godfather of love

Herman Cain About To Quit Because of Practicing His Love Too Much

'I'll catch you ladies in a few days.'Briefly popular ignoramus Herman Cain was already sinking in the GOP primary polls like every other random dingbat the party has puked up for consideration during this long, long 2012 campaign season. But the latest scandal, that he carried on a 13-year-long affair with a lady who was not his wife, seems to be enough to finish him off. In the “next several days,” Cain will decide whether he wants to go back to being a simple millionaire riding around in limos with all his ladies, promoting his books.

CBS News reports:

The Herman Cain campaign is “reassessing” its strategy in the wake of a woman’s claim that she and Cain had engaged in a 13-year extramarital relationship, a senior staffer to the campaign told CBS News. The staffer made the statement following reports that Cain told supporters Tuesday morning that he is reassessing whether to remain in the Republican presidential race.

On a conference call, Cain told his senior staff that he would make a decision on staying in the race “over the next several days.”

Now let’s all hold our breath for the Republican primary voters to also force Newt Gingrich out of the race, for his two decades of philandering and multiple divorces and gross affairs with literally every woman he could convince to hump on his toadlike physique (two women, total). Certainly the GOP wouldn’t hold a black candidate to a different standard, right? [CBS News]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. OneYieldRegular

      I think you've got to slow down
      Before you start to blow it
      I think you're headin' for a breakdown
      So be careful not to show it
      You really don't remember
      Was it somethin' that he said?
      All that stuff twistin' around in your head
      Calling Gloria…

  1. Barb

    Spermin' Cain is really trying to sell us on his 69-9-9 plan, isn't he? He's certainly "reaching out to Americans" as long as the Americans are chesty white women.

      1. MozakiBlocks

        As a chesty white woman myself, let me just say that I wouldn't let Herman Cain within spitting distance.

        1. jus_wonderin

          There is a joke in there, just waiting to erupt. I can't seem to form a solid funny from it though.

        2. Swampgas_Man

          As a chesty white man (that damn gravity!) may I say that I would happily spit on Spermin' Herman for you.

  2. actor212

    Dammit! I had Christmas in the office pool! Someone convince him to stay. Give him a blow job or something!

    1. prommie

      Oh, just admit it, when you first heard him singing his pizza-fied version of John Lennon's "Imagine," you got soooo wet.

        1. DahBoner

          So, do you go after homeless guys with no money, or do you prefer guys with "some" money?

          The rest of this conversation is just about how much "some" is…

    1. datateday

      This is an issue of hypocrisy, not mere sexual encounters. Cain's motto always was: "Stuff the crust with cheese, not semen!"

  3. KathrynSane

    Oh, so you can run for president if you sexually harass/assault a bunch of women, but not if you've had consensual sex with someone who isn't your wife? Good to know what your priorities are, America.

    1. GhostBuggy

      It's probably more that it was one pepperoni over the line for the insipid GOP voters. The same thing would probably be going on if the new revelation was that he assaulted her like the others, instead of it being an affair.

      Also, he's a black guy, so, you know.

  4. HistoriCat

    Great going Hermie. Maybe you should have packed it in before this latest information broke … maybe you could have spared your family a little bit.


  5. hagajim

    Apparently ol' Hermie likes his pizza with extra squeeze. Actually – what happened to "We're gonna address these charges one at a time as they come up" – Bitch prolly has a few pix of Hermie offering up his sausage.

    1. Eve8Apples

      If they had a 13 year affair, there is certainly some undeniable evidence — pictures, videos, emails, text messages, letters, cards, voice mails, gifts, receipts, Cain's DNA in her panties. The Cain Train got derailed.

  6. L188188

    You know it hard out here for a pimp
    When he tryin to get this money for the rent
    For the cadillac and gas money spent
    Will cause whole lot of bitches jumping ship

    Or "train" in Herman's case, and they're jumping on, not off.

  7. Pookums

    I have to admit, in an era where staying married for 13 years would be seen as a proud accomplishment, having a 13 year affair is pretty amazing.

      1. DahBoner

        According to recent research, women are interested in tall, wealthy men.

        And Herb don't look very tall to me…

  8. SorosBot

    How long do people think we'll have between Cain dropping out of the race and the announcement he has signed up for a spot at Fox "News", the job he's actually been running for anyway?

    1. SenileAgitation

      He'll be an "analyst" by Spring. If he knows what's good for him (besides constant in and out), he'll announce on Fox to ingratiate with Roger Ailes and avoid Lou Sarah's Fox Pas.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        he never managed to be an anal-ist with any of his ladies, but Herman's hoping that one day he'll get to deliver a 12" hot'n'spicy to the back door…

    2. Ruhe

      No doubt it's headed that way. But as good a job as that is it's still got to be hard to give up the "run-a-political-campaign-so-you-can-raise-money-and-use-it-to-buy-copies-of-your-own-crappy-book" scam. I mean that is like printing cash, right?

      1. SorosBot

        As Cain showed, the big risk is that somehow, despite not trying, you might accidentally find yourself the front runner, at which point people will start digging into your past.

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            C'MON, nobody had the slightest inkling that Hermie would be anything other than comic relief.

          2. tessiee

            "why didn't he expect that from the beginning?"

            My guess would be both arrogance and stupidity. Just look at the picture of Hermie at the top of the article (if you can stand it) and tell me he's not thinking: "I see no way that this could possibly backfire" (or a greatly simplified version of that thought, anyway).

    3. FlownOver

      That's one possibility. If the details about the latest – er, hobby – are too lurid, Fox will flip and start to identify him as Herman Cain, D-Pizza.

  9. neiltheblaze

    So what change in "strategy" is he thinking about? The strategy where all the women he's harassed and/or banged stop talking from now on?

    Hermes! Your 15 minutes is up! Face it, dude.

  10. LabRodent

    So he didn't harass this one, he just fucked her for 13 years. Herman needs to turn in his Player Card now.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Of course, just because they carried on a 13 year affair doesn't mean he didn't harass her first. Maybe she thought it was charming.

  11. Callyson

    NO!!! Who will provide me with endless amusement now?!?
    Oh wait, there's still Shelly, Gingrinch, the gay cowboy, the frothy mix, Mittens, and that other guy. OK then…

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yeah. Come on guys. We can lay off the high-tech lynching now. It looks like with our constant character assassination, we've managed to prevent the outcome we so desperately feared: Herman Cain – a better black than we have – as the Republican nominee. And furthermore….pfft…hhgh…And furthermore….


      Sorry, I can't say this with a straight face. I'll be expecting a notice of infraction from the Snarkestry Guild by noon tomorrow.


      (Pssst: Herman – really, don't quit! That would be letting them win.

      1. WunkRocker

        I really wanted him to stay in it as long as possible.
        1) Damn brother is funny.
        2) Makes the other black guy look EVEN smarter.
        3) Siphons off mojo from all the other GOPturds running.
        4) When he lost it would make all the populist loving dipshits go back in their holes and likely not pay attention to politics again.
        5) Heads exploding all over SC, AL, MS, NC, GA, etc… at having to vote for one black man or another. I mean if he doesn't have a football in his hand, what the hell use do crackers have with Herm? If he was Michael Vick, those assholes would vote for him just to piss off people who care about animals. (I don't watch sports, so if Vick's return is a non-event obviously only moreso for me).

  12. KeepFnThatChicken

    He's a quitter just like that the Alaska Double Stuf Ice Princess.

    Man up, fuck an intern or something, and stay in that race, you echoer of nines!

  13. Mumbletypeg

    Apparently no one informed Herman that when prospecting the, uh, "lay" of the land, should one's record of folly come bubbling to the surface, that incontrovertible truth abides: There will be blood mud.

  14. MzNicky

    Once Herman Fucky-Fucky-Cain-Stain has summoned enough humility to throw in the towel, The Salamander will follow his example, set his gigantic ego aside as well, and similarly withdraw from the race. Right?

  15. Bdupa

    9- spoken length of his pecker
    9- seconds to explode (+1 over rodeo standard)
    9- on a scale of 1-10 how much he likes white women

  16. Tundra Grifter

    So after the previous bimbo eruptions, the staff must have sat down with Mr. Cain and asked The Question: " Herman – is there anything else out there we should know about? ANYTHING?"

    Of course, like an employee caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Mr. Cain said "Oh, no – that's it. Promise."

    Now those same staffers learn he had his fingers crossed.

    They can't erase "Cain Campaign: 2011" from their resumes. But they can abandon this car wreck before another motorist plows into the ruin and there is blood on the highway.

  17. SmutBoffin

    And we were singin':
    Bye, bye Mr. Pepperoni pie.
    Took the Cain Train to the Great Plains
    but got taxed with a "9".
    And the poor old girls
    who were blond and all fine
    Were singin'
    "I don't want that job, you dumb guy…"

  18. Lucidamente1

    How long will it be before Rick Perry "reassesses" his campaign, and why? ("Today, a waiter at an upscale Austin, Texas, bistro accused Gov. Perry of . . .")

  19. Ruhe

    Don't back down, Herm! Film another web commercial, this time with you smoking the cigarette. Just look into the camera and say, "yeah, so?" Then blow smoke into the lens. I always figured Bill Clinton's off camera attitude during his "troubles" was a rakish "who isn't gettin' some strange?" to all those decrepit fucks in the congress.
    Just own it Herm, then run on it.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Would make for an awkward moment in the Republiklan Debates when Herb says "Yeah, but at least I was banging women!"

  20. Mort_Sinclair

    Were it not for the inconvenient fact that Barry White is dead, he would have been perfect to play the Singing Herminator in the upcoming Oxygen network biopic, "You're the First, the Last, My Everything: The Life of Herman Cain."

  21. fartknocker

    Herm, I hope your book sales drop as fast as your wife is about to drop you.

    On your way down into the pile of obscure, useless shitbags, would you please grab Rick Perry and take him with you? The two of you are nothing more than pandering douchebags.

    Adios you babbling goat fuckers. Pick up a job application for Political Strategist at Faux while the door hits you in the ass on the way out.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Though, to be fair, the entire Republican field is chock full of pandering douchebags. On this point, they are "one".

  22. DemonicRage

    Yeah. Like the Republicans were going to nominate him. Who gives a F**k?! What a waste of time listening to anything he said or did!

  23. chascates

    The Right will counter that the Kennedys never got this attention because of their relationship with the media. And that a black conservative is targeted by all the liberalz.

    1. prommie

      Yeah, but you know that Cain was thinking to himself all along "I ain't got nothing in my past worse than Bill Clinton, and he got elected."

  24. datateday

    Well, joke of the election season Herman Cain is out. Now, we'll have to fall back on the tried and true Plan B: good ol' Ron Paul, who was a itchin' to get us back to our pre-Civil War era roots and Wonkette was pretty lenient for a little too long on this frightening reconstitute prospect.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      What is it with the Paultards hating on Abraham Lincoln? I'm reading some of the book reviews and comments over at Amazon and they just can't stand Old Abe.

      1. datateday

        Well, I can't stand Abraham Lincoln, either, and I'm no Paultard. He really did start up the Civil War when the right thing to do was out-perform the Southern economy and once the South updates their economy with modern industrialization, renegotiate unionization talks and return the nation back to one body. This may have taken longer than a traditional presidential term, but it would have been A LOT less damaging and tyrannical.

    1. Buckminster

      I wouldn't think so many would be so proud/willing to admit they did the nasty with such a stupid, venal man. You'd think some would have the class to get an AIDS test, wash the coochie and move on with the life.

  25. JustPixelz

    If America wanted a Breeder not a Reader, the affair would be good news for him.

    I guess Gloria Cain can't call Herman "her man" any more.

    If Repubicans now think private sexual matters are off limits during the campaign, we'll be limited to talking about Newt's lobbying, flip-flops, weight, suspicious financial dealings, religious conversion, peculiar policy ideas, and sweetheart deals. Also, his weight.

  26. smitallica

    I am also "reassessing" my runs for Miss Mexico, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Primate of the Greek Orthodox Church. Mostly because I don't, and never have, had a fucking chance of winning those things.

    1. Master Janitor V572

      Reassessing has a rich history, going back to cynical opportunist Bobby Kennedy "reassessing" his decision not to run for prez in 1968 after anti-war Demo candidate McCarthy almost won the New Hampshire primary over LBJ.

      Hard to believe it now but everybody was pretty mad at him about that.

    2. ThundercatHo

      I was going for "Queen of the Fucking Universe" but the spiky headress gave me a headache. Besides, as long as the dogs and my husband think I am then we are content.

  27. Master Janitor V572

    He probably put her out in Denver because she wouldn't suck his dick.

    Funny how Cain's lawyer was issuing carefully crafted statements full of righteous anger about snooping into the affairs of consenting adults, almost at the same moment when Hermie was on Wolfie issuing flat-out denials.

    Herm's really screwed this up, as his Koch-assigned mission (to terminate Romney) wasn't complete. Santorum and Bachmann aren't really up to the task.

      1. Master Janitor V572

        Glory days of teh Wonket comments…

        …the line appears to be (presumably, unintentionally) in iambic quadrameter, which puts Marion’s ladyfriend in league with Emily Dickinson (no pun intended, of course):

        Two butterflies went out at noon
        Some gentle flowers to lick
        You put me out — in Denver — ’cause
        I wouldn’t suck your dick.


    1. Chichikovovich

      But won't Newtie be embarrassed when he's walking out of the press conference and a croupier hands him a woman: "Your bimbo, sir."

  28. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What does it say about today's America that a politician cannot run for office just because he has too much love to give.

  29. prommie

    Announcement: I am changing my name to "Marx Marvelous." This is an internal name-change only, I will know that is my name, and I will be thinking of this name, when I think of my name, but I will not outwardly use this name in business, correspondence, or discourse. Carry on.

  30. Antispandex

    So, I will NOT get to see Hermie debate the President? Well, that just killed the whole election for me…unless. What about the crazy Ms. Bachmann? Come on G.O.P'ers, you can still save the entertainment value here!

  31. SpiderCrab

    Can't figure out why this isn't good news for Santorum. He's hetero–so's his wife; he's got a family of sniveling, entitled children; he's got the powerful fetal lobby in his corner, and yet he just can't seem to generate much interest out there in the hinterland. Must be because of Dan Savage. Thanks, Dan.

  32. Dr_Zoidberg

    My biggest concern is that, like Caribou Barbie, the Godfather of Pizza will hang around after he withdraws, becoming a paid 'expert' on Faux News.

    1. GOPCrusher

      We can look forward to him being interviewed in front of a turkey beheading machine, next Thanksgiving?

  33. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Does anyone really want to see Herman Cain drop out before he and Gingrich can through a Players Haters ball?

  34. DaSandman

    Yet on second thought lets give him some credit. He was hosing actual human being type people, not the usual rotting goat carcasses the rest of the GOP prefers.

  35. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Who knew that when Herman was talking about the "Cain Train" he wasn't speaking metaphorically.

  36. owhatever

    Herman also announced today that he does not know his wife, never saw her before, and doesn't understand why the liberal media is making such a big deal of her whopping him up side the head with a frying pan.

  37. e_z

    You have to give credit to those shape shifting aliens from the starz. They travelled back in time to plant Obama's birth certificate AND they did the 13 year way back to set up Caine.

    Simply amazing, got to hand it to them, they are gooooooooooood!

  38. ttommyunger

    I've seen pictures of Hermie's wife. Fuck Hermie, somehow all this just makes me feel sorry for her. I know deep inside she knows he is a worthless asshole, but she looks like she still possesses a sense of shame, unlike her dickwad husband.

    1. Troglodeity

      I agree – I feel really sad that she was drawn through all this by her vain cheating scumbag of a husband.

    2. Mojopo

      As a woman, I don't have a shred of sympathy for her. If she has two brain cells in her head she has known about him all along and a) Doesn't give a crap, or b) Is glad to have nice things and doesn't have to fuck Herman Cain to get them.

      1. ttommyunger

        I also hold this view in part, but for a man to give it voice would incur the wrath of certain vagina-possessing types of people.

      2. 102415

        I also think the divorce settlement might have ripened nicely over the last few months of money bombing. I hope old Ginger gets a few bucks out of this too. Thirteen years is a long time to put up with his wife and all the random women he met who needed a job or stood within arms reach. I don't care who he screwed or whether he lied I just don't want any 999 shit on this country.

  39. comrad_darkness

    Seems racist as hell that Cain has to worry about screwing women who weren't his wife and Gingrich doesn't

  40. Mojopo

    "Fuck Herman Cain!"
    "No, you!"
    "I all ready did, it's your turn!"
    "You better fuck Herman Cain right this instant or else! I told you I am done!"
    "Somebody is going to fuck this guy, and it ain't gonna be me."

    — A selection of women who no longer get free toppings

  41. stew1

    The Santorum Surge is now underway. Just Google "Santorum Surge" and you'll see what I mean. He's off to a "frothy start", whatever that means.

  42. GOPCrusher

    Maybe him and Marcus Bachmann get together for long in-depth discussions on how to defeat the Gay Agenda?

Comments are closed.