NEVER FORGET  5:22 pm November 23, 2011

Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Aw, Sasha and Malia Obama looked sort of annoyed and bored, like the rest of America, during their dad’s ritual Thanksgiving lecture explaining how it would be impossible for him to do so much as rescue a single freaking turkey from death were this subject to a vote from Congress, even to save “Liberty” and “Peace,” which conveniently happen to be the names of this year’s two officially pardoned fowl. “Civil Rights” and “Economic Security” are currently making their final stops at a slaughterhouse outside of Toledo. It’s an awkward metaphor, see!

Man, Obama seems to have been spending too much time on the Internet lately, because mostly his speech is a lot of snark:

“Some of you may know that recently I’ve been taking a series of executive actions that don’t require congressional approval,” Obama told a chuckling crowd at the White House, with his daughters standing at his side.

“Well, here’s another one. We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys. Literally. Otherwise, they’d end up next to the mashed potatoes and stuffing.”

The rest of you, turkeys and Americans alike, prepare to be eaten by the rich, during these holidays!

Fun fact, these unlucky birds were also subjected to press training by their high school student masters, just in case Joe Lieberman is looking for a stand-in!

“I’m told that in order to prepare Liberty and Peace for their big day, the students exposed them to loud noises and flash bulbs so that they’d be ready to face the White House press corps. This is actually true,” he said.

“They also received the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything,” Obama deadpanned.

HY-UCK! (Seriously, though, Joe Lieberman, not a bad idea.) [AP/Reuters]

 

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{ 245 comments }

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

"We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys. "
John Boehner appreciates that remark.

Barb November 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm

At least he has macaroni and cheese to look forward to tomorrow.

HistGuy November 23, 2011 at 5:31 pm

It's a Kenyan thing.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Where's my M-F'ing Mac and Cheese.

JustPixelz November 23, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Me too!. Except I substitute vodka for the macaroni and vodka for the cheese.

Come here a minute November 23, 2011 at 8:10 pm

And 'today' for 'tomorrow'? We're on the same page!

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm

You add a potato or two and a molotov cocktail (they've got quite a kick to them, hear), and you'd have a proper Russian Thanksgiving.

Chillwaver November 23, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Sister, that is my dish!

Barb November 24, 2011 at 9:20 am

Sister, I hear ya!

OneDollarJuana November 24, 2011 at 10:45 am

But only once a year (kinda like sex).

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:51 am

Hey Barb, a special holiday wish for you this year, when despite the bummer of losing 'the ladies', you can be ever so thankful for your forthcoming grandkids! Wahoo!

Barb November 24, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Thanks Honey! Victoria called me yesterday and said, "Mom, i just saw a PENIS!" I was like, "um, okay." I didn't know she was having an ultrasound. I am excited about having a grandson. Christine needs to find out the gender of her baby now.

I can't wait to lose "the ladies" I've put out the surgeon consult appointment twice and I am really regretting it. I go on the 7th of Dec and I am anxious to get this over with.

I send my love to you and yours.

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm

"involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything,"
Sounds just like a typical congresscritter.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 23, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Marcus Bachmann is now sporting a "fingerling potato".

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 5:57 pm

He hopes it will get mashed.

Beowoof November 23, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I thought he was sporting that everyday, as a plug if you will.

glamourdammerung November 23, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Pardoning those turkeys just shows how Obama is morally weak.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Especially smoked turkey.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:45 pm

OK, that made me spit out a sip of coffee.

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 6:42 pm

He's clearly outsourced Thanksgiving to the ACLU.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:31 pm

If he's not going to pardon all of them, he shouldn't pardon ANY of them.*

*said with proper amount of liberal self-righteousness and indignation.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 9:50 pm

If he's not going to bring enough pardons to class for everyone, he shouldn't bring any at all.

memzilla November 23, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Please stop confusing Joe Lieberman with a turkey.

One is a wattle-necked, puff-chested, unintelligible noise-making poop machine, so stupid that if it looks up in a rainstorm it will drown… while the other has feathers.

starfanglednut November 23, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Oh, more upfisties if I could.

NellCote71 November 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Me too.

MozakiBlocks November 23, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Raises a glass in your honor, my good sir.

iburl November 23, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Which one betrays America by being secretly sworn as a mole to a foreign power?

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Kinda hard to be a secret mole when you look exactly like a motherfuckin' ugly ordinary mole, dontcha think?

OneDollarJuana November 24, 2011 at 10:47 am

I think he looks more like a cabbage.

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:48 am

A fermented cabbage.

Gingrich/Kimchee 2012!

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:47 pm

He looks and sounds like Dr. Zoidberg on Futurama.

Chet Kincaid November 24, 2011 at 11:20 am

However, after surviving 22 Thanksgivings in Congress, dodging a primary beheading and establishing the office of Israeli Senator with full voting rights, his instinct for self-preservation is vastly superior.

rocktonsam November 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm

gobble without saying anything?

Can't we have just one post without a $arah Pailn reference?

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

Yeah, yeah, yeah…it's all about Clinton, isn't it ("gobble gobble").

littlebigdaddy November 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm

He has time to pardon the turkeys, but does he have time to address the creeping Sharia law in the poultry industry? Hennnngh?

JackDempsey1 November 23, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Point of order: What part of the Constitution deals with barnyard fowl?

chascates November 23, 2011 at 5:57 pm

They count as 1/5th of a person closer to the holidays, 1/10th thereafter.

Blueb4sunrise November 23, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I think there's something about 'being quartered into pieces in any house'.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 6:36 pm

The Seconds Amendment?

horsedreamer_1 November 23, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I thought fowl were covered in the Featheralists Letters.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I don't know about barnyard fowl, but I think raptors are dealt with in the Eagle Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.

dennis1943 November 23, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Any reference to Congress must use the correct spelling……FOUL…..

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I thought the correct spelling was "Congreff"? Then again, I grew up in New England, so…

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

If Rick Perry is elected President, will he pardon the turkeys or just execute them on the spot?

Schmannnity November 23, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Execute to the approving cheers of the Republican mob.

miss_grundy November 24, 2011 at 12:06 am

He'll start executing them at 12:01 PM on January 21st, so there won't be any left by November. Oh, and he'll probably call them terrorists to boot.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Just the ones with too much dark meat.

Steverino247 November 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Fox News reports: "President Obama (D-ark meat) today pardoned two Turkeys…"

chascates November 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Headline appearing soon:

OBAMA MOCKS NATIONAL HOLIDAY, CHRISTIAN HERITAGE

Schmannnity November 23, 2011 at 5:37 pm

"the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything."

Jeffrey Gannon?

Biff November 23, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Hard for him to say anything with his mouth full all the time.

Beowoof November 23, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Larry Craig and Mark Foley come to mind as a couple of gobblers.

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 5:38 pm

According to Glenn Beck, he only pardoned the dark meat.

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 6:12 pm

because Obama hate white turkey, and white culture

horsedreamer_1 November 23, 2011 at 6:56 pm

White turkey is jive turkey.

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Thanksgiving is so gross that all the TeeVee is talking about is Christmas, the day after Thanksgiving and how you are supposed to buy girls diamonds.

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I like it when they report endlessly about the made-up event of 'Black Friday,' as though anyone cared besides their advertisers.

Chet Kincaid November 24, 2011 at 11:44 am

It's all so hideous. Idiotic people ruining a holiday by camping out and acting like fools to get a few scraps of bargains. Anybody with a brain knows that anything you want is on sale somewhere, between November 1 and December 24, so why make an ass of yourself chasing carrots? And "Black Friday", which I am sure came from the hell retail salespeople and any sane shoppers experience on this day, retconned into retailers finally "getting into the black" for the year.

Master Janitor V572 November 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm

You’ll enjoy Ken’s usual Burroughs post today, as did I.

miss_grundy November 24, 2011 at 12:07 am

Unless your girl is into tech toys and football shirts in her size.

glamourdammerung November 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm

This is good news for John McCain. Also.

Schmannnity November 23, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Sasha and Malia look like they are two more bad Gallup polls from bursting into tears like a Santorum child.

Lucidamente1 November 23, 2011 at 5:50 pm

They look pretty cheerful to me:
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/416065/thumbs/s-TURKEY-

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 6:38 pm

They were until Dad started embarrasing them in front of everybody by telling his lame jokes.

Been there, done that.

Oops. Shoulda read all the posts before posting this one.

DahBoner November 23, 2011 at 5:52 pm

When is Congress going to pass the 437th fetus rights bill?

WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE DOUCHENOZZLE REPUBLICANS?

Biff November 23, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Redundant. Asshole. Republican.

mavenmaven November 23, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Needs more turkeys shoved into a chopper in the background while he speaks.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 6:01 pm

No, there was only One who was brave enough to pose while background turkey head removal was in progress, and that One is probably lost to us forever.

glamourdammerung November 23, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Until her sex tape is "leaked" in an attempt to get Trig onto a reality show.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I think I'd rather see the turkey decapitation, thanks.

LetUsBray November 23, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I'm guessing her tape will have both.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I'd rather be the turkey in that decapitation footage.

Biff November 23, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I don't even want to think about Trig's conception, damn you!

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 9:55 pm

The only way I'll watch her sex tape is if it has an 18 and a half minute gap in the middle. And at the end. And at the beginning. And everywhere else in between.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:53 pm

What if it were one of those S&M dealies where she was gagged and somebody was beating the crap out of her?

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:52 pm

"that One is probably lost to us forever."

Oh, if only.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction

He's only stating the obvious, I mean just look at Florida. America does have Erectile Dysfunction.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Look at the American voters and look at Congress. Electile Dysfunction.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 9:38 pm

You're just a dead-ender with a pre-12/12 mindset.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 9:57 pm

There's that damn Eagle Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment again!

glamourdammerung November 23, 2011 at 7:13 pm

He's only stating the obvious, I mean just look at Florida. America does have Erectile Dysfunction.

If part of your junk was touching the Gulf of Mexico, I would almost expect it to have problems.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:55 pm

"If part of your junk was touching the Gulf of Mexico, I would almost expect it to have problems."

??
If I were in the Gulf of Mexico below the waist, I'd be on a tropical beach vacation. Sounds OK to me.

glamourdammerung November 24, 2011 at 3:40 pm

If I were in the Gulf of Mexico below the waist, I'd be on a tropical beach vacation. Sounds OK to me.

Covered in oil and dead animals seems a bit beyond "kink" to me, though I am a bit strange.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I think it's called Flaccid State Syndrome.

proudgrampa November 23, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Jesus Christ. Those poor girls look like they are being punished for something. The president should have pardoned THEM, and not made them stand there.

As the father of a woman who used to be a teenager, I know that girls feel very awkward at that age. The last person they want to be around is Dad.

Mojopo November 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Dad and his lousy crap jokes. Kill meeeeee.

Jukesgrrl November 23, 2011 at 7:08 pm

But had they been absent, IMAGINE the rumors Roger Ailes would start. Thanks, Malia and Sasha, for the normal childhoods you gave to our country.

BaldarTFlagass November 23, 2011 at 7:19 pm

"My parents are the two uncoolest people on the entire planet. It's so embarrassing to even be in the same zip code as them"

Goonemeritus November 23, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Have a relaxing Thanksgiving Mr. President the douchebaggery of Congress can wait for 4 days.

Limeylizzie November 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Good Lord, Malia is a beautiful woman/child.

berkeleyfarm November 23, 2011 at 6:33 pm

She really is. And she's super tall.

Guppy November 23, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Genes.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Both the girls are quite pretty. They seem likely to grow up without having to go through that awkward adolescent phase.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

Having Secret Service Agents with guns two feet away helps that. Imagine their reaction to taunting? Think Vin Diesel.

edgydrifter November 23, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Barry didn't land in the White House, the White House landed on him.

I wouldn't blame him a bit if he just flipped off the cameras and announced he wouldn't be running again next year. That job sucks.

Mojopo November 23, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Seriously. I keep hoping Bill Maher is right, that the GOP sideshow rejects are so bad everyone will go running into the president's arms for safety.

chascates November 23, 2011 at 6:25 pm

It could turn out to be the lowest turnout in decades.

Mojopo November 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Or not.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 10:04 pm

watching that video i was thinking the exact same thing.

we can't have nice things.

Mojopo November 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Jive turkey.

Giveusabob November 23, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Ya say 'e can't HANG?

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 6:10 pm

“Civil Rights” and “Economic Security” are currently making their final stops at a slaughterhouse outside of Toledo

Toledo? they're facing the Spanish Inquisition?

Steverino247 November 23, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Yeah, nobody would expect THAT!

miss_grundy November 24, 2011 at 12:10 am

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless they are Republicans, then they should get to feel the full force of Torquemada. Ahhh, I would love to hear the screams of the Republicans in the morning.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:58 pm

"they're facing the Spanish Inquisition? "

This made me picture turkeys sitting pleasantly in the comfy chair, and that made me smile.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:14 am

Worse. The Ohio Republicans.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Dont worry Mr. President, the turkeys will hate you no matter what you do.
To wit, I just heard Innanity's lame schtick about how to talk to liberal relatives over Thanksgiving. He said if they mention Obama whacking ol' what's his name, well, it was really Bush who deserves the credit because of actionable intel, rendition, black ops, enhanced interrogation, etc. All the things Obama was against in the first place!!1! How do you rationally argue with such layered, mean-spirited, relentless misrepresentation…you can't. As ttommy advised once just nod and laugh and retort "you're funny."

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Nod, laugh, drink and/or take drugs.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Unfortunately, I think ttommy doesn't drink anymore, so he has to settle for the nod and laugh. Darwin help me if I ever have to get to that point.

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I'll take care of ttommy's share, so no worries on that account.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:15 am

"All of them, Katie"

Sorry.

BarackMyWorld November 23, 2011 at 6:41 pm

My preferred reply is: "If President Bush is responsible for stuff that happened after he left office, why doesn't that include the unemployment rate?"

And then the reply to any other points is: "Don't talk with your mouth full."

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Oh, I like it! Will you come to my house?

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 7:10 pm

"He said if they mention Obama whacking ol' what's his name, well, it was really Bush who deserves the credit because of actionable intel, rendition, black ops, enhanced interrogation, etc."

Did Hannity explain why, if all that stuff is responsible for getting Bin Laden, and Bush had all that stuff, why Bush failed to get Bin Laden for 7 flipping years?

(To the point where all his posturing about "Dead or Alive" ended up replaced with a whimpering "Well, I never said Bin Laden was important, he's just one guy" in an attempt to save face?)

Did Bush just not care about revenge and neutralizing Bin Laden, or was he just sufficiently on top of the Commander-in-Chief's job that he couldn't adequately organize the resources he had?

emmelemm November 23, 2011 at 9:38 pm

And what about the actionable intel Bushie had BEFORE FUCKING 9/11? HENNNNGHHH?

Sorry, this pisses me off.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 9:47 pm

As I noted Chich, the shit pie they feed these people is so thick there is no chance you can get to anything that is close to the truth or within a light-year of a reasonable discussion. What you delineate is insightful, and important, but there is even more to the complexity, and subtlety, of whacking ol' what's his name.
I've really got to quit listening to RWR in the car. However occasionally. Or as a "know thine enemy" sort of thing. It's more frustrating than trying to use the internet on a phone, or driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike on the Wednesday before Puritan-Last Chance for the Native Americans Day, or worse yet, doing both at the same time.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

"I've really got to quit listening to RWR in the car."

Rush with roofies?
Rush with 'roids?

miss_grundy November 24, 2011 at 12:13 am

No, you kick the Rethuglican relative in the crotch or better yet, when serving a hot beverage, drop it in his/her lap. Then act innocent and apologize, while crossing your fingers behind your back.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:43 am

As is my habit, I spent T-day with the in-laws in an anonymous NorCal city not named Groucho or Harpo, and I happened to read the local newspaper, wherein I saw a letter to the editor rambling on about President Obama calling Americans lazy. This appeared to be entirely serious, and was convincingly incoherent, so apparently showing completely misleading out-of-context video clips is a successful advertising tactic, at least among the stupid.

owhatever November 23, 2011 at 6:13 pm

White meat or dark meat … We report, you decide.

CountryClubJihadi November 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I love that he knows to keep as far away from the turkey as possible in order to avoid any shot from any angle that would make him look like he's boning it.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm

He knows that the bones should be left intact until after the meal so that it makes good soup. What? Oh. Never mind.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:18 am

Or, like W, getting a turkey hummer?
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/bl

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Were the Turkeys halal before or after they were pardoned? Was the Pardon in accordance with Sharia law?

Jukesgrrl November 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I'm sure you can find out by tuning in to Fox and Friends. They'll also be happy to tell you about all the UNHEALTHY things Michelle Obama allowed on her Thanksgiving table. The hypocrisy!!111111!

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

Before. Halal is the science/religion behind killing/processing the animal humanely.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm

One more year of Joe Lieberman, and then he'll be out of Congress (and lobbying for some defense or insurance corporation).

So we can ignore that festering pustule of evil until nature finally pops him.

P.S. Did somebody say Palin?
~

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm

i see what you did there.

sbj1964 November 23, 2011 at 6:35 pm

To bad we can't have the RepublicanTurkeys in congress served up on a platter. All that fat,and white meat. Just wasted.

Rotundo_ November 23, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I'd rather they were processed like McChicken is: High pressure water jets remove all traces of meat from the bones and leave a pink slurry they form into "Nuggets" and "Patties" . The thought of McConnell and Cantor becoming slurry (for pigs, preferrably wild ones-not fit for human consumption) just sounds so festive.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Slurry, with the fringe on top.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Witha radical right wing fringe on top.

Chet Kincaid November 24, 2011 at 12:00 pm

That's how it's done?! Honey Badger Randall should narrate that shit. I'll have the Tenders, thanks.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Now I'm thinking of that movie "Fargo" for some reason.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:46 am

I dunno. I'm visualizing a really big electric knife, myself.

Nostrildamus November 23, 2011 at 6:46 pm
Slim_Pickins November 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I bet the problem with "Civil Rights" and "Economic Security" is that they weren't Halal.

Chet Kincaid November 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm

OMG, the ghost of Tim Russert approaches bearing a turkey!!

Tundra Grifter November 23, 2011 at 6:52 pm

"Hope" and "Change" had already landed on the BBQ.

Next to the Easter Bunny.

JustPixelz November 23, 2011 at 6:56 pm

"…Sasha and Malia Obama looked sort of annoyed and bored…"

Like all teenagers, they're just expressing some uppity-ism.

Ten minutes earlier their father refused to pardon them from an impossible homework assignment: "How a bill becomes a law"

They watched the GOP debate and realized they may as well learn to speak Chinese.

Guppy November 23, 2011 at 7:14 pm

"Ten minutes earlier their father refused to pardon them from an impossible homework assignment: 'How a bill becomes a law'"

When the heck would that be useful? Nothing like that has happened in forever!

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm

The assignment would be a lot easier if they just used the short, Cliff Notes version.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate!

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"How a bill becomes a law"

1. Lobbyists and/or corporations whine for something they want.
2. They effortlessly get it.
3. PROFIT!!

Callyson November 23, 2011 at 7:04 pm

“They also received the most important part of their media training, which involves learning how to gobble without really saying anything”
Sounds like last night's GOP debate…

Trannysurprise November 23, 2011 at 7:08 pm

This is all just part of Obama's war on Thanksgiving where the baby Jeebus was found by Indians in a maze field and they brought him turquoise jewelry and vodka.

DO NOT SHIT ON MY THANKSGIVING OBUMBMERINCHEIF!!!1!!!!

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm

LOL! Particularly the use of "maze field." I know it was a typo, but it totally works, here.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 11:40 pm

According to Russ, the true legacy of Puritans-Über-Alles Day is when they switched from the Commie Mayflower Compact and advice from the No-Jeebus Natives to Capitalism Under God. There certainly was no lazy, lay-about, looking for a hand-out, filthy Occupiers. And also, Jamestown was full of heathens and tobacco mongers.

anniegetyerfun November 23, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Off-topic, and most of y'all won't know about this store, but lululemon, annoying purveyor of over-priced yoga and running clothing for women, has gone Galt.

Trannysurprise November 23, 2011 at 7:15 pm

One might think they would carry some Kevlar body armor for their employees instead.

GhostBuggy November 23, 2011 at 7:21 pm

"Who is lululemon?"

anniegetyerfun November 23, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I know, I know. Probably only one or two other women here will know about this.

GhostBuggy November 24, 2011 at 12:29 am

No, I meant it like "Who is John Galt?" from the book. Although I guess I had no idea what lululemon was until you mentioned it on here tonight, so in a way, it wasn't a joke.

finallyhappy November 23, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Per Trannysurprise's remark – I learned about Lululemon when one salesperson murdered another one in Bethesda.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Can I still like yoga?

anniegetyerfun November 23, 2011 at 8:43 pm

As long as it is performed naked.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I'd rather go bare than galt. Also bear.

emmelemm November 23, 2011 at 9:35 pm

No. It is un-Christian and of the devil.

Geminisunmars November 24, 2011 at 12:16 am

You can see my 666 tattoo only when I do Downward-Facing-Dog.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 24, 2011 at 8:08 am

Seems like Lululemon's CEO has some Newt-like ideas about child labor.

http://thetyee.ca/News/2005/02/17/LuluCritics/

poorgradstudent November 23, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I'm just waiting until Obama concludes a speech with the line, "Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out."

Guppy November 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Today we are all our president's moody teenaged daughters.

GhostBuggy November 23, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Ha, yes, this is exactly how teen/pre-teen girls want to spend their time: hanging out with their Kenyan father while he makes his weird Muslim voodoo hand signals over the ritual animals.

BaldarTFlagass November 23, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Great, now I won't be able to have turkey, since the one I was going to get has been pardoned. Thanks, Obama.

Guess I'll have to grill up this ribeye and drink all this booze and smoke this Sour Diesel that just showed up from Oregon and go into a football coma all day.

yyyaz November 23, 2011 at 8:01 pm

What time will you be expecting me?

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:18 pm

You're asking?
Jeez, *you're* polite! I was just gonna show up at Baldar's front door, holding a knife and fork, with a napkin tied around my neck like a bib.

littlebigdaddy November 23, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Sounds like a sound plan to me Baldar!

johnnyzhivago November 23, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Pardon Turkey??? This morning we wanted to BOMB Turkey!!!

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Oh, no. Didn't you hear? We're like totally friends of Turkey's, now, because they are like all totally frenemies with Israel at the moment, or some junk.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:19 pm

So then, are we friends with Eastasia?

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

No, far Westasia in this case.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:25 am

How do the repubs feel about helping the country of Westasia? They need help. We could bomb them or sumthin.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Please call for the dissolution of Congress, please call for the dissolution of Congres…oh, and the Supreme Court, too. Oh, and then abolish the office of the presidency and allow us to join up with the neighboring nations or make our own, por favor. Lower Ontario has a nice ring to it.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Seems to me that you're asking for an awful lot at once, here. Perhaps we should start small, and take it one step at a time:
Please call for the abolition of Boehner, please call for the abolition of Boehner…

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 10:45 pm

I don't much mind Boehner. McConnell is the real snake. Boehner is just an incompetent figurehead.

Suck My Balls November 25, 2011 at 1:54 am

Ron Paul much?

DrunkIrishman November 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Cain would sexually harass the turkey if he were president.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm

"The bird was asking for it!"

Biff November 23, 2011 at 9:38 pm

I do not know that bird.

sati_demise November 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm

you want a job, don't you?

littlebigdaddy November 23, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Those birds are all just FUCKING SLUTS!

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm

At least they couldn't charge him with beastiality.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Especially blond, milfish turkeys.

miss_grundy November 24, 2011 at 12:19 am

He would probably ask the bird "How do you say delicious in turkey?"

Geminisunmars November 24, 2011 at 12:25 am

Cain would sexually harass him even if the turkey weren't the president.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"Cain would sexually harass the turkey"

I'm enjoying the mental picture of Cain pushing the sharp-beaked turkey's head toward his crotch, and the inevitable surprise that would be sure to follow.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:26 am

As soon as he heard of the "bone-in" turkey………………..

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 9:47 pm

you know bamz i'm sitting here in chicago, the 51st state, getting ready for tomorrow. i just ordered pizza, xrt is playing live blues and it's supposed to be 60 degrees for t-day.

fuck washington.

littlebigdaddy November 23, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Used to lurv me some XRT. It is how I know that the 80's were not the wasteland of popular music commonly assumed.

Chet Kincaid November 24, 2011 at 11:53 am

At any time over the last 30 years, if you randomly tune to XRT, you will hear the same exact songs. It's my own personal in-joke: "What is XRT playing today that I have not wanted to hear since I was in college or my '30s?" When you play the same quirky or obscure tune for 30 years, it might as well be "Stairway To Heaven."

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:29 am

Things changed after they went corporate. They sold their edginess.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 10:40 am

Also, their narrowly-defined hipness has been exploded by the genre-hopping iTunes generation, who listen to what they want, instead of segregating themselves like in the '70s and '80s. XRT's house rules always seemed to be that black musicians could play rock, folk or old-ass blues, but only hipster New Yorkers could play funk, salsa or African music.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 10:31 pm

That's what Martha said.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Mount Vernon libel!

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:28 am

I love xrt. Moved from Chi 10 years ago. Hope xrt still rockin and rollin. Good stuff.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Right about now, every last one of you is thinking, "Why hasn't that genial fellow Owls not been flogging the Indonesia story as he'd earlier threatened to do?", aren't you? Of course you are, what other trivial thoughts could possibly compete with your perfectly understandable obsession over Owls' every thought?

Well it turns out that, apparently, one of you dizzy children works for the Christian Science Monitor and you heroically saved Clan McWonket from a poopyheaded onslaught. Well done!

Fukui_sanYesOta November 23, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Well, top job CSM. It's a sign of modern journalism and/or news outlet pandering to LCD mores that historical illiteracy like Romney's isn't called out more and more.

Congratulations for a hard-fought and ultimately victorious campaign. Enjoy your triumph through the gates of Wonkette!

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 12:24 am

Veni, vidi, vulgari.

imissopus November 24, 2011 at 2:10 am

And you know who was living in Indonesia in the 1960s, don't you?

Wheels within wheels, man.

horsedreamer_1 November 24, 2011 at 9:11 am

John Mc Cain on bivouac?

Chet Kincaid November 24, 2011 at 11:06 am

Exactly. Romney is so clueless. In a general election debate, Obama can hang this business around Mitt's neck and beat up on him from personal experience. Obama has traveled in Pakistan as a private citizen too.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 11:48 pm

right about now, my feathered soul brother, CIA ya' later.
Mitts also wanted to use Paris as a model for fighting those dominoes in Indochina.

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 12:27 am

So the real 'mission work' he was doing when he croaked that poor lady in a 'car crash' near the Pyrenees was a covert meeting with Trinquier?

RadiosTyrone November 24, 2011 at 12:53 am

Wasn't Paul Wolfowitz (an american hero, much like General George B. McClellan), the true victor of last night's debate? A Dien Bien Phu devotee? If only we could have obtained actionable intel from the OG terrorist, Ho Che Guevara.

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:52 am

Ho Che Guevara Tse Tung!

Bluestatelibel November 24, 2011 at 8:16 am

I lay awake all night wondering about you. But great job, I'm a poli sci nerd and didn't know that. Great job, and all the turkeys are yours.

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:54 am

I lay awake all night wondering about you.

This is a sign of a healthy psyche. Carry on.

not that Dewey November 24, 2011 at 8:56 am

Dan Murphy was a little tepid in his analysis, though at least he covered it. He capped the number of dead at the low end of your estimate (didn't indicate that sources differ on the scope of the massacre), failed to mention the "we'll give you some communists" role of the US ("Over the years there have been allegations" is not exactly scathing), and didn't really hold Willard's feet to the fire.

But well done!

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:53 am

Ya takes what ya can gets.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

"what other trivial thoughts could possibly compete with your perfectly understandable obsession over Owls' every thought?"

My malignantly narcissistic family member, and how everything I think, do, and say affects HER, and the opinions of everybody in the world, who is thinking of her every waking moment?

Nothing against you, owls, it's just that that's already a full-time job.

user-of-owls November 25, 2011 at 1:46 am

Then she's winning.

sati_demise November 23, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Bet the Obamas are eating a free range bird tomorrow.
just sayin'

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 2:38 am

I'm honestly not sure what this was even supposed to mean. lol As if it is his responsibility to be pardoning turkeys, at all, let alone all of them, Katie.

dadanarchist November 23, 2011 at 10:24 pm

He should have named the turkeys "Boehner" and "McConnell" and then torn them limb from limb with his bare hands.

El Pinche November 24, 2011 at 11:01 am

Keeping the Thanksgiving spirit alive, the stuffing should be Cantor. Barry can shove Cantor up Boehner's ass Human Centipede-style.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

"Barry can shove Cantor up Boehner's ass Human Centipede-style."

They'd probably both enjoy that way too much.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm

And mac and cheese from Whole Foods.

Pat_Pending November 24, 2011 at 12:19 am

Semi-snark aside, I'm looking forward to the Obama girls growing up. In my perfect world, Malia will be the next (intelligent) super model (think milk chocolate Paulina Porzikova) and Sasha will be doing Weekend Update on SNL for five years, having her own sitcom, and then writing her memoirs.

horsedreamer_1 November 24, 2011 at 9:16 am

Actually, I see Sasha going into politics. She has the same death glare as her dad, from the bin Laden capture viewing party. Maybe SECDEF Comedy Jam Obama, c. 2040?

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:31 am

They are mini-Chelsea's. She's gonna kick ass over the next few years. Dynamite genes. Plus Oxford.

littlebigdaddy November 24, 2011 at 12:31 am

And, I don't know if should say this, but has anyone noticed that Sasha is a lot prettier than Malia. Is this because of the Muslin name?

danadevin74 November 24, 2011 at 11:16 am

No both girls are lovely

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:32 am

'ain't nuthin purty bout no mooslim.'

Preacher_Griz November 24, 2011 at 5:50 am

Our Founding Pilgrims erred when making this pagan socialism festival. If you have thanks to give, drop and give Your Savior and Our Lord thanks that your home was not swarmed by a roaming pack of mexican rape squads this year. Because a lot of folk didn't get off so lucky

finallyhappy November 24, 2011 at 7:45 am

and if you were having dinner and two days with my brother in law- you'd be gnashing your teeth too.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

"If you have thanks to give, drop and give Your Savior and Our Lord thanks that your home was not swarmed by a roaming pack of mexican rape squads this year."

But don't give thanks that some shitty bank didn't foreclose on your house and kick you out to go live under a bridge, because that only happens to people who deserve it.

Scottsdalian November 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

"mexican rape squads"

Or, worse, American banks.

DemonicRage November 24, 2011 at 8:07 am

So, in that never-going-to-happen world where Michele Bachman is President, what's she going to do….walk past the turkey cages and fling in handfuls of migraine-reducing pills?

Scottsdalian November 24, 2011 at 8:14 am

And for your viewing pleasure…..Honey Bear don't give a sh**:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lv6KfGoQ_w

x111e7thst November 24, 2011 at 8:32 am

What I want to know is whether Marcus gobbles without saying anything when he is praying the ghey away with a beautiful young man.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

In keeping with the prayer theme, he mumbles, "Oh, God!, Oh, God!"

chascates November 24, 2011 at 9:30 am

Rush Limbaugh Recounts ‘The True Story Of Thanksgiving, Or, How Socialism Almost Killed The Pilgrims’ http://www.mediaite.com/online/rush-limbaugh-reco

El Pinche November 24, 2011 at 10:10 am

"It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving."

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 10:47 am

Feliz dia del Pavo, camaradas!

Even our delightful friends over at Fox have gotten into the true spirit of the holiday:

Why I Am Grateful for the Fox News Audience

…or maybe not so much.

Ben Cisco November 24, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Wrong type of funk though, George Clinton would want nothing to do with it.

ttommyunger November 24, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Thought bubble over both girl's head: "Oh no! Psssst! Daddy, your fly is unzipped!"

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Pedobear?

horsedreamer_1 November 24, 2011 at 11:41 pm

There's a Muppet in the new film who appears to be modeled on Pedobear.

anniegetyerfun November 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Thank you. Had I known this sooner, I would have asked you to marry me.

johnnyzhivago November 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Come the revolution, I call for a drone strike on their outlets.

swordfis November 23, 2011 at 8:00 pm

You're very welcome – happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Geminisunmars November 23, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Why must we wait?

anniegetyerfun November 23, 2011 at 8:44 pm

This officially makes you one of the best people on Earth.

user-of-owls November 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Same back to you, old dear.

p.s. Now it will never be the same when I hear someone say, "A day which will live in infamy."

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:35 am

Hmmm.

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