give them an HBO special immediately

Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel

We would have gone with a Three Mile Island bit, but sure. Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don’t tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America, and Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island to say in its defense on Twitter except that there were people heroically inhabiting Long Island when 9/11 happened. This more or less proves the Walnuts point correct (hooray, he finally got one right after 19 million years in the Senate!), but no way did the fun stop there.

First Walnuts went back to the Senate floor and fished in his senile old person brain for a nice old-timey thing to say in apology to Long Island and turned up the inexplicable choice of calling it “wonderful.” But mostly this was setup for A LITTLE BIT OF REVENGE, via NY Daily News:

“I’m sorry there’s at least one of my colleagues that can’t take a joke, and so I apologize if I offended him and hope that someday he will have a sense of humor,” McCain said.

So WAR, obviously, and Schumer went straight back to Twitter:

We did laugh at that one, for being true. Oh these two, such a comedy duo! Once again Lindsey Graham feels jealous and abandoned. And, oh yeah, look out, Al Franken! [NY Daily News]

Comments

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  • Barb

    When he is going to apologize for unleashing Palin upon us?

    • Master Janitor V572

      And an assist on Miche1e, once Panamanian strongman Juan McCain demonstrated that conservatards would vote for the purdy one.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I SO want to believe in karma for his having done that.

    • Generation[redacted]

      What? You can't take a joke?

      • HistoriCat

        I think you mean "I'm sorry you can't take a joke."

    • DaRooster

      I am sure he doesn't realize he did that…

  • memzilla

    Tony and Vito are gonna have a little "tawk" with Senator Walnuts McCain (R-Asshattery).

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Tony – Ya know John..can I call ya John? Well John, you got a nice senate here. I'd hate to see anything bad happen to it.

      • tessiee

        "Hey, China. You know that money we owe you? We don't owe it no more."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I hope it involves percussive moves with bats of hardwood or metal.

  • GuanoFaucet

    McCain crashed and burned with that joke.

    • Ancient_Hacker

      That would make it crash #6 or 7?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      At least he didn't take a whole fucking aircraft carrier with him this time.

    • Rotundo_

      A hero of the former North Vietnamese Airforce he can only claim 5 victories against the imperialist American Navy. But the Forrestal was the pinnacle of his achievements on behalf of a grateful Vietnamese people.

    • DaRooster

      Meh… Won't be the last time

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Will they be here all week?
    … shit they'll be here for years

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Walnuts:

    The usual advice to wannabe comics (e.g., "Don't quit your day job") DOES NOT APPLY HERE. Now dodder back off to your clown car, you geriatric shitstain.

    EQ

  • Master Janitor V572

    Explain it again, please: these people are in charge of what?

    • friendlyskies

      Our shiny new fascist police state! For Satan, and 9/11.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Those two — the balding one and that other guy. Are they still bickering about which one Mom liked best?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Oh yeah… one more thing: I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch! "

  • hagajim

    When is Walnutz going to apologize for not letting Megs throw some tittay our way….no really, when is he going to apologize for the existence of the entire state of Arizona from Jan Brewer to Sherriff Joe, to fucking Jared Loughner to Timothy McVeigh. Jesus! The more I think about it the more I think Arizona might just be America's poopstain!

    • Master Janitor V572

      You can blame Christian terrorist Timothy McVeigh for many things, but he was born in Lockport, NY. McVeigh did, however, aspire to buy property in Kingman, so he was definitely one of them.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    But McCain being in the Senate is a joke about how stupid folks in Arizona are.

    • Tommmcattt

      Laughter hurts sometimes.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Why is it that the stupidest states in the Union have names beginning with "A"? Arizona, Alaska, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas.

  • TheGyrus

    As someone who, technically, lives on Long Island, I don't have a problem with McCain saying what he did.

    After all, I regret that Arizona is part of the country.

  • memzilla

    Frank Luntz has already rebranded "joke about Long Island" as "co-humoral comment about water-blessed America."

  • Eve8Apples

    While Abbott & Costello work on their comedy circle jerk, the number of unemployed, underemployed, homeless, uninsured, stressed out and bankrupt Americans continue to rise. Nero fiddles while Rome burns.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    First corporations were people, now Long Island is a person and deserves an apology. I say no apologies until they form a PAC!

    • Angry_Marmot

      PACs are people too, my friend.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        People libel!!!

  • johnnymeatworth

    So Schumer is going to take McCain for a ride in the weeds now? Will he leave the gun and take the cannoli?

  • coolhandnuke

    Old John McCain was just trying out some of the delicious humor from his new movie "Die Hard IV, Revenge of the Walnutz."

  • memzilla

    O/T, but I just realized that anyone interviewing for a jerb should use all of Frank Luntz's rebranding phrases.

    "Thank you, Mr. Job Creator, I look forward to protecting economic freedom by helping take the burden of excessive Federal regulation off of your shoulders. After all, we're just a couple of hard-working taxpayers, right?"

  • JackDempsey1

    Although these phrases appear quite lame coming off the twitter machine,
    they are HI-larious as they unspool off the teletype.

    Technology has destroyed Real Humor.

  • SexySmurf

    And then Senator Dow Jones was all like, "Hey Walnuts, yo mama is so old, she gave birth to John McCain."

  • sbj1964

    He is John McCain of the clan McCain,born in 1456 on the shores of Loc Finn. And he cannot die! There can be only one!

    • tihond

      He's been unstoppable since he absorbed Robert Bird's power.

  • Schmannnity

    Long Island Lolita versus Alice. I say Alice gets shot in the face at Mel's Diner.

  • Beowoof

    Insulting Arizona would be too easy as they give so much to work with. Including McCain himself and his dang fence. Jan Brewer's brain fart, starting the parade of republican brain freezes, the immigration law, allowing people to carry guns in bars (What could possibly go wrong)? Private for profit prisons that need lots of poor brown people to fill them up. Ah yes way too much and way too easy to make fun of.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Arizona's most noble inhabitant is a toad that squirts blood out of its eyes. You're halfway there, Senator McCain!

    • Biff

      Yet their official state reptile is the ridge-nosed rattlesnake. Fuckers are protected, even from gun-totin' Arizonans.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Toad = not reptile.

        Hey, someone had to be a fucking know-it-all.

        • Biff

          Yes, of course they are an amphibean, and I'm glad it was you that got to school me.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Do I get to mete out the punishment as well?

          • Biff

            Yes, I've been bad…</Bud Bundy voice>

          • anniegetyerfun

            Perfect! Bend over, sweetie.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Lawn Guyland Libel!
    ~

  • mourningnmerica

    I mostly resent that drooling old fool for his worthless progeny. I saw Megan McCain on MSNBC (ugh) talking about how smart and personable Michele Bachmann was, in her interview. Take me now, lord.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    ALERT!! Arizona Wonketteers !!!!!!!
    Our asshattery is being impugnerated by LOOSERS from Long Fucking Island and others of their ILK!!!!!
    Joint me in shouding from you're abode trailers that: WE DON"T GIVE AFLYING FUCK!!!!!!!!!

    • tessiee

      "Our asshattery is being impugnerated"

      Silly Blue. You can't get impugnerated if you Do It in the asshat.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Is the "Sen" in Walnuts' Twatter account short for "Senile"?

    • Biff

      Essentially, yes.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Essentially, he's a vegetable.

  • EdFlintstone

    Guys please, don't let your pissing contest get to the point of any nude photos.
    Thanks, America

  • OneYieldRegular

    Long Island shouldn't be part of America?? Christ on a pick, I mean, how much more American can you get than Long Island?

    • Barrelhse

      Cost us 24 bucks, for chrissake.

  • ttommyunger

    Walnuts and Wrinkle-nuts, whogivesafuck? I'm betting David Brooks is fapping his little goober senseless about being on top of Olivia Munn "au naturel".

    • HistoriCat

      Today we all (well, those of us so inclined) want to be on top of Olivia Munn "au naturel"

      • ttommyunger

        Fap,fap,fap!

  • Wilcoxyz

    I hope it's okay if I steal that "regrettably" zinger.

    So Cindy McCain says, "I got off the pills and booze… regrettably."

    Ha ha. Pure gold.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I'm LOLing out loud!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Hey! No recursing!!

  • Guppy

    How dare McCain insult all the job creators living in the Hamptons?!

    John McCain hates America!

  • Joshua Norton

    Congress is so dysfunctional and uber-wingnutty that I think we're only a few election cycles away from Al-Qaeda being a viable 3rd party.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm with McCain on this one.

  • Callyson

    “I’m sorry there’s at least one of my colleagues that can’t take a joke, and so I apologize if I offended him and hope that someday he will have a sense of humor,” McCain said.
    Wasn't this part of Walnut's acceptance speech at the 2008 Republican convention?
    Or was this from the press conference when he announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate?
    I know, I know…All of 'em, Katie…

  • LettucePrey

    And then Rudy Guiliani was all, like, "Step off, bitches, 9/11 is my comedy routine."

    • Biff

      Game recognizes game.

  • x111e7thst

    Is this good news for John McCain?

    • tihond

      No.

      THIS IS GREAT NEWS! FOR JOHN MCCAIN!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The only good thing about Long Island is that the WESTERN part of the ISLAND itself is Brooklyn.

    I guess to McCain, the only part of NYC that's part of the United States would be The Bronx.

    • Guppy

      For just about any Republican, the only parts of New York that are a part of "real America" have a sprawling view of Central Park.

    • Negropolis

      Queens County Libel!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    And by the way, it's pronounced "Long Guyland"

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Isn't that "lawn guyland?"

  • mercianomad

    Why is it that I know so many little children who are more eons more mature than my political representatives?

    • tessiee

      Possibly because in order to go into politics, you have to be an immature self-obsessed crybaby to begin with?

  • littlebigdaddy

    No, you see, Walnuts is an old Navy man, and he's alot like that old guy in Jaws. He hates LI because of those big fucking sharks! Henngghh! And also: Hobbits!!!!!!

  • datateday

    It's like the movie Grumpy Old Men except with Twitter, and high polished Senate seats, and all that jazz.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island" maybe he should have mentioned that Long Island produced a large chunk of the naval aircraft that flew off of Walnut's beloved aircraft carriers. But then you get into that political hypocrisy/irony thing.

    • tessiee

      *raises hand hesitantly*

      Um… Long Island Ice Teas are *kind* of nice.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Chuck Schumer? On one hand, he got hair transplant plugs years ago. On the other hand, he got perfect 800s on his SATs.

  • rickmaci

    Can always count on Walnuts to make some idiotic snarky joke and then get all butthurt when someone call him an asshat. Remember "bombbombbombbombbomb Iran"?

    • snackypants

      This is a record for using the word "asshat" in a Wonkette thread, I think. Your comment makes like five or six uses. (Of course, this is an entirely unscientific survey.)

      • rickmaci

        That's because Walnuts is setting new records for acting like an asshat. LOL.

  • DaRooster

    "…Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America…"

    Probably, like most of us with the way things are… they are regretting it.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Scarily, this is the most productive thing either has done in the Senate all year.

  • mavenmaven

    McCain has been sticking it to Arizona for quite some time now.

  • HistoriCat

    This was the most substantive debate in the Senate in close to a generation.

  • rocktonsam

    did the Palin's recently purchase property up there?

  • Negropolis

    Schumer just cold breaks out the 9/11 card, unprovoked. Damn, boy is hitting hard, today. That said, fucker needs to grow a sense of humor.

    Juan is correct. Long Island is a needless, redneck appendage of New York. It's like the New Jersey of New York.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    McCain can suck my South Fork.

  • Suck My Balls

    Shit got real!

  • schvitzatura

    As long as Schumer can apologize for the excessive blowout haircuts, unnatural tans, and popped collars of his many L.I. denizen/constituents?
    http://getoffourisland.com/index.html

  • MiniMencken

    Regrettably, Long Island is where Bill O'Reilly is from, so yeah, McCain does have a point.

  • DahBoner

    I'm sorry sir, but our $2.99 Grand Slam breakfast promotion ended some time ago..

    HENNNNG?