CIVIL LIBERTIES SAY WHAT  5:16 pm November 30, 2011

Running Low On New Wars, Senate Declares U.S. Soil Latest ‘Battlefield’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Against whom?

Good news, everyone! Ever since launching major foreign invasions got a little too expensive and pointless (mostly expensive) even for Congress, and Times Are Tough, our nations’ lawmakers have decided to start “focusing on the domestic issues” like everyone keeps asking them to do, ad nauseum. But since it is impossible for Congress to agree any piece of legislation relating to actual domestic issues like, say, rising poverty, they’ve defaulted back to their only known area of total agreement, “permanent war.” So here’s an idea, what if there were a way to just combine the two? Oooh, the Senate likey: yesterday they passed a bill effectively declaring the United States its own shiny new warzone that would codify the military’s power to hunt on its own soil for anyone — foreign national or American citizen — that they determine meets the vaguely-worded criteria of being “a participant in the course of planning or carrying out an attack or attempted attack against the United States” and ship them off to an internment camp to rot away without trial, forever. Will Bradley Manning finally get some company from his fellow citizens?

There were many, many idiotic defenses of this rancid bill that passed with bipartisan support, but let’s hear from our old standard warmonger neocon jaw-flapping pal Lindsey Graham as he drops yet another pick-up line on longtime crush John McCain, who co-sponsored the bill. Via HuffPo:

“The enemy is all over the world. Here at home. And when people take up arms against the United States and [are] captured within the United States, why should we not be able to use our military and intelligence community to question that person as to what they know about enemy activity?” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said.

“They should not be read their Miranda Rights. They should not be given a lawyer,” Graham said.

Opponents of the bill tried in vain to point out that the FBI and Homeland Security already get billions of dollars to stop domestic terrorists instead of more reasonably pointing out that this legislation is completely insane, but since those guys have such a horrible track record of “no successful major terrorist attacks in the U.S. since 9/11,” this obviously calls for the military to use its war powers to indefinitely detain “enemy combatants” (whoever they are, probably everyone who refused to go shopping on Black Friday?) against its own citizens.

Doesn’t that sound, uh, vaguely unconstitutional, sort of? Nah, said the bill’s other sponsor, Democrat Carl Levin of Michigan, in his floor speech:

The Supreme Court said — and I’m going to read these words again – “there is no bar to this nation’s holding one of its own citizens as an enemy combatant.”

Yeah, Levin’s probably right. The 14th-century legal concept of habeus corpus was just getting to be a little too “progressive.” Better stick to the older, more tried-and-true “military rule” concept favored by leaders for helping the restive masses learn to shut the hell up. [NYTimes/HuffPo/Daily Kos]

 
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{ 272 comments }

actor212 November 30, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Now, we're finally like all the cool countries: Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Venezuela….

I feel so happy, I could have sex with the soil!

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Newt, is that you?

GeorgiaBurning November 30, 2011 at 9:01 pm

You left North Korea off the list. No dirt for you!

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:15 pm

You know, there's a party for people like you.

Maman November 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Naturally this will be used against OWS protesters

OneYieldRegular November 30, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'm afraid "Occupy Bradley Manning's Cell" is NOT going to mean what OWS protesters hoped it would mean.

SorosBot November 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

What part of "No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation" don't these motherfuckers understand?

hollywooddood November 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

All of it, Katie.

BarackMyWorld November 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

All of it, Katie.

Edit: D'oh!

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

It's just a goddam piece of paper.

sati_demise November 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

War on Terror(tm)!

Not just for Muslims anymore.

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Too Long, Did Not Believe In Rule of Law.

Chillwaver November 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

But then of course it's Barry and the libruls the ones who "shit on the Constitution."

Swampgas_Man November 30, 2011 at 6:34 pm

You think Barry and The Liberals will veto this piece of shit?

Chillwaver November 30, 2011 at 6:42 pm

According to the HuffPost article, the WH has already threatened do veto it.

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Whew! That is something actually good to hear, for once.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Sounds like creeping Sharia law to me, SorosBot.

RadiosTyrone November 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

It's that backdoor Talmudic law that gets me.

HistoriCat November 30, 2011 at 9:01 pm

The Talmud has a law for everything!

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Even buttsechs, apparently.

Wut? Wut ELSE is "backdoor Talmudic law" s'posed to mean?

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

C'mon, they know how to read. It's just that they think "No person" means "Any person, at our discretion", and "nor" means "likewise".

Native_of_SL_UT November 30, 2011 at 6:23 pm

They also believe that the "life, liberty, or property," part is covered if they just give you a remote control to the TV in your jail cell.

snarkycomments November 30, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Kind of like how "bad" means cool and "fat" means snazzy. Jeez, Congress, these days, with their fancy emoticons and "hip" terms and slang. It's hard to keep up.

Ms_Anthrope November 30, 2011 at 8:55 pm

They're leaders not readers.

Sharkey November 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm

(snark off)
"…except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger…"

Heard of the War on Terror? It's just an excuse of course, but the geniuses we send to Congress think it's a "real" war.

Mumbly_Occupado November 30, 2011 at 6:25 pm

"…except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger…"

Operative word being "in", Sharkey? Unless mine eyes and reading comprehension doth decieve me, that's talkin' 'bout Court Martials, not greenlighting a secret police.

Of course, I'm sure Republicans don't see it that way, because in their eyes, literacy's for pussies.

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 7:41 pm

As a joe, you don't happen to live downstairs, do you?

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:18 am

Goddamn, I'm making jokes that only one person in the occupy the galaxy movement will get. Friggin predicates.

Sharkey November 30, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Splitting semantic hairs here, maybe "cases" is the operative word. "Legal cases" or just "law enforcement-related instances"?

"No person shall be held to answer…"
Maybe that is the problem.

Why do I want to understand how people can actually quote the Constitution but be completely ignorant as to it's real meaning? This is not something I should want to know about.

I mean, if our future is just a perpetual debate over the interpretation of the Constitution, maybe we need a new one because the existing one is too vague! AHHHH! They win!

(p.s. not accusing sorosbot here…)

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:51 am

Word. In the most literal of interpretations.

GeorgiaBurning November 30, 2011 at 8:00 pm

If it's not the second amendment they get a bit fuzzy. Betcha Halliburton or Wackenhut is already making plans for a nice gulag (or five) in the desert someplace.

donner_froh November 30, 2011 at 8:12 pm

They already have them–prisons owned by for profit companies for those detained by the INS. Here is your gulag.

Biff November 30, 2011 at 8:27 pm

There's one high above my nearest town, where their bright lights can fuck up the formerly dark skies we enjoyed. This CCA "campus" houses "guests" of the US Marshal's Service.

Dashboard_Jesus December 1, 2011 at 2:00 am

fucking MAJOR WIN! *golf clap*

MrFizzy November 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

We should put Lindsey Graham and Jerry Sandusky in the same cell. That would keep them both happy and out of the way.

Biff November 30, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Lindsey's an old hag; Jerry prefers the youngs.

mavenmaven November 30, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I guess all of us wonketeers will soon get to meet one another in person, between waterboarding sessions.

PhilippePetain November 30, 2011 at 5:41 pm

That ain't water.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Stands to reason. You've heard the saying "armed only with their wits", right? Just shows that wit is a kind of weapon. And Congress represents the country, so deploying your wits against Congress is taking up arms against your country.

I just hope the Wonketeers outside the US remember to write to us.

(And if I don't get to the border in time, I get dibs on the softest part of the ground to sleep on!)

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I get dibs on the softest part of the ground

Sounds terribly romantic. Anyone needs me, meanwhile, I'll be hiding out somewhere in Barb et. al's earlier thread-cascade of deportation-destination fantasies.

Angry_Marmot November 30, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Just shows that wit is a kind of weapon.

The good news being, Congress is only half-armed.

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:17 pm

In addition to being half-assed. Lopsided bastids.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:21 am

Here's a quarter

Suck My Balls December 1, 2011 at 12:51 am

Sweet! I'll be the one crying like a little bitch.

ManchuCandidate November 30, 2011 at 5:23 pm

War for the people, by the people, on the people.

memzilla November 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Say, you know who else had laws allowing his military to arrest his own citizens… ?

ManchuCandidate November 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Everyone.

BarackMyWorld November 30, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Herbert Hoover?

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Mike Bloomberg?

weejee November 30, 2011 at 5:38 pm

The Beasts of England?

PhilippePetain November 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Amenhotep?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Jesus?

RadiosTyrone November 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Ho Chi Minh? That one's for you Walnuts.

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Ho Chi Minh was more of a democrat than any of the turds in Congress today.

RavenRant December 1, 2011 at 3:26 am

Except the 38 Senators who voted for the amendment to stop this atrocity. Enough to allow a veto, which O promised.

horsedreamer_1 November 30, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Charles V Habsburg?

donner_froh November 30, 2011 at 8:15 pm

George III?

Dok-cupy Everything November 30, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Mad Lord Snapcase?

SoTired November 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

President Snow from The Hunger Games?

GuanoFaucet November 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Lindsey is so afraid of the enemy here at home, he spends all his time hiding in the closet.

RadiosTyrone November 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm

We're gonna need more closets.

ShitFilledExistence November 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I've always been quite fond of juntas.

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Well I hear Idi Amin is doing consulting now, so he might be good for a few pointers.

Maman November 30, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Did you grow up in South or Central America? They always seemed to have one or another…

Angry_Marmot November 30, 2011 at 7:47 pm

A tragic misunderstanding. We thought he wanted a junta, while Senator Graham was crying out to the handsome poolboys for punta, punta gorda.

BaldarTFlagass November 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Man, them libertarian fuckers I know are gonna be short-strokin' this shit all over the place.

BarackMyWorld November 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Guilty until proven innocent at your non-existent trial.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

You'll have every right to defend yourself, just like Bradley Manning does, when they let him have his clothes and talk to his lawyer and sleep, just before the military tribunal where they can now try him on hearsay evidence that his lawyer doesn't get to see before the trial or dispute in the trial.

See? You'll get your damn trial, you liberal whiner.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Kafka weeps.

Or, maybe, just snickers.

cheetojeebus November 30, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Levin, Casey…??what the FUCK?

Indiepalin November 30, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Senator Levin sounds like he needs to spend more time in that very bar.

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Foreign wars are too expensive. We need to fight them over here so we don't have to fight them over there.

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Seriously, Nebraska is way cheaper than anyplace you can get to from San fran.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Memo to Pentagon: New York is really expensive … you can save big money by fighting this war against red state citizens. Plus, they have guns, which will make it more interesting and war-like.

LiveToServeYa December 1, 2011 at 6:52 am

Also, there's less chance of hurting an innocent person.

coolhandnuke November 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm

With this swell news, we inch closer and closer to the good ol' days of just three classes of people–slaves, warriors and the church/rich. Now the warriors–ordered by the rich–have the power to haul in any slave.

Dok-cupy Everything November 30, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Wait–I thought I was Chaotic Good!!

memzilla November 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Yeah, that whole Posse Comitatus thing was just so burdensome. And wordy.

poorgradstudent November 30, 2011 at 5:57 pm

And sounds French.

Guppy November 30, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Southern Republicans want the Army to act as law enforcement.

And now we have come full circle. Too bad history education in Dixie is so poor, or someone there might actually appreciate the irony.

GeorgiaBurning November 30, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Occupy Atlanta. Again.

BaldarTFlagass November 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I'd settle for another March to the Sea.

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Only if we get to burn it, and everything on either side, down to the ground. Start again from scratch.

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 10:40 pm

So full of win.

Maman November 30, 2011 at 7:24 pm

It will take me forever to learn to spell that. I prefer just a Hue and Cry

HistoriCat November 30, 2011 at 9:09 pm

"Someone said pussy committee? No way I'm dropping out of the race now!" – Herman Cain

Trannysurprise November 30, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I don't know about you guys, but I am getting sick and tired of paying for Lindsey Graham Cracker's inability to just come out of the closet.

So we now have to permanently flush Habeas Corpus down the toilet because he can't admit he wants to suck a cock?

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Maybe he wants to refashion the doctrine into habeas dickus.

doloras November 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

A Latin nerd writes: you mean "habeas mentulam". Hope this helps.

elfgoldsackring November 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Fag.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Why so sad, Doloras?

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Hey, this is a blog for dick jokes! If it doesn't have dick in it then it ain't got dick, or something.

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:23 pm

No, that would be the *rest* of the Republican party, who are busy outlawing females even as we speak.

glamourdammerung November 30, 2011 at 10:25 pm

So we now have to permanently flush Habeas Corpus down the toilet because he can't admit he wants to suck a cock?

A cock? Like just one?

Chillwaver November 30, 2011 at 5:32 pm

You know who else wanted to bomb their own citizens?

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

General Francisco Franco?

HarryButtle November 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Philadelphia Mayor Wilson Goode?

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Only at teh Wonketz does anyone even remember that prick anymore.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Parliament/Funkadelic?

poncho_pilot November 30, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Milo Minderbinder?

Bloomberg?

RadiosTyrone November 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Steve Guttenberg?

horsedreamer_1 November 30, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Augusto Pinochet?

PhilippePetain November 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

SITTEN ZIE DOWN UNT LEARN TO AKCEPT ZEE NEW VEY OF TINGS!!!

PhilippePetain November 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Which makes me wonder if the "overacted, excitable authoritarian voice" in campy films is going to sound a bit less…"continental" sixty years from now.

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 10:25 pm

You mean "more American," don't you?

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 10:44 pm

When fascism comes to America, it'll be wrapped in a Southern accent, deep fried, and slathered in butter and oil.

RavenRant November 30, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Extra Crispy!

Native_of_SL_UT November 30, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Zine Zie paper!

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Well to be fair, putting the military in charge of domestic security does reduce violent attacks. Just ask Mexico.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

And on the other side of the coin, look what happened when Costa Rica – seeing the effects of an autonomous military culture in the neighboring countries – just did away with its military altogether in 1949. They've had to endure the hell of stable democracy, a social safety net and no civil wars in sixty years, in contrast with the Reagan-nourished paradises around them.

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 7:21 pm

True, but the rest of Central America gives them swirlies every day after lunch and they always get picked last for Dodge Cannonball.

MaxNeanderthal November 30, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Barkin'mad Old mother Hubbardistas, Cruise and Travolta are already planning "Battlefield Earth" sequel, "Battlefield USA".
Or should that be Haldeman's "Forever War"?

edgydrifter November 30, 2011 at 5:35 pm

If Joe Lieberman is the first guy to get disappeared as an enemy of the state, it's going to be tough maintaining my outrage over this.

poorgradstudent November 30, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Hmm…well, he does undermine his own country' in order to benefit a foreign government.

Swampgas_Man November 30, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Problem is, he'll be one of the deciders of who gets disappeared.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:40 pm

A lot of Stalin's buddies thought they were deciders, too.

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Wolverines!

schvitzatura December 1, 2011 at 4:06 am

the chair is against the wall, the chair is against the wall, john has a long mustache, john has a long mustache

Tundra Grifter December 1, 2011 at 11:31 am

schvitzatura:

"If a fox stole your chickens; Would you slaughter your pig because he saw the fox?"

Isn't that what we did in Iraq after people trained in Afghanistan attacked us on 9/11?

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm

This is going to make the whole "where do I want to retire" decision a lot easier for Bashar al-Assad.

poorgradstudent November 30, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Well…will Americans at least get food other than ramen and health care in military custody?

Eve8Apples November 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I look forward to the day when Seal Team 6 tracks down and kills an anti-choice terrorist planning to bomb a Planned Parenthood Clinic or murder a doctor on U.S. soil.

MrFizzy December 1, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Christ don't give them any ideas

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

How dare you lead with a Professor Fransworth reference then quote Ms. Lindsey in the same posting! It's neither natural nor right.

Angry_Marmot November 30, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Huh wha…?!

Toomush_Infer November 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Wait, if I read this right, doesn't this mean we can start with Lindsey Graham (Levin's too old – just put him out on the ice)?…. 'cause this is definitely Terror I'm feeling here….

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Why the hell does this even make sense? Trying to look tough in an election year does not constitute sufficient reason to burn the fucking Constitution, motherfuckers.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Hopey'd better veto this, or we'll have to stop calling him "Hopey."

poncho_pilot November 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Ober-Hopey.

RadiosTyrone November 30, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I'm sure he'll be morally strong on this one. And even if isn't, I'm really sure SCOTUS will knock it down — right after they disembowel Obamacare, of course.

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

He's already threatened to, fortunately. Alas, it's in the damn Defense Appropriation Bill, which funds the military, which means many congresspeople will vote for it by default regardless of what's in it.

Mumbly_Occupado November 30, 2011 at 6:23 pm

And also God forbid a Democrat look "weak on Defense". Speaking of which, remember back when Bush actually did veto a Defense Appropriations Bill, for putting a mildly suggested timeline on his pet Forever Wars?

Good times.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Great … he can flush this shit legislation, and (temporarily) save a trillion bucks!

Wonderthing November 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Yay! Another freedom we won't be burdened with! My god, it's getting so all you have to do is wait for total totalitarianism and the breaking of the shackles of an unregulated market economy in order to be able to afford that dream house with the moat and the razor wire. Be sure to leave your smart phone on. If they don't know where you are, they get crazy. You don't want them to be crazy. It hurts too much.

donner_froh November 30, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Upfist for total totalitarianism.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Fucking Fascists.

but let’s hear from our old standard warmonger neocon jaw-flapping pal Lindsey Graham

Well sure, but what is Carl Milton Levin's excuse?

He attended Detroit public schools and graduated from Swarthmore College in 1956 and from Harvard Law School in 1959.

Apparently, Havahd has always Suxxed.
~

Mumbly_Occupado November 30, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Oh god, he's from my alma mater, too. Thus confirming my theory that all Swat alumni end up being shitheads, failed libruls, or libruls who fail because they're shitheads. (Other famous alumni include Dukakis, A Mitchell Palmer (of the Palmer Raids), and Jerome Kohlberg, who popularized the leveraged buyout)

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Swarthmore? Quakers are clearly a lot more bellicose than they used to be.

HistoriCat November 30, 2011 at 9:16 pm

You know who else was a bellicose Quaker?

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Richard Milhous Hitler?

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 4:11 am

Is everything turning up Milhouse?

Negropolis December 1, 2011 at 8:40 am

The only way I can explain Levin on this is that he's been in the Senate WAY too long (since 1979), and the only other explanation is that being the chair of the Armed Services Committee (since 2007, ranking Democratic member since 1997) must corrupt you in some way. Otherwise, it doesn't make any kind of sense to me unless I'm missing some 11 dimensional chess move, here.

He was one of the senators who voted against the authorization of force against Iraq, and after that failed he was the biggest voice against waste during the war and one of the loudest calling for a timetable of withdrawl from the beginning. Why he got all hawkish all of a sudden is beyond my understanding. I mean, back in Detroit, the guy was a liberal lion serving as general counsel for the Michigan Civil Rights Commission, for a time, leading liberal causes as president of the Detroit City Council after the riot, etc…hell, the guy has/had an +80% approval rating from the ACLU.

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Did I miss something?

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Regardez-vous son avatar.

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm

They haven't been loading recently. I'll look again later.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Since this obviously applies to Rick Perry for his Secessionist talk, I have no problem with it.

Jukesgrrl November 30, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Tawd, the First Dude, too.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

And look at it this way, we finally have an excuse to unleash a full nuclear attack on Florida, South Carolina, and Arizona.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:32 am

Goddamn, Florida and Arizona are their own fark tags. South Carolina however went out of its way to be South. That says something.

HarryButtle November 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Hey, Carl, is that the same Supreme Court that said Bush beat Gore and that corporations have 1st Amendment rights? Fuck you, you fucking fuck. I expect this from Graham and McCain and Lieberman, I don't expect it from you.

Hopey said he'd veto it, but I'm not holding my breath.

Limeylizzie November 30, 2011 at 6:09 pm

OT but awesomely awesome. From the people who brought us Hitler…

http://www.harpers.org/archive/2011/11/hbc-900083

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Not OT at all, today. (I love you & ITDGY for loving Harpers)

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 30, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Good link. Made me think that, for all the rights attack on OWS for "rapes" that by now, Herman Cain has been accused of more unwanted advancements on women than all the people at the OWS movement combined. Must make sure to mention that on another thread.

Maman November 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm

We are the 99%. Same diff.

Mojopo November 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Love is a battlefield!

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 6:12 pm

And here I thought this was going to be a post on farm subsidies. If only.

Angry_Marmot December 1, 2011 at 1:55 am

Anyone could have made that mistake; the first comments call for soil-fucking.

fuflans November 30, 2011 at 6:14 pm

i don't know, the 14th c. was pretty cool: black death, 100 years war, avignon papacy, peasants revolt, great schism, great famine.

sound like us – only they had dante and chaucer.

Native_of_SL_UT November 30, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Would the dark ages be darker or lighter with the internet keeping track?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:49 pm

They've been busy putting "off" switches on the internet, if you haven't noticed. Because totalitarian fuckers do their best work in the dark.

fishskicanoe December 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Yeah but we have Dean Koontz and Tom Clancy.

Mumbly_Occupado November 30, 2011 at 6:15 pm

If it makes anyone feel better, this probably isn't about some new power the government wants to exercise, so much as backfilling a legal rationale for something the government's already been doing, for over a decade.

No? Nobody? Yeah, me neither.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 4:18 am

Yeah. It's like waking up, innit?

Mumbly_Occupado November 30, 2011 at 6:16 pm

On the bright side, this represents staggeringly successful work on the part of Slope Polishers Local 117

emmelemm November 30, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Yes, the genuine slippery slope appears, dunnit?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Yeah, they got out the 0.1 micron polish for this one — and then they waxed it nicely. Wheeee!

Sassomatic November 30, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Calm down, people. Just don't be suspected of being a terrorist and this will never affect you.

Swampgas_Man November 30, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Just don't be brown and you're probably safe.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:39 am

See, paper is where you went wrong. When everything is recorded, replicated, and encrypted we will be sane. This is a large definition of the word "Sane", granted.

Jukesgrrl November 30, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I spent today wrangling with Sears (aka Peggy) to get my supposedly-under-warranty refrigerator repaired and I think there's a good chance that will qualify me as an enemy combatant. How dare I ask for something I have a piece of paper saying I'm entitled to?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:54 pm

You, and the Cherokee Nation. It's just paper, man (like the Constitution.)

Jukesgrrl December 1, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Yay!I won.They're coming tomorrow and not charging me.Do you think this qualifies me to be US representative to the United Nations.

ShaveTheWhales November 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Me: Carl Fucking Levin?

Siri: Really!

Angry_Marmot November 30, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Most un-Levin-ish.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:55 pm

"Siri says: Really!"

My money says we're witnessing the birth of an internet meme here.

Generation[redacted] November 30, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Bloomberg wasn't kidding around.

Mahousu November 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm

This could work out. Sure, first we'll have to endure having the Army conquer the U.S., but that shouldn't take too long – yeah, civilian Americans may be armed, but they're not as well armed as even the Iraqi army was.

And true, a few tens of thousands of us might get killed, but that's just traffic accident level of mayhem. And traffic accidents should be way down, as no one will dare to drive through all the checkpoints that will be set up.

The real advantage will come when they have to rebuild the country. No one will bat an eye when Halliburton spends $100 million renovating some school. True, some of the "renovated" schools might collapse because Halliburton cheated and used shoddy materials, but on balance things should be better.

Best of all, it will pay for itself! Or so I've heard.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 7:15 pm

And we will greet ourselves as liberators!

BaldarTFlagass November 30, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I'm going to order some flowers and candy to greet the soldiers with first thing tomorrow!

Biff November 30, 2011 at 9:10 pm

That's adorable.

They won't rebuild any schools, educated subjects are dangerous subjects.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Oh, they'll have all sorts of stuff to teach the kiddies, you can be sure of that.

DaRooster November 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm

We all know Graham just wants to lock all us dudes up in a tiny room, with a whole in the wall, show us porno flicks… and catch the result…

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I just sent Senator Levin an email letting him know that he and every senator who voted for this amendment should be ashamed of themselves. And his contact page doesn't even require that I live in his state, for those non-Michiganders who want to send him a note.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 30, 2011 at 8:18 pm

That was going to be my last blog post for November, but I went with Cacapon Mountain, W.V. pictures instead.

But tomorrow…they all gets the bizness tomorrow.
~

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Like he gives a shit.

It's the White House that needs an avalanche of mail.

prommie December 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

It was nice knowing you. I hope saying that doesn't make me a co-conspirator.

glamourdammerung November 30, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I kind of think that Obama should just go with this, then round up all the "ayes", ship them to Gitmo, and force them to watch a 12 hour Ben Affleck romantic comedy marathon before releasing them to repeal the legislation.

DahBoner November 30, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Harsh!

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Coddling.

Think 12 hour Adam Sandler marathon.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Though to keep glamourdammerung happy, we can fit Gigli in there.

Dok-cupy Everything December 1, 2011 at 12:47 am

Jesus Christ…I know we ignore the Geneva Conventions, but there's still the whole cruel & unusual punishment thing….not even Scalia would allow what you propose, you heartless bastard.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 3:45 am

Jesus fucking Christ? What corrupted you during your development that led you to a sandler conclusion?

user-of-owls December 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

We need to keep all options on the table.

Dudleydidwrong November 30, 2011 at 6:39 pm

ad nauseam…that says it all: " to the point of being made physically ill," as in vomiting, shitting sick. What's with this fucking bunch of turds who sit in Congress and act like they are protecting us by fucking us over and expecting us to look at them with pride? Sucking dirt bags. And Levin? Levin? That horse's ass makes Judas look like a fucking pope and Benedict Arnold a fucking Supreme Court justice. Et tu, Carl? You skunk's placenta!

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 6:44 pm

You should cut Lieberman, Graham, etc some slack. They do it out of love for this country, just like Newt. They love the country so much they have to betray us. They have so much love for the second amendment that they hardly have any room for the rest of the constitution. And you have to admit, they have gone well beyond the letter of the law to ensure that all those enemy combatants who are swarming over the US from Memphis Tenn. to Cairo WV, are never more than a ten minute drive from somewhere they can buy a barrel of assault rifles with no hassle or undue delay.

DahBoner November 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Joan Jette said "Love is a Battlefield".

Are we all grandfathered in?

horsedreamer_1 November 30, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Do you mean Pat Benatar?

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 7:30 pm

No it was Joan Jett. She was singing in the car along with Benetar's Live from Earth CD when she said it.

Terry November 30, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Sooooo, will this law apply to the crazy assed crackers in militias or does it just apply to Muslims and various people of color?

Dashboard Buddha November 30, 2011 at 7:13 pm

and hippies and grannies, and little kids and anyone else who "inconveniences" the folks that decide…or even just say the Koch brothers suck.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:30 pm

I'll take "Questions that answer themselves" for $1000, Alex.

chascates November 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm

We have met the enemy, and he is us.

Dashboard Buddha November 30, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Yep…so this is what it's like when a nation declares war on itself.

chascates November 30, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Ha! From several sites now:
According to a tweet from NBC News’ Jamie Novogrod, [Michele] Bachmann responded to the recent raiding of the British embassy in Iran, by saying that if she was President, she would close down the U.S. embassy there.
There’s just one problem: The U.S. has not had an embassy in Iran ever since the Iranian hostage crisis, when revolutionaries from the budding Islamic state held 52 Americans for 444 days

BaldarTFlagass November 30, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Obviously the liberal media whore Novogrod edited out the part where Michele said that if she were president and that shit went down, she would reopen the US Embassy in Tehran. Then she would close it down, and show them Iranian Arab Muslim Taliban mofo's who's boss!

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Well sure, but it's not like she said "English embassy" and quickly corrected herself or something heinous like that.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Novgorod? That's a Russian name, isn't it? And I heard that they were part of the Hanseatic League, which is obviously a subversive front organization for terrorists. Communist media in action.

horsedreamer_1 November 30, 2011 at 7:04 pm

This is the only way Congressmen can get excited enough to have sex.

chascates November 30, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Herman Cain is on PBS in a clip saying he's had a groundswell of support and he's not going to quit. Meanwhile, Newt on Hannity tonight says:

“I helped lead the effort to defeat communism in the Congress.”

So there really were communists in the Congress?

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 7:43 pm

No, there were none. Ever. The very idea is preposterous.

And for that, we have Newt's vigilance to thank.

Generation[redacted] November 30, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Not one bear attack in Congress while he was leading.

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm

True, but many years later in 2008, we were attacked by pumas.

Dok-cupy Everything November 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm

They were hiding in the crevasses

(Take it, Owls!)

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I'm not sure I would go that far. Tim Foley looked like he could be pretty fat and hairy under his suit.

emmelemm November 30, 2011 at 8:07 pm

I thought the Democrats were "socialist". WHICH IS IT, HERMAN CAIN?

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Well someone had to pick up Tailgunner Joe's banner after he drank himself to death.

rocktonsam November 30, 2011 at 7:24 pm

I lured my kids and their friends to my house and chained them to the furniture as human shields in case of drone attacks.

USA

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 7:42 pm

You could just chain yourself to the furniture – do the Cleavon Little thing from Blazing Saddles.

"I warn you – if you try to kill me, then rocktonsam will get it too!"
(My God, I think he means it!)

Blueb4sunrise November 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

HAH! SUCK IT GEN-X,Y and Z! All of us poor oldz will be dead soon anyway!!!!
We had the best evah of everything, and let it go into the shitter!!!!!!!!!!
BWAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!

cheetojeebus November 30, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Fucking fuckers fuck it all up, the fuckers.

Angry_Marmot November 30, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Antispandex November 30, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Needs more democracy.

owhatever November 30, 2011 at 8:26 pm

The Patriot Act keeps on rolling. Let us hope that Lindsey and his boys carry out their threat the next time a bunch of beer-bellied Bubbas in South Carolina are arrested in a barn full of guns for planning to overthrow the Kenyan socialist government of the United States. Then they can be interrogated with enhanced techniques and be put away with other enemy combatants at Club Gitmo.

Also, Wonketteers, that sound you hear in the sky is a Predator with your name on it.

Dok-cupy Everything November 30, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Here's hoping that Canada and France will lead a new Coalition of the Willing to liberate us from our military overlords.

Oh, yeah, don't forget Poland….

Jukesgrrl November 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I never forget Poland. I'm from Pittsburgh where every school child learns the name of Kazimierz Pułaski, who saved George Washington's life in the Revolutionary War and is known as "the father of American cavalry." He was killed in the Battle of Savannah and is one of only seven people to have earned honorary American citizenship. Somehow I think he'd give it back if he heard about this latest insult to our Constitution.

Chet Kincaid November 30, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Tell me about it. Pulaski Day is a holiday in Illinois, and Chicago and Cook County government closes on it; Pulaski Road is one of the major thoroughfares running from the north suburbs to deep in the south suburbs.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:40 pm

The first wave of the invasion is already in preparation. Pipeline construction workers are mobilized in full battalion strength, waiting for the signal.

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Paczki Day can't come soon enough, if you ask me.

BaldarTFlagass November 30, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Remember how in the Sopranos, there was this overarching sense that Tony and Uncle Junior and their crews all longed for "the good old days," when being in the Mob was cool and shit? I am having the same feeling about living in America, these days.

Jukesgrrl November 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

At what point in the space/time continuum does this merge with the concept that "corporations are people, too"?

user-of-owls November 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Apropos of nothing: I'm a bit worried that Newt may have a low ego problem. His self-effacement is almost too painful to watch in tonight's interview with noted spiritual guru Sean Hannity:

“I helped Ronald Reagan and Jack Kemp develop supply side economics. I helped lead the effort to defeat communism in the Congress.”

“Whereas I would have thought originally it was going to be Mitt and not-Mitt, I think it’s going to — it may turn out to be Newt and not-Newt.”

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Ronald Reagan: His Part in my Victories
by Spike Milligan Newt Gingrich

Too obscure? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty:_His_Part_in_M

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Actually it's quite second eyelid opening that this thoroughly discredited, money grubbing, bloated amphiboid is even around. His latest cloacal dropping is that he's "just a country history professor," not one of those elitist, East Coast liberals. Because I'm sure you, Owls, as a country professor get paid $1.6 million by the Heritage Foundation for "consultant" work.

DustBowlBlues November 30, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Crissy pointed out that the new nasty in DC began when Newt took over. What an egotistical, nasty piece of work he is. Dumb sumbitch just quoted the Declaration of Indie as if it were part of the constitution. And called each citizen "sovereign" so now I'm making up laws that apply to Dust Bowl Blues. I hereby pass a law that I will not overeat during Xmas. Who will arrest me if I break my law? Yeah, Newt. How can I hire a police dept to make me keep to my law if they're sovereign and living under their own rules?

It's things like this that keep me up at night. The fear that I live in country stupid enough to keep calling this clown "intellectual."

chascates November 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

HuffPo: Herman Cain said he will make a final decision on whether or not he will continue his 2012 presidential run one week from now.

Fuck, he doesn't know whether to shit or go blind!

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 9:42 pm

He should rake in a few more millions by then.

Jukesgrrl November 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Watch out people! WONKETTE spelled backwards is TERRORIST.

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 11:35 pm

My sister-in-law, Terri, was living in England after the most important event in human history and I used to warn Mrs. Radio: CUIDADO! TEN CUIDADO SE CUIDADOSO on the tele. Do not say things like Terry east or Terry west. Didn't you ever see Brazil?
But anyways, yeah, we're first to have the Black Suburbans pull up in our driveways.

Steverino247 November 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Herman Cain: "If I'm going to end my Presidential campaign for a word, my word is 'Poontang.'"

DustBowlBlues November 30, 2011 at 9:45 pm

"Against whom" Funny slide mouse over text (I'm on an iMac) and proper English. Watch out, Kirsten: I'm forming a girl crush on you.

Warpde November 30, 2011 at 9:47 pm

"lawmakers have decided to start “focusing on the domestic issues”
Does this mean I can't beat the wife anymore?

Beowoof November 30, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Uphold and defend the constitution, HA. Well after most in Congress pledged allegiance to Grover Norquist, fuck the rest of that constitution shit, let's just do what we want.

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 9:52 pm

If America is "Winning" like Charlie Sheen is "Winning", god almighty, I want to and hope that we lose. epically.

Blueb4sunrise November 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm

That What do you think? box on the right is getting to be the funniest thing here.

Over the last six months, have you increased or decreased your personal spending?

Fukui_sanYesOta November 30, 2011 at 11:16 pm

When I'm bored I spend half the time just fucking with it. I've never heard of Tom Cruise, for instance. </admission>

RavenRant November 30, 2011 at 10:00 pm

16 Democratic Senators voted for this: Bob Casey (PA), Kent Conrad (ND), Kay Hagan (NC), Daniel Inouye (HI), Herb Kohl (WI), Mary Landrieu (LA), Carl Levin (MI), Joe Manchin (WV), Clair McCaskill (MO), Robert Menendez (NJ), Ben Nelson (NE), Mark Pryor (AR), Jack Reed (RI), Jeanne Shaheen (NH), Debbie Stabenow (MI) and Sheldon Whitehouse (RI). And, of course, asshole 'independent' Joe Lieberman (CT).

Menendez later changed his vote.

DNC and DSCC will never get another dime from me. And if Hopey doesn't veto this like he said he would, ARRRGGHHH! Also, what the hell is wrong with Michigan and Rhode Island?

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Stabenow can go either way (she's awefully moderate, more moderate than she was in the Michigan legislature when she was a solid liberal), but what in the hell is Levin doing leading this? This is just totally insane, to me. I'm embarrassed.

RavenRant November 30, 2011 at 11:08 pm

The fact that 60 Senators voted for this is insane. I think it would be a worthy goal to replace every one of them.

And again, if Obama doesn't veto this, I am at a loss as to what to do next in this psycho country.

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Canada has a single payer healthcare system and Föx "News" is illegal, just sayin'.

Angry_Marmot December 1, 2011 at 2:10 am

We need a rendezvous point in case the shit comes down; how about Cheetah's in Windsor?

MilwaukeeKent November 30, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Dangerous, dangerous showboating anti-American garbage, what this is.

Negropolis November 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm

And when people take up arms against the United States and [are] captured within the United States, why should we not be able to use our military and intelligence community to question that person as to what they know about enemy activity?”

Are you fucking kidding me? I've heard a lot of stupid shit in the last year, but this one ranks right up there at the top.

Honestly, someone should frame this as giving "the black man in the White House" more power, and I assure you, this bill would be DOA. And, Levin? Really? Et tu, Brute? What has happened to you? This is, quite frankly, unreal.

Congress is really shooting for that 1% approval rating from their 1% overlords, huh?

RadioYKWE November 30, 2011 at 11:41 pm

1% approval rating
That is one of the most insightful, tragic/comic things you have ever emitted, my friend. And, it's statistically significant.

fletc3her December 1, 2011 at 1:20 am

I'm always trying to remind NRA members that they won't get to keep their guns when they are being held indefinitely in Gitmo.

fletc3her November 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Our very own special order.

First they came for the Wonketeers and I cheered because, meh, let's face it guys.

Then they came for some other people, but I guess I was rounded up with the first group so I don't really know what happened after that.

Suck My Balls December 1, 2011 at 1:02 am

Today we are all Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan-ians.

RadioYKWE December 1, 2011 at 1:32 am

I just saw Michele, One L, just say she is AGAINST extending the payroll tax holiday. Hello, calling Grover. Mr. Norquist she violated a sacred vow!!1! Primary the bitch.
Maybe, just maybe, Hopey's eight level chess is hitting home.

slowhansolo December 1, 2011 at 2:00 am

I hereby retract everything I said the other day about Bob Casey being a decent guy. Maybe Pileggi throwing his hat in the ring scared him. Either way, fuck him and fuck every other one of the goddamned pussy-fart traitors in Congress who just voted to make America fundamentally not America.

Negropolis December 1, 2011 at 2:50 am

But, we've always been at war with America…errr…Eastasia. Damnit! They are going to send me to the FEMA camps, aren't they?

DerrickWildcat December 1, 2011 at 2:51 am

“They should not be read their Miranda Rights. They should not be given a lawyer,”

And they have to wear frowney face pajamas and have their meal card stamped, "No Dessert!"

RavenRant December 1, 2011 at 3:19 am

They think 1984 and The Handmaid's Tale were instruction manuals, and that The Flintstones was a documentary.

Also, that the hero of It's a Wonderful Life is Mr. Potter, and The Christmas Carol is a tragedy about a savvy 'job creator' led astray by libruhl demons.

user-of-owls December 1, 2011 at 7:36 am

I had another one of my apocalyptic dreams last night.

This time it was Take Your Daughter To Work Day at Wonkette.

neiltheblaze December 1, 2011 at 8:05 am

Is Canada extending political asylum to citizens of the USA yet?

BigDumbRedDog December 1, 2011 at 8:50 am

Today we are all enemy combatants. No seriously. We really are.

joobajooba December 1, 2011 at 9:07 am

This is cute. So Congress and the Supreme Court wipe gun laws off the books on the grounds that Americans should be able to defend themselves against an overreaching government. Then they support a whole new swath of laws that let the government throw into the dungeon anyone who takes up arms against it.
That's one way to stay in business.

prommie December 1, 2011 at 9:36 am

And the real crime is, if you ask Siri what to do if your country is heading down the road toward becoming a fascist dictatorship, and she just says "Really?"

BornInATrailer December 1, 2011 at 10:10 am

Go Rand Paul!

Oh Lord, what have I just said?

Antispandex December 1, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Oh, and you can take your Posse Comitatus and shove it, liberal wage slaves, because Uncle Joe said so!

ttommyunger December 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm

News like this almost make me sorry my Prostate Biopsy came back negative.

Negropolis December 1, 2011 at 2:47 am

It'll be a 10-piece bucket of evil, I tell you. A 10-piece bucket, white and dark meat, alike.

bagofmice December 1, 2011 at 4:01 am

Okay, I am shutting up, because seriously.

PhilippePetain December 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm

It's a bingo!

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