so that's how twitter makes money

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

Just don't look at the ones under this first one, okay!?Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter]

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  • SexySmurf

    #heblowsalotofwomenwhoaren'thiswife

    • actor212

      How do you blow women?

      • MistaEko

        blow ON them.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Mmmm, sounds nice.

      • ttommyunger

        Willing to learn!

        • MaxNeanderthal

          I was first in line!

          • ttommyunger

            So? Seconds never stopped me.

          • Tommmcattt

            Straight people are weird.

          • ttommyunger

            My business went in the crapper for about a year after faxing came out big in the mid-90's. I delivered pizza in Atlanta Mid-Town for that period of time. I could always tell immediately when I was delivering to a gay home or apartment: it looked too clean and well-appointed to be lived in and the ever-present dog always looked and smelled better than I did. And yes, we're weird, but like you, we have no choice in the matter.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Yeah, well, anybody who can call ttommy "straight" with a straight face is pretty deluded, methinks. He might not be gay, but he sure is queer.

            Edited to add: Maybe I mean "strange," not "queer." But I mean it in the best way, ttommy!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Slut.

          • ttommyunger

            Guilty, yo honah!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        How do you blow men, for that matter? If "blow" is defined as "have oral sex with," then you can do it with both. If "blow" is defined as the actual forcing of air through the cheeks, it doesn't sound very sexy.

        In reality, it all just sucks, yaknow.

  • Master Janitor V572

    I'd vote for Romeny in a heartbeat. Love those Gypsy airs.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I prefer a Londonderry Air, myself, but there's no accounting for tastes.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    As Elmer Fudd said, we-tweet and we-load, you wascals. Or is it "we-woed?"

    I know I woed when I watched the debates.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Who were you widing?

  • chascates

    I'm guessing '9-9-9 The Movie' will be on the Fox Network after midnight lineup soon enough.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Well, it sure as hell ain't making it into any art film houses!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Both Maddow and Cain have some reassessment confronting them. Herman's taken the suggestion of "performance art" rather too literally of a compliment; & Rachel probably had no idea how what started as a joke would prove accurate, in spades.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I see what you did there. *applauds*

    • ttommyunger

      Heh, heh, you said "spades", heh, heh.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Dammit, you beat me to it again.

        Say, how's the talk in your hometown regarding Mr. Cain's misadventures?

        • ttommyunger

          Crickets! Even a Georgia Rube has enough sense to be embarrassed when he's made a fool of. I try to be gracious and not rub too much salt in their collective asses on fb, etc., heh, heh.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Your bombing-fu is needed on aisle one.

    • Callyson

      Oh God, that reminds me…I hope Cain's dropping out does not translate into good news for the frothy mix…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        So far, no good. Seems the voters like Rick even less than they like dirty old dawgs like Herm and Newt.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Oh what Danny could do to him! I could clip that column and just read it aloud as foreplay for the next decade or so.

  • GhostBuggy

    Why do I get the feeling "9-9-9: The Movie" involves a pizza delivery guy and a topless customer who doesn't have the money to pay?

    • littlebigdaddy

      And extra sauce!

      • DahBoner

        Smells like anchovies!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Like the old Monty Python "Milkman" skit? My all-time favorite!

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Customer: "Were's the pepperoni?"
      Delivery guy: "I've been waiting for someone to ask that question for 16 years!"

    • GeorgiaBurning

      That was back in the 70's- "Debbie Does Dominoes"

  • BornInATrailer

    Too bad he could never defeat his "Slacks Monster"

    • emmelemm

      I prefer Trouser Snake.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        One-eyed knicker python….

        • Tommmcattt

          The little man with the one-track plan…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I'm going to nominate budgie-smuggler.

          • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

            You mean Cain's Main Vein?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I must be tired. I read that as "Cain's Man Vein." Which is also applicable.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    WWMST,B? (What Would Michael Steele Tweet, Baby?!")

    • Limeylizzie

      I love Michael Steele,

  • DaRooster

    I never wanna see "69 69 69 the Movie"…
    Although, the way it is going… it'll be popping up soon.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Hell, it's probably in post-production already….

  • hagajim

    #Hermanlikestofucksomehoes

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      That's not fair. So far, they've all been … just people. Not ladies of the night, not callgirls or hos or strumpets or prostitutes. Just working women, with families and children and boyfriends and husbands and hard-luck stories.

      I guess I'm feeling especially rancorous about this issue right now having just read painful accounts of the fate of the "comfort women" seized by Japanese troops in WW II from Korea, China, VietNam, and pretty much all of Southeast Asia.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Tagline: 9 Women 9 Times in 9 Hours vs. the Tax Monster

  • mookwrthwilson

    Eugene Mirman for First Lady!

  • dahboner

    Herb, your tweet don’t mean sheet.

  • DahBoner

    Herb, your tweet don't mean sheet.

  • RadiosTyrone

    Help Herman defeat "The Boredom of Monogamy."

  • widestanceshakedown

    If he was to throw in some free breadsticks for votes, he might still have a chance at this.

    • jus_wonderin

      It seems he is all about the extra toppings. Or, maybe the girls rode him. Hmmmm.

  • littlebigdaddy

    It's like Smoove B grew up and ran for president http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-four-seasons

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Apparently the "Tax Monster" is what he calls the little angel on his shoulder telling him not to fuck women that are not his wife.

  • Lucidamente1

    You won't be laughing when it's Newt's turn to be accused, and images of him with women you've never even heard of are burned into your parietal lobes.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Maybe the magic in Mitt's underpants is that only his wife can get them off. That' seems to be his main distinguishing characteristic in this campaign.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      The same could be said of Jon Huntsman, if only anybody would even bother to notice that Jon Huntsman is running.

      Besides, I found out that those magic underpants are actually more like a magic onesie, so they don't just cover your naughty bits but pretty much your WHOLE FUCKING BODY. God help you if you get explosive diarrhoea AND have to pee really bad right after smashing both your hands. I forget exactly how they button (or zip) but taking them off has GOT to be a giant pain.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Straight from Twitter into the shitter, eh Hermie?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hermie Cain!'s "reassessment"
    1. Ego caused delusions
    2. Extreme Ignorance
    3. Penis wants what the penis wants
    4. Bimbo Erruptions
    5. ????
    6. Victory

  • Blueb4sunrise

    # – # – #

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Sure, Herman — reassess your campaign …now that everybody else is doing it.
    Always just following the trend, that guy.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Good news for Newt? Just how is that? He's going to add Cain's paid Twitter followers to his non-existent Twitter followers?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      The latest on Twitter is that Iowa social conservatives are determined NOT to accept Newt as their candidate. They want someone else. Whom? That's anybody's guess.

  • ttommyunger

    …and then there were two: a Mormon with only one wife and a CHINO who has so far acquired three. Check, please!

  • Mahousu

    Arizona State Senator Lori Klein (the one who pointed a pink gun at reporters) says the charges can't be true, since Cain never hit on her. Maybe that's because she never put her gun down.

    • Callyson

      Or, Cain did not want to compete with her big pink gun.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      She claims she's an attractive woman, too, a claim only too easily and swiftly disproved in Teh Age Of Google.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Maybe her husband/partner finds her attractive, but she's a bit long in the tooth for Herman's taste, I suspect. In the event, Ginger White is far MORE attractive.

  • Troglodeity

    KIng Cainute.

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    Flip one of those 9s into an 6, and I just might want to see your movie, Mr. Cain.

  • Ducksworthy

    Sorry for the redundancy but I'm Still hoping to see pix of Herman doing the cock-in-a-box with a Godfathers Pissa. Will it be in the movie?

    • BornInATrailer

      Step One: Cut a hole in the pizza box.

  • paris biltong

    I'd be a little careful about encouraging the weeding out of adulterers, who may end up making slightly better presidents, judging by a quick comparison of such philanderers as Kennedy and Clinton to limp-dicks Nixon and the Bushes. In retrospect, it does seem as if the Dems do it more, or at least with more partners.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Make way for Queen Sarah to save the party!

  • CountryClubJihadi

    9-9-9 Problems, but a bitch ain't one. Cuz it's 5 bitches, at least.

  • Indiepalin

    In Cain's defense, he was "pretty sure" his wife had cancer.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Not that he has any facts to back that up …

  • BornInATrailer

    I'm really hoping the next revelation is The Noid coming forward with details of their torrid affair.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    All I have are jokes about extra sausage, and that feels too easy. I got nuthin.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    First it was "Plan 9-9-9 from Outer Space", now "Herman, Is That You? " Cain is right to want a "reassessment", has he called Bruce Vilanch yet?

  • Troglodeity

    This is all part of an evil Librul plot. They probably already have the woman who'll claim a 20-year lesbian affair with Michele Bachmann sitting in Gloria Allred's office.

    • RedneckMuslin

      That's ridiculous. Michelle likes gay men.

  • datateday

    999 the Movie couldn't come at a worse time… There'll probably be 5 people in the crowd instead of 11 now.

  • pinkocommi

    This post contains way too many references to Herman Cain's penis.