so that's how twitter makes money

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

Just don't look at the ones under this first one, okay!?Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter]

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          1. ttommyunger

            My business went in the crapper for about a year after faxing came out big in the mid-90's. I delivered pizza in Atlanta Mid-Town for that period of time. I could always tell immediately when I was delivering to a gay home or apartment: it looked too clean and well-appointed to be lived in and the ever-present dog always looked and smelled better than I did. And yes, we're weird, but like you, we have no choice in the matter.

          2. PalinzADummy

            Yeah, well, anybody who can call ttommy "straight" with a straight face is pretty deluded, methinks. He might not be gay, but he sure is queer.

            Edited to add: Maybe I mean "strange," not "queer." But I mean it in the best way, ttommy!

      1. PalinzADummy

        How do you blow men, for that matter? If "blow" is defined as "have oral sex with," then you can do it with both. If "blow" is defined as the actual forcing of air through the cheeks, it doesn't sound very sexy.

        In reality, it all just sucks, yaknow.

  1. EatsBabyDingos

    As Elmer Fudd said, we-tweet and we-load, you wascals. Or is it "we-woed?"

    I know I woed when I watched the debates.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Both Maddow and Cain have some reassessment confronting them. Herman's taken the suggestion of "performance art" rather too literally of a compliment; & Rachel probably had no idea how what started as a joke would prove accurate, in spades.

        1. ttommyunger

          Crickets! Even a Georgia Rube has enough sense to be embarrassed when he's made a fool of. I try to be gracious and not rub too much salt in their collective asses on fb, etc., heh, heh.

  3. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Paging Dan Savage to Twitter. Your bombing-fu is needed on aisle one.

    1. Callyson

      Oh God, that reminds me…I hope Cain's dropping out does not translate into good news for the frothy mix…

  4. GhostBuggy

    Why do I get the feeling "9-9-9: The Movie" involves a pizza delivery guy and a topless customer who doesn't have the money to pay?

  5. DaRooster

    I never wanna see "69 69 69 the Movie"…
    Although, the way it is going… it'll be popping up soon.

    1. PalinzADummy

      That's not fair. So far, they've all been … just people. Not ladies of the night, not callgirls or hos or strumpets or prostitutes. Just working women, with families and children and boyfriends and husbands and hard-luck stories.

      I guess I'm feeling especially rancorous about this issue right now having just read painful accounts of the fate of the "comfort women" seized by Japanese troops in WW II from Korea, China, VietNam, and pretty much all of Southeast Asia.

  6. widestanceshakedown

    If he was to throw in some free breadsticks for votes, he might still have a chance at this.

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Apparently the "Tax Monster" is what he calls the little angel on his shoulder telling him not to fuck women that are not his wife.

  8. Lucidamente1

    You won't be laughing when it's Newt's turn to be accused, and images of him with women you've never even heard of are burned into your parietal lobes.

  9. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Maybe the magic in Mitt's underpants is that only his wife can get them off. That' seems to be his main distinguishing characteristic in this campaign.

    1. PalinzADummy

      The same could be said of Jon Huntsman, if only anybody would even bother to notice that Jon Huntsman is running.

      Besides, I found out that those magic underpants are actually more like a magic onesie, so they don't just cover your naughty bits but pretty much your WHOLE FUCKING BODY. God help you if you get explosive diarrhoea AND have to pee really bad right after smashing both your hands. I forget exactly how they button (or zip) but taking them off has GOT to be a giant pain.

  10. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Sure, Herman — reassess your campaign …now that everybody else is doing it.
    Always just following the trend, that guy.

  11. Tundra Grifter

    Good news for Newt? Just how is that? He's going to add Cain's paid Twitter followers to his non-existent Twitter followers?

    1. PalinzADummy

      The latest on Twitter is that Iowa social conservatives are determined NOT to accept Newt as their candidate. They want someone else. Whom? That's anybody's guess.

  12. ttommyunger

    …and then there were two: a Mormon with only one wife and a CHINO who has so far acquired three. Check, please!

    1. PalinzADummy

      Maybe her husband/partner finds her attractive, but she's a bit long in the tooth for Herman's taste, I suspect. In the event, Ginger White is far MORE attractive.

  13. Ducksworthy

    Sorry for the redundancy but I'm Still hoping to see pix of Herman doing the cock-in-a-box with a Godfathers Pissa. Will it be in the movie?

  14. paris biltong

    I'd be a little careful about encouraging the weeding out of adulterers, who may end up making slightly better presidents, judging by a quick comparison of such philanderers as Kennedy and Clinton to limp-dicks Nixon and the Bushes. In retrospect, it does seem as if the Dems do it more, or at least with more partners.

  15. BornInATrailer

    I'm really hoping the next revelation is The Noid coming forward with details of their torrid affair.

  16. GeorgiaBurning

    First it was "Plan 9-9-9 from Outer Space", now "Herman, Is That You? " Cain is right to want a "reassessment", has he called Bruce Vilanch yet?

  17. Troglodeity

    This is all part of an evil Librul plot. They probably already have the woman who'll claim a 20-year lesbian affair with Michele Bachmann sitting in Gloria Allred's office.

  18. datateday

    999 the Movie couldn't come at a worse time… There'll probably be 5 people in the crowd instead of 11 now.

Comments are closed.