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WATCH HIM SQUIRMNEW YORK—Pop your popcorn, people, because this is RICH: thanks to a thorough Times piece today we learn that the reason Newt Gingrich shouldn’t be considered a lobbyist is because… Newt Gingrich isn’t a registered lobbyist! (Anyone else just dying of anticipation for the first time Rick Perry tries to pronounce “tautology”?)

So here’s the rub, haters: Newt’s not a lobbyist because he just “arranges meetings” and “grants access.” Got that? Take it from this guy, who shelled out just shy of a six-figure salary for Newt’s not-lobbying: “’He made it very clear to us that he does not lobby, but that he could direct us to the right places in Washington and elsewhere,’ said Paul Branagan, who was president of Millennium Plastics when it hired Mr. Gingrich for $7,500 a month plus stock options.” Ok!

But it was at a campaign stop in South Carolina yesterday that things got real good: “I did no lobbying of any kind — period. I’m going to be really direct, OK? I was charging $60,000 a speech. And the number of speeches was going up, not down. Normally, celebrities leave and they gradually sell fewer speeches every year. We were selling more.” Now, do take a minute to wipe up the coffee that just shot out your nose before marveling at how beautiful this is. Newt just explained that the reason he doesn’t need to lobby is because (and just let him be really direct, ok?) he earns twice as much per speech as the median individual income — and he wants you to know this!

Herm Cain is busily reassessing reassessing, even going to far as to tweet the dictionary definition of reassessing to assure everyone that “to consider again, esp. while paying attention to new factors,” er, “doesn’t sound like dropping out.”

So to prove that he’s still very much in this thing, Herm unveiled a thoroughly 21st century roadmap for American foreign policy. And it really has to be seen to be believed, because America’s role in the world has effectively been reduced to a series of Facebook relationship statuses. Mexico? “Friend and partner.” Canada? “Friend and ally.” The UK? “Our special relationship.” Yes, he said that. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

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