ur monies at work

U.S. Spends $4.3 Million To Force Mexicans To Learn Swimming

He's way ahead of you.Oh, neat: the government found a few million taxpayer dollars just sort of laying around doing nothing and decided, “how about doing more nothing with it?” to keep tradition, so they are blowing it “replacing” the non-existent “existing border ocean fence” that nibbles the surf at Border Field State Park in San Diego. It has long been possible for occasional handfuls of illeghulz using such crafty technology as “walking” to just step around the corroded sets of poles when the tide is low (to mostly likely be immediately arrested), so the grand multi-million dollar plan to stop this from happening is to rebuild the fence three hundred feet out into the water. Surely Mexicans have not yet heard of “swimming” or “jet skis?”

Agence France-Presse reports:

“The project we are working on is to replace the existing fence,” border patrol official Michael Gimenez told AFP, adding that the new structure will be a total of 1,200 feet (365 meters) long, of which 900 feet (274 meters) will be on land. It is due to be completed in March.

Immigrants have been able to come around the end of the old barrier using jet skis and surf boards, but also by walking along the shoreline at low tide to a beach on the US side of the border, he said.

Of course, immigrants trying to get to San Diego this way have somehow in fact gotten wind of how that whole “front crawl” thing works, which is why there are always some awful drowning accidents every year even with the current crappy old fence. So mostly this expensive new fence being driven into the sea floor is to, uh, make sure coastal fish suffer more concussions, we guess? Whatever, they should just electrify it for best results, like Herman Cain told them to. [AFP]

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        1. Maman

          Sorry, was trying to double down on the joke. It is the first time in a week I have been able to try to think and clearly I am rusty

          1. Barb

            This happened to me in another thread today too. (Barney Frank-historian) I think I should go get some rest and come back when I am less edgy.

          2. ShitFilledExistence

            That happens to me a lot.. Instead of replying, "No shit. That was the joke.", as I have wanted to MANY times, I just sigh and roll my eyes. Then I pop a Thorazine*!

            *Humor Disclaimer: I do not currently take, nor was ever prescribed Thorazine.

          3. PalinzADummy

            GodDAMNit! Am I going to have to start worrying that everytime someone mentions doing heart-stopping doses of drugs or whatever that they're just KIDDING?

            Do you even REALIZE how TOUGH this is for those of us that might actually BE on Thorazine?

      1. Flat_Earther

        It depends (no pun intended). If you are using the sponge as a birth control method, then it is possible “sponge diving” could be dirty in a fun sort of way.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Thank you, Barb. I know you don't look at replies so you'll probably never see this, but I'll be thinking of you every single minute of every day till you come back to us. Don't fear. I'll be with you in spirit (along with about 50 Wonketeerz, I reckon). (Hugs Barb fiercely)

            You come back all good and happy now, you hear?

  1. Blueb4sunrise

    Get jet skis in bulk and smuggle them into Mexico disguised as semi-automatic weapons.

  2. Flat_Earther

    There is a lot of fecal matter in that area coming from the sewage dumped into the Pacific. I guess you can wade through the shit there or at the immigration office. It is sort of up to you.

    That reminds me that I need a couple of guys this weekend. Oops. I guess I can’t run for President. Well that and I kind of like getting some unauthorized every now and again. Oh, I did inhale too.

  3. edgydrifter

    If I've learned one thing in life, it's that Jet-Skis are second only to firearms in giving you the absolute right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! GET SOME!! EXTREME!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!

        1. actor212

          Damn! Outted by my own wit! Now I'll have to figure out a new cunning plan, one that involves Kryptonite.

          And alcohol.

  4. SorosBot

    But I thought Mexicans couldn't swim? Oh wait, I'm mixing up my racial stereotypes here; that was black people, sorry.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "Fortunately, Mexicans lack the necessities to learn to swim."

      – Jimmy the Geek or Al Campanis (I forget which one it was who didn't say that)

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yeah, don't you hate it when people can't get their racism correct. Hell, why do you think they are called wetbacks. But, at least someone is trying to keep Hispanics out of San Diego and California in general. Can you imagine what those areas would be like if there was any Hispanic culture there?

  5. KeepFnThatChicken

    4.3 million? What, are they running some Baygard electric horse rope? I don't know the government to do anything on the cheap.

  6. PhilippePetain

    This is what happens when you don't tell your asshole uncle at Thanksgiving dinner that he's a fucking moron.

  7. Generation[redacted]

    I hope it's not a privacy fence, so we can stand on our side and point and laugh, because we have all the jobs they were going to take.

  8. Mahousu

    Considering the population of Mexico, $4.3 million is not a bad price for swimming lessons. Perhaps I should have tried the fence approach when my daughters were learning to swim.

  9. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. I wonder how far into this deal would one have to look to find some politician's nephew or uncle in the construction/fence business? Not very far, I'll wager.

  10. El Pinche

    Hey as long as Obamars is gonna be marxist might as well put the tax money to good use and keep them dang mescans out. *spit* yep.

  11. jus_wonderin

    "…coastal fish suffer more concussions…"

    A little known marine study has proven that a high percentage of coastal fish are, indeed, suffering an increased frequency of concussions. Or, more specifically, MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury). Which to me, sounds oxymoronic. Mild? Traumatic? Which is it??

    As one who cares for all Earth's animal inhabitants from the noble whales to the most miniscule minnow, I say…we need to fund headgear which will lessen man's deleterious impact on the brain health of these fellow mammals and fishes.

    1. DaRooster

      Well, it looks to me like NFL teams get new helmets every week… maybe the Dolphins would donate protection for… well… you know.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Clubbing? Baby Seals? The fact is those little cuties never resemble the photos on their fake IDs. I gave up after the baby seals kept getting carded. It just isn't worth the frustration. And the very sad looks in their eyes as I left them on the other side of the rope line.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    This is definitely going to keep the Hezbollah terrorists who keep trying to pose as Mexicans off balance. Shit, does anyone know if Iran or Syria have swim teams?

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Violent drug wars will make insufferable pricks like us look much more attractive in comparison.

  13. Antispandex

    Look, I grew up near there and I can tell you from experience. You know what happens when you cross the border at the Tijuana / San Diego crossing? Not that much. Oh sure, both sides have this sort of huge flag contest going on, and there is a sort of funky odor that hangs out at all border crossings, everywhere in the world, but that's about it. A new fence won't sex it up any.

    1. Negropolis

      It's funny how few migrants and Mexican immigrants settle in San Diego. I've always gotten the feeling it being the most conservative of California's Big Three urban areas that it's probably the most hostile and uninviting of them all, but you'd think that out of simple convenience, San Diego would have a much larger hispanic influence than it does. I know the city is essentially an oversized military base, a kind of watching post to keep eyes on Mexico and the Pacific, but it still seems to me that the influence would be more.

  14. SaintRond

    I know that fucking fence well because I had a beach apartment fifty yards south of the border. It's in Las Playas next to the Bullring by the Sea, made out of rusty iron that in the water at least is worn down to where it's just these spires of razor sharp rusty metal a few inches under the water and could easily kill a person.

    You used to be able to go around it and people would wait all day on the beach where vendors would sell boiled corn on the cob with hot sauce and coconuts and some very dubious looking clams. Now nobody wants to cross because the US oozes evil and you can literally see it with the all the military choppers with their sensors overhead. Also, you have to cross this two or three mile expanse of wetland and/or beach that's used by the Navy Seals for training before you get to Imperial Beach where people actually live.

    A hundred yards west of the water is the regular fence that families on both sides of the border used to go and have picnics at and touch hands through the metal, but the authorities couldn't tolerate the sight of those sad family reunions so they built another fence to keep them apart and they might be passing drugs.

    A little to the east, about a quarter mile from the water is Smuggler's Gulch, but the gringos made the fence much higher and ruined the view of the wetlands visible from the only health food restaurant in Las Playas.

    Last time I was there, I threw some dog shit over the fence at a border vehicle. This La Migra lady got out of her green and white van and told me she could shoot me if she wanted to because throwing dog shit is considered an assault.

    I hate you all.

    Peace… God bless…

    1. DahBoner

      On the American side, outlet mall.

      Crossing over into TJ, a little plaza, and then a walk over a bridge to get to el centro, avenida revolucion, titty bars, etc.

      I hope you didnt pay more than 50 pesos diario to live there (gasp), becuz I livez in American ghetto and only pays double that…

      1. SaintRond

        I left after 9/11 because I couldn't handle the wait to cross into the US each morning to take my kids to school. And I'd met this Aztec Princess on the Internet in Mexico City and just went all out and moved there instead.

        You know those houses just on the other side of the fence in Las Playas? Those are all drug dealers who like to be able to look across the border because it really pisses of the authorities in the US. But it's been a long time since I went way south. The rent was kind of high because I was paying gringo prices, but it was worth it not to be in the US.

  15. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So, only excellent swimmers will get here, while more of the not-so-good ones will drown. This whole "Darwinian Fence" concept sounds like a great way to improve the gene pool on our side of the border. We only want the strongest, fastest, or richest, right?

    (Besides, we wouldn't want to waste $4.3 million on schoolbooks or anything.)

    1. littlebigdaddy

      That's brilliant. It would be like an old Scooby Doo. The border patrol can get some robotic chupacabras and use them to scare the Messicans away from the border! Cuz everyone knows that if there's one thing Messicans are afraid of, it's la chupacabra!

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Turns out it was a greedy old real estate developer hiding in the haunted amusement park.

  16. Biel_ze_Bubba

    That's $3,583 per fucking foot of fence. Lockheed, Raytheon, or General Dynamics must be the contractor … and that was the low bid.

  17. IncenseDebate

    It's coming to the day, if it isn't already here, when we will be asking how we can get around the fence to Mexico and out of this messed up country.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank God, at least someone is trying to stop all of those Mexican fish and seals from getting into our country!

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    This is going to have absolutely no effect if the Mexican happens to be named Jesus. He'll just walk around it.

  20. DahBoner

    Great! Now in a million years, the earth will be overrun with people good at swimming and digging tunnels…

  21. Rotundo_

    Obviously this requires a measured intelligent approach that will be reasonably priced so as not to be an undue burden on the taxpayers: I'm thinking a half dozen brand spanky new Trident type subs parked a few thousand feet offshore in California and just off the Texas coast firing off conventional cruise missiles from underwater every time someone tries to cross. Think of the jobs it will create and at only twenty million or so per launch (maybe one or two daily?) how economical an approach it will be. The Air Force can deal with Arizona and New Mexico, leave Texas and California for the Navy. Call it "Operation Enduring Money Pit".

  22. GeorgiaBurning

    Mexicans used to dive off 50 foot cliffs to fish quarters out of the water in those old travel movies, what's so hard about swimming 600 feet of smelly water?

  23. Troglodeity

    I'd love to see the engineering calculations and other skilled analysis that went into concluding that 300 feet was the appropriate distance of fence to purchase, install and maintain: not 100, not 200, not 400, not 500 … I'm sure it's all very impressive.

    1. user-of-owls

      I thought the same thing. I imagine they ran field tests finding that at 290 feet, Mexicans universally decide, "Ay carajo, no vale la pena cabron!" and decide to swim to Australia instead.

  24. Guppy

    AFP? The fucking French care more about US border security more than the GOP's Ministry of Information, Fox News?

    Or does that particular part of the border not mater, because California/Left Coast?

  25. Attila_T_Hun

    Will we still be able to buy tacos and ice cream from the vendors on the Mexican side of the beach?

  26. user-of-owls

    Yet another foolhardy scheme to keep the beaners out. Everybody knows it's the Negros what can't swim.

  27. grigoritheocto

    Everyone here should know that, because Mexicans are from Mexico, they are made out of tortillas. Tortillas cannot swim. Problem solved. Jesus people. Get a clue.

    1. tessiee

      "Jesus people. Get a clue."

      I agree that the Jesus people should get a clue, but I'm not sure what that has to do with the no Mexicans fence.

  28. Negropolis

    Kirsten, you're getting your racial stereotypes mixed up. It's The Blacks that can't swim; the Messicans ain't derogatorily called "wetbacks" for nothin'.

  29. Terry

    Has anyone told Congress that the "flood" of illegal folks from Mexico has really tapered off given 1. the economic issues in the US and 2. the fact that they are likely to be shot or worse by drug cartels in northern Mexico right now?

    Actually, they don't care about reality, do they? Their constituents don't even have a passing relationship with reality, so a useless gesture like this fence into the sea will make them happy while wasting money we could be spending elsewhere like in education, infrastructure, or environment.

    Speaking of environment, I bet you a nickle that this stupid fence into the sea ends up killing off the last of an endangered species or something by blocking migratory routes or access to spawning grounds.

  30. tessiee

    This doesn't seem like a very foresighted use of money to me. If we just sit and do nothing for another six months or so, the pricks in government will have finished repealing health care, dismantling Social Security, and generally finishing the sad turning of the US into the corpocracy that they've always wanted — and then nobody will want to come here anyway.

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