ur monies at work

U.S. Spends $4.3 Million To Force Mexicans To Learn Swimming

He's way ahead of you.Oh, neat: the government found a few million taxpayer dollars just sort of laying around doing nothing and decided, “how about doing more nothing with it?” to keep tradition, so they are blowing it “replacing” the non-existent “existing border ocean fence” that nibbles the surf at Border Field State Park in San Diego. It has long been possible for occasional handfuls of illeghulz using such crafty technology as “walking” to just step around the corroded sets of poles when the tide is low (to mostly likely be immediately arrested), so the grand multi-million dollar plan to stop this from happening is to rebuild the fence three hundred feet out into the water. Surely Mexicans have not yet heard of “swimming” or “jet skis?”

Agence France-Presse reports:

“The project we are working on is to replace the existing fence,” border patrol official Michael Gimenez told AFP, adding that the new structure will be a total of 1,200 feet (365 meters) long, of which 900 feet (274 meters) will be on land. It is due to be completed in March.

Immigrants have been able to come around the end of the old barrier using jet skis and surf boards, but also by walking along the shoreline at low tide to a beach on the US side of the border, he said.

Of course, immigrants trying to get to San Diego this way have somehow in fact gotten wind of how that whole “front crawl” thing works, which is why there are always some awful drowning accidents every year even with the current crappy old fence. So mostly this expensive new fence being driven into the sea floor is to, uh, make sure coastal fish suffer more concussions, we guess? Whatever, they should just electrify it for best results, like Herman Cain told them to. [AFP]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Cool, now they can pick the fruit in the cranberry bogs too.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      They drain the bogs… How about sponge diving (which somehow sounds dirty to me)

      • Barb

        I know they drain the bogs, it was an attempt at a joke. Banging my head against the desk.

        • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

          Sorry, was trying to double down on the joke. It is the first time in a week I have been able to try to think and clearly I am rusty

          • Barb

            This happened to me in another thread today too. (Barney Frank-historian) I think I should go get some rest and come back when I am less edgy.

          • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

            Eh. You get used to it.

          • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

            That happens to me a lot.. Instead of replying, "No shit. That was the joke.", as I have wanted to MANY times, I just sigh and roll my eyes. Then I pop a Thorazine*!

            *Humor Disclaimer: I do not currently take, nor was ever prescribed Thorazine.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            GodDAMNit! Am I going to have to start worrying that everytime someone mentions doing heart-stopping doses of drugs or whatever that they're just KIDDING?

            Do you even REALIZE how TOUGH this is for those of us that might actually BE on Thorazine?

          • jus_wonderin

            Barb, a drink (or 4) always helps me.

          • Barb

            Join me, please.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            You've come apart?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I wish you'd tell me if you're doing OK, sweetie.

          • jjdaddyo

            That joke was not "sponge worthy".

      • Flat_Earther

        It depends (no pun intended). If you are using the sponge as a birth control method, then it is possible “sponge diving” could be dirty in a fun sort of way.

    • ttommyunger

      Barb, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, lose the edge.

      • Barb

        Sorry, it's me and not anyone else annoying me. I'm being an idgit.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          You get a pass until 30 days after surgery. After that, it's the usual hair-pulling, arse-biting scrum.

          • Barb

            You just gave me a girl erection, lol.
            I see the surgeon on the 7th.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Thank you, Barb. I know you don't look at replies so you'll probably never see this, but I'll be thinking of you every single minute of every day till you come back to us. Don't fear. I'll be with you in spirit (along with about 50 Wonketeerz, I reckon). (Hugs Barb fiercely)

            You come back all good and happy now, you hear?

          • Barb

            Thanks, you are sweet for caring. I will get Jeff to come and tell you guys that I am okay when it is done.

  • actor212

    Messicans can't swim! Their country is a dessert! Just like Arizona! And they can't afford pools!

    • SayItWithWookies

      They can swim in the flan dunes.

      • actor212

        Or saddle up their churro

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Or, apparently, ride on their hetskis. (Their pronunciation, not mine.)

          • CZL

            That's yet skis, pinche gringo baboso.

    • Ancient_Hacker

      Oh, to have a rubber inner-tube stand on the beach in Tijuana!

    • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

      I'll have some of that Arizona with a double espresso and a shot of Armagnac, thanks.

    • Negropolis

      They sure don't have a problem with the Rio Grande.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Will it be electrified?

    • lochnessmonster

      Electricity and water…great idea!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    STREAM Act

    • HogeyeGrex

      I thought that was the one authorizing them to piss all over the Constitution.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm pretty sure that some idiot Teabagger said in all seriousness "I got it! Messican's don't surf!"

    • PubOption

      Not even those named Carlos?

  • http://www.facebook.com/groups/227406670645311 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    God help us if those Mexicans ever find out about boats.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      If they were Cubans, then boats would be the way to arrive.

      • Biff

        Homemade, of oil drums and a 51 Chebby truck, ese.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Get jet skis in bulk and smuggle them into Mexico disguised as semi-automatic weapons.
    .
    .
    .
    BENEFICIO!!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Should have gone with frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads.

    • memzilla

      Or honey badgers with floaties.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Is the Great Juall of San Diego most effective on Sinko de Mayo?

    (apologies in advance)

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Ouch!

    • mereoblivion

      Apology not accepted (sorry).

    • HuddledMass

      All together now: G-R-R-O-O-A-A-N!!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Admit it: you've been on the receiving end of many a sound beating just *because* of these sorts of comments, haven't you?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I thought no one owned the land between the low tide and the high tide marks?

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      The Moon does.

      • fletc3her

        and the Moon is a god damn socialist.

        • jus_wonderin

          She's a harsh mistress for sure. Just ask Hermie.

    • actor212

      It was packaged in a CDO by Goldman Sachs

  • coolhandnuke

    The fence needs a moat.

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Deportation would consist of a Mexi-pult.

      • HogeyeGrex

        TrebuChe Guevara?

        Yeah. I know.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          ZOMFG.

        • bagofmice

          That was all kinds of un-American. Love it.

    • MzNicky

      Just what I was thinking. And stock it with alligators.

      • LesBontemps

        No–sharks, with frickin' lasers on their heads.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …could just be semantics, but…

      …wouldn't the Pacific kinda be the moat here?

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    I think it's high time that a fence somehow be included in our flag.

    • LowProfileinGA

      Sounds like a winner t-shirt.

  • Flat_Earther

    There is a lot of fecal matter in that area coming from the sewage dumped into the Pacific. I guess you can wade through the shit there or at the immigration office. It is sort of up to you.

    That reminds me that I need a couple of guys this weekend. Oops. I guess I can’t run for President. Well that and I kind of like getting some unauthorized every now and again. Oh, I did inhale too.

  • MildMidwesterner

    We can prevent Mexican swimming by draining the ocean.

    • Tundra Grifter

      More Grover Norquist "shallow lake?"

    • GOPCrusher

      Where would California dump it's garbage?

  • BornInATrailer

    Saltbacks!

  • edgydrifter

    If I've learned one thing in life, it's that Jet-Skis are second only to firearms in giving you the absolute right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! GET SOME!! EXTREME!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's a close tie with ATV's.

  • Schmannnity

    When do the Florida Straits get a fence?

    • actor212

      Straits? In Florida?

      Maybe north of South Beach….

      • Schmannnity

        Is that you, Gov. Walker?

        • actor212

          Damn! Outted by my own wit! Now I'll have to figure out a new cunning plan, one that involves Kryptonite.

          And alcohol.

  • SorosBot

    But I thought Mexicans couldn't swim? Oh wait, I'm mixing up my racial stereotypes here; that was black people, sorry.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Fortunately, Mexicans lack the necessities to learn to swim."

      – Jimmy the Geek or Al Campanis (I forget which one it was who didn't say that)

      • HogeyeGrex

        Somethingsomething just not buoyant something

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yeah, don't you hate it when people can't get their racism correct. Hell, why do you think they are called wetbacks. But, at least someone is trying to keep Hispanics out of San Diego and California in general. Can you imagine what those areas would be like if there was any Hispanic culture there?

      • SorosBot

        Next they'll be letting Latinos into New Mexico; who knows what would happen then.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        From San Diego to San Rafael, there would be NOTHING left standing.

  • SexySmurf

    Tide goes out, tide goes in, Mexicans drown: you can't explain it.

  • Indiepalin

    What's a four letter word for "moat"?

    • LesBontemps

      Moat.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Atom. Like in Bomb.

  • DaRooster

    If they can swim… they're already here. I think this is an attempt to keep us from escaping.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As Colonel Kilgore so eloquently put it, "Carlos don't surf!!!"

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    4.3 million? What, are they running some Baygard electric horse rope? I don't know the government to do anything on the cheap.

  • PhilippePetain

    This is what happens when you don't tell your asshole uncle at Thanksgiving dinner that he's a fucking moron.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I some "keep out" buoys written in Spanish would be cheaper and just as effective.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I hope it's not a privacy fence, so we can stand on our side and point and laugh, because we have all the jobs they were going to take.

  • DaRooster

    How many fish will die with this electrocution ocean fencing?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      not many. it's lots of current, but very few amps.

  • Baconzgood

    This is good news for sharks.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      But the sharks have frickin' lasers! On their frickin' heads, man!

  • Mahousu

    Considering the population of Mexico, $4.3 million is not a bad price for swimming lessons. Perhaps I should have tried the fence approach when my daughters were learning to swim.

  • ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. I wonder how far into this deal would one have to look to find some politician's nephew or uncle in the construction/fence business? Not very far, I'll wager.

    • DaRooster

      Less than 50 yards… offshore.

  • El Pinche

    Hey as long as Obamars is gonna be marxist might as well put the tax money to good use and keep them dang mescans out. *spit* yep.

  • coolhandnuke

    I was unaware that surfing held a Ministry of Silly Walks event..

  • jus_wonderin

    "…coastal fish suffer more concussions…"

    A little known marine study has proven that a high percentage of coastal fish are, indeed, suffering an increased frequency of concussions. Or, more specifically, MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury). Which to me, sounds oxymoronic. Mild? Traumatic? Which is it??

    As one who cares for all Earth's animal inhabitants from the noble whales to the most miniscule minnow, I say…we need to fund headgear which will lessen man's deleterious impact on the brain health of these fellow mammals and fishes.

    • DaRooster

      Well, it looks to me like NFL teams get new helmets every week… maybe the Dolphins would donate protection for… well… you know.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        I don't know. They may share a name, but I don't think they share a skull shape.

    • actor212

      Hey, look at the bright side! At least we can stop clubbing baby seals!

      • jus_wonderin

        Clubbing? Baby Seals? The fact is those little cuties never resemble the photos on their fake IDs. I gave up after the baby seals kept getting carded. It just isn't worth the frustration. And the very sad looks in their eyes as I left them on the other side of the rope line.

  • hagajim

    It must be time for some inappropriate mention of Speedo Gonzalez here, and his cousin Slowpoke.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is definitely going to keep the Hezbollah terrorists who keep trying to pose as Mexicans off balance. Shit, does anyone know if Iran or Syria have swim teams?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Yes. Syria.
      See Zeitoun by David Eggars.

    • DaRooster

      Yes, but it is far easier to be buoyant when swimming in oil.

    • Biff

      As the racist joke sez, all the Mexicans that can run, jump or swim are already in USAmerica.

  • Goonemeritus

    I don’t think this is going reduce the number of Irish flooding into the country.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    The barrier to nowhere!

    • Steverino247

      No, you're thinking of the fence around Oakland…

    • SayItWithWookies

      Bristol's diaphragm?

  • DaRooster

    Are we sure they still wanna come here? I would doubt it…

    • CommieLibunatic

      Violent drug wars will make insufferable pricks like us look much more attractive in comparison.

  • BornInATrailer

    Only the men. It is hard to be a competitive swimmer in a burqini.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      But do you have to be *competitive*? I mean, if everybody *else* is in a burqini, you can take your time and still make the swim team, right?

  • widestanceshakedown

    Maybe they could rent some sand berms from Louisiana?

  • thefrontpage

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Antispandex

    Look, I grew up near there and I can tell you from experience. You know what happens when you cross the border at the Tijuana / San Diego crossing? Not that much. Oh sure, both sides have this sort of huge flag contest going on, and there is a sort of funky odor that hangs out at all border crossings, everywhere in the world, but that's about it. A new fence won't sex it up any.

    • Negropolis

      It's funny how few migrants and Mexican immigrants settle in San Diego. I've always gotten the feeling it being the most conservative of California's Big Three urban areas that it's probably the most hostile and uninviting of them all, but you'd think that out of simple convenience, San Diego would have a much larger hispanic influence than it does. I know the city is essentially an oversized military base, a kind of watching post to keep eyes on Mexico and the Pacific, but it still seems to me that the influence would be more.

  • SaintRond

    I know that fucking fence well because I had a beach apartment fifty yards south of the border. It's in Las Playas next to the Bullring by the Sea, made out of rusty iron that in the water at least is worn down to where it's just these spires of razor sharp rusty metal a few inches under the water and could easily kill a person.

    You used to be able to go around it and people would wait all day on the beach where vendors would sell boiled corn on the cob with hot sauce and coconuts and some very dubious looking clams. Now nobody wants to cross because the US oozes evil and you can literally see it with the all the military choppers with their sensors overhead. Also, you have to cross this two or three mile expanse of wetland and/or beach that's used by the Navy Seals for training before you get to Imperial Beach where people actually live.

    A hundred yards west of the water is the regular fence that families on both sides of the border used to go and have picnics at and touch hands through the metal, but the authorities couldn't tolerate the sight of those sad family reunions so they built another fence to keep them apart and they might be passing drugs.

    A little to the east, about a quarter mile from the water is Smuggler's Gulch, but the gringos made the fence much higher and ruined the view of the wetlands visible from the only health food restaurant in Las Playas.

    Last time I was there, I threw some dog shit over the fence at a border vehicle. This La Migra lady got out of her green and white van and told me she could shoot me if she wanted to because throwing dog shit is considered an assault.

    I hate you all.

    Peace… God bless…

    • DahBoner

      On the American side, outlet mall.

      Crossing over into TJ, a little plaza, and then a walk over a bridge to get to el centro, avenida revolucion, titty bars, etc.

      I hope you didnt pay more than 50 pesos diario to live there (gasp), becuz I livez in American ghetto and only pays double that…

      • SaintRond

        I left after 9/11 because I couldn't handle the wait to cross into the US each morning to take my kids to school. And I'd met this Aztec Princess on the Internet in Mexico City and just went all out and moved there instead.

        You know those houses just on the other side of the fence in Las Playas? Those are all drug dealers who like to be able to look across the border because it really pisses of the authorities in the US. But it's been a long time since I went way south. The rent was kind of high because I was paying gringo prices, but it was worth it not to be in the US.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Not to rush things, but how much longer until we get Arizona Bay?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So, only excellent swimmers will get here, while more of the not-so-good ones will drown. This whole "Darwinian Fence" concept sounds like a great way to improve the gene pool on our side of the border. We only want the strongest, fastest, or richest, right?

    (Besides, we wouldn't want to waste $4.3 million on schoolbooks or anything.)

    • actor212

      Plus, we won't have to drain the swimming pools to let them clean them.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        What, they're growing gills already?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Needz moar laser-eyed sharks. Or just a sign warning about chucababras?

    • littlebigdaddy

      That's brilliant. It would be like an old Scooby Doo. The border patrol can get some robotic chupacabras and use them to scare the Messicans away from the border! Cuz everyone knows that if there's one thing Messicans are afraid of, it's la chupacabra!

      • Generation[redacted]

        Turns out it was a greedy old real estate developer hiding in the haunted amusement park.

    • Generation[redacted]

      scubacabras?

  • chascates

    Is it going to be electrified?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    What a brilliant idea–put a fence in the fucking ocean.

    • paris biltong

      They should then take a right turn and extend it all the way to Vancouver. Keep the gooks out.

  • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

    Mexicans can swim. Wrong ethnic stereotype.

    • DahBoner

      With all the frijoles, it's turbo…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    That's $3,583 per fucking foot of fence. Lockheed, Raytheon, or General Dynamics must be the contractor … and that was the low bid.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And the contracting agency must have been the Army Corps of Engineers.

      • DahBoner

        You should have seen the HIGH bid.

        //whistles…

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      It's got liquid cooling. Stuff ain't cheap no mo'!

  • stopthemovie

    Slow Speed !!!! NO WETBACKS!!!!!

  • IncenseDebate

    It's coming to the day, if it isn't already here, when we will be asking how we can get around the fence to Mexico and out of this messed up country.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Just put a giant dome over the whole country and be done with it.

    • Suck My Balls

      Should we go with a Thunderdome or a Bio-Dome?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank God, at least someone is trying to stop all of those Mexican fish and seals from getting into our country!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is going to have absolutely no effect if the Mexican happens to be named Jesus. He'll just walk around it.

  • DahBoner

    Great! Now in a million years, the earth will be overrun with people good at swimming and digging tunnels…

  • Rotundo_

    Obviously this requires a measured intelligent approach that will be reasonably priced so as not to be an undue burden on the taxpayers: I'm thinking a half dozen brand spanky new Trident type subs parked a few thousand feet offshore in California and just off the Texas coast firing off conventional cruise missiles from underwater every time someone tries to cross. Think of the jobs it will create and at only twenty million or so per launch (maybe one or two daily?) how economical an approach it will be. The Air Force can deal with Arizona and New Mexico, leave Texas and California for the Navy. Call it "Operation Enduring Money Pit".

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Mexicans used to dive off 50 foot cliffs to fish quarters out of the water in those old travel movies, what's so hard about swimming 600 feet of smelly water?

  • Troglodeity

    I'd love to see the engineering calculations and other skilled analysis that went into concluding that 300 feet was the appropriate distance of fence to purchase, install and maintain: not 100, not 200, not 400, not 500 … I'm sure it's all very impressive.

    • user-of-owls

      I thought the same thing. I imagine they ran field tests finding that at 290 feet, Mexicans universally decide, "Ay carajo, no vale la pena cabron!" and decide to swim to Australia instead.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Always the length, never the girth.

      • bagofmice

        So says the nom sans lasers.

  • Guppy

    AFP? The fucking French care more about US border security more than the GOP's Ministry of Information, Fox News?

    Or does that particular part of the border not mater, because California/Left Coast?

  • Attila_T_Hun

    Will we still be able to buy tacos and ice cream from the vendors on the Mexican side of the beach?

  • user-of-owls

    Yet another foolhardy scheme to keep the beaners out. Everybody knows it's the Negros what can't swim.

  • grigoritheocto

    Everyone here should know that, because Mexicans are from Mexico, they are made out of tortillas. Tortillas cannot swim. Problem solved. Jesus people. Get a clue.

    • tessiee

      "Jesus people. Get a clue."

      I agree that the Jesus people should get a clue, but I'm not sure what that has to do with the no Mexicans fence.

  • Negropolis

    Kirsten, you're getting your racial stereotypes mixed up. It's The Blacks that can't swim; the Messicans ain't derogatorily called "wetbacks" for nothin'.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    A Mexican surfer would have a much bigger tummy, so it's clearly a fake.

  • Terry

    Has anyone told Congress that the "flood" of illegal folks from Mexico has really tapered off given 1. the economic issues in the US and 2. the fact that they are likely to be shot or worse by drug cartels in northern Mexico right now?

    Actually, they don't care about reality, do they? Their constituents don't even have a passing relationship with reality, so a useless gesture like this fence into the sea will make them happy while wasting money we could be spending elsewhere like in education, infrastructure, or environment.

    Speaking of environment, I bet you a nickle that this stupid fence into the sea ends up killing off the last of an endangered species or something by blocking migratory routes or access to spawning grounds.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Not only that, the fence does nothing to stop the tunnelling drug gangs, like the dreaded Blancanieves y Los Siete Enanitos. Until we sign the Mole Man Accord to stop the tunnelling scource, the fence is useless.

  • tessiee

    This doesn't seem like a very foresighted use of money to me. If we just sit and do nothing for another six months or so, the pricks in government will have finished repealing health care, dismantling Social Security, and generally finishing the sad turning of the US into the corpocracy that they've always wanted — and then nobody will want to come here anyway.