TURKEYS OF HISTORY  3:30 pm November 23, 2011

White House Turkeys: A Children’s Treasury of Dumb T-Day Tradition

by Ken Layne

Happy Poultry Lobbyist Day, Harry!On this Thanksgiving Eve, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — of course Barack Obama looked like an idiot pretending to care about that dumb bird headed to Disneyland, in 2010. And he surely looked like a sell-out fool this year, too, although we didn’t bother to watch. (This is exactly why Obama seems so bored dealing with unemployed/destroyed people; he thinks they are turkeys, too.) Anyway, here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — eels, ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the General Motors Bailout of 1947.

You don't want to know what LBJ did to that dead bird.Obviously faked, this photo of JFK’s 1963 pardoning of the bird allegedly took place just four days before he was assassinated by the CIA. Note that only a lone turkey is shown; presidents are always presented with two live turkeys, “just in case something goes wrong.”

That turkey's got a hidden mic up his butt! Nixon’s own pardon would come soon enough.

Whip Inflation Now, turkey!America was outraged by yet another shocking pardon by Gerald Ford, who is pictured here being only vaguely aware he’s president, like always.

Come look, mommy, it's a big scary bird!Say what you will about Reagan, but this was obviously the high point of his year.

Bow to me, goddamned bird.But once the Bush Dynasty had formally taken power, the childlike glee was forever gone. Now the weeping turkey cowered and bowed before GHWB, pledging all the Saudi and Kuwaiti oil fields in exchange for clemency.

Depends what you mean by 'pardon.'“You know, Jesse Jackson won South Carolina, too. What? Oh I hereby pardon this turkey and Marc Rich.”

Have you seen Dignity?Can you believe 2008 was George Bush Junior’s last Thanksgiving in the White House? Good-bye, George! Thanks for, uhh, fucking up the whole world forever, you turkey.

 
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{ 138 comments }

Barb November 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm

W. looks like he's enjoying his beak-job. I wonder if he shot the turkey in the face before Cheney thought of it.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 23, 2011 at 3:40 pm

It was extraordinarily renditioned to Ankara.

Antispandex November 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Well, on the bright side (if you are a Texas cracker) this is the only thing Bush ever pardoned…well, I mean, that didn't help him "refill the old coffers".

Rotundo_ November 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I think the only pardon ever uttered by Dubya was when he farted in mixed company. That turkey was McNuggetized by afternoon.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm

"I think the only pardon ever uttered by Dubya was when he farted in mixed company"

Now you made me picture this, and you *know* he giggled that creepy serial killer giggle afterwards.

Biff November 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm

The last words uttered by the bird were "please don't kill me…"

sbj1964 November 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Rick Perry, would not give this Turkey a reprieve no more than any other. He would say "Fry 'em "! Texas style .

PubOption November 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Texas-style turkey-frying seemed to involve the following steps
Get Drunk
Put fryer very close to the house or trailer
Fill fryer with oil and heat it up
Leave gas on, and lower turkey into fryer
Stagger away when the fryer overflows, and the gas lights the oil
Hope that you are coherent enough for the fire department to understand your address.

OneDollarJuana November 23, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I think President Perry (shudder!) would put on his jogging shorts and shoot the damn thing with his coyote pistol.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 10:32 pm

"his coyote pistol"

Which will blow up and leave him charred black with one frazzled ear, since he bought it from the Acme Corporation.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:46 pm

"Let him fry!" roared the Roman crowd.

Blueb4sunrise November 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Pardon the mac and cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!

memzilla November 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

The difference is, unlike Shrub, no turkey has ever needed a pardon issued by the International War Crimes Tribunal at The Hague.

Beowoof November 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Am I the only one who is hoping that pardon is never forthcoming and someday he will sit in a cell.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 4:37 pm

No.

Rotundo_ November 23, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I am trying to imagine a set of circumstances in which Dubya would get a pardon from The Hague. My imagination just can't pull that one off. Not even posthumously.

Crowe2011 November 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

In '74 the turkey pardoned Nixon.

Tundra Grifter November 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Crowe2011:

You beat me to it! I wanted to tell Ken he ran the wrong photo of Gerald Ford pardoning the biggest turkey of them all – Dick Nixon.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:47 pm

In Soviet Russia, turkey pardons you!

Fukui_sanYesOta November 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

The turkey is far more charismatic than Ford.

And Bush? Well, I'd put a can of finest hobo beans on the turkey being smarter.

Antispandex November 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Somewhere I saw that this year's turkey may be retired to Montana. Is that really better?

Maman November 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

No, those turkeys are going to Mount Vernon

Angry_Marmot November 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Which was named for a sailor fondly known as Old Grog. Drink!

Rotundo_ November 23, 2011 at 4:55 pm

They only last a few months anyhow, even with good care. Maybe a year under remarkable conditions. They're designed to bulk up fast and not for longevity. So sending it out to Montana where the wolves or grizzlies can turn it into a hors d'oeuvre before eating people or cattle or elk probably is the kind thing.

BTWBFDIMHO November 23, 2011 at 11:38 pm

That was Frank Zappa.

SmutBoffin November 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Obamar didn't pardon the turkey this year since it had turned information vital to National Security (detailed plans of an improved turkey head chopper-offer) over to Wikileaks.

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Reagan obviously thinks Mommy is wearing her new white dress.

Hengh!

PuckStopsHere November 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

With respect to that last picture, the one in which one that cocksucker is getting is cock sucked; even if we have nothing else about which to be thankful, we can, each of us, give thanks that that stupid mother fucker is no longer our president. That alone makes it a happy day. One of jubilee, really. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

OneDollarJuana November 23, 2011 at 4:36 pm

You could also say that the pecker was getting his pecker pecked.

Canmon November 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

This wouldn't happen if Sarah Palin were President.

Mojopo November 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Almost forgot that video clip, but NOOOOOoooooo.

Heh!

Chillwaver November 23, 2011 at 4:49 pm

It's called "T-Day" for a reason.

Clancy_Pants November 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

These pardon shots bring back warm memories of half-governor Palin blathering while turkeys behind her are getting Colombian neckties.

starfanglednut November 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Turkeys right before they get shoved in the machine: Worst. Pardon. Ever.

Goonemeritus November 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I don’t think it’s that wise for Wonkette to get on the wrong side of the all powerful Turkey cartel.

Clancy_Pants November 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Cartel is right.. Look at the suits standing around. They look more like the supporting cast of "Goodfellas" than pimps for factory farming.

Buzz Feedback November 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Reagan sold the turkey to the Iranians and used the proceeds to fund the Freedom Fighters at Chik-Fil-A.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm

EAT MOR CHIKIN!

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:48 pm

MOO!

NowTheyTellMe November 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Which one is the President again?

LabRodent November 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

This is the last time. "ALL of Them Katie"

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

So Ken — which of the little Layne's got to present this mashup all decked out on posterboard for Show & Tell before a classroomfull of pre-vacation hyper-spastic fellow schoolmates this week?

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:22 am

All of them, Katie?

edgydrifter November 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Observe how it's always the WHITE turkey getting pardoned (Truman excepted, and the bird in his photo probably got the knife that afternoon anyway after this fake pardon PR stunt). Think about it, citizen.

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 5:58 pm

blame the all-white turkey pardon jury

Callyson November 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I'm OK with pardoning the turkey if we can go on to prosecute the bankers who got us into this economic mess, the former members of the W administration who committed various acts of malfeasance, the police officers who went medieval on peaceful OWS protesters…

CrankyLttlCamperette November 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I think those turkeys have already been pardoned.

BlueStateLibel November 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The Dubya photo so wonderfully illustrates the Law of Attraction – one turkey is magnetically drawn to another turkey, you can't stop that shit!

swordfis November 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Turkeys go in, turkeys go out – you can't explain it.

Redhead November 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

How can you show all these (albeit great) pictures without showing the even better one of Palin pardoning a turkey in front of the turkey slaughter-and-grind-em-up machine?

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Do you know who else was a White House turkey?

sbj1964 November 23, 2011 at 3:54 pm

George W. Bush ?

SorosBot November 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Not Ronald Reagan, he was a vegetable.

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Scott McClellan?

(oops — thought you said White House turncoat)..

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Buchanan?

Beowoof November 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Ronald Regan, oh wait he was the vegetable.

LabRodent November 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

That chick who blew Clinton?

DaRooster November 23, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Gobble gobble!

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

The WH head of security?

Oh, my bad, I thought you said White House turnkey.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Henry Kissinger?

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

How come we don't eat turkey eggs?

edgydrifter November 23, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Dude, don't you watch Modern Marvels? Nutritionally, it's because each of those suckers contains 245% of your daily dose of cholesterol. Don't make Michelle Obama cry. Commercially, it's because 99% of all turkey eggs go straight to industrial incubators (a frickin' turkey Matrix is what it is) to make more turkeys. Don't make Shariaball, LLC mad. Culturally, it's because they're enormous, speckled and have twin yolks, which many consumers find deeply unsettling. Don't creep out Real America.

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

To avoid public humiliation, I was once made to eat eel in Italy. Not as bad as you'd think, but does not taste like chicken in the slightest, either.

SexySmurf November 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

What that turkey is doing to W is definitely not kosher. Or even halal.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 4:33 pm

But definity halarious.

OneDollarJuana November 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Only because Bush has cloven hooves.

SorosBot November 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Bush Sr. pardoned that turkey because he was another one of his Iran-Conta co-conspirators.

(Seriously, when people talk about egregious pardons why does everyone forget Weinberger, Abrams et al?)

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

WTF? What happened to LBJ? Was he so so busy playing dominoes with the Gang of Four and instituting Commie programs like Civil Rights and Medicare to worry about turkeys? Too busy stuffing Lady Bird?

sbj1964 November 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm

A president has to be careful how many pardons he gives to turkeys,because his cabinet has first dibs .

LabRodent November 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Some Turkeys when pardon went right back to Al Qaeda and resumed attacks on the USA.

starfanglednut November 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Gitmo libel!!!

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I just had a pretty good idea. I'll tell you, but don't copy me.
There are no Thanksgiving songs! All of the Holidays have special songs or at least songs that are associated with a Holiday, but Thanksgiving doesn't! I'm going to start on my very special Thanksgiving Album. By next year, you will hear my songs allover the place during Thanksgiving! I will be very famous and sing my songs on, "The View", "Ellen" and "Fox and Friends!"
Please don't copy my plan, because I'll have to sue your pants off!

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Obviously, you've never watched a "Lawrence Welk" tribute show this time of year. There's annoying Thanksgiving songs up the wazoo.

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I will sue that guy!

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Eh, I think on the Peanuts® Turkey-Day Teevee Special they used to include the kids singing "Come, Ye Thankful People Come" adapted from a hymn. But no one ever tuned in to watch that one, it was like the bastard brother to the more popular Great Pumpkin or Merry Xmas Charlie Brown versions.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Great Derrick, a fucking Kenny G Thanksgiving Album.
Audio noodle drool to go with the tryptophans and wafting turkey farts. Not to mention Uncle Teabag Tony droning on about "you libs and how much you love Obama."
Hey, now that I think about it, I'm glad I have to work tomorrow.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Sorry to tell you, but Adam Sandler has a Thanksgiving song that apparently everyone but me thinks is funny.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:24 am

Now, the Chanukah Song, ….

HarryButtle November 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Keep effing that turkey.

littlebigdaddy November 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Needz moar woodchippers!

Tundra Grifter November 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm

On a much more serious note, Pamela Geller has her panties in a bunch (again!) because Butterball turkeys are halal and, therefore, a prime example of sneaking Sharia law here in the good old USofA.

I wish this were an urban legend. Sadly, it's not. The right wing nutz are rapidly become parodies of themselves.

starfanglednut November 23, 2011 at 4:13 pm

That ship sailed a while ago. We are now completely through the looking glass.

SorosBot November 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I guess some people don't pay attention to the sidebar stories.

Tundra Grifter November 23, 2011 at 5:06 pm

SB:

Sidebar? You mean I've been waiting in this line to get to the main bar for nothing?

Thanx, Dude!

Actually – I knew I'd read it somewhere.

Got to go. The Wild Turkey is calling…

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 5:23 pm

They're also Kosher. So why doesn't she get her mikvah bath soaked bikini bottom twisted up about that? Backdoor Talmudic Law is OK, and Glatt Kosher Parve is better.

Barrelhse November 23, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Creeping Jesus is what they're all about.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:55 pm

He sees you when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake…

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:21 pm

"Pamela Geller has her panties in a bunch (again!) because Butterball turkeys are halal"

I have no idea who Pamela Geller is or why we should care what she thinks, but Pamela Anderson is on her usual PETA rampage about us carnivores eating the poor genetically modified turkeys with their grotesquely exaggerated artifically enlarged breasts and sticklike skinny legs… and no, she is not being intentionally ironic.

Beowoof November 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm

The turkey's that run through my yard are more presidential than W. Probably smarter as they have to avoid cars and hunters and they are doing a pretty good job of that.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:22 pm

If only we'd thought to leave W outside on a rainy day, so he'd look up at the sky and drown.

coolhandnuke November 23, 2011 at 4:09 pm

In the Gerald Ford photo, if you look real close up on the White House roof you can spot one of Betty Ford's white, sensible shoes resting near the ledge. Not visible to the naked eye is the passed out First Lady who had liberated a bottle of Wild Turkey that morning.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I hate myself, but I LOL'd.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:57 pm

ROTLMAO!

Free spirit libel!

chascates November 23, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Mitt Romney would pardon the turkey, then retract the pardon.
Newt Gingrich would talk it to death then send it a bill for $500,000.
Michele Bachmann would scare it to death and then pray for its soul.
Herman Cain would make sexual advances before having it placed on a pizza.
Rick Perry would try shooting it with his .380 and, having missed it, would declare turkey unAmerican.
Ron Paul would have it cooked but declare only whoever raised it could eat it.
Rick Santorum would demand to know the turkey's sexual preference before making a decision.
Jon Huntsman would have it for dinner but be accused of not being a serious eater possibly due to his religion.

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:58 pm

And, Bill Clinton would stuff it with cigars.

Too soon?

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:24 pm

"Newt Gingrich would talk it to death then send it a bill for $500,000."

Then cheat on his spouse du jour with it, while publicly complaining about some *other* (preferably Democratic) politician who got caught in a sexual no-no.

DaRooster November 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

How would pardoning turkeys effect Sarah Palin?

weejee November 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Yay for all the turkey pardons and best wishes for a great holiday weekend for all the Wonketteers.

PS. This morning we got news on daughter-in-law's second CT, and the tumors have shrunk some more!!!!

LabRodent November 23, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Very Cool. So Very Very Cool. God bless.

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Great news. An especially celebratory Thanksgiving for you!

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 4:20 pm

where is Jimmy Carter?

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Wouldn't fit into the pattern. Before Nixon, all the prezes shown are Dems. Including and after Nixon, they're all Republicans.

OneDollarJuana November 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Negotiating a pardon for the turkey. And succeeding.

DahBoner November 23, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Our Last Great Democrat President has been wished out into the 18% inflation cornfield…

UW8316154 November 23, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Being attacked by the Easter bunny?

Infrogmation November 23, 2011 at 6:18 pm

According to http://www.thedailybackground.com/2006/11/22/rich… "No photos exist of Carter performing the thanskgiving pardon." The Carter administration does seem to have significantly less photos of its activities on line than any other administation since Hoover. Part of a national attempt to try to pretend the '70s never happened?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 23, 2011 at 10:43 pm

The '70s were faked.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Listen, goddamn it, if there are pictures of *me* in bell-bottoms, platforms, and a hairdo with wings, Jimmy Carter can deal with a few pictures of him in a suit with 70s-era lapels and tie widths!

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:25 pm

But… but… He's history's greatest monster!

BigDumbRedDog November 23, 2011 at 4:41 pm

The only good thing about a Palin presidency would be watching her have the turkey murdered in some horrible way in front of the whole world. That would be awesome. There would be a gleam in her eyes as she exclaims "this is how we pardon turkeys in Alaska!" while chasing it with a meat cleaver and cackling.

Sometimes the vividness of my imagination makes me worry.

OccupytheDashboard November 23, 2011 at 4:49 pm

The vividness is just a self-defense mechanism. We all use it to create an imaginary world more horrible than the one we live in. The relief we have when we learn "it was only a dream" is almost a narcotic. It's only when the horror of the real world surpasses our imagination that we have to worry.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:28 pm

The only good thing about a Palin presidency would be watching her murdered in some horrible way in front of the whole world.

fixed

chascates November 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

And I'm looking forward to our Wonkette Thanksgiving Day tradition, the wonderful Thanksgiving poem by William Burroughs, without which it's merely a 'Naked Lunch'.

OccupytheDashboard November 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm

My favorite is the one with Michele Bachman looking for Bush's dick.

user-of-owls November 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Call me old-fashioned, but I still think we shouldn't be pardoning Turkey.

–Armenian in Ann Arbor

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 12:00 am

"Armenian in Ann Arbor"

I'm not sure there is such a thing.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I personally knew at least one Armenian (OK, an American of Armenian descent) when I lived in Ann Arbor; it's possible she still lives there now.

Chillwaver November 23, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Keep fuckin' that chickenturkey, Dubya!

BigDumbRedDog November 23, 2011 at 4:53 pm

That Nixon turkey does not look healthy.

DahBoner November 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Did an angry mob of Republicans block Obama's pardon of the turkee yet???

NEEDZ MOAR TAX CUTS FOR THE ALREADY TOO RICH!

CrunchyKnee November 23, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Barry will pardon the turkey and all of Wall Street, by God.

rocktonsam November 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I always looked forward to Bush Jr. pardoning the turkey.

It was the only thing George didn't fuck up.

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 5:53 pm

POTUS should pardon a turkey called Roger

"I shall welease Woger !"

arihaya November 23, 2011 at 6:01 pm

also, the Kardashians might be angry with all of this Turkey-pardoning routine

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 12:03 am

I bet you the Kardashians couldn't even point out Armenia on a map. Jus' sayin'.

arihaya November 24, 2011 at 4:29 am

Caitlin Upton was right

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Us U.S. Americans really are a sad lot.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Why are Orville Redenbacher and Mr. Rogers in the picture with Nixon?

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Reagan was such a fucking moron. I'm still annoyed that he got to do anything more powerful than making Ensure infomercials.

datateday November 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm

If Newt Gingrich wins, people will have trouble telling the two apart. They're like big, fat, twins, with the rolls of skin coming off of the chin area and the same strut and everything.

tessiee November 24, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Yeah, but Newt is too greasy to fry and too unimportant to bake, so we'll have to use him as a balloon in the parade instead.

datateday November 24, 2011 at 10:39 pm

His voice does sound all high-pitched and helium-y…

Negropolis November 23, 2011 at 11:41 pm

roast beast

HA! I read each description, and everyone was funny. You've still got it, Ken.

BTWBFDIMHO November 23, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Obama pardoned Wall Street and the Turkey, so Occupy Wall Street and Stuff the Turkey.

Walkinwiddaking November 24, 2011 at 4:50 pm

In the last photo…which one is Bush?

ttommyunger November 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Truman: Double-crossed our faithful WWII Ally Ho Chi Minh and gave the French their Colony back; setting the stage for the Viet Nam War. JFK: Complicit in the murder of S. Viet Nam's President just days prior to his own assassination. Nixon and Ford: No comment necessary. George H. W. Bush: Encouraged Iraqis to revolt; then sat on his hands while Sadaam Hussein slaughtered them. Clinton: Never understood that there was a difference between Bill Clinton and the President of the United States. Dubya: Simply the worst President in modern history, period. Yup, we've got a lot to be thankful for all right.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 2:30 am

Hmm. That was depressingly concise, including omitting Reagan entirely.

ttommyunger November 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

Reagan is as forgettable as he was forgetful.

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