Michele Bachmann Kindly Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married

  just like marcus bachmann did

Just to clarify: Michele Bachmann isn’t offering to let gays get married in the same way straight people do, she’s offering to let gays marry people of the opposite sex if they feel the need to be able to get hitched so badly. This is how “civil rights” works, according to someone with a mail-order law degree. “[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man.” So many options!

After Bachmann delivered a pandering sermon about tolerance and government protection of civil rights to a group of high school students, one thoughtful youngster managed to ask the obvious:

JANE SCHMIDT: Why can’t a man marry a man?

BACHMANN: Because that’s not the law of the land.

JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.

BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.

God, we are too tired of this woman to even try to solve that Rubix blob of illogic except to point out that gay marriage is lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. But not in Minnesota, which makes a pretty good legal theory for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann! [HuffPo]

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231 comments

    1. Tundra Grifter

      GT[R]:

      If they want to get married in Miami, they better learn to speak Cuban. Just ask Herman Cain for details.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, I figured the Subaru wagon would have been the more obvious giveaway.

          But then if you go by that criterion, fully half the people in my Pacific NW region would be lesbians (of either gender).

          1. flamingpdog

            That means that pretty much everybody in Boulder, Colorado is a lesbian. No wonder I can't get a date.

            But then I've often wondered if I myself were a lesbian trapped in a man's body, too. What'sja doing after work today, caveman?

          1. Master Janitor V572

            What makes it such a brilliant book is that, in addition to the vicious satirical characterization of Soviet communism, it’s also a touching story that makes you care about the characters

    1. slithytoves

      The student challenging her has more logic circuits in two brain cells than Bachman has in her entire head.

    2. kissawookiee

      "What part of [ _______ ] does this dipshit not get? Idiot! "

      This is the Acme Products All-Purpose gizmo of questions posed about Michele Bachman.

    1. Master Janitor V572

      Don't you stick a fork in something to find out whether it's done? Whatever: fork Miche1e Bachmann!

    2. user-of-owls

      Maybe she's like an Oxtail soup or a Boeuf Bourguinon and just needs to cook for a really long time before she gets tender.

      Nah, more like this.

  1. elviouslyqueer

    BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.*

    *Except where it is a right, like in Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, and Vermont.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I'm sure she'll be finding an exception to the states' rights doctrine real soon concerning that, just like Rick Perry did.

    2. GOPCrusher

      According to the Taliban here in Iowa, same-sex marriage will be Constitutionally abolished , just as soon as they can take over the Democratic Controlled Senate and get it on a ballot to be voted on, because the majority of Iowans demand it.
      Of course, polls show that the majority of Iowans don't care if gays want to get married or not, and they recently lost a special election for a Senate seat running on the pledge to abolish same-sex marriage.
      These people have already endorsed Michele Bachmann.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I heartily endorse their policy of running on that pledge, every election for the next several decades.

        1. Terry

          For most men, removing fabric from the front to accommodate a gut would be a better idea. Men tend to lose their arses as they age and gain real estate around the midsection.

          1. elviouslyqueer

            Men tend to lose their arses as they age and gain real estate around the midsection.

            It's… it's like you know me.

    3. PalinzADummy

      You know, you're just going to *confuse* the poor, idiotic bitch. Lookit, this is someone who can't tell the difference between John Wayne (whose REAL name wasn't EVEN John OR Wayne) and John Wayne Gacy (whose real name was BOTH John AND Wayne). She can't tell the difference between the anniversary of someone's death and their birth. And you want her to know that ALL THOSE STATES have gay marriage laws?

      Oy!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Spent extra Euros for the accent aigu option package, too. Memzilla's living the high life, no question about it.

  2. coolhandnuke

    Bachmann added; "The day when an Adam and Steve can marry and pollute the institution of marriage, is the day when we send a man to the moon."

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    So, if Marcus married Ann Coulter, would that violate the space-time continuum?

    A manly woman for every womanly man. The rest of you just get porn.

    1. El Pinche

      Something's getting violated considering Coulter's 9 inch cock and Marcus' poop-vagina. I'll download and watch that shit.

      1. Tommmcattt

        Look, I'm not saying Ann Coulter has a penis, but if she does we're not talking about any nine inches. The way she overcompensates we're talking three, maybe four inches at best.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      As a man who lurks and drools over women's bodybuilding and hardcore butch lesbian sites, I endorse this idea.

  4. Barb

    Michele then went on to tell this brave teen, " Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until homosexuality was no more."

    1. paris biltong

      So that's why they used to ask you if you were a homosexual or a communist on US visa applications. Kept America free from both.

    2. Negropolis

      The Founding Fathers were a bunch of drag queens, what with their lace and powdered wigs and what-not. Where were ye, olde white wimmenz at? Hengh?

  5. Wonderthing

    "If you are a cat you can marry a dog. If you are a pig you can marry a frog. I am a witch and I married a warlock. I'm trapped in my car cause I can't work the door lock." MB

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Rick Santorum wants to know if the law allows you to gay-marry a dog, or if the dog has to be of the opposite sex.

    1. Callyson

      My dog wants to know if the law allows him to bitch – slap Rick Santorum, or if the dog has to restrain himself to endless barking and growling at him.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Tell little Ricky to ask our legal espurt Clarence Thom-ass. He knows all about those things like man-on-dog stuff.

      1. flamingpdog

        Outside of a dog, Rick Santorum is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, Rick Santorum is too hard to … EWWWW!!

  7. DaRooster

    "…not the law of the land…"?

    Given all of the rules and regulations that you are going to change… this could be one of 'em… no?

  8. memzilla

    Someone, please, for her own good, kidnap Ol' Crazy Eyes and have a "Pray Away The Stupid" intervention.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Whoever's doing oppo for the next Dem candidate in her district isn't going to have to work very hard, that's for sure.

    2. GOPCrusher

      She did an Q & A session at the University of Northern Iowa this week, focusing on education.
      The answer to every question was to abolish the Department of Education, lower taxes, and return control of the schools back to local governments.
      The University of Northern Iowa was formerly known as The Iowa State Teacher's College and the majority of graduates major in Education and go on to the teaching vocation.
      She was largely met with boos from the audience, except for the attendees that were shipped in by the Black Hawk County Republiklan Party.

  9. Chichikovovich

    I think we should close down all Christian churches immediately. This is not religious discrimination against Christians, because we're also prohibiting Jews, Moslems, Hindus, Athiests, Agnostics, Pastafarians, Buddhists, etc. from worshiping at Christian churches.

    1. Master Janitor V572

      You have to wonder who would give money to her campaign. Even in Iowa people are smart enough to say, "Well, yes she was born here, but that doesn't mean I have to vote for her. We've suffered enough with Steve King."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Idea for a sitcom: Lesbian couple and gay-guy couple, frustrated over the lack of benefits etc., agree to marry each other's partner, and of course they all live in the same house, none of their parents/neighbors/co-workers know they're gay, etc. etc.

      This would work.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          …and since this is an American sitcom, both the guys are fat and schlumpy, and both the gals are hawt. Lipstick lesbians being far more marketable, of course.

          So maybe more of a spinoff of Sara Silverman's show.

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        In the days of DADT, I knew of a pair of gay couples who did exactly this to keep their partners and benefits. Sadly, wacky hijinks did not ensue…

      2. WootInTarnation

        It does work! knew 2-3 couples in the late 80s-early 90s who set up households like that. A couple of the spouses were military and every partner wanted the rights and financial benefits automatically gained through marriage.

        These are just people I knew. I'm sure this solution has been practiced many, many times in the previous decades and centuries. The one gay woman/one gay man solution has been put into practice tens of thousands of times.

  10. comrad_darkness

    My wingnut relatives complain that the left is always trying to tell people how to live their lives, while these busybody loons on the right happily tell people who their allowed to fucking LOVE.

    Jesus Christ on an ice cream cone.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Yeah, but, c'mon, the government might regulate incandescent light bulbs, and you just know it's liberals behind that infringement on my freedom.

  11. JustPixelz

    I assume she'll be telling the right-to-lifers to shut the fuck up because Roe v Wade is the law of the land too. Just like minimum wage laws. And the Affordable Care Act (aka "Obamacare").

  12. Joshua Norton

    Hell, if it's good enough for Michele and Marcus, it's damned well good enough for everybody else!!1!11!!1

    (I also understand they can't have anymore children – the way they do it.)

  13. BigDumbRedDog

    She just wants to make sure everyone else is trapped into a loveless, miserable sham of a marriage, just like her. That's only fair.

  14. LettucePrey

    I guess they didn't teach Loving v. Virginia or Zablocki v. Redhail at that fancy unaccredited Jesus law school.

  15. SorosBot

    So she basically just admitted to being a beard; either that or she's just too stupid to realize how her statement feeds into the common perception of Marcus.

    1. El Pinche

      I'm leaning toward the latter. I think she's too stupid to realize those young hot rentboys are not Marcus' golf caddies.

      1. widestanceshakedown

        Hey, now, he has a bad back, but not from getting reamed on car hoods, and lifting his own luggage requires way more personal responsibility than even a Republican can be expected to have.

  16. Goonemeritus

    Intelligent design isn’t the backed up by the scientific community yet she has found room in her heart to celebrating diversity there. I suggest Michele lets the free market work and lets gays of legal age choose who they would rather marry. Judging from her husbands choices some gay men may indeed chose the beard route.

  17. SheriffRoscoe

    Michele has the lawful right to do many things as well: marry Marcus, run for wingnut president, kiss my ass…..

  18. tihond

    Michele then went on to say "If man were meant to lay with another man, god would have given them a penis-sized hole."

  19. bebecca2298

    Thank you Captainess Obvious.

    What if you had been prohibited from marryin Marcus, the man of your dreams? Oh wait, that argument probably doesn't work here….

    1. prommie

      And we thought that band was somehow "cool." Until "hey 19," at least. "The fine co-lum-bian, makes tonight a wonderful thing." Gives me douche-chills.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      "No married gays in the promised land
      There's no holey ground, if you let them show;
      Any mandate in this Ego Grande
      Tells her "Queen of the World — as far as I know!"

    3. WootInTarnation

      And she might want to keep in mind, since she's "RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES!," that something will have to be done about Marcus:

      Bodacious cowboys
      Such as your friend
      Will never be welcome here
      High in the Custerdome

  20. mereoblivion

    In the alternate universe where I unfortunately get to spend far too little of my time (especially on weekdays), cameras and microphones are sentient beings who long ago ceased to acknowledge the existence of Mrs Marcus B.

  21. hagajim

    Maybe Michelle was just trying to tell the little high schooler how she and Marcus have worked the system. Get married straight and then assfuck away on the side.

    1. Biff

      And this is why she will flip her support to Newt when she finally realizes she's going nowhere in her campaign.

  22. Joshua Norton

    It's kind of obvious that God now realizes he should have given Adam more options. Especially since observing how badly the wingnutter fundies have fucked everything up.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    If gay folks could get married, then they would be able to take care of foster children.

    The Baby Farmer doesn't want the competition.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.

    Could a tenther please fucking explain to me how, if they don't find a right specifically enumerated in the Constitution, it doesn't exist? Because that's exactly what the Tenth Amendment covers — unless it comes to gay marriage or abortion or the right to protest the banks stealing your house, apparently.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Dammit, there I go again, shooting my keyboard off before I make sure of what I'm saying. Thanks.

    1. Crowe2011

      Putting on my retard hat for a moment, it's because certain concepts are presumed to not require formal definitions. So the words 'freely to assemble' aren't defined because their meaning is clear and unambiguous; freely to assemble not in parks, not with tents and for only a 3 hour period in parts of Texas. Similarly 'marriage' doesn't require definition because it clearly means the union of a man and a woman; the only people who dispute that are LBGT folks and as we all know they don't count.

      Seriously though, Marcus Bachmann availed himself of the right the law gives men to marry women, why can't other gay men do likewise?

  25. SheriffRoscoe

    So once a thing is the "law of the land" it should be forevermore set in stone, never to be altered? BREAKING: MICHELE BACHMANN IS PRO-ABORTION RIGHTS.

  26. notgross

    "They" can marry? Is Michelle encouraging plural marriage? I guess 2 guys could marry a girl and the 2 guys can go off an do whatever they want together…

  27. FidoMcCokefiend

    This is where my invention the "Clapper Taser" would have come in handy, when the retards clap each time to support their stupidity, they'd be tazed. Bro.

    1. cjlyc

      I would like to ask all those clappers how happy they would be when THEIR daughter marries a gay man. Or, like everything else in Fundyville, that only happens to other people.

  28. Baconzgood

    I love this woman. I hope she never leaves the news. Every time she talks it makes me laugh and cry at the same time. God did tell her to run. The God of snark.

    1. Negropolis

      And, truly, that god is an awesome, giving god. The snark god rarely taketh awayeth, let me tell you.

  29. anniegetyerfun

    I would love to see her eyes explode out of her head if someone actually kept pushing One L on this topic. "Oh, really? There was a time when Christians like you believed that interracial marriage was not the law of the land. Do you believe that?"

    I'm aware that there are people in Kentucky who still believe this.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Well we all know the Bible supersedes the Constitution, and since Michele is a Christian first and an American second, the LORD specifically informs her what the real law of the land is.

      Neat trick: substitute Qur'an/Muslim/Allah for Bible/Christian/LORD above and you turn instantly from a patriot to a traitor.

  30. smitallica

    "All of us as Americans have the same rights. We have the same civil rights."

    NO WE FUCKING DON'T, YOU CUNT!! THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!!!!

    1. WootInTarnation

      Psst, pass it on: I think she's trying to call us "un-American." There are Dominionists who believe that we queers should be transported to inhospitable places, much like the English did to criminals, the Irish, the Scots and the Roma,

      While England did a pretty good job, they've really got to give it up for STALIN! When he wasn't making some damn fine omelettes, he was chucking ethnic groups into cattle cars and sending them thousands of miles from their historical lands, usually to Siberia, but if you were lucky, you could get Kazahkstan. Or a gulag.

  31. Generation[redacted]

    It wasn't long ago in the South, interracial couples were also free to marry, just not to each other. What was MLK complaining about, anyway?

  32. Blueb4sunrise

    David Brooks is giving me 'the look of love'. I need to send him an email politely telling him that it can never be.

  33. LiveToServeYa

    OT: Look, Wonkette, I didn't object too much to Kortney's vegetables, but when you invite me to get IN DEPTH WITH DAVID BROOKS, you're approaching camel-back-breaking-straw level. What next, bedtime chatter novels from Ann Coulter?

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        They're just happy that Mrs. Cain is finally putting a chasity sock on Mister's willy. "We don't have to have sex with the Herman? ALRIGHT!!!"

      1. BlueStateLibel

        I believe the correct term among Cain's generation for women is "broads," as in "Broads for Cain."

  34. James Michael Curley

    Michele forgot that in the Great Plains Farming State of Iowa Kortney can finally marry that zuccini.

  35. THE_BOFFIN

    If Bachmann can marry a gay dude, why can't I? Not that I have anyone in mind but it would be nice to have the option.

  36. Tundra Grifter

    Notice how Ole Crazy Eyes works in the "special rights" lie.

    This makes as much sense as "the climate change science isn't settled," or "we need to teach all theories – grand design as well as evolution."

    Gay folks aren't asking for "special rights," Bitch. They are quite properly demanding their rights – same as everyone else has.

    If she actually knew anything about our nation's history – and I'm willing to grant that's quite a stretch – she'd know the ultimate cause of the American Revolution was the simple fact that Good King George would not recognize the Colonists as having the same rights as all other Englishmen.

    If the T-Baggers understood this, they'd think twice about what they are pushing these days. Kind of like those Southern planters teaching the slaves Biblical stories like Moses leading his people to freedom from bondage in Egypt.

    This shit can backfire on ya.

    Blowback can be a bitch. Bitch.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Notice how Ole Crazy Eyes works in the "special rights" lie.

      I wish the girl had answered – "The availability of same-sex marriage wouldn't create a special right. Straight people could marry someone of their own sex as much as gay people could."

  37. OneYieldRegular

    I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet this morning, but did I just hear Michele Bachmann admit that she's the beard?

  38. Tommy1733

    To me the most noteworthy part of this scene, aside from the courageous and well-spoken Jane Schmidt (three cheers for young heroes!!!) was the predictable "clap-clap-clap" that followed each of Bachmann's illogical talking points. Much as I do not respect her it is the ignorant stupidity of the people that is the problem. She only exists because of the people who support her and her brand of non-ideas. The real opposition to worthy causes like same-sex marraige are all around us, and each of us, if we believe in these things, needs to take it upon ourselves to find these neighbors friends and relatives and courteously lead them to the correct viewpoint.

  39. Callyson

    That high school girl asking her the questions is remarkably composed and mature. I don't think I could have resisted telling Shelly where she could shove her "same opportunity under the law" if she had fed me that crap of an answer…

  40. An_Outhouse

    I don't need better broadband but I do miss Courtney. Now when I visit the Wonkette, there is a wanted poster of a pedophile smirking at me. I wouldn't want to get 'In Depth' with him for any amount.

  41. real_dc_native

    Bachmann always reminds me of the Mark Twain quote: "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

  42. Ancient_Hacker

    Yep, Mz M, the law, in its exact equality, forbids both rich and poor from sleeping under bridges.

    Three cheeers for the law!

  43. Antispandex

    I honestly think I maybe understand this one. I think she means that it's sort of like how it's illegal to steal from a bank, but if congress gives your bank permission to steal, no problem! Really, if you don't understand it, you may not be a real American. Sorry.

  44. comrad_darkness

    Plucky teen should have said, "Gays should marry a member of the opposite sex? Like you and Marcus, you mean?"

  45. DetectiveGrey

    Somewhere out there, there's a conservative blog with the exact same headline as this post, word-for-word, 100% snark-free.

  46. chascates

    Anything but let them get gay-married! Via RightWingWatch:
    Buster Wilson, the General Manager of the American Family Association’s American Family Radio, yesterday on AFA Today told co-host Ed Vitagliano how marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples will ultimately lead to not just the legalization of polygamy but also legal approval of marriages to buildings, cars and dogs!

    1. comrad_darkness

      Funny, back when it was against the law of the land for someone black to marry someone white, they only feared it would lead to them not being racist bitches around later generations of pale skinned people who were "actually" black.

    2. Jerri

      I'm gonna marry the Capitol building since I'm apparently already being fucked by its member(s).

      Hey-O!

    3. natoslug

      So in the AFA's world, cars, buildings and dogs are capable of giving informed consent? Good to know. If I accidentally back over any of those fuckers 4 or 5 times, it wasn't me, it was my car — I had nothing to do with its well-reasoned choice to turn them into mangled shitstains.

    4. WootInTarnation

      They've vilified so many groups over time that now they can only reach for the preposterous.

      I love typing the word preposterous. I love saying it because it's just so fun to say it. I guess I have to be an upstanding person and say that I do appreciate the Republicans for their behavior, their current roster of candidates for Presidency, and vocal expressions that come out of their mouths. Expressions include Umms, Hyuks, Errs, Boos, recognized words and neologisms, and sometimes collections of words placed together in what could accurately be defined as a phrase or sentence if the words were clumped together in a structure that expressed a cohesive idea.

      So far, I've heard very few Rethug word-clumps that could pass as sentences. And so I thank them again for giving me another opportunity to use the word preposterous every single day, at any time of day. Mighty generous of 'em.

  47. WeHaveIssues

    Bullshit! The outrage! The gays will marry straight-up the day Bachmann marries a gay guy, OK?!? Oops…. wait a minute…. she already has. Rats.

  48. Sassomatic

    Has it crossed her mind at all that, although she seems to benefit from the arrangement, not every woman wants to be a beard?

  49. succalina

    Was Trigg/Tug/Tank drolling on the Judge's robe during court? Where the hell is that kid, anyway?

  50. fletc3her

    Nobody's saying the blacks can't get married to other blacks, they just can't steal our white women. Nobody's saying the homos can't get married to other homos they just can't steal our … straight … guys. No, that doesn't quite work, they can't marry the other homos, but they can steal the women. Or, I don't know. What's the problem again?

  51. ttommyunger

    I just figured out the look on Shelly's face: she's sporting a vibrating butt-plug in back and Bin-Wah Balls in the front, at all times.

  52. Negropolis

    Well, you know, this is something she has intimate knowledge of being in a straight marriage with a gay dude, and all. Really, won't someone, anyone ask her about her big, fat gay wedding, already?

    We wouldn't even care if this bitch wasn't such a hypocrite. This has gone from being funny, to angering, to just plain sad.

  53. Poindexter718

    The Affordable Care Act is also the "law of the land" and I look forward to Rep. Bachmann-Crazy-Overdrive's unquestioning support of it when she returns to Congress full time (in about six weeks).

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