REPUBLICAN FAMILY VALUES  10:46 pm November 28, 2011

Lady Claims Whirlwind 13-Year Romance Affair With Herman Cain

by Wonkette Jr.

How can he lose?A pretty lady claims she had a 13-year-long sexytime affair with Herman Cain, the chain restaurant executive who is apparently still running for president. Coincidentally, the lady claims Herman quit wanting to get sexytime with her just eight months ago, just before he launched his presidential campaign in May. Cain denies the sexytime, but says he knows the lady and was “just trying to help her financially,” which is a very kind thing to do! Who would not appreciate some financial help from a wealthy businessman like Herman Cain? And who among us would turn down maybe 13 years of getting busy with Herman Cain, for romantic reasons?

We just want to STOP RIGHT NOW and say that if Herman Cain quits the GOP race just because he had an affair for a long time with a lady, and was also married the whole time and also always sexually harassing his employee women, then Newt Gingrich better quit the GOP race TWO TIMES, minimum, because that’s how many times Newt Gingrich has divorced his previous wives to marry his current mistresses. And also Newt Gingrich is a CROOK, which nobody has yet accused Herman Cain of being, we don’t think?

Anyway:

The woman, Ginger White, made the disclosure in an interview with Fox 5 News in Atlanta, becoming the fifth person to accuse Mr. Cain of improper behavior. Ms. White is not, however, claiming that harassment took place. Rather, she described what amounted, in her words, to a romance.

“It was pretty simple,” Ms. White said. “It wasn’t complicated. I was aware that he was married. And I was also aware I was involved in a very inappropriate situation, relationship.”

This is some kind of election season, Jesus christ …. [NYT]

 
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{ 266 comments }

tihond November 28, 2011 at 10:48 pm

This is GREAT NEWS! FOR RICK SANTORUM!

iburl November 28, 2011 at 11:33 pm

The only good news for Santorum would be if the Koch Brothers both purchased Google and also invented and deployed an orbital mind control laser that erases the part of the brain that remembers what Santorum means.

emmelemm November 29, 2011 at 12:24 am

Maybe TPaw will jump back in!

ProgressiveInga November 29, 2011 at 7:09 am

Maybe he already has but no one's noticed.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

superdave November 29, 2011 at 10:29 am

FROTHY!

Infrogmation November 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

A big opening for Santorum!

ShitFilledExistence November 28, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Bow Chicka Wow Wow Ladeeez Man

PocketsTheClown November 28, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Smoove B will not be attendin yo reelection, my President Brothah.

horsedreamer_1 November 29, 2011 at 12:25 am

Because he was sent to Gitmo after trying too hard to steal Michelle from Barack.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

But if you want margarine, he will bring you the finest margarine the world has ever known.
There will also be peas.

flamingpdog November 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Mr. Cain went on CNN on Monday afternoon to pre-emptively address Ms. White’s claims, saying, “I want to give you a heads-up and everyone a heads-up.”

"Then I want all the womens to do a heads-down" into my crotch!

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 8:55 am

The most revolting mental image ever created (or at least of the current campaign season) is of a woman's head being shoved toward Herman Cain's crotch. Actually, just of Herman Cain's crotch. Actually, just of Herman Cain. Thanks a lot, sexual-harrassee No. 4, or whoever you are! Now I'm nauseated again.

memzilla November 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Translation: Herman Cain will run as the GOP "Family Values" candidate.

Antispandex November 29, 2011 at 12:35 am

Yeah. Because it was STRAIGHT sex. None of that homo stuff for Hermie.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 8:56 am

A wingtard last night actually wrote that "The family values stuff is out of fashion. Try to keep up." Who knew!

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 9:03 am

Valueless Voters! We do whatever Republicans tell us to do!

Swampgas_Man November 29, 2011 at 10:51 am

The "Overly Familiar" values candidate.

Troubledog November 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Sounds like he missed Rick Perry's abstinence training in school.

freddymcmurray November 29, 2011 at 3:15 am

Or didn't miss Bristol Meth's training.

littlebigdaddy November 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I was hoping the winds of Blovember would blow again!

flamingpdog November 28, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Seems like the wind #blowsalot in Blovember.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

Which will lead us right into Dick-cember.

fishskicanoe November 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Oh Jesus…

Dashboard_Jesus November 28, 2011 at 11:59 pm

hey I had NOTHING to do with this, ol Uncle Herman did this one on his OWN so he can blame his SELF!

Angry_Marmot November 29, 2011 at 3:03 am

That's what she said…

littlebigdaddy November 28, 2011 at 10:56 pm

But you know my first thought was who the hell wants to fuck Hermie.

ShitFilledExistence November 28, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Miss Piggy? No–wait..
Hitler. Final answer.

SayItWithWookies November 29, 2011 at 12:18 am

The liberal media!

An_Outhouse November 29, 2011 at 8:29 am

Someone who needs the cash.

kissawookiee November 29, 2011 at 10:30 am

Velvet-covered cement aficionados?

chicken_thief November 29, 2011 at 11:02 am

The woman REALLY wanted a job.

the_problem_child November 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm

His campaign staff would never have vetted/ put up with such crap themselves, so he must be fairly insulated from the reality of the hawt sexytime he was otherwise engaging in completely consensually but without his wife watching/ seeing/ being all over sextyfucking for 13 years? Hell, that's longer than my marriage. She never wanted to be VP or FL so it's cool.

Sparky_McGruff November 28, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Campaign staff? I think all Herman Cain ever meant to do was an extended book tour. It's not his fault that all the other GOP contenders are such weenies that the dumbass pizza guy looked good by comparison.

PuckStopsHere November 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Herm's campaign staff was out enjoying a dart (Canadian slang for "cigarette") during the 13 years this was ongoing. OMG! This is the 1,000th comment of my Wonket career!

Dok-cupy Everything November 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Herman needs to learn to keep his "campaign staff" in his pants.

slowhansolo November 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm

13 years? Gloria? G-L-O-R-I-A!?!

RadiosTyrone November 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm

You know who else liked the nigga music?
Now why don't wrap your lips around my cock?

BaldarTFlagass November 29, 2011 at 8:15 am

Herman died
For somebody's sins
But not mine.

LesBontemps November 29, 2011 at 8:54 am

Oh, she looks so good
Oh, she looks so fine
And she gonna tell the world
'Bout the sexytime

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Patti Smith fans. My people.

DahBoner November 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm

It's Herman Cain's own version of Affirmative Action for his "friends",

Who Just Happen to Be Pretty Unemployed White Women

mourningnmerica November 29, 2011 at 2:27 am

A spermative action by Herman Cain.

mayor_quimby November 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

I've been trying to figure out if Ms. Ginger White is, in fact, white. Several friends and I are unsure, but Ginger is a pretty white name, even for light-skinned Negresses from ATL.

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

Every African-American has European genes, only recently by choice.

She's got the caucasian phenotype.

Cain, obviously, has an Endophenotype, which is associated with mental illness…

NYNYNY November 28, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Am I the first one to notice there is a new way to comment? What is this? I’ll have to fill in this form each time won’t I?

flamingpdog November 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Hooray, we finally have our own, real American Pizza Affair! USA! USA!

ProgressiveInga November 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Poor Herman…..he's got so much stuff twirlin' around in his head!

flamingpdog November 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

And in his pants!

CountryClubJihadi November 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

And in the glass by the sink soaking in Efferdent.

lulzmonger November 29, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Poor Herman…..he's got so much head twirlin' around in his stuff!

CountryClubJihadi November 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Can you imagine 13 years of Pillow Blather from this moron?

PocketsTheClown November 28, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Ugh, can't unthink that. Oh it burns.

emmelemm November 29, 2011 at 12:26 am

Agreed.

Dok-cupy Everything November 28, 2011 at 11:27 pm

13 years? I hope he eventually looked up the capital of or-gazi-gazi-gazi-stan…

KenLayIsAlive November 28, 2011 at 11:28 pm

"9-9-9"

memzilla November 28, 2011 at 11:33 pm

9 accusations of sexual misconduct
9 heated denials of same
9 out of court settlements

KenLayIsAlive November 28, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Well, at least he got nine Americans on the path to prosperity.

Geminisunmars November 29, 2011 at 12:05 am

3 paying birds
2 french hands
with a blowjob and a pair free

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

But sadly for Herman, there is only one golden ring in the song, and it's the one Mrs. Cain is going to be throwing in Herman's face on the way to visit Jackal, Jackal, Shark and Cobra esq. divorce attorneys and proctologists.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:45 am

1! Bwahahaha! 2! Bwahaha! ….

SayItWithWookies November 29, 2011 at 12:24 am

In the third person, no less: "Herman Cain thought that was wonderful. Anybody who says Herman Cain can't bring a woman to orgasm doesn't know Herman Cain. The thing about pleasing a woman is, that I know Herman Cain had a good time, and if Herman Cain had a good time, then the woman with Herman Cain had a good time. It's that simple."

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

Bob Dole approves of this.

Left_Leftie November 29, 2011 at 1:06 am

No, Blitz

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 9:13 am

CCJ:

I'm betting he's more of a do'er than a talker. After a hard day at the office, giving speeches for tens of thousands of dollars each, I suspect he just got right to work.

One of the problems with these out of town affair thingies is the happy couple really can't go out – no quiet dinners, movies or the theatre.

The outside party is pretty much stuck in the hotel room. Bet she watched a lot of tv.

Since the GNoP seems to have forgiven Ole Newt for his many sins – after all, no matter what he's done in the past, he's still not Mitt – the path to (and from) Redemption Island seems clear for Mr. Cain. It will only take a dozen years or so…

MOG2410 November 29, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Hoping to be taking a dirt nap when that happens.

lulzmonger November 29, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Upfisted for metasadism!

Also, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

NYNYNYjr November 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm

He's making CEOs, Politicians, Southerners, Blacks, Republicans and men named Herman all look bad. It's time to bring out the bastard baby and be done with this, as Bieber might say.

wondering where i am November 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm

MWHNH (Men Who Happen to be Named Herman) protest!!!!!

By the way, whatever happened to that guy with the singing Hermits?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxDh2sYQRpo

ManchuCandidate November 28, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Cain! as Biz Markie
You, you got dirt on meeee but I say she’s just a friend
And I say she’s just a friend, oh Wolfieeee
You, you got dirt on meeee but I say she’s just a friend
And I say she’s just a friend, oh Wolfieeee
You, you got dirt on meeee but I say she’s just a friend
And I say she’s just a friend, oh Wolfieeee

Moonbatting Average November 28, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Ok, ladies, coming out with allegations against Herman Cain is so 2 weeks ago. We require dirt on Gingrich at the moment. Or Romney, that would be outstanding.

KenLayIsAlive November 28, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Romeny's clean. He has to be or else the circuits short out.

SayItWithWookies November 29, 2011 at 12:29 am

There was a piece today on HuffPo that flirted with the idea that Mitt's temper would be his weak point. It brought up his putting his hand on Rick Perry's arm during that debate, and apparently he once cursed out a young man who was holding up traffic to his Salt Lake City Olympics, which he'll remind you that he singlehandedly saved in case you haven't memorized that part of the catechism yet. Anyway it was soooo lamely speculative that I won't even trouble you with the link. But just because he's a robot doesn't mean he doesn't suck.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

Didn't he almost get decked on a plane by one of the bastards from LMFAO, last year, after they exchanged words? I always thought it was strange how both parties tried to play it down; it always seemed to me that there was a lot more t the story than was being told.

wondering where i am November 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off? They got into a fight with Mitt? Wish I had been there.

friendlyskies November 29, 2011 at 9:03 am

Most men are smart enough to pay off their mistresses and assault victims before the Festival of STDs that is the GOP primary. But not our Herman the Herp Sore.

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 9:17 am

MA:

Ole Newt has more dirt than a redneck front yard. The GNoP conservative "base" (it would be the fringe except that would require actually being teathered at one end) requires someone who isn't Mitt, and no matter how you spin it, even if they were separated at birth we've seen both of them in the same room at the same time.

If we are so lucky as to get Newt as the Republican nominee, I think it will be a replay of Goldwater in '64. Good Times!

chicken_thief November 29, 2011 at 11:31 am

Good point! And where's all the stories of sexitime Rick doing the deed with everyone in the state of Texas? Is he doing so poorly in the ratings that the offer of cash for evidence was pulled?

OkieDokieDog November 28, 2011 at 11:06 pm

It's really not any of are (thanx and hat tip to Skott Wawker) business what Herman did in his youth. All men sow their wild oats.

Oh, recently as 8 months ago, ya say sexytime lady? This is so our business.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:08 am

Yes. Remember, Henry Hyde admitted to his own "youthful indiscretions," I believe he called them, that occurred when he was in his 40s.

Callyson November 28, 2011 at 11:07 pm

When his new book, CEO of SELF, came out in 2001, she says Cain once again autographed it for her writing, "'Friends are forever! Everything else is a bonus.'"
I take it "friends with bonuses" is the CEO equivalent of "friends with benefits" then?

Geminisunmars November 29, 2011 at 12:07 am

She misread that. It really read "everything else is a boner." His handwriting is pretty bad.

NYNYNYjr November 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

But he is making the Repps look straighter, in general

dailyworldwatch November 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Story goes like this. Single, white female…black pizza man comes, sympathises and tries to help…affair and hump…plot is VERY, VERY familiar.

It is the 80s all over again, baby! :)

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

Except in the version I saw, the black pizza delivery guy was ripped and wasn't wearing pants.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

Bamp chicka bamp bamp!

cheetojeebus November 28, 2011 at 11:09 pm

13 years! The horror….the horror…<clothes rending>…Oh gawd, the humanity…..<quiet sobbing>

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

It's even worse than you think. In all of that eternally long 13 years, he never once, not even by accident, found a clitoris.

Callyson November 28, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Also:
Late this afternoon, Cain’s attorney, Lin Wood, sent FOX 5 the following statement:
"Mr. Cain has been informed today that your television station plans to broadcast a story this evening in which a female will make an accusation that she engaged in a 13-year long physical relationship with Mr. Cain. This is not an accusation of harassment in the workplace – this is not an accusation of an assault – which are subject matters of legitimate inquiry to a political candidate.
Rather, this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life. The public's right to know and the media's right to report has boundaries and most certainly those boundaries end outside of one's bedroom door." http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpp/news/ginger-white
OK then…where was this guy in the 90's, when the Reeps were digging into Clinton's pants? Oh, right, he was busy digging into some pants as well…

Mumbly_Occupado November 29, 2011 at 7:31 am

Or, for that matter, much more recently, when John Edwards or Anthony Weiner were drummed out of politics for completely consensual, and legal, behavior? Which in the latter case didn't even actually involve any bedrooms or actual sexytime?

Oh wait, iokiyar. I keep on forgetting.

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 9:22 am

MO:

Or Eliot Spitzer. Without the Whore Diamonds, of course.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

"iokiyar"

^
What does that mean?

ShaveTheWhales November 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm

It's Okay If You Are R.

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:45 pm

They're so thrilled you're straight, it doesn't even matter if diapers are involved.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:13 am

"alleged consensual conduct between adults"? You mean she raped poor Herman Cain? For 13 years? That bitch!

RadioYKWE November 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm

You know who else was a white, ginger?

Moonbatting Average November 28, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Roger Goodell?

KenLayIsAlive November 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Danny Bonadouchie?

ShitFilledExistence November 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Carrot Top?

GuanoFaucet November 28, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Jim Newell?

PocketsTheClown November 28, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Elizabeth not Liz: a ginge, or a white? OT: did she die?

Callyson November 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm

MaryAnn?

nonbeliever7 November 29, 2011 at 11:39 am

Yes definitely MaryAnn. You must be old too…

flamingpdog November 29, 2011 at 12:03 am

Opie of Mayberry?

Geminisunmars November 29, 2011 at 12:09 am

One of them Spice Girls?

horsedreamer_1 November 29, 2011 at 12:28 am

Bill Clinton?

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

Prince Harry? A full quarter of Ireland?

BarackMyWorld November 29, 2011 at 12:49 am

Alright, I got to break character for a minute…

I thought the joke was that the implied answer had to be somehow related to Hitler or some other historic foreign dictator, as per Glenn Beck's habit of comparing people to Nazis all the time.

Unless you're saying the Nazis were white, and you're calling me a ginger.

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

I absolutely agree. For example, if we relax the Hitler standards for the "you know who else?" threads, it will have the same destructive effect on Traditional Marriage as the existence of gay marriage in a handful of states has had. Which is, I'm assured, a helluva lot.

\nosnark{But come on now people: a "you know who else?" question must admit "Hitler" as an obvious (preferably the most obvious) answer.}

BelleSC November 29, 2011 at 10:07 am

"\nosnark{But come on now people: a "you know who else?" question must admit "Hitler" as an obvious (preferably the most obvious) answer.}"

And Palin. Also. Too.

RadiosTyrone November 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

OhMyZeus you guys, a semiotic discussion of the "you know who else" meme. Actually, it's kind of funny.
But if you're in need of a gingery nazi, Ernst Roehm would work.

Chet Kincaid November 29, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Not always. Other people have asked non- Hitler ones that are perfectly witty. You can always answer "Hitler", or "all of them, Katie", if you're not as sick to death of that as most people.

BarackMyWorld November 29, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I never noticed any before.

Limiting it to connections with Hitler/Nazis/some other historic foreign dictator preserves original intent of "Obama/liberals as fascists" logic that inspired the meme. The fun part is trying to come up with some way the topic is loosely related to Hitler/Nazis/dictators that sounds just as far-fetched as Glenn Beck, Jonah Goldberg, Laura Ingraham, etc.

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Oh Yeah? Well, that's what Hitler said too.

anniegetyerfun November 29, 2011 at 2:03 am

Maureen Dowd?

DocChaos November 29, 2011 at 3:04 am

Barry

Can't get enough of your love, babe.

Mumbly_Occupado November 29, 2011 at 7:32 am

Judas. You can look it up, if you don't believe me.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

Malcolm X… no, that can't be right…

chicken_thief November 29, 2011 at 11:27 am

Lucy? But if she fucked the Herminator she got some 'spainin' to do!

memzilla November 28, 2011 at 11:17 pm

New SAT Question:

Herman Cain:Fidelity as George W. Bush: _____________

a, Intelligence
b. Perspicacity
c. Farsightedness
d. Restraint
e. All of them, Katie
f. None of them, Katie
g. Gloria Allred on Line 1, Katie

PocketsTheClown November 28, 2011 at 11:28 pm

h. Truth.. ity… er..est.

RadiosTyrone November 28, 2011 at 11:36 pm

i. Becky, Becky, Becca, you can call me Stan.

Callyson November 28, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Legitimacy

Nothingisamiss November 29, 2011 at 8:30 am

I'm upfisting a lot here, but, srsly this is #winning.

Ms_Anthrope November 29, 2011 at 12:07 am

Decision-er-y

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

Any positive quality whatsoever.

Pop_Socket November 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm

When did this guy ever have time to bake some pizzas? And by 'bake some pizzas' I mean 'shag some white women'.

RadiosTyrone November 28, 2011 at 11:38 pm

And shitty ketchup and glue on wet cardboard gruel "pizza" for that matter.

fuflans November 28, 2011 at 11:21 pm

you see, 9-9-9 IS an important number for herman. it just applied to women not taxes.

ThundercatHo November 28, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Who could resist some of that sweet, thick, hot chocolate sauce that is Hermie slowly poured over a double scoop of black walnut ice cream?

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

To coin an old phrase — I just threw up a lot in my mouth.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:19 am

I just threw up everything I ate since Thanksgiving.

ThundercatHo November 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

This sounds much more enjoyable than running every morning for a week to work off those extra holiday calories. Hey, new Herman Cain wt loss plan: watch the video and lose 9lbs9oz in 9 minutes!

Dok-cupy Everything November 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm

It's really hard to determine who the greatest victim is here: Herman Cain, or my stomach.

Joshua Norton November 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Obviously, when he said he was an expert at "toppings" he had something in mind other than pizza.

Dok-cupy Everything November 28, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Even now, now, very now, an old black ram is tupping your white ewe…

Guppy November 28, 2011 at 11:28 pm

"Ginger White?" Is that her real name or her stripper name?

subsum November 28, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Bitch's settin' him up.

GuanoFaucet November 28, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Was her name Libya? Because that might explain why he knows fuck all about her.

PocketsTheClown November 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Thanks for making vodka come out my nose.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

"Libya … Libya … labia … no wait, Herman Cain has all these things twirling around in Herman Cain's head …"

johnnyzhivago November 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Nobody explained to Cain about the difference between shit and shinola.

Joshua Norton November 28, 2011 at 11:36 pm

13 years? Eeeeesh her beer goggles must be more like a welding mask.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

It was an escape from her usual hum-drum existence, she says. Herman Cain must feel so soiled and used.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:21 am

Beer goggles, my ass; she must have come tapping into the room with a white cane.
.
.
.
Hey! I made a pun!

Dok-cupy Everything November 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm

In a related story, retiring Congressman Barney Frank wondered why straight people can't seem to sustain stable, monogamous relationships like he has.

memzilla November 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Psst: Herman? Silvio "Bunga Bunga" Berlusconi might not be the best political role model for you to follow.

RadiosTyrone November 28, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Now, doesn't Mitts just seem like the all-American guy? Simply needs to get past the last lure rabbit in the race, the "just a country professor," "I've already been vetted" amphibian!

JustPixelz November 29, 2011 at 7:59 am

The party of family values will choose Newt with his affairs, three marriages, religious conversion, and career as a money-hungry lobbyist over Obama's single, faithful marriage* and uncorrupt career because Newt is:
- a fat pasty old white guy
- willing to send children into coal mines
- married to a robot
- also fat

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:24 am

Now you've gone and reminded me of my assbite former co-worker who said "he didn't like Obama's morals".

SayItWithWookies November 29, 2011 at 12:00 am

Clearly Herman Cain needs to be our next president. Anybody who can run for office now, knowing the shit's only going to get deeper and thicker, and that he's not going to have any idea why he disagreed with Barack Obama because he just can't be bothered to watch the news for the last six months, and whose tax concept came from Sim City, definitely has the character that Dubya only wished he had when that sissy handed off Iraq, Afghanistan and the economy to our current prez. Man's a fuckin' ten foot brick shithouse of lies, and that's what the GOP is built on.

user-of-owls November 29, 2011 at 12:11 am

Rather, she described what amounted, in her words, to a romance.</>

So that's what they're calling Stockholm Syndrome these days. Huh.

comrad_darkness November 29, 2011 at 9:21 am

I've seen some matchups in my day that can have no other explanation.

Geminisunmars November 29, 2011 at 12:22 am

And he thought she was a friend. Now why would a friend do him that way after 13 years of friendship? I guess last May he said to her essentially the same thing Romney said to his Gardner "Geesh, I can't have you (and/or illegal browns) around. I'm running for President after all."

MissNancyPriss November 29, 2011 at 12:24 am

What would a "romance affair" with Herman Cain look like?

ShitFilledExistence November 29, 2011 at 1:09 am

I'm pretty sure it would include the Olive Garden.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 1:30 am

Suffice it to say, it'd include tubs upon tubs of black walnut ice cream.

BlackDashboard November 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

Extra cheese, extra pepperoni, and a cheese filled crust.

chicken_thief November 29, 2011 at 11:19 am

I think we know the answer to this question: a thrusted hand up the skirt as he forces the head down to his crotch. Accompanied by words women love to hear. Like "you want a job, doncha?"

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:27 am

One can have a "whirlwind" romance that lasts for 13-effing-years? Really? Hell, that's practically a common law, sister-wife. Yet, he speaks of this woman as if she's some stray cat he found on the side of the road.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:51 am

It's how he shows his great great respect for womankind.

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 11:07 am

Perhaps "whirlwind" refers to the sexytime – not the 13 years.

Would give a new spin to "Boom Boom Out Go the Lights."

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:36 am

Speaking on Gingrich, you know what other Republican primary candidate divorced his wife after she began to age?

ShaveTheWhales November 29, 2011 at 12:39 am

This is good news for John McCain.

comrad_darkness November 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

It was probably less the age than the crippling in the car accident. But it could have been both.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

All of 'em, Katie. Too easy.

Antispandex November 29, 2011 at 12:38 am

OK, just so I understand this, she admitted it? That she had sex with Hermie? And she is a human woman, right? I have lived long enough.

KeepFnThatChicken November 29, 2011 at 12:46 am

So how much longer do I feel like putting up with these stories on Herman?

None None None.

Mumbletypeg November 29, 2011 at 12:55 am

Every time I think I'm over the pic (shown, above) of Herm covered in projectile pizza, and the pic goes away for a while but then comes back, I reverse my decision. A reliable source of giggles, that one.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:56 am

Ginger did predict that the Herman would deny her three times before his cock crowed.

flamingpdog November 29, 2011 at 1:08 am

peter libel!

phlox✔ November 29, 2011 at 1:10 am

*growed

datateday November 29, 2011 at 1:08 am

"Herman quit wanting to get sexytime with her just eight months ago, just before he launched his presidential campaign in May."

Herman Cain knows EXACTLY when to turn the brick oven off…

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 1:13 am

This is good news for Mary Ann.

flamingpdog November 29, 2011 at 1:17 am

OT, but , HA HA!!!

P.S. Brownback blowback blowsalot.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 1:32 am

That high school girl is a total boss. After having been demanded an apology, he ends up being the one to apologize. The force is strong with this human they call "Emma Sullivan."

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:16 am

Sweet. Does Brownback's apology include an admission: "And you were right. I do blow a lot."?

donner_froh November 29, 2011 at 1:26 am

He actually said that “just trying to help her financially"? Meaning he was "just paying for it."

This goes way beyond dumb and into extreme weirdness.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 1:33 am

She was just doing this to pay her way through college, right?

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:08 am

And to get money for the life-saving heart operation her young special needs child must have soon.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 10:02 pm

And get money for her sick aunt's chemo treatments.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 29, 2011 at 2:05 am

Sexytime, and "financial help". There's a word for that…

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:14 am

Institution? Prostration? Prohibition? Prestidigitation? Prostate examination? Restitution? …. No, not those…. But it's on the tip of my tongue….

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 7:43 am

That's what Berlusconi said about Ruby Marough. Sorry, Herm. Silvio kicks your ass in the bang for the buck department.

MiniMencken November 29, 2011 at 1:26 am

Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Cain, ya, damn right!

BornInATrailer November 29, 2011 at 8:26 am

Shut your mouth!

Dok-cupy Everything November 29, 2011 at 9:19 am

There's no way we can dig Cain.

Biff November 29, 2011 at 9:24 am

No one understands him but his wimmins, it seems.

bflrtsplk November 29, 2011 at 1:44 am

Let's see. Thirteen years pounding this woman plus all those other women so far and his wife, all at the same time? How many of them things he got between his legs, anyway? I mean, hoooowwweeee!

BlackDashboard November 29, 2011 at 7:12 am

A man can only do so much. I'm guessing it was a strap-on made from pepperoni he lifted from work.

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

Perhaps when he gets home he attaches himself to a viagra drip.

Dudleydidwrong November 29, 2011 at 9:33 am

"Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are… gifted?"

Troglodeity November 29, 2011 at 2:05 am

The dish just keeps getting deeper.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 29, 2011 at 2:08 am

This will not matter to Herman's backers. They really don't give a shit — and that's pretty much all you need to know about the state of the GOP today.

mourningnmerica November 29, 2011 at 2:37 am

Pictures, with tits, or GTFO.

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 7:45 am

I've seen the picture. I don't really need to see her tits, thank you very much.

freddymcmurray November 29, 2011 at 3:19 am

Didn't the GOP try to win a race in KY or TN by advertising that the black Democrat candidate was coming to take everyone's white women?

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 7:46 am

Tennessee. Harold Ford. He's a player.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

"Call me, Harold!" Classic race-baiting ad.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 29, 2011 at 3:53 am

He was just helping her out financially. You Socialist wouldn't understand, but as a good Capitalist, Herman Cain just made sure she earned every penny.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 29, 2011 at 3:54 am

You know who else had a long term mistress?

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 7:47 am

Thomas Jefferson?

not that Dewey November 29, 2011 at 8:17 am

Eleanor Roosevelt?

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

FDR also, too, tambien?

BaldarTFlagass November 29, 2011 at 8:29 am

Gertrude Stein?

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 8:50 am

Poppy Bush and "Jennifer", his mistress on the US government payroll…

VaWyo November 29, 2011 at 8:55 am

George HW Bush?

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 8:56 am

General Eisenhower?

GorzoTheMighty November 29, 2011 at 9:27 am

Anita Bryan?

Numbat_Dundee November 29, 2011 at 5:47 am

"Ginger White"? Is that a name? Shouldn't she have been named Hiswoman Able?

__kth__ November 29, 2011 at 6:25 am

At last a lady with whom Cain was successful, instead of one he merely propositioned or groped. Woo hoo Herman!

Harry_S_Truman November 29, 2011 at 7:11 am

Spermin' Herman strikes again. Did this dolt think he could keep all this out of the press? Is he really that fucking stupid?

This is just a carnival now.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

It is a testament to the ego-baggery of the man.

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Celebrity Derangement Syndrome tragically attacks even in the Corporate Pizza Community. Please give generously.

BlackDashboard November 29, 2011 at 7:16 am

"I was also aware I was involved in a very inappropriate situation, relationship. Of course, I was sad when Herman called it off, but on the bright side, I never have to listen to Herman's Barry White imitation again”

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:35 am

"but on the bright side, I never have to listen to Herman's Barry White imitation again”

Who knew it was possible to simultaneously laugh and puke?

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 7:19 am

What Newt did is different. He respected the Sanctity of Traditional Marriage by occasionally dumping the old wife for one of the serial philanderings and marrying the new model. Which is not only A-OK to the Party of Family Values, it's the new normal for Republican presidential candidates (see: McCain, John).

Bluestatelibel November 29, 2011 at 7:35 am

This is getting too easy, when are we going to start picking on Willard? I've got a ton of haptic-feedback jokes that are just sitting here doing nothing.

gurukalehuru November 29, 2011 at 7:49 am

Agreed, Bullshit Mitt is about due for another round of dog strapped to the roof of the car jokes. The magic underwear line never gets old, either.

bebecca2298 November 29, 2011 at 9:28 am

but who would have sex with Mitt?

Biff November 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

His wives?

lulzmonger November 29, 2011 at 12:47 pm

To each his own. I'm looking forward to all the "For years I made a fortune by shitcanning thousands of workers for my psychopath overlords at Bain, & now I act like my doing that was more awesome than D-Day" jokes, myself.

Mumbly_Occupado November 29, 2011 at 7:47 am

I'm actually willing to believe Herman Cain's side of things here, that he was just offering to assist her financially. Why, I'm sure he even offered to help her get a job.

outragedcitizen November 29, 2011 at 7:57 am

It is obvious that the GOP thinks the American people are so uninformed, (Faux News), and stupid, (fans of Limpballs and O'Really) that they don't even bother to vet their candidates anymore.

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

ORC:

We saw the same thing in Illinois, when Mr. Obama was running for the US Senate. His Republican opponent dropped out after news leaked that he'd forced his wife to attend sex parties.

So, the cynical GNoP'eers imported Alan Keyes to run against him. "Hey – you got a Black guy? We'll get a Black guy."

It is now obvious that's Herman Cain's appeal. Period. EOS.

This is a fascinating twist from those who consistently state they are oposed to Affirmative Action (unless it's legacy applicants getting into colleges and universities, of course – AA for white folks).

The reactionaries propped up Mr. Cain as a candidate beause he's Black. That was enough for them. Happily, it doesn't appear to be enough for anybody else.

Terry November 29, 2011 at 7:58 am

The best part about this sort of thing is listening to conservatives who pilloried Bill Clinton try to justify how when Cain cheats on his wife or sexually harasses someone that it's totally different and none of our business.

Terry November 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

You know he's not going to leave the race until the GOP puts dynomite and a crowbar under him. He's making too much money sellilng books. All the while, his wife is waiting for him to drop out so that she can file divorce papers a discreet few months later.

rocktonsam November 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

Ginger White?
Really dude?

ThundercatHo November 29, 2011 at 8:12 am

So, when Mann Coulter said that "their" blacks were better than ours maybe she really meant hornier.

BaldarTFlagass November 29, 2011 at 8:31 am

So, he scored. Ripping off the pickup line of Me-Lay Marston finally paid off for him.

Nothingisamiss November 29, 2011 at 8:31 am

The bestest was when this Ginger lady said to the Atlanta media: "Herman …well, he loves Herman ."

weejee November 29, 2011 at 8:38 am

A Blowvember pizza, but holding the sausage.

BaldarTFlagass November 29, 2011 at 8:39 am

Listen, and understand. That Herminator is out there. He can't be educated. He can't be informed. He doesn't feel scorn, or remorse, or shame. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until your wallet's bled and your girl's legs are spread.

DahBoner November 29, 2011 at 8:47 am

Meanwhile, Mary Ann is quietly living in Kansas, saving her 10 cent off coupons to use on Double Coupon day at the Piggley Wiggley.

Not jealous at all..

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 9:00 am

I think he's already screwed that pooch, so to speak, by trotting out the Mrs. back in the sexual-harassment days for a tee-vee tour about how she knew Herman Cain so well and Herman Cain would never do such things behind Mrs. Herman Cain's back.

How much of an ego-bag IS this guy? ick.

neiltheblaze November 29, 2011 at 9:14 am

How dare this strumpet get her vagina in the way of Herman Cain's penis! Repeatedly for 13 years!

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Let's have an Olympic event for that.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 29, 2011 at 9:16 am

I’ve said this before, I really feel for Mrs. Cain. She should lawyer up and take this scum sucking weasel to court and take everything but a couple of cold pizzas.

comrad_darkness November 29, 2011 at 9:19 am

Ugh, I'd really prefer to be spared thoughts of Cain and sex over breakfast. Thanks.

MzNicky November 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

Try pouring gin instead of milk over your cornflakes like I do. It helps.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

I’m beginning to think that the only reason Cain is running is to make Newt look good(less worse).

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 9:40 am

I'm no expert, but I don't think Courvoisier goes with pizza.

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Courvoisier goes with everything. As long as you're wearing a red satin smoking jacket.

Barb November 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

Ginger's a bimbo!

Tundra Grifter November 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

Is it just me, or does Duh Gov'Nuh appear to be remarkably silent about these events?

And everything else, for that matter.

Not that I'm complaining. But can it really be that her fifteen minutes are finally up?

With her shoved off-stage and Ole Newt the Republican front runner, 2012 is shaping up rather nicely.

Chichikovovich November 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

It is odd. Silence is quite uncharacteristic of her, to put it mildly. There must be some explanation for the sudden low profile…

Do you think that maybe she and Herman are playing "Michigan point guard and local sportscaster" on the sly?

franco_pinyon November 29, 2011 at 9:56 am

It's okay. This is okay. At least there were no cigars involved.

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

"Bitch set me up."

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

Bonus points if he can squeeze out a few crocodile tears.

stew1 November 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

"I must tell Jeeeee-sus"

stew1 November 29, 2011 at 10:28 am

"Bitch set me up, Jeeeee-sus"

El Pinche November 29, 2011 at 10:27 am

#1 Conservaturd retort: YOU LIBRULS ARE JUST SCARED OF HERMAN CAIN!!1!!

chascates November 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

Cain claims the 60 +messages were just his efforts to help her find a job, like his explanation about his first accuser. With the high unemployment in this country he's going to be the godfather of sexy-time!

chicken_thief November 29, 2011 at 11:15 am

Needs moar David Vitter diapers.

Polythene_Pam November 29, 2011 at 11:30 am

Does the long-time romance mistress get to stand beside him, too, during the 'forgive me' speech, to show that she, also, has forgiven him for fooling around on her with the ladies at work?

chascates November 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Just from HuffPo:
Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain told his staff Tuesday morning that he is reassessing his candidacy and will make the decision whether to remain in the race in "the next several days."

lulzmonger November 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Newt Gingrich is a CROOK, which nobody has yet accused Herman Cain of being, we don’t think?

Actually, I had heard that Cain WAS likely to wind up being investigated for being a crook vis-a-vis shady anonymous seed-capital that started up his campaign. Generic bogus rumor, or another victim of the lickspittle media lapdogs' Memory Hole?

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Or he could take Newt's shortcut and get baptized Catholic. The soul is immediately cleansed. Those old sins? Never happened. You can just never get a divorce (as if he could afford another one).

Jukesgrrl November 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Today we are all Confessing Gingers.

ttommyunger November 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

…and just as I suspected, it is a "White" woman.

Negropolis November 29, 2011 at 12:39 am

Why, that practically makes him a Democrat…and that's where the Republicans will draw the line.

Hagar7 November 29, 2011 at 1:04 am

Dude, he was helping her out. It's just that when Herman Cain helps women out, somehow his junk accidentally ends up inside them (in this case, repeatedly, and for 13 years), but, hey, the guy just loves to help out! Why are you vilifying this Good Samaritan for something he has no control over?! Helping! With his penis!

tessiee November 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

"and that's where the Republicans will draw the line."

They'll put up with an awful lot from someone who goes after the girlies, thereby leaving the rentboys available.

MOG2410 November 29, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Slow down, I'm taking notes for the final.

RadiosTyrone November 29, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Haha, you fascist mongers:
A few observations on the "ykwe?" meme:
1. The first rule of "ykwe?" is that there are no rules.
2. The answers are usually better than the question, and accordingly, typically receive more upfists.
3. It's in bad taste to answer the question yourself, Owls has lost a few feathers over that faux pas.
4. I forget what 4 was for.

Chet Kincaid November 29, 2011 at 8:09 pm

The meme did not originate with wingnut Obama fantasies, it's a verbal expression of Godwin's Law and Reductio ad Hitlerum, both of which existed long before 2008.

If we're going to make rules about this specific meme though: in my view, if the intended correct answer is a figure who is reviled or despised for some reason, it's on-meme.

At any rate, we are not the boss of Wonkette, so we can wave our Roberts Rules Of Order all day and it won't stop the pee shower.

BarackMyWorld December 1, 2011 at 12:56 pm

True dat.

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