably has craigslist ads about how he's str8 acting and no femmes but you know five minutes after some trade crosses his door those ankles are firmly wrapped behind his ears.

  14. DerrickWildcat

    Rev. Cary K. Gordon is just some weird preacher man in Iowa that is the president of his big dumb church. He is also the President of some company called, Peacemakers. Peacemakers would like to arrest and torture a bunch of people that they don't like. He is not Iowa.
    He's just some latent misogynist homosexual/homosexual hating drug addict serial killer trying to trick God into thinking he's a Christian.

    1. finallyhappy

      I want to think Iowa is more like the young man in the current video talking about being raised by his two moms. That way, when I have to go to the Quad Cities(again), I won't be scared.

    2. Barrelhse

      I don't like that motherfucker, and I don't like his followers. I've seen those cereal killers in the breakfast food aisle.

  15. bureaucrap

    "there are only two people currently in this race that have faithfully championed the legitimate solutions necessary to get this country back on course."

    Because with unemployment still high, public services being cut, multiple unfunded wars, foreclosures and evictions rampant, increasing poverty and income inequality, clearly the ONLY way to address these problems is to criminalize gheys.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You know who else tried to solve economic hardship by criminalizing… ah, hell with it.
      It's been done a dozen times already. Fascist assholes are fascist.

  16. MissTaken

    I should be more surprised that a Reverend is so excited by the idea of Santorum in the White House, but alas, I'm not.

  17. RadioYKWE

    O/T but can we get rid of that fuckface David Brooks in the sidebar and bring back Kortney???!?!??

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      I hope she's OK, I imagine her alone, wandering the Internets, relying on the kindness of others. Come home Kourtney, … please, come home.

  18. datateday

    Rick Santorum is plain old white bread while Michele Bachmann tastes like crab-bark. It's a disgusting candidate sandwich to say the least.

  19. Fawkdifiknow

    This endorsement has all the relevance and effectiveness it would have if he was just now endorsing Mc Cain and Palin = zero.

  20. Bluestatelibel

    Why don't we just partition Iowa and any other American-Taliban state that wants to join them? Let them practice their wingnut religious crap to their little hearts' content. I'm sure within a few weeks they'd be back to stoning and witch burning. Good times for them.

  21. Chichikovovich

    Oh, yeah! I remember these loons and their "Marriage Vow". That's the one with the long preamble stating – among other gems of sagesse – that blacks were better off under slavery than they are now because then they had stable Christian marriages. A position with so many independent dimensions of stupidity it's impossible to count them all. And then (if I recall correctly) after the predictable hullabaloo, they dropped the preamble because it was "becoming a distraction" or words to that effect, but it was clear that they still believed it true.

    I wonder why all the Republicans besides Crazy Eyes and the Albigensian Crusader are running away from these good Christian folks as fast as their legs can take them?

  22. Goonemeritus

    What crap I Goggled Rick and though he mouths the right words other orifices tell a different story. Michele seems to associate with some fairly lumberjackie types. Only Newt has stood up for the enduring nature of marriage three times by my count!

  23. Dudleydidwrong

    I guess Gordon endorsed Santorum and Bachmann because he finally figured out that his first choice, Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun, weren't married.

  24. BarackMyWorld

    I'll say it again: Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann need to just fuck and get it over with. And Marcus can watch.

  25. chascates

    Our country faces the greatest amount of unemployed since the Great Depression, an assault on non-defense government programs unparalleled in our history, and public discourse almost like that before the Civil War. And the most important thing to almost half of the populace is who someone has sex with, can marry, or how they view their personal space deity.

  26. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“I want them both in the White House!”

    Putting the mentally ill back out on the streets was always a bad idea.

  27. Angry_Marmot

    When will Michele reciprocate, and announce her "plan to make Santorum a big part of the Bachmann administration"?

  28. JustPixelz

    "…I think it’s increasingly clear Gingrich simply cannot be trusted with the institution of marriage in any sense."

    In the United States of America, we don't entrust the institution of marriage with the President. The President can't even officiate at a wedding, unless he or she is a minister or has some other authority.

    "Traditional" marriage in the U.S. is on the decline. Fewer people are getting married for a variety of reasons. But in Wingnut World, it's because of teh gheys or Obama or the Media (aka Bravo).

    Married (federal definition) couples pay a lower tax rate. And those people are a minority of the population. So a fair and simple tax reform is to use the same rate for everyone, regardless of marital status. If it's revenue neutral, that would mean married people pay more, unmarried people pay less. Your move, Repubicans.

  29. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    God damn it, this means I'm going to have to support Newt.

    Why Iowa, why do you put me in this position?

  30. fitley

    With this combination Michele would be President, Marcus would be first lady and Santorum would be Vice President. With Michele being busy most of the time that would give Marcus and Rick a chance to spend some time together.

Comments are closed.