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TREE LITNEW YORK—The Euro Zone death watch was put on hold yesterday as central banks turned on the firehose to pump some much-needed liquidity into the region. International markets rallied, the Dow closed up five hundred points, and rich people the world over were all very pleased with these developments.

Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, is taking all of this Iran business very seriously. After the British embassy in Tehran was stormed on Tuesday and nations like the UK and France started drawing down their diplomatic presences there, Bachmann took to the stump to suggest America do the same. Except? Except? The United States doesn’t have an embassy in Iran! And we haven’t had one for years now? For so long, in fact, there hasn’t been a US embassy in Iran for the entire lifetime of every single one of Bachmann’s twenty-eight children! But sure, let’s shut it down a second time just for good measure.

The GOP is showing early signs here of changing its tune on the payroll tax cut, and frankly we’re a little surprised Eric Cantor of all people is the one Republican with a clue here. The Majority Leader rounded up members for a closed door meeting yesterday to warn his caucus that their anti-tax orthodoxy and age old conviction that there’s never been a tax cut that needed to be paid for is all at risk of looking just a little bit inconsistent here should they keep opposing a tax cut that won’t benefit rich people. Senator Kyl has been hitting the TV circuit in recent days peddling a footnote to the GOP’s all-tax-cuts-are-good-tax-cuts philosophy, namely: all tax cuts are good tax cuts unless they only cut taxes on the proles. So good on Cantor! We’ll do our best to convince ourselves he’s not just being deeply, deeply cynical here.

In other tax news, California looks to be raising taxes for the first time in about a hundred years, with Gov. Jerry Brown proposing a combination of sales tax increases and rich people tax increases.

Now this isn’t a thing we have very much to say about, mostly just a thing we’d like to share, because it’s easily the funniest thing we’ve read all day: “In addition, Senate Republican leaders would go after ‘millionaires and billionaires,’ not by raising their taxes but by making them ineligible for unemployment compensation and food stamps and increasing their Medicare premiums.” HA HA, OK, yes, we were kidding when we said we didn’t have anything to say about this, because are you kidding?!? Let’s just parse this out: Senate Republican leaders… would “go after…” “millionaires and billionaires…” “not by raising their taxes”… “but by making them ineligible for unemployment compensation and food stamps.” One more time here: Billionaires. Ineligible. For FOOD STAMPS. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

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  • The US Embassy in Iran is as real as the voices in Michelle's head.

    • Serolf_Divad

      I'm picturing Michelle Bachman's black labrador retriever, sitting in hte corner of her office, instructing her to make the closing the U.S. embassy in Iran her signature issue (right after the "Lightbulb Freedom Act" which he, no doubt, was also responsible for).

      • Geminisunmars

        Labrador libel!

      • poncho_pilot

        something like this maybe… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb8GBSbBES0

      • horsedreamer_1

        Somehow, "Beard of Marcus" doesn't feel right, so I am glad Berkowitz went with his second draft.

  • slithytoves

    but by making them ineligible for unemployment compensation and food stamps.

    Hey, slow down there! Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

  • prommie

    What about the embassy in Uzbeck-becki-becki stan stan?

    • Serolf_Divad

      As soon as Herman Cain is done sexually harrassing the female staffmembers, I'm told it will be shut down.

      • An_Outhouse

        ha ha – you said 'staff' and 'member' at the same time.

    • Guppy

      Cain has had "diplomatic relations" with several Becky's.

      • Serolf_Divad

        But what about Stan? That's what I'm curious about? Or maybe Becky and Stan together.

        • Guppy

          I more get the feeling that Stan would just be a voyeuristic audience or a cuckolded husband, if not both.

        • YasserArraFeck

          The only "Stan" the Hermanator's interested in is a "one-night stan'"

  • Eric Cantor and Michele Bachmann meet reality.
    Eric: “it’s so beautiful, bright and shiny!”
    Michele: “I don’t see anything.”

    • Terry

      The GOP "catechism":

      My talking points told me.
      I believe it.
      End of discussion.

  • Not_So_Much

    Now we're going to discriminate against poor Richie Riches? Klass Worfairz!!1!

  • BklynIlluminati

    Michelle Bachmann is also going to investigate the fall of Saigon see why our troops aren't stationed there anymore

    • Terry

      Perhaps she is also worried about the British being able to force Americans to house and feed British soldiers, too.

    • unclejeems

      I think we really ought to pull federal troops out of the South, too, and give Subic Bay back to the Filipinos.

    • GOPCrusher

      Won't someone think of the Marines stationed in Tripoli?

      • real_dc_native

        And Panama! How long are our troops going to guard the Canal Zone?

        • horsedreamer_1

          'Til the natives become insistent on marriage. Then, we heed the advice of the devil on our shoulder & — RUN!!!

    • coolhandnuke

      Her second order of business after closing the US Embassy in Iran (should she become President) would be to demand that Chairman Mao tear down that wall.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Bachmann-Khan 2012!!!

  • Like true leaders, the GOP are cutting spending in real, tangible ways:
    American embassy in Iran- Gone
    Billionaire food stamps- Gone
    Nancy Pelosi's Jet- Gone
    But the Socialist Demon-crats just want to raise taxes with no real spending cuts.
    Wake up sheeple!

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Obama should open an embassy in Iran and appoint Michelle ambassador, then arrange for lesbian students to attack her in the bathroom.

    • dijetlo

      Pics or GTFO

      • Thurman Munster IV

        Your move Kourtney

    • GOPCrusher

      Iranian lesbians?

      • Generation[redacted]

        I bet the ululations during oral are hot.

  • rhubarbpie2

    How about we send Bachman to Iran to reopen the embassy so she can close it? I think that would work for everyone here and over there.

    • GOPCrusher

      Will they keep her for 444 days?

      • Generation[redacted]

        NOT LONG ENUF!

    • Nothingisamiss

      I see this as win-win.

  • x111e7thst

    La majestueuse égalité des lois, qui interdit au riche comme au pauvre de coucher sous les ponts, de mendier dans les rues et de voler du pain.

    • Chichikovovich

      Anatole? Bienvenue!

      • x111e7thst

        And while I'm on the subject: Dans tout État policé, la richesse est chose sacrée; dans les démocraties elle est la seule chose sacrée.

        • Puffperney

          Grande citation!

        • Chichikovovich

          Je n'ai jamais entendu celui-là. Evidement, M. France a compris les mots, puis les faits aussi.

        • swordfis

          Is this still Anatole France? Or De Toqueville? Or whom?

          • x111e7thst

            Anatole F

    • Serolf_Divad

      Je aussi veux etre mebre du club Francais Wonette, meme si mon Fracais c'est assez pauvre!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Jak sie masz?

      • Chichikovovich

        Udmærket! Tak for at spørge.

        • Blueb4sunrise

          Hmmmm.

          • Chichikovovich

            The Google translate "detect language" feature is always useful in times like these. That's how I figured out what you were saying.

      • x111e7thst

        очень хорошо

    • jqheywood

      "Toute nation a le gouvernement qu’elle mérite."

    • proudgrampa

      For our non-French speaking friends and colleagues: "The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. "

      Or something like that.

      I like it!

    • unclejeems

      The law in its majestic equality allows both rich and poor to collect food stamps, cash social security checks, and give lots of money to Republican candidates for president.

    • prommie

      Shit, I quote it in english all the time and noone says dick!

      • GOPCrusher

        I don't think it has the same panache.

      • proudgrampa

        It's like the difference between French cuisine and English. Cordon bleu or bangers and mash?

        No criticism intended, Limeylizzie, I do happen to like bangers and mash…

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      "Il faut faire de la vie un rêve et d'un rêve une réalité". Madame Curie.

      "Il faut faire de la vie un faux pas et d'un faux pas une réalité". Madame Bachmann.

  • Terry

    How did she miss the entire Iran hostage crisis? It was longer than a full year and at a time she was old enough to have at least seen the news once by accident.

    Every single night on the news, they'd do that count of the number of days the hostages had been held. Every single night. This crazy woman has to have tried specifically to be this ignorant.

    • They made a film about her life during that time: One Flew Over the Bachmann's Nest.

      • mereoblivion

        Starring Marcus as Nurse Ratched. (Or was he not butch enuf?)

    • Master Janitor V572

      Plus it got rid of that pesky liberal, Jimmy Carter.

      • CZL

        And ushered in the everlasting era of Reaganite Neoliberalism that will last in perpetuity, or until the wealthy have ruined us, at which time they will devour our children and ascend to the Malign Godhead promised to them by their unholy masters. Forever.

    • HempDogbane

      For the answer to this question, look one more time at her eyes. Not for too long though.

      • Chichikovovich

        Just view the shadow of her gaze on a screen, as you would with a solar eclipse. Though welder's goggles might suffice if she's taken her meds.

    • GOPCrusher

      TED KOPPEL LIBEL!

    • poncho_pilot

      i was a year old when it started and i knew a lot of the basic details by the time i was five. and learned more as i got older. so being too young to fully comprehend what was going on? i don't even consider that a valid excuse.

  • neiltheblaze

    Shelly is so cute when she pretends to know anything about the world. Or reality.

  • ThundercatHo

    But what about the cheese? Surely, you can't take away the Koch bros. extra big loaf of govt cheese? It's their favorite plus it goes so great with the Beluga caviar.

    • poncho_pilot

      i remember from growing up that government cheese wasn't that bad really. their loss!

      • YasserArraFeck

        Isn't "Koch Cheese" just code for "smegma"?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    No-job Mittens can't get unemployment? Guess it's back to doing the can-can for meth.

  • SexySmurf

    Why is David Brooks looking at me like that?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      He looks at everyone that way. It's not just you. Sorry. When you have been exiled to the nation of Irrelevant Has-Beens you peer out from your sorry perch and long for the good old days when people gave a shit about you.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I kNOW!! Scared me that's for sure.

    • widestanceshakedown

      He's enjoying an unseen vegetable.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        KRAUTHAMMER LIBEL!!!

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Now, this is Wonkette.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Shhhh. We must fight the urge to call him a dickheaded intellectual who ties himself into knots trying to defend the assholes in his party. We can't afford to cost "our" the wonket more advertisers.

  • Shhh, don't tell her that the US America isn't at war with Japan and Germany anymore.

    • What about Winfield Scott having finished-up in Mexico?

      • Puffperney

        I would bet my house that she doesn't know there was a Mexican war. I would double down on her ignorance of the Gadsden Purchase.

        • Master Janitor V572

          Not to mention the Wilmot Proviso.

          • BerkeleyBear

            And whatever you do, don't quiz her on how we acquired Alaska – somehow it becomes all about God, Jeebus and a flaming sword Marcus once swallowed.

    • OneYieldRegular

      She's living in her own private South Pacific island jungle.

      • jqheywood

        Or perhaps her own private Idaho…
        ….now with extra neo-nazi militias

    • unclejeems

      Fifty-two forty or fight!

    • GOPCrusher

      Tippecanoe and Tyler too!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Michelle thinks Iran is a song

    And Iran
    Iran so far away
    Couldn't get away.

  • skoalrebel

    It's called playing offense, you Libtards! [spit] Shelly understands that we can only be strong with a pre-emptive strike. spit Watch those mullahs shit themselves when we threaten to close an embassy we don't have. Only a super-duper power can pull off a move like that! USA! USA! USA!

  • freakishlywrong

    After heartlessly denying the wealthy food stamps and unemployment insurance, the fucking Republicans are also going to give the poor and the middle class a generous tax cut on their estate and capital gains rates.

    • SorosBot

      Romney has actually said he wants to give the middle class a cut on capital gains taxes, the clueless rich fuckhead.

      • freakishlywrong

        Yes, Thurston, for us "capital gains" means the 1% raise I've gotten in the last four years, (conveniently offset by raising our health insurance).

      • DustBowlBlues

        Oh, Happy Day! I can finally redo the bathroom and get one of those new steam showers.

        • GOPCrusher

          You have indoor plumbing?

    • OneYieldRegular

      I sold a bunch of CD's at Amoeba Records this year and made about $45. Does that count as a capital gain?

  • bringmeanaxe

    You know, there's anti-intellectual, and then there's just plain stupid. Michele Bachmann is definitely the latter. And before you start foaming at the mouth Teabaggers, I said 'latter', not 'ladder'.

    • poncho_pilot

      i think she's more like a chute myself but you could've rung more out of that if you wanted.

  • Mahousu

    Mitt Romney is worried. He hasn't had a job in years, and the food stamps are the only things feeding his family.

  • MrFizzy

    We should close other non-existent things too, like Michelle's connection to reality.

  • SorosBot

    And here I thought Republicans, in their worship of Reagan, would remember the embassy and hostage crisis which he made secret deals with the Iranians to prolong while running for President to make Carter look bad so he could win the election.

    • It seems they also picked up Alzheimer's in honor of their great hero. They wanted to win one for the.. Gapper? The Gimper? The Gawker? The Gopher?

      • anniegetyerfun

        Grifter? Gator? Gypsy?

      • GOPCrusher

        Fred Grandy?

      • poncho_pilot

        Gollum? Goiter? Goose Step?

    • prommie

      That deal that GHW Bush brokered?

    • Chichikovovich

      But Reagan pardoned almost all of the people who were convicted or about-to-be-convicted or should-have-been-convicted, and Bush I pardoned the rest. Which makes it OK.

      • GOPCrusher

        Bush II put a bunch of them back to work on his National Security staff.

  • MildMidwesterner

    Closing the embassy in Iran is fine with me so long as our embassy in Atlantis remains open.

    • mereoblivion

      According to Newt, that will be as long as the Falcons are still in the race.

    • BlueStateLibel

      I hear she's mulling over whether to recommend shutting down our embassy in Middle Earth too, and authorizing a pre-emptive strike on the Uruk-hai.

      • SorosBot

        She also wants to close down our embassy to the Klingon Empire; Ambassador Worf is fighting that hard.

    • MrFizzy

      I think we have one in Potemkin Village too

    • delaney_blom

      She would also like to close the embassy in Neverneverland, because she's pretty sure those lost boys are gay (not to mention Peter Pan is a tranny).

    • PubOption

      I don't know about that, I think we are underwater on the mortgage.

  • CyniBons: Cantor's new treat with cynical icing over a spongie low tax rickroll.

  • "What does it matter there's no embassy there?? Go on and shut it down anyway!"

    — Michele "Red Queen" Bachmann
    (attn: eh Newt, be sure to finish the job ridding us of these Commie infiltrators when you take office & resume cleaning House)

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Michelle's baby picture. It explains alot.
    http://darkflames232.blogspot.com/2008/10/eels-be

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That was taken last week?

  • Joshua Norton

    The United States doesn’t have an embassy in Iran!

    There you go again; using actual history. Obviously the result of deluded bigoted, socialist, collectivist, fascist, left-wing, democrat, commie queer minds.

    Did I miss any? I'm hoping that by using up the labels it will give the trolls a day off.

    • HempDogbane

      You left out elitist and America-hating.

      • poncho_pilot

        and atheistic, lazy, muslin, cowardly, and black.

  • prommie

    I am just going to assume Michele's gaffe here is the topic of the latest blog entry by the Heritage Foundation's department of tedious pedantry?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, they are just going to lose their shit over this one, aren't they? I can just see the brilliant comments from the stalwart GOP readers: "Get a brain, moran!". The Heritage Foundation is nothing if not consistent in their criticism.

    • Tundra Grifter

      prommie:

      I, too, have been eagerly awaiting Nile Gardiner's latest screed.

      Happily, I'm not holding my breath.

  • Arken

    If she wants to close the American Embassy in Iran, I say we let her go over there and do it. I'll even chip in on the plane ticket.

    • Generation[redacted]

      And unlike last time, we won't be trading arms with Iran to get her back.

  • Arken

    Her campaign also came out with a 'correction' later on that said something like 'Congresswoman Bachmann is aware that there has not been an American Embassy in Iran since 1980.'

    Except the embassy stopped being an embassy in 1979 when the hostage crisis began.

  • smitallica

    Bachmann is right! And we shouldn't stop there! We should also close our embassies in Siam, Transjordan, East Germany, Czechoslovakia, Lilliput, Alderaan, and the Island of Sodor! HARRUMPH!!!

    • Indiepalin

      Don't forget the one on Rigel 7.

    • It'll be a cold day in hell when Foggy Bottom closes the embassy in Mordor.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      And definitely break all diplomatic ties with those Atreides folks. Arrakis is too damn liberal and we don't need no freakin' spice.

      • jqheywood

        Harkonnen libel!

    • Not the island of Sodor. You don't mess with the fat controller.

  • Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, is taking all of this Iran business very seriously.

    Point of order, Matt!

    One L only gots one l.
    ~

    • prommie

      You're pre-law? I thought you were pre-med?

  • Indiepalin

    From a post at RedState yesterday:

    "I’m sorry, but the whole 2012 experience makes me sick to my stomach. Look at what’s happened in the last day or so.

    Romney fell apart in an interview on Fox.
    Cain said Democrats are taking him out because they want to run against Newt.
    Newt said he helped defeat communism.
    Bachmann said if she were president we wouldn’t have an embassy in Iran.

    Someone, anyone, please tell me this is just a bad dream."

    You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Someday we will have government-provided pizza. And the world will be as one.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Sorry. It's the logical conclusion to the Repubtards fifty year old War On Public Education.

    • Generation[redacted]

      That kind of talk will get you banned at RedState. If you want to keep your account you need to edit the post to read, "Wow! We are totally going to win in 2012. Our candidates are demonstrating their command of the issues. Romney is such a RINO, Newt is just the man to defeat the Communist-In-Chief. Iran better hope Bachmann doesn't win! Obama the [dog whistle slur] is toast! Pinch me I'm dreaming!"

      Except with more misspellings. Sorry I'm too lazy to adhere to the proper conservatard grammar conventions.

    • Chichikovovich

      Romney fell apart in an interview on Fox.

      Damn, I didn't even hear about this one. Did he come out against shoot on sight rules for the Mexican border, or suggest that daycare centres should be able to require that the toddlers not bring loaded Glocks to the playground?

      • Indiepalin

        He got pissed at Pulitzer-prize winning journalist Bret Baier for asking him stuff like why he has changed his position on so many issues so often every time he begins a quest for a different political office.

      • GOPCrusher

        I saw parts of it on Keith Olbermann last night.The issues about his stands when he was Governor of Massachusetts as far as abortion rights, gay marriage, and universal healthcare are pretty much common knowledge, but that Faux interview, he was pretty much close to having a total meltdown on some of the questions he was being asked.

  • prommie

    Is there no little girl watching this mad parade who will finally just say it, that the emporer has no clothes? OK, whats been going on in the world lately? Whats that you say, a massive, decades-long credit bubble created by a deregulated and bloated world finance industry has been exploding in our faces in slow motion for nearly four years now, resulting in a new great depression? Oh, well, the solution to that is easy, lets open up credit, lets just throw some gasoline on the fire, what ho! Isn't there some little girl out there who will just point out the patently obvious fact that the leaders and intellectuals and politicians and journalists are all completely full of shit, on this issue? Every fucking last one of them, except Nouriel Roubini, just acting on blind faith in a myth?

    • proudgrampa

      Eloquent.

  • fartknocker

    On more thing to consider Congresswoman and that they have mountains in Iran. According to Herman Cain we can't deploy any bombs in mountain regions because they bounce up. You better get your Chief military strategist Huckabee on this.

    Also Michelle, in Texas we have a very small town called Iraan. They have a post office that could be converted to a U.S. Embassy if you're looking for something to do.

  • Baconzgood

    Fucking welfare billionaires leaching off my tax money.

  • Oh and while you're at it, Michele, just fix your name's spelling would ya already. That's more like it, TWO L's as it should be. . . Yes, okay, the second one's a SILENT "L" if you prefer to think of it that way. Silence is golden. As in "pipe down, and bow out"~!

  • chascates

    I suggest we send all 8 GOP candidates to Iran and let them solve that problem in person.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Is it wrong that I would much rather do whatever David Brooks is asking of me than see Olivia Munn naked?

    • Chichikovovich

      Is he asking you to kick him in the nuts?

    • chascates

      Brooks was on Charlie Rose recently lamenting how the failure of the super committee was the fault of both parties and how we're in for ten years of malaise or something. God, he is such a tool. I'll take Olivia.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I'm not saying that I love him. He's just the only “conservative” pundit who is willing to call GOP candidates out as the joke that they are. I realize that I am setting the bar really low for what would constitute a good conservative pundit, but you know, there aren't many like him. Even if he is a goon.

        • Chichikovovich

          Naw, that's just a trick he uses to promote the appearance of bipartisan cred. If you look closely, he'll slag people who are sure not to win, or he'll follow up with a "but the Democrats do the exact same thing, but without the moral commitment of (Republican just slagged)."

          Here's a test: Several months ago when the thin-skinned toxic salamander was languishing within epsilon of 0% in the polls, and looked to be toast, I heard him on NPR discussing the Republican primaries. When the TSTS was mentioned, Brooks winced (OK, it was radio, but the wince was conveyed clearly by his voice) and called Newt a bozo and an embarrassment. (Can't remember the exact words, but it was absolutely unambiguous condemnation.) Then he went on to fellate Romney.

          Now that TSTS is riding high, I wager that the babbling Brooks will have nothing but measured praise for his Newtiness. Until TSTS crashes, and then it's salamander season at the Brooks estate.

          • anniegetyerfun

            I don't know – he's spoken about Newt on a few occasions, saying that although he enjoys listening to Newt's ideas, he wouldn't trust him to manage a 7-11. If he changes his tune, it would be interesting. But I haven't seen it happen yet.

    • ttommyunger

      It is wrong on so many levels I can't enumerate them.

  • I say OPEN an Embasy in Iran – and then close it! That will teach them!!!!

  • freakishlywrong

    Breaking..Herman Cain unsure if we have an embassy in China.

    • YasserArraFeck

      that would be "Ching-Chingy-Chong-China-stan"

  • paris biltong

    Make the billionaires pay the cost of the US Embassy in Teheran is what I advocate. Fair is fair.

    • BlueStateLibel

      SEND the billionaires to a U.S. embassy in Teheran is more to my liking – and preferbly one surrounded by angry youths burning the flag and shouting "Death to America."

  • Goonemeritus

    I don’t think it would fair if Michael Bloomberg didn’t win a fourth term that he would be ineligible for a piece of government cheese.

    • CapnFatback

      Please, in the future, refer to the mayor as "Master Bloomberg" and to his handout by its proper name, "government brie".

      • Generation[redacted]

        Master Bloomberg controls Bartertown! Embargo!

  • Goonemeritus

    Bachman to be consistent should probably condemn Germanies annexation of the Sudetenland.

  • chascates

    Shelly on Glenn Beck's show yesterday:
    BACHMANN: But you're looking at a new axis of evil between North Korea, the Chinese, Russia, Syria. Isn't it interesting it includes state sponsors of terror? We're looking at potentially three Russian warships coming in, making their way into Syrian ports. This is not good. We're seeing an axis of evil extend, potentially, once — if Iraq falls and it looks like Iran will come into and have dominance in Iraq.

    • rhubarbpie2

      Ah, the old domino theory. Though that's too complicated for Bachman. The old "Go Fish" theory?

      • Chichikovovich

        But the old domino theory held that the US needed to fight an overseas war in country Y to prevent powerful hostile country X from gaining dominance over Y. The new Bush Jr. Domino Theory holds that the US needs to fight an overseas war in country Y to allow powerful hostile country X to gain dominance over Y.

      • real_dc_native

        More proof for my theory that all of our shirts will be manufactured in the Mid East in twenty years.

    • HempDogbane

      Bachmann/Cheney 2012 !

      • Biff

        Since there's maybe one functioning brain and heart between them, who will be it's running mate?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Iranian dominance in Iraq? How on earth did that happen? Hennngh?

      • real_dc_native

        I'm sure the Iraqis will welcome their new Persian overlords.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Of course, Obama would want the Black Sea Fleet to upend American hegemony in the Mideast. Why did you think he named Undead Eldridge Cleaver SECDEF to replace Gates?

  • Master Janitor V572

    International markets rallied, the Dow closed up five hundred points, and rich people the world over were all very pleased with these developments.

    It's only been in the last few years of my life that I've had enough money invested to be worth paying attention to, and it still amazes me to find that, while sitting on my old man's skinny butt and commenting here, I've made or lost $x,000 or even $y0,000 on this day or that. You don't do a goddamn thing, and you make money. No wonder they're fighting so hard to preserve this system.

    Rent-seeking: beats the shit out of working!

    • prommie

      The market is a casino, and the financial industry, as a whole, is the House. And the House always wins. The gamblers win a lot, just a little less than half the time, in fact, but the House ALWAYS wins.

      • Master Janitor V572

        Two words: index funds. Sounds too easy to be true, particularly when there's an industry of expensively-suited former captains of the state-U golf team trained to convince you otherwise with focus-group-tested pitches, but it works.

        • prommie

          Tell me more, after yesterday, I may have some tens of thousands more to work with, might as well get out while the getting is good.

          • Master Janitor V572

            Read this. It's written by a witty neurologist for an intelligent audience. For God's sake don't buy it from those monsters at amazon.com.
            Spend time here. If you want, people will look at your portfolio and make detailed useful suggestions.

          • Biff

            My portfolio gained an amazing $13.61 yesterday! Where can I invest this princely sum to continue such gains? Short-term money markets ain't cutting it, but the options within my deferred comp system are quite limited…

          • Master Janitor V572

            Go create some jobs, then, will ya?Lesson 1: paying attention to day-to-day market changes is like listening to white-noise static instead of the radio station.

          • Chichikovovich

            Lesson 2: If you are not a professional trader, buying stocks so as to take advantage of day-to-day market changes is like playing poker without knowing the composition of the deck against people who do.

          • Master Janitor V572

            Exactly. One of the lessons in Four Pillars is that in every trade you make, you’re betting against people who spend all day doing this, who research companies thoroughly before investing in them or selling out of them, who get every imaginable newsletter, and who seek and pay for “insider” information from companies they invest in. Betting your 401(k) against those sharks is a sucker’s game, to be sure.

          • Biff

            Looking at my quarterlys makes me cry, though. At least let me have that one day of profits to remember!

          • GOPCrusher

            13.61? Hell, get yourself a half gallon of Hawkeye Vodka and celebrate!

  • Goonemeritus

    Hey if you are going to switch out our favorite ad with David Brooks can I suggest you soften the transition by having him pictured fellating a cucumber.

    • prommie

      He should be pictured fellating the Goldman Sachs executive committee. Oh, wait, they would never allow photos when he is doing that.

    • Chichikovovich

      I'm also seeing Olivia Munn, who is said to pose au naturel for her new ad. But unless it involves a serious engagement with l'amour des légumes it will be a sad disappointment.

  • prommie

    How can you all be so unfair to Michele? This is a post 9-11 world, people, and the Actors in History get to create reality, the scribes just follow behind describing what they have done. There is no shame, its not even a mistake, for Michele to make policy proposals based on non-existent thing, its no sin, no crime, to base policy on non-existent facts. Hell, we have invaded 2 or 3 countries now and killed hundreds of thousands of people, based on non-existent facts, myths, fantasies, and lies, we have spent trillions of dollars based on non-existent facts, we have dispensed with the Constitution and embraced torture and indefinite detention without trial, based on non-existent facts.

    • Chichikovovich

      And we still haven't invaded Spain yet. The USS Maine remains unavenged.

      • GOPCrusher

        But we have a really spiffy dirigible base in Guatanamo Bay, Cuba.

  • prommie

    We had a secretary of defense brave enough to say that we know where the non-existent weapons of mass destruction didn't exist, that they were not existing North, South, East, and West of Baghdad. We watched Condi Rice tell us, a year after we attacked the wrong country because of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, that it was never about actual weapons of mass destruction, it was always about potential possibilities of the existence of capabilities to reconstitute shut-down weapons of mass destruction research programs. Non-facts ruled our world for 8 years, our leaders, the Actors of History, made up reality, this became the official policy of the Executive Branch, that we can manufacture reality, no facts are necessary. Michele is just demonstrating that she is an Actor, that she can create reality like a true leader.

    • Master Janitor V572

      That's way more credit than Miche1e deserves. She's just a hideously engorged ego with no accomplishments or talents to support her high opinion of herself. She's vaguely attractive and the right has discovered that their lumpenproletariat true believers will vote for "the purty one" — cf: Sarah Palin. It's not hard to imagine Bachmann as Romney's veep candidate.

      Like Chimpy, she'd be a useful idiot for Haliburton and Lockheed Martin, although they're probably a bit scared of her as she didn't grow up sucking on the teat of the oil industry, get "gentleman's Cs" at the B-school, belong to Skull and Bones, etc. In other words: not the sort of chap you'd want in your club, if you know what I mean, old sport.

      • prommie

        GHWB used to display his brahmin upper-class contempt for "climbers" in public, quite often, when he would refer to other world leaders as "this guy over here, who does he think he is" in exactly the same tone and words that the membership committee at the club would use in considering a hopeless applicant, you know, not our sort, that kind of thing.

    • Biff

      Hate the game if you must, but don't hate the player…

  • hagajim

    We’ll do our best to convince ourselves he’s not just being deeply, deeply cynical here..

    I hope you try really really hard, because you know damn well that a little cunt like Cuntor is being deeply cynical. This country is in a hole deeper than a well diggers ass because these fuckers (and I mean all of them) refuse to pay for what they spend.

  • Redhead

    To be fair, if Bachmann's been watching Faux News, there's a REALLY good chance she's got Iran, Iraq and Egypt all mixed up.

  • GregComlish

    I propose we eliminate all government homosubsidies for homos and all funding for the the muslim youth empowerment league

  • A clevererer President than Obama would nominate her to be ambassador to the Red Lectroids on Planet 10 in the 8th dimension.

    • jqheywood

      So what…beeg deal…

    • GOPCrusher

      I think it would give it away when everyone was snickering when she accepted the position.

      • We could promise her a ride on the B-Ark. That would keep her quiet.

  • KommunistKitty

    Billionaire food stamps…that is when we give billionaires tax credits for eating baby-liver foie gras, right?

    • widestanceshakedown

      Tasting portion vouchers are the humane way to go.

    • prommie

      Fetal foie gras is the tenderest!

  • LettucePrey

    Michele's idea is a good one, actually. Maybe next we can build some kind of giant wall along China's border, to keep the Mongolians out?

    • Indiepalin

      The correct term here is "mongoloid"

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Just close the embassy in the next country over. Close enough. Or maybe all the ones that start with the letter I, just to be safe.

    • Biff

      Or end with -stan.

  • Guppy

    Obama conflates all of the United Kingdom into England.

    Bachmann confuses the United Kingdom with the United States.

    Which one will get more airtime on the AM circuit? More importantly, what would our Founding Fathers (peace be upon them) think about that?

    • GOPCrusher

      AM radio is still getting traction from the 57 states comment.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Seen on a bumper in Indiana while coming home from Thanksgiving. With a Picture of Lincoln on it: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." Never had much love for the GOP, but at this point one has to feel bad for the few reasonable/intelligent ones left.

  • DetectiveGrey

    Okay, let me get this straight:

    The NYT article states that John Boehner is calling any tax increase on the rich a job-killer, while next door in the Senate, there's Republican advocacy for reducing the size of the federal workforce by 10%, which actually involves directly killing jobs?

    Don't mind the red, it's just a blood vessel exploding in my brain.

    • GOPCrusher

      Rich people getting more tax cuts to hoard=good
      Everyone else getting tax cuts to spend=bad

  • Mumbly_Occupado

    “but by making them ineligible for unemployment compensation and food stamps.”

    I'm reminded of a quote:

    The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

  • Mumbly_Occupado

    But no seriously, the "rich people can't collect unemployment" thing is pretty obviously an attempt to turn unemployment benefits into "welfare", making it considerably easier to cut them later as something only the poors (and implicitly, blacks) avail themselves of, like Medicaid. It also makes it easier to underfund these things later, since suddenly these programs fall much more explicitly in the category of "job createrz subsidizing those shiftless poors" if the program is limited to poor people by law. This is at least part of why programs like Medicaid and Food assistance are prime targets for budget-cutting efforts, pretty much constantly.

    It's kinda important to keep in mind whenever anyone talks about means-testing Social Security or Medicare, since it's basically exactly the same strategy at work here.

  • DahBoner

    We could actually save a lot more money by closing our non-existant embassy on the moon.

    Do you know how much Halliburton charges for a tiny bottle of water at the concession stand up there????

  • mavenmaven

    Their actual food stamps are collectively known as "congress".

  • Nostrildamus

    Expect ballot measures to close our Iranian embassy in every swing state next year. Yay, voter turnout!

    • GOPCrusher

      And abolishing Sharia Law!

  • Nostrildamus

    Can you say House Permanent Select Committe on Intelligence?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Not with a straight face.

  • Nothingisamiss

    I can't believe I heard this wingiest wingnuttiest meme like, 3 months ago from a coworker. "Did you know they don't means test for food stamps???!!!! He had a story about how some LOTTERY WINNER STILL COLLECTED FOOD STAMPS! OUTRAGE!!

    I'm thinking, "So, when I went on food stamps for a brief time 20 years ago, were they going to look at my Honda and say 'No food for you! You have a car! And maybe a refrigerator!"

    I had no idea that this forced upon me by employment wingnut was on the very cutting edge of news.

  • Cantor isn't being cynical. He is just a right wing asshole.

  • DrBobNM

    "…Bachmann took to the stump to suggest America do the same…"

    OMG, she's such a freeking idiot

  • YasserArraFeck

    When is Shellie going to close up her non-factual presidential campaign?

  • ttommyunger

    Embassy closings? "All of them, Katie!"

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