Rick Perry Hoping He Can At Least Win Imaginary Nov. 12 Election

Sooper jenius Rick Perry has finally stumbled on the secret to a 2012 victory! He invited a town hall audience in New Hampshire to make sure to vote for him on November 12, a week after the sucky November 6 presidential election nobody is enthusiastic about anyway, and when no one else will even be running anymore! Oh man, he's got this one so locked up. And now see if you can spot Boozy Suzy's other critical system error from the very same sentence: “Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won’t be, work hard.” Because there better not be any underage drinking going on at the polls! Everyone else, get as drunkas possibleas Rick Perry, so that you accidentally vote for him in his fictional election. It's all part of his brilliant plan.

The dwindling patch of functioning neurons in Rick Perry's brain have even managed to compute that people may still want a few reasons to vote for him, so he also threw up this exciting offer to voters in the same town hall:

Speaking of illegal immigrants arrested for non-violent crimes, Perry said, “My policy will be to detain and deport every illegal alien who is apprehended in this country.”

Or, put another way using the magic of synonyms, he will detain everyone who is detained! See, it's like he is keeping his campaign promises already.

God, Rick Perry, you are not required to get wasted every time you speak in public. [ Boston Globe ]