Have you somehow forgotten about Arizona these past few days? Let’s remember it all over again, for the holidays! Nothing says “mythology of the peaceful savior Jesus” like an Arizona gun club hosting a Guns ‘n Santa family foto event. “I thinks it’s going to be all in fun from those who support the second amendment and those who don’t,” a local gun nut tells the teevee news in Phoenix. We heartily agree!
Here, watch this, we guess:
Family Pictures Taken With Santa, Machine Guns: MyFoxPHOENIX.com
Delightful! Remember, if not for the power of massive guns, Jack Skellington might’ve stolen Christmas and given it to the Devil’s Army. [Fox Phoenix via Wonkette operative "Scott L."]
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Crow T. Robot, "Santa will cut ya, Santa's a blade man!"
Just like an elf… Bringin' a knife to a gunfight!
"Golly, Santa, can you get me a Jared Loughner action figure for Christmas?"
Golly gee, I want the Timothy McVeigh model, he could kick Jared Loughner's ass.
I want a Norwegian summer camp play set.
The Kyle Huff Montanan model worked for me.
I'm leaving a big plate of lightly salted poisoned rat dicks and a glass of santorum out on Jebusmas Eve for this particular Santa.
That whole video is practically an Onion piece, from the perky news reader gal to the machine-gun-totin' young'uns. Sweet Jesus.
Ironically satire-proof.
Irony and satire, murdered in their sleep by Gun Club Santa. I weep.
Jesus?
The Onion used to be humorous. Now, it's prophetic.
Santa blows away bad girls and boys.
#heblowsalot
Blows away – or blows ala Sandusky?
I wish I didn't see what you did there…
So do Penn State coaches, apparently.
Makes the ol' Red Rider BB Gun seem quaint in comparison, doesn't it?
Ow! My eye!!
You'll shoot your eye out? No, your head will explode in a red mist and your mom will have to spend 3 hours with a bucket of bleach cleaning it up.
No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
With a compass in the stock!
or to quote Jules in Pulp Fiction, 'you're the motherfucker who should be on brain detail!!!'
But with the Red Ruby Ridge "BB" Gun (wink – lots of different sizes of ball bearings, young patriots!) you can defend your tree house compound against the kids playing FBI next door.
"In fun" means they don't start shooting. "Serious debate" is when they do.
Awww…
Little kids with guns…
Makes me feel all warm inside.
(I hope Santa is wearing bullet-proof padding.)
"Makes me feel all warm inside."
That's just the internal bleeding.
That gives me an idea! Bulletproof beards!
(runs to patent office…)
I'll bet Gabby Giffords will be first in line to sit on his lap.
"You'll blow yer brains out, kid!"
Beat me to it!
I'm pretty sure this was a "Futurama" episode.
Several actually.
He knows when you are sleeping.
He knows when you're on the can.
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Ohh.
You better not breathe, you better not move.
You better off dead, I'm telling you dude,
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
So this is White N.R.A. Jesus' pal.
~
See, below, my comment on Vermont birthers. Crazy head-asploded wingnut gun-fondling goatfuckers are crazy head-asploded wingnut gun-fondling goatfuckers who hate that the president is near.
Tell us how you really feel, prommie.
Not to be outdone, Texas wingnuts will hold a "pose with Santa strapped into an electric chair" event.
Arizona is planning a "deport Mexican Santa" event where they twang Pare Noel over the border fence with a trebuchet.
When Trebuchets Are Illegal, Only Mooslim Infidels Will Have Trecbuchets!"
[Bumper sticker last seen on an oxcart heading toward the Battle of Acre.]
Right next to the "Innocent III 1198" bumper sticker – tough on Mohammedans, tough on the causes of Mohammedans
If there's any city that could use an assassin…
Glocks make some smokin' stocking stuffers!
On the 12th day of Xmas my gun nut gave to me… 12 Glock 19s!
11 Colt .45s
10 Mac 10s
9 AR-15s
8 laser sights
7 7.62mm 100 round belts
6 M-60 machine guns
5 Automatic fire conversion kits
4 smoke grenades
3 silencers
2 flash bangs
And one Barrett .50 cal sniper rifle with AP ammo!
Send that into American Rifleman and it will be their xmas issue centerfold. All their pants will asplode.
Santa is bringing me a VSS "Vintorez" винтовка снайперская специальная
because I have been especially good about hand polishing my cartridges to reduce the possibility of a jam.
Curiously, Jayson Williams was originally drafted by the Phoenix Suns.
Maybe it's just me, but in that picture I find the fact that the child is wearing a Suns hat disturbing.
I thought that was Steve Kerr.
Now we're talking Competitive Shopping!
As long as I can return fire and use the end caps for defilade, I'm tight.
Don't shoot your eye out.
Indeed.
It's okay, they're white people with guns!
Too true. If black/brown people were holding this event, they'd call out the national guard.
What could go wrong?
Florida thanks you for taking the Wonkette spotlight, however briefly.
As does Texas!
And New Hampshire.
Because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like the sight of Santa gunning down Rudolph's entire family with an AK-47, amirite?
Hmmmm. Venison!
Thanks for reminding me it is deer gun season here this week so dogs get no walkies due to poachers in the park. Assholes.
If Rudolph were armed, he could return fire and defend his family!
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
Apparently the "X" in Xmas is actually a target.
No, it's a surveyor's mark!
Gah! Beat me to it!
Just a surveyor's mark.
Can we call it Surveyorsmarkmas?
That's a good effort, Arizona, but you're gonna need a bit more to catch Florida, and New Hampshire looks like it's coming on fast in the stretch.
So…. Santa’s also compensating for some inadequacy?
That's what Mrs. Claus said.
Did Mrs. Claus complain about not getting her stocking stuffed properly?
The North Pole just doesn't point north the way it used to.
Needs more Sleigh Nuts
I've heard he only comes once a year!
Of course they are armed. How else are they going to fight the War on Christmas?
I hate to tell these dipshits but the war on Christmas was lost decades ago. Even though they blame it on the Liberals, it was actually won by these same dipshits' best friend, Corporate America.
Jesus? Jesus who? Where are the best discounts on Chinese crap?
I hope they were playing christmas glock-enspiel music in the background.
Just a warm-up before permanently becoming a member of the angels' choir.
Is that like a Speak'n'spell, but German and with a gun as a pointer?
Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But that gun is so delightful,
And since we're all redneck choads,
Lock and Load! Lock and Load! Lock and Load!
Catchy!!
Do we have an official Wonkette X-mas song?
Santa and the First Amendment just don't measure up.
Lock and load, kiddies!
I thinks it’s going to be all in fun from those who support the second amendment
Support the second amendment = give firearms and ammunition to psychos who want to shoot members of congress.
I'm confused.
You say "want to shoot members of congress [sic]" as if it's a BAD thing.
Or was the lower case intentionally, i.e., you were referring to people have sex, rather than elected officials failing to do their jobs?
Or was the lower case intentionally, i.e., you were referring to people have sex, rather than elected officials failing to do their jobs?
No, that would be members in congress.
I guess all the Jewish kids have to be content with the Guns 'N Moses concert next door.
This comment deserves more notice and appreciation. It amused me greatly. Guns and MOSES, haha, I see what you have done there.
It's Old Shool.
Actually, Old Testament.
It makes a setting for some good slash, you must admit.
They do an awesome cover of Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.
Front man Axl Rosenberg?
… and the killer lead guitar of Shmear.
Slash is already Jewish.
Shofar, so good…
"Lookyhere, mister, I don't much care whether you dropped yourself down my chimney or skedaddled out of my anal orifice. We don't take to crimson-clad fellers stealin' our vittles and whatnot left by the fireplace. What say you leave the way you came in, or my shootin' iron'll leave your cranial contents deposited on the mantle."
I does one drop down the chimney of a double-wide?
What is wrong with Salted Truffles?
Oh, Assault Rifles… never mind.
"Santa, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you Jerry Sandusky in disguise?"
Santa is socialist.
Nah, he gives very few presents to the kids from poor families; he definitely supports the one percent, as he gives all the toys . . . to the little rich boys.
Kinky!
Duh, he's always depicted in red and is known for redistributing wealth to non-productive members of society.
Santa is the dream of every state security-type organization. Sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake, knows if you've been bad or good- all with no judicial meddling. Combine that with cheap, well-trained staff and unbelievably good PR. Be glad the old KGB or the CIA never figured out that passing out a pile of toys one day a year gives you a free pass on everything for the other 364.
They tried it in Africa for years.
I believe it's called "Black Friday." Seems to work OK here.
Small children, who combine incredible curiosity with being really stupid, and automatic weapons. There's no way this can go horrifically wrong.
Liberal Communist Pinko SKum, and the right to vote. There's no way this can go horrifically wron. . . .
Oh, never mind.
So when they grow up and lose their curiosity, things get better?
That and the daily drunken ramblings about how Daddy lost his job to the Messicans, so there might not be presents under the tree this year.
I just had a spirited discussion with an 80 year-old palooka at the gym. He keeps waxing nostalgic about AZ. I bring up the governor, Sheriff Joe, Jared Loughner. He concedes Jan Brewer needs some work and Jared Loughner is crazy but could be from anywhere, but staunchly defends Arpaio's fascist ways. When I ask why he doesn't just move back there, he says his wife couldn't handle the elevation anymore. She's been dead almost 3 years. Like Barney Frank, I'm sick of debating with dining room tables, too.
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it."
I LOVE Xmas!!!
We know how much you would enjoy a Christmas gift of a "magazine subscription."
And if you eat all your vegetables and finish your homework without us having to tell you every night, it will be a Jared Loughner brand elongated open clip magazine.
Chestnuts bursting from your open fire,
Jack Frost shooting at your nose,
Yuletide blasts being shot by a choir,
And folks turning white like Eskimos.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Bang bang, shoot shoot.
When I hold you in my arms, And I feel my finger on your trigger, I know, no one can do me no harm.
Heston, Chapter .22, verse .38:
"An armed child is a polite child," sayeth the Lord, "and there is no better way to honor me, the Prince of Peace, then by reveling with [firearms] that, in similar look and fashion, have slain millions of innocents. So let it be loaded, so let it be shot."
Amen.
load up people…they are coming for ya…dem browns and muslims…
This year the 'baggers are going to fight back against the 'War on Christmas'.
"You can have my gun when you pry it from my underage, immature, hormone crazed fingers!"
Santa Slay?
What the people of Arizona discovered this week is that Santa's middle name is Uzi, as in "Do Uzi what Izi"
None of that pussy-ass pepper spray for these tough guys.
Gramma got run over by a reindeer.
It's payback time.
People in Phoenix, a sprawlville megalopolis that has no right to exist, have two unbearable pretensions:
(1) They call themselves "Phoenecians," which is ridiculous; and
(2) They refer to the blasted desert plain over which they sprinkle unimaginable quantities of precious water as "The Valley of the Sun," when in fact it is in no meaningful sense of the word a "valley".
So they obviously turn to guns'n'Jeebus to seek meaning in their empty, desolate lives, as Obama pointed out back in '07 or whenever it was.
Last time I drove by there it was a vast smog filled depression in the side of the earth.
My suggestion for Phoenix is that they make the roads just one lane wider each, so there is no room for any people.
I'll bet Christina-Taylor Green would have been in line for gun toting Santa.
It's beginning to look a lot like Libya…everywhere I go…
I'm pretty sure the kid in the Suns cap is ignoring what NRA types call Rule One: The Gun is Always Loaded.
Christ, the wingnuts don't even pretend to teach gun safety these days…
Gold, frankinsence, myrrh and a box of hollow points so Baby J can cap a pig.
Child abuse.
I think I will write a screenplay. It's going to be an wingnut assault rifle version of 'A Christmas Story' and it will be excellent. Things will take a violent turn when Ralphie pulls a glock on that mean redheaded kid and it will end with an exciting multiple murder/ suicide in which Ralphie shoots slightly more than his eye out. Other exciting interludes will include Ralphie's father beating the shit out of his mom for objecting to his new lamp and Ralphie poisoning the towns supply of Ovaltine.
How the Grinch Tried to Steal Christmas but Cindi Lou Who Popped a Cap in His Ass
Nothing says "Happy Birthday Prince of Peace" like large, fully loaded, semi-automatic rifles.
Little known Christmas fact — The Three Wise Men actually brought Mary and baby Jeebus grenade launchers, night vision goggles and Winchester repeating rifles.
what
Thank heavens the NRA blocked that mandatory trigger-lock legislation, otherwise it would be a sad Christmas for these lovable rapscallions.
Can you just imagine the right-wing outrage if a lib posed his kid with Santa, holding a dead, aborted fetus? Everybody knows dead fetuses belong in jars on the mantle, to be passed around by family members on jesusy holidays.
Pardon me, while I shove my abnormal obsession down your throat. As an opera hater, there nothing I like receiving for Xmas more than a nice, glass shattering aria.
Come on, Darwin!
Check out this video on Youtube from a Patriotic Real American, entitled:
I JUST FUCKING SHOT MYSELF
Man, I wish they had thought of this when I was a kid. Imagine all the loot I could have gotten from Santa if I had an AK.
awww, just like jesus would do.
Lived there. Actually, it is a valley.
Mountains to the North, South mountains to the South, Superstition mountains to the East, forgot the name of the mountains to the West.
A valley surrounded by mountains on every side. A bowl that keeps the air pollution in.
OK, perhaps a better name is Valley of The Rich Rednecks, since almost everyone I knew there was a Teabagger with a Masters degree, who thought they would be rich someday, if they keep voting for Republicans…
Estrella are southwest– White Tanks are far west. (I still live here.. help meeeee !) And the people that aren't Teabaggers with Masters degrees are NASCAR dipshits, gun nuts, religious freaks, truly stupid kids (AZ ed. is terrible all the way around), and olds. I swear, the most decent people that live here are Mexicans–illegal or not.
Ah yes. What child doesn't fondly remember the first time that Santa brought a really sweet peice of deadly hardware to celebrate the birth of that violent radical, Jesus, and filled their stocking with ammo?
Wait, I've seen how this ends on Tosh.0.
Last week, they arrested the third wingnut in my subdivision who pulled a gun on his wife and/or kids in the last two years. At least we all saw it coming since they all had Gadsden flags in the front yard.
OT: RIP Patrice O’Neal
"Here, watch this, we guess"
No.
I don't see what the big deal is. I host a similar event for the kiddies every Valentine's and Easter at the local Pleasure Center. You should see the way their eyes light up when they get to strap on their first strap-on.
Ho-Ho-Hollow Point!
Human Wallpaper on 34th Street…
What the fuck is the matter with these people?
It seems like guns and Xmas are becoming the standard. So festive!
http://www.yardinflatables.com/Hunting-Snowman_p_...
wow, that beats the "Santa in the Outhouse" blow-up at Lowe's all to hell.
I don't know how much that guy playing Santa was paid, but it wasn't enough.
Well, there's this. http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=6393527&...
I certainly hope none of those pussies brought unloaded guns or had the safeties on.
This is wrong on so many levels!
I'm not thrilled about it, but if they manage to put a few slugs in the little drummer boy I'd have an easier holiday season.
I haven't seen such a depressingly accurate portrayal of the American Holiday Spirit since the "Squidbillies" Christmas Special.
There is a certain section of Hell reserved for all of the Arizona people involved with this, and in that certain section, Santa is Marilyn Manson, and all the wingnut gun nuts will be forced to sit on Marilyn Manson's lap with a fully loaded gun to their heads, for all of eternity.
The only thing missing is TruckNutz.
Remember Kids, Its better to give bullets than to receive them.
What better way to observe the upcoming anniversary of the maiming of a librul Congresswoman and the killing of an activist judge?
Santa, Second Amendment Remedies are on my list this year!
I've gotten a gun for Christmas, beats the shit out of socks!
Yeah? Socks are warmer than looking at miles of snow-covered, no-critter-in-sight countryside when your car is buried in a snow drift in the middle of nowhere.
"Daddy, this gun ain't loaded, pussy Santa"
"Timmy's essay today will not be on 'My favorite Christmas present.' Due to the nature of Timmy's holiday celebration with his moronic parents, Timmy's essay will be entitled, 'Ten reasons I will really miss my little brother.' Thank you for not laughing, Class."
Lock and load for White Jebus!
Why would you need presents when you've got a gun? Loaded question, I know!
Obscure "Nightmare Before Christmas" reference FTW.
I could take out an entire Nordstrom every time I hear that line in Winter Wonderland about building a snowman in the meadow and pretending that he's Parson Brown. So, there's that. Otherwise, total pacifist here!
(oh, and Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch, but that's more of a year-round problem.)
Nothing starts the holiday off right like a pintel-mounted Dillon Aero M134D Gatling Gun, electrically driven machine gun chambered in 7.62mm NATO and firing at a fixed rate of 3,000 shots per minute.
Made right in AZ…
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye . . . and the brains they were storing behind the eye.
Slay bells ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin' (with blood) . . .
Is this the WAR on X-mas Blimey O'Rielly was talking about??
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