#heblowsalotSociopathic kleptocrat billionaire Micheal Bloomberg came back from his castle on Bermuda to announce that buying three terms as New York’s mayor is the bestest present he could buy someone as awesome as himself, because he has “the seventh biggest army in the world” in the form of the NYPD, his own personal military force. You know who else had their own huge army, before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket?

PolitickerNY reports:

“I have my own army in the NYPD, which is the seventh biggest army in the world. I have my own State Department, much to Foggy Bottom’s annoyance. We have the United Nations in New York, and so we have an entree into the diplomatic world that Washington does not have,” Mayor Bloomberg said.

Well isn’t that special, Mikey.

As revolutions rage across the Western Industrialized World — from the millions on strike in the UK today, to the moral victory of the raided occupiers in Los Angeles and Philadelphia, to the coming shutdown of America’s entire West Coast — the power-mad lunatics like Bloomberg can be expected to make increasingly crazy pronouncements and command their forces to increasingly crazy violence against the citizens. But one day, the forces turn on the castle itself. [PolitickerNY]

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  • DaRooster

    I think we're about to cross the "Peaceful Protest" threshold…

    • Beetagger

      About damn time.

      • DaRooster

        At least if I get involved I may not get put down for not putting up (peacefully) with shit like being pepper sprayed… Hell, I wanted to beat the shit out of someone just watching others get sprayed.

    • GhostBuggy

      As a journalist, I'm looking forward to covering this and receiving clubbings, beatings and sprayings for my "safety."

    • Negropolis

      The Rubicon has been crossed! I repeat, the Rubicon has been crossed!

  • Uh, OK mike, who are you going to bomb?And if you're taking suggestions I have a few.

    • LesBontemps

      He's making a big mistake if he declares war on New Jersey. Just sayin.'

      • LesPaultard

        He's going the other way. Once he takes Connecticut, he's gonna roll all the way to Newfoundland before his supply lines get too thin.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Wrong. The invading horde will not get passed the Man from Nantucket.

      • Chris Christie will EATED HIM without mayonnaise.

    • Biff

      My guess? Albany is fucking toast.

  • gullywompr

    Talk about overcompensating…

    • Ruhe

      Isn't there an inverse square law describing this sort of thing that could give us an actual size estimate?

      • gullywompr

        Pretty sure nanotube measurements require electron scanning microscopes.

        • poncho_pilot

          and nobody can afford them because their NIH funding was cut.

        • Ooooo.

      • Biff

        No doubt the incriminating tweet is coming soon.

    • MrFizzy

      His army of one may be a platoon

    • But… How does your theory account for LBJ?

  • Is there something about becoming mayor of NYC that turns moderate republicans into power-hungry pseduo-despots?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I think that Bloomie was there a long time ago but he kept his "power-hungry pseudo-despot" flag somewhat hidden as a way of trying to be all things to all New Yorkers. Now it is shit-or-get-off-pot time that is approaching and he is letting it fly so his winged monkeys will do his bidding. "Now go do that voodoo that you do so well.." (I know; it's a mixed metaphor but what the hell)

    • Guppy

      "moderate republicans"

      I'm sorry, what?

    • Numbat_Dundee

      I think there's something about being a Republican that turns them into power-hungry pseudo-despots. Non-moderate Republicans simply drop the "pseudo" bit. It's so hard to spell!

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Let me give you more reasons to call me a fascist asshole," said the New York mayor.

    • I don't want to CALL him that. I want to tattoo it on his face with red-hot needles. Blunt, dirty red-hot needles. Wiv my foot on his froat.

  • SorosBot

    He's not even trying to hide his fascism anymore, is he?

    • Ruhe

      Actually I think he's running for President. I remember Bush II making similar claims about his experience given the size of Texas. "It's like I already been president of a big country and stuff!"

      • SorosBot

        Well that would make the "bipartisan" authoritarians over at the Washington Post spontaneously orgasm.

        • WunkRocker

          Pffft, can he SEE Russia? STFU and you too Koch.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Bloomberg-Scarbourough lives.

        • Fortunately, fewer than 2% of the nation will buy that shit, so they'll just have to come all over themselves, as they usually do. Aim for the chin, boys!

      • In this electoral climate, he'll be lucky if they don't drag him bodily into the public square for a burning and hanging.

  • prommie

    Sounds like he's preparing to jump into the race.

  • Uh, no. Beating up and pepper spraying unarmed protesters and/or shooting unarmed civillians does not an Army make unless you're a 3rd world dictator.

    • HogeyeGrex

      unless you're a 3rd world dictator.

      You're starting to catch on.

    • Negropolis

      Hey, his army is just catching up with the national circumstance. We need a Third Wolrd army to match a Third World nation.

      You know who else used their country's third iteration of government to supress his people with a brutal police presence?

  • Captain_Quark

    Y'know, Benito Mussoilini had his own army. And look where that ultimately got him: shot full of holes and strung up along with his mistress. The good people of New York could take an example from this and brighten up the holidays by making Mikey the leading ornament on the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Who knows, maybe some creative genius will offer a "lynched tyrant" line of tree ornaments this year. I know I'd buy one.

    • OneDollarJuana

      More recently, Saddam Hussein had his own army and he wound up hanging by his neck while the audience tweeted his execution, or Muammar Gaddafi, who wound up raped in the ass and shot full of holes.

    • Ruhe

      "Take the Bloomberg-head-kick challenge. It's the new P-90X!"

  • BarackMyWorld

    You know who else asked "who else had their own huge army, before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket"?

    • mereoblivion

      BarackMyWorld? (No wait, he(?)'s the answer to "You know who *else* asked 'You know who *else* asked "You know who *else* had their own . . ." ' ")
      My brain hurts.

    • Jacques Pepin?

      Oh sorry.. I thought you said "handcrafted French baguette." Make it Porfirio Diaz, then.

    • gullywompr

      August Ferdinand Möbius?

    • SorosBot

      Charles I?

    • Chichikovovich

      I think you mean "You know who else had their own huge army and asked "You know who else had their own huge army, and asked the question in italics before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket?" before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket?"

      • BarackMyWorld


        • Even *I* didn't try that, dood. This time.

          • BarackMyWorld

            I think we just killed the meme.

          • Negropolis

            You know who else was known for killing memes?

            OK, I think I just killed it with that one. lol

          • No, wait, that was MEEEE!

            Sorry. For a moment, there, I was possessed by teh spirit of Joe Lieberman.

          • I'll split the blame with you, 50-50.

      • ShaveTheWhales


    • Toomush_Infer

      It's the Redundancy Conundrum regain….

    • RadiosTyrone

      I think the problem here is that the "ykwe?" meme was invoked by an overlord editor. What used to be the domain of the commentariat has become hijacked by the high and mighty. Hence the confusion, merciless.

      • Generation[redacted]


    • Angry_Marmot

      Danton to Robespierre? To Tinker to Evers to Chance?

    • Le Roi Soleil? Wait, no, that was a different one.

    • yyyaz

      Ron Popeil to Martha Stewart?

    • Numbat_Dundee

      Louis the Cliche

  • MrFizzy

    A Jew channeling Hermann Goering, how nice.

    • Beowoof

      Sort of the Animal Farm angle.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I can change the sense of that line entirely with one hyphen.

      "A Jew-channeling Hermann Goering, how nice. "

      Or maybe it's not so different, after all.

      • MrFizzy

        Now that's a little frightening

    • Yeah, Bloomberg sends my irony meter into a spinning tizzy most days. But then again, so does the fucking Israeli Government, the fascist shites.

    • yyyaz

      I thought Henry the K had trademarked that role.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Plus, he could see the Russian Tea Room from his house

    • poncho_pilot

      it sounds more like he wants to see the Russian soldiers from an opposing trench. in the middle of winter, of course.

      • Well, the time's certainly drawing nigh. Let's send his ass there!

      • Negropolis

        Things ultimately didn't work out for Germany so well either, in all of that, if I remember correctly. lol

    • fuflans

      i hope sarah palin wasn't there.

  • owhatever

    Don't call Hizzonor a power-mad lunatic. He is not power mad.

    • He has not ze power. Everything else is true enough.

  • lefty74

    Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor ? Hell no! And it ain't over now!
    Neidermeyer, Bloomberg!

    • Negropolis

      Was it over when the Japenese sacked the French in Paris? I think not!

  • GuanoFaucet

    May Occupy Wall Street be your Waterloo, you Lilliputian emperor.

    • Biff

      Has anyone 'shopped him wearing a bicorn hat?

  • SexySmurf

    Who's Foggy Bottom? Bloomberg's favorite gay porn star? And why is he annoyed?

    • emmelemm

      That was my question as well. I'm not exactly "well informed", but I'm unclear as to who or what Foggy Bottom is.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It's a metonym. (Don't thank me.)

      • Sparky_McGruff

        It's the neighborhood of DC where the State Department is located. Or, it's the result of eating the empanadas from the food truck. Your choice.

    • HuddledMass

      Former diplobrat to the rescue! Foggy Bottom = "United States Department of State, which is housed in a building in a low-lying area of Washington near the Potomac River"

  • Ruhe

    Who in the fuck describes their city's police force as an army?

    • DaRooster

      Unstable Fucks?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Somebody who really wants to use their police force as an army, I suppose.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Someone who got a LOT of military equipment from DHS.

    • Callyson

      Mayor Daley, 1968?

    • An_Outhouse


      • WunkRocker

        But srsly. It is an army of fat-assed crooks. The rest of 'merica has bigger guns and more time on their hands due to you rich fucks fucking the economy so hard. Remember when Barry talked about the BITTERS in 2008? Yeah, they haven't exactly sweetened.

    • GOPCrusher


      • Why you bringing that bastard into this? He was getting all his guns and money from the fucking ColdWarCrazies at the CIA. Thanks to him, millions lost their lives, the sick fuck. And America can't praise him enough.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Why am I hearing the Clash's "English Civil War" playing in the background…?
      "The new party army, came marching right over our heads"….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The Pope.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Deng Xiaopeng?

    • Negropolis

      Sarah Palin's Alaska National Guard?

      • Guppy

        She'd be more likely to include some secessionist militia groups as being on her side than the AKNG.

  • prommie

    Just for history, the Bloomberg used to be a democrat, and supposedly still is, but when he couldn't buy the democratic nomination for mayor, he found that the republicans were willing to sell, so he bought that one. He is, literally, a RINO. He stands zero chance of winning the GOP nomination, if thats what he's after. But I do wonder if he is thinking 3rd party.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Combining the worst of the GOP and the Dems is not much of a formula for a third party.

  • "I am in control here."

    • WunkRocker

      Alexander, how are you? How is hell?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Bloomie is his own Fag Haig.

      • I thought that was Ozymandias.

  • Joshua Norton

    You know who else had their own huge army, before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket?

    Always a pleasure to meet someone who appreciates the classics.

    • Geminisunmars

      And good crafts.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Perhaps he could serve as Prime Minister when Putin becomes President again?

    But seriously, wow, on the other hand, that's sort of awesome. To quote my assigned seat mate on a LA to NY flight a few years ago, who, as we were landing at JFK, raised both of her thumbs high in the air: "New York! NEW York! Woo!"

    • littlebigdaddy

      New York City…just like I pictured it…skyscrapers and everything!

      • Stevie Wonder. He was "Little Stevie Wonder" when I was a kid, and damn, when I heard that number I was so like "I ain't NEVAH goin' to New York. Or hold no packages for NOBODY, neither." (I was younger then, and not as alert to the finer points of double negatives.)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      To be fair, that could have been code for "Not Los Angeles! NOT Los Angeles! Woo!"

  • MrsBiggTime

    With that large an army, friendly fire is always a possibility, Generalisimo Bloomberg.

    • GOPCrusher

      So is a coup d'etat.

    • He won't think it's so fucking friendly when it removes his left hind cheek.

  • When I was a little kid I had my own Army.

  • DaRooster

    "…we have an entree into the diplomatic world that Washington does not have."

    You use this word "diplomatic" as if you know what it means…

    • Barrelhse

      And entree is lunch.

    • Guppy

      It means "unenforceable parking tickets."

  • elviouslyqueer


    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Be my guest … Bloomie ain't there. (Wasn't as nice as his own digs.)

      • No harm in getting the homeless to #Occupy it, then.

    • Negropolis

      You'll have to kick out all of Guiliani's mistresses, first. Yes, they are still holed up in there.

  • Beowoof

    Shorty has himself a Napoleon complex. I think the Zuccotti eviction could lead to his Waterloo. One can still have hope.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I guess that Staten Island would be a rough parallel with Saint Helena.

    • schvitzatura

      Remains of the 1er Regiment de Grenadiers-à-Pied will be guarding Emperor Bloomie, at the last.

  • Trannysurprise

    Bloomy may have his own army, but we here in Washington have THE FUCKING ARMY.

    So suck it, asshole.

    • Beowoof

      He seemed to miss the fact he doesn't have an air force or navy. His island nation state could run into some supply line issues.

      • WunkRocker

        Aaaaand someone's already proven he's extremely vulnerable to unarmed passenger aircraft.

      • Someone should point out to him that if Washington ever decides to cut the bridges to his city, he's gonna be singing a very different tune.

    • GOPCrusher

      George Washington had to retreat from New York.

      • OKthennext

        Kurt Russell had to escape from New York.

        • WunkRocker

          I thought you were dead?

          • OKthennext

            "You and everybody else."

  • Lucidamente1

    Yeah, but nothing will ever top Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo's boast that his police force "could take on Cuba and win."

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Jesus. I had completely forgotten Frank Rizzo. Thanks a lot.

    • "Just wait until after November, you'll have a front row seat because I'm going to make Attila the Hun look like a faggot." – Rizzo, during 1975 reelection campaign

      But interestingly enough, it was Wilson Goode in 1985 who bombed the MOVE house and burned down 65 others.

  • byepluto

    I guess that's the closest Bloomberg can ever get to being the Commander in Chief, eh?

    • Michele BatShitKrayKrayMann aside, I don't think us short people have much of a prayer of even getting in the running for that position. Ask Dennis Kucinich.

  • Lucidamente1

    Paging Mr. Sandburg, Mr. Sandburg, stat:

    "The czar has eight million men with guns and bayonets
    Nothing can happen to the czar.
    The czar is the voice of God and shall live forever.
    Turn and look at the forest of steel and cannon
    Where the czar is guarded by eight million soldiers.
    Nothing can happen to the czar."

    They said that for years and in the summer of 1914,
    As a portent and an assurance they said with owl faces:
    "Nothing can happen to the czar,"
    Yet the czar and his bodyguard of eight million vanished
    And the czar stood in a cellar before a little firing squad
    And the command of fire was given
    And the czar stepped into regions of mist and ice
    The czar traveled into an ethereal uncharted Siberia.

  • user-of-owls

    And to think that people say he's not a real New Yorker.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Slogan: He kept us them SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Theme song. Jimmy Reed 'Bright Lights, Big City"

    or 'Big Boss Man'
    or "Going to New York'

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey Bloomberg, you dumbass one-percenter — it's not yours. You're just borrowing it from the people for a while. Longer than you deserve, but just a while.

  • Joshua Norton

    We have the United Nations in New York, and so we have an entree into the diplomatic world that Washington does not have,

    I have no idea what point he's trying to make here. New York has no more say in what happens at the UN than Virginia has any say about what happens at the Pentagon.

    If it wasn't for tilting at windmills, this guy wouldn't get any exercise at all.

  • Not_So_Much

    All that shit is his very own? Not for the people of NYC?

    It's a bummer you're so short and have spent your life compensating for that and your tiny dick. But, seriously, fuck you Mike.

  • …before their heads rolled into a handcrafted French basket?

    Who among us peasants can afford such a thing?

    Hizzoner's head can roll into a knockoff made in China, bought at Walmart.

    • DaRooster

      Just remarkable… see right below… crazy, man.

    • Rotundo_

      A Home Depot orange 5 gallon bucket. Or if someone working at McDonalds can spare one, a green pickle slice bucket.

  • DaRooster

    Are "Hand-Crafted French Baskets" made in China yet… or is France truer to their citizens than we are?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, if you want the geniune Lous Vuitton Hand Crafted French Basket, it's $2,850.00 at their Madison Avenue shop. The knockoffs down in Chinatown are only $19.99, but they're good enough to catch a dozen heads before the cardboard parts get mushy.

      • DaRooster

        For $19.99 I would volunteer for about 8 or nine heads at this point… as long as I get to choose-
        Paul Ryan
        Michele (1 fucking L… really?)

  • PhilippePetain

    Yeah, my beleaguered hope for democratic change is wearing very thin. There's nothing I would like to see more than this man taken from his home, tarred and feathered, and driven from the city.

    Sorry. My sense of humor is apparently on the outs as well.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Awwww, Bloomie has a hard-on for himself.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Good — telling him to go fuck himself now has at least an air of plausibility.

      • He should live so long. His microweenie doesn't reach that far.

  • Callyson

    “The difference between my level of government and other levels of government is that action takes place at the city level,” Mayor Bloomberg said. “The cities and mayors are where you deal with crime, you deal with real immigration problems, you deal with health problems, you deal with picking up the garbage.”
    OK, Mr Mayor, may I suggest you start dealing with your fine city's garbage that has run amok on Wall Street? Starting with the pile up at 200 West St?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Yes, the NYPD facing off against mostly unarmed, untrained civilians instead of another opposing highly trained armed military is exactly what makes NYPD an "army." Mayor Mike sure is a dope, and way to go even envisioning the idea of a police force as a military force.

  • smitallica

    Suck my dick, Bloomberg. It shoots protein, which is really just a food product, essentially.

  • Well, the fact that in his official Gracie Mansion portrait, he wears a bicorne, a waistcoat and sticks his hand inside his shirt, should have been a clue the kind of mayor we elected.

  • Eve8Apples

    Hey Bloomie – Why don't you use your big bad Army to march down to Wall Street and arrest the white collar crooks who brought the nation's and world's economies to near total collapse in the fall of 2008.

    I read that the 2008 financial meltdown resulted in a loss of 12 trillion dollars in assets (4 trillion dollars in lost real estate value lost and mutual and stock losses of 8 trillion dollars). I haven't seen how much total job income has been lost, but I'm pretty sure it exceeds a trillion dollars.

    You ain't man enough to use your Army to take on the real criminals in your city. Instead, you'll pick on some teenage African American kid who holds up a convenience store and gets away with a carton of cigarettes and a couple hundred bucks.

    An Army is worthless unless the general has enough hair on his nuts to use it.

    • DaRooster

      Oh, He has the fuzz to use it against the peaceful protests… but I think/hope we iz about to get busy…

    • Whenever we children would get overly arrogant, my father would fix us with a kindly stare and say, "When the first hair sprouts on your arse, be sure to come back and announce it. After that, we'll let you give us your opinions about everything."

      It usually sent us slinking shamefacedly away.

  • DaSandman

    Mayor Bloomberg, Madam Defarge…Madam DeFarge, Mayor Bloomberg.

    It's about to get really nasty. Hope Mikey's got a good speech ready for his ride in the tumbrel…

  • hagajim

    What a complete dillhole. Fuck you Mikey and fuck your army. If New Yorkers (the regular ones) wanted to they'd just steamroll your ass – cops or not.

  • chascates

    Then take on the Kochs and their army. Preferably in Utah or Nevada.

    • Biff

      I think the CAVE people here in Nevada would welcome that, sadly.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Maybe he's been working on a clone army? BTW that was the worst movie ever.

  • mavenmaven

    He's still no one until he performs in drag on SNL.

  • chascates

    Now wait for Trump to up the ante by offering Rudy Giuliani a field marshal's baton.

  • DahBoner

    On the plus side, think of all the lawn chairs he had installed so fat tourists could take a load off…

  • meatlofer

    Does your Army hold it's wars in New Jersey? Like your fucking football teams do?

  • widestanceshakedown

    What's left for this man who has everything but enough testosterone to sound like a man when speaking on the phone?

    • A handcrafted French basket?

      Ah ! ça ira, ça ira, ça ira

  • My name is Michaew Bwoombeg, biwwionaire. I own a mansion and a awmy.

    • Chichikovovich

      Shhhh… I'm hunting wascawy wadicals.

    • SorosBot

      Welease Woger!

      • Chichikovovich

        No! Welease Wodewick!

      • Angry_Marmot

        But he's a wapist and a wobber!

  • He also has his own Mandingo-sized black dildo.

  • Nostrildamus
  • Toomush_Infer

    Shit, what's left to be said: start spreading the news….

  • Barrelhse

    Blow, Mikey, blow! Suck is just a figure of speech.

  • El Pinche

    What? Does he plan on invading Jersey or Syracuse? WHO THE FUCK CARES, ASSHOLE!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    That cut from the article made about as much sense as a chocolate cheese coffee pot.

  • Ancient_Hacker

    You know, he's crazy. Wikipedia says the NYPD has 35,000 officers. Add in the school crossing guards, and it doesnt break 50,000. Also looking in wikipedia under army sizes, there must be 200 countries with larger armies.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He was talking about waist size.

    • Chichikovovich

      Measuring armies by the size of their arsenal, though, he might have a point.

  • user-of-owls

    You may have the goons, asshole, but we're the Dead Ráibéad

  • JackObin

    A square Miles Davis.

  • Rotundo_

    And when he finally crossed the line by declaring New York City a country the Marines invaded, finding not only no resistance whatsoever, but amazingly, all streets cleared with a series of signs with arrows leading them to the Mayor with the same caption: "This way to the little asshole"

    • He may a short little shrimp of a squirt, but I beg to differ with you on that caption. I'm sure our ever-innovative New Yorkers would insist on "This way to the GIANT fucking asshole."

  • horsedreamer_1

    The first New Yorker to cite his own Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines?

    You guessed it… Ol' Dirty Bastard.

    • Negropolis

      May he rest in peace.

  • RavenRant

    The 'New York is so-o-o-o much better/smarter/hipper/more sophisticated than Los Angeles' folks have to STFU.

    We had the sense to hand psycho billionaire Meg Whitman her ass, with an extra-large boot print on it. New Yorkers have elected this comic book villain pindick THREE TIMES!

    • WunkRocker

      Yes, but as I told those assholes in Campaign California that were giving me grief about living in the Jesse Helms state; "you fuckers gave us Nixon and Reagan."

  • If the NYPD is his Army what are the Rockettes?

    • not that Dewey

      Comfort women?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      His "Ukrainian Nurse Bodyguards"?

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Suggest he turn that personal army of his loose on Nassau County.

  • ttommyunger

    "…….now if I only had a normal penis instead of this laughable little gherkin."

  • Negropolis

    It must suck to have such a tiny dick, huh, Micro-Penis Mike? The Battle of Wall Street, eh? We have not yet begun to fight!

    BTW, anyone missing that NYPD is being cut, from what I hear? You can't fuck with your army, Bloomberg, and expect it to have your back when shit gets really real. You haven't even yet seen what's to come.

  • datateday

    One of the world's largest castles, that is.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Why is there a picture of David Brooks on this page? What happened to Kortney and her vegetable?

  • lloydstool

    Tall, handsome, generous and smart. Gay-marry me, Mikey!

  • KennyCB

    When Jackboots Last in Door-yard Bloomberg'd: An Elegy

    Thus spake our Führer, Herr Mike:
    "Begins now my thousand-year Reich!
    I bought a third term
    Will make liberals burn.
    So, shut up — and ride your damn bike!"

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