Nobody is sadder about amoral serial-divorcer Newt Gingrich’s momentary rise in the GOP primary polls than invisible wingnut Rick Santorum. Why do the Iowans sort of half-pretend to be interested in Gingrich for a few weeks when a real Catholic anti-abortion zealot has been running for the nomination all along? For Christ sakes, Gingrich only “converted” to Catholicism because the latest in his string of floozies decided he needed to worship “the right god” so he could do his third marriage on her.
Anyway, here’s what sad sack of Santorum says: “I may not be the guy that the girls are initially attracted to when they walk into the dance hall, but ultimately once you get to know all the folks, I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.”
Uhh. [Des Moines Register via ChasCates]
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Must be all that frothyness.
Take him home to mom so she can help beat the crap out of him for hating women.
Good point! Any mother worth her salt wouldn't want to place her daughter's LIFE in the hands of this fucking hornheaded Christofascist varmint, jezus no.
Only if I wanted my mother to vomit herself into a stroke.
Which, I know what you're really saying, you would never do because you LOVE your mother, right?
I do. And part of the reason why is because she's a share the wealth, bleeding heart liberal who raised me well enough not to date a hateful schlub like Ricky.
Maybe things are different in these so-called "dance hall[s]" but I'm under the impression that women want bad boys, not "the one you want to take home to mom."
Plus, "dance hall girls" — Really? Cuz that word is really a euphemism for "whore."
Dance hall? Has someone informed little Ricky that it's not 1948 anymore?
Sorry Ricky, but dance hall girls don't take their guys home to mom.
To the mama-san, maybe, but that's not the same thing.
It's not???
When the f$&@ did that happen?
Early 1949, is what I hear.
"I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.”
Only if Mom is a cannibal.
Or eats shit.
Or I'm Norman Bates.
Or Carrie.
Or a praying mantis. She could chew his head off whilst his hindquarters continue to copulate….
Yeah, but you wouldn't *notice* if Ricky was copulating with you, see, because that tiny little pencildick of his could slide right up your butthole and you'd feel it less than a nice big juicy fart.
Aw gee whiz, whined Frothy Fecal Matter, all the cool guys have mistresses. Why can't I get one?
Because you know your wife would strangle her with a length of calico fabric, baptize her post-mortem, and make the children kiss her good-bye before she goes to heaven.
Mrs. Rick looks like the type who would use surgical tubing.
I'm pretty sure everybody knows exactly who Little Ricky "Brownback" Santorum is.
That's why he's no longer a Senator.
~
Chicks dig guys who aren't creating Santorum – unless they like anal.
Even if they take their deliveries at the tradesmen's entrance, NOBODY wants santorum.
He's not the easy lay Herman Cain is.
But who is?
Because Mom's apple pie has been kinda bland lately, and it needs a little extra something, IYKWIM.
needz moar Tebow.
No wait!
LESS TEBOW!!! LESS TEBOW!!!!
Ok, I'll give him that one, but what are his other 28 dimensions of compatibility?
I am awaiting the "Santorum spurt" (in the polls).
Or down the leg.
Ewwwwwwwwwww.
Just the thought of that has the entire Republican component of the electorate RUNNING AWAY like crazy. In spatter pants, no less.
Sorry, Rick, my Mom isn't into scat play.
See? This is why I hang at Teh Wonketz. Did you know, my dear Lettuce, that there aren't that many sites where you can even *mention* scat play?
I really do not want to find out which dance-hall girl has been having a 13-year affair with Santorum.
That crazy-eyed daughter of his is 13 now?!
Actually, she is.
That's what America needs in a president. An unlikeable guy you can take home to get the approval of old codgers.
"I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.” If mom's a right wing wacko cunt.
Hey! Don't call my mom a cunt. The rest is correct. Carry on.
I thought rightwing wackos were cunts by definition. No?
My mom liked Bill Clinton. But not as much as she liked John Kennedy. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
Santorum has the sadz not only because of Newtie's rise in the polls, but because Neuter can trash-talk Hermie for being an amoral serial-adulter while the Xtians cheer hallelujah in 3-part harmony.
No, actually, Rick Santorum looks like the guy you went out with once when you were desperate to go to the dance and he was the only date you could get (hey, you had an ugly duckling phase), then he knocked you up after you had too many rum shots ("I only put it in a little"), then lectured you so much about abortion you ended up lying to him and telling him you miscarried just to shut him up.
You've gone for a string of bad boys ever since…
That is oddly specific. And oh so plausible …
We call it "Santa Rum"
That certainly explains why all the girls WANT bad boys … (sniff!)
So those guys are running just in the hope of getting laid? Didn't know that.
I've been doing it wrong.
See, running TOWARDS them doesn't do much. Running towards Presidentiality, though … well, that's enough to get the cougars' attention, at least.
Nothing wrong with a few hundred blow jobs a year. Gotta keep the tubes clear, yaknow.
Seems to be working for Herman.
I think it works for Republican women, too. Remember Christine O'Donnell and her pudding cup?
ZOMG, I wonder if Puddin'Cup is still burying his beardy face in her beardy bush?
Is Iowa so devoid of attractive males that Rick Santorum ranks *second* on the Hot/Not list?????
If the categories are "all men with a pulse other than Santorums" and "Santorums", then yes, Rick is in second place.
Yes?
No. It's just that we won't break out a clean John Deere hat for just any trollop.
Is that a *question*?
He can keep my Mom company in the crypt she's occupied since 1972.
My mom doesn't collect fetuses in jars, so I won't be bring Mr. Frothy home to her.
"I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.”
Rick, I think I see your problem here. Mom wants a threesome.
I believe the kids call that a Sportsman's Double.
Hey, we (meaning everyone with a pulse and two functioning brain cells) don't call Rick a motherfucker for nothing.
Dating and acceptance is still a big issue for some of the candidates. Bachmann at the Mall of America:
Michelle Bachmann arrived at 8:00 on Friday morning for a book signing. In an interview, she revealed a different kind of high school experience. "I wasn't invited to my junior or senior prom. It was one of the heartbreaks of my life," she said. "I was the ugly duckling at the ball." http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/...
"I was the ugly duckling at the ball."
Hm. Maybe if we hooked up Santorum and Mickey Mou– I mean, Bachmann…
"I was the ugly duckling at the ball."
More like the batshit crazy cunt.
Ugly duckling my ass. She was the cock tease who wouldn't put out.
And now she doesn't have to.
Ugly duckling is ugly. And ducky.
A couple of her yearbook pics: http://www.snakkle.com/galleries/before-they-were...
And a great overbite photo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/28/michele-...
I am pretty sure I have been chased in a video game by that overbite photo . . . .
Hey, she likes turtle necks!!!
No hickies that way.
But then on Prom night I locked the doors from the outside and set the gym on fire. I felt much better after that.
Sitters like this one need knocking out of the park. It's possibly because you're 1) Insane. 2) Stupid as vulture shit, 3) Ugly as a syphilitic baboon. There are some prom dates that make staying in with Mrs Palm and her five daughters attractive…
4) Excessive overbite – gives lousy head.
Rick Santorum is the first person to be officially ranked "Ignore" in a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill.
Or, ultimately, a gal might look at the whole bugly bunch of them, puke on her own shoes, and run screaming into the night to look for someone who doesn't hate women, has a brain, isn't a piece of shit, doesn't flip-flop every 15 minutes on what he believes in, and doesn't pine for the good old days when a poor guy didn't even have to worry about what the goddamned uppity bitches wanted.
Also, Rick does a mean fox-trot out on the dance floor.
I wonder how Santorum thinks any mother would want to meet a dickwad who hates women as much as he does.
Most mothers would bitch slap him off the porch. Compared to them, Dan Savage would appear to be his bff.
And Dan's likely to slap him half to death too. Well, at least he's not gonna do like the MomsOfAmerica and go all the way.
Shoot, you get enough Jager into me, I'd even go home with Thad McCotter
Always going for the bad boys, eh?
The Republican Nominating Dance.
Ricky S. is standing in the corner trying to hide his boner, Perry is passed out drunk in the bathroom while Herman boogies down to "Superfreak" on the dance floor. Mittens parades around in his varsity jacket, the preppy rich kid nobody actually likes, and Newt is regaling the nerds with his mastery of World of Warcraft. Michelle complains to her girlfriends about being dumped, while Jon goes unnoticed, still hoping for a miracle to make him Homecoming King.
Later, Michele is doused in pig's blood and the whole lot of 'em go up in flames.
And Ron Paul is helping himself to some spiked punch.
… then calling the fire department to tell them not to send a truck because these kids created their own problems and need to learn responsibility.
Nah, Huntsman is playing in the band http://www.npr.org/2011/10/12/141276651/before-po...
Gals take Rick home to meet Mom as a dodge to distract the poor old cow from guessing that they've just spent dance night getting tag teamed in the dark by Huntsman and Cain.
He's always conscientious about reminding them to wipe the pizza dough from Herm's hands off the back of their heads, sparing them an uncomfortable interrogation from their watchful mom.
Is "take home to mom" code for "pound in the ass while I sob until my ass oozes santorum?"
Well, since no loving mother would want her daughter in the hands of some fucking homicidal maniac godbag, we must assume so.
Previously, Santorum had admitted that all living human beings despise him. Most of us would stop there. But he seemed to think it necessary to add: "And all women despise me too."
To be scrupulously fair, Rick does not consider women to be "human beings." That privilege is reserved for men and fetal jellylumps.
That was, indeed, the point of my little trifle. Or to put it another way – there are two types of people who self-identify as "not feminists". There are the ones who, when presented with the bumper sticker slogan "Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings." say: "Harrumph. That's not what "feminism" means." And then there's Rick Santorum, who says "See! I told you I wasn't a feminist!"
I was just attempting to argue his case. Why, I don't know. I remember kids just like him from the local YM/YWCA. All shiny-faced, with their little bibles and shiny black shoes and white socks and starched collars, smug and revoltingly confident that they were going to *heaven,* where they would gloat over you and your ilk as you roasted endlessly in hell. I fervently hope all his children grow up to be atheistic, Communist homosexuals. Nothing would give me greater joy. Except ending world hunger and poverty, maybe.
Nobody should ever take santorum home to their mom. That's just about the most disgusting thing I've ever heard and this guy should be ashamed of himself.
I brought a dead bat home to my mom once, but this would be infinitely worse.
True. I wonder how Karen S. ended up with him. That woman does *not* look happy.
“I may not be the guy that the girls are initially attracted to when they walk into the dance hall, but I'm what they hope to feel running down their legs later."
Ew, nobody wants to feel Santorum running down their leg! NOBODY!
I don't think my mom would like a bag of flaming dogshit on her front porch either.
So, Rick is only interested in you if he can have a three way with you and your mom?
Sorry to get all empirical and stuff about this tidy little story, but: how in Satan's name would he know that any of the girls would want to take him home to Mom?
Clairvoyant grandiosity
Yeah, he's the one you want to take home to meet Mom.
Because he's old and stupid—just Mom's type!
Sorry Dad, but if the shoe fits…
It's not like intelligent people or many guys (straight and gay) like you either, Ricky poo.
I was a ignored nobody math geek in high school and I suspect that even I'd want to atomic wedgie Rick Santorum.
I imagine even the Special Ed kids used to chase little Ricky home from school.
That is a funny picture.
I was just thinking that most Wonketeerz were probably the smart geeky kids that everybody in school hated, but even WE would have hated Ricky Santorum with the flaming heat of a million suns.
I’m the one you want to take home to Mom…for some sweaty hot monkey sex.
Come on, Wonkette – admit that your staff has made up all these Republican candidates just to get website hits so you can attract advertising! I mean, the laffs just keep coming! You guys have such imaginations!
Wait until you see our new TV series; it is on Faux and it is about these three completely different presidential candidates who get thrown together for a campaign thru Iowa and New Hampshire.
A Surreality Show!
Rick, isn't dancing evil?
If I brought that home, my mother would disown me.
But not until after she had put a stake through its heart and buried it at the crossroads.
You bring him home and are all like, he's mormon so we totally won't do any gay stuff, and then you do. Or, that's what I hear.
A quick glimpse deep-seated psychological debilitation. This guy needs a magazine rack, and probably a washcloth.
This whole thread is full of win. Wonketters are the best, wittiest people on the planet.
And Santorum can suck it.
He probably does. I mean, who would fuck him?
"Gloomy Fanatic Rick Santorum Admits Girls Despise Him." Don't sell yourself short, Ricky; EVERYBODY despises you.
Well said. Even the republicans whose stock in trade is condescending moral lectures to the "unwashed" have a limit for how much of that shit they can swallow. Ricky is a condescension volcano.
And a cunt.
Back when he was a Senator, Rick finally got a girl to take him home to her family. But then during a dinner break the girl excused herself from the table – and after a while Rick found her engaged in debauched, sweaty coitus with the family's farmhand.
Poor Ricky's stillborn campaign. It makes you think, don't it?
My mother would punch Rick Santorum in the face and then kick him until he ran crying, just FYI.
I like your Mom already. You should tell her I send her kudos for being such a sterling character.
Especially if my Mom was Kali.
If she was Kali, she wouldn't just beat the shit out of him, she'd throw him on the ground and DANCE on his dying corpse. Right before cutting his head off and waving it around for everyone to see.
Santorum brings out the very best on these boards.
Um … does he get it yet, that most frilly-panty-wearing humans would run screaming from a guy who wants to put a DEAD FUCKING FETUS IN THE MARITAL BED?
Excuse me, I have to go vomit up my lunch now. I know what fetal fleshlumps feel like and look like, and let me assure you, it is NOT GOOD. Also, they're … uh, sticky. If you put them on fabric, their bodily fluids will ooze out and basically bind them tighter 'n shit to the fabric. If you try to get the fabric off them, you'll pull off little lumps of flesh and leave little lumps of cotton stuck on the carcass.
He seriously thinks the kind of girl that would (a) go to a dance and/or (b) take a marriageable partner home to mother WANTS that? The guy's on drugs. Good ones.
"I’m the one you want to take home to Mom."
Santorum seems to have forgotten who's supposed to wear the pants in the family. If Mom isn't properly submitting to Dad, your parents are a bunch of atheist Muslims anyway and their opinions mean jack shit.
So much for his chances of picking up the GOP nomination now.
Herman Cain has also expressed interest in meeting my mother
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