GIVE THEM AN HBO SPECIAL IMMEDIATELY  5:35 pm December 1, 2011

Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

We would have gone with a Three Mile Island bit, but sure. Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don’t tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America, and Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island to say in its defense on Twitter except that there were people heroically inhabiting Long Island when 9/11 happened. This more or less proves the Walnuts point correct (hooray, he finally got one right after 19 million years in the Senate!), but no way did the fun stop there.

First Walnuts went back to the Senate floor and fished in his senile old person brain for a nice old-timey thing to say in apology to Long Island and turned up the inexplicable choice of calling it “wonderful.” But mostly this was setup for A LITTLE BIT OF REVENGE, via NY Daily News:

“I’m sorry there’s at least one of my colleagues that can’t take a joke, and so I apologize if I offended him and hope that someday he will have a sense of humor,” McCain said.

So WAR, obviously, and Schumer went straight back to Twitter:

We did laugh at that one, for being true. Oh these two, such a comedy duo! Once again Lindsey Graham feels jealous and abandoned. And, oh yeah, look out, Al Franken! [NY Daily News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 99 comments }

Barb December 1, 2011 at 5:37 pm

When he is going to apologize for unleashing Palin upon us?

Master Janitor V572 December 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

And an assist on Miche1e, once Panamanian strongman Juan McCain demonstrated that conservatards would vote for the purdy one.

OneYieldRegular December 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I SO want to believe in karma for his having done that.

Generation[redacted] December 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

What? You can't take a joke?

HistoriCat December 1, 2011 at 9:31 pm

I think you mean "I'm sorry you can't take a joke."

DaRooster December 2, 2011 at 9:22 am

I am sure he doesn't realize he did that…

memzilla December 1, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Tony and Vito are gonna have a little "tawk" with Senator Walnuts McCain (R-Asshattery).

Dashboard Buddha December 1, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Tony – Ya know John..can I call ya John? Well John, you got a nice senate here. I'd hate to see anything bad happen to it.

tessiee December 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm

"Hey, China. You know that money we owe you? We don't owe it no more."

PalinzADummy December 1, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I hope it involves percussive moves with bats of hardwood or metal.

GuanoFaucet December 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

McCain crashed and burned with that joke.

Ancient_Hacker December 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

That would make it crash #6 or 7?

Dashboard Buddha December 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm

At least he didn't take a whole fucking aircraft carrier with him this time.

Rotundo_ December 1, 2011 at 6:17 pm

A hero of the former North Vietnamese Airforce he can only claim 5 victories against the imperialist American Navy. But the Forrestal was the pinnacle of his achievements on behalf of a grateful Vietnamese people.

DaRooster December 1, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Meh… Won't be the last time

SudsMcKenzie December 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Will they be here all week?
… shit they'll be here for years

elviouslyqueer December 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Dear Walnuts:

The usual advice to wannabe comics (e.g., "Don't quit your day job") DOES NOT APPLY HERE. Now dodder back off to your clown car, you geriatric shitstain.

EQ

Master Janitor V572 December 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Explain it again, please: these people are in charge of what?

friendlyskies December 1, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Our shiny new fascist police state! For Satan, and 9/11.

Mumbletypeg December 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Those two — the balding one and that other guy. Are they still bickering about which one Mom liked best?

Dashboard Buddha December 1, 2011 at 6:02 pm

"Oh yeah… one more thing: I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch! "

hagajim December 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

When is Walnutz going to apologize for not letting Megs throw some tittay our way….no really, when is he going to apologize for the existence of the entire state of Arizona from Jan Brewer to Sherriff Joe, to fucking Jared Loughner to Timothy McVeigh. Jesus! The more I think about it the more I think Arizona might just be America's poopstain!

Master Janitor V572 December 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm

You can blame Christian terrorist Timothy McVeigh for many things, but he was born in Lockport, NY. McVeigh did, however, aspire to buy property in Kingman, so he was definitely one of them.

glamourdammerung December 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm

But McCain being in the Senate is a joke about how stupid folks in Arizona are.

Tommmcattt December 1, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Laughter hurts sometimes.

OneDollarJuana December 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Why is it that the stupidest states in the Union have names beginning with "A"? Arizona, Alaska, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas.

TheGyrus December 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm

As someone who, technically, lives on Long Island, I don't have a problem with McCain saying what he did.

After all, I regret that Arizona is part of the country.

memzilla December 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Frank Luntz has already rebranded "joke about Long Island" as "co-humoral comment about water-blessed America."

Eve8Apples December 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

While Abbott & Costello work on their comedy circle jerk, the number of unemployed, underemployed, homeless, uninsured, stressed out and bankrupt Americans continue to rise. Nero fiddles while Rome burns.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

First corporations were people, now Long Island is a person and deserves an apology. I say no apologies until they form a PAC!

Angry_Marmot December 2, 2011 at 1:17 am

PACs are people too, my friend.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 2, 2011 at 2:35 pm

People libel!!!

johnnymeatworth December 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

So Schumer is going to take McCain for a ride in the weeds now? Will he leave the gun and take the cannoli?

coolhandnuke December 1, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Old John McCain was just trying out some of the delicious humor from his new movie "Die Hard IV, Revenge of the Walnutz."

memzilla December 1, 2011 at 5:54 pm

O/T, but I just realized that anyone interviewing for a jerb should use all of Frank Luntz's rebranding phrases.

"Thank you, Mr. Job Creator, I look forward to protecting economic freedom by helping take the burden of excessive Federal regulation off of your shoulders. After all, we're just a couple of hard-working taxpayers, right?"

JackDempsey1 December 1, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Although these phrases appear quite lame coming off the twitter machine,
they are HI-larious as they unspool off the teletype.

Technology has destroyed Real Humor.

SexySmurf December 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm

And then Senator Dow Jones was all like, "Hey Walnuts, yo mama is so old, she gave birth to John McCain."

sbj1964 December 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm

He is John McCain of the clan McCain,born in 1456 on the shores of Loc Finn. And he cannot die! There can be only one!

tihond December 1, 2011 at 6:57 pm

He's been unstoppable since he absorbed Robert Bird's power.

Schmannnity December 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Long Island Lolita versus Alice. I say Alice gets shot in the face at Mel's Diner.

Beowoof December 1, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Insulting Arizona would be too easy as they give so much to work with. Including McCain himself and his dang fence. Jan Brewer's brain fart, starting the parade of republican brain freezes, the immigration law, allowing people to carry guns in bars (What could possibly go wrong)? Private for profit prisons that need lots of poor brown people to fill them up. Ah yes way too much and way too easy to make fun of.

SayItWithWookies December 1, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Arizona's most noble inhabitant is a toad that squirts blood out of its eyes. You're halfway there, Senator McCain!

Biff December 1, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Yet their official state reptile is the ridge-nosed rattlesnake. Fuckers are protected, even from gun-totin' Arizonans.

anniegetyerfun December 2, 2011 at 1:46 am

Toad = not reptile.

Hey, someone had to be a fucking know-it-all.

Biff December 2, 2011 at 10:09 am

Yes, of course they are an amphibean, and I'm glad it was you that got to school me.

anniegetyerfun December 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

Do I get to mete out the punishment as well?

ifthethunderdontgetya December 1, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Lawn Guyland Libel!
~

mourningnmerica December 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I mostly resent that drooling old fool for his worthless progeny. I saw Megan McCain on MSNBC (ugh) talking about how smart and personable Michele Bachmann was, in her interview. Take me now, lord.

Blueb4sunrise December 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

ALERT!! Arizona Wonketteers !!!!!!!
Our asshattery is being impugnerated by LOOSERS from Long Fucking Island and others of their ILK!!!!!
Joint me in shouding from you're abode trailers that: WE DON"T GIVE AFLYING FUCK!!!!!!!!!

tessiee December 1, 2011 at 11:15 pm

"Our asshattery is being impugnerated"

Silly Blue. You can't get impugnerated if you Do It in the asshat.

Chillwaver December 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Is the "Sen" in Walnuts' Twatter account short for "Senile"?

Biff December 1, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Essentially, yes.

PalinzADummy December 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Essentially, he's a vegetable.

EdFlintstone December 1, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Guys please, don't let your pissing contest get to the point of any nude photos.
Thanks, America

OneYieldRegular December 1, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Long Island shouldn't be part of America?? Christ on a pick, I mean, how much more American can you get than Long Island?

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

Cost us 24 bucks, for chrissake.

ttommyunger December 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Walnuts and Wrinkle-nuts, whogivesafuck? I'm betting David Brooks is fapping his little goober senseless about being on top of Olivia Munn "au naturel".

HistoriCat December 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Today we all (well, those of us so inclined) want to be on top of Olivia Munn "au naturel"

ttommyunger December 1, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Fap,fap,fap!

Wilcoxyz December 1, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I hope it's okay if I steal that "regrettably" zinger.

So Cindy McCain says, "I got off the pills and booze… regrettably."

Ha ha. Pure gold.

DerrickWildcat December 1, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I'm LOLing out loud!

ShaveTheWhales December 1, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Hey! No recursing!!

Guppy December 1, 2011 at 6:22 pm

How dare McCain insult all the job creators living in the Hamptons?!

John McCain hates America!

Joshua Norton December 1, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Congress is so dysfunctional and uber-wingnutty that I think we're only a few election cycles away from Al-Qaeda being a viable 3rd party.

Barrelhse December 2, 2011 at 11:02 am

Perhaps it's time for the return of Emperor Norton? http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/royalty/america

BarackMyWorld December 1, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I'm with McCain on this one.

Callyson December 1, 2011 at 6:24 pm

“I’m sorry there’s at least one of my colleagues that can’t take a joke, and so I apologize if I offended him and hope that someday he will have a sense of humor,” McCain said.
Wasn't this part of Walnut's acceptance speech at the 2008 Republican convention?
Or was this from the press conference when he announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate?
I know, I know…All of 'em, Katie…

LettucePrey December 1, 2011 at 6:24 pm

And then Rudy Guiliani was all, like, "Step off, bitches, 9/11 is my comedy routine."

Biff December 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Game recognizes game.

x111e7thst December 1, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Is this good news for John McCain?

tihond December 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm

No.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS! FOR JOHN MCCAIN!

johnnyzhivago December 1, 2011 at 6:28 pm

The only good thing about Long Island is that the WESTERN part of the ISLAND itself is Brooklyn.

I guess to McCain, the only part of NYC that's part of the United States would be The Bronx.

Guppy December 1, 2011 at 6:53 pm

For just about any Republican, the only parts of New York that are a part of "real America" have a sprawling view of Central Park.

Negropolis December 1, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Queens County Libel!

johnnyzhivago December 1, 2011 at 6:29 pm

And by the way, it's pronounced "Long Guyland"

ShaveTheWhales December 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Isn't that "lawn guyland?"

mercianomad December 1, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Why is it that I know so many little children who are more eons more mature than my political representatives?

tessiee December 1, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Possibly because in order to go into politics, you have to be an immature self-obsessed crybaby to begin with?

littlebigdaddy December 1, 2011 at 6:57 pm

No, you see, Walnuts is an old Navy man, and he's alot like that old guy in Jaws. He hates LI because of those big fucking sharks! Henngghh! And also: Hobbits!!!!!!

datateday December 1, 2011 at 7:03 pm

It's like the movie Grumpy Old Men except with Twitter, and high polished Senate seats, and all that jazz.

Walkinwiddaking December 1, 2011 at 7:13 pm

"Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island" maybe he should have mentioned that Long Island produced a large chunk of the naval aircraft that flew off of Walnut's beloved aircraft carriers. But then you get into that political hypocrisy/irony thing.

tessiee December 1, 2011 at 11:18 pm

*raises hand hesitantly*

Um… Long Island Ice Teas are *kind* of nice.

Spurning Beer December 1, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Chuck Schumer? On one hand, he got hair transplant plugs years ago. On the other hand, he got perfect 800s on his SATs.

rickmaci December 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Can always count on Walnuts to make some idiotic snarky joke and then get all butthurt when someone call him an asshat. Remember "bombbombbombbombbomb Iran"?

snackypants December 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

This is a record for using the word "asshat" in a Wonkette thread, I think. Your comment makes like five or six uses. (Of course, this is an entirely unscientific survey.)

rickmaci December 2, 2011 at 2:39 pm

That's because Walnuts is setting new records for acting like an asshat. LOL.

DaRooster December 1, 2011 at 7:50 pm

"…Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America…"

Probably, like most of us with the way things are… they are regretting it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 1, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Scarily, this is the most productive thing either has done in the Senate all year.

mavenmaven December 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm

McCain has been sticking it to Arizona for quite some time now.

HistoriCat December 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm

This was the most substantive debate in the Senate in close to a generation.

rocktonsam December 1, 2011 at 9:52 pm

did the Palin's recently purchase property up there?

Negropolis December 1, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Schumer just cold breaks out the 9/11 card, unprovoked. Damn, boy is hitting hard, today. That said, fucker needs to grow a sense of humor.

Juan is correct. Long Island is a needless, redneck appendage of New York. It's like the New Jersey of New York.

mrblifil December 2, 2011 at 12:15 am

McCain can suck my South Fork.

Suck My Balls December 2, 2011 at 2:31 am

Shit got real!

schvitzatura December 2, 2011 at 4:03 am

As long as Schumer can apologize for the excessive blowout haircuts, unnatural tans, and popped collars of his many L.I. denizen/constituents?
http://getoffourisland.com/index.html

MiniMencken December 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Regrettably, Long Island is where Bill O'Reilly is from, so yeah, McCain does have a point.

DahBoner December 2, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I'm sorry sir, but our $2.99 Grand Slam breakfast promotion ended some time ago..

HENNNNG?

Biff December 2, 2011 at 11:30 am

Yes, I've been bad…</Bud Bundy voice>

anniegetyerfun December 2, 2011 at 11:44 am

Perfect! Bend over, sweetie.

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