We've already established what you are, quislings!In finally deciding to consider the constitutional merits of Obamacare, our black-robed Supreme Court overlords have gone and turned a deaf ear to our collective entreaties to PLEASE DON’T! as though we were some kind of publicly defended death-row inmate or something. Now the Divine Nine will get to run their stubby fingers through the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’s supple entrails over five-and-a-half hours of oral arguments this March. Well, la-di-da for Law School over there! Meanwhile, the rest of us can look forward to MONTHS of Obama, Newt Romney, and associated jerkholes screeching on the teevee about who can bend the cost curve over the kitchen table harder, as the insipid and vacillating Harry and Louise watch in mealy-mouthed horror, forever and ever, until the sun explodes and it’s Election Day, 2012.

The Hill reports on the retrofitted T-shirt cannons that will be spewing cash and prizes in the general direction of all lobbyists and political profiteers:

Next year’s Supreme Court decision on the healthcare reform law could be the most heavily lobbied ever.

Corporations, unions, trade groups and advocates are expected to spend millions of dollars over the next few months trying to shape the court’s thinking on whether the law’s individual mandate is constitutional. Their efforts will include ideological appeals, popularity contests and recusal campaigns – none of which are likely to have much effect on the outcome of the case.

This useless spending spree is, in part, meant to convince liberals that Ginni Thomas isn’t just going to pass out Trapper Keepers to all the Justices with their opinions already typed up on Lisa Frank brand stationery. But the Liberty Central PAC is part of our economy that needs recovery, too!

The language both sides will rely on to make their case is already well-honed, whether it’s through public statements, op-eds or friend of the court briefs. For Democrats, it’s all about the law’s benefits.


“On the Republican side,” said [Michael Wissot, a senior strategist with Republican messaging guru Frank Luntz’s firm] said, “the hope is to appeal to the [Antonin] Scalias and the [John] Roberts of the world when it comes to constantly referring to this as a ‘government-run mandate,’ using words like … ‘overstepping its bounds’ … and ‘invading’ the lives of the private citizen.”

Yeah, who is this “government,” anyway, except for probably a Waffle House plot by Michelle Obama and Keith Olbermann? Who are they to be approving things, without all of us calling or texting a 1-800 number to keep our favorite subsection of H.R. XYZ from being voted off the island dance floor? Enough of this government-run tyranny! We demand both our hobo beans and our cut-rate neurosurgeon’s hands unwashed. It’s called freedom, and it isn’t free. [The Hill]

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  • chascates

    The best justice money can buy.

  • Ducksworthy

    That's silly. Why would anybody hire lobbyists when a majority of the SCOTUS is so obviously for hire?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Think if it as a jobs program.

    • Five of them have already been bought and paid for. The decision will come down to a 5 to 4 vote to fuck the citizens out of even this meager start to healthcare reform.

  • Barb

    "over five-and-a-half hours of oral arguments"
    Sounds like Herman Cain, doing a job interview. "You want the job, don't cha?"

    • Mort_Sinclair

      I think you forgot the separate quotation marks around "arguments," Barb.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    To all citizens of the USA. It's going to be really important not to fall ill anytime in the next few years. (i.e.anytime between now and 2100 CE).

    • slithytoves

      That's going to make the 2012 armageddon a real bitch.

  • Harry & Louise can do it if on New Year's Eve Scalia and Thomas have a Thelma & Louise finale.

    • Master Janitor V572

      Laurel & Hardy?
      Hall & Oates?
      Tango & Cash?
      These guys?

    • yyyaz

      I would prefer a Bonnie and Clyde ending: It feels more appropriate even though B&C's marks were the banks rather than the proles.

  • SexySmurf

    To sum up: Democrats will promote the bill's benefits using logic and reason while Republicans resort to cheap fear-mongering and half-baked rhetoric.

    And the Democrats will lose.

    • Ducksworthy

      I suspect the reason for this has been explained by Taversky and Kahneman.

  • memzilla

    Ironically, SCOTUS will be the ultimate Death Panel. They've done more to preserve the health of corporations than that of people.

    • DaRooster

      Corporations are people though…

      • memzilla

        As a fellow Wonketeer hollywooddood said, "I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one."

        • Toomush_Infer

          Nah, just allows one into Medicare…

          • hagajim

            Isn't that pretty much what every bank in the good ol' USA is on?

    • Generation[redacted]

      And Mississippi deports a corporation for not having its birf certificat.

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf


    (old, shriveled, single-purposed, and signals someone is getting fucked)

    • swordfis

      Anagram: Mrs. Scotus = scrotums

    • tessiee

      Hey, a nutsack at least serves a constructive purpose.

  • DaRooster

    If they do away with their own socialist healthcare along with congress doing the same… I'll be more apt to agree with them. Somehow I don't think that'll happen.

    • kaiamursi

      Viagra ain't cheap, buddy. Not now and not ever if the patent can last another 40,000,000,000 hours.

  • Master Janitor V572

    Ginni Thomas has no influence over Clarence's decisions, although if he doesn't go her way she might record something over his "Long Dong Silver" VHS.

    This is why it's better to appoint softball-playing Hispanic Lesbians to SCOTUS. Nice work, Barry!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Or buy DVDs.

      • We tried playing DVDs on our VHS, but they don't work so well.

        • GOPCrusher

          Did you take the peanut butter sammich out of the slot, first?

          • poncho_pilot

            that's what she said.

  • Baconzgood

    Corporations, unions, trade groups and advocates are expected to spend millions of dollars over the next few months trying to shape the court’s thinking….I think that's against the law isn't it?

    • Master Janitor V572

      The only way to find out is to take it to the Supreme….oh, fuck.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's called an amicus brief. It can cost a small fortune, so there's often big money behind it, but at least we get to see it.

      • Baconzgood

        My lil' lady bought me some amicus briefs. They sucked. The band binded up all the time and if I moved a certain way my left ball would fall out of them.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That's what you get for buying cheap generics. You want the brand-name big-law briefs. (Or the magic ones, if you can afford 'em … and belong to the right club.)

    • RadiosTyrone

      Today, everything in the universe is a person.

      • tessiee

        Except people.

  • Callyson

    “I'm not so sure that all of these special interest groups are entirely about influencing the judicial process itself (as much as trying) to justify their own existence,” said Michael Wissot, a senior strategist with Republican messaging guru Frank Luntz's firm. “I see it as being more about taking one last opportunity to intensify the public outcry.”
    We're here
    Give us an ear
    While we shear
    Your healthcare, dear…

    • Steverino247


  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, certainly this Conservative, non-activist court will defer to Congress on legislative issues.

    • prommie

      Its almost 100 years since Loughner, think its about time for a revival?

  • x111e7thst

    Single-payer health care is medical care funded from a single insurance pool, run by the state etc blah blah

  • memzilla

    Now we know the plotline of the prequel to Soylent Green.

  • Goonemeritus

    This is just the normal evolution of a modern economy. We started with the Jeffersonian Ideal of an agrarian society then morphed into an industrial society followed by service. The next step is we will graduate to a lobbyist based economy were we all pay others to try to convince a small subset of the traditional economy to do something.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Did the Founding Fathers have national health care? Case closed.

    • prommie

      They did, for seamen. Mandatory wage deductions, socialized medicine, the whole nine yards.

  • joshleefolsom

    Is this a democracy or an auction?

    • Ducksworthy

      Thanks. Can I use this on my occupy poster?

  • Suck My Balls

    You know who else had retrofitted T-shirt cannons?

    • Master Janitor V572

      The Krupps of Essen?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The Waffen SS?

      • MightySix

        "Mein Fuhrer conquered France und all I got vas zis geshtinkener t-shirt"

    • SorosBot

      The Springfield Speedway cheerleaders, who killed Maude Flanders with it?

      • Biff

        I never knew how Ned became a widower, but was never curious enough to look it up. Thanks for that.

    • tessiee

      The Fem-Bots in that Austin Powers movie?

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Phanatic?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Corporations, unions, trade groups and advocates are expected to spend millions of dollars over the next few months trying to shape the court’s thinking on whether the law’s individual mandate is constitutional.

    IOW, "This Supreme Court ruling, brought to you by the friendly folks at Aetna and United Healthcare." /TV voiceover

  • Antispandex

    Good lord! All of this fuss over something that doesn't really change ANYTHING for most Americans…unless they have stock in medical insurance companies? What would have happened if Congrress had balls and passed something that could actually help people? Like, oh, I don't know, single payer? We sure are smart to have 9 unelected, black robed tyrants, running our "democracy".

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, we have Grover Norquist running our economic policy.

    • tessiee

      "We sure are smart to have 9 unelected, black robed tyrants, running our "democracy"."

      I'm pretty sure the corporations run our "democracy", and the putzes in the black robes obey their overlords.

  • SaintRond

    When you cocksuckers won the Civil War, you didn't take into account that Dixie people have way more babies than up North… Way more… They're always fucking pregnant. And now the chickens have come home to roost, because now you're ass deep in these goddamn people.

    And that's why it's all totally fucked. Totally, completely, thoroughly fucked. There's no hope at all. Everyone in the US is going to die in penury while your taxes, instead of going to education and rocketships and tasty sandwiches for the poor, will be funneled into the Drug War under President Newt Gingrich.

    So I'm out of here. I got myself a visa to Brazil and I'm ready to use it just as soon as Newt gets sworn in, because at least in Brazil they have these big asses that seem to defy gravity, sticking up toward the sky to pay their respects to their Maker and you can ride on them like a cowboy singing Hopalong Cassidy favorites., because even my beloved Mexico City is too goddamn close and when it detonates, as I pray it does really, really soon, the shit shrapnel is going to get flung all over everything from north Canada all the way down to Central America. So I'm out'a here. I hate you one and all. Goddamn your eyes.

    Peace… God bless…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Um, fap?

    • Master Janitor V572
    • prommie

      Yup. You hit it. Southroners.

    • DahBoner

      Let us know how a "yankee" (yes, they can tell by your accent, the way you walk, the clothes you wear) survives in a favella, because you can't afford to live on the beach with the ultra-rich…

      • SaintRond

        Fuck the super rich. Favellas are fine with me. My brother died in this favella in Rio called Rocinha a couple of months ago. He liked it lots, enough to spend the rest of his life there anyway.

        All I need in this world is the babe, the dog and the motorcycle. And cigarettes too. And olive oil is nice… And cheese… Never forget the cheese… Cats and parrots are nice… And a little dope… And food that hasn't been worked over by chemists… You don't need a billion dollars to hook up with that.

        And I look totally third world too. When I was a waiter, when I wore sunglasses the Latins would speak Spanish to me, the Arabs would speak Arabic… I look more Latin than a Brazilian. And I never walk. I skip… Like an Egyptian.

        • DahBoner

          Most Brazialians look black.

          The weed is crap, compared to Cali.

          Good olive oil–not available.

          Good cheese–not available.

          American cigarettes–not available.

          Organic food–not available.

          You can actually live cheaper here, in certain parts of America.

          Kidnapping much less prevalent here.

          Now, their healthcare is better, their asses are phatter, and I'm sure the tropical fruit is tastier, but say goodbye to juicy North American apples, pears, blueberries, the list goes on and on…

          • SaintRond

            I like blacks and think they look yummy.

            I prefer injectables to weed.

            I refuse to believe they don't have olive oil.

            No cheese? Jesus.

            I'll smoke foreign cigarettes. Fuck it.

            Organic food nod available? Then I'll just eat meat.

            Nobody kidnaps a man with no shoes who's carrying a chicken. That's my secret to living in Mexico. I try to look like the poorest of the poor.

            I've got a lot of money.

            I can do without North American fruit if the trade is for a big, gravity defying Brazilian ass.

          • GOPCrusher

            "Nobody kidnaps a man with no shoes who's carrying a chicken" would make a great bumper sticker slogan.

          • How do you feel about wax?

          • SaintRond

            I was just having a conversation about that stuff. I think the whole thing about that stuff is to turn guys on who have pedophiliac tendencies.

          • That's what's great about being a shark, it's like your whole body is waxed automagically for your entire life!

            (Also, I'm pretty sure I can make my own cheese, send your address and I'll mail you some.)

    • Antispandex

      I never did get why Mississippi gets the same amount of senators as Louisiana. Have you had gumbo in Mississippi?

      • SaintRond

        I've never been to the South, except to Miami once and that doesn't count. I've always looked at the South as being like North Korea or something. It seems very unappealing. The only way I'd consider going is flying over at 20,000 feet to bomb it like we did Japan in WWII, but that's about the extent of it.

    • tessiee

      Dumb is bad.
      Mean is bad.
      Dumb and mean is very bad.
      Dumb and mean with power over people like us is very very bad, indeed.
      But, it's my country as much as it is theirs, if not more so, and my big, gravity-defying ass and I will be damned if we vacate for the convenience of a bunch of redneck bible thumpers.

      • SaintRond

        I can't do it anymore. I can't share space with them. I can't have my life defined by a bunch of Confederate shitheads because they aren't worth it. I want to be surrounded by nice people for instance, people like Brazilian women with their private parts raised up really high in the air, just for me… And nice conversation and laughs that aren't mean. I want little woodland creatures to feel comfortable with me, and that can't happen when I'm in a state of constant conflict.

        Fuck the US. A meaningful life can't be had simply by being in opposition to a bunch of venal imbeciles who fucking live with you! I don't want to fight the Civil War again. The North was almost as disgusting as the South. Fuck it.

    • tessiee

      "they have these big asses that seem to defy gravity, sticking up toward the sky to pay their respects to their Maker and you can ride on them like a cowboy singing Hopalong Cassidy favorites"

      You're R. Crumb??

      • SaintRond

        We share certain predilections, yes.

    • 102415

      I spent some lot of time in Brazil nice country but Portuguese is one tough fucking language. Have fun.

  • I guess the originalists win. We are back to the concept of being ruled by rich white guys and everyone else being second class (or lower) citizens.

    • Master Janitor V572

      It's okay, though, 'cuz they're all Catholics this time.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        What could possibly go wrong?

        • DahBoner

          Nobody EXPECTS the Spanish inquisition…

  • I wish I had such a name as Kaia Mursi

    • Chichikovovich

      I want to meet the sisters of Mursi.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Careful, they're corrosive.

      • SorosBot

        Well my brother teaches at a Catholic school they officially run and the principal is one of them, though why you'd want to meet them I'm not sure.

        • Master Janitor V572

          Not those Sisters of Mercy…these.

          • SorosBot

            (I know, that was the joke)

          • Master Janitor V572

            I’m a Master of the Obvious…

    • kaiamursi

      I wish I could take pictures of birds and shit.

      • You totally can!
        All you need is:
        1. Camera
        2. Birds (You might have some even hopping around in your yard)

        Now take the Camera and point it at the birds and start taking pictures.
        You did it!

      • tessiee

        "birds and shit"

        Why limit your picture-taking to just two things?

      • Wait, you're Cindy Crawford's daughter, aren't you?

  • Enough of this government-run tyranny

    Government run tranny? There can never be too many government run tranny hookers.

    • DahBoner

      Government Surplus Tranny???

      • Joe's Army and Navy store would get a lot more popular.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Barry O. did his best "house ni**er" impression to steer the legislation towards maximum corp profits, Thomas will do his best "house ni**er" impression to maximize his own profits, win-win.

  • edgydrifter

    Thing is… the individual mandate is a huge windfall to big pharma, the healthcare industrial complex and multinational insurance conglomerates–all the folks Republicans ordinarily pander to, in other words. And if it hadn't been proposed by President Notwhite they'd be all for it.

    So there's the right's dilemma: how to be rabidly against a corporate wealth grab now because they can't bear Obama "winning" anything, while leaving the door open to support the exact same thing if/when Obama leaves office.

    I'd love to laugh and say "good luck tap dancing on that landmine, assholes," but we all know the right's base is so myopic and thick-headed that it doesn't matter at all what's done now. History will be rewritten, and the bits that aren't rewritten will be forgotten. Fucking hell.

    • fuflans

      right this is what mr fuflans keeps saying – a bunch of corporate lobbists are going to be lobbying FOR affordable care. and scotus is going to have some seriously conflicted members.

      still, i can't imagine any of this will work out well for most of america.

      • DaRooster

        I do believe that SCOTUS has seriously conflicted members already… well a couple of confused dicks anyhow.

  • Chichikovovich

    ‘government-run mandate,’

    Câlisse. A mandate is an order or authorization. It isn't something that can be run by a government, or by anything else for that matter. So "government-run mandate" makes no sense. Doesn't matter – each component apparently gave the willies to some large subset of several Luntz focus groups, so slap 'em together! I expect soon we'll also be hearing about the evils of "Saul Alinsky style government oppression" and "an unconstitutional concern for promoting the general welfare."

    Because let's face it, Four Horsemen II (=the reincarnated corpses of McReynolds, Butler, Sutherland and van Devanter) have a tough task ahead of them. Not only do they have to keep Kennedy on board, but they also need to write an opinion that states clearly that Obama's health care plan is the most unconstitutionalist thing ever, but that it is also completely different from Titan of Free Enterprise Mitt Romney's, and that the Romney plan is absolutely peachy. And they have to make at least some effort to display a fig-leaf concern for written law and precedent, even though they couldn't give two craps about that, any more than they did in Bush v. Gore.

    • tessiee

      "they also need to write an opinion that states clearly that Obama's health care plan is the most unconstitutionalist thing ever, but that it is also completely different from Titan of Free Enterprise Mitt Romney's, and that the Romney plan is absolutely peachy"

      Because of, you know, the skin color.

  • SorosBot

    The lobbyists are trying to appeal to the conservatives by claiming the health care reform is government "overstepping its bounds" and "invading’ the lives of the private citizen"; yet Scalia and Thomas have already tried to rule that invading the lives of private citizens is perfectly legal when it involves a citizen with a vagina controlling her uterus, or what and with whom citizens can use their genitals.

    • tessiee

      "invading the lives of private citizens is perfectly legal when it involves a citizen with a vagina controlling her uterus"

      Vagino-Americans aren't people; they're dirty, dirty whores who have no other aim in life but to murder the precious sperm babbys.

  • Generation[redacted]

    You know the old saying: "It is better to die free a slow painful lingering death while you watch your family driven to bankruptcy, than to live a long healthy life without such worries and pay an extra 5% top marginal tax rate."


  • BornInATrailer

    Damn Activist Judges! Wait, I haven't been hearing this actually.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is one of those irregular verbs:

      I'm a Constitutional Strict Constructionist.

      He/She is an Originalist.

      They are Judicial Activist.

  • hagajim

    Health care fellatio….someone is gonna get off and we're all gonna get screwed. The End!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Yep. The best health care system in the world, hands down.

    • DahBoner

      Face down.

      In a ditch…

      • With a side order of facepalm.

    • tessiee

      USA! USA! USA!!

  • fuflans

    this makes me so fucking angry.

    this also makes me eternally grateful to my mother for being born in canada and allowing me a northern escape route.

    • Chichikovovich

      Perhaps we should form a government-in-exile until the downfall of the Harper régime.

  • True fact! Ben Franklin invented death panels.

    • Generation[redacted]

      And bifocals for which you had to pay out-of-pocket.

  • Finally, a long-awaited post about the buttsecks. And by "buttsecks" I mean: An EPIC ass-fucking of the entire nation!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Long as Ginny doesn't use that Mary Engelbreit faux-bucolic horse-shit stationery, I couldn't care less.

    • Chichikovovich

      I think she prefers Strawberry Shortcake. (or Charlotte Fraise as she is known in other parts.)

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        probably collects those awful Anne Geddes photographs of naked babies, too.

        CHILD PORN

  • sezme

    This is what the founding fathers had in mind, right? By taking away one of the only two somewhat positive things Hopey has accomplished in the last three years, the Supreme Court is striking a blow for sober second thought.

    • GOPCrusher

      Not to worry. If The Affordable Health Care Act gets ruled unConstitutional, it will only a matter of hours before they work on not only reinstating DADT, but a Constitutional Amendment abolishing homosexuality.

      • Biff

        If their performance on Citizens United can be used as a guide, the smackdown of AHCA will be so broad it will actually encompass DADT and the abolition of homosexuality.

    • tessiee

      "taking away one of the only two somewhat positive things Hopey has accomplished in the last three years"

      Wait, are they trying to make Obama look bad, or are they trying to wreck the country, and making Obama look bad is only a side benefit?

      • sezme

        These days I'm not sure if Obama needs any help to look bad.

  • owhatever

    Louise, the socialists are trying to take away our constitutional right to pay our insurance companies thousands of dollars in premiums every month.

    And, Harry, my doctor is not going to see Medicare patients any more after he gets back from his ski vacation in Switzerland that some over-regulated drug company paid for.

  • DahBoner

    Can't wait to see the expression on some Lamborgini-driving doctor, when they learn, that without Obamacare, insurance companies are FREE to outsorce his job to India or China.


  • neiltheblaze

    When the Supremes eviscerate Romneycare, will we be able to consider single payer, Medicaid for all?

    HA HA HA – no.

  • dijetlo

    Meh…Mrs Clarence Thomas and her private plan to separate the wingtards from their Ameros notwithstanding, there is serious cheddar riding on this one and it all favors approval of the mandate.

    " Justice may be blind, but damn if the bitch can't count."
    Clarence "Big Bags" Johnson, The Prophet of South Carey St.

  • mereoblivion

    The sun's gonna explode before Election Day? You really are pathetic optimists, aren't you?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow, that freedom tray is the new |||Forever Lazy, now with Spec-Tac-U-LASS™ buttflap!.

  • ttommyunger

    Toured the Mint and the Supreme Court years ago. Now I know why they both smell the same.

    • tessiee

      Minty fresh?

      • ttommyunger

        Try again.

    • Trying to choose between "old man ass" and "Old Spice".

      • ttommyunger

        Well, l for one have an old man ass, but I keep it pretty spiffy-paper alone won't get the brown out, you know. I actually did use Old Spice back in the 60's, but then I've done a lot of stupid, tasteless things over the years- drank to excess, smoked, barked at the moon, etc. No, I think it was Mmmmmmmoney.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Maybe I'm naive, but I never thought the Supreme Court would decide cases ( this or any other) based on TV commercials and public opinion polls.

    Influence of friends? Sure. Predisposed opinion based on ideology? Yes. Advertising and polling? I hope not.

  • tessiee

    You know, can I just say that that fucking fuckhead Bush got a taxpayer funded "faith based initiative" passed on the first day — THE FIRST DAY!! — of his stolen presidency, and nobody challenged the constitutionality of using tax dollars for churches; not then, not ever. Obama gets a health care program that's a watered-down compromise of a watered-down compromise, and somehow they even have to attack that.

    Seriously, I'm fuckin' disgusted.

  • Blendergoathead

    Ha ha ha, Thomas has to sit there with his mouth shut, stroking his dick for over five hours on a single issue. Maybe he'll die of boredom.

  • No Supreme Court cases challenging the PATRIOT Act, I see. That's completely conshitutionel! But this on the other hand…

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