vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

It's time to put on makeup, it's time to light the lights ....Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals).

The NYT reports on this latest slip down the GOP’s evolutionary ladder:

Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax, the conservative magazine and news Web site, to moderate a presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27.

“Our readers and the grass roots really love Trump,” said Christopher Ruddy, chief executive of Newsmax Media. “They may not agree with him on everything, but they don’t see him as owned by the Washington establishment, the media establishment.”

Mr. Trump’s role in the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television, is sure to be one of the more memorable moments in a primary season that has already delivered its fair share of circus-like spectacle.

Oh come on, liberal New York Times! You are insulting circus-like spectacles and the reputation of professional clowns and freaks.

So, on December 27 when lonely old GOP primary voters are starting to realize their kids really aren’t coming for Christmas this year, Donald Trump and the senior-citizen webzine Newsmax will finally provide some top-notch holiday entertainment. We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit. [NYT]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Oh Jesus, that's like allowing Mrs Buttersworth to moderate the fucking Pancake channel.
    "Newt, we hear that you have some very, very, very good ideas for the economy, most of which I own……"

    • RadioYKWE

      It's like trying to measure a toothache with a protractor.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I assumed it would be "Newt, we hear you have some very, very, very good ideas for dumping your wife, most of which I follow…."

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.

      • flamingpdog

        SAUROPOD LIBEL!!!1!

      • SorosBot

        That's not true!

        There was no such thing as a brontosaurus; the fossil given that name was just an apatosaurus with the wrong head.

        • RadioYKWE

          My Ditherhead brother once said that we were winning in Iraq because there were like ten new Catholic churches opened in Baghdad.
          That's not opinion, that's fact!

        • TeaNuts

          I just watched the Flintstones and they clearly said Brontosaurus! Now whom should I believe!

        • OhNoGuy

          Then it clearly should have been called a Trumposaurus.

      • FraAnima

        Thank you, Anne Elk. That's A-N-N-E Elk, not A-N elk.

        Ahem. Ahem. A-Hem.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm going to watch this one. You know about 5 minutes into it, The Donald is going to remember he much prefers to listen to the sound of his own voice and spend the rest of the show shouting down those other clowns. He may even fire a few of them.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That's my hope: let Trump fire the lot of 'em.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Late at night I fapp to the Pancake Channel, crying my tiny sick tears, leaving a few small drops of maple syrup on the couch.

      • Barb

        I know what you mean. On some snowy, horny nights I've been known to have Log Cabin fever.

  • KathrynSane

    I'm calling it: America's time of death, 12/2/2011, 2:55 pm.

    • coolhandnuke

      Stick a fork in our pizza…we're done.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    "Mr. Trump, this next question is for you…"

    "Thank you, Mr. Trump…"

    • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Yes–it'll turn into one big Formidable Opponent segment with the candidates being completely ignored.

  • Come here a minute

    Donald Trump does not know the meaning of "moderate".

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      You don't think he can let his hair down?

  • CrunchyKnee

    Hair today gone tomorrow.

    • swordfis

      He'd better get his wig cleaned or there will be hell toupée.

  • memzilla

    Combining one of America's least watched teevee channels, with one of America's wingtardiest websites, with the most hilariously-coiffed poster boy of the .001%?

    I do not think "ratings win" means what you think it means.

    • chascates

      It will be like the Doge of Venice selecting which lunatic town-crier gets to be Pope and held during Mardi Gras.

      • bagofmice

        So you played Assassins creed as well?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They're only a step away from late-night paid programming on one of those cable channels way up over 300. Which is where they should have started in the first place.

  • SorosBot

    ..It's time to get things started, on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational…

  • tihond

    This is really only worth it if Donald Trump ends the debate by declaring himself the Republican nominee.

  • SenileAgitation

    Sorry, all I can think about is wanting better broadband with David Brooks…

    • tihond

      I keep thinking… What would David Brooks look like deep-throating a vegetable?

      • flamingpdog

        And I thought I was sick.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Leave Trig out of this.

        • DaRooster

          Leave Trig Rick Parry out of this.

      • finallyhappy

        I was at a religious "event" recently – and Brooks was there. unfortunately, he did not attend the lunch afterwards. I do not think there were any large vegetables but there was salad

    • flamingpdog

      For those missing our beloved Kortney

  • RadioYKWE

    This debate could get a little hairy.

  • YouBetcha

    Will there be a laugh track?

    • Geminisunmars

      Won't need one.

    • Major Thom

      Yes, when they talk about letting the guy in the gutter die b/c his socialist health insurance is gone.

  • bumfug

    "This will be the largest, costliest and most luxurious debate in history!"

    • Not_So_Much

      Faux marble pillars, fake gold leaf — it'll be hyooj.

    • FraAnima

      It'll be HUGE!

    • Negropolis

      Trump is class, I tells ya. Class out the ass!

      Needz moar tacky, gold plating.

  • Flat_Earther

    Will he release that squirrel that is trapped on his head?

    • tihond

      He took the pelt as a trophy after "rescuing" it from Richard Gere.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Actually, I think he stole it from Huckabee.

    • SorosBot

      The human Muppets have more realistic hair than Trump.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "[The debate] will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television…"

    Remember in 2008 when SNL had Palin and McCain on the home shopping network? How prescient was that??!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    This will be best liver-blog yet.

    Send in the clowns!

    P.S. I left that comment at the NYT, and they have (thus far) refused to publish it, the rat bastards.
    ~

    • bureaucrap

      That's only because the phrase "send in the clowns" has been copyrighted by Stephen Sondheim.

  • Joshua Norton

    His first question – How much do you like my hair and why?

    Who will emerge as the latest "We hate you less than Mitch Romney" candidate of the week? The world awaits with bated breath.

    • James Michael Curley

      After a long morning fishing off the pier, I, too, have baited breath.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Pack a lunch next time.

    • flamingpdog

      What was that old TV show, "Sing Along With Mitt"?

      • mereoblivion

        Follow the bouncing balls–wait, that's Cain . . .

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    He can moderate it like the Miss USA Pageant! Perfect.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • flamingpdog
        • An_Outhouse

          Whirled peas!

        • Negropolis

          World piece of ass!

    • Master Janitor V572

      Will he buy boob jobs for the candidates?

      • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

        Everyone except Newt.

    • TeaNuts

      Two words Swimsuit Contest!

      • Nostrildamus

        My money's on Newt in the ankle length red-and-white-striped Victorian one-piece.

      • ThundercatHo

        Everyone in flag inspired Speedos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • HistoriCat

          Do. Not. Want!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Newt, can you give us your feelings about your third wife? Mine, shes terrific, really, really classy, tremendous."

    • DahBoner

      You don't meet classy dames like that at East German rest stops every day!

  • chascates

    This will be awesome! Good looking girls parading around the stage in fancy costumes, probably a steam calliope with a fife and drum band, maybe even the Rockettes.

    The Donald knows how to wow a crowd.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Will he get Marcus & Newt to show their titz?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      There will be a crowd?

  • Preferred Customer

    This should seamlessly blur the candidates' transition from "presidential hopeful" to "celebrity game show participant."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This should seamlessly blur complete the candidates' transition from "presidential hopeful" to "celebrity game show participant."

      Fixed.

  • fartknocker

    $100 says he's going to bring up the President's birth certificate.

    The debate is on the Ion Network. Shit, when are the going to debate on QVC and Animal Planet.

    • tihond

      After all, it's only a matter of time before Michelle shows up on TruTV.

    • UnholyMoses

      Please don't bash Animal Planet that much — they have some good shows.

      Granted, those shows are re-runs from other channels that have good shows, but still

      • Biff

        I heard AP did a series on Heidi Fleiss and her parrots. That's ass with class!

        • DahBoner

          Polly wants more than a cracker…

          • Biff

            To a parrot, she may appear attractive. To most primates, or even most mammals, not so much.

  • Poindexter718

    It will begin with a presentation of birth certificates and end with Trump firing one candidate.
    It will, in other words, be riveting television.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      If by riveting, you mean driving hot bolts of iron into our heads, then yes.

  • SexySmurf

    I'm going to tune in just to see how Rick Santorum reacts to Gary Busey stealing his glitter glue.

  • Flat_Earther

    Will he use the air time to release the findings that his investigation has uncovered about Obama’s birth? I have been anxiously awaiting that blockbuster news.

    • tihond

      Last time Trump messed with Obama, Bin Laden ended up dead. Trump: American Hero?

  • SexySmurf

    Ion Television? Is that the fuzzy channel between public access and Telemundo?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Probably should be on Anion TeeVee, since all these campaigning kleptocrats have collected far more Ameros, and electrons, than the law should allow, and singularly or collectively they are so acidic.

    • Chichikovovich

      No, I think it's the one that shows the Aurora Borealis 24/7 when it's not showing negatively charged Republican candidates in an excited state.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      It's next to Qubo, if you must know. The home of The Magic School Bus, Rescue Rangers, and the closeted homer-sexuals of the Zula Patrol!

      • HistoriCat

        Oooh – and the Book of Virtues! Nothing like having Bill Bennett moralize. I wonder if they get into frittering your money away on gambling?

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          I surprised Newt didn't get in on that gig!

          • HistoriCat

            Chump change. Newt only goes for the big money.

      • OhNoGuy

        I was deeply, deeply in love with Ms. Frizzle. I wondered where she'd run off to.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Still doing her thing, in syndication forever!!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I assume there will be mud wrestling?

    • OhNoGuy

      Nothing that classy.

  • SmutBoffin

    Newsmax?! What kind of questions will they ask the candidates?
    "What is your preferred brand of fallout shelter rations?"
    "How does the testament of Jesus Christ influence your selection of concealed firearms?"
    "HOW WILL YOU PURGE THE GOV'T OF FREEDOM-HATING SOCIALISTS – FIRE OR A HAIL OF BULLETS?"

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      How many pictures of Ronald Reagan do you carry in your wallet?

      • Master Janitor V572

        Pretty sure the Newsmax folks consider Reagan a sell-out. Dealing with Tip! Arms for hostages!

        • An_Outhouse

          Amnesty!

        • Biff

          But just like raygun, they can't recall either.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Would you like a copy of Sarah Palin's best selling book, Going Rogue?"

  • HarryButtle

    Who's that hairy muppet behind Sam the Eagle? Looks awfully Muslin to me…

  • coolhandnuke

    Here's how Obama can assure a landslide victory come November. Invite Donald Trump to the White House under the ruse to discuss economics or hair gels. Take him to a secluded spot–the Rose Garden works–then just pummel Trump with both Obama fists, knees, elbows, an Obama headbutt or two. This ass whupping will be filmed and sent live to every station and channel.

    • ThundercatHo

      Well, as long as we are engaging in fantasy. I would like to see our beloved FLOTUS, in some fierce leopard print outfit, slap the living shit out of Newt. I want to see him on the ground, his face covered in tears and blood-streaked snot crying like the pussy bitch he truly is.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit.

    Ken do you know yet where you will be renditioned? Gitmo, Lybia, Ubeckibeckstanstan, or did Hillz score you a cell in Burmashave Myanmar?

    • flamingpdog

      Word on the street is that Ken's going to be renditioned here.

  • James Michael Curley

    Somebody give me a location where Ion Television does not exist. I need a destination for my Christmas vacation.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Alas, brave one — I will be returning to the workplace from the meager 'long weekend staycation' the day after this airs. My liver shudders to think.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I don't get Ion up here in the redwoods, but that may be due to my not having cable or an antenna. I'll have to re-enact the debate by getting as drunk and high as possible and arguing with the feces I plan on smearing on the walls. Those turds always have the worst rebuttals.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You can crash in my back room. I got only basic cable. This is why.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr. Romney, you've been accused of flip flopping more than my hair on a breezy day, how do you respond"?

    • mourningnmerica

      This reminds me that it would behoove Mitt to use Seger's "Like A Rock" as his campaign song. And not ironically. People are stupid. It might affect them, like subliminally.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Please! Don't help him.

        Mitt is less "like a rock" and more like the Diamoniques they sell on QVC. Manufactured to appear like a genuine article and sparkles with different color depending on which light it's under.

    • Callyson

      "With all due respect, Mr Trump, that is not true. Your hair has not budged since 1987."

    • OhNoGuy

      I don't think it will be all that formal. He'll call Romney, Mitt and so on. Too bad we will not hear Donald say "You, the colored guy, what do you think?"

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Oh boy, I believe the first person to utter a racial slur, threatens to shoot somebody or says they'll start a war with some poor unsuspecting brown-filled country wins this one hands down!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Then it will be a very short "debate."

      • Barrelhse

        Yeah, whoever goes first will probably utter them all as an opening run-on sentence.

  • teebob2000

    The "something" that happened to eliminate him as a viable candidate is that Obama figuratively cut off his balls then stuffed them in his mouth at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

    Exhibit A: http://bit.ly/vaRiPi please refer to the 9:30 mark

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Ouch. Might this explain why only morons are running for the GOP nomination?

    • OhNoGuy

      In his hands, a teleprompter is a lethal weapon.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Compared to the rest of the GOP field minus the Invisible Huntsman, the short fingered vulgarian is almost sane.

    Still, I think the world, humanity and even US America would be done a big favor if someone just rounded up all the Trumps, GOPers and Newsmax readers into a rocket and fired it into the sun.

    • Barrelhse

      That would be a good solution, but don't sub it out to Russia.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Actually, so long as we loft them (and tons of rocket fuel) to any altitude, it's likely to end well. The Russians have that part down pretty well.

    • Biff

      Icarus wept.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Ha, ha!
      Short fingered vulgarian!!
      How great was "Spy?"
      (Thank God for Wonkette!)

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr Hunstman, tell us how your experience as Ambassador to China will help you negotiate with China? Myself, I buy their drywall and flatscreens, I tell them this is America and I'm "The Donald" and the "games" are over."

    • GOPCrusher

      It would hilarious to see Jon Huntsman explain to The Donald why his plan to force China to pay taxes to the United States makes him the Stupidest Shit On The Planet.

  • mourningnmerica

    This just in: Coach Fine the new frontrunner in Republican Primary.

    • mereoblivion

      He's still groping for a response.

  • Ancient_Hacker

    Dang, now that doot doot do doot da do doot doot duh doot circus music refrain is going through my head and won't go away. Gee thanks, Wonkette, for that mental picture.

    • Barrelhse

      Try playing it backwards- it really DOES say: tood hud tood tood od ad tood od tood tood.

  • prommie

    This is it, now, come on, this is just too fucking much. The short-fingered vulgarian hair-monster is going to turn the GOP primary into a Trump-branded Craptacular reality TV show, and the GOP clowns are going to allow it, hell, they are thrilled at the opportunity to perform beneath Trump's Big Top. No, no, no, no, this is not happening, this cannot be happening. Somebody must have put something in my drink. I am moving to the Languedoc, to the wilds of deepest, darkest France, if this is real. Look for me on my barge on the Canal du Midi.

    • freakishlywrong

      The ringmaster is the biggest clown of all.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Taking a Locoboat Locaboat?

      • prommie

        I want one of those dutch sailing barges.

    • DahBoner

      By this logic, most decent Americans should have left during Japanese interment camps.

      France wasn't an option back then…

    • Limeylizzie

      I am all packed, mon ange.

    • finallyhappy

      I'll bring the croissants

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      At least the food will be better!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Lousiest. Punk'd. Episode. EVER.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I will need to be really drunk to get through this debate… again.

  • Goonemeritus

    “Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax”

    Who’s catching?

  • Baconzgood

    It's been almost 2 hours since they had a debate. Time for another one.

    • DahBoner

      Repetition creates desire. Oldest marketing trick, because it actually works.

      See HP baby e-printer commercial…

    • Buckminster

      God, it's not just me. Thank you, Bacon, thank you

  • mourningnmerica

    I'm going to skip that one and wait for the December 29th debate, which is being sponsored by NAMBLA, and moderated by Joe Paterno.

  • YouBetcha

    My usual porn hasn't been doing it for me lately. This just might do the trick.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Only watching if he fires one of them at the end.

    • LesBontemps

      No, he fires all of them and makes himself the GOP nominee.

  • Joshua Norton

    Is it just me, or is The Donalde looking more and more like fat Elvis?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      With worse taste in clothing and interior design.

    • Buckminster

      I heard he's installing a Jungle Room.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The NewsMax questions should be precious: How many of you would favor impeaching President Obama for using a false Social Security number on his forged birth certificate? What will you do to reverse the influence of pro-Sharia organizations such as FOX News, the NRA and Butterball Turkeys? Should scientists be classified as cultists and shipped to the secret alien landing pad under Mt. Rushmore? And what are we going to do about the fluoride?!

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    I can't wait to fire one of these assholes next November…

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Mrs Bachman, you have said you want to close the Embassy in Iran, why dont we just turn it into the most luxurious Embassy\Casino in the entire middle east?"

    • Walkinwiddaking

      " We let it go public and then declare bankruptcy." The Donald has a knack for generating wealth…. for himself.

      • Warpde

        Well, he does have a way of Donald Ducking.
        No disrespect to Walt.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Mr Paul, you love gold, I really really love gold, on everything and anything, … no question really, we just both love gold".

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    It'll be HUGE!

    • freakishlywrong

      "Yuge"..

    • Tundra Grifter

      MG:

      But classy. VERY classy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Then there'll be the questions from the IonTV viewers:

    "Oh, this isn't ESPN 4?"

    • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      "Is this gonna cut into Mama's Family?"

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Or ESPN "Ocho?"

  • BarackMyWorld

    Newsmax? Really?

    And when are the John Birch Society and the Michigan Militia debates being held?

    • SorosBot

      And now the debate presented by C-SPAN and the Klu Klux Klan.

    • tihond

      They'll be on Verses in January.

      • GOPCrusher

        If they preempt hockey, I will be seriously pissed.

    • Tundra Grifter

      And the Roanoke TeaBagger Patriots' League and Chowder Society.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Federation.

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. I mean, really, what else can these rat fuckers do to embarrass this country?

  • Come here a minute

    It's not easy
    being green.

  • DaRooster

    I can't wait for Trump to start yelling at Ron Paul about his eyebrows… then Paul can point out that Trump should never criticize anything about anyone's hair.

  • Antispandex

    Donald is the feel good example that the Teapublican's just love. I guy who fought and clawed his way to the top by hard work and his own resources. Just like the average American….who's dad is rich..and who never had to do a real days work in his whole life! Yep, just like you and me!

  • PhilippePetain

    To be fair, Kermit's "Rainbow Connection" scandal all those years ago has probably excluded him from consideration in today's GOP.

    • SorosBot

      Sam the Eagle is the only Real Amerikan among the bunch.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Sam the Eagle would have never ratted out Charlie Company in My Lai.

        • PhilippePetain

          Sam the Eagle would have been too busy finking out those suspiciously semitic Libunatics, Statler and Waldorf.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I'm afraid Kermit has fallen on hard times.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57ta7mkgrOU

    • flamingpdog

      But Miss Piggy has stood by her man all these years since.

      Q: What's green and smells like pork?
      A: Kermit the Frog's middle finger.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    ION is a good channel that shows, "The Ghost Whisperer" all the time. It's a show about a girl that is a stripper (she might just dress like a stripper. This I am not totally clear on) that can see dead people and then she convinces them that they should just be happy being dead and then they go away.

    • mereoblivion

      Is that the one with the once-thought-to-be-hot brunette whose head is shaped like a giant Tylenol?

    • Come here a minute

      That must be the theme of the channel, because the Trump debate will convince anyone that they would be happy being dead.

      • GOPCrusher

        It's really gone downhill since they took WWE's Friday Night Smackdown off and put it on Syfy.

    • finallyhappy

      My husband liked that show- and I don't think the ghosts had anything to do with it.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      So, Sixth Sense: The Series?

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      That's the best description of that show I've ever seen.

    • Negropolis

      You could totally right humorous television reviews. That's the best one I've seen on the Ghost Whisperer. lol

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given Trump's and Newsmax's involvement, I assume that all of the questions will revolve around birth certificates and Kenyan quislings?

  • DaRooster

    “Our readers and the grass roots really love Trump,” said Christopher Ruddy, "Well they're not readers per se… more like… well… special."

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the Republican Presidential Campaign is now officially reality show fodder?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    This was my idea right here the other day. The GOP is apparently getting it's television ideas from Wonkette comments!

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Ooo, really? Ive got one;

      Mudslinging with Meghan. A "Crossfire" clone in which Megs discusses how hard it is to be a "more smarter" young Republican while mud wrestling the guest(s).

  • Generation[redacted]

    Grass roots love the Donald. Larger, more intelligent vegetables prefer Kourtney.

  • swordfis

    You call this pathetic bullshit? You must be kidding – this is the greatest emetic ever devised by Western medicine.

  • Master Janitor V572

    The mere fact that Cox Cable carries ION in their basic cable channel indicates how desperate the GOPers are.

  • boobookitteh

    While I'm sad that this will apparently pre-empt the seemingly endless Criminal Minds marathon on Ion, I am kind of excited for this because it will be the ultimate Crazy Clusterfuck.

    But then I'm sad again because The Daily Show will be on hiatus. And then I'm even sadder because this is real life.

    • jus_wonderin

      "And then I'm even sadder because this is real life."

      I have yet to be convinced. In my reality, I am merely taking a shower while Pam Ewing is sleeping.

    • bebecca2298

      Criminal Minds? Then it's the perfect place for a Republican debate.

  • freakishlywrong

    “Lol. We look forward to watching Mitt and Newt suck-up to The Donald with a big bowl of popcorn.”

    Jon Huntsman's response.

    • Tundra Grifter

      FW: Not overly grammatical, but quite funny!

    • Negropolis

      Liked they'd invite him to their Newsmax gathering. That's what's "LOL." about this.

  • HarryButtle

    Ion's the network that plays "Criminal Minds" 24/7, isn't it? Can't think of a more appropriate venue for this…

    • boobookitteh

      I have been desperately trying to start a twitter game called GOPDebate or Criminal Minds? But no one seems to want to play. Or maybe they just really can't tell the difference between a parade of sociopaths and sexual deviants and the characters on the show.

      • HarryButtle

        Ion's airwaves will be full of pedophiles, murderers, and psychopaths…after which we can watch Joe Montegna solve crimes!

  • El Pinche

    I predict he bankrupts at least 4 things before this terrible shindig.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Now where am I going to get my Trejo fix?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    " Mr Cain, were both businessman, me I'm a very very successful billionaire, you, … hey, where did Herman go?, why isn't he here? he's so Omorosa."

  • bureaucrap

    Can it really even be considered a debate if the only question is "don't you agree?" and the moderator doesn't wait to hear the answer?

  • MissTaken

    This is exactly what the GOP Debate O' Week has been missing: gold, hair, and insanely inflated egos.

    • SorosBot

      But they haven't all missed that; a few have been moderated by Wolf Blitzer.

  • paris biltong

    Anything you can think of that says more emphatically "grandeur and decadence of the American empire"?

  • Terry

    "And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.”"

    He crowed himself King of the Birthers, then Obama released his long form birth certificate and it was all downhill for Trump from there.

    Wouldn't it be nice, though, if Trump decided to use a phrase like "You're fired" to any candidate who talked too long or who disagreed with Trump's own views?

    • SorosBot

      That and NBC told him they'd cancel his flailing TV show if he wouldn't knock it off.

  • Sassomatic

    Letting one of the tards drive the shortbus. Awesome. Pray for cliffs.

  • bflrtsplk

    Does he get to decide who is hired or fired?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Of course not. His Wall Street employers do. They do let him say it, though.

  • HistoriCat

    That picture – it's Muppet libel!

  • freakishlywrong

    It's a riches of embarrassment.

  • DahBoner

    Please tell me the Intertubes got crossed and this is really a story from The Onion???

  • Chichikovovich

    OK, so I've never heard of this Ion channel, so "Google away". And on their welcome page they have an enormous ad for all the UFC ultimate fighting matches they are broadcasting.

    I'm seeing some major crossover potential here.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    It's on ION? Will it displace Without a Trace reruns?

    ahhhhhh, runs screaming into the night

  • Extemporanus

    This is good news for Ron Paul's eyebrow.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Another live blog? I've already cashed in all my sobriety chips.

  • gingerland62

    Great first paragraph. At some point the horror of it all has become completely hilarious.

  • Generation[redacted]

    It's going to be fun watching all the candidates try to sell the most hot dogs on Times Square.

    • Tommmcattt

      OMG, you are brilliant. I would actually watch "The Apprentice" if it were a competition between these idiots. Plus: "Newt Gingrich- You're Fired!"

      Awesome.

  • Dumbedup

    Reality just beats snark every day now, surely a sign that this whole thing is wrapping up. probably time to start over anyway.

  • mereoblivion

    Ion Television, Youon Television, today Weallson Television.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Between this and "Women for Cain" how is possible to make fun anymore of the GOP when they're writing the jokes themselves now?

    • GOPCrusher

      That's the best part. They don't realize it. It's kind of like when the Tea Party first started up and they called themselves Tea Baggers. Only once they noticed that people were openly mocking them did they discover what the term meant.
      Then they tried to blame it on the liberals as another attempt to discredit the movement.

  • MissTaken

    Oh how I look forward to watching all the candidates verbally fellate The Donald and then washing it all down with some Trump Ice Spring Water
    http://www.trump.com/Merchandise/Trump_Ice.asp

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Just when you think it can't get any more pointless and stupid, wham! They bring in Trump.

  • An_Outhouse

    Its a CHRISTMAS debate, not a HOLIDAY debate.

    • Generation[redacted]

      What? They won't have the traditional Festivus feat of strength?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Yeah–wtf? Conservatives are suddenly gettin' all secular on our ass?

    • elviouslyqueer

      DAMN YOU, CREEPING SHARIA!

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Sorry to go all serious on you, but when is the Democratic Party going to demand its 2,750 hours of free TV time, across the full spectrum of channels, to deliver its rainbow coalition of opinions? No one could seriously claim these are debates. They are a range of conservative opinions — from dull to wingnuttiest — on how the country should be run if and when the Kenyan usurper is dislodged from the WHITE House he has no business being in.

    This non-stop Obama-bashing is being broadcast to the idiot electorate week after week at little or no cost to the GOP — AND these stations can report to the FCC they did "public affairs programming." I know the Democrats already have their candidate, but the Republicans will have theirs, too, as soon as Rupe, Rog, and Rove come to an agreement with the Kochs. These "debates" are yet another way the Corporation Called America® can be the only voice heard by people who are too fat and lazy to get up and turn the channel after Repo Mayhem is over or their two-year-old accidentally tunes in CNN with the remote he's not supposed to touch.

    Sorry … I'll get off my soapbox now … resume drinking, Wonkeratti. I know it's Friday and football is about to start.

    • Come here a minute

      These debates are Obama campaign ads.

    • Negropolis

      This non-stop Obama-bashing is being broadcast to the idiot electorate week after week at little or no cost to the GOP…

      And, yet, it's having almost zero effect on the numbers. The president shouldn't even be in the running with the unemployment rate it is and the constant beating about the head he's been getting from the media over it…and yet, he remains.

      You used the right word for unelecting him. "Dislodge". That's what they are going to have to do to get him out of there, 'cause he ain't leaving without a fight.

  • Come here a minute

    Drink when Newt says fundamentally.

    • Nostrildamus

      When I think Newt, I think fundament.

  • mavenmaven

    I think this debate should be on AMC as part of the midseason finale of The Walking Dead.

    • DonnyKerabotsos

      They can hold the debate in Hershel's barn.

      • finallyhappy

        The midseason finale already happened(not very finale if you ask me) but Hershel's barn has better candidates.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Not easy being green it is.

    – Yoda

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    "What is your exit strategy for the War on Christmas?"

  • usernameguy

    There's an entire cable network devoted to charged particles?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hey — without charged particles, television itself would be impossible.

    • SorosBot

      All of 'em, Katie.

  • mormos

    trump belongs on meet the feebles, not the muppet show.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Why fire just one when the Donald can fire them all?

  • Callyson

    the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television
    Um, has anyone even *heard* of this network?

    • Callyson

      Found it! Channel 30 for those of you stuck with Time Warner Cable in Los Angeles. Freak show is on!

    • SorosBot

      And it's actually a broadcast network you can get with an antenna (I had to look it up, but it's channel 61 my area). Good reporting, NY Times!

    • finallyhappy

      Fios has it here in the metro Dc area- I do get it but I also get 6 shopping channels that I don't watch .

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Nobody in their right mind would set time out of their day to get comfy in their living room and watch this shit show. This has to be a double-psyche where the whole point of the exercise is to scare people away from watching.

  • LiveToServeYa

    So … how can these things get more ludicrous? Jello wrestling would only lift them out of the depths.

  • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

    I'm imaging the candidates each in a sort of phone booth filled to neck level with maggots and they have to eat their way to the bottom where there's a briefcase filled with 10 million TrumpBucks, with a picture of Donald's ugly grill on each one.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Since I can't stomach another one of these gaffe generators, I'll be inserting multiple toothpicks into my eyes for relief.

  • ProgressiveInga

    2 words:
    Shame. Less.

  • fuflans

    holiday republican debate

    worst fucking holiday ever.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Remember when Lewis Black showed several photos and asked people to pick which interiors were Donald Trump hotels and which were Saddam Insane's palaces?

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Newsmax" and Donald Chump – there's a pair you can draw to!

  • voodooeconomics

    God help them if they interfere with a bowl game.
    Best thing that could happen would be for Beck to also get involved. Then this Messican/ Republican Soap Opera could pull some ratings.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I think everybody should wear Mexican wrestling masks.

      • Biff

        So says El Asso Wipo, so say we all!

  • Beowoof

    It's gonna be HUGE

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      But enough about Trump's ego….

      That's what Gingrich told Callista … about his belly.

      But, alas, The Undefeated did not sweep the nation.

  • mookwrthwilson

    I guess ION had to fill up airtime after Harold Camping called it quits.

  • datateday

    The biggest thing Donald Trump could ever do is reveal his hair to be an ambiguous dyed blonde critter plucked straight out of the dark forest of enmity and disdain…

  • littlebigdaddy

    If Newsmax can sponsor a debate, why not Wonkette? Of course, we would have some unusual groundrules, such as dunking candidates in vats of water every time they say something clinically insane.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Forcing all the other candidates to yell "DRINK!" each time Ron Paul mentions the Fed.

      • littlebigdaddy

        They'd be fishing them out of the sewers every half an hour.

    • DustBowlBlues

      And the best part, instead of bitching about live blogging the next in the bottomless pit that are Repubtard debates, Ken can be moderator. The Onion would probably love to go in with us on it. Seriously, how hard must the writers at The Onion be pressed, trying to write stories more absurd than reality?

      We and the few other sane people still living in this country are spectators trapped in the Freak Show of an infinite sideshow. Stop the World, I want to get off.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        I'd pay good money to see Ken moderate one of these things.

        It'd have to be in CA so he can smoke an enormous (medical) bifter and drink whiskey whilst excoriating these pigeon-chested fools for not even remotely addressing the question.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    but they don’t see him as owned by the Washington establishment, the media establishment

    Are you fucking high? The reality show host…this attention whore by which all other attention whores are judged is not, what…fuck.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Newsmax and Donald Chump – talk about your LameStream Media!

  • http://witsendnj.blogspot.com/ witsendnj

    You really haven't lived (vicariously) until you've seen this film, Born Rich, by J&J heir, Jamie Johnson – which includes interviews with other trust fund bunnies, like Ivanka, and Georgina Bloomberg. Enjoy, Wonketters! http://witsendnj.blogspot.com/2011/11/1.html

  • Biff

    We are hoping that whole Internet censorship thing is finished and enacted by then, so we don’t have to liveblog this pathetic bullshit.

    Jesus, Layne–you've forgotten whose side the censors will be are on.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    So it's a circus? Does this mean Olivia Munn will get nekkid to protest it?

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Trump's fortune was not ill-gotten, he slid out of the womb into it like any other man. President Trump (but really, casino? Bankrupt? Run my country!). Has the Weekly World News sponsored a debate yet, maybe with Coast To Coast? Moderated by George Nouri if Ed Anger isn't available.

  • ttommyunger

    ION? Let me guess: "Idiots Only Network".

  • sbj1964

    Trump is a Ass monkey ! Conan O'brian does his hair,and He did not mention God in his thanksgiving how too foreclose on homeowners speech?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Buck up, Ken. I have a feeling that this one's going to be such a kooky mashup of talking points and ultra right-wing conspiracy (aka urban myths) theories that even the discerning intellectuals who are proud to be called the wonkeratti can't demand the editor makes his or her responses in full sentences. "Shit" "Fuck "Jesus" "Kill me now. No, kill that nutcase" etc. will be as much as anyone will be able to say.

    Oops. Prophets of Science Fiction is on the teevee, and I need to get a Sunday School lesson ready.

  • cletar

    America's Teensiest Cable Channel and a rightwing nutball website expect candidates to go to Des Moines right after Christmas to get berated by Donald Trump? That's crazy. Won't the candidates all want to spend the holidays with their wives and mistresses?

  • Negropolis

    Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax

    Honestly, that's the end of the thread. Nothing else needed to be said.

    Mr. Trump’s role in the debate, which will be broadcast on the cable network Ion Television, is sure to be one of the more memorable moments in a primary season that has already delivered its fair share of circus-like spectacle.

    The NYT wiggled it's way partially back into my heart with that one. It's nice to see people call it like it is. It's terrible that it happens so infrequently.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Perhaps The Donald is gearing up to milk sweet cashola as a speaker on the next NewsMax cruise?

      How's the computer btw?

  • Buckminster

    Boy, this should beat the hell out of that MTV stooge's Rockin' New Year's Eve special in the ratings. Not.

  • Negropolis

    It's a trap!

    You know who else got all his rivals into a room?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Karl Rover?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Tonya Harding?

    • DahBoner

      Leon Redbone?

    • LiveToServeYa

      The Joker?

  • Barb

    Newt is now claiming that people are able to take their food stamps and go on a trip to Hawaii with them. Like Michele's claim that Gardacil causes mental retardation, I would like to know a SOLID example of this happening. You can't just throw this crap out there and have it sound credible.

    "You don't get food stamps. You get a credit card and the credit card can be used for anything." Oh yeah? Once Tiffany's starts taking food stamp debit cards, I will believe that it is a "credit card."

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Politifact rated that bullshit as Pants On Fire, unsurprisingly.

      Can food stamps "be used for anything"?

      No. The food stamp program — which, we should point out, has officially been known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, or SNAP, since October 2008 — has very precise rules about what can and cannot be paid for.

      • Barb

        I have friends who will swear that they witness food stamp recipients buying porterhouse steaks and Alaskan King crab legs and then loading them into their Cadillac car.

        Newt seems to be hostile toward poor people, even suggesting that kids should be put to work.

        I was 1 of 9 children, the 3 youngest were girls. At age 12, I babysat 5 kids, did all of the housework and laundry for a DOLLAR an hour. I was paid by a post-dated check and didn't even have a freaking bank account to cash those checks with. At age 15, I got working papers and worked as a waitress five nights a week for 4 hours. The meal I got at work was the only time I was able to afford to eat all day and it was french fries (I DETEST french fries) and whatever could be grilled quickly. My tips got left on the counter at home every night for my sisters to be able to buy lunch at school and whatever endless school expense that came up. Then I went home and I would help my mom go to her job cleaning offices for most of the night.

        My mom received food stamps and I remember that she couldn't buy pet food with them and I couldn't get the kitten/puppy that I really wanted. I shared Totino's-like shittified frozen pizzas with mystery meat with my sisters and I don't remember ever going to Hawaii. My "big thing" in life was getting that $2.65, per hour minimum wage check at age 15, and going to the Kroger store and getting Sprite soda, a magazine, Doritos and some tampons.

        I expect that Newt's next lie is going to be that kids who receive free lunches at school can use their benefits to buy Omaha Steaks and have them delivered.

        Making kids work adult jobs just makes them exhausted, poor students who, occasionally, have Doritos and tampons that I had to share with my two sisters.

        • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

          WWJD? Someone should tell Newt what it actually says in the Bible:

          James 2:8 Yes indeed, it is good when you truly obey our Lord's command, "You must love and help your neighbors just as much as you love and take care of yourself."

        • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

          Repubicans like to extol the family as the cornerstone of society. To them, that's just code meaning single mothers and non-heterosexuals are not part of society, barbarians, if you will.

          But your story illustrates how families are that cornerstone. Because families have to face every problem society throws at them. They adapt and evolve. Some fail, but stronger families emerge. Families with same-sex parters who adopt otherwise unwanted children, older adults raising their grandchildren because their own children are unemployed, sisters working minimum wage so her siblings can have lunch money.

          What angers me is the pride people like Newt take in pushing down those who exemplify those very American qualities of generosity, lending a hand, sharing. God, that pisses me off. Thank you for being their opposite Barb.

          • Barb

            Aww, thanks JustPixels!
            Jeff and I move in together during the month of May. For Mother's Day, he donated $500.00 to the Roadrunner Food Bank in my mother's name. My sister, Nancy told me that he should have gotten a gift for me instead. What a bitch!

          • flamingpdog

            Awesome story, Barb! The next time your bitch-sis wants to borrow a tampon, tell her you have a used one she can have.

            P. S. "tampons that I had to share with my two sisters" might have been worded a little differently to save me an initial "ewwwww."

          • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

            Roadrunners have a food bank? You better check to see if it has an anvil hanging over it.

          • Barb

            Have you ever seen a roadrunner in real life? That are amusing clown birds and fun to watch.

        • Tundra Grifter

          Barb:

          I was a grocery store cashier, and food stamps could only be used for food. You had to eat it to pay for it with food stamps.

          Elderly folks would come through my line and try to purchase pet food with food stamps. I always let them do it, because I didn't want anyone telling me they planned to eat it themselves.

    • Tundra Grifter

      This is a replay of St. Ronnie Reagan's "Welfare Cadillac Mother" lie. Like so many of his favorite stories – just made up.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Barb:

      The Heritage Foundation and its minions is pushing the lie that poor folks in America really aren't so poor. I mean, compared to people living in the slums of Rio or Bombay (just I know they changed the name – I can't spell Mumbi) the USofA poor have it made!

      Then they add the lie poor people don't pay their fair share of taxes – basically they are freeloaders.

      It really makes me look forward to November 2012, when the right wing nutz get shellacked. Again.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Whatever, just wake me when Chuck Norris teams up with Stormfront for a GOP "debate" on whatever network Vince McMahom is with that week.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I'm a little late to this party, but who did Jon Stewart have to suck-off to get Donald Trump to host a Repubican debate? I may not watch the event, but — as God is my witness — I WILL NOT MISS THE DAILY SHOW THE NEXT DAY.

  • DahBoner

    Donald Trump: Do you ever go shopping for "daddy butter" or "turtle mix"?
    http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl

  • Schmegeg

    Please have this at the Taj in Atlantic City. And please PLEASE comp me some tickets.

  • DustBowlBlues

    When will this happen? Please tell me it will be televised.

  • Warpde

    Maybe we will get lucky and he will just fire all their asses.