*BLINKS* *BLINKS AGAIN*NEW YORK—Big news this morning out of the Bureau of Labor Statistics: the unemployment rate dropped! Like, a lot! People without jobs are now at the lowest number they’ve been at since six months or so after the economy fell off a cliff (which, it should be noted, still remains at an astoundingly high 13.3 million people without jobs).

Except wait, hold up: these modestly, ever so slightly reassuring numbers have a few (you guessed it) qualifications. Because, you know, the economy needs to add 90,000 jobs every single month just to keep up with population growth, which means it’s totally fair if you’re scratching your head right now trying to figure out how 90,000 of those 120,000 new jobs could keep up with population growth leaving the remaining 30,000 to lop a whopping four tenths of a percent off the unemployment rate.

Well! The answer to this, as it always is with these things, appears to be “it’s complicated.” So first the bad news: 315,000 people gave up looking for work. But on the other hand, nearly 400,000 of the “effectively unemployed” became “employed.”

But moving on: Martha Coakley, everyone! The woman who couldn’t keep Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat from falling into the hands of a nude Cosmo model is quickly winning back the hearts and minds of Massachusetts voters by bringing the pain on Bank of America, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan Chase and a handful of other sleazy lenders (fun fact for other foreclosure watchers: the suit also targets MERS)

In a shocking late-week development, Democrats in Congress are showing early signs of maybe beating the Republican caucus at something (for once?) as the debate over the middle-class payroll tax cut continues to heat up. We’ll have to do our best not to let it sour our enthusiasm that here we are yet again watching Democrats only muster up the nerve to take on Republicans by co-opting a Republican issue (holler, DLC!), but hey, a win’s a win!

And it’s making for some great political theater! Because the tax-and-spend party is pushing hard for a tax cut that the Norquist Caucus is opposing for “some reason” (trans. “rich people”), and somehow out of nowhere the GOP has decided that this tax cut has to be… paid for? Which begs the question: who are these imposters are and what they’ve done with the Republican party?!

And speaking of imposters: who is this Grover Norquist person and what has he done with the real Grover Norquist? Because some man claiming to be Grover Norquist has reportedly said that allowing the payroll tax cut to expire would not be a tax increase. Which is all very confusing? Because apparently letting the Bush tax cuts sunset is? In any event, we’re not convinced this Grover Norquist is the real Grover Norquist. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

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  • Barb

    Hey Newt, what is the unemployment rate of 12 and 13 year-olds? Don't let those little slackers off the hook.

  • So first the bad news: 315,000 people gave up looking for work.

    It sucks out there. We all know it.

  • Terry

    Grover Norquist is an asshole. Nothing else needs to be said about him.

    • MrFizzy

      He is an asshole, but he wouldn't get his way if these feckless repubelickin congress people didn't sign a pledge that he created. Ultimately, it's the ignorance of the electorate in their districts that rules. Most mercans are just stupid.

    • chicken_thief

      The dumb fuck has been parading that Pledge around for years and everyone with a brain just ignored him. Then, the libtards had to go and elect a Kenyan as POTUS so, of course, that means that dumb fuck Norquist suddenly makes sense.

      • GOPCrusher

        I don't like to wish hateful shit on people ( * snort * ), but Grover Norquist is one person that I would like to see caught up in some kind of bizarre bestiality, Satan worshipping, meth-fueled atrocity so horrific that cause Republiklans to break ankles trying to put distance between themselves and him.

        • Negropolis

          Well, he is married to an Arab or something, which might as well be as bad as those other things as far as the base is usually concerned. I'm not sure why that hasn't disqualified him within the Republican Party base.

    • Yeppers. Round, red, and stained about the edges.

    • Not_So_Much

      Happens every time you name a kid after a muppet — never ends well.

      • dinkybossetti

        So I shouldn't name my firstborn "Animal?"

    • ttommyunger

      Left out "unprincipled".

  • Speaking of assholes, here's the Washington Post (not an editorial, a front page "news" story):

    Newt Gingrich as president could turn the White House into an ideas factory

    • hagajim

      That might be the funniest headline I've read in my lifetime!

      • SorosBot

        I guess you missed this one then:

        Bachmann: Gays ‘can marry a woman if they’re a man’

        She finally admits it.

        • Barb

          I watched her say this to the student. Her voice could not have been more terse when she said it and made me wonder what kind of foster mom she really was.

          • Not_So_Much

            NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!

          • GOPCrusher

            Yeah, I kind of keep waiting for that one foster child to come forward and describe life in the Bachmann household that makes Joan Crawford look like Mother Teresa.

    • Master Janitor V572

      Newtie, here's an idea: go fuck yourself and die. You may implement this with or without crediting V572625694.

    • Hahahahahahaha!

    • jodyleek

      A rubber dog shit factory IS a factory, yes siree!

    • Well, it doesn't say they would be good ideas.

    • Yep. As the NYT piece linked here a few days back put it, Newt gets painted as "a visionary who traffics in ideas not influence." Kind of like saying Callista married him for his brain not his body, which conceals a half-truth: if Newt's will power is malleable enough under *her* influence to convert to her religious denomination, buy her more bling, & carry around her freakin' French horn case for her — then maybe we should be worried about his ability to be influenced by the power of suggestion. Idiots like those writing this Post euphemistic dreck are forgetting tools like Newt are more betrayed by their actions when they conflict w/ their morally bankrupt verbiage.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I'm thinking he could tap Bill Kristol as his chief of staff. He has lots of ideas, too, and all wrong, too.

      • LesBontemps

        Newt's submission to the power of pussy is already well documented.

    • El Pinche

      Idea factory? Are you sure they didn't mean "kolache" factory?

    • paris biltong

      Probably would be a sweathouse, employing child labor.

      • GOPCrusher

        Manufacturing push brooms for janitors.

    • Zombie_Reagan

      Of course, common sense dictates that just because someone proposes an "idea", it does not follow that said "idea" is: (a) intelligent; (b) practical; or (c) capable of being implemented.

    • crybabyboehner

      You know who else had a factory? And white hair?

      Andy Warhol.

      But seriously this is why the Post is going out of business.

      • Negropolis

        You know who else had a factory, and white hair, and child labor?

        Yep. Willie Wonka.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, a bullshit factory. We already have more than enough of those. He'd just outsource the work to China, anyway, as is the Republican wont.

    • freddymcmurray

      I think they meant wife factory. Where else is he gonna get more robots like that?

  • BklynIlluminati

    so wait we are winning again? I'm supposed to cheer right? I um forgot it's been so long since i have not been brow beat by the GOP for screwing up the counntry

  • Today's GOPers, the new Jeremy Benthams…

    "The needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many… even tax cuts."

  • SorosBot

    Republicans might be insincere about their stated goals? That's the most shocking thing I've ever read! PS I was just built 15 minutes ago.

  • hagajim

    we’re not convinced this Grover Norquist is the real Grover Norquist

    The real Grover Norquist is an asshole and a bane on America, the end.

    • Master Janitor V572

      Is it Norquist, or the morans who signed his "pledge"?

  • WeHaveIssues

    H-E-L-L-O… Christmas season, temporary jobs, after January 1 it's bye-bye. Why is everyone getting so hot and bothered as if these are "real" jobs? See you at the mall.

    • Tommmcattt

      Wait, you're saying that all 120,000 job are low-paying, temporary seasonal employment? What do you think this is, Texas?

    • onemoretime79

      You'll see me at the mall, begging for your spare change.

    • Negropolis

      This was above regular seasonal hirings, even, apparently.

  • MildMidwesterner

    These unemployment numbers are BAD NEWS! Who's going to comment on Wonkette if everyone starts working again?

    • Barb

      The homeless, alcoholics, people stuck wearing ankle monitors…..

    • Master Janitor V572

      Goof-offs with internet access, just like the good old days! (That's the real secret cause of the crash)

    • BigDumbRedDog

      What are you talking about? Am I not supposed to be on the Wonkette at work?

    • kaiamursi

      Mitt Romney was seen this morning wailing, "Who let the jobs out? Who who who who…."

    • Isn't this why telecommuting was invented? Instead of 3 hours a day at the water cooler and the soda machine, our social work interaction is online snark and buttsechs. If I weren't talking with you assholes, I'd have to talk with the ones I work with.

  • This Grover Norquist moment brought to you by the number "666"…and by the letter "FUCK YOU GROVER NORQUIST."

  • lefty74

    "Norquist Caucus" sounds like a new strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

    • Biff

      Nope, it's the same old clap. Gotcha!

    • ThundercatHo

      Unresponsive to conventional antibiotics. Use a flame-thrower.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Grover Norquist can bite my big red butt. Yep, leave it to me to bring the insightful political analysis to the table. Maybe this is why none of my relatives every want to talk politics with me?

  • Master Janitor V572

    Can we please trot out the clips of various GOPers saying "tax cuts don't need to be paid for" and "tax cuts pay for themelves" and run them 7/24? And if "economist" Laffer is still around perhaps he could explain his "curve" again.

    • Oh, he's around. Guess which governor (hint: #heblowsalot) has Laffer working on a secret proposal to cut the upper bracket state income tax rates?

      Yup. No shit.

  • Goonemeritus

    Clearly President Ronald Reagan deserves credit for this turn around.

  • What they say: Lenders, however, said they were disappointed about the litigation at a time when negotiations are moving forward.

    What they mean: Just as we were about to get everything we wanted, someone someone points out that we were getting everything we wanted.

  • GregComlish

    Yesterday Boehner said the tax cut was actually a "spending increase" and therefore had to be paid for.

    • chicken_thief

      And then, to prove his point, he cried hysterically. Again.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Funny how tax cuts need to be paid for now that Obama is President. Where was Boner for the eight years Dumbya was in charge?

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    On the other hand, fuck all the Republicans who have gathered in Norquist's little tree fort and breathlessly made a blood pledge to have America take it up the ass by a fistful of mega-rich donors.

  • CZL

    God fucking dammit it does not beg a question. To beg a question is to include a premise that contains the answer. It's an example of a fallacy.

    You meant to say, "raises the question.".

    Wonkette, I come for the snark, but I will be damned if you will abuse the Queen's English in this fashion.

    • MozakiBlocks

      Lighten up Francis

    • paris biltong

      May I point out that "I will be damned if you will…" is a nonsensical construction.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Nile Gardiner, that you?

    • Those of us who aren't queens, however, are still permitted to beg for questions and plead for sex, right?

    • Chichikovovich

      If you post on Wonkette you will be damned in any event.

    • Negropolis

      Someone get this man or woman or whatever-the-fuck a fainting couch and smelling salts, stat! I do believe it has come down with the vapors.

      Drama much?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Is this Grover the Sesame Street puppet? Somebody must have his hand up his ass, but who?

    • chicken_thief

      I believe that would be a Koch up his ass, but Marcus will verify.

  • memzilla

    Grover Norquist is a stubbly suppurating fistula of anti-American vitriol.

  • EatsBabyDingos is available. We should set up a Super Pac, solicit donations to ransack America, and live large off the lie. Ethically, I'm okay with ripping off these douchenuts.

    • freakishlywrong would indeed ransack America, and live large, that's not a lie.

  • MrFizzy

    I'm guessing the body bag and jewelry industries will be hiring if Newton gets to be president. Same for the industry that advises people on how to emigrate to Costa Rica from the U.S.

    • Biff

      Not to mention those crime scene janitorial companies, the ones that clean up brain splatter after the suicides.

  • freakishlywrong

    Has Sarah, Boner or the Twatwaffle tweeted anything ugly about the jobs report yet?

    • GOPCrusher

      I think Speaker Drunky McNicotinestain and the usual Band of Idiots are penning a letter to the nation's companies, warning them to stop hiring people or suffer the political consequences.

  • El Pinche

    FUCKIN A! I was trying to come up with an excuse to start drinkin early this AM.

    • Jose Cuervo (Perry's favorite) or Don Julio?

      • El Pinche

        Cazadores . always.

  • I can't believe that I'm saying this, but let those mothereffin' tax cuts expire!

    • Biff

      As much as I hate myself for adding, ALL of them…

    • GOPCrusher

      The Republiklan Meme on the tax cuts, are that they aren't really tax cuts, but taking money away from Social Security.
      So i guess Republiklans are in favor Social Security again.

  • freakishlywrong

    If we had a genuine media, the question of why do middle class tax cuts have to be paid for, while those for the rich are put on the credit card might be asked of some of these assclowns. But we don't, so, we'll ask it here.

    • Puffperney

      To my knowledge no American media person has asked an R. why "middle class tax cuts have to be paid for" unlike the beaucoup tax cuts for the rich and the corps.

      I think that English guy (was on Britain has Talent, cannot think of his name) who has that daily interview show on CNN might just be new enough to the country to ask that question. Assuming he gets an R. on his non-Fox show.

  • Ruhe

    Perhaps all of Norquist's talk of "drowning the government in a bathtub" was just a subtle way of publicly expressing a very dark sexual fantasy. And perhaps while acting out that fantasy with some unfortunate partner Grover himself was actually drowned. So, the guy we are seeing now is an emergency drone whose main purpose is to show up and then die in some dignified way, saving face for Norquist and the Party. Unfortunately the drone has started talking and is making a mess of things.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, it's the same dude — he's been an asshole since before the flood, but he just has to change excuses this time.

  • Elliot Spitzer was the last Attorney General of a large state to bring the pain to the banks and all that happened to him was getting caught with an overpriced hooker and destroying his political career. Maybe Martha plans to retire from public life after this term as AG.

    • paris biltong

      Chilling, isn't it. They're probably parsing over her Carrier IQ data right now and plotting her demise.

    • Negropolis

      Martha seems like a sensible woman. I'd guess that her hooker scandal would involve sensibly priced, B-list, medically tested hookers.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Growing the number of jobs is particularly difficult right now because the GNoP insists on cutting government.

    For example – the GNoP'eers are trying to force Mr. Obama to reduce the size of the Federal employment roll by 10%. That's a wacking large number of people who won't have jobs.

    Federal aid to state and local governments has been cut – forcing the layoffs of teachers, police persons, et. al.

    The T-Baggers want to shrink the size of government – while never admitting this reduces the number of available jobs in the good old US of A.

    Yet Mr. Obama continues to push forward, some of the early stimulus spending is finally bearing fruit (as opposed to just green shoots) and things continue to look up for November 2012.

  • paris biltong

    "A Republican alternative, which would have extended the current more modest tax cut and slashed the federal payroll to pay for it, was rejected 78 to 20, with more than half of Republicans opposed."
    78 to 20 = beaten by more than eight touchdowns, many of them scored by their own team.

  • smitallica

    See, libtards? The GOP's job-creating programs of protecting "In God We Trust" and defunding NPR, Planned Parenthood, the National Parks and the EPA are WORKING! Suck it, morans!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      That Solyndra investigation is working its economic magic. Also. Too.

  • DaRooster

    "… oh yeah… I'll get rid of the Bureau of Labor Statistics! That's the third one!"

    -Rick Parry

  • DaRooster

    I had a Norquist Caucus once… penicillin therapy…

  • fuflans

    today on this day the senate voted to censure joseph mccarthy.

    good times.

    • Nowadays he'd be nominated by his party for the Medal of Freedom – with Scare the Fuck out of Everybody Clusters.

  • DaRooster

    Herm Cain should be the president… there won't be any white women without jobs anyway.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Stop fucking.

    Population growth solved.

    • Guppy

      You're not Catholic, are you?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Okay, I think I can parse Norquist's 1984-type logic with a little help from Frank Luntz, to wit:

    Letting the payroll tax cut expire is not a "tax increase" but is, instead, "incentivizing hardworking Americans to become more hardworking." However, allowing the Bush tax cuts to sunset is a "tax increase" because it "hampers the optimal monetization of job creator assets."

    What do I win?

    • PubOption

      A job as a management consultant.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Hey, America can use new ideas on how dump your old sick wife for a younger, sexier model. These things are important. Could even stimulate the economy. Jewelry stores could see a significant uptick.

  • SayItWithWookies

    But Norquist differed. “For the president to run around and say not continuing a temporary tax cut is an increase is inaccurate,” he said in an interview after the closed-door meeting with the lawmakers.

    This needs to be repeated every time a Republican opposes letting the Dubya tax cuts for the rich die.

  • I'm confused, but this is bad for the Repubs, isn't it?
    (That's all I need to know.)

  • Guppy

    If you read the fine print of the Norquist pledge, you'd see that it's about cutting taxes for him. Since this tax cut doesn't affect him in any way, signers are free to fuck over the peons as much as their black hearts desire.

  • user-of-owls

    Saw the headline and was gonna post the mega-banner headline on Fox for the ha ha ha's. Just what one would expect, i.e., Good News…NOT! So Fucking What With the Drop in the Unemployment Number That We Have Harped About 24/7, Now It Doesn't Matter Because 315K Gave Up Looking So Actually This Is Apocalyptic (update: the fuckers replaced it already).

    But the ha ha ha's sorta sag when essentially that was the message up top.

  • Antispandex

    So, I was talking to my wingnutty in-laws, and they say that if people want jobs, they should just go out and get one! I would just love the chance to post their phone number so people could call to ask them where to get these jobs, but I have a feeling they would just wind up as confused as I am.

  • miss_grundy

    When he said that ten year olds could serve as assistant librarians I just about lost it. For those who may not know, like Gingrich. not everyone who works in a library is a librarian. As an ex-librarian I can tell you that in order to apply for a librarian position, you need to have a Master's degree in Library Science from an ALA (American Library Association) accredited university. Librarians ARE professionals. They are not governesses or au pairs. I wanted to slap this guy around in the 90s and I want to do it again now!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What school did this alleged "professor" work at, that he knows so little about libraries?

      • miss_grundy

        Probably the Republican one in Virginia or perhaps Glenn Beck University. In order for teaching faculty to get tenure, you have to publish articles or books that are FACTUAL, not like that garbage that Bill-O writes. (He got a whole bunch of facts wrong in the Lincoln assassination and at least he has gotten some hell for it but it hasn't stopped his fans from buying the book.) Which means that you have to conduct research, as in LIBRARY research unless it is scientific and then you conduct research in your lab but since articles are anonymously peer-reviewed for publication you can't get away with the fallacies that these Republican clowns say on a daily basis.

  • sbj1964

    Newt Gingrich? Way to go GOP ! And who better to represent the party,and dispel the cliche that Republicans are nothing but a bunch of old fat,selfish,corrupt, rich, white guys.

  • Crowe2011

    "Because some man claiming to be Grover Norquist has reportedly said that allowing the payroll tax cut to expire would not be a tax increase." – No, 'tax' in Norquist's vernacular only refers to taxes rich people pay. Therefore if he says "we need to cut taxes" he means things like capital gains (if you're not familiar, 'capital gains' is a way of making income which isn't called income, which you didn't have to work for and which is taxed at a lower rate) and inheritance tax (you might know it as a 'death tax' because it's a tax paid by rich inheritors on their inheritance, otherwise known as income they didn't have to work for). Why? Because taxes on the rich make people less productive by taking away their money they had to work for (re-read the above). Whereas pay-roll tax isn't paid by rich people so isn't a 'tax'. See? Makes perfect sense. Now bend over so Fox can insert their talking points in you to make you think that up is down and somehow the GOP position is fair.

  • datateday

    Thanks to that .gif, I can win a staring contest with Newt Gingrich any time I want!

  • lulzmonger

    Plainly, tax-cuts are no longer enough to save Amurka from Kenyan Usurpers.

    GOP to propose mandatory layoff-quotas in 5 … 4 … 3 …

  • ttommyunger

    As is common knowledge here in Georgia, Grover Norquist is the spawn of a late-night sweaty encounter behind a Waffle House dumpster between Newt Gingrich and Lucianne Goldberg, as is his brother, Jonah Goldberg. Look it up.

  • Negropolis

    A number of local elected officials here in Michigan sued MERS, but our bought-and-paid-for wingnut supreme court (I know "WTF, Michigan?") ruled that they were doing everything above board, the bastards. Good to see an AG going after their morally bankrupt — and most important, illegal — asses.

    Good to see that Martha Coakley isn't Martha Koch-ley.

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