never forget

Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction

Aw, Sasha and Malia Obama looked sort of annoyed and bored, like the rest of America, during their dad’s ritual Thanksgiving lecture explaining how it would be impossible for him to do so much as rescue a single freaking turkey from death were this subject to a vote from Congress, even to save “Liberty” and “Peace,” which conveniently happen to be the names of this year’s two officially pardoned fowl. “Civil Rights” and “Economic Security” are currently making their final stops at a slaughterhouse outside of Toledo. It’s an awkward metaphor, see!

Man, Obama seems to have been spending too much time on the Internet lately, because mostly his speech is a lot of snark:

“Some of you may know that recently I’ve been taking a series of executive actions that don’t require congressional approval,” Obama told a chuckling crowd at the White House, with his daughters standing at his side.

“Well, here’s another one. We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys. Literally. Otherwise, they’d end up next to the mashed potatoes and stuffing.”

The rest of you, turkeys and Americans alike, prepare to be eaten by the rich, during these holidays!

Fun fact, these unlucky birds were also subjected to press training by their high school student masters, just in case Joe Lieberman is looking for a stand-in!

“I’m told that in order to prepare Liberty and Peace for their big day, the students exposed them to loud noises and flash bulbs so that they’d be ready to face the White House press corps. This is actually true,” he said.

“They also received the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything,” Obama deadpanned.

HY-UCK! (Seriously, though, Joe Lieberman, not a bad idea.) [AP/Reuters]

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245 comments

      1. Negropolis

        You add a potato or two and a molotov cocktail (they've got quite a kick to them, hear), and you'd have a proper Russian Thanksgiving.

        1. user-of-owls

          Hey Barb, a special holiday wish for you this year, when despite the bummer of losing 'the ladies', you can be ever so thankful for your forthcoming grandkids! Wahoo!

          1. Barb

            Thanks Honey! Victoria called me yesterday and said, "Mom, i just saw a PENIS!" I was like, "um, okay." I didn't know she was having an ultrasound. I am excited about having a grandson. Christine needs to find out the gender of her baby now.

            I can't wait to lose "the ladies" I've put out the surgeon consult appointment twice and I am really regretting it. I go on the 7th of Dec and I am anxious to get this over with.

            I send my love to you and yours.

          2. user-of-owls

            Same back to you, old dear.

            p.s. Now it will never be the same when I hear someone say, "A day which will live in infamy."

  1. nounverb911

    "involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything,"
    Sounds just like a typical congresscritter.

    1. Negropolis

      If he's not going to pardon all of them, he shouldn't pardon ANY of them.*

      *said with proper amount of liberal self-righteousness and indignation.

  2. memzilla

    Please stop confusing Joe Lieberman with a turkey.

    One is a wattle-necked, puff-chested, unintelligible noise-making poop machine, so stupid that if it looks up in a rainstorm it will drown… while the other has feathers.

      1. user-of-owls

        Kinda hard to be a secret mole when you look exactly like a motherfuckin' ugly ordinary mole, dontcha think?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      However, after surviving 22 Thanksgivings in Congress, dodging a primary beheading and establishing the office of Israeli Senator with full voting rights, his instinct for self-preservation is vastly superior.

  3. littlebigdaddy

    He has time to pardon the turkeys, but does he have time to address the creeping Sharia law in the poultry industry? Hennnngh?

    1. flamingpdog

      I don't know about barnyard fowl, but I think raptors are dealt with in the Eagle Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.

    1. miss_grundy

      He'll start executing them at 12:01 PM on January 21st, so there won't be any left by November. Oh, and he'll probably call them terrorists to boot.

  4. Schmannnity

    "the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything."

    Jeffrey Gannon?

    1. Master Janitor V572

      I like it when they report endlessly about the made-up event of 'Black Friday,' as though anyone cared besides their advertisers.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        It's all so hideous. Idiotic people ruining a holiday by camping out and acting like fools to get a few scraps of bargains. Anybody with a brain knows that anything you want is on sale somewhere, between November 1 and December 24, so why make an ass of yourself chasing carrots? And "Black Friday", which I am sure came from the hell retail salespeople and any sane shoppers experience on this day, retconned into retailers finally "getting into the black" for the year.

  5. Schmannnity

    Sasha and Malia look like they are two more bad Gallup polls from bursting into tears like a Santorum child.

      1. flamingpdog

        They were until Dad started embarrasing them in front of everybody by telling his lame jokes.

        Been there, done that.

        Oops. Shoulda read all the posts before posting this one.

  6. DahBoner

    When is Congress going to pass the 437th fetus rights bill?

    WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE DOUCHENOZZLE REPUBLICANS?

    1. Geminisunmars

      No, there was only One who was brave enough to pose while background turkey head removal was in progress, and that One is probably lost to us forever.

        1. flamingpdog

          The only way I'll watch her sex tape is if it has an 18 and a half minute gap in the middle. And at the end. And at the beginning. And everywhere else in between.

          1. tessiee

            What if it were one of those S&M dealies where she was gagged and somebody was beating the crap out of her?

  7. user-of-owls

    Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction

    He's only stating the obvious, I mean just look at Florida. America does have Erectile Dysfunction.

    1. glamourdammerung

      He's only stating the obvious, I mean just look at Florida. America does have Erectile Dysfunction.

      If part of your junk was touching the Gulf of Mexico, I would almost expect it to have problems.

      1. tessiee

        "If part of your junk was touching the Gulf of Mexico, I would almost expect it to have problems."

        ??
        If I were in the Gulf of Mexico below the waist, I'd be on a tropical beach vacation. Sounds OK to me.

        1. glamourdammerung

          If I were in the Gulf of Mexico below the waist, I'd be on a tropical beach vacation. Sounds OK to me.

          Covered in oil and dead animals seems a bit beyond "kink" to me, though I am a bit strange.

  8. proudgrampa

    Jesus Christ. Those poor girls look like they are being punished for something. The president should have pardoned THEM, and not made them stand there.

    As the father of a woman who used to be a teenager, I know that girls feel very awkward at that age. The last person they want to be around is Dad.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      But had they been absent, IMAGINE the rumors Roger Ailes would start. Thanks, Malia and Sasha, for the normal childhoods you gave to our country.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "My parents are the two uncoolest people on the entire planet. It's so embarrassing to even be in the same zip code as them"

    1. tessiee

      Both the girls are quite pretty. They seem likely to grow up without having to go through that awkward adolescent phase.

      1. Scottsdalian

        Having Secret Service Agents with guns two feet away helps that. Imagine their reaction to taunting? Think Vin Diesel.

  9. edgydrifter

    Barry didn't land in the White House, the White House landed on him.

    I wouldn't blame him a bit if he just flipped off the cameras and announced he wouldn't be running again next year. That job sucks.

    1. Mojopo

      Seriously. I keep hoping Bill Maher is right, that the GOP sideshow rejects are so bad everyone will go running into the president's arms for safety.

  10. arihaya

    “Civil Rights” and “Economic Security” are currently making their final stops at a slaughterhouse outside of Toledo

    Toledo? they're facing the Spanish Inquisition?

    1. miss_grundy

      Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless they are Republicans, then they should get to feel the full force of Torquemada. Ahhh, I would love to hear the screams of the Republicans in the morning.

    2. tessiee

      "they're facing the Spanish Inquisition? "

      This made me picture turkeys sitting pleasantly in the comfy chair, and that made me smile.

  11. RadiosTyrone

    Dont worry Mr. President, the turkeys will hate you no matter what you do.
    To wit, I just heard Innanity's lame schtick about how to talk to liberal relatives over Thanksgiving. He said if they mention Obama whacking ol' what's his name, well, it was really Bush who deserves the credit because of actionable intel, rendition, black ops, enhanced interrogation, etc. All the things Obama was against in the first place!!1! How do you rationally argue with such layered, mean-spirited, relentless misrepresentation…you can't. As ttommy advised once just nod and laugh and retort "you're funny."

      1. flamingpdog

        Unfortunately, I think ttommy doesn't drink anymore, so he has to settle for the nod and laugh. Darwin help me if I ever have to get to that point.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      My preferred reply is: "If President Bush is responsible for stuff that happened after he left office, why doesn't that include the unemployment rate?"

      And then the reply to any other points is: "Don't talk with your mouth full."

    2. Chichikovovich

      "He said if they mention Obama whacking ol' what's his name, well, it was really Bush who deserves the credit because of actionable intel, rendition, black ops, enhanced interrogation, etc."

      Did Hannity explain why, if all that stuff is responsible for getting Bin Laden, and Bush had all that stuff, why Bush failed to get Bin Laden for 7 flipping years?

      (To the point where all his posturing about "Dead or Alive" ended up replaced with a whimpering "Well, I never said Bin Laden was important, he's just one guy" in an attempt to save face?)

      Did Bush just not care about revenge and neutralizing Bin Laden, or was he just sufficiently on top of the Commander-in-Chief's job that he couldn't adequately organize the resources he had?

      1. emmelemm

        And what about the actionable intel Bushie had BEFORE FUCKING 9/11? HENNNNGHHH?

        Sorry, this pisses me off.

      2. RadiosTyrone

        As I noted Chich, the shit pie they feed these people is so thick there is no chance you can get to anything that is close to the truth or within a light-year of a reasonable discussion. What you delineate is insightful, and important, but there is even more to the complexity, and subtlety, of whacking ol' what's his name.
        I've really got to quit listening to RWR in the car. However occasionally. Or as a "know thine enemy" sort of thing. It's more frustrating than trying to use the internet on a phone, or driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike on the Wednesday before Puritan-Last Chance for the Native Americans Day, or worse yet, doing both at the same time.

    3. miss_grundy

      No, you kick the Rethuglican relative in the crotch or better yet, when serving a hot beverage, drop it in his/her lap. Then act innocent and apologize, while crossing your fingers behind your back.

    4. ShaveTheWhales

      As is my habit, I spent T-day with the in-laws in an anonymous NorCal city not named Groucho or Harpo, and I happened to read the local newspaper, wherein I saw a letter to the editor rambling on about President Obama calling Americans lazy. This appeared to be entirely serious, and was convincingly incoherent, so apparently showing completely misleading out-of-context video clips is a successful advertising tactic, at least among the stupid.

  12. CountryClubJihadi

    I love that he knows to keep as far away from the turkey as possible in order to avoid any shot from any angle that would make him look like he's boning it.

    1. Geminisunmars

      He knows that the bones should be left intact until after the meal so that it makes good soup. What? Oh. Never mind.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Were the Turkeys halal before or after they were pardoned? Was the Pardon in accordance with Sharia law?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I'm sure you can find out by tuning in to Fox and Friends. They'll also be happy to tell you about all the UNHEALTHY things Michelle Obama allowed on her Thanksgiving table. The hypocrisy!!111111!

  14. sbj1964

    To bad we can't have the RepublicanTurkeys in congress served up on a platter. All that fat,and white meat. Just wasted.

    1. Rotundo_

      I'd rather they were processed like McChicken is: High pressure water jets remove all traces of meat from the bones and leave a pink slurry they form into "Nuggets" and "Patties" . The thought of McConnell and Cantor becoming slurry (for pigs, preferrably wild ones-not fit for human consumption) just sounds so festive.

  15. JustPixelz

    "…Sasha and Malia Obama looked sort of annoyed and bored…"

    Like all teenagers, they're just expressing some uppity-ism.

    Ten minutes earlier their father refused to pardon them from an impossible homework assignment: "How a bill becomes a law"

    They watched the GOP debate and realized they may as well learn to speak Chinese.

    1. Guppy

      "Ten minutes earlier their father refused to pardon them from an impossible homework assignment: 'How a bill becomes a law'"

      When the heck would that be useful? Nothing like that has happened in forever!

    2. tessiee

      "How a bill becomes a law"

      1. Lobbyists and/or corporations whine for something they want.
      2. They effortlessly get it.
      3. PROFIT!!

  16. Callyson

    “They also received the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything”
    Sounds like last night's GOP debate…

  17. Trannysurprise

    This is all just part of Obama's war on Thanksgiving where the baby Jeebus was found by Indians in a maze field and they brought him turquoise jewelry and vodka.

    DO NOT SHIT ON MY THANKSGIVING OBUMBMERINCHEIF!!!1!!!!

      1. RadiosTyrone

        According to Russ, the true legacy of Puritans-Über-Alles Day is when they switched from the Commie Mayflower Compact and advice from the No-Jeebus Natives to Capitalism Under God. There certainly was no lazy, lay-about, looking for a hand-out, filthy Occupiers. And also, Jamestown was full of heathens and tobacco mongers.

        1. GhostBuggy

          No, I meant it like "Who is John Galt?" from the book. Although I guess I had no idea what lululemon was until you mentioned it on here tonight, so in a way, it wasn't a joke.

      1. finallyhappy

        Per Trannysurprise's remark – I learned about Lululemon when one salesperson murdered another one in Bethesda.

  18. poorgradstudent

    I'm just waiting until Obama concludes a speech with the line, "Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out."

  19. GhostBuggy

    Ha, yes, this is exactly how teen/pre-teen girls want to spend their time: hanging out with their Kenyan father while he makes his weird Muslim voodoo hand signals over the ritual animals.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Great, now I won't be able to have turkey, since the one I was going to get has been pardoned. Thanks, Obama.

    Guess I'll have to grill up this ribeye and drink all this booze and smoke this Sour Diesel that just showed up from Oregon and go into a football coma all day.

      1. tessiee

        You're asking?
        Jeez, *you're* polite! I was just gonna show up at Baldar's front door, holding a knife and fork, with a napkin tied around my neck like a bib.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, no. Didn't you hear? We're like totally friends of Turkey's, now, because they are like all totally frenemies with Israel at the moment, or some junk.

          1. Scottsdalian

            How do the repubs feel about helping the country of Westasia? They need help. We could bomb them or sumthin.

  21. Negropolis

    Please call for the dissolution of Congress, please call for the dissolution of Congres…oh, and the Supreme Court, too. Oh, and then abolish the office of the presidency and allow us to join up with the neighboring nations or make our own, por favor. Lower Ontario has a nice ring to it.

    1. tessiee

      Seems to me that you're asking for an awful lot at once, here. Perhaps we should start small, and take it one step at a time:
      Please call for the abolition of Boehner, please call for the abolition of Boehner…

    1. tessiee

      "Cain would sexually harass the turkey"

      I'm enjoying the mental picture of Cain pushing the sharp-beaked turkey's head toward his crotch, and the inevitable surprise that would be sure to follow.

  22. fuflans

    you know bamz i'm sitting here in chicago, the 51st state, getting ready for tomorrow. i just ordered pizza, xrt is playing live blues and it's supposed to be 60 degrees for t-day.

    fuck washington.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Used to lurv me some XRT. It is how I know that the 80's were not the wasteland of popular music commonly assumed.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        At any time over the last 30 years, if you randomly tune to XRT, you will hear the same exact songs. It's my own personal in-joke: "What is XRT playing today that I have not wanted to hear since I was in college or my '30s?" When you play the same quirky or obscure tune for 30 years, it might as well be "Stairway To Heaven."

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Also, their narrowly-defined hipness has been exploded by the genre-hopping iTunes generation, who listen to what they want, instead of segregating themselves like in the '70s and '80s. XRT's house rules always seemed to be that black musicians could play rock, folk or old-ass blues, but only hipster New Yorkers could play funk, salsa or African music.

  23. user-of-owls

    Right about now, every last one of you is thinking, "Why hasn't that genial fellow Owls not been flogging the Indonesia story as he'd earlier threatened to do?", aren't you? Of course you are, what other trivial thoughts could possibly compete with your perfectly understandable obsession over Owls' every thought?

    Well it turns out that, apparently, one of you dizzy children works for the Christian Science Monitor and you heroically saved Clan McWonket from a poopyheaded onslaught. Well done!

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Well, top job CSM. It's a sign of modern journalism and/or news outlet pandering to LCD mores that historical illiteracy like Romney's isn't called out more and more.

      Congratulations for a hard-fought and ultimately victorious campaign. Enjoy your triumph through the gates of Wonkette!

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Exactly. Romney is so clueless. In a general election debate, Obama can hang this business around Mitt's neck and beat up on him from personal experience. Obama has traveled in Pakistan as a private citizen too.

      1. user-of-owls

        So the real 'mission work' he was doing when he croaked that poor lady in a 'car crash' near the Pyrenees was a covert meeting with Trinquier?

        1. RadiosTyrone

          Wasn't Paul Wolfowitz (an american hero, much like General George B. McClellan), the true victor of last night's debate? A Dien Bien Phu devotee? If only we could have obtained actionable intel from the OG terrorist, Ho Che Guevara.

    2. Bluestatelibel

      I lay awake all night wondering about you. But great job, I'm a poli sci nerd and didn't know that. Great job, and all the turkeys are yours.

    3. not that Dewey

      Dan Murphy was a little tepid in his analysis, though at least he covered it. He capped the number of dead at the low end of your estimate (didn't indicate that sources differ on the scope of the massacre), failed to mention the "we'll give you some communists" role of the US ("Over the years there have been allegations" is not exactly scathing), and didn't really hold Willard's feet to the fire.

      But well done!

    4. tessiee

      "what other trivial thoughts could possibly compete with your perfectly understandable obsession over Owls' every thought?"

      My malignantly narcissistic family member, and how everything I think, do, and say affects HER, and the opinions of everybody in the world, who is thinking of her every waking moment?

      Nothing against you, owls, it's just that that's already a full-time job.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm honestly not sure what this was even supposed to mean. lol As if it is his responsibility to be pardoning turkeys, at all, let alone all of them, Katie.

  24. dadanarchist

    He should have named the turkeys "Boehner" and "McConnell" and then torn them limb from limb with his bare hands.

    1. El Pinche

      Keeping the Thanksgiving spirit alive, the stuffing should be Cantor. Barry can shove Cantor up Boehner's ass Human Centipede-style.

      1. tessiee

        "Barry can shove Cantor up Boehner's ass Human Centipede-style."

        They'd probably both enjoy that way too much.

  25. Pat_Pending

    Semi-snark aside, I'm looking forward to the Obama girls growing up. In my perfect world, Malia will be the next (intelligent) super model (think milk chocolate Paulina Porzikova) and Sasha will be doing Weekend Update on SNL for five years, having her own sitcom, and then writing her memoirs.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Actually, I see Sasha going into politics. She has the same death glare as her dad, from the bin Laden capture viewing party. Maybe SECDEF Comedy Jam Obama, c. 2040?

      1. Scottsdalian

        They are mini-Chelsea's. She's gonna kick ass over the next few years. Dynamite genes. Plus Oxford.

  26. littlebigdaddy

    And, I don't know if should say this, but has anyone noticed that Sasha is a lot prettier than Malia. Is this because of the Muslin name?

  27. Preacher_Griz

    Our Founding Pilgrims erred when making this pagan socialism festival. If you have thanks to give, drop and give Your Savior and Our Lord thanks that your home was not swarmed by a roaming pack of mexican rape squads this year. Because a lot of folk didn't get off so lucky

    1. finallyhappy

      and if you were having dinner and two days with my brother in law- you'd be gnashing your teeth too.

    2. tessiee

      "If you have thanks to give, drop and give Your Savior and Our Lord thanks that your home was not swarmed by a roaming pack of mexican rape squads this year."

      But don't give thanks that some shitty bank didn't foreclose on your house and kick you out to go live under a bridge, because that only happens to people who deserve it.

  28. DemonicRage

    So, in that never-going-to-happen world where Michele Bachman is President, what's she going to do….walk past the turkey cages and fling in handfuls of migraine-reducing pills?

  29. x111e7thst

    What I want to know is whether Marcus gobbles without saying anything when he is praying the ghey away with a beautiful young man.

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