vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

It's time to put on makeup, it's time to light the lights ....Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals).

The NYT reports on this latest slip down the GOP’s evolutionary ladder:

Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax, the conservative magazine and news Web site, to moderate a presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27.

“Our readers and the grass roots really love Trump,” said Christopher Ruddy, chief executive of Newsmax Media. “They may not agree with him on everything, but they don’t see him as owned by the Washington establishment, the media establishment.”

Mr. Trump’s role in the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television, is sure to be one of the more memorable moments in a primary season that has already delivered its fair share of circus-like spectacle.

Oh come on, liberal New York Times! You are insulting circus-like spectacles and the reputation of professional clowns and freaks.

So, on December 27 when lonely old GOP primary voters are starting to realize their kids really aren’t coming for Christmas this year, Donald Trump and the senior-citizen webzine Newsmax will finally provide some top-notch holiday entertainment. We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit. [NYT]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Barb

    Oh Jesus, that's like allowing Mrs Buttersworth to moderate the fucking Pancake channel.
    "Newt, we hear that you have some very, very, very good ideas for the economy, most of which I own……"

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I assumed it would be "Newt, we hear you have some very, very, very good ideas for dumping your wife, most of which I follow…."

    2. starfanglednut

      This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.

      1. SorosBot

        That's not true!

        There was no such thing as a brontosaurus; the fossil given that name was just an apatosaurus with the wrong head.

        1. RadioYKWE

          My Ditherhead brother once said that we were winning in Iraq because there were like ten new Catholic churches opened in Baghdad.
          That's not opinion, that's fact!

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm going to watch this one. You know about 5 minutes into it, The Donald is going to remember he much prefers to listen to the sound of his own voice and spend the rest of the show shouting down those other clowns. He may even fire a few of them.

    4. Grief_Lessons

      Late at night I fapp to the Pancake Channel, crying my tiny sick tears, leaving a few small drops of maple syrup on the couch.

  2. memzilla

    Combining one of America's least watched teevee channels, with one of America's wingtardiest websites, with the most hilariously-coiffed poster boy of the .001%?

    I do not think "ratings win" means what you think it means.

    1. chascates

      It will be like the Doge of Venice selecting which lunatic town-crier gets to be Pope and held during Mardi Gras.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They're only a step away from late-night paid programming on one of those cable channels way up over 300. Which is where they should have started in the first place.

  3. tihond

    This is really only worth it if Donald Trump ends the debate by declaring himself the Republican nominee.

      1. finallyhappy

        I was at a religious "event" recently – and Brooks was there. unfortunately, he did not attend the lunch afterwards. I do not think there were any large vegetables but there was salad

    1. Major Thom

      Yes, when they talk about letting the guy in the gutter die b/c his socialist health insurance is gone.

  4. Generation[redacted]

    "[The debate] will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television…"

    Remember in 2008 when SNL had Palin and McCain on the home shopping network? How prescient was that??!

  5. Joshua Norton

    His first question – How much do you like my hair and why?

    Who will emerge as the latest "We hate you less than Mitch Romney" candidate of the week? The world awaits with bated breath.

  6. SudsMcKenzie

    "Newt, can you give us your feelings about your third wife? Mine, shes terrific, really, really classy, tremendous."

  7. chascates

    This will be awesome! Good looking girls parading around the stage in fancy costumes, probably a steam calliope with a fife and drum band, maybe even the Rockettes.

    The Donald knows how to wow a crowd.

  8. Preferred Customer

    This should seamlessly blur the candidates' transition from "presidential hopeful" to "celebrity game show participant."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      This should seamlessly blur complete the candidates' transition from "presidential hopeful" to "celebrity game show participant."


  9. fartknocker

    $100 says he's going to bring up the President's birth certificate.

    The debate is on the Ion Network. Shit, when are the going to debate on QVC and Animal Planet.

    1. UnholyMoses

      Please don't bash Animal Planet that much — they have some good shows.

      Granted, those shows are re-runs from other channels that have good shows, but still

  10. Poindexter718

    It will begin with a presentation of birth certificates and end with Trump firing one candidate.
    It will, in other words, be riveting television.

  11. SexySmurf

    I'm going to tune in just to see how Rick Santorum reacts to Gary Busey stealing his glitter glue.

  12. Flat_Earther

    Will he use the air time to release the findings that his investigation has uncovered about Obama’s birth? I have been anxiously awaiting that blockbuster news.

    1. weejee

      Probably should be on Anion TeeVee, since all these campaigning kleptocrats have collected far more Ameros, and electrons, than the law should allow, and singularly or collectively they are so acidic.

    2. Chichikovovich

      No, I think it's the one that shows the Aurora Borealis 24/7 when it's not showing negatively charged Republican candidates in an excited state.

    3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      It's next to Qubo, if you must know. The home of The Magic School Bus, Rescue Rangers, and the closeted homer-sexuals of the Zula Patrol!

      1. HistoriCat

        Oooh – and the Book of Virtues! Nothing like having Bill Bennett moralize. I wonder if they get into frittering your money away on gambling?

  13. SmutBoffin

    Newsmax?! What kind of questions will they ask the candidates?
    "What is your preferred brand of fallout shelter rations?"
    "How does the testament of Jesus Christ influence your selection of concealed firearms?"

      1. Master Janitor V572

        Pretty sure the Newsmax folks consider Reagan a sell-out. Dealing with Tip! Arms for hostages!

  14. coolhandnuke

    Here's how Obama can assure a landslide victory come November. Invite Donald Trump to the White House under the ruse to discuss economics or hair gels. Take him to a secluded spot–the Rose Garden works–then just pummel Trump with both Obama fists, knees, elbows, an Obama headbutt or two. This ass whupping will be filmed and sent live to every station and channel.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Well, as long as we are engaging in fantasy. I would like to see our beloved FLOTUS, in some fierce leopard print outfit, slap the living shit out of Newt. I want to see him on the ground, his face covered in tears and blood-streaked snot crying like the pussy bitch he truly is.

  15. weejee

    We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit.

    Ken do you know yet where you will be renditioned? Gitmo, Lybia, Ubeckibeckstanstan, or did Hillz score you a cell in Burmashave Myanmar?

  16. James Michael Curley

    Somebody give me a location where Ion Television does not exist. I need a destination for my Christmas vacation.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Alas, brave one — I will be returning to the workplace from the meager 'long weekend staycation' the day after this airs. My liver shudders to think.

    2. natoslug

      I don't get Ion up here in the redwoods, but that may be due to my not having cable or an antenna. I'll have to re-enact the debate by getting as drunk and high as possible and arguing with the feces I plan on smearing on the walls. Those turds always have the worst rebuttals.

  17. SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr. Romney, you've been accused of flip flopping more than my hair on a breezy day, how do you respond"?

    1. mourningnmerica

      This reminds me that it would behoove Mitt to use Seger's "Like A Rock" as his campaign song. And not ironically. People are stupid. It might affect them, like subliminally.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Please! Don't help him.

        Mitt is less "like a rock" and more like the Diamoniques they sell on QVC. Manufactured to appear like a genuine article and sparkles with different color depending on which light it's under.

    2. OhNoGuy

      I don't think it will be all that formal. He'll call Romney, Mitt and so on. Too bad we will not hear Donald say "You, the colored guy, what do you think?"

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    Oh boy, I believe the first person to utter a racial slur, threatens to shoot somebody or says they'll start a war with some poor unsuspecting brown-filled country wins this one hands down!

  19. teebob2000

    The "something" that happened to eliminate him as a viable candidate is that Obama figuratively cut off his balls then stuffed them in his mouth at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

    Exhibit A: please refer to the 9:30 mark

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Compared to the rest of the GOP field minus the Invisible Huntsman, the short fingered vulgarian is almost sane.

    Still, I think the world, humanity and even US America would be done a big favor if someone just rounded up all the Trumps, GOPers and Newsmax readers into a rocket and fired it into the sun.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Actually, so long as we loft them (and tons of rocket fuel) to any altitude, it's likely to end well. The Russians have that part down pretty well.

  21. SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr Hunstman, tell us how your experience as Ambassador to China will help you negotiate with China? Myself, I buy their drywall and flatscreens, I tell them this is America and I'm "The Donald" and the "games" are over."

    1. GOPCrusher

      It would hilarious to see Jon Huntsman explain to The Donald why his plan to force China to pay taxes to the United States makes him the Stupidest Shit On The Planet.

  22. Ancient_Hacker

    Dang, now that doot doot do doot da do doot doot duh doot circus music refrain is going through my head and won't go away. Gee thanks, Wonkette, for that mental picture.

  23. prommie

    This is it, now, come on, this is just too fucking much. The short-fingered vulgarian hair-monster is going to turn the GOP primary into a Trump-branded Craptacular reality TV show, and the GOP clowns are going to allow it, hell, they are thrilled at the opportunity to perform beneath Trump's Big Top. No, no, no, no, this is not happening, this cannot be happening. Somebody must have put something in my drink. I am moving to the Languedoc, to the wilds of deepest, darkest France, if this is real. Look for me on my barge on the Canal du Midi.

    1. DahBoner

      By this logic, most decent Americans should have left during Japanese interment camps.

      France wasn't an option back then…

    1. DahBoner

      Repetition creates desire. Oldest marketing trick, because it actually works.

      See HP baby e-printer commercial…

  24. mourningnmerica

    I'm going to skip that one and wait for the December 29th debate, which is being sponsored by NAMBLA, and moderated by Joe Paterno.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    The NewsMax questions should be precious: How many of you would favor impeaching President Obama for using a false Social Security number on his forged birth certificate? What will you do to reverse the influence of pro-Sharia organizations such as FOX News, the NRA and Butterball Turkeys? Should scientists be classified as cultists and shipped to the secret alien landing pad under Mt. Rushmore? And what are we going to do about the fluoride?!

  26. SudsMcKenzie

    "Mrs Bachman, you have said you want to close the Embassy in Iran, why dont we just turn it into the most luxurious Embassy\Casino in the entire middle east?"

    1. Walkinwiddaking

      " We let it go public and then declare bankruptcy." The Donald has a knack for generating wealth…. for himself.

  27. SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr Paul, you love gold, I really really love gold, on everything and anything, … no question really, we just both love gold".

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Newsmax? Really?

    And when are the John Birch Society and the Michigan Militia debates being held?

  29. freakishlywrong

    Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. I mean, really, what else can these rat fuckers do to embarrass this country?

  30. DaRooster

    I can't wait for Trump to start yelling at Ron Paul about his eyebrows… then Paul can point out that Trump should never criticize anything about anyone's hair.

  31. Antispandex

    Donald is the feel good example that the Teapublican's just love. I guy who fought and clawed his way to the top by hard work and his own resources. Just like the average American….who's dad is rich..and who never had to do a real days work in his whole life! Yep, just like you and me!

  32. PhilippePetain

    To be fair, Kermit's "Rainbow Connection" scandal all those years ago has probably excluded him from consideration in today's GOP.

        1. PhilippePetain

          Sam the Eagle would have been too busy finking out those suspiciously semitic Libunatics, Statler and Waldorf.

    1. flamingpdog

      But Miss Piggy has stood by her man all these years since.

      Q: What's green and smells like pork?
      A: Kermit the Frog's middle finger.

  33. DerrickWildcat

    ION is a good channel that shows, "The Ghost Whisperer" all the time. It's a show about a girl that is a stripper (she might just dress like a stripper. This I am not totally clear on) that can see dead people and then she convinces them that they should just be happy being dead and then they go away.

    1. mereoblivion

      Is that the one with the once-thought-to-be-hot brunette whose head is shaped like a giant Tylenol?

    2. Come here a minute

      That must be the theme of the channel, because the Trump debate will convince anyone that they would be happy being dead.

    3. Negropolis

      You could totally right humorous television reviews. That's the best one I've seen on the Ghost Whisperer. lol

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given Trump's and Newsmax's involvement, I assume that all of the questions will revolve around birth certificates and Kenyan quislings?

  35. DaRooster

    “Our readers and the grass roots really love Trump,” said Christopher Ruddy, "Well they're not readers per se… more like… well… special."

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      Ooo, really? Ive got one;

      Mudslinging with Meghan. A "Crossfire" clone in which Megs discusses how hard it is to be a "more smarter" young Republican while mud wrestling the guest(s).

  36. swordfis

    You call this pathetic bullshit? You must be kidding – this is the greatest emetic ever devised by Western medicine.

  37. Master Janitor V572

    The mere fact that Cox Cable carries ION in their basic cable channel indicates how desperate the GOPers are.

  38. boobookitteh

    While I'm sad that this will apparently pre-empt the seemingly endless Criminal Minds marathon on Ion, I am kind of excited for this because it will be the ultimate Crazy Clusterfuck.

    But then I'm sad again because The Daily Show will be on hiatus. And then I'm even sadder because this is real life.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "And then I'm even sadder because this is real life."

      I have yet to be convinced. In my reality, I am merely taking a shower while Pam Ewing is sleeping.

  39. freakishlywrong

    “Lol. We look forward to watching Mitt and Newt suck-up to The Donald with a big bowl of popcorn.”

    Jon Huntsman's response.

  40. HarryButtle

    Ion's the network that plays "Criminal Minds" 24/7, isn't it? Can't think of a more appropriate venue for this…

    1. boobookitteh

      I have been desperately trying to start a twitter game called GOPDebate or Criminal Minds? But no one seems to want to play. Or maybe they just really can't tell the difference between a parade of sociopaths and sexual deviants and the characters on the show.

      1. HarryButtle

        Ion's airwaves will be full of pedophiles, murderers, and psychopaths…after which we can watch Joe Montegna solve crimes!

  41. SudsMcKenzie

    " Mr Cain, were both businessman, me I'm a very very successful billionaire, you, … hey, where did Herman go?, why isn't he here? he's so Omorosa."

  42. bureaucrap

    Can it really even be considered a debate if the only question is "don't you agree?" and the moderator doesn't wait to hear the answer?

  43. MissTaken

    This is exactly what the GOP Debate O' Week has been missing: gold, hair, and insanely inflated egos.

  44. paris biltong

    Anything you can think of that says more emphatically "grandeur and decadence of the American empire"?

  45. Terry

    "And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.”"

    He crowed himself King of the Birthers, then Obama released his long form birth certificate and it was all downhill for Trump from there.

    Wouldn't it be nice, though, if Trump decided to use a phrase like "You're fired" to any candidate who talked too long or who disagreed with Trump's own views?

  46. Chichikovovich

    OK, so I've never heard of this Ion channel, so "Google away". And on their welcome page they have an enormous ad for all the UFC ultimate fighting matches they are broadcasting.

    I'm seeing some major crossover potential here.

  47. Generation[redacted]

    It's going to be fun watching all the candidates try to sell the most hot dogs on Times Square.

    1. Tommmcattt

      OMG, you are brilliant. I would actually watch "The Apprentice" if it were a competition between these idiots. Plus: "Newt Gingrich- You're Fired!"


  48. Dumbedup

    Reality just beats snark every day now, surely a sign that this whole thing is wrapping up. probably time to start over anyway.

  49. BlueStateLibel

    Between this and "Women for Cain" how is possible to make fun anymore of the GOP when they're writing the jokes themselves now?

    1. GOPCrusher

      That's the best part. They don't realize it. It's kind of like when the Tea Party first started up and they called themselves Tea Baggers. Only once they noticed that people were openly mocking them did they discover what the term meant.
      Then they tried to blame it on the liberals as another attempt to discredit the movement.

  50. Jukesgrrl

    Sorry to go all serious on you, but when is the Democratic Party going to demand its 2,750 hours of free TV time, across the full spectrum of channels, to deliver its rainbow coalition of opinions? No one could seriously claim these are debates. They are a range of conservative opinions — from dull to wingnuttiest — on how the country should be run if and when the Kenyan usurper is dislodged from the WHITE House he has no business being in.

    This non-stop Obama-bashing is being broadcast to the idiot electorate week after week at little or no cost to the GOP — AND these stations can report to the FCC they did "public affairs programming." I know the Democrats already have their candidate, but the Republicans will have theirs, too, as soon as Rupe, Rog, and Rove come to an agreement with the Kochs. These "debates" are yet another way the Corporation Called America® can be the only voice heard by people who are too fat and lazy to get up and turn the channel after Repo Mayhem is over or their two-year-old accidentally tunes in CNN with the remote he's not supposed to touch.

    Sorry … I'll get off my soapbox now … resume drinking, Wonkeratti. I know it's Friday and football is about to start.

    1. Negropolis

      This non-stop Obama-bashing is being broadcast to the idiot electorate week after week at little or no cost to the GOP…

      And, yet, it's having almost zero effect on the numbers. The president shouldn't even be in the running with the unemployment rate it is and the constant beating about the head he's been getting from the media over it…and yet, he remains.

      You used the right word for unelecting him. "Dislodge". That's what they are going to have to do to get him out of there, 'cause he ain't leaving without a fight.

      1. finallyhappy

        The midseason finale already happened(not very finale if you ask me) but Hershel's barn has better candidates.

  51. Callyson

    the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television
    Um, has anyone even *heard* of this network?

    1. Callyson

      Found it! Channel 30 for those of you stuck with Time Warner Cable in Los Angeles. Freak show is on!

    2. SorosBot

      And it's actually a broadcast network you can get with an antenna (I had to look it up, but it's channel 61 my area). Good reporting, NY Times!

    3. finallyhappy

      Fios has it here in the metro Dc area- I do get it but I also get 6 shopping channels that I don't watch .

  52. mrblifil

    Nobody in their right mind would set time out of their day to get comfy in their living room and watch this shit show. This has to be a double-psyche where the whole point of the exercise is to scare people away from watching.

  53. LiveToServeYa

    So … how can these things get more ludicrous? Jello wrestling would only lift them out of the depths.

  54. NorbertsRevenge

    I'm imaging the candidates each in a sort of phone booth filled to neck level with maggots and they have to eat their way to the bottom where there's a briefcase filled with 10 million TrumpBucks, with a picture of Donald's ugly grill on each one.

  55. widestanceshakedown

    Since I can't stomach another one of these gaffe generators, I'll be inserting multiple toothpicks into my eyes for relief.

  56. Tundra Grifter

    Remember when Lewis Black showed several photos and asked people to pick which interiors were Donald Trump hotels and which were Saddam Insane's palaces?

  57. voodooeconomics

    God help them if they interfere with a bowl game.
    Best thing that could happen would be for Beck to also get involved. Then this Messican/ Republican Soap Opera could pull some ratings.

  58. datateday

    The biggest thing Donald Trump could ever do is reveal his hair to be an ambiguous dyed blonde critter plucked straight out of the dark forest of enmity and disdain…

  59. littlebigdaddy

    If Newsmax can sponsor a debate, why not Wonkette? Of course, we would have some unusual groundrules, such as dunking candidates in vats of water every time they say something clinically insane.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      And the best part, instead of bitching about live blogging the next in the bottomless pit that are Repubtard debates, Ken can be moderator. The Onion would probably love to go in with us on it. Seriously, how hard must the writers at The Onion be pressed, trying to write stories more absurd than reality?

      We and the few other sane people still living in this country are spectators trapped in the Freak Show of an infinite sideshow. Stop the World, I want to get off.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        I'd pay good money to see Ken moderate one of these things.

        It'd have to be in CA so he can smoke an enormous (medical) bifter and drink whiskey whilst excoriating these pigeon-chested fools for not even remotely addressing the question.

  60. Dashboard Buddha

    but they don’t see him as owned by the Washington establishment, the media establishment

    Are you fucking high? The reality show host…this attention whore by which all other attention whores are judged is not, what…fuck.

  61. Biff

    We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit.

    Jesus, Layne–you've forgotten whose side the censors will be are on.

  62. MilwaukeeKent

    Trump's fortune was not ill-gotten, he slid out of the womb into it like any other man. President Trump (but really, casino? Bankrupt? Run my country!). Has the Weekly World News sponsored a debate yet, maybe with Coast To Coast? Moderated by George Nouri if Ed Anger isn't available.

  63. sbj1964

    Trump is a Ass monkey ! Conan O'brian does his hair,and He did not mention God in his thanksgiving how too foreclose on homeowners speech?

  64. DustBowlBlues

    Buck up, Ken. I have a feeling that this one's going to be such a kooky mashup of talking points and ultra right-wing conspiracy (aka urban myths) theories that even the discerning intellectuals who are proud to be called the wonkeratti can't demand the editor makes his or her responses in full sentences. "Shit" "Fuck "Jesus" "Kill me now. No, kill that nutcase" etc. will be as much as anyone will be able to say.

    Oops. Prophets of Science Fiction is on the teevee, and I need to get a Sunday School lesson ready.

  65. cletar

    America's Teensiest Cable Channel and a rightwing nutball website expect candidates to go to Des Moines right after Christmas to get berated by Donald Trump? That's crazy. Won't the candidates all want to spend the holidays with their wives and mistresses?

  66. Negropolis

    Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax

    Honestly, that's the end of the thread. Nothing else needed to be said.

    Mr. Trump’s role in the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television, is sure to be one of the more memorable moments in a primary season that has already delivered its fair share of circus-like spectacle.

    The NYT wiggled it's way partially back into my heart with that one. It's nice to see people call it like it is. It's terrible that it happens so infrequently.

  67. Buckminster

    Boy, this should beat the hell out of that MTV stooge's Rockin' New Year's Eve special in the ratings. Not.

  68. Barb

    Newt is now claiming that people are able to take their food stamps and go on a trip to Hawaii with them. Like Michele's claim that Gardacil causes mental retardation, I would like to know a SOLID example of this happening. You can't just throw this crap out there and have it sound credible.

    "You don't get food stamps. You get a credit card and the credit card can be used for anything." Oh yeah? Once Tiffany's starts taking food stamp debit cards, I will believe that it is a "credit card."

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Politifact rated that bullshit as Pants On Fire, unsurprisingly.

      Can food stamps "be used for anything"?

      No. The food stamp program — which, we should point out, has officially been known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, or SNAP, since October 2008 — has very precise rules about what can and cannot be paid for.

      1. Barb

        I have friends who will swear that they witness food stamp recipients buying porterhouse steaks and Alaskan King crab legs and then loading them into their Cadillac car.

        Newt seems to be hostile toward poor people, even suggesting that kids should be put to work.

        I was 1 of 9 children, the 3 youngest were girls. At age 12, I babysat 5 kids, did all of the housework and laundry for a DOLLAR an hour. I was paid by a post-dated check and didn't even have a freaking bank account to cash those checks with. At age 15, I got working papers and worked as a waitress five nights a week for 4 hours. The meal I got at work was the only time I was able to afford to eat all day and it was french fries (I DETEST french fries) and whatever could be grilled quickly. My tips got left on the counter at home every night for my sisters to be able to buy lunch at school and whatever endless school expense that came up. Then I went home and I would help my mom go to her job cleaning offices for most of the night.

        My mom received food stamps and I remember that she couldn't buy pet food with them and I couldn't get the kitten/puppy that I really wanted. I shared Totino's-like shittified frozen pizzas with mystery meat with my sisters and I don't remember ever going to Hawaii. My "big thing" in life was getting that $2.65, per hour minimum wage check at age 15, and going to the Kroger store and getting Sprite soda, a magazine, Doritos and some tampons.

        I expect that Newt's next lie is going to be that kids who receive free lunches at school can use their benefits to buy Omaha Steaks and have them delivered.

        Making kids work adult jobs just makes them exhausted, poor students who, occasionally, have Doritos and tampons that I had to share with my two sisters.

        1. JustPixelz

          WWJD? Someone should tell Newt what it actually says in the Bible:

          James 2:8 Yes indeed, it is good when you truly obey our Lord's command, "You must love and help your neighbors just as much as you love and take care of yourself."

        2. JustPixelz

          Repubicans like to extol the family as the cornerstone of society. To them, that's just code meaning single mothers and non-heterosexuals are not part of society, barbarians, if you will.

          But your story illustrates how families are that cornerstone. Because families have to face every problem society throws at them. They adapt and evolve. Some fail, but stronger families emerge. Families with same-sex parters who adopt otherwise unwanted children, older adults raising their grandchildren because their own children are unemployed, sisters working minimum wage so her siblings can have lunch money.

          What angers me is the pride people like Newt take in pushing down those who exemplify those very American qualities of generosity, lending a hand, sharing. God, that pisses me off. Thank you for being their opposite Barb.

          1. Barb

            Aww, thanks JustPixels!
            Jeff and I move in together during the month of May. For Mother's Day, he donated $500.00 to the Roadrunner Food Bank in my mother's name. My sister, Nancy told me that he should have gotten a gift for me instead. What a bitch!

          2. flamingpdog

            Awesome story, Barb! The next time your bitch-sis wants to borrow a tampon, tell her you have a used one she can have.

            P. S. "tampons that I had to share with my two sisters" might have been worded a little differently to save me an initial "ewwwww."

        3. Tundra Grifter


          I was a grocery store cashier, and food stamps could only be used for food. You had to eat it to pay for it with food stamps.

          Elderly folks would come through my line and try to purchase pet food with food stamps. I always let them do it, because I didn't want anyone telling me they planned to eat it themselves.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      This is a replay of St. Ronnie Reagan's "Welfare Cadillac Mother" lie. Like so many of his favorite stories – just made up.

    3. Tundra Grifter


      The Heritage Foundation and its minions is pushing the lie that poor folks in America really aren't so poor. I mean, compared to people living in the slums of Rio or Bombay (just I know they changed the name – I can't spell Mumbi) the USofA poor have it made!

      Then they add the lie poor people don't pay their fair share of taxes – basically they are freeloaders.

      It really makes me look forward to November 2012, when the right wing nutz get shellacked. Again.

  69. JustPixelz

    I'm a little late to this party, but who did Jon Stewart have to suck-off to get Donald Trump to host a Repubican debate? I may not watch the event, but — as God is my witness — I WILL NOT MISS THE DAILY SHOW THE NEXT DAY.

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