The new Vanity Fair/60 Minutes/Dadaist survey is out! What random assortment of inanities will the American People opine on, this time? They would like to vote for Obama over George W. Bush, for one, and they also would like to replace the National Animal, the Bald Eagle, with maybe a Grizzly Bear or a catfish. Things are looking up!
If the U.S. decided to replace the bald eagle as its national animal, the grizzly bear is America’s top choice. Thirty-three percent pick the grizzly from a list that includes the turkey (16%), the moose (8%), the rattlesnake (8%), and the catfish (6%). One in five Americans volunteer that the country should keep the bald eagle as its national animal. Older Americans are the most resistant to changing the national animal, 38 percent of those over 65 say the U.S. should keep the bald eagle.
One in five Americans says the 90s was the best decade to live through, when given a range of decades from 1930 through 2010. Another 21 percent say the 80s was the decade of choice for them, while very few (3%) choose the 1940s and only 1 percent choose the 1930s. When assessed based on age, those under 30 choose more recent decades, while older Americans choose decades further in the past.
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Specism at its worst. The lowly catfish shall be vindicated!
Charismatic megafauna have ruled the heraldic animal kingdom for too long!
A catfish is a bottom-feeder whose diet consists of nothing but shit. What's more American than that?
I'm just waiting for the new opening for Colbert, with the mighty catfish swooping in majestically.
Godless killing machines, those catfish.
Maybe one of those tiny catfish in the Amazon that swim up your pee stream and burrow into your dick – "Hi! We're Americans! Try to get rid of us now!"
Them's Cock Tuckers right?
Candiru. Yet another useful fact from William Burroughs' Naked Lunch.
If I ever start a band, it will be called, "Charismatic Megafauna."
The first track of your first release should be "Heraldic Animal Kingdom".
The American people want our national symbol to be a bear? They're all a bunch of communist Russians!
Glenn Beck was right!
Stalin would be soo proud *sniff*
The national animal should be the scapegoat.
Ain't that the fuckin truth.
This!
The symbol of America should be the hippopotamus: dumb, fat and responsible for the death of more Africans than any other creature.
My dyslexia read that as "hypoteneuse." Don't ask me why.
" responsible for the death of more Africans than any other creature"
Well, only since records have been kept.
Belgian libel!
And what of the French, hmmm?
I think it should be the honey badger. Most Americans just don't give a shit.
And they're eating gross stuff, too!
And faced with the choice between being stung to death by killer bees, or continuing to gorge on monstrously high calorie sugar snacks (aka honey), they do need time to phone a friend….
You know, I finally googled that. Hilarious!
And they they think they're Bad Ass
Banana slug for new national animal or GTFO.
Have you ever seen a banana slug?
No, but I've seen a strawberry punch!
Ben Franklin nominated the turkey. Sounds right.
Didn't he also say something about how the bald eagle was a bully who stole other animals' food?
Doesn't get much more USAmerican than that!
And he wanted the great seal to show Moses parting the Red Sea, with the Pharaoh's chariots dashed by the waves.
What, no mention of the mighty buffalo? They are large, powerful, not too bright and, when panicked, entire herds of them can run off of cliffs. Perfect symbol!
Needz moar dewlap.
Heapin' helpin' of dewlap, coming up!!!
If depopulation in the great plains carries on the way it's going, they'll be running the show soon, you know-investing in gilts, going yachting, setting up lexus dealerships…all that shit…
Hellbender gets my vote. The Giant Eastern Salamander.
While all those animals can be made into a protein rich delicious meal when the correct culinary technique is employed my vote will have to go with the ever succulent Moose.
This argument is akin to the one when Bush 41 kept bitching about flag burners while the country shat the bed.
On the lighter side, this also means Glenn Beck will have new gold coins to shill.
I nominate Kortney.
Second. All in favor?
Aye.
aye
Who will think of the poor cucumbers!!!???
As they relate to her – me.
Good to see the newt is in "other" territory.
You know who else wanted to be compared to a grizzly bear?
Hairy gay guys?
Tim Treadwell?
Dan Haggerty?
Beorn?
Stephen Colbert?
Clint Howard?
Tom Bosley, best known for portraying the kindly father-figure,Howard Cunningham, on the long-running ABC sitcom "Happy Days"?
A regular bear with an inferiority complex?
Todd Palin?
Bryant "Big Country" Reeves & Mahmoud Abdul "Chris Jackson" Rauf?
Looking through the entire list of inane questions, I see that all but 15% of Americans are credulous morons who believe that alternative "medicine" can work as anything other than a placebo.
HL Mencken would be proud… (and feel vindicated..)
Yes, but don't underestimate the placebo effect. It can be a good thing.
The Cain Campaign is on record as opposing the Black Rhinoceros as the new National Animal of the Year.
Why, did he have to pay off one of them, too, for not blowing him?
Cuz it's black and horny?
Things are looking up!
You meant that in an ironic, hipster way, right?
(Eagles ♫ Soooooaaaaarrrr♪♪)
"the moose (8%),"
What, no love for Rocket J. Squirrel?
I notice they didn't ask the catfish which decade they thought was best.
(Hint: it's not this past one.)
I, personally, want Butch Otter as our national animal.
Or the sea otter. I adore sea otters.
When assessed based on age, those under 30 choose more recent decades, while older Americans choose decades further in the past.
Also found in the survey, younger people preferred the hip hop, loud music, plotless movies, and Pepsi to Coke.
Back in the 60's there was a Pepsi Generation campaign which confused me somewhat, already being from the Baby Boom generation and all.
60's libel!
The honey badger doesn't give a shit that no one voted for him.
what about Animal from the Muppets? he's a better drummer than John Bonham.
What about John Steel from The Animals? Not as good a drummer as John Bonham, or Keith Moon, or whoever, but "The House of the Rising Sun" is still a pretty cool tune.
as a musician, and a fan of The Animals, i appreciate musicians who know what their job is in whatever band they are in–The Animals didn't need him to be Keith moon, right? and i've always liked the drums in this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDiVAl4BqSk
Baby White-tailed Deer! http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/4907542...
While I applaud your choice we might seek to find a baby white tail that is not twisted into a hideous gordian knot. Poor thing. I bet his Mama still loves him (and yet cries herself to sleep after trailing off into the deep forest).
Oh he's ok, sometimes they just like to stand like that I guess.
baby raccoon? http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/4667358...
Holy shit! That was so cute the 4th grader in the apartment across the hall just spontaneously squeeee'd
DW, did you take that picture? It's beautiful.
Yeah, those are mine.
Absolutely lovely.
If it's any bear, we should get real and opt for the Panda.
Congress already does enough pandering.
Communist!
I am grateful for the explanation that younger people chose more recent decades.
I know. I'd never have gotten that otherwise.
When assessed based on age, those under 30 choose more recent decades, while older Americans choose decades further in the past.
You mean Gen Y didn't really dig the 60's? That's strange..
Seeings how the national pastime is moseying up to the fast food counter, it surprises me that the cow didn't make it. I mean the farm animal not the fatso in front of me at the counter.
Probably because you're not supposed to eat the national animal. This is why I am unable to nominate the shaved beaver.
Nor I, the sperm whale. Wait. What?
I nominate tofu. Just to punish all the well-meaning drips who ask me, when I tell them I'm a vegetarian, if I eat chicken.
You should respond,"Only live ones."
"When assessed based on age, those under 30 choose more recent decades, while older Americans choose decades further in the past."
Words fail me. How about "doh" ???
The chicken hawk! They already run the GOP.
Does this mean that if we do change to the Grizzly that legal protection will attach and, even if the bear is tearing you limb from limb, you can't lay a finger on him?
Bryan Fischer does not approve!
Dint "OMG I fucked a KNEE-gro!" copyright the grizzly thing?
Has anyone nominated the $2 waffle iron riot butt-crack woman yet?
No, Berkeley, but I've got a soft spot for UC Santa Cruz. Beautiful campus, cool students, laid – back atmosphere–what's not to love?
When assessed based on age, those under 30 choose more recent decades, while older Americans choose decades further in the past.
There is not a sigh loud enough for that sentence.
Nor any sense either. I mean, how in hell are you gonna vote for a decade that you weren't every remotely close to living anywhere near?
Funny how that works, isn't it.
I think the new national animal out to really be some fat old fuck on his/her Hoverround. People are animals AmIRight?
Yes you are. Since we know that corporations act like beasts, and corporations are people, we may logically infer that people are animals.
Ergo propter unum delicto.
This is good news for hairy gay guys.
I hereby nominate-
The Seagull… it eats garbage, hang out at the dump (Wal-Mart), craps on everything, squawks to no end, wants it all for free but will never share freely… way American.
Motion seconded! The only reason it might not be a perfect symbol is that the Seagull is graceful in flight. If they were clumsy and had persistent noisy attacks of flatus, and just sort of sat in the dumps growing abnormally large they would be perfect. Maybe the garbage dump subspecies of Norway Rats? But I don't think rats fart loudly…
Clicked through all that just to find out where sharks were on the list. They didn't even make the cut. (snif)
But they have whiskers, which as any Mark Trail fan will tell you, means trouble.
I think The Hartford should be the new national animal. Corporations are animals, my friend, amirite?
I'll believe corporations are animals when Mitt Romney ties one to the roof of his car.
Can't be the catfish. If'n it's the catfish, what will happen to this sport?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noodling
Turkeys are foul tempered, extremely violent, ugly, stupid, and are force-fed a diet that consists primarily of corn, which has the effect of making them extremely fat in anticipation of an early death.
In other words, I really can't think of a better national bird for America.
Fuck, the national animal should be a 400-pound greasy human in a flag-patterned Snuggie or "forever lazy" (look it up. Seriously.) riding on a hoverround.
Grizzly bears are too thin to represent 80% of the American populace.
No joke, I just this weekend saw a commercial for the "Forever Lazy". Holy Smokes!
I had to see it a few times before I was convinced it was really a commercial and not an SNL skit.
Comes in XXXL!1!!
I suggest the passenger pigeon. Once blotting out the skies Americans slaughtered them without thought or guilt.
The geoduck, just because.
Evergreen alum?
fruit bat.
National Animal should be the Republican.
But they're already the national asshole.
The National Animal should be the Wookie.
Both the US and the Wookie sprung from some guy's fevered (and possibly dope-fueled) imagination a long time ago.
The Wookie embodies contemporary America:
bad-tempered, absurdly inarticulate, and armed to the teeth.
Bluto Blutarsky.
You'd think the rattlesnake would have done alot better, what with all the 'Don't Tread On Me' types out there…
Why would we want a national symbol that would have us for lunch?
Ron Jeremy
Bear? Wait 'till Colbert gets wind of this.
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