GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:40 am November 30, 2011

Newt Brags About His Money, Herman ‘In Special Relationship’ with UK

by Matt Langer

WATCH HIM SQUIRMNEW YORK—Pop your popcorn, people, because this is RICH: thanks to a thorough Times piece today we learn that the reason Newt Gingrich shouldn’t be considered a lobbyist is because… Newt Gingrich isn’t a registered lobbyist! (Anyone else just dying of anticipation for the first time Rick Perry tries to pronounce “tautology”?)

So here’s the rub, haters: Newt’s not a lobbyist because he just “arranges meetings” and “grants access.” Got that? Take it from this guy, who shelled out just shy of a six-figure salary for Newt’s not-lobbying: “’He made it very clear to us that he does not lobby, but that he could direct us to the right places in Washington and elsewhere,’ said Paul Branagan, who was president of Millennium Plastics when it hired Mr. Gingrich for $7,500 a month plus stock options.” Ok!

But it was at a campaign stop in South Carolina yesterday that things got real good: “I did no lobbying of any kind — period. I’m going to be really direct, OK? I was charging $60,000 a speech. And the number of speeches was going up, not down. Normally, celebrities leave and they gradually sell fewer speeches every year. We were selling more.” Now, do take a minute to wipe up the coffee that just shot out your nose before marveling at how beautiful this is. Newt just explained that the reason he doesn’t need to lobby is because (and just let him be really direct, ok?) he earns twice as much per speech as the median individual income — and he wants you to know this!

Herm Cain is busily reassessing reassessing, even going to far as to tweet the dictionary definition of reassessing to assure everyone that “to consider again, esp. while paying attention to new factors,” er, “doesn’t sound like dropping out.”

So to prove that he’s still very much in this thing, Herm unveiled a thoroughly 21st century roadmap for American foreign policy. And it really has to be seen to be believed, because America’s role in the world has effectively been reduced to a series of Facebook relationship statuses. Mexico? “Friend and partner.” Canada? “Friend and ally.” The UK? “Our special relationship.” Yes, he said that. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

 
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{ 158 comments }

Barb November 30, 2011 at 9:43 am

Well Herm certainly isn't in a special relationship with Germany, His 9-9-9- plan sounds like he was hitting on triplets at Oktoberfest.

paris biltong November 30, 2011 at 9:57 am

Plan B is doch, doch, doch.

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

Nein Nein Nein doesn't sound like it will play in Germany.

Generation[redacted] November 30, 2011 at 10:23 am

I dunno. The Chevy "No Va" was a very popular car in Mexico.

Pres.Libunatic November 30, 2011 at 10:34 am

As were the GM cars with "Corpse by Fisher".

GeorgiaBurning November 30, 2011 at 10:58 am

Dunno, it is pretty much their approach to bailing out the euro

Dr_Zoidberg November 30, 2011 at 9:44 am

That is a very pretty map, Mr. Cain. Did you color it all by yourself?

Also, morons were paying Newter $60-fucking-thousand-dollars for a SPEECH?!

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 9:54 am

Tiffany's oughta be kicking themselves right now for even considering a 'sweetheart deal' credit line w/ this overcompensated charlatan.

YasserArraFeck November 30, 2011 at 10:23 am

That's just the start of it – the fucker also gets free rein at the buffet counter – another ten grand, easy

Biff November 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

I guess you don't wanna know how much the same rubes were willing to pay $arah…

Rosie_Scenario November 30, 2011 at 10:51 am

Paul Krugman had a great line on one of the Sunday chat shows:

"New Gingrich sounds like what stupid people think a smart person sounds like."

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 10:57 am

When you speak with enough (perceived) authority, well, you come to think you can be President.

GOPCrusher November 30, 2011 at 12:09 pm

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Terry November 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

"Herm Cain is busily reassessing reassessing, even going to far as to tweet the dictionary definition of reassessing to assure everyone that “to consider again, esp. while paying attention to new factors,” er, “doesn’t sound like dropping out.”"

Translation: Everybody but Cain thinks he should drop out, including his now thoroughly embarassed wife, but he disagrees and is looking for a way to change all their minds or just ignore them.

Oh, and Newtie? You are slicing and dicing the definition of "lobbyist" pretty darn thin and aren't fooling anyone.

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

Duh. #winning

Generation[redacted] November 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

Is it just me, or does everything in Herm's campaign sound like he looked it up in a dictionary?

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

If I were Herman Cain (and I'm very, very happy I'm not!) I wouldn't be talking about "special relationships" right through here.

As for Ole Newt, I just can't believe we could be so lucky as to have him as the GNoP'eer nominee. That would be Christmas everyday from until November 2012!

Biff November 30, 2011 at 10:30 am

Trouble is, the country is in an ugly enough mood to actually elect the fucking hustler.

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

Biff:

I just can't believe that. Ole Newt can't stand the bright sunshine, day after day.

I'm still waiting for the classic, self-destructive blow-up. On stage with Mr. Obama, Ole Newt will be exposed for a cynical, coldhearted blowhard.

And, if by some bizarre twist of history, he should be elected, then we get what we deserve.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 12:02 pm

The proper way to serve newt is sliced, diced, and fried to a crisp. Check out Maureen Dowd's quick dissection of the Newtster in today's NYT.

LabRodent November 30, 2011 at 9:48 am

I thought a "special relationship" was what I had with LuLu at the Pink Pony.

memzilla November 30, 2011 at 9:48 am

Ah, Newt "Red Queen" Gingrich: "A word means exactly what I say it means."

Studebaker Hawk November 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

What's all this about twatology?

hollywooddood November 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

Stop making fun of Sarah.

anniegetyerfun November 30, 2011 at 10:12 am

Cunt libel!

freakishlywrong November 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

So, I'm not a lobbyist, (or historian), because I don't need the stinkin' money? Because right-wing think tanks pay me huge piles of obscene cash just for me to turn on the guano faucet? I hate to say it, but that will go down well with all the unemployed, poverty stricken teatards.

GunToting[Redacted] November 30, 2011 at 10:32 am

Please keep in mind that these starving masses are only waiting for the trickle-down effects that will come when Newt eliminated the Death Tax and the capital gains taxes.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 30, 2011 at 10:44 am

Actually it will. Money = virtue to those mouth breathers who consider the lotto a sound investment strategy.

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 10:55 am

The way things are going, the lotto may be the only investment strategy.

Chillwaver November 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

The Brits call him "Wanker""

Barb November 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

And they've named a dish after him, "spotted dick" It seems that most everyone has spotted it by now, making Gloria Allred one busy woman.

Chillwaver November 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

I thought the dish was "Bangers and Mash" (or was it "Black Pudding"?)

Barb November 30, 2011 at 10:01 am

Toad in a hole! Ginger White's hole. By the way, my niece is named Ginger White. Spooky.

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 10:56 am

I once had a hand creme called White Ginger. Spookier.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 30, 2011 at 9:50 am

Ginrich isn't a lobbyist, he's an asshole, how many times must I say this?

Spurning Beer November 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

Mah nishtana?

Monsieur_Grumpe November 30, 2011 at 10:07 am

I had to look that up. Well played Sir! I'll add that to my minuscule knowledge of Yiddish.

memzilla November 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

"What makes this asshat different than all other asshats?"

freakishlywrong November 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

You're preaching to the choir Monsieur…in that case; here here!

comrad_darkness November 30, 2011 at 9:51 am

Whew, at least we're assured that Newt can identify with the problems of real working America.

anniegetyerfun November 30, 2011 at 10:14 am

Of course, every Teatard that I know will see this as proof that Newt is a man who has worked hard for his money.

Generation[redacted] November 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

And he shouldn't be punished for his success. In fact, we should be trying to find new ways to reward the rich and lavish them with praise and tax breaks. It's the only way to motivate the poor to stop being poor.

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 11:01 am

Yeah, like being able to get a half a million dollar line of credit at a choice jewelry store.

anniegetyerfun November 30, 2011 at 11:12 am

He's a job maker!

BerkeleyBear November 30, 2011 at 12:12 pm

But Obama writing a couple of best sellers after community organizing, voter drive directing, legislating and teaching is proof he's never worked a day in his life (or so spake Gov. Goodhair). As well as further evidence of a grand left wing Bill Ayres led conspiracy to provide him with a comfortable level of wealth.

Terry November 30, 2011 at 9:51 am

On a separate subject, I got a robo-call last night announcing an Occupy event at the U.S. Capitol. I was invited to participate or to provide support (logistical or financial) to the many people who will be arriving here in DC by bus in the none-to-distant future from cities across the country.

Spurning Beer November 30, 2011 at 9:52 am

Tautologies are tautological. (Kinda meta, huh?)

memzilla November 30, 2011 at 9:54 am

Asshats are asshatological. (Kinda Newtie, huh?)

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 10:21 am

I think this can best be summarized by the phrase "ass to ass".

anniegetyerfun November 30, 2011 at 10:15 am
Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

"Eyes examined while you wait."

prommie November 30, 2011 at 10:50 am

Yes, it is kinda "meta."

DaRooster November 30, 2011 at 9:52 am

Herm-
"Brazil- Friend… and Booties… Hell man have you seen them asses?"

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

It's obvious the $60G's a speech is a cover. Newt isn't a registered lobbyist. It appears to me this is a "wink-wink" way to pay him for services rendered. In my personal opinion it looks like a kissing cousin to money laundering.

I mean, why wouldn't Fannie Mae pay $1,600,000 for an "historian's" work? Although that title would rule out Newt.

The most astonishing thing about all this, is that anyone would believe Newt has any influence of any kind on The Hill.

Remarkable.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 10:22 am

Bingo!

My research physician wife and her research physician colleagues are constantly being asked by drug companies to give very short "talks" (sometimes as little as 5 or 10 minutes) in her specialty (type II diabetes and related lifestyle illnesses) to gatherings sponsored by Big Pharma at luxury resort locations. All expenses paid, and the compensation for these talks is ridiculous. Thousands of dollars to fly to a warm spa in the winter on someone else's dime and give a talk so brief you hardly have to prepare. She invariably turns them down, as do her colleagues, because the sensible view is that these things become addictive. And if you publish research that costs the Drug companies money, they tend to vanish.

But according to the official rules, this is completely above board. It would be terrible to keep private researchers and public ones from sharing ideas. That would block the free flow of scientific ideas.

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 11:16 am

Some years ago my boss was invited to give a speech at an insurance company gathering in Singapore. All expenses paid, of course.

He received a schedule for the conference, wrote his speech on the plane out there (took his wife, of course) and was generally all ready to go.

After his arrival he inquired about the details. "Oh – we didn't tell you?" they said. "There really isn't a conference. That's just for show."

BerkeleyBear November 30, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Shit! And here I've been helping my wife prepare for conference presentations for years where her company/organization has to foot her expenses, she actually has to give her talk and they expect it to be decent. And I've had to prepare articles to accompany CLE lectures for my presentations. We are plainly not doing it right.

BerkeleyBear November 30, 2011 at 12:28 pm

It is actually worse than you depict in some of the fields of medicine. That model of "consultant" contracts arose after a bunch of pharma companies got busted for straight payola to physicians (the ortho companies were actually worse, believe it or not). I've seen some (hopefully disappearing now that by law they have to be disclosed) where docs with lucrative practices were actually having whole clinics and staffs funded by the companies, but with no research or publication requirements – just that they "consider" attending conferences. It was bribery in all but name, and yet somehow it took outside counsel to point out to them that this smelled bad.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:29 am

"The most astonishing thing about all this, is that anyone would believe Newt has any influence of any kind on The Hill."

Have you looked at the clowns on The Hill these days?

Tundra Grifter November 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

BZB:

"Big Tent – lots of clowns."

- Scott Ostler

paris biltong November 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

So if I understand it correctly, the choice in the medium to long term is between drowning and starvation? Wouldn't the best solution be for all to lean how to swim and eat sushi? Problem solved.

DaRooster November 30, 2011 at 9:54 am

"Libya… hmm… Libya… I wanna be sure we are talking about… uhh… Libya?"

Ruhe November 30, 2011 at 9:54 am

So Newt's not a lobbyist, he's just a pimp? That's what we call someone who brokers these sorts of sordid business/social transactions right? "I simply introduced company X to Senator Y. Once I left the room I have no idea who, if anyone, dropped their pants."

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

Cain's banner image needz moar state fair hot-dawg to be rendered complete.. alas, I have no Photoshop within reach at the moment to do this justice.

JackDempsey1 November 30, 2011 at 10:01 am

Next, Newt will explain the difference between
*professional* jackass and *registered* jackass.

SexySmurf November 30, 2011 at 10:03 am

Japan? "The country we grab by the back of the head and pull towards our crotch."

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:53 am

I'm more concerned that Canada is going to built that XL pipeline to China instead. How did Cain get that information ahead of the rest of us?

GuanoFaucet November 30, 2011 at 10:04 am

Newt’s not a lobbyist because he just “arranges meetings” and “grants access."

Newt's a pimp?

SorosBot November 30, 2011 at 10:04 am

Newt saying he's not a lobbyist because he just grants access reminds me of our wonderful visitor from a month or so back who insisted that a teacher who raped a junior high girl was not a pedophile because most junior high kids are in their teens.

prommie November 30, 2011 at 10:14 am

So he invoked the traditional southern standard, "If they're old enough to bleed, they're old enough to breed?"

SorosBot November 30, 2011 at 10:20 am

I think it was actually a she; but yes. And she thought we were all being horribly bigoted against adult who have sex with thirteen year olds (really).

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:40 am

I thought it was, "If there's grass on the field, play ball!"

SorosBot November 30, 2011 at 11:11 am

But that rule doesn't work well now that most young women mow their lawns.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

Zat so?
I won't ask how you know this, if you won't ask why I don't.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 10:33 am

Was it Bill Donahue from the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights?

"The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,… [but] most of [the victims] are post-pubescent."

Biff November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am

Post-pubescence negates victimhood?

elviouslyqueer November 30, 2011 at 10:07 am

"Normally, celebrities leave and they gradually sell fewer speeches every year. We were selling more.”

Um, Newt? Just because you're a bigger ass than Kim Kardashian, your current wife has cornered the market on Botox, and your ego is marginally more inflated than Pamela Anderson's titties does not make you a celebrity. Is all I'm saying.

Barb November 30, 2011 at 10:11 am

Newt's c-cup titties are real, I'm just sayin'.

Ruhe November 30, 2011 at 10:08 am

To be a professional you just have to show that people will pay you to do it. To be registered you have to have other professionals attest that you're doing it right. Newt lost the latter status when he gave up leadership in the Republican congressional caucus, which is like a club for professional jackasses.

Baconzgood November 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

Baconz changed his status from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship" with China.

prommie November 30, 2011 at 10:12 am

I am not a lawyer, I just give legal advice and represent people in court cases.

bagofmice November 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

You are nominated.

prommie November 30, 2011 at 10:25 am

I forgot to mention, I do these things in exchange for money. But I am not a lawyer. I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express, though.

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 10:40 am

You are Orly Taitz?

GunToting[Redacted] November 30, 2011 at 10:35 am

Don't forget about collecting those "speaking fees."

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:38 am

It's OK, as long as you're not registered.

Uhh, wait a sec…

Oblios_Cap November 30, 2011 at 12:24 pm

If only there were some sort of agency charged with enforcing the laws…

Fred_Wertham_Jr November 30, 2011 at 10:16 am

What are the legal penalties for a lobbyist who doesn't register as a lobbyist?

prommie November 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

There are none; it is impossible to be a lobbyist if you are not registered as a lobbyist, you silly.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 10:36 am

If unregistered lobbyists are outlawed, then only outlaws will have unregistered lobbyists.

anniegetyerfun November 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

Ooze Bekcy, Becky, Becky… Stan?

Baconzgood November 30, 2011 at 10:21 am

What is our relationship with Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan?

SorosBot November 30, 2011 at 10:22 am

If Cain's president, he'll get Pakistan to turn over Al-Qaeda members by threatening to unfriend them.

chascates November 30, 2011 at 10:22 am

I thought our 'special relationship' was with Israel only! Cain is just a slut.

heathenette November 30, 2011 at 10:22 am

If Newt isn’t a lobbyist, he much just be a whore. What’s $60K in WhoreDiamonds these days?

heathenette November 30, 2011 at 10:23 am

If Newt isn’t a lobbyist, he must just be a whore. What’s $60K worth in WhoreDiamonds these days?

SwanSwanH November 30, 2011 at 10:23 am

Ha! No bullshit… Cain's web site actually says "LIBYA: CLARITY NEEDED". Awesome.

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 11:09 am

The Irony Gods shall surely smite him. Mightily.

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

NYT quoting a Gingrich beneficiary:

“You have somebody who knows what he believes in, he can effectively communicate it, and he’s successful in doing it,” said his spokesman, R. C. Hammond. “God bless America.”

Uh, you had me until the God Bless America, wtf? and by 'had me' I mean as in, had me convinced those same descriptors would apply to Satan or any other great communicator; still, it doesn't mean I'm going to want him/her running my country.

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 11:06 am

That's what I did a double take with too, where the fuck did "God Bless America" come in? Hammond? The reporter? Gingrich?

Populist dog-whistle, just throw in God, the troops, any of em, all of em like Sarah Palin and we all look the other way while they do their soft-shoe dance.

Chichikovovich November 30, 2011 at 10:25 am

I think that for Herman, "special relationship with Britain" means that the US grabs the north of Scotland and pushes it toward Florida.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:25 am

Only the parts that aren't from a computer game.

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 10:59 am

While he reassesses staying in the race, desperate housewives across the heartland are still begging Sarah to reassess getting into this comedic Primary.

CapeClod November 30, 2011 at 10:27 am

He also didn't divorce the wife who was undergoing cancer treatment. He legally ended his marriage to a woman who was too old and sick to participate in that said marriage.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 10:30 am

Good to see Hermy's got Venezuela high up on the list of "adversary regimes." I wake up every morning wondering what new evil thing Hugo "Yugo" Chavez is going to use his immense military, economic and diplomatic powers to do to us, besides selling us cheap oil. It feels good to be afraid. Reminds you of the Cold War, when there was a First World (us) and a Third World (Yemen and Alabama) and presumably, although never identified, a "Second World." You could understand that, you knew what grid coordinates to enter in the ICBMs, and who to hate. Now it's so confusing: there're Browns everywhere you look!

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 11:08 am

You have both scared and titillated me. This must explain the success of the likes of Newt and Rick and Herb.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

We Olds (and defense contractors) like comfortable, predictable enemies who have targets worthy of our weapons systems. It’s no fun sending a $1M GPS-guided cruise missile to blow up a tent in the desert.

Biff November 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

So that's what Rumsfeld meant when he said there were better targets in Iraq!?

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

Although batshit insane, Rummy was wise in many ways.

Mojopo November 30, 2011 at 11:50 am

By this logic, BP is a saint for all of the times they throw a nickel at swamp people in Louisiana. Oogo is a butthorn the end.

doloras November 30, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Why? Because he actually does, as President, all the things that the libs who voted for Obama are shocked and appalled he hasn't done? Things like provide real healthcare for the poors, kick the right-wing and corporate's asses instead of trying to play nice with them, etc etc? What about that is the work of a "butthorn"?

Oblios_Cap November 30, 2011 at 10:31 am

Mr. Cain will not turn a blind eye toward the Iranian people who are risking their lives in their struggle for freedom and democracy.

I imagine Cain will turn his big, fiery, Sauronish eye their way.

Biff November 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

Which will also be blinking, furiously, also.

Oblios_Cap November 30, 2011 at 12:25 pm

What is the sound of a lidless eye blinking?

4TheTurnstiles November 30, 2011 at 10:32 am

Newt cannot reveal the Words of the Golden Eel.

raygotaway November 30, 2011 at 10:35 am

Newt's great at arranging meetings.
BJ's from Callista in his kid's school parking lot screams lobbyist to me.
But old Herb's foreign policy Cliff's Notes for droolers and jr. high dropouts
is kind of sad.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:35 am

"Lobbying" would be telling Senator A why Corporate Excecutive B is being introduced … and I'm sure Newt never did that.

(I'm equally sure that Bill Clinton never had relations with that woman, so I'm just gonna ignore the corporate jizz stains on Newt's tie.)

Indiepalin November 30, 2011 at 10:39 am

He is not a lobbyist because none of Mr. Gingrich’s clients paid him to adopt a position that he did not already have. Okay, that's very different. Nevermind.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 10:58 am

Paying someone to "adopt a certain position."
There seems to be a lot of that going on in D.C.

poncho_pilot November 30, 2011 at 10:45 am

Newt takes a wide stance on lobbying.

Eve8Apples November 30, 2011 at 10:46 am

When Cain is elected pizza delivery guy in chief, I want to be "Friends with Benefits" with a sexy country, maybe France or Italy.

Eve8Apples November 30, 2011 at 10:48 am

Newt’s not-lobbying: “’He made it very clear to us that he does not lobby, but that he could direct us to the right places in Washington and elsewhere," said Paul Branagan.

Newt is not a lobbyist, he's more like a pimp. He doesn't do the whoring, but he knows where you can be whored if you are in the mood for whoring.

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 10:50 am

Cain's map of the world includes the notation "Here Be Dragons."

johnnyzhivago November 30, 2011 at 10:54 am

Is Cain sleeping with England or just providing them with financial support because they're good friends?

johnnyzhivago November 30, 2011 at 10:56 am

Re: Yemen – it's a creepy name for a country, I don't see how they can be our partner. I say bomb them.

neiltheblaze November 30, 2011 at 10:56 am

Our relationship with the UK is more like "friend with benefits".

LesBontemps November 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

Because we keep fucking them?

neiltheblaze November 30, 2011 at 11:21 am

Hard

BerkeleyBear November 30, 2011 at 12:31 pm

And they do their best to return the favor by influencing our decisions/keep us from finding other fuckbuddies.

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 10:57 am

"I'm not a lobbyist — I'm a charlatan and a whore."
Oh — okay Newt — thanks for clearing that up.

And Herman Cain's foreign policy analysis is great — if he's cramming for a marathon game of Empire at Bobby's house on Friday night. Also, notice there's no Libya mentioned.

poncho_pilot November 30, 2011 at 11:01 am

"I'm not a lobbyist — I'm a charlatan and a whore." –Newt
"I'm not a charlatan and a whore — I'm a lobbyist." –A Lobbyist

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 11:23 am

notice there's no Libya mentioned

Scroll down about halfway along the webpage and you'll find what SwanSwanH pointed out backthread. If you'd rather spare yourself, the blurb (headed "LIBYA: CLARITY NEEDED") begins with predictable bathos: "“Mr. Cain sheds no tears for Colonel Gaddafi…”

SayItWithWookies November 30, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Oops — caught that just now. It wasn't on his map, and I didn't get past Canada in his country summaries, since that was plenty of stupid for me. But then I started my day by listening to Glenn Beck interview Rick Santorum.

Mumbletypeg November 30, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I probably did you a disfavor; you'd have been better off just with the map to draw any conclusions. The more Herman (or his team of flunkies) attempts to articulate his position, the more obvious it becomes from their poor command of language that "CLARITY NEEDED" could apply to the entire Cain "vision" thing.

LiveToServeYa November 30, 2011 at 10:58 am

Herman Cain has managed to reduce global politics to a graphic that looks like an x-ray of somebody's pancreas with simplistic labels. AN INTELLECTUAL TRIUMPH! We shall totally vent our spleen at China.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm

China is a "competitor" according to Herm's magical map. Maybe he'll offer spleen as a pizza topping in order to compete.

HistoriCat November 30, 2011 at 11:00 am

Anyone else just dying of anticipation for the first time Rick Perry tries to pronounce “tautology”?

Rick Perry does not have time to worry about those science things and he doesn't care whether anyone is studying tauts!

poncho_pilot November 30, 2011 at 11:02 am

"can you show me on the blue cut of meat where Herman touched you?"

kissawookiee November 30, 2011 at 11:07 am

The UK only told us it was our special relationship so we'd let it touch Florida.

AddHomonym November 30, 2011 at 11:08 am

LIBYA: DON"T ASK

MegPasadena November 30, 2011 at 11:24 am

So Newt is lobbying without license?

Mojopo November 30, 2011 at 11:53 am

The only way this could be better is if it was scrawled in crayon and stuck to the fridge with a magnet.

outragedcitizen November 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I rather doubt I could sit through one of Newt's speeches if he paid ME $60K.

BerkeleyBear November 30, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Ok, Newt's not a lobbyist. He's a "celebrity," which the GOP claims to hate (Coming soon to a crappy cable channel – The GOP non-celebrity Variety Hour, with your host Tundra Twat and her amazing ass talking! Also featuring Newts, hair bombs and other rejected Muppets!) So of course people paid to meet him and have him introduce them to his "friends."

I will say the issue of what a lobbyist is or isn't is something I don't quite get. Axelrod ran issue campaigns for years but claimed he wasn't a lobbyist because he didn't advocate face to face. I suppose Newt is claiming the inverse – I met face to face and served as a go-between, but I never actually advocated anything (that would require knowing something about what this person actually wants, rather than just taking their check).

owhatever November 30, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Newt is not a lobbyist, just a whore.

datateday November 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It looks like Bret Baier and Mitt Romney (who looks like a younger Arlen Specter in your .gif) are interviewing inside a train car. You'd be squirming and antsy too, if you were interviewed in those conditions.

Newt Gingrich – keep calling yourself a historian, because if you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth. Your "historian" status isn't nearly official yet. Gotta keep up the BS spasms until you get something right already.

That's right, Herman Cain, keep on reassessing reassessing until all the reassessing reassesses turn into Reese's Pieces all over you, then, you can blend into the wall paper of the White House, which has GOTTA have orange, yellow, and brown wall paper somewhere in there, and on one unsuspecting night, try and sneak inside with the Reese's Pieces, lock the doors of the Lincoln Bedroom as Barrack & Michele snooze and then let in a cadre of junk food mascots and establish a military coup from the inside out. The media establishments of the world will know you have succeeded as you replace the United States' Flag with a hodge-podge of different logos identifying your many years and years of business experience. It will change the world. Or your pantry-room. Whatever is the definition of success on Planet Cain…

ttommyunger November 30, 2011 at 1:29 pm

These sound more like comic book characters than actual people: you got your "Doughy Pantload", your "Shaft" and your "PlasticMan". Two of the three spend more time trying to justify their fuck-ups than putting forward their programs-always a winning strategy. Looks like another win for Barry, near or not.

gurukalehuru November 30, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Libya: Clarity needed. No shit, Sherlock.

Warpde November 30, 2011 at 2:57 pm

"Canada: Friend and Ally"__"We have stood together during both World Wars and in Afghanistan and Iraq."____Iraq, really? How come I wasn't informed of this.__Does Harper know? Is it too late to go?

mavenmaven November 30, 2011 at 3:01 pm

He's not a lobbyist, the corporations were “just trying to help him financially”

PrimlyStable November 30, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Not quite sure why Herman thinks America's relationship with the UK has declined under Obama. When Barry visited earlier this year he was greeted by cheering crowds and received a standing ovation after becoming the first US president to address both houses of Parliament in Westminster Hall, a venue previously used for speeches by the Queen, the Pope and Nelson Mandela.

When Dubya visited, protesters burned an effigy of him in Trafalgar Square.

rocktonsam November 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

and we thought Callista was the pretentious cocksucker in the family

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 11:26 am

Meanwhile, Hugo is the only one offering energy relief to our remote Alaskan villages in our $3 billion dollar rich First World oil producing State.

The article is old but the players and energy costs and challenges remain the same.
http://juneauempire.com/stories/030308/sta_253214

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 11:35 am

In addition to the question, “Who’s afraid of Hugo Chavez?” one also wants to ask whether Alaskans’ preference for dispersed rural life is…what’s the unique word I’m looking for, the one you hardly ever hear? Oh yeah:  sustainable.

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

If its a motherland, how is 'dispersed rural life" a preference?

Sure, life was hard before 'contact' but we knew how to feed ourselves and stay warm. And sure we had short life spans, got hungry a lot, but we knew what we were up against. Mother Nature ruled, man drooled.

We migrated with food sources, it was short and brutal but it was sustainable. The church made us build our homes above ground and live in 'communities' got us hooked on that sweet sweet fungible commodity – oil.

A chief observed that "before the white man came we lived below the ground and buried our dead above ground; now that we live like the white man, we live above ground and put our dead (when the ground thaws) under ground." But it takes mula to heat above ground homes and eat processed foods in a non-traditional Western economy setting. Now that our Congressionally mandated corporate culture has finally made measured markers of success, we got folks like Sen. Claire McCaskill, she of the private luxury corporate travel, fighting against our government contracts and failed US Senate candidate Joe Miller whining that the Free Market doesn't belong in our hands.

I say if you are going to rule out entities, such as businesses and communities due to "sustainable" factors, then how are big banks still doing business? Airlines? The Auto Industry? Non corporate farms? Corporate farms?

Want to discuss high risk living locations? Multi-million dollar Hurricane eroded properties? Tornado Ally mobile parks? Earthquake regions?

Come on.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Aboriginal peoples are a different deal, to be sure. I was thinking of gun-lovin, 4×4-drivin, huntin’n’fishin Lower-48ers who tow the singlewide to 5 acres outside Fairbanks and imagine they’re pioneers. Sprawl’s my pet bugaboo.

NorthStarSpanx November 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Fair enough. MJV572, you got my wind up there for a minute! We are good.

Master Janitor V572 November 30, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Tutto bene!

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