Briefly popular ignoramus Herman Cain was already sinking in the GOP primary polls like every other random dingbat the party has puked up for consideration during this long, long 2012 campaign season. But the latest scandal, that he carried on a 13-year-long affair with a lady who was not his wife, seems to be enough to finish him off. In the “next several days,” Cain will decide whether he wants to go back to being a simple millionaire riding around in limos with all his ladies, promoting his books.
The Herman Cain campaign is “reassessing” its strategy in the wake of a woman’s claim that she and Cain had engaged in a 13-year extramarital relationship, a senior staffer to the campaign told CBS News. The staffer made the statement following reports that Cain told supporters Tuesday morning that he is reassessing whether to remain in the Republican presidential race.
On a conference call, Cain told his senior staff that he would make a decision on staying in the race “over the next several days.”
Now let’s all hold our breath for the Republican primary voters to also force Newt Gingrich out of the race, for his two decades of philandering and multiple divorces and gross affairs with literally every woman he could convince to hump on his toadlike physique (two women, total). Certainly the GOP wouldn’t hold a black candidate to a different standard, right? [CBS News]
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When does Gloria Cain hire Gloria Allred?
I hope she already has.
Glorias in excess, today-oh!
Adeste infidelis?
Oh, well played.! Well played, sir!
:::Polite golf clap:::
I think you've got to slow down
Before you start to blow it
I think you're headin' for a breakdown
So be careful not to show it
You really don't remember
Was it somethin' that he said?
All that stuff twistin' around in your head
Calling Gloria…
Can a man drop out of the race if he was never actually running for president?
He was more like a pace car anyhow.
Spermin' Cain is really trying to sell us on his 69-9-9 plan, isn't he? He's certainly "reaching out to Americans" as long as the Americans are chesty white women.
Chesty white women are people too, my friend.
You are correct, Parton me, please.
Thanks for making food come out of my nose with this one, Barb!
As a chesty white woman myself, let me just say that I wouldn't let Herman Cain within spitting distance.
There is a joke in there, just waiting to erupt. I can't seem to form a solid funny from it though.
As a chesty white man (that damn gravity!) may I say that I would happily spit on Spermin' Herman for you.
"Spermin' Cain" FTW.
Lex Steel and Lisa Ann will be filming shortly.
Dammit! I had Christmas in the office pool! Someone convince him to stay. Give him a blow job or something!
Maybe the Cain Train should have skipped a few stations.
All politics is local…
Well, the Cain elevator certainly doesn't make it to the upper floors. Is that the same thing?
As a female can I just say….ew.
Oh, just admit it, when you first heard him singing his pizza-fied version of John Lennon's "Imagine," you got soooo wet.
From the vomit.
So, do you go after homeless guys with no money, or do you prefer guys with "some" money?
The rest of this conversation is just about how much "some" is…
Dick goes in alot of women, political careers dives. You can't explain it.
This is an issue of hypocrisy, not mere sexual encounters. Cain's motto always was: "Stuff the crust with cheese, not semen!"
You can't explain it.
Nope. You just shrug, shake your head and mutter, "I does not know…"
I can't even explain the part where a lot of women let his dick go in them.
Never a premature ejaculation.
Oh, so you can run for president if you sexually harass/assault a bunch of women, but not if you've had consensual sex with someone who isn't your wife? Good to know what your priorities are, America.
IOKIYAR
It's probably more that it was one pepperoni over the line for the insipid GOP voters. The same thing would probably be going on if the new revelation was that he assaulted her like the others, instead of it being an affair.
Also, he's a black guy, so, you know.
Or if you've emailed pix of your dix. (Democrats only, offer void where prohibited.)
You see, gentlemen, a pimp's love is very different than a square's It is 9 9 9 times better
They have now changed Herman Cain's theme song from Rock You Like a Hurricane to Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe by Barry White.
Great going Hermie. Maybe you should have packed it in before this latest information broke … maybe you could have spared your family a little bit.
Douche.
Apparently ol' Hermie likes his pizza with extra squeeze. Actually – what happened to "We're gonna address these charges one at a time as they come up" – Bitch prolly has a few pix of Hermie offering up his sausage.
No blue dress. No crime.
If they had a 13 year affair, there is certainly some undeniable evidence — pictures, videos, emails, text messages, letters, cards, voice mails, gifts, receipts, Cain's DNA in her panties. The Cain Train got derailed.
You know it hard out here for a pimp
When he tryin to get this money for the rent
For the cadillac and gas money spent
Will cause whole lot of bitches jumping ship
Or "train" in Herman's case, and they're jumping on, not off.
He's dropping out of the race because he let the baton slip a few times.
I have to admit, in an era where staying married for 13 years would be seen as a proud accomplishment, having a 13 year affair is pretty amazing.
It's a veritable Hepburn/Tracy movie.
Well. He was trying to help her out financially. Until he stopped.
That poor thing must have very, very low self esteem.
According to recent research, women are interested in tall, wealthy men.
And Herb don't look very tall to me…
Unfortunately, Hermie has very, very high self esteem.
How long do people think we'll have between Cain dropping out of the race and the announcement he has signed up for a spot at Fox "News", the job he's actually been running for anyway?
He'll be an "analyst" by Spring. If he knows what's good for him (besides constant in and out), he'll announce on Fox to ingratiate with Roger Ailes and avoid Lou Sarah's Fox Pas.
he never managed to be an anal-ist with any of his ladies, but Herman's hoping that one day he'll get to deliver a 12" hot'n'spicy to the back door…
4½ inches tops, I suspect.
No doubt it's headed that way. But as good a job as that is it's still got to be hard to give up the "run-a-political-campaign-so-you-can-raise-money-and-use-it-to-buy-copies-of-your-own-crappy-book" scam. I mean that is like printing cash, right?
As Cain showed, the big risk is that somehow, despite not trying, you might accidentally find yourself the front runner, at which point people will start digging into your past.
The question is, why didn't he expect that from the beginning? arrogance? stupidity? I just don't get it.
C'MON, nobody had the slightest inkling that Hermie would be anything other than comic relief.
"why didn't he expect that from the beginning?"
My guess would be both arrogance and stupidity. Just look at the picture of Hermie at the top of the article (if you can stand it) and tell me he's not thinking: "I see no way that this could possibly backfire" (or a greatly simplified version of that thought, anyway).
That's one possibility. If the details about the latest – er, hobby – are too lurid, Fox will flip and start to identify him as Herman Cain, D-Pizza.
So what change in "strategy" is he thinking about? The strategy where all the women he's harassed and/or banged stop talking from now on?
Hermes! Your 15 minutes is up! Face it, dude.
So he didn't harass this one, he just fucked her for 13 years. Herman needs to turn in his Player Card now.
Of course, just because they carried on a 13 year affair doesn't mean he didn't harass her first. Maybe she thought it was charming.
"He was so tender as he gently pushed my head into his crotch."
NO!!! Who will provide me with endless amusement now?!?
Oh wait, there's still Shelly, Gingrinch, the gay cowboy, the frothy mix, Mittens, and that other guy. OK then…
You know who's to blame for this? The Liberals.
I thought it was The Media.
Or loving your country too much. (I love my country, but I've never gotten any sexytime for it.)
Liberals…..media…..no diff.
And the media.
Yeah. Come on guys. We can lay off the high-tech lynching now. It looks like with our constant character assassination, we've managed to prevent the outcome we so desperately feared: Herman Cain – a better black than we have – as the Republican nominee. And furthermore….pfft…hhgh…And furthermore….
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……
Sorry, I can't say this with a straight face. I'll be expecting a notice of infraction from the Snarkestry Guild by noon tomorrow.
HAHAHA…
(Pssst: Herman – really, don't quit! That would be letting them win.
I really wanted him to stay in it as long as possible.
1) Damn brother is funny.
2) Makes the other black guy look EVEN smarter.
3) Siphons off mojo from all the other GOPturds running.
4) When he lost it would make all the populist loving dipshits go back in their holes and likely not pay attention to politics again.
5) Heads exploding all over SC, AL, MS, NC, GA, etc… at having to vote for one black man or another. I mean if he doesn't have a football in his hand, what the hell use do crackers have with Herm? If he was Michael Vick, those assholes would vote for him just to piss off people who care about animals. (I don't watch sports, so if Vick's return is a non-event obviously only moreso for me).
Chalk up another score for the Democrat machine!
He's a quitter just like that the Alaska Double Stuf Ice Princess.
Man up, fuck an intern or something, and stay in that race, you echoer of nines!
Prepare for the upcoming tweet-HERB CAIN, DON'T RETREAT, RELOAD!
Re-publican.
Re-gurgitate.
Re-elect.
Apparently no one informed Herman that when prospecting the, uh, "lay" of the land, should one's record of folly come bubbling to the surface, that incontrovertible truth abides: There will be
bloodmud.Hermie, we hardly blew ye!
Once Herman Fucky-Fucky-Cain-Stain has summoned enough humility to throw in the towel, The Salamander will follow his example, set his gigantic ego aside as well, and similarly withdraw from the race. Right?
Let's just say, after the "Fucky-Fucky-Cain-Stain", I won't be picking up that towel……
Hoist by his own
penispetard!9- spoken length of his pecker
9- seconds to explode (+1 over rodeo standard)
9- on a scale of 1-10 how much he likes white women
So after the previous bimbo eruptions, the staff must have sat down with Mr. Cain and asked The Question: " Herman – is there anything else out there we should know about? ANYTHING?"
Of course, like an employee caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Mr. Cain said "Oh, no – that's it. Promise."
Now those same staffers learn he had his fingers crossed.
They can't erase "Cain Campaign: 2011" from their resumes. But they can abandon this car wreck before another motorist plows into the ruin and there is blood on the highway.
The Koch brothers are the only (other) staff Hermie needs.
Dear Herman – you bang them once maybe twice but 13 years, thats like having another fucking wife.
What a tool.
He's tossing his pimp hat out of the ring.
Speaking of tossing, he'll also be masturbating the rest of his life.
And we were singin':
Bye, bye Mr. Pepperoni pie.
Took the Cain Train to the Great Plains
but got taxed with a "9".
And the poor old girls
who were blond and all fine
Were singin'
"I don't want that job, you dumb guy…"
How long will it be before Rick Perry "reassesses" his campaign, and why? ("Today, a waiter at an upscale Austin, Texas, bistro accused Gov. Perry of . . .")
Pissing into the salad bar.
Don't back down, Herm! Film another web commercial, this time with you smoking the cigarette. Just look into the camera and say, "yeah, so?" Then blow smoke into the lens. I always figured Bill Clinton's off camera attitude during his "troubles" was a rakish "who isn't gettin' some strange?" to all those decrepit fucks in the congress.
Just own it Herm, then run on it.
Would make for an awkward moment in the Republiklan Debates when Herb says "Yeah, but at least I was banging women!"
And of age, to boot.
He would totally take a lie detector test…if he felt like it.
Were it not for the inconvenient fact that Barry White is dead, he would have been perfect to play the Singing Herminator in the upcoming Oxygen network biopic, "You're the First, the Last, My Everything: The Life of Herman Cain."
Likewise, Chef.
Samuel L. Jackson is alive and well, last I heard.
You know how they are, they are over-sexed, they just can't control themselves around the white women.
But they have rhythm!
Afraid of dogs, and can't swim, heavy bones.
you mean to say that Newt Gingrich is ….?
Do you blame them? I mean, come on, chiffarobes.
Herm, I hope your book sales drop as fast as your wife is about to drop you.
On your way down into the pile of obscure, useless shitbags, would you please grab Rick Perry and take him with you? The two of you are nothing more than pandering douchebags.
Adios you babbling goat fuckers. Pick up a job application for Political Strategist at Faux while the door hits you in the ass on the way out.
And maybe the salamander can get a job right after he takes a bath.
Though, to be fair, the entire Republican field is chock full of pandering douchebags. On this point, they are "one".
Yeah. Like the Republicans were going to nominate him. Who gives a F**k?! What a waste of time listening to anything he said or did!
The Right will counter that the Kennedys never got this attention because of their relationship with the media. And that a black conservative is targeted by all the liberalz.
Yeah, but you know that Cain was thinking to himself all along "I ain't got nothing in my past worse than Bill Clinton, and he got elected."
ie. John Edwards.
Well, joke of the election season Herman Cain is out. Now, we'll have to fall back on the tried and true Plan B: good ol' Ron Paul, who was a itchin' to get us back to our pre-Civil War era roots and Wonkette was pretty lenient for a little too long on this frightening reconstitute prospect.
What is it with the Paultards hating on Abraham Lincoln? I'm reading some of the book reviews and comments over at Amazon and they just can't stand Old Abe.
Well, I can't stand Abraham Lincoln, either, and I'm no Paultard. He really did start up the Civil War when the right thing to do was out-perform the Southern economy and once the South updates their economy with modern industrialization, renegotiate unionization talks and return the nation back to one body. This may have taken longer than a traditional presidential term, but it would have been A LOT less damaging and tyrannical.
Poor Hermie.
Bitchez keep settin' him up.
~
I wouldn't think so many would be so proud/willing to admit they did the nasty with such a stupid, venal man. You'd think some would have the class to get an AIDS test, wash the coochie and move on with the life.
Newt just Caim.
If America wanted a Breeder not a Reader, the affair would be good news for him.
I guess Gloria Cain can't call Herman "her man" any more.
If Repubicans now think private sexual matters are off limits during the campaign, we'll be limited to talking about Newt's lobbying, flip-flops, weight, suspicious financial dealings, religious conversion, peculiar policy ideas, and sweetheart deals. Also, his weight.
And he's fat, too.
He sure is dying the death of a thousand sluts.
What a way to go.
What a shame. Was really looking forward to a Cain-Berlusconi-Sarkozy summit meeting in Amsterdam.
So, Cain was abel, now he ain't….
Now he's Enoch.
But enoch about cain…
I am also "reassessing" my runs for Miss Mexico, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Primate of the Greek Orthodox Church. Mostly because I don't, and never have, had a fucking chance of winning those things.
Wait–the Greeks hire primates?
Reassessing has a rich history, going back to cynical opportunist Bobby Kennedy "reassessing" his decision not to run for prez in 1968 after anti-war Demo candidate McCarthy almost won the New Hampshire primary over LBJ.
Hard to believe it now but everybody was pretty mad at him about that.
Please buy my new autobiography: "My Road to the Vatican"
Nail. On. The. Head.
I was going for "Queen of the Fucking Universe" but the spiky headress gave me a headache. Besides, as long as the dogs and my husband think I am then we are content.
If you're not a primate, I have to wonder why, and just how, you're reading Wonkette.
Its racism is what it is; whats the matter, can't a n***** get a table dance?
Can't even get a-near.
He probably put her out in Denver because she wouldn't suck his dick.
Funny how Cain's lawyer was issuing carefully crafted statements full of righteous anger about snooping into the affairs of consenting adults, almost at the same moment when Hermie was on Wolfie issuing flat-out denials.
Herm's really screwed this up, as his Koch-assigned mission (to terminate Romney) wasn't complete. Santorum and Bachmann aren't really up to the task.
Time for a squadron of blimps?
That was Marion Barry and you know it.
Glory days of teh Wonket comments…
http://wonkette.com/409728/marion-barrys-life-con…
So, it's safe to assume that Herb Cain's lawyer is not Ken Starr?
Ha ha! Not nearly that creepy!
Well I don't know why I don't know why
Can't get enough of your love babe.
"I love the sexy slither of a lady snake."
I can't wait for Newt to publicly feign horror at Herman's fidelity problem.
But won't Newtie be embarrassed when he's walking out of the press conference and a croupier hands him a woman: "Your bimbo, sir."
What does it say about today's America that a politician cannot run for office just because he has too much love to give.
This is all Obama's fault.
I don't believe any of this. . .Cain had a conference call with his staff?
Seems as if the Cain train spent too much time in the tunnel.
Announcement: I am changing my name to "Marx Marvelous." This is an internal name-change only, I will know that is my name, and I will be thinking of this name, when I think of my name, but I will not outwardly use this name in business, correspondence, or discourse. Carry on.
So, nose candy is ok anytime of the day?…
"Announcement: I am changing my name to "Marx Marvelous." "
Was "Max Power" already taken?
That picture needs moar Starsky and Hutch.
In a group hug with Huggy Bear.
Starting to look like he's got 99 problems, and bitches be ALL of them.
So, I will NOT get to see Hermie debate the President? Well, that just killed the whole election for me…unless. What about the crazy Ms. Bachmann? Come on G.O.P'ers, you can still save the entertainment value here!
Orly Taintz for Emperor!!!!…
Cock blocked from the nom by his own cock.
Please refrain from ever again using "nom" in a sentence about Hermie's cock. Thank you.
This is doing his speaking fees no good, so I guess he'll stop pretending to run.
Why buy the pizza when you can get the sausage for free.
Hey Herman, your family called. They want to spend more time with you!
Somehow I think they need help moving…
Are women nothing but interchangeable toppings to this selfish whore monger?
It's no longer about you, Mr. Cain. Think of the comedy writers whose lives might get a lot harder without you.
Can't figure out why this isn't good news for Santorum. He's hetero–so's his wife; he's got a family of sniveling, entitled children; he's got the powerful fetal lobby in his corner, and yet he just can't seem to generate much interest out there in the hinterland. Must be because of Dan Savage. Thanks, Dan.
My biggest concern is that, like Caribou Barbie, the Godfather of Pizza will hang around after he withdraws, becoming a paid 'expert' on Faux News.
We can look forward to him being interviewed in front of a turkey beheading machine, next Thanksgiving?
Keep fuckin' that turkey, Herm
I'm still hoping for pix of Herman doing the cock in a box with a Godfather's Pizza.
Does anyone really want to see Herman Cain drop out before he and Gingrich can through a Players Haters ball?
That (wannabe) pimp hat don't lie.
Where alla whit wimmins at? Hermie got them all, that's where they at!
Is this Obama's Katrina?
Mr. Cain is a walking talking STD.
Yet on second thought lets give him some credit. He was hosing actual human being type people, not the usual rotting goat carcasses the rest of the GOP prefers.
Who knew that when Herman was talking about the "Cain Train" he wasn't speaking metaphorically.
That human cum bubble absolutely should drop out of the race, preferably before Herman.
Herman also announced today that he does not know his wife, never saw her before, and doesn't understand why the liberal media is making such a big deal of her whopping him up side the head with a frying pan.
You have to give credit to those shape shifting aliens from the starz. They travelled back in time to plant Obama's birth certificate AND they did the 13 year way back to set up Caine.
Simply amazing, got to hand it to them, they are gooooooooooood!
Vetting? We don't need no stinking vetting!
Herman, we barely knew ye.
No We Cain.
Next.
After this book tour is over, he can play Chef on South Park again.
I've seen pictures of Hermie's wife. Fuck Hermie, somehow all this just makes me feel sorry for her. I know deep inside she knows he is a worthless asshole, but she looks like she still possesses a sense of shame, unlike her dickwad husband.
I agree – I feel really sad that she was drawn through all this by her vain cheating scumbag of a husband.
As a woman, I don't have a shred of sympathy for her. If she has two brain cells in her head she has known about him all along and a) Doesn't give a crap, or b) Is glad to have nice things and doesn't have to fuck Herman Cain to get them.
I also hold this view in part, but for a man to give it voice would incur the wrath of certain vagina-possessing types of people.
i agree Mojopo, i thinK A&B apply
I also think the divorce settlement might have ripened nicely over the last few months of money bombing. I hope old Ginger gets a few bucks out of this too. Thirteen years is a long time to put up with his wife and all the random women he met who needed a job or stood within arms reach. I don't care who he screwed or whether he lied I just don't want any 999 shit on this country.
How is David Block ever going to decide among all those job offers from the remaining candidates?
So… he can't keep it up anymore?
HE'S GOING TO PULL OUT…NOW???
No, he's not finnished …yet.
"Ginger" and "winger" do not rhyme. Isn't there something rather suspicious about that?
I'd hit it. If I wasn't married. And if I didn't know she'd willingly choose to ride Herman Cain for over a decade.
Seems racist as hell that Cain has to worry about screwing women who weren't his wife and Gingrich doesn't
"Fuck Herman Cain!"
"No, you!"
"I all ready did, it's your turn!"
"You better fuck Herman Cain right this instant or else! I told you I am done!"
"Somebody is going to fuck this guy, and it ain't gonna be me."
– A selection of women who no longer get free toppings
He always said "acqusation" too. That bothered me almost as much as the accusations.
Difference between Cain and Gingrich, Cain is a dandy…just look at that hat!
Is "reassessing his strategy" like when Bank of America says, of a complaint, that they're "taking it seriously"?
The people have spoken, Mr. Cain:
"Nein.
"Nein.
"Nein."
My thought is that he got into the Godfather's Pizza gig because he watched too much bad 70s porn.
I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could!
Well, we know he's not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.
And yet Gingrich fucked and wed his High School math teacher. That's how we know he's smart.
The Santorum Surge is now underway. Just Google "Santorum Surge" and you'll see what I mean. He's off to a "frothy start", whatever that means.
If Herman is elected president, will we have a First AND Second Lady?
Maybe him and Marcus Bachmann get together for long in-depth discussions on how to defeat the Gay Agenda?
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