SO THAT'S HOW TWITTER MAKES MONEY  1:36 pm November 29, 2011

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

by Wonkette Jr.

Just don't look at the ones under this first one, okay!?Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter]

 
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{ 86 comments }

SexySmurf November 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm

#heblowsalotofwomenwhoaren'thiswife

actor212 November 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

How do you blow women?

MistaEko November 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

blow ON them.

starfanglednut November 29, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Mmmm, sounds nice.

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Willing to learn!

MaxNeanderthal November 29, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I was first in line!

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

So? Seconds never stopped me.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Slut.

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Guilty, yo honah!

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 7:59 pm

How do you blow men, for that matter? If "blow" is defined as "have oral sex with," then you can do it with both. If "blow" is defined as the actual forcing of air through the cheeks, it doesn't sound very sexy.

In reality, it all just sucks, yaknow.

Master Janitor V572 November 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I'd vote for Romeny in a heartbeat. Love those Gypsy airs.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:02 pm

I prefer a Londonderry Air, myself, but there's no accounting for tastes.

EatsBabyDingos November 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

As Elmer Fudd said, we-tweet and we-load, you wascals. Or is it "we-woed?"

I know I woed when I watched the debates.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Who were you widing?

chascates November 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I'm guessing '9-9-9 The Movie' will be on the Fox Network after midnight lineup soon enough.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Well, it sure as hell ain't making it into any art film houses!

Mumbletypeg November 29, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Both Maddow and Cain have some reassessment confronting them. Herman's taken the suggestion of "performance art" rather too literally of a compliment; & Rachel probably had no idea how what started as a joke would prove accurate, in spades.

elviouslyqueer November 29, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I see what you did there. *applauds*

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Heh, heh, you said "spades", heh, heh.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Dammit, you beat me to it again.

Say, how's the talk in your hometown regarding Mr. Cain's misadventures?

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Crickets! Even a Georgia Rube has enough sense to be embarrassed when he's made a fool of. I try to be gracious and not rub too much salt in their collective asses on fb, etc., heh, heh.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Your bombing-fu is needed on aisle one.

Callyson November 29, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Oh God, that reminds me…I hope Cain's dropping out does not translate into good news for the frothy mix…

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:05 pm

So far, no good. Seems the voters like Rick even less than they like dirty old dawgs like Herm and Newt.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Oh what Danny could do to him! I could clip that column and just read it aloud as foreplay for the next decade or so.

GhostBuggy November 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Why do I get the feeling "9-9-9: The Movie" involves a pizza delivery guy and a topless customer who doesn't have the money to pay?

littlebigdaddy November 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And extra sauce!

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Smells like anchovies!

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Like the old Monty Python "Milkman" skit? My all-time favorite!

Monsieur_Grumpe November 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Customer: "Were's the pepperoni?"
Delivery guy: "I've been waiting for someone to ask that question for 16 years!"

GeorgiaBurning November 29, 2011 at 5:31 pm

That was back in the 70's- "Debbie Does Dominoes"

BornInATrailer November 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Too bad he could never defeat his "Slacks Monster"

emmelemm November 29, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I prefer Trouser Snake.

MaxNeanderthal November 29, 2011 at 4:29 pm

One-eyed knicker python….

Tommmcattt November 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

The little man with the one-track plan…

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I'm going to nominate budgie-smuggler.

Mumbletypeg November 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm

WWMST,B? (What Would Michael Steele Tweet, Baby?!")

Limeylizzie November 29, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I love Michael Steele,

DaRooster November 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I never wanna see "69 69 69 the Movie"…
Although, the way it is going… it'll be popping up soon.

MaxNeanderthal November 29, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Hell, it's probably in post-production already….

hagajim November 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

#Hermanlikestofucksomehoes

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:10 pm

That's not fair. So far, they've all been … just people. Not ladies of the night, not callgirls or hos or strumpets or prostitutes. Just working women, with families and children and boyfriends and husbands and hard-luck stories.

I guess I'm feeling especially rancorous about this issue right now having just read painful accounts of the fate of the "comfort women" seized by Japanese troops in WW II from Korea, China, VietNam, and pretty much all of Southeast Asia.

ShitFilledExistence November 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Tagline: 9 Women 9 Times in 9 Hours vs. the Tax Monster

mookwrthwilson November 29, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Eugene Mirman for First Lady!

dahboner November 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Herb, your tweet don’t mean sheet.

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Herb, your tweet don't mean sheet.

RadiosTyrone November 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Help Herman defeat "The Boredom of Monogamy."

widestanceshakedown November 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

If he was to throw in some free breadsticks for votes, he might still have a chance at this.

jus_wonderin November 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm

It seems he is all about the extra toppings. Or, maybe the girls rode him. Hmmmm.

littlebigdaddy November 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It's like Smoove B grew up and ran for president http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-four-seasons

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Apparently the "Tax Monster" is what he calls the little angel on his shoulder telling him not to fuck women that are not his wife.

Lucidamente1 November 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm

You won't be laughing when it's Newt's turn to be accused, and images of him with women you've never even heard of are burned into your parietal lobes.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Maybe the magic in Mitt's underpants is that only his wife can get them off. That' seems to be his main distinguishing characteristic in this campaign.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:19 pm

The same could be said of Jon Huntsman, if only anybody would even bother to notice that Jon Huntsman is running.

Besides, I found out that those magic underpants are actually more like a magic onesie, so they don't just cover your naughty bits but pretty much your WHOLE FUCKING BODY. God help you if you get explosive diarrhoea AND have to pee really bad right after smashing both your hands. I forget exactly how they button (or zip) but taking them off has GOT to be a giant pain.

elviouslyqueer November 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Straight from Twitter into the shitter, eh Hermie?

ManchuCandidate November 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Hermie Cain!'s "reassessment"
1. Ego caused delusions
2. Extreme Ignorance
3. Penis wants what the penis wants
4. Bimbo Erruptions
5. ????
6. Victory

Blueb4sunrise November 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

# – # – #

Biel_ze_Bubba November 29, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Sure, Herman — reassess your campaign …now that everybody else is doing it.
Always just following the trend, that guy.

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Good news for Newt? Just how is that? He's going to add Cain's paid Twitter followers to his non-existent Twitter followers?

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:21 pm

The latest on Twitter is that Iowa social conservatives are determined NOT to accept Newt as their candidate. They want someone else. Whom? That's anybody's guess.

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

…and then there were two: a Mormon with only one wife and a CHINO who has so far acquired three. Check, please!

Mahousu November 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Arizona State Senator Lori Klein (the one who pointed a pink gun at reporters) says the charges can't be true, since Cain never hit on her. Maybe that's because she never put her gun down.

Callyson November 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Or, Cain did not want to compete with her big pink gun.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 9:18 pm

She claims she's an attractive woman, too, a claim only too easily and swiftly disproved in Teh Age Of Google.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Maybe her husband/partner finds her attractive, but she's a bit long in the tooth for Herman's taste, I suspect. In the event, Ginger White is far MORE attractive.

Troglodeity November 29, 2011 at 3:29 pm

KIng Cainute.

el_donaldo November 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Flip one of those 9s into an 6, and I just might want to see your movie, Mr. Cain.

Ducksworthy November 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Sorry for the redundancy but I'm Still hoping to see pix of Herman doing the cock-in-a-box with a Godfathers Pissa. Will it be in the movie?

BornInATrailer November 29, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Step One: Cut a hole in the pizza box.

paris biltong November 29, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I'd be a little careful about encouraging the weeding out of adulterers, who may end up making slightly better presidents, judging by a quick comparison of such philanderers as Kennedy and Clinton to limp-dicks Nixon and the Bushes. In retrospect, it does seem as if the Dems do it more, or at least with more partners.

johnnyzhivago November 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Make way for Queen Sarah to save the party!

CountryClubJihadi November 29, 2011 at 4:04 pm

9-9-9 Problems, but a bitch ain't one. Cuz it's 5 bitches, at least.

Indiepalin November 29, 2011 at 4:32 pm

In Cain's defense, he was "pretty sure" his wife had cancer.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Not that he has any facts to back that up …

BornInATrailer November 29, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I'm really hoping the next revelation is The Noid coming forward with details of their torrid affair.

BigDumbRedDog November 29, 2011 at 5:11 pm

All I have are jokes about extra sausage, and that feels too easy. I got nuthin.

GeorgiaBurning November 29, 2011 at 5:39 pm

First it was "Plan 9-9-9 from Outer Space", now "Herman, Is That You? " Cain is right to want a "reassessment", has he called Bruce Vilanch yet?

Troglodeity November 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm

This is all part of an evil Librul plot. They probably already have the woman who'll claim a 20-year lesbian affair with Michele Bachmann sitting in Gloria Allred's office.

RedneckMuslin November 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

That's ridiculous. Michelle likes gay men.

datateday November 29, 2011 at 10:47 pm

999 the Movie couldn't come at a worse time… There'll probably be 5 people in the crowd instead of 11 now.

pinkocommi November 30, 2011 at 12:10 am

This post contains way too many references to Herman Cain's penis.

Tommmcattt November 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Straight people are weird.

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 5:14 pm

My business went in the crapper for about a year after faxing came out big in the mid-90's. I delivered pizza in Atlanta Mid-Town for that period of time. I could always tell immediately when I was delivering to a gay home or apartment: it looked too clean and well-appointed to be lived in and the ever-present dog always looked and smelled better than I did. And yes, we're weird, but like you, we have no choice in the matter.

PalinzADummy November 29, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Yeah, well, anybody who can call ttommy "straight" with a straight face is pretty deluded, methinks. He might not be gay, but he sure is queer.

Edited to add: Maybe I mean "strange," not "queer." But I mean it in the best way, ttommy!

Sharkey November 30, 2011 at 12:08 am

You mean Cain's Main Vein?

PalinzADummy November 30, 2011 at 1:57 am

I must be tired. I read that as "Cain's Man Vein." Which is also applicable.

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