gifzette daily briefing

Americans Gobble Up Lard, Lenders Don’t Gobble Up German Debt

Happy T-Day 'Murica!NEW YORK—It’s Thanksgiving in America, which can only mean one thing: giant helium balloons have taken over New York City’s 7th Avenue for the 85th annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. OK, two things actually, since Thanksgiving in America also means crazy people pitching tents outside of Best Buy.

In other news, the Eurozone is running out of things to be thankful for today after a weak debt sale in Germany saw nearly half of the floated bonds fail to find a buyer. That sign of weakness from a stalwart in the European economy was followed by news this morning that Portugal just got slapped with a junk credit rating of BBB-, a rating that is significantly worse than a 2008 tranche of adjustable rate mortgages on million dollar homes sold to unemployed grocery store checkers.

James Murdoch has stepped down from the boards of the Sun, the Times and the Sunday Times, though this largely symbolic move is the Thanksgiving news equivalent of George W. Bush posing with a plastic turkey since Murdoch remains in charge of News International, the Times holding company.

We’d missed Tuesday’s column from Dana Milbank — seeing as we generally steer clear of the Washington Post op-ed page so as to avoid even so much as seeing Fred Hiatt’s name — but it’s probably worth a read considering it prompted a rather delightful Someone Is Wrong On The Internet moment from John McCain.

Did you know the average Bush tax cut for a One Percenter is greater than the total income of the average Ninety-Niner? We didn’t! Holy god. This might help explain why people have been protesting the past few months? Maybe? [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

Related

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

286 comments

  1. nounverb911

    I just heard that Niemen-Marcus is giving a free Ferrari to the first 10 1%ers through their doors tomorrow morning.

    1. Master Janitor V572

      No, wrong, sorry. NYT informs us this morning that the 1-percenters do not shop in "Black Friday." At their paper, this is considered news you can use.

      Why do newspapers obsessively cover "news" about department store sales after Xgiving? Two reasons: (1) their advertisers demand it; and (2) the reporters can just rewrite the press releases without actually leaving their chairs. Win-win!

      1. Serolf_Divad

        The article in question helpfully links to a Wall Mart Black Friday special on blenders that are cleverly disguised to look like coffee makers (Your guests will compliment you on your shiny new coffee maker… only you will know the secret).

        1. Chichikovovich

          Man could I ever use one of those. It would perfectly complement my coffee maker that's disguised to look like a blender.

          1. natoslug

            I just cover everything with my wife's knitted oversized dildo-cozies. Much more convenient than disguising them as other appliances, and now the dildoes are much more handy (albeit chilly).

          2. not that Dewey

            It would be very embarrassing if anyone ever found out I have a toast-r-oven, which is why I have it disguised to look like a chair.

        2. PalinzADummy

          Yet Another Thing No One Will Ever Need Designed To Look Like Something Else No One (Who Doesn't Already Have Four) Will Ever Use.

          This has been YOUR edition of Mornings Up Your Butt.

          Yes, we're in a pissy mood. The firewood's wet.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Dollink! Just a month ago I was pissing and moaning about how all my wildflowers were dying from lack of water!

            Life ain't worth living if you can't kvetch about it.

          2. not that Dewey

            Okay, strike that. It just started raining, and now MY firewood is wet. The cats are all perplexed — "I want to go outside, but not in THAT. Make it stop". (they think I control the weather, and that I make it rain just to irritate them.)

          3. PalinzADummy

            Zingiber always took the rain as a personal insult. He would sit ON my feet (his 23-lb patented Butt O'Lard complete with Whiplike Tail of Mess Distraction) and HOWL right at my face, as if to say, "I thought we were FRENZ! So why for you make the WATER from Teh SKAIIIIIII!!!"

            It's raining now, and Madu(bedoobedoo) is sitting out there with the patented Stupid Ginger Cat expression on his face, as if to say "I R not dry. This R an insult." Too stupid to come in out of the rain. He has to be caught and carried in (not that he resists). Then he sits on this side of the door staring longingly out at the rain. What a doofus.

            Any gingers in your CatTribe? I find they're the sweetest, stupidest, most affectionate of the Feline Species.

          4. not that Dewey

            I've never had a ginger (cat. plenty of ginger humans.) Mrs D has always wanted one, but it never quite worked out that way. Our cats tend to choose us, rather than the reverse. My sequence of cats thus far, and their respective provenances:

            Audrey 1990 – 2004 (white w/black spots, shelter in my mom's friend's house)

            Kurt 1994 – 2010 (undifferentiated brown tiger, son of the mouser in the deli across the street)

            Boo (Boutique, Squirmel) 2002 – present (undifferentiated grey tiger, wandered across the street at dusk, ribs showing, one month old)

            Mr. Glitch 2010 – present (grey w/ white belly and face, pink pads and nose, Little Suzie's pick (and naming rights) from the animal shelter)

            If one of those big orange tigers wanders up to the porch looking for love, we'll take him.

            These cats will typically come in out of the rain, but I often have to carry them to and set them down in front of a plate of turkey in order to get them to eat it. And Mr Glitch has no sense of self-preservation. Twice yesterday we had to pull him out of the wood-burning stove.

            Here he is, ~8 weeks old, when I entered him in kittenwar:
            http://kittenwar.com/kittens/203014/

            He is ever-so-slightly winning.

          5. tessiee

            "as if to say "I R not dry. This R an insult." Too stupid to come in out of the rain. He has to be caught and carried in (not that he resists). Then he sits on this side of the door staring longingly out at the rain"

            One of mine, who has since gone on to her reward, used to sit in the water dish (what? for the love of god, why?), and then cry because her butt was wet.

          6. PalinzADummy

            She was a ginger? Ginger females are VERY rare (about 10% of all ginger cats are female), and very odd. Not very female-like at all in their behaviours. But then ginger cats are pretty fucking odd disirregardless.

            Sitting in the water dish is quite something, though. Zingiber never did that. But he did run away from his kibble, if it moved while he was eating it.

      2. tessiee

        3) Since everybody is sitting around eating turkey and watching football, it's not like there's anything interesting to report.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Unless you get the Florsheim Shoe Recycled version (which Chichikovovich assures us tastes like McRibz!), I reckon you're far better off eating the fucking turkey. Unless, of course, the turkey in question is one of yon Republican contenders, in which case, it's a fair bet you'll kack within minutes of chomping on 'em from the abundance of toxins, venom, and sheer unadulterated crassness in the first bite.

          2. poncho_pilot

            i choose option D) tofurkey. if i have to choose–although that can be rubbery, too. eating Rage-infected Republicans can give you an ulcer and make you believe in Corporate Jesus. money lenders, money launderers.
            po-tay-to. po-tah-to.

          3. PalinzADummy

            Some of the extended familial units are vegetarian and some vegan, and I often make them a vegetarian thanksgiving meal, but tofurkey offends my sense of rightness. Tofu is a beautiful thing, tofurkey is an insult. Most western vegetarian food is not very good (unless you're cooking out of Moosewood, which is pretty damn fantastic, mostly, but very not-American-influenced). Indians do vegetarian like nobody, because they've been doing it for six thousand years, or sump'n.

          4. poncho_pilot

            fair enough and i agree about Indian food. i'm neither vegetarian or vegan. vegan food makes me not want to eat ever again. sorry if that offends anyone. and i'm just not a fan of turkey. what can i say? i'm a pinko-commie libunatic! my sense of rightness allows for tofurkey. it's been a tradition for eight years or so. well…not this year. the spouse and i didn't care enough so i made green chile stew and sweet potato pie instead.

          5. PalinzADummy

            Totes agreement. Turkey is not very edible in its NuyoAmericano form. A giant mass of rubbery birdflesh. Makes me feel like I'm eating the last pterodactyl, or sumpn.

            Yay for the green chile stew, and definitely for the sweet potato pie!

          6. not that Dewey

            Did you ever see Molly Katzen's cooking show? She totally undermined my pitch for a teevee show called "The Mad Chef", in which an obviously psychotic chef would set out to prepare dishes with little or no intervention from the producers. Sometimes food would get made, sometimes it wouldn't. Sometimes there would just be batter all over the set and the cameras, insane muttering, and broken dishes everywhere.

            But then she came along and made all that unnecessary.

          7. PalinzADummy

            Now I *really really really* want to see Molly Katzen's cooking show.

            Although watching Julia Child mutter drunkenly on set was quite the edification, aka, why cook when sober? A sober Thanksgiving was had, and many thanks were given. But if you ever want to do a cooking show, I'm available. I put chopped tart cherries, soaked in brandy, into the potato/sweet potato saute, along with some nicely defatted prosciutto nuggets, and the marriage of sweet/salt was heavenly! I'm trademarking the recipe along with my Onion Jam (good for pork chops!).

          8. PalinzADummy

            Fabulous. One of the exes (who is a professional chef) is good buddies with the professional chefs at Greens, and I used to get taken there of an occasion to get stuffed up with Truly Fabulous Food. Makes me regret kicking that one out of bed. Briefly.

          9. Chichikovovich

            I can't take credit for that. I believe it was McRibzgood Baconzgood. I was just incorporating that vital information into my post-apocalyptic [i.e. Michele Bachmann first term] survival plan.

          10. PalinzADummy

            Right. (looks around nervously)

            Just remember, when it comes time to chow down on legs that might be floating by? Mine's the brown one with the metal knee (don't bite on that) and ntDewey's is the one with a missing piece on the calf. You don't want to just randomly chew down on people you might not even, you know, know socially, or anything like that. Dreadful faux pas.

          11. poncho_pilot

            just as long as no one removes someone's McRib with the intent on creating a female partner. what you end up with is just a McRib Golem. not sexy at all.

          12. PalinzADummy

            No. Decidedly notsexxxay. She would taste like a recycled Florsheim shoe (or so says Chichikovovich. Or maybe Baconzgood. I forget which one of those moral reprobates it wuz).

          13. chicken_thief

            I've always been torn over whether to serve red or white wine with footballs – suggestions/comments welcome!

          14. Chichikovovich

            To judge from the saturation commercials every timeout, it seems you are supposed to serve the crappiest mass produced beer you can find, manufactured (the commercials also appear to be suggesting) out of the urine of draft-horses.

          15. poncho_pilot

            if it comes down to eating footballs i think one might be forced to drink their own urine as it might be the closest relative of potable water you'll find post apocalypse. well, that and the blood of other humans. or draft horses.

        1. KeepFnThatChicken

          Football? What's that?

          (Sorry, I don't abide by football. And to those who do, you have my permission to get bent.)

          1. tessiee

            "Football? What's that?"

            Don't ask ME, I don't even know what end of the racket you're supposed to hold!

          2. KeepFnThatChicken

            That's one fast reply. I take it that Wonkette & Facebook is cheaper than antipsychotics, while the game is goin' on and no one's saying a god. damn. thing. to each other after chowing down, eh?

    2. Walkinwiddaking

      If I have my manservant wait in line at Neiman Marcus can I still be considered a 1 percenter?

          1. PalinzADummy

            If you haven't already seen the film, I highly recommend it. The direction and camera-work are excellent, the acting is superb. Dirk Bogarde is just fantastic, I don't think I even appreciated him until about a decade ago. The film is absolutely CREEPY in the best way. Bizarre, sinister, and not for the squeamish.

            I squeamed.

    1. memzilla

      I can't remember the silent film the scene is from, but I remember the scene vividly:

      Young woman, Clara Bow type, dressed like a secretary, purseful of marks, slowly edging her way forward in a line outside of the butcher shop. As she edges forward, the butcher periodically comes outside, erases the prices, and chalks up higher ones. It's a race!

      By the time she gets to the door, the price is higher than the marks she has, and she just gives a sigh, shakes her head, and walks away dejected.

      Which is why I lurv OWS.

      1. user-of-owls

        You laugh, but my Argentine friends have told me that this was exactly what happened every time they went to the store, grocery or otherwise, during the economic collapse in 2002. The way they tell it, the stores quickly gave up writing prices down and instead hired young women to perch near the front with a microphone and blurt out the minute-by-minute prices for the canasta basica (basic food basket). Why young women? They seemed to be less inviting a target for shoppers' wrath. But just in case, they sat in wire cages.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Quick, grab a one Euro note while you still can, they're about to become as rare as speakers of Esperanto.

    3. MiniMencken

      Und I still haf a hundert millionen mark note from when my grandfather was in Weimar Germany in 1923. Gut zeitsen, gut zeitsen…

    4. Negropolis

      They better be careful. If prices get too high, they might start paying in surveyor's marks…and maybe in some Iron Curtain Czechs.

  2. memzilla

    Principal / Principle Zen Moment: I've always been amused that the financial institutions who base their existence on the one have none of the other.

    1. SexySmurf

      If I didn't know better I would think someone from News Corp. hacked into Wonkette. But that would be silly.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Thankfully, the Murdoch family remands in absolute control of all their American holdings, so we know nothing like that could possibly happen.

  3. SexySmurf

    crazy people pitching tents outside of Best Buy.

    Sounds like someone got the extended warranty (if you know what I mean).

    That's a dick joke in case you don't know what I mean.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      If people are really pitching tents outside of Best Buy, they need to be pepper-sprayed immediately! #OBB

  4. CliveWarren

    Sasha Obama seems to be the only sane person in that turkey-gif at Gifzette…
    The "What The Fucking Shit Is Going On Here"-look on her face gives me hope…

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Did the rEVOLution blimp make the Macy's Parade?

    I can't think of a better cartoon character, unless it is Santorm. And, ooh. Don't want to see a balloon of that.

    1. tessiee

      "Santorm. And, ooh. Don't want to see a balloon of that"

      I thought the purpose of balloons was to prevent santorum??

  6. sbj1964

    The right wing Republican elites want to refer to the 1% as Job Creators? Really, Job creators ? The 1% is failing miserably. So where are the JOBS ? Why not call them what they really are? Aristocracy. American Corporations are sitting on over 2 trillion in profits,but would rather put it out in manipulated stock dividends than invest in their own country a short term greedy strategy. They know when they run a company into the ground;the Republican party will be there to bail them out with money from the middle class that are now out of work because of they're incompetence.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I can't remember which robber baron it was who said (something like) that the best way to get good work at low wages from your workers was to have a long line of unemployed at the door. The contemporary Job Destroyers are looking for that paradise for bosses: pay just a hair above starvation wages to workers who are desperate to get even that. Fire 'em if they ever get sick, or get injured or just look at you funny. Or you just get a kick out of firing people every now and then for no reason.

        The difference between now and then is that even Jay Gould and Big Jim Fisk, for all of their sleazy dealings with Tammany Hall, didn't manage to get the government to shovel taxpayers money into their operations every time they made a misstep. That's the difference between the Robber Barons of the old days and the Robber Kings of today.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Haha! I used to work for a very well-known corporation that routinely fires the bottom 10% of its workforce annually. Regardless of how good they are by objective standards. The argument being that they're culling the bottom of the herd. It's all well and good till you find yourself in the bottom 10% for reasons outside your control.

          1. not that Dewey

            See? Job Creators. If they hadn't fired those 10%, that many more people wouldn't be able to take over their jobs at half the pay!

          2. PalinzADummy

            Here's the haha part. I kept telling my colleagues we needed to unionize, and they kept saying (libertarians to the last noodlehead) that we were educated, white-collar workers who didn't NEED unions. Then we found out that our company was one of the biggest supporters of the H visa program, and they were hiring all these engineers from India and Russia (where there is free tertiary education for the deserving) at about half our salaries, and our remaining job was to train them to take over our jobs so the company could boot our overpaid asses out the door.

            So the funny!

          3. PalinzADummy

            Individually, they were really nice people (our replacements), although they seemed puzzled as to why the US government wasn't offering its citizens a free tertiary education, like their, much poorer nations. And, of course, they were all frighteningly overeducated. Double masters in math and chemistry with an MBA and a PhD in computer science, that sort of thing. Appallingly overeducated for their own economies, of course, which makes you wonder if education itself isn't a massive conspiracy.

          4. tessiee

            "Individually, they were really nice people (our replacements)"

            I remember once talking to "Sean" (yeah right) in Mumbai, and he said that some people who called got mad at him because the call center took jobs away from the US. I would hope I'm more inclined to blame the people who actually created, and profit from, the situation.

          5. PalinzADummy

            I used to be a jerk and get mad at them too, until it dawned on me (finally) that my employers hadn't moved my job there for shits and giggles, or to benefit the poor yob who was on the other end of the phone.

            Of course, our OligarchicOverlords weren't quite so blatant about it back then, either. They've gotten head-rollingly cheeky of late.

          6. tessiee

            "I used to work for a very well-known corporation that routinely fires the bottom 10% of its workforce annually."

            I personally know of one that routinely gets rid of employees when they get close to retirement age by "eliminating their positions". Once the offending old fart is out the door, the positions mysteriously get reinstated.

          7. PalinzADummy

            Oh yes. Mysteriously reopened headcount. I love that.

            Or when they openly lay a paper trail for those employees they want to get rid of. I will say that one particular SillyValley giant (fortunately) had a habit of firing managers instead of lowly workers, which was great for us workers, but to their surprise, they had a perennial shortage of managers.

          8. Chichikovovich

            When I hear stories like this I always wonder how many of the top 10% of their workforce leaves annually because they are good enough to get lots of other offers and they find it intolerably unpleasant to work in an environment designed and run by sociopathic assholes.

            I have a hunch that that factor isn't taken into account in their management studies.

          9. Jukesgrrl

            I spent 18 years at a Fortune 100 and one thing I learned beyond the shadow of a doubt: the personal characteristics most likely to move someone up the ladder in a corporate setting are considered to be pathological in everyday interpersonal relationships.

            Example: Of all the managers I ever had, the one who was promoted the most times most quickly (and was eventually snapped up by Jack Welch's organization — ha ha) had the worst case of attention deficit disorder I have ever seen in a functioning adult. No way did this guy EVER consider all possibilities in making a decision. 1. He didn't know what they were since he never listened for more than five minutes to anyone who worked for him, and 2. he was incapable of thinking an issue all the way through. Every decision was made on the fly without full consideration — yet he was thought to be a genius. He WAS good looking, quite the talker, and very athletic. Those characteristics — and his complete faith in his own infallibility — made him a hale fellow well met and everybody bowed down to him.

          10. ManchuCandidate

            I think he became my CEO… and then totaled the company.

            The GE-niuz I worked for bragged about running marathons and only getting 4 hours of sleep a night (just like Napoleon!) Lots of eye rolling and snickers about "size" issues. Problem was the guy had no GE-niuz for the actual nuts and bolts of operations and made poor decisions probably because he never got enough sleep.

            Now all he does is write articles in the Wall St Journal demanding that jerbs should be created for "talented" people (ie: him.) Loser.

          11. Jukesgrrl

            My guy couldn't write letters — or anything else. In fact, writing his correspondence (that he never once checked over) was one of my jobs. I'm surprised he could spell his children's names. Once when I prepared testimony for him to read before Congress, I joked with my friends that I gave him a piece of paper that said, "Does anyone have any spare Springsteen tickets?"

        2. tessiee

          "I can't remember which robber baron it was who said (something like) that the best way to get good work at low wages from your workers was to have a long line of unemployed at the door"

          "I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half" — Jay Gould

    1. tessiee

      "The right wing Republican elites want to refer to the 1% as Job Creators? Really, Job creators ? The 1% is failing miserably"

      We've been living in Bizarro Land since the Reagan Empire. Up is down, black is white, dismantling unions is standing up for the worker, and sending jobs overseas is creating jobs.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I'm beginning to think it happened long before Reagan. Reading Gettleman's Vietnam and America: A Documented History, and the brazen lies of the State Department leave me gasping. These assholes flat-out LIED to the American people, REPEATEDLY, about EVERYTHING. EVERYthing. And as bad as they were, the US military was even worse (at least the people at the top).

          1. PalinzADummy

            Among them, one George Herbert Walker Bush. Li'l Georgie didn't get ALL his crazies from his crazy mama. How do these people sleep at night? How do they live with these endless lies on their conscience?

            I know, WTF am I talking about, they don't *have* a conscience.

          2. Jukesgrrl

            I know. I stressed so much about Valerie Plame, if for no other reason than that they placed the mother of two small children in absolutely needless peril. Then one day I thought, "These are people who murder other humans "just in case." Why would I NOT expect them to behave this way?

  7. ManchuCandidate

    What I'm thankful for? In no particular order:

    Few if any Paultards (as fun as they were they were fucking draining)
    Friends
    Family (sometimes)
    Sometimes reason wins over greed
    Finding ways to remain sane in an insane world
    The intertubes (more than just porn, but not much more)
    Good health
    Good booze
    Good food
    Realizing that my 1st World Problems aren't a big deal

    1. Grief_Lessons

      Plus, you may be a Canadian who fucked off work to get loaded and watch football on American Thanksgiving.

    2. chicken_thief

      Excellent list! Might I add that I am thankful that of the handful of GOP candidates that the Lord chose to speak to personally, I am thankful that he left the Grifter Queen off the list of Chosen Ones. Is He saving some comedy for 2016? Who knows?!

  8. Bluestatelibel

    Speaking of our beloved 1% and global economic disasters, I'm reminded of Charlie Rose's recent interview of Warren Buffet. The more dire the economic picture Charlie painted, the more Buffet was giggling like a school girl. It sent a chill down my spine, because I have a feeling these 1 percenters are psychopaths at heart, or are compensating for some severe childhood abuse or neglect. There's a decent chance it could all end up for badly for them, so let them laugh I guess.

    1. Biff

      A bad day for a 1%er would still beat the best day life I could ever dream of, so pretty much, just fuck them.

    2. Negropolis

      Buffet, like any good zillionaire, knows how to profit off both the good and bad times. I think the difference is that he never murdered in cold blood his conscience in its crib, if even he keeps it just slightly out of earshot most of the time. You can't grow up in a place like Omaha and have some kind of grounding force. The Heartland gets a lot of shit for being what it is, but it ain't the South, let me tell you, in terms of its ideas of wealth distribution and work ethic.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      I think they look at life as a game. A game they know they're winning so why not laugh. A few of them have enough of a conscience to tip the waitstaff and croupiers, but not enough of one to actually share. Buffet is a great example. He's doesn't feel the need to leave his entire fortune to his kids, he's giving most away Carnegie-style, yet he feels the need to continue amassing it.

      Example: When his Geico customer service center in Tucson got the best results of any of his centers nationwide, Buffet made a personal trip here to thank the workforce. And how did he do that? He hired a Dairy Queen truck to accompany him and let all the workers choose the ice cream treat of their choice to enjoy in his presence. No bonuses. No promotions. Dilly Bars. And daddy will go home with another pocket full of cash he will later bequeath to someone he never met.

      1. Negropolis

        Example: When his Geico customer service center in Tucson got the best results of any of his centers nationwide, Buffet made a personal trip here to thank the workforce. And how did he do that? He hired a Dairy Queen truck to accompany him and let all the workers choose the ice cream treat of their choice to enjoy in his presence. No bonuses. No promotions. Dilly Bars. And daddy will go home with another pocket full of cash he will later bequeath to someone he never met.

        You know, I've heard him doing stuff like this, and I've always wondered if it was him being consciously greedy, or if he belives in his heart-of-hearts that this kind of creative surprise is better than a monetary treat? My gut tells me that he just doesn't get it. My head says that he's as cynical as the rest of them, and its his way of appearing like a magnanimous grandfather/parental figure, but also a way of saving his pennies.

      2. tessiee

        "Buffet made a personal trip here to thank the workforce. And how did he do that? He hired a Dairy Queen truck to accompany him and let all the workers choose the ice cream treat of their choice to enjoy in his presence. No bonuses. No promotions. Dilly Bars."

        ^
        This? This right here and stuff like it? Is why any workplace that says they're like a family is a big, giant, red flag. "Family" means they think they're the parents, you're the child, and that envelope you get every other Friday is your allowance, not money that you, an adult professional, earned for work you did. I already have one dysfunctional family, I don't need another one in charge of my livelihood.

  9. paris biltong

    I believe I make this comment every year, but one thing I give thanks for is that there is no Thanksgiving in these part.

  10. Troubledog

    I, for one, am thankful for our financial overlords as I once again have availability to perform various antics or gray market tech projects on their behalf, beginning around Dec 19th or so.

    Just hit me up here and we'll get busy.

  11. Schmannnity

    And at 2:16 pm on Thanksgiving, Chris Christie has just started in on his third turkey and second gallon of mashed potatoes.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why do you think Christie supports Romney? It's because he knows that without socialized medicine, no one is going to insure him. Under the rest, his ass will be on an ice flow so fast it won't know what hit it.

      1. tessiee

        "Why do you think Christie supports Romney? … socialized medicine"

        Well, that, and the weekend in the hotel room, er-uh, comparing ties.

    2. chicken_thief

      You have to admire his restraint. Maybe this year he won't need the state chopper to airlift him to the couch to nap/watch a little football between sittings.

      1. not that Dewey

        No, on Columbus Day you're just supposed to cut off their hands and rape them. At least in my family.

          1. user-of-owls

            The Wampanoag did, though. They just wouldn't share it with the filthy dago. And that's why America genocided the Indians.

            That's what Bachmann told me anyway.

          2. not that Dewey

            The Europeans at that time were still suffering under the delusion that "protein gets out protein".

        1. user-of-owls

          That's just a vicious rumor designed to discredit the Indians that was invented by Taliban Casinos, LLC. For obvious reasons.

  12. Lucidamente1

    Let me interrupt my drinking long enough to say: I'm thankful for Wonkette, its writers and its commentariat.

  13. Chichikovovich

    " Thanksgiving in America also means crazy people pitching tents outside of Best Buy."

    Bring out the pepper spray!!!

  14. SorosBot

    Semi-OT, but this headline shocked me today; that Occupy Wall Street has gotten support from, of all 1%-er celebrities, Miley Cyrus. It looks like she's getting political – and against the right-wing views of Billy Ray.

    1. SexySmurf

      Not that surprising. Her paternal grandfather, who she was very close to, was a big muckety-muck in the Kentucky AFL-CIO for many years.

      Don't ask me why I know so much about Miley Cyrus.

        1. Negropolis

          Kathie Lee Grifter has a way of burrowing into the American consciousness. Regis got rid of her and she still wouldn't go away, bless her heart.

          1. flamingpdog

            True fact. I have a picture of Kathie Lee Gifford in my senior year high school yearbook. She had a folk group in high school named Pennsylvania Next Right that came and performed at my high school during the school day one day when I was a senior (out of class for everyone – Woo hoo!).

    2. Negropolis

      Not much of a surprise. Not sure how I know this, but she came out for gay marriage some months back. I'd always assumed she was just like most other young people, regardless of where they live, and by that I mean more liberal than their parents.

  15. Chichikovovich

    "Portugal just got slapped with a junk credit rating of BBB-, a rating that is significantly worse than a 2008 tranche of adjustable rate mortgages on million dollar homes sold to unemployed grocery store checkers."

    Well sure it's lower but you'd expect that, since all those tranches got AAA, and they only got that because Moodys and S&P didn't have any higher rating they could give.

  16. Chichikovovich

    "Did you know the average Bush tax cut for a One Percenter is greater than the total income of the average Ninety-Niner?"

    FOX News headline: "Average Bush Tax Cut for Job Creators: More than Enough to Create One Job!!!"

    1. tessiee

      "Did you know the average Bush tax cut for a One Percenter is greater than the total income of the average Ninety-Niner?"

      Which will appear on Fox as proof that the 1% pays the 99% too much.

    1. RadiosTyrone

      The only thing worse than the 1% scum is the lickspittle's who attend to them.

      America is still a free enough country where most of its 1% earn their success–through superior productivity that benefits us all.

      If there's one thing we need it's a 300 trillion dollar unregulated derivatives market. How productive of them.

    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I thought you were fucking joking until I read it.

      Holy shit, they're not even pretending any more. It really is just "oh, fuck you poors. You're not licking the boots hard enough. That's better. Now die in the gutter."

      Ugh. Nauseating.

    1. tessiee

      "What the effing eff is a Gifzette?"

      A charming French female Gif who lives in Paris, like that movie Amelie.

  17. donner_froh

    German government bond yields hit their highest in nearly a month and world stocks held near 7-week lows Thursday

    OK, this is just a snapshot of what is happening on this particular day during the final collapse of capitalism but it shows how the entire financial edifice is underwritten by tiny amounts of capital–or, more accurately, the willingness of everyone to simply ignore that reality.

    But–does anyone really think that there is a way to deal with the coming avalanche of defaults, national bankruptcies and economic catastrophe under the present system or anything like it? Ain't gonna happen.

    However, I am thankful that for the first time in a few years I didn't burn the hell out of my hands through mishandling a 300 degree Pyrex baking dish on Thanksgiving.

    1. sati_demise

      ack. the end is terrifying. Third party derivatives in an unregulated black pool market was such a good idea.

  18. paris biltong

    Good to see a news roundup in the Wonket, where it had been sorely missed since Morning in America went out of fashion. The scariest thing on he current Gifzette is the last item about New York children going hungry. "With the number of needy families on the rise, some are pointing the finger at the economy" it reads in the source. Like the economy is some immovable abstract force. I'd say maybe something along the line of "With the number of needy families on the rise, some are pointing the finger at capitalism, now in its final stage."

    1. tessiee

      "With the number of needy families on the rise, some are pointing the finger at the economy"

      How silly. Everyone knows the poorz are poor because they don't understand good old Amurrkin values like hard work, thrift, and personal responsibility, amirite?

  19. user-of-owls

    I for one am outraged by your callous decision to run this story on Thanksgiving.

    Germans don't eat turkey!
    There's a reason we don't call it "Dankesgeben"!
    You know who else Merkel was intimate with??

      1. user-of-owls

        To be fair, by the time you get to the third generation or so, the whole "gast" designation becomes a tad untenable.

        Plus: Donner kebab?! Really?!

    1. Scottsdalian

      "You know who else Merkel was intimate with?? "

      Never use "Merkel" and "intimate" in the same sentance ever again. Ughh.

  20. DahBoner

    It's like the Buddy system.

    The next time you feel like eatting a 4500 calorie meal with 229 grams of fat, give your buddy a call.

    P.s. The first Pilgrims who came to America were FRENCH, who spoke FRENCH and probably ate FRENCH food today.

    1. tessiee

      "The next time you feel like eatting a 4500 calorie meal with 229 grams of fat, give your buddy a call."

      So that she can bring the whipped cream?

    2. user-of-owls

      The first pilgrims who came to America were MONGOLIAN, who spoke MONGOLIAN and probably ate YOGHURT in their YURT today.

      p.s. and they WALKED here!
      p.p.s. unless you're talking about those queers with the retarded hats and the white panty hose…and they ate fucking EELS!

  21. ttommyunger

    Twin ten-year old grandkids in from Tampa for the Holidays. Twenty little fingers all over everything in the house non fucking stop. God forgive me, but I'm glad to see their bony little asses heading out the door going home.

    1. flamingpdog

      Try twin almost-four-year olds. At least I convinced my daughter to have it at her house (I brought the food) instead of my oversized cardboard box condominium. Had fun, but came back home, sat down in the front of the computer monitor, and slept sitting up for an hour.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Almost everyone in here in Tucson got such a charge out of that. (We will always have our "she should resign" shitheads.) No more so that the organizers at Davis-Monthan AFB who said they expected someone from Gabby's office to show up but were stunned when they were told their invitation had been accepted by "Representative Giffords and Commander Kelly." The U of A baseball caps went over really big, too. Someone in that family is a PR genius.

  22. Negropolis

    Fourty-three million turkeys gave their lives so this one could live.

    By his gravy, we are forgiven. This is my body; eat me, he implores. Turkey-Jesus Saves! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hosannna! Hosanna in the highest!

    Thanksgiving in America also means crazy people pitching tents outside of Best Buy.

    I've seen these dudes out there, and it's not always just on Thanksgiving…

  23. datateday

    How about that guy who thinks the meaning of Thanksgiving is not to hire people until the president's out of office? Not very neighborly and giving, now is he?

  24. Negropolis

    Two more holidays left, this year: Occupy Black Friday and Occupy Christmas. This time when you sit in Santa's lap at the mall, DON'T LEAVE! Show this co-opted, corporatist puppet what it means to be naughty instead of nice. I hear the sneaky bastard is manufacturing and amassing great stocks of Weapons of Mass Destruction at his supposedly civilian factory up at the North Pole. We must fight him up there, so that we don't have to fight them down here at home.

    1. finallyhappy

      I was in the elevator with Santa the other day- I think he was Vietnamese. Most of the kids who visit that mall are Hispanic so I wondered why they hired an Asian guy.

      1. not that Dewey

        "I don't know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me."

        -Sharron "Mrs Claus" Angle

  25. sati_demise

    Alessio Rastani
    UNCONFIRMED: Two of the world's largest financial institutions are on the brink of collapse – one of them facing bankruptcy by end of January 2012. Both of these firms are heavily exposed to JUNK EUROPEAN DEBT and they are classed as TBTF. Inside sources say that a THIRD bank is also involved – and the third bank is NOT based in Greece, Spain or Italy – but in the UK. The systemic risk posed by this UK firm is estimated as MF Global x 10 – placing many hedge funds at huge risk. <—– (I have no idea whether the information is true, I cannot confirm it, but I can say it comes from reliable and trusted inside City sources. I cannot disclose any names of firms for legal reasons). My feeling is this information may be priced in since Monday's decline.

  26. GregComlish

    Dear Wonketteers,

    I was doing some personal business on the internet, when I stumbled upon a nude tumblr photo of a girl I know. She clearly consented to the photo being taken, but I doubt that she meant for it to be distributed online. Should I send her an anonymous note about this or just keep it to myself?

    1. user-of-owls

      You are fortunate that I saw your message. The very first thing you should do is to mail that photograph (and any others) to owls@user.owls.com.edu.net for expert analysis. The next thing you should do is to forward your acquaintance's home address to the same email account.

    2. imissopus

      Sometimes you just know injustice in your gut. But sometimes you want to weigh all the evidence in order to make an informed decision. Therefore, I need you to post a link to the photo before I can advise you on this moral quandary.

    3. KathrynSane

      Please send an anonymous note. Not just because it's an invasion of privacy (to put it lightly) if she didn't mean for it to be put online, but also because it's better to learn it's online through a kind note than from an employer or blackmailer or something. The internet ruins lives!

      1. user-of-owls

        That article is one heapin' helpin' of awfulness, top to bottom. As a Penis-American, I found this passage to be particularly chilling:

        By the end of an exhausting day, he was wearing gloves and a mask, wielding surgical scissors, and helping the doctors in the circumcision of boys, finishing off stitches with a snip.

          1. user-of-owls

            We'll know the answer to that if in 20 years or so the village experiences an inexplicable population crash.

  27. DahBoner

    Republicans claim we live in a post racial America, but check this out:

    White people get to buy things 364 days a year, but Black people only get ONE DAY to buy shit…

    1. tessiee

      "White people get to buy things 364 days a year, but Black people only get ONE DAY to buy shit.."

      See, white people shop like this:
      [nerdy]
      Meh meh meh..

      But black people be shoppin' like THIS:
      [cool]
      Sup, sup, sup…

  28. freakishlywrong

    Happy embarrassing, awful Black Friday, Wonkateers! Maybe the assholes that participate in this shit will all kill each other and leave us alone. Oh, and Santa? Please give me a time machine to allow me to skip the upcoming year full of bullshit, lying and assholes, aka: "Election Year".

Comments are closed.