Newt Brags About His Money, Herman ‘In Special Relationship’ with UK

  gifzette daily briefing

WATCH HIM SQUIRMNEW YORK—Pop your popcorn, people, because this is RICH: thanks to a thorough Times piece today we learn that the reason Newt Gingrich shouldn’t be considered a lobbyist is because… Newt Gingrich isn’t a registered lobbyist! (Anyone else just dying of anticipation for the first time Rick Perry tries to pronounce “tautology”?)

So here’s the rub, haters: Newt’s not a lobbyist because he just “arranges meetings” and “grants access.” Got that? Take it from this guy, who shelled out just shy of a six-figure salary for Newt’s not-lobbying: “’He made it very clear to us that he does not lobby, but that he could direct us to the right places in Washington and elsewhere,’ said Paul Branagan, who was president of Millennium Plastics when it hired Mr. Gingrich for $7,500 a month plus stock options.” Ok!

But it was at a campaign stop in South Carolina yesterday that things got real good: “I did no lobbying of any kind — period. I’m going to be really direct, OK? I was charging $60,000 a speech. And the number of speeches was going up, not down. Normally, celebrities leave and they gradually sell fewer speeches every year. We were selling more.” Now, do take a minute to wipe up the coffee that just shot out your nose before marveling at how beautiful this is. Newt just explained that the reason he doesn’t need to lobby is because (and just let him be really direct, ok?) he earns twice as much per speech as the median individual income — and he wants you to know this!

Herm Cain is busily reassessing reassessing, even going to far as to tweet the dictionary definition of reassessing to assure everyone that “to consider again, esp. while paying attention to new factors,” er, “doesn’t sound like dropping out.”

So to prove that he’s still very much in this thing, Herm unveiled a thoroughly 21st century roadmap for American foreign policy. And it really has to be seen to be believed, because America’s role in the world has effectively been reduced to a series of Facebook relationship statuses. Mexico? “Friend and partner.” Canada? “Friend and ally.” The UK? “Our special relationship.” Yes, he said that. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

 
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158 comments

  1. Barb

    Well Herm certainly isn't in a special relationship with Germany, His 9-9-9- plan sounds like he was hitting on triplets at Oktoberfest.

  2. Dr_Zoidberg

    That is a very pretty map, Mr. Cain. Did you color it all by yourself?

    Also, morons were paying Newter $60-fucking-thousand-dollars for a SPEECH?!

    1. YasserArraFeck

      That's just the start of it – the fucker also gets free rein at the buffet counter – another ten grand, easy

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      Paul Krugman had a great line on one of the Sunday chat shows:

      "New Gingrich sounds like what stupid people think a smart person sounds like."

  3. Terry

    "Herm Cain is busily reassessing reassessing, even going to far as to tweet the dictionary definition of reassessing to assure everyone that “to consider again, esp. while paying attention to new factors,” er, “doesn’t sound like dropping out.”"

    Translation: Everybody but Cain thinks he should drop out, including his now thoroughly embarassed wife, but he disagrees and is looking for a way to change all their minds or just ignore them.

    Oh, and Newtie? You are slicing and dicing the definition of "lobbyist" pretty darn thin and aren't fooling anyone.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Is it just me, or does everything in Herm's campaign sound like he looked it up in a dictionary?

  4. Tundra Grifter

    If I were Herman Cain (and I'm very, very happy I'm not!) I wouldn't be talking about "special relationships" right through here.

    As for Ole Newt, I just can't believe we could be so lucky as to have him as the GNoP'eer nominee. That would be Christmas everyday from until November 2012!

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Biff:

        I just can't believe that. Ole Newt can't stand the bright sunshine, day after day.

        I'm still waiting for the classic, self-destructive blow-up. On stage with Mr. Obama, Ole Newt will be exposed for a cynical, coldhearted blowhard.

        And, if by some bizarre twist of history, he should be elected, then we get what we deserve.

  5. freakishlywrong

    So, I'm not a lobbyist, (or historian), because I don't need the stinkin' money? Because right-wing think tanks pay me huge piles of obscene cash just for me to turn on the guano faucet? I hate to say it, but that will go down well with all the unemployed, poverty stricken teatards.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Please keep in mind that these starving masses are only waiting for the trickle-down effects that will come when Newt eliminated the Death Tax and the capital gains taxes.

    2. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Actually it will. Money = virtue to those mouth breathers who consider the lotto a sound investment strategy.

    1. Barb

      And they've named a dish after him, "spotted dick" It seems that most everyone has spotted it by now, making Gloria Allred one busy woman.

  6. comrad_darkness

    Whew, at least we're assured that Newt can identify with the problems of real working America.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Of course, every Teatard that I know will see this as proof that Newt is a man who has worked hard for his money.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        And he shouldn't be punished for his success. In fact, we should be trying to find new ways to reward the rich and lavish them with praise and tax breaks. It's the only way to motivate the poor to stop being poor.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        But Obama writing a couple of best sellers after community organizing, voter drive directing, legislating and teaching is proof he's never worked a day in his life (or so spake Gov. Goodhair). As well as further evidence of a grand left wing Bill Ayres led conspiracy to provide him with a comfortable level of wealth.

  7. Terry

    On a separate subject, I got a robo-call last night announcing an Occupy event at the U.S. Capitol. I was invited to participate or to provide support (logistical or financial) to the many people who will be arriving here in DC by bus in the none-to-distant future from cities across the country.

  8. Tundra Grifter

    It's obvious the $60G's a speech is a cover. Newt isn't a registered lobbyist. It appears to me this is a "wink-wink" way to pay him for services rendered. In my personal opinion it looks like a kissing cousin to money laundering.

    I mean, why wouldn't Fannie Mae pay $1,600,000 for an "historian's" work? Although that title would rule out Newt.

    The most astonishing thing about all this, is that anyone would believe Newt has any influence of any kind on The Hill.

    Remarkable.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Bingo!

      My research physician wife and her research physician colleagues are constantly being asked by drug companies to give very short "talks" (sometimes as little as 5 or 10 minutes) in her specialty (type II diabetes and related lifestyle illnesses) to gatherings sponsored by Big Pharma at luxury resort locations. All expenses paid, and the compensation for these talks is ridiculous. Thousands of dollars to fly to a warm spa in the winter on someone else's dime and give a talk so brief you hardly have to prepare. She invariably turns them down, as do her colleagues, because the sensible view is that these things become addictive. And if you publish research that costs the Drug companies money, they tend to vanish.

      But according to the official rules, this is completely above board. It would be terrible to keep private researchers and public ones from sharing ideas. That would block the free flow of scientific ideas.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Some years ago my boss was invited to give a speech at an insurance company gathering in Singapore. All expenses paid, of course.

        He received a schedule for the conference, wrote his speech on the plane out there (took his wife, of course) and was generally all ready to go.

        After his arrival he inquired about the details. "Oh – we didn't tell you?" they said. "There really isn't a conference. That's just for show."

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Shit! And here I've been helping my wife prepare for conference presentations for years where her company/organization has to foot her expenses, she actually has to give her talk and they expect it to be decent. And I've had to prepare articles to accompany CLE lectures for my presentations. We are plainly not doing it right.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        It is actually worse than you depict in some of the fields of medicine. That model of "consultant" contracts arose after a bunch of pharma companies got busted for straight payola to physicians (the ortho companies were actually worse, believe it or not). I've seen some (hopefully disappearing now that by law they have to be disclosed) where docs with lucrative practices were actually having whole clinics and staffs funded by the companies, but with no research or publication requirements – just that they "consider" attending conferences. It was bribery in all but name, and yet somehow it took outside counsel to point out to them that this smelled bad.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "The most astonishing thing about all this, is that anyone would believe Newt has any influence of any kind on The Hill."

      Have you looked at the clowns on The Hill these days?

  9. paris biltong

    So if I understand it correctly, the choice in the medium to long term is between drowning and starvation? Wouldn't the best solution be for all to lean how to swim and eat sushi? Problem solved.

  10. Ruhe

    So Newt's not a lobbyist, he's just a pimp? That's what we call someone who brokers these sorts of sordid business/social transactions right? "I simply introduced company X to Senator Y. Once I left the room I have no idea who, if anyone, dropped their pants."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm more concerned that Canada is going to built that XL pipeline to China instead. How did Cain get that information ahead of the rest of us?

  11. SorosBot

    Newt saying he's not a lobbyist because he just grants access reminds me of our wonderful visitor from a month or so back who insisted that a teacher who raped a junior high girl was not a pedophile because most junior high kids are in their teens.

    1. prommie

      So he invoked the traditional southern standard, "If they're old enough to bleed, they're old enough to breed?"

      1. SorosBot

        I think it was actually a she; but yes. And she thought we were all being horribly bigoted against adult who have sex with thirteen year olds (really).

    2. Chichikovovich

      Was it Bill Donahue from the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights?

      "The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,… [but] most of [the victims] are post-pubescent."

  12. elviouslyqueer

    "Normally, celebrities leave and they gradually sell fewer speeches every year. We were selling more.”

    Um, Newt? Just because you're a bigger ass than Kim Kardashian, your current wife has cornered the market on Botox, and your ego is marginally more inflated than Pamela Anderson's titties does not make you a celebrity. Is all I'm saying.

  13. Ruhe

    To be a professional you just have to show that people will pay you to do it. To be registered you have to have other professionals attest that you're doing it right. Newt lost the latter status when he gave up leadership in the Republican congressional caucus, which is like a club for professional jackasses.

      1. prommie

        I forgot to mention, I do these things in exchange for money. But I am not a lawyer. I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express, though.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    NYT quoting a Gingrich beneficiary:

    “You have somebody who knows what he believes in, he can effectively communicate it, and he’s successful in doing it,” said his spokesman, R. C. Hammond. “God bless America.”

    Uh, you had me until the God Bless America, wtf? and by 'had me' I mean as in, had me convinced those same descriptors would apply to Satan or any other great communicator; still, it doesn't mean I'm going to want him/her running my country.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      That's what I did a double take with too, where the fuck did "God Bless America" come in? Hammond? The reporter? Gingrich?

      Populist dog-whistle, just throw in God, the troops, any of em, all of em like Sarah Palin and we all look the other way while they do their soft-shoe dance.

  15. Chichikovovich

    I think that for Herman, "special relationship with Britain" means that the US grabs the north of Scotland and pushes it toward Florida.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      While he reassesses staying in the race, desperate housewives across the heartland are still begging Sarah to reassess getting into this comedic Primary.

  16. CapeClod

    He also didn't divorce the wife who was undergoing cancer treatment. He legally ended his marriage to a woman who was too old and sick to participate in that said marriage.

  17. Master Janitor V572

    Good to see Hermy's got Venezuela high up on the list of "adversary regimes." I wake up every morning wondering what new evil thing Hugo "Yugo" Chavez is going to use his immense military, economic and diplomatic powers to do to us, besides selling us cheap oil. It feels good to be afraid. Reminds you of the Cold War, when there was a First World (us) and a Third World (Yemen and Alabama) and presumably, although never identified, a "Second World." You could understand that, you knew what grid coordinates to enter in the ICBMs, and who to hate. Now it's so confusing: there're Browns everywhere you look!

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      You have both scared and titillated me. This must explain the success of the likes of Newt and Rick and Herb.

      1. Master Janitor V572

        We Olds (and defense contractors) like comfortable, predictable enemies who have targets worthy of our weapons systems. It’s no fun sending a $1M GPS-guided cruise missile to blow up a tent in the desert.

          1. Master Janitor V572

            In addition to the question, “Who’s afraid of Hugo Chavez?” one also wants to ask whether Alaskans’ preference for dispersed rural life is…what’s the unique word I’m looking for, the one you hardly ever hear? Oh yeah:  sustainable.

          2. NorthStarSpanx

            If its a motherland, how is 'dispersed rural life" a preference?

            Sure, life was hard before 'contact' but we knew how to feed ourselves and stay warm. And sure we had short life spans, got hungry a lot, but we knew what we were up against. Mother Nature ruled, man drooled.

            We migrated with food sources, it was short and brutal but it was sustainable. The church made us build our homes above ground and live in 'communities' got us hooked on that sweet sweet fungible commodity – oil.

            A chief observed that "before the white man came we lived below the ground and buried our dead above ground; now that we live like the white man, we live above ground and put our dead (when the ground thaws) under ground." But it takes mula to heat above ground homes and eat processed foods in a non-traditional Western economy setting. Now that our Congressionally mandated corporate culture has finally made measured markers of success, we got folks like Sen. Claire McCaskill, she of the private luxury corporate travel, fighting against our government contracts and failed US Senate candidate Joe Miller whining that the Free Market doesn't belong in our hands.

            I say if you are going to rule out entities, such as businesses and communities due to "sustainable" factors, then how are big banks still doing business? Airlines? The Auto Industry? Non corporate farms? Corporate farms?

            Want to discuss high risk living locations? Multi-million dollar Hurricane eroded properties? Tornado Ally mobile parks? Earthquake regions?

            Come on.

          3. Master Janitor V572

            Aboriginal peoples are a different deal, to be sure. I was thinking of gun-lovin, 4×4-drivin, huntin’n’fishin Lower-48ers who tow the singlewide to 5 acres outside Fairbanks and imagine they’re pioneers. Sprawl’s my pet bugaboo.

    2. Mojopo

      By this logic, BP is a saint for all of the times they throw a nickel at swamp people in Louisiana. Oogo is a butthorn the end.

      1. doloras

        Why? Because he actually does, as President, all the things that the libs who voted for Obama are shocked and appalled he hasn't done? Things like provide real healthcare for the poors, kick the right-wing and corporate's asses instead of trying to play nice with them, etc etc? What about that is the work of a "butthorn"?

  18. Oblios_Cap

    Mr. Cain will not turn a blind eye toward the Iranian people who are risking their lives in their struggle for freedom and democracy.

    I imagine Cain will turn his big, fiery, Sauronish eye their way.

  19. raygotaway

    Newt's great at arranging meetings.
    BJ's from Callista in his kid's school parking lot screams lobbyist to me.
    But old Herb's foreign policy Cliff's Notes for droolers and jr. high dropouts
    is kind of sad.

  20. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Lobbying" would be telling Senator A why Corporate Excecutive B is being introduced … and I'm sure Newt never did that.

    (I'm equally sure that Bill Clinton never had relations with that woman, so I'm just gonna ignore the corporate jizz stains on Newt's tie.)

  21. Indiepalin

    He is not a lobbyist because none of Mr. Gingrich’s clients paid him to adopt a position that he did not already have. Okay, that's very different. Nevermind.

  22. Eve8Apples

    When Cain is elected pizza delivery guy in chief, I want to be "Friends with Benefits" with a sexy country, maybe France or Italy.

  23. Eve8Apples

    Newt’s not-lobbying: “’He made it very clear to us that he does not lobby, but that he could direct us to the right places in Washington and elsewhere," said Paul Branagan.

    Newt is not a lobbyist, he's more like a pimp. He doesn't do the whoring, but he knows where you can be whored if you are in the mood for whoring.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        And they do their best to return the favor by influencing our decisions/keep us from finding other fuckbuddies.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    "I'm not a lobbyist — I'm a charlatan and a whore."
    Oh — okay Newt — thanks for clearing that up.

    And Herman Cain's foreign policy analysis is great — if he's cramming for a marathon game of Empire at Bobby's house on Friday night. Also, notice there's no Libya mentioned.

    1. poncho_pilot

      "I'm not a lobbyist — I'm a charlatan and a whore." –Newt
      "I'm not a charlatan and a whore — I'm a lobbyist." –A Lobbyist

    2. Mumbletypeg

      notice there's no Libya mentioned

      Scroll down about halfway along the webpage and you'll find what SwanSwanH pointed out backthread. If you'd rather spare yourself, the blurb (headed "LIBYA: CLARITY NEEDED") begins with predictable bathos: "“Mr. Cain sheds no tears for Colonel Gaddafi…”

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oops — caught that just now. It wasn't on his map, and I didn't get past Canada in his country summaries, since that was plenty of stupid for me. But then I started my day by listening to Glenn Beck interview Rick Santorum.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          I probably did you a disfavor; you'd have been better off just with the map to draw any conclusions. The more Herman (or his team of flunkies) attempts to articulate his position, the more obvious it becomes from their poor command of language that "CLARITY NEEDED" could apply to the entire Cain "vision" thing.

  25. LiveToServeYa

    Herman Cain has managed to reduce global politics to a graphic that looks like an x-ray of somebody's pancreas with simplistic labels. AN INTELLECTUAL TRIUMPH! We shall totally vent our spleen at China.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      China is a "competitor" according to Herm's magical map. Maybe he'll offer spleen as a pizza topping in order to compete.

  26. HistoriCat

    Anyone else just dying of anticipation for the first time Rick Perry tries to pronounce “tautology”?

    Rick Perry does not have time to worry about those science things and he doesn't care whether anyone is studying tauts!

  27. BerkeleyBear

    Ok, Newt's not a lobbyist. He's a "celebrity," which the GOP claims to hate (Coming soon to a crappy cable channel – The GOP non-celebrity Variety Hour, with your host Tundra Twat and her amazing ass talking! Also featuring Newts, hair bombs and other rejected Muppets!) So of course people paid to meet him and have him introduce them to his "friends."

    I will say the issue of what a lobbyist is or isn't is something I don't quite get. Axelrod ran issue campaigns for years but claimed he wasn't a lobbyist because he didn't advocate face to face. I suppose Newt is claiming the inverse – I met face to face and served as a go-between, but I never actually advocated anything (that would require knowing something about what this person actually wants, rather than just taking their check).

  28. datateday

    It looks like Bret Baier and Mitt Romney (who looks like a younger Arlen Specter in your .gif) are interviewing inside a train car. You'd be squirming and antsy too, if you were interviewed in those conditions.

    Newt Gingrich – keep calling yourself a historian, because if you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth. Your "historian" status isn't nearly official yet. Gotta keep up the BS spasms until you get something right already.

    That's right, Herman Cain, keep on reassessing reassessing until all the reassessing reassesses turn into Reese's Pieces all over you, then, you can blend into the wall paper of the White House, which has GOTTA have orange, yellow, and brown wall paper somewhere in there, and on one unsuspecting night, try and sneak inside with the Reese's Pieces, lock the doors of the Lincoln Bedroom as Barrack & Michele snooze and then let in a cadre of junk food mascots and establish a military coup from the inside out. The media establishments of the world will know you have succeeded as you replace the United States' Flag with a hodge-podge of different logos identifying your many years and years of business experience. It will change the world. Or your pantry-room. Whatever is the definition of success on Planet Cain…

  29. ttommyunger

    These sound more like comic book characters than actual people: you got your "Doughy Pantload", your "Shaft" and your "PlasticMan". Two of the three spend more time trying to justify their fuck-ups than putting forward their programs-always a winning strategy. Looks like another win for Barry, near or not.

  30. Warpde

    "Canada: Friend and Ally"__"We have stood together during both World Wars and in Afghanistan and Iraq."____Iraq, really? How come I wasn't informed of this.__Does Harper know? Is it too late to go?

  31. PrimlyStable

    Not quite sure why Herman thinks America's relationship with the UK has declined under Obama. When Barry visited earlier this year he was greeted by cheering crowds and received a standing ovation after becoming the first US president to address both houses of Parliament in Westminster Hall, a venue previously used for speeches by the Queen, the Pope and Nelson Mandela.

    When Dubya visited, protesters burned an effigy of him in Trafalgar Square.

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