He's going into v-fib!About four or five sexually-based allegations ago, a novelty news station in Atlanta commissioned a fancy private investigator with his fancy lie-detecting software to rifle through the various non-sequiturs Herman Cain offered during his November 8 press conference denying said allegations to see if it could detect any inadvertent molecules of truth. Most everyone can sort of go “haha, okay” at this human (?) interest story that some news producer short on time and also short on ideas slapped together to fill air between car commercials. It’s funny, that people who call themselves “body language experts” and “lie detector professional enthusiasts” exist and can be summoned for skits like this and so forth, and you should definitely watch the clip after the jump. Quick note to Herman Cain supporters, though: AVOID MAKING THIS RIDICULOUS LOCAL NEWS BIT INTO A CAMPAIGN AD FOR YOUR DUDE!

There are a lot of stupidly moving parts to this fiasco, so let’s start from the beginning.

In the news clip, private eye “TJ Ward” loads a (purportedly) $15,000 bit of software onto a bank of supercomputers made of old tires and marbles. Boom, pow, splat, gurgle, and voila! A magical algorithm uses the smooth baritone audio from Herman Cain’s press conference to shoot out a bunch of squigglies from which Ward then derives the following unassailable conclusion:

“If he is hiding something, this thing would have spiked way down here,” said Ward.  “He is being truthful, totally truthful.  He is a man with integrity and he talked directly about not knowing any incident he is accused of.”

Sounds totally unbiased! The same program then processes the press conference of Cain Accuser #J7685 (i.e., the first blond one, Sharon Bialek) and CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH pronounces her a ruthless lying attention whore!

Nonetheless, we are forced to count this as a victory for lie-detectin’ pseudoscience everywhere. Not only did (“the only official campaign of Herman Cain for President”) prominently link to the original CBS Atlanta story pretty much as soon as it came out, but now a Cain support group (the non-sexy kind) is using this teevee story in a glitzy new ad, starring “one of the foremost lie detector experts in America.”

Okay, quit it with this campaign already. The schmucks will still buy your books, geez. [Gawker; CBS Atlanta]

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  • Tengu

    Herman Cain has just announced that he's dropping out of the race to spend more time with your wife.

    • Herman Cain is gonna kiss da baby.

      • Biff

        He has an extremely long tongue, is what you're saying.

      • Not my baby, he ain't.

      • Negropolis

        That has got to be code for something, right?

    • tihond

      Well, someone has to.

    • DaRooster

      I thought she was screaming, "Rock me like a HURRICANE!"… my bad.

    • rocktonsam

      spending most of his time ducking ash trays and frying pans being thrown at him.

      "its ok baby, just don't go to sleep."

    • bflrtsplk

      My wife been actin' kinda funky lately. You don't suppose ….. Nah. Couldn't be. Right?

    • Terry

      …who has already consulted a divorce lawyer and will serve him with papers as soon as the spotlight is off them.

  • littlebigdaddy

    What does the machine do when he says becky-becky-becky-stan-stan? Explode?

    • GhostBuggy

      It awards him the presidency, which is then certified by SCOTUS.

    • CthuNHu

      You mean when he forgets who his consort of the moment's name is?

  • Get this:

    When you input ALL of these allegations into an iPhone 4S, Suri immediately comes back and says "da bitches are lyin'"

    • Trannysurprise

      Maybe we can use this moment to teach Suri just exactly what an abortion is.

      • I thought the answer to that was "Herman Cain"?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Fucker used to be a CEO – he's a professional liar with a stuffed crust.

    Incidentally, did you notice when Captain Truth was playing the woman's voice through his magickal voiceprint gizmo, he had the sex of the voice set to "male"? Nice work, Mr Expert.

    • He'll stuff your crust any time, baby.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Not just a CEO — a lobbyist and a pastor too. Which is why he's running for president — it's not like there are many more career options left.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Gah! Didn't see that setting until I watched the ad, where it's almost highlighted. No one noticed it, not "expert" or editor/reporter/cameraman/intern at local station nor Cain campaign or ad guy. Wonderful.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Coulda fooled me. Sounds just like Chaz Bono.

  • memzilla

    All this proves is that Herman Cain has the same "Beat The Polygraph" skills that the KGB taught their double agents (Klaus Fuchs, Aldrich Ames, Robert Hanssen, et al.). After all, it's not a lie if you convince yourself it's true.

    • jodyleek

      Or, worse yet, narcissists and psychopaths don't feel any sort of shame or cognitive dissonance when they tell a lie (which cause stress, which "lie detectors" detect). So, Hermie's got that goin' for him, which is nice.

    • Negropolis

      All he has to do is say nein, nein, nein…

      I saw nuszing!

  • dadanarchist

    The only way the Herman Cain campaign could be any more hilarious is if they hired Orly Taitz as a spokeswoman.

    • Conflict of interest: He can't hire her – he's dating her!

      • friendlyskies

        Oh, "dating" is what they call it nowadays?

        • Well, SOME Wonketeerz are opposed to the enthusiastic overusage of terms like "fucking like bunnies," y'know.

          • GhostBuggy

            Who are these people? I don't believe it.

          • How come Pox Ooze anal-lysts get away with saying that shit alla time? And I try it ONE LOUSY TIME, and get called on it?

    • Orly Taitz for Attorney General! No matter which one of these fools is nominated, they OWE her.

    • Negropolis

      Make it Muhammad Saeed "Baghdad Bob" al-Sahhaf, and it would even better:

      On April 7, 2003, two days before Baghdad fell to US forces, al-Sahhaf claimed that there were no American troops in Baghdad, and that the Americans were committing suicide by the hundreds at the city's gates. His last public appearance as Information Minister was on April 8, 2003, when he said that the Americans "are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks. They will surrender, it is they who will surrender".

      Ah, those were the days. Good, ole Baghdad Bob.

      • Terry

        Yeah, whatever happened to old Bob? Oh, that's right…

    • OneDollarJuana

      "C'mon, Orly. You want the job dontcha?"

  • "Everything I tell you is a lie except when I say something stupid."

  • gullywompr

    Speaking of sexual harrassment, where in the hell is Sara Benincasa these days?

    • Terry

      Hopefully, she's fabulously employed.

  • coolhandnuke

    And that fancy gizmo can also find Labia on a map.

  • tihond

    The thing the lie detector reader doesn't tell you… Cain's voice is turning the computer on.

  • memzilla

    Of course Herman Cain's political ads have a happy ending!

  • Wilcoxyz

    Can't we just strap some sensors to Cain's penis and show him photos of the women? And we can use the gun-toting chick from Arizona as a control group.

    • coolhandnuke

      Were you to perform this enhanced lie-detection on me using a photo of Jan Brewer, my wang would turtle so deep it wouldn't see sunlight til 2025.

      • I know what you mean, brother. She's the kind of woman who'll make any creature's genitalia travel all up to the back of they haid.

      • RadioYKWE

        Or Rexella Van Impe.

  • philpjfry

    It doesn't mean he is not lying, it means he doesn't know he is lying. Next job, clown for little kids birthday parties

    • Please tell me you wouldn't leave this jerk alone with your little kids. Or I'll have to call CPS.

    • OneDollarJuana

      At least Newt and Mitt know they are lying.

  • datateday

    The lie detector man looks and sounds like a fatter Mark Block. Relatives, perhaps? Also, The 999 plan is not easy to understand- not, at least, after the MANY concessions Herman Cain had to make for real world fiscal policy. Sorry, there.

  • edgydrifter

    He's got 99 problems but the truth ain't one.

    • tihond

      If Cain ever appears at a campaign event playing "99 Problems," he will have won life.

  • RadioYKWE

    First question: Does your pizza taste like shit?

    • Biff

      If so, turn it over.

  • ttommyunger

    Polygraph Operator: What Barbers turned to when they judged "Hair Stylist" to be too challenging for them.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Wiring up Hermie to a lie detector could be comedy gold, when you think about it

    Interviewer: Can you point to Libya on a map?
    Herman: Yep
    [machine flips out like a seismograph during lomo prieta]
    Interviewer: Does you know the relative effects of the 9-9-9 plan on the poor as opposed to the wealthy?
    Herman: Yep
    [machine catches fire]

    • Lucidamente1

      Interviewer: Since you've been married, have you ever had sex with a woman other than your wife?
      Herman: No.
      [machine knocks planet Earth out of regular orbit]

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Adding comments has been disabled for this video.

    • Barrelhse

      I suppose they heard that Wonkette linked it.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Hell, they're scared of Emma from Kansas.

        • Generation[redacted]

          They're worried someone might say "tax the rich" instead of "take from hardworking Americans"

  • OneYieldRegular

    Have they commissioned a phrenological examination for the members of Herman's harem yet?

    • fletc3her

      Herman Cain is so old school he inhales phlogiston and exhales fixed air.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Transmits his messages through the ether.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Is that why they put me to sleep?

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            That'd be the rohypnol.

    • Ruhe

      Herman offered to do this but the ladies demurred as Herman prefers to use his especially sensitive "stylus" for this exam as opposed to simply using his fingers.

  • Callyson

    The investigator in that CBS Atlanta "news" story is claiming that voice analysis shows that Cain is being honest and Bialek lied. The idea is that a person with low stress levels in his/her voice is likely telling the truth, while one with high stress levels is probably not telling the truth.
    In fact, as Wikipedia'­s entry on voice stress analysis notes, research on the efficacy of this technique is mixed at best.
    Not impressed. But somewhat amused…

  • chascates

    the only hope for Cain would be the Way Back Machine.

    • Beowoof

      I am pretty sure Mr. Peabody would bite this guy before he let him use it.

  • Guppy

    The only way to "sniff the truth" of these matters:

    (not it!)

    • CountryClubJihadi

      Well, Herman Cain is AM IN HER CAN, so Gloria best be careful if she uses this technique when he gets home.

    • Rotundo_

      For the Win! 500 years from now if humans still inhabit the earth, this will be classical music playing on the NPR classic music stations of the future.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Does that body language expert think everyone in every movie/tv show he watches are really the people they say they are, since they don't show any signs they're not telling the truth?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Hook this machine up to an episode of Lie to Me, and watch it explode.

  • mayor_quimby

    If anybody has any amusing signs that you'd like me to post in front of this station, or at their numerous 6pm live shots, I will be glad to, CBS46 is on my commute. And the fact that Forsyth county uses this software is no shock. That's the county that Oprah had her anti-KKK march in, in the 80's. Kinda an old fashioned a sundown town, or more like a drive-around-the-county place.
    CBS46 is contstantly straddling the line between we want to be ABC Eyewitness like channel 2, and still having to promote their murder porn drama primetime lineup.
    Check out their morning show ad, they're 'edgy' they have fake tattoos.
    Local news, truly makes you stupid.

  • Extemporanus

    You know how you tell when Herman Cain is lying?

    Her lips are moving.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I guess she wanted the job.

    • mourningnmerica

      Funny is funny. That was fuckin' funny.

    • CapnFatback

      I miss this on a regular basis.

      The Extemper-anal, that is. Not the lip moving.


  • Bluestatelibel

    When you're running for any elected office, and you have to resort to ads with lie-detecting "experts" showing you're not lying , don't you kind of think it's over?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      These are people who will take 'oaths' to whatever batshit crap some frothing cheetos whore has suggested.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Chester "Grover" Norquist?

    • smitallica

      Almost as bad as having to resort to ads saying you are not a witch.

  • LettucePrey

    Ha ha, $15,000 to get hooked up to a low-rent lie detector? Just go get a "complimentary stress test" at your local Scientology Center for free!

  • If he is hiding something, this thing would have spiked way down here

    How about if it spikes upward like the Herminator's mighty penis whenever a woman gets within 10 feet of him

    • poncho_pilot

      what strange divining rod is this?

  • __kth__

    I passed a polygraph at the department store warehouse I worked at in high school. I told the examiner that I never stole stuff or came to work drunk/high/all of them Katie, and that stupid machine actually believed me.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Now THAT'S the kind of polygraphing I can get behind! Awesome.

    • Negropolis

      You submitted yourself to a polygraph test?! Don't ever do that, again, you hear me?

      Seriously, this junk science pisses me off. lol

    • RadioYKWE

      I call bullshit….you liar!

    • DaRooster

      So… same machine huh?

  • DaRooster

    So… if I give someone 15 grand and they say, "He's telling the truth." everyone should believe it?
    How about if I give someone a 6 pack? Does that make them less credible?

  • Not only did (“the only official campaign of Herman Cain for President”) prominently link to the original CBS Atlanta story pretty much as soon as it came out

    Yeah, well my website,, sez he's a lying pussy hound.

  • If Johnny Carson were still alive, Herman could do a commercial featuring Carnac the Great.

    Carnak [holding envelope to turbanned head}: "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

    Ed McMahon: "And the answer, kept in an envelope inside a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar in Melvin Laird's tacoburger stand…."

    Carnac [tearing open envelope and blowing into it]: "What are Herman Cain's nicknames for his penis and testicles?"

    • Dok-cupy Everything


    • BarackMyWorld


    • Blueb4sunrise

      May a deranged camel decorate your pizza with a thousand droppings.

  • $15,000? That's a lot of Magic 8-balls, which would have been just as accurate. Or a few less 8-balls, which would still be a more realistic candidate than Cain.

    • Shoulda used Magic 9 Balls™, three of 'em.

      • A third ball might explain Cain's constant need to force the sexytimez.

  • Generation[redacted]

    At $15k, emeters are expensive, but I feel better knowing Herman's thetan levels are within the normal range.

  • EdFlintstone

    I haven't seen that kind of rock solid evidence since Colin Powell at the U.N..

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      I've always felt a little sorry for Colin Powell. He always struck me as the sane man in the room full of lunatics; a man with integrity. Then he did that whole UN thing and fucked himself forever. Sold himself out.

      This article kinda sums it up:

      Much of the initial information for Mr Powell's speech to the UN was provided by the Pentagon, where Paul Wolfowitz, the US deputy defence secretary, set up a special unit, the Office of Special Plans, to counter the uncertainty of the CIA's intelligence on Iraq.

      Mr Powell's team removed dozens of pages of alleged evidence about Iraq's banned weapons and ties to terrorists from a draft of his speech, US News and World Report says today. At one point, he became so angry at the lack of adequate sourcing to intelligence claims that he declared: "I'm not reading this. This is bullshit," according to the magazine.

      And yet he did it.

      • Steverino247

        Because Harry Belafonte was right about him.

      • Chichikovovich

        Since the 31-year old Colin Powell was the first army officer tasked to investigate the My Lai massacre, and ignored it, I think we can safely assume he's been a company man from the beginning.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          I had no idea. Once again the wonkette comrades are edifying.

          • RadioYKWE

            And this neglected hero too, also.

  • sbj1964

    Who are Herman Cain's supporters ? " What a black man would cheat on his wife "? No way Tiger ! Never happens!

    • Barrelhse

      Herman Cain's supporters are made by Bike and kept in his sock drawer.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, at this point, Herman Cain has been accused of showing unwanted attention to women than all of the OWS gatherings combined.

    And that's the truth.

  • mavenmaven

    Herman who? (is it too early?)

  • Mwahahahahahaha! Gasp! Wheeze. Repeat.

    • So he was sexting her, sending her dough to "help with monthly expenses", etc., but there was no affair because he's "soft-hearted" and totally altruistic… sure.

  • Antispandex

    Any chance of using this on Newt?

  • poncho_pilot


  • poncho_pilot


    i love the use of the Nickelodeon-style camera below the crowd sweeping upward. makes me think Cain should be rolling around in a kiddie pool full of Santorum looking for a red flag.

  • Steverino247

    (Excuse the repost, but it's on topic here)

    Cain: If my Presidential campaign is going to die for a word, my word in "Poontang."

  • Negropolis

    SNL, The Onion, and the rest just need to pack it up and go home. There is nothing, anymore, that they could make up that hasn't already happened or is soon to happen in the Republican primary. Game over, man; game over.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Totally and utterly OT, but this is one of the comedic-value articles thrown up by the new Wikipedia fund drive.

    My apologies to the lady with 549 wiki articles.

  • Objection, Your Honor. I demand a Daubert hearing.

    Seriously, what the fuck.

  • Her genitals are inaccurate? Whoa..

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well that settles it — if Herman Cain is crafty enough to fool three local tv news people and a pet psychic with $15,000 in software, the path to the nomination is pretty much clear sailing.

  • user-of-owls

    So the little squigglies didn't move up and down. I guess we can officially say Herm's campaign has flat-lined.

  • I like when the lady goes full robot at the end of the ad.

  • It all makes sense now. Cain is a Scientologist. I imagine once he got past the Xenu/clam/volcano story in OT III without laughing his ass off, Hermie became as clear as they got.

    Can you see him in a Sea Org uniform?

    • zappadoo76

      If you tell the story over and over again, pretty soon you get a floating needle.

  • OneDollarJuana

    At least you have to hand it to Cain, in that he realizes he should be embarrassed by all his shenanigans, and apparently, is, at least a little bit, especially since he's been caught with his hand in the nookie jar. Newt, on the other hand, is not only not embarrassed, I think he's proud of his misdeeds.

  • Looks like a waveform editor with some analysis plugins. I'm pretty sure you can get a freeware version of that.

  • Negropolis

    OT: Watching the Last Word with Larry O'Donnell, and he has on Ginger Whitee. Boy oh oby if that is not one cold-blooded woman. Larry played the clip of Gloria talking about knowing Herman (which, I didn't think was necessary) – you know, the one that made her look like a fool – and then asked Ginger if she had anything to say to Gloria, and see just said "no…no comment" as expressionless, emotionless, remorselessness, and cold as possible. The woman is as much a sociopath as Herman as far as I'm concerned. This whole thing is just sad. If Herman cared about this family, if he wanted to show once in his life that he elevates them over his own ego, he'd get the hell out of this race.

    EDIT: Now, after the commercial break (and surely on the advice of her lawyer), she apologizes saying that she's not cold-hearted, and that she apologizes with the typical non-apology "I apologize if I hurt you."

  • mourningnmerica

    It is now clear that the bitch set him up.

  • RadioYKWE

    Just finished another excellent Tim Dickinson Rolling Stone article. The online version is here. .
    How has Rolling Stone become one of the last bastions of free thought journalism? Depth and reasoning over the misrepresentations of Ailes and Russ.

  • Callyson

    Update–if anyone missed this, I thought it was hilarious: MC Hammer on Cain:

  • iburl

    The 9-9-9 plan may seem to be nonsense, but remember that "i" is the 9th letter. "i-i-i", the singular thought that twirls around in Herman Cain's mind when he's using women for sex.

  • poncho_pilot

    sounds fishy? why doesn't he go by his full name, TJ Maxx Montgomery Ward-Sears Von Roebuck?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    If the computer has some "bits", you must acquit.

  • antifauxnews

    i so want cain to continue, if only to shame the GOP into not showing up at the polls. though lets face it, they are shameless in that regard.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I'm starting to like this whole conspiracy theory….is it Newt, is it Waffles, is it the Obama Admin,…..I think Wonkette should put together a new Cain-based Clue game, and market it so that they won't have to keep selling my computer hard drive space to their retailers…

  • Cain goes down, Gingrich comes up. Can't explain it.

    (can say that Cain's presence helps Romney, and that once Cain's out, Romney's sunk against a resurgent Gingrich, which is great news for comedy and for Obama 2012)

  • prommie

    I heard Cain's next ad is going to feature one of the world's foremost phrenologists, who is going to examine the bumps and valleys of Cain's cranium and provide his scientific assessment of Cain's character, and also, predict how much rain we are going to get next spring.

  • Indiepalin

    This ad is so effective, it makes me want to go right out and suppress the black vote.

  • Crowe2011

    We need to have a law which says 'lie detector' must be replaced with the phrase 'magic graph machine' in all media coverage. Even if retards still believe in its efficacy, coverage would be funnier at least.

  • Buckminster

    Hey, Cain supporters! I've got some oceanfront real estate for sale right here in Butte Montana for ya!

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