GO AHEAD  2:05 pm November 23, 2011

Illinois Republicans Bravely Propose To Secede From Chicago

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Gonna happen one of these days...

Two brave Illinois GOP state legislators are so sick of Chicago’s gays and liberals and their gay liberal mayor and its gay $532 billion economy and its gay St. Patrick’s Day Parade that they have finally just proposed the obvious: wall the damn place off, and let everyone else in Illinois form their own state. Chicago will get to keep everything that is currently located there, and the freedom-loving hillbillies will get to keep the other 16% of the state’s $630 billion economy and the state prisons. (PSSST, TAKE THE DEAL, CHICAGO.) Because, why not? Illinois is America’s “microcosm,” so what better place to finally give up on “America” as a place where competing viewpoints work to coexist and just hold this experiment already?

Reps. Bill Mitchell and Adam Brown claim their downstate constituents “are tired of Chicago dictating its views to the rest of us,” through democracy and the votes of the state legislature, like Stalinist Russia. Hm, so who would they rather resemble?

From WANDTV.com:

Rep. Mitchell brought up the state of Indiana multiple times Tuesday morning and said that he would like Illinois to become more like its neighbor to the east. “Take a look at Indiana. Their population is similar to the new Illinois we are proposing. But there are some fundamental differences between Indiana and Illinois as it exists now: Indiana doesn’t have a budget deficit; they haven’t raised taxes to pay for more government spending; they have a lower unemployment rate than Illinois. And what’s the biggest difference? Indiana doesn’t have Chicago.”

Oh look! History just popped a strange cherry, it’s the first time “someone genuinely wishes he lived in Indiana.” [WANDtv.com]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 212 comments }

WhatTheHolyHeck November 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

We wish they were in Indiana, too.

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

the freedom-loving hillbillies will get to keep the other 16%

Can I start calling you "WhatTheHillbillyHeck" ?

WhatTheHolyHeck November 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Can I start calling you "WhatTheHillbillyHeck" ?

Sure, if you want a punch in the taint.

I kid, I kid. We Chicago people are crazy LIEberal demoncrap socialist treefuckers and wouldn't dream of harming the poor souls trapped downstate. It's not their fault no one never told them they're free to go.

Dashboard_Jesus November 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

y'all got TREES in Chicago?

WhatTheHolyHeck November 23, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Of course we do. Mind, they're organically grown Gingko Biloba saplings that we nourish by hugging with arms made of whole-grain granola.

Dashboard_Jesus November 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

hey I live in Indiana and we got enough of those mouth breathin' morons here, what we could really use is sum edumakashun…btw the Gov of Hoosierville is My Bitch Mitch Daniels and his idear of *job creation* is to cannibalize them from Illinois…typical Repiglickin non-sense, the rich douchebags convince the poor working class slobs that they're on the SAME team, as they laugh at the rubes from behind gated mansions and caviar dreams

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

we drove thru IN last year for some reason or other and got a bass shaped wine bottle holder at a truck stop.

so that was cool.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I enjoy the Majestic Wind Farm on I-65 when driving south to Tennessee. Other than that, it's Cracker Barrels all the way down.

AmericanBeauty November 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

Those Hoosiers who drive into Chicago to work should just quit and find jobs in Indiana. That would lower the Chicago unemployment rate. Damn Hoosier leeches.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Having moved from Indianapolis to the Chicago burbs (and man, would it suck for Cook County to be in separate state from the collar counties – one more reason it is just idiotic) and then Springfield, Illinois, I can say with confidence that downstate Illinois is very much like every part of Indiana not represented by Andre Carson in Congress or Lake County – white, flat and fat. I'll gladly roll those two redneck bundles (maybe with a small carve out for Bloomington and parts of Springfield) with western Kentucky, as long as they promise to only have 2 Senators for the entire region – since it is all so similar.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Four of the worst months of my life were spent in Rantoul, IL. Luckily Champaign-Urbana was close enough that we could get some civilization occasionally.

kissawookiee November 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Oh, "Urbana." Some mighty wishful thinking, that.

*I was born there, so I can say it.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Well? When are y'all gonna DO something about it?

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

But Chicago kicks ass…

deelzebub November 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Chicago, take me with you, please!

lefty74 November 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

That was the only actionable item on their to do list after the Pump Kin festival.

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I've been in Morton to see that. Don't ask me why.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

my best friend was the pumpkin princess back in the 80's.

but now she lives in chicago and sings in a punk band.

bagofmice November 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm

She got better.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 9:53 pm

"the Pump Kin festival"

An entire festival devoted to incest??

Major Thom November 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Oprah could be Secretary of Book Clubs.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 12:55 am

Silly, Thom. Oprah would never take a title below that of Supreme Empress or Generalissima or O, The Great and Terrible.

chascates November 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Please to annex Arizona as well.

Tengu November 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

"I hate Illinois Nazis."

ifthethunderdontgetya November 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

…and the freedom-loving hillbillies will get to keep the other 16% of the state’s $630 billion economy and the state prisons.

METH LABS R' US!
~

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

OK, some Chicagoans may miss the meth. And the sweet corn. Mmmm, that delicious downstate sweet corn.

But I encourage them to make this deal. There's gotta be some big empty lots in the city suitable for growing sweet corn, and space in the back of the lots for meth lab trailers.

C'mon, Chicago! Put your broad shoulders to the task and make this happen!

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I'm guessing the 84/16 split is the Chicago metro area and not just Cook County. These assholes wouldn't want the jerks who work in Chicago but fled to DuPage County to avoid the "urbans" to have to pay taxes to Chicago – never mind that without the city, the collar counties are just another set of soybean fields and state institutions.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 9:54 pm

"There's gotta be some big empty lots in the city"

Those are urban farms, dammit! URBAN FARMS!!

Crowe2011 November 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

How is being a totally rural wasteland working out for Wyoming?

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

One manperson/one vote FTW! Ah, the Warren Court…the one that was on the side of the people.

Suck it, you downstate hillbillies.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Some of us downstaters aren't hillbillies, thank you very much. We also win World Series'. So, suck on that hog butcher.

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Oh, are you referring to the East St Louis Cardinals? ;-)

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Well, Chicago won't have us, so we gotta root for something. I'm only ten minutes away from Busch stadium besides. :)

Master Janitor V572 November 23, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I love St Louis, lived in U-City for 8 years. If they could just do something about the weather….

chicken_thief November 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Actually, Mr Geographically Challenged, Indiana does have Chicago. At least a part of it. And Whiting, Gary, Hammond, and all those other shit holes that used to be essentially Chicago.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 12:59 am

What part of Chicago, Katie?

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:41 pm

There was an Indiana Territory that existed in 1800, consisting of all of present-day IN, IL and WI, but that was over with by 1816 when IN became a state. Chicago was founded in 1833. Chicago grew to absorb other towns, like Hyde Park, which used to be a huge township extending to the IN border and south to current day 130th or thereabouts, instead of just being the neighborhood around U. of C. where fun goes to die.

Hyde Park Township was always IL, and became part of Chicago in 1889. In fact, I'm sitting here typing on the southeast side of Old Hyde Park, a 5 minute drive from the cheap gas, smokes and fireworks of Whiting and Hammond. So no, we've never been Hoosier.

Callyson November 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Would this give Rahm – bo a promotion, and make him a governor? Can't decide if that would be amusing or terrifying…

MzNicky November 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I think he'd be president of Chicago?

Monsieur_Grumpe November 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Yeah yeah, but you don't hear anyone in Indiana bragging about their pizza do ya?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

The Indiana branch of Second City is world famous though.

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

And I love all those historic blues joints on the South Side of Bloomington.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Hey, now, there's at least one decent club in Bloomington (it is on the north side, though). Next to the Tibeten restaurant (don't ask me why, but the Dalai Lama's inner circle has deep ties to Indiana University).

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:50 pm

but to be fair, carl sandburg did come up with some kick ass poems for whiting.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:47 pm

"Ode To A Pierogi"

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Come to think of it, ya don't hear anyone in Indiana bragging about ANYthing.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:01 am

Indiana is always going on about its Square Miles as if it's the Magnificant Mile. Blah.

Lucidamente1 November 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

But will it play in Peoria?

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I went to Peoria once, but it was closed.
(Apologies to WC Fields).

Chillwaver November 23, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Some village in [insert southern state] is missing two idiots…

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Isn't Carbondale considered a southern state?

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:02 am

Aw, we were both thinking of Carbondale. lol Who even does that.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

And they DON'T want them back!

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:02 am

Carbondale, definitely Carbondale.

coolhandnuke November 23, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Brown and Mitchell could just move to Illinois' neighbor to the east–Lake Michigan.

TanzbodenKoenig November 23, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Can they also secede from the Earth? I hear under those clouds Venus has a beautiful tropical rainforest for them to strip mine and clear cut.

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 2:19 pm

GO CUBS!!!!!!

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! Oops, sorry wrong Chicago dream.

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm

This year is their year.

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Personally, I would like to see a Yankees/Cubs World Series.

DoktorThompson November 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Perhaps you'd also like to invest in my unicorn farm.

imissopus November 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Had they won the pennant the year of the Bartman, we would have had a Red Sox/Cubs Series. Which my brother and I agreed at the time was a sure sign that the end of the world was at hand.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Can that much FAIL exist in the same time/space?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

You know, saying that about the Cubs may be the oldest meme on the Internets.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

The Titanic was built and sunk since the Cubs last won the World Series. * sobs silently *

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Bless your heart.

gogogodzilla November 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

We Chicagoans have been working on this for years. Bring it! Mike Royko, 1981:

"Why are we connected with these yahoos, anyway? Chicagoans have little in common with the small town bumpkins and simple-minded rustics who make up most of the rest of Illinois. "

"How can anyone who lives closer to Memphis, Louisville and other such places deny that he is a rube and a bumpkin — if not an outright hillbilly?"

"It [war] is bound to come. It has been building for years. Diplomacy has failed. We can't negotiate with those Downstate boobs. They'll just continue trying to wreck this city, hoping to impose their sordid values."

"I have seen the enemy, and he's a hick."

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

*golf clap*

Dashboard_Jesus November 23, 2011 at 2:47 pm

thanks for that, Mike Royko was one of the first political writers who I can remember relating to (and I'm from Indiana) He and Molly Ivins always knew how to tell a hillbilly/ redneck to go to hell so that he looked forward to the trip!

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I like Mike Royko.

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 9:58 pm

It makes me a teensy bit sad to think that that identical article would never get published nowadays.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:03 am

"How can anyone who lives closer to Memphis, Louisville and other such places deny that he is a rube and a bumpkin — if not an outright hillbilly?"

Them's is dueling words, methinks.

Though, to be fair, I think Chicago has done a pretty good job all by itself of ruining itself.

spareme November 24, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Slats Grubnik approves of this political message.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I miss Mike.

If there had been an Internet during Jane Byrne's reign, and then the Harold Washington Council Wars, you guys would have been plenty entertained!

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

There are many songs about the city of Chicago.

Biff November 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm
b[redact]opple November 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Does this mean downstate Illinois actually exists?

nounverb911 November 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Has it ever?

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Having just left there, yes. But only in the minds of the people stuck in its crumbling infrastructure, dwindling manufacturing base and dying towns and cities.

kissawookiee November 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Downstate is such a relative term, it's hard to say. It generally means "south of my current address," although nobody who lives there ever calls it that. I hail from actual undeniable Downstate (Richland County) and once heard somebody from Danville busting on Downstate. Fucking Danville.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Yes, it does. I'm there right now. The best part are all of the Chicago kids that flee to come to school down here. Wonder why that is?

Wonderthing November 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Everyone is a state now. We should all secede! Put millions of stars on the flag which will be a jillion feet tall! I'm all for less government in my head. I'm about to secede from myself! Quick, ma, fetch me mah shootin' arn!

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

An acquaintance has said for a few years that the United States is going to undergo a break up, similar to what happened to the former Soviet Union.
I always thought he was nuts. Now, I'm beginning to believe him.

LetUsBray November 23, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Only I fear we'll be lucky if ours unfolds as smoothly.

Biff November 23, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I wouldn't mind terribly living in the State of Jefferson, or Cascadia.

SayItWithWookies November 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"The 2010 election swept a number of downstate Republicans into office, but the lame-duck Democrats went ahead and passed a 67 percent income tax increased, along with civil unions and the abolition of the death penalty in Illinois. These liberal policies are an insult to the traditional values of downstate families."

So — marriage and not dying are the liberal values that so outrage these upstanding country bumpkins? Someone needs a good hard swat with the makin'-sense stick.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I'm really not sure what the fuck these clowns think the 2010 elections in Illinois proved. The Gov, AG, Assembly and Senate are all Dem controlled -the only thing the GOP picked up was the joke that is the Illinois state Treasurer's job, which the winner promptly said should be folded in with the Comptroller or some such crap (I was already planning on leaving so I wasn't paying attention). I mean, they won some Congressional races, but hardly a polar swing, especially given how crappy a lot of the Dem candidates were and the overall mood of the country.

Redhead November 23, 2011 at 3:36 pm

It's the whole tea party mantra – how DARE this group I do not agree with infringe on MAH RIGHTS by allowing these other people to think and behave differently from me! Their actions and votes are insulting to REAL AMURIKINS LIKE ME WHO THINK LIKE ME (even though we are in the minority, which is why these things keep getting passed).

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 10:02 pm

If other people are allowed to live their own lives without my being able to make them do what I want, they're taking away my rights.

Slim_Pickins November 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

It was a 2% increase from 3% to 5%. The bumpkins also are innumerate.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

But it sounds better when you say 67% increase.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:12 pm

The way they stated it was overdramatic b.s., but technically correct. It was not a 2% increase, that's not how it's properly said.

Slim_Pickins November 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Percentages of percentages are meaningless numbers. Think of it this way.
Take $100 in taxable income, if the IL tax rate is 3%, you have $97 left after IL taxes are paid, if the IL tax rate is 5%, you have $95 left after IL taxes are paid. The difference between the two is $2, 2% of $100 because the difference between 3% and 5% is 2% not 67%. To show how absurd the 67% figure is consider that a tax increase from 6% to !0% is also a 67% increase as is one from 9% to 15%, .. 30% to 50%… These produce vaery different outcomes in terms of after tax income.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Damn, son, that stick ain't gonna do shit's worth a good for this dood, he's LONG past that point. Try a couple of heavy stones or a few resounding thwacks with the Casa de Los Gatos' patented Bat o'Clue(tm).

Chillwaver November 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Rahm's response? "Wrong state, motherfuckers!"

ManchuCandidate November 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Isn't this the whole point of Canada 2.0 and Dumbfuckistan?

These rubes don't really think of the implications do they?

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Some adjustment to the Canada 2.0 map would be needed – clip off the hanging scrotum that is downstate Illinois and voilà! Though we should be open to allowing Urbana-Champaign in as an isolated city, as West Berlin was during the Cold War. We'd need to be prepared to airlift supplies of arugula and brie of course.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

One of the few schools between UCB and Cornell with a decent math/compsci program.

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

True. I would have counted Purdue on that small list too, but the MSc they awarded Cain shattered my faith in their standards. (Admittedly, the timeline suggests it was only a consolation-prize terminal MSc. but still. Principle of the thing.)

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I have the feeling we actually know each other.

You never spent any time at MSRI, did you?

TheGyrus November 23, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Purdue also has an excellent Oven Stuffer Roaster.

lefty74 November 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

If all the hilljack counties south of Morton or Peoria annexed into Indiana, it would raise the collective IQ of both states. Go fer it.

Sue4466 November 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Sorry, I'm from out of town, is there a city in Illinois other than Chicago?

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

no.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Springfield? Oh, wait, Homer's never revealed what state that's in.

102415 November 24, 2011 at 4:54 am

Vermont. They had a contest to choose which one.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Yes.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:07 am

OMG, you forgot Rockford! ROCKFORD! You bastard!

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Is this some kind of Cheap Trick?!

johnnyzhivago November 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

It would make more sense for Illinois to merge with Texas or South Carolina. That would teach those uppity Chicago types.

offbrandboobs November 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

But with the Chicagoan love of sausage and the Republican male love of, ahem, sausage, I just don't see how this is in these folks' best interest.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

And Chicago is also the home of Abe Froman, The Sausage King!

savethispatient November 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Looks like my accidental order of 51-star spangled banners was actually an investment!

SexySmurf November 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

If Southern Illinois seceded we wouldn't end up with two states; we'd end up with one state and one Third-world country.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Hey, now, downstate has a great medical school (that can't figure out how to actually get paid by the state), some really nifty distribution centers, and a lot of agribusiness related industries (granted, those companies are shadows of what they were a generation ago, but don't speak ill of them or you'll get slapped). Plus lots of prisons, state run developmental centers and mental wards. So they are like Iowa, but hardly as bad as say, Mississippi.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 1:09 am

I've heard Southern accents in Vidalia and Effingham, jis' sayin'…

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:14 pm

No need to rip on Chicago like that. I'm from Southern Illinois, and yes, we have our issues, but you have to realize that some of the pent up anger about Chicago from elsewhere in the state is somewhat warranted. Now, I'm no secessionist by any means, but Chicagoans will regularly vote against money to fix our roads, because they will never drive on them. All of our state's money is tied up in Chicago politics and us poor suckers three and four hundred miles to the south get bent over by the criminals in the north. That said, I like Chicago (my whole family is from there) and secessionist idiots are just that, idiots. And lest you think that S. Illinois is worthless, we've given you lots of nice things: Wilco, Jimmy Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Bucky Fuller, Miles freakin' Davis, Sandra Magnus, etc… And Mississippi we definitely ain't! Nor is everything south of Chicago Republican. I live in a hugely Democratic area.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

That's your beef? The roads? The roads aren't even fixed up here! We'll give you some money for yours when we're done.

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

OT but it does seem like our history's poppin' strange cherries of late (or the latest since 2007, apparently).

SayItWithWookies November 23, 2011 at 2:52 pm

What the hell — Democrats standing up for their principles? If we stop quietly accepting institutionalized sadism, then I don't recognize this country anymore! Which is something else to be thankful for…

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

something else to be thankful for…

I suppose reading about Governor Kitzhaber's assiduous (and rather tearful) gesture of compassion, together w/ reading about Governor Brewer's recent self-inflicted smackdown, combined go down nicely as far as headlines this week that were easier to ingest than others.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Now that was some deliciously tasty smackdown. I'm gonna have to start reading TheFeatheredBastard to my sweetie as a substitute for foreplay.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Make Me Smile.

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm

*picking up ringing phone receiver*

"It's a great day in — !"

(..Which state is it a great day in, again?)

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm

State of Denial works for me.

RadiosTyrone November 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

The new state of Chicago?

Dudleydidwrong November 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Isn't downstate Illinois known as "Little Egypt?" Then maybe it's time for the Arab Spring to launch itself in" Kayro" and the other Arab strongholds. Damn! Maybe they'll secede and build some pyramids and a sphinx and things… Mubarak for governor!!!

Dashboard_Jesus November 23, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I kinda like certain parts of 'downstate' IL especially the Shawnee National Forest and Garden of Gods which have some awesome hiking/ rock climbing…of course the Feds had to 'protect' the area as a National Forest so the dumbass hillbillies wouldn't clearcut/ stripmine the whole damn place (which of course is what the morons did in Indiana and it took a hundred years for the trees to grow back!)

x111e7thst November 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

So if Illinois – Chicago = Indiana what will they do about getting a Bachmann of their own?

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Take that back! Indiana has inflicted a lot of shit on the world (from being the modern seat of the KKK's power base in the 20s to Evan "blue dog" Bayh, as well as the derivative music of Mellancamp), but Bachmann is Iowa/Minnesota's problem.

LetUsBray November 23, 2011 at 11:01 pm

"the derivative music of Mellancamp"

Thank you. Springsteen (who he clearly wants to be in the worst way – mission accomplished there) also writes a lot about small towns, but without idealizing them, leading to the suspicion that he's occasionally set foot in some of them.

BerkeleyBear November 24, 2011 at 1:24 am

Nah, Mellancamp actually lives in a tiny town (in the biggest damn house for an hour in any direction). Unlike Bruce, he didn't watch industrial towns go to shit -he grew up in and around farming towns that were shit long before he was born, and his own success has allowed him to keep the fantasy nostalgia about Seymour alive.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Derivative of who, exactly? Mellencamp doesn't sound like Springsteen. He's not a great singer, but he has always had pretty good bands. Mellencamp is a reasonably clever songwriter, certainly not deserving of the contempt one would reserve for, say, Lenny Kravitz.

Redhead November 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

First they have to get a clown serial killer and a famous cowboy of their own, THEN they get a Bachmann of their own.

kissawookiee November 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Is Mike Pence still eligible?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

This is good news for Rick Perry.

dadanarchist November 23, 2011 at 2:31 pm

This is very good news for John McCain.

Goonemeritus November 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Illinois is a little like New York in that they are dominated by one big city whose population is about half the states population. Here in New York upstaters grouse about the city but they realize without the cities tax base Upstate would have the financial prowess of Somalia (without piracy).

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Take a look at Indiana. Their population is similar to the new Illinois we are proposing.

And this is supposed to be a good thing, right? I'm not seeing it myself.

Naked_Bunny November 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I've been to rural Indiana. Its primary industries seemed to be siphoning gas from my car and selling prescription narcotics to the neighbors.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Don't forget the meth labs and fireworks stands, often right next to each other.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:38 pm

as a chicagoan i can say with some confidence that i speak for many of us when i say "don't let the door hit you in the ass"

also, if you take joe walsh, we'll pay you to go.

flamingpdog November 23, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Take Joe Walsh and just Walk Away.

Chi_town_Vinny November 23, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Amen, brother.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 9:22 pm

well technically sister, but it's a tough goddamn town.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:17 pm

But without Chicago, where are we going got get all the criminals we need to run our prisons?

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 9:26 pm

please. chicago criminals run government offices where they can make money and have, you know, power.

check out texas for prison help.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 10:22 pm

we don't need help. we need crooks, which you've just admitted you have in spades. not fear, we have some crooks down here too… political "power" ones, even.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 10:40 pm

'admitted'? what's to 'admit'? it's a point of pride here man. we run goddamn tour buses to celebrate it.

and as you note, no different that most other local governments (snark off, i'd venture a guess that downstate Il is way more of a cesspool than chicago. and let's not pick up the rock of sacremento or god forbid albany. and ALL of us are outdone by bell CA).

i was however trying to make it a joke. badly apparently. now i am sad and will need to watch an old buffy or something.

Baconzgood November 23, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Why do they want to build a wall around a shitty 70s band? I'm all for it though but I don't understand.

GOPCrusher November 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Chicago isn't shitty. They gave a lot of brass instrument players the hope that someday they may get laid.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Chicago and Earth Wind & Fire have toured together in recent years. I imagine the EWF horn players have a good ol' time cracking up over Chicago's rudimentary horn charts.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 1:39 am

As I recall (and, of course, my memory of the 70's is imperfect), CTA was okay before the apotheosis of Peter Cetera. (Maybe not fabulous charts, but interesting music).

Joshua Norton November 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Los Angeles has the same problem with San Francisco. They want to be set free. Which sucks for them because we have 90% of the water up here.

imissopus November 23, 2011 at 4:09 pm

You're thinking of the rednecks out in the Inland Empire who don't like all us L.A. liberals, with our homos and our Hollywood values and whatnot. Los Angeles would be just as happy if those idiots went away as San Francisco would.

ChernobylSoup November 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Q: Why does Chicago have all the crime, pollution, gangs, etc., etc., while downstate has all the rednecks?

A: Chicago got to pick first.

DerrickWildcat November 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I don't know much about the State of Indiana other than a guy named Booth Tarkington, who used to be a writer, used to live at a Rest Stop on I-80.

BerkeleyBear November 24, 2011 at 1:27 am

The community theater in Indianapolis is now named for Booth. And that is not something to be proud of.

edgydrifter November 23, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Just what America needs: another state with fifteen people sharing seventeen teeth and 658 hogs, with the federal power of their own two senators.

emmelemm November 23, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Yes. That.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:19 pm

We have all of our teeth in Southern Illinois. We even have dental schools. (I know, I attended one).

owhatever November 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Quick, Indiana. Build a fence.

Limeylizzie November 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I love Chicago, the rest of Illinois is a fucking bore.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 2:57 pm

But there are some fundamental differences between Indiana and Illinois as it exists now

we bring guns to knifefights and we send your guys to the morge.

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

This is the culmination of a decade that saw Chicago finally wrest control of the state capitol from the GOP. Granted, that shift got Blago elected, but it wasn't like the GOP was putting up angels before him (Gov. Ryan nods his head from prison). Even before Blago, governors had done more and more of the governing from Chicago to reflect the fact that all the money and most of the people lived in the northern part of the state, and it had begun a seemingly irreversible trend of state resources dwindling everywhere else.

Just as an example, my wife spent the last 3 years of her tenure in state government in Springfield because her immediate workforce (the people she needed to ride herd on) were based there and around the state at various centers. But everyone above her on the food chain was based out of Chicago, only came to town when the legislature was in session and their bills were being considered, and got out of dodge asap). In another decade, my wife's level of position will probably be based in Chicago too, as more and more of the state workers in Springfield retire and either aren't replaced at all or are shifted north. On the one hand, it makes complete sense, but on the other it is going to piss off all the people who are only realizing 50 years late that rural America is fucking dying on the vine. Most of those fuckers are the same white, wal-martians who fueled the TP movement in 2010 and will just get crazier as they realize the future has brown skin and like a funny sounding name (to them).

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Dear New State of Southern Illinois,
Congratulations on your new freedom from the economic engine to the north. We imagine that the population migration of your young people to cities like Chicago might drop as low as 50% eventually so the future looks bright. (It will always be 100% for the educated ones, but who needs those pointy-heads anyway? Liberals every one of them.) But we want to give you more than moral support as you build for the future. We know you want to be sure that you will be able to resist any impulse toward decency decadent socialism you want to be sure you have enough raving fundamentalists to ensure that blastocytes are declared persons, with miscarriages investigated as suspected criminally negligent homicides. That gay Americans are not only denied marriage rights and benefits, and have their children taken from them (by force if necessary) but even tarred and feathered in the public square. To make certain that Muslim-Americans are never allowed to gather in groups of more than three at a time in your shining not-city on a no-hill-to-be-found. We know you have big dreams. And to help you attain these dreams, we are giving you, no strings attached, the Calvinist enclave around Grand Rapids and Holland. Good luck in your united future.

Signed,
Michigan.

horsedreamer_1 November 23, 2011 at 7:22 pm

They call the hockey team there the Griffins, but the people are more like Slytherin.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Dear Michigan, a significant number of people in Southern Illinois are Democrats. We also have some good universities that Chicagoans can't seem to stop themselves from attending. We even have gay bars. And gay parades that the mayor attends. It's not all hillbillies south of Chicago. P.S. How's that Detroit place working out for you?

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm

If you look at my comment under Manchucandidate's post about Canada 2.0 I said Urbana-Champaign should be included, as West Berlin was in the divided Germany days. I suppose you could throw in Carbondale and Normal, sure.

Not sure what the remark about Detroit is supposed to mean. The city faces challenges to be sure, but the people are terrific and it remains a source of vibrant cultural life. The state would be much worse off without it.

freddymcmurray November 24, 2011 at 9:17 am

There's also a significant metro area on the Illinois side of the river from St. Louis (and not just the infamous St. Louis). The Democrats have won elections here for decades upon decades. Durbin's from here. So was Alan Dixon back in the day. Amongst others (some really bad, admittedly). The area is in a weird position in that it is pretty much a suburb of St. Louis, but because it's in Illinois, it enjoys fewer of the perks of St. Louis (financially), because our money comes (or doesn't, as the case may be) from Springfield (ie Chicago). Point is, contrary to what Chicagoans think, the rest of Illinois isn't strictly a bible belt land of conservative loons. Yes, we have them. But we also have a lot of Dems, libertarians, and anything else you'd find around the country. Yes, there are some nimrods that want to "secede" from Chicago, but they are morons and will be defeatedly quite easily.

As for Detroit, I goofed and conflated my reply to your comment with another I made elsewhere. (when someone was giving me shit about East St. Louis). Any you said that Chicago was the engine, insinuating that mega cities are preferable and ones that we downstaters should genuflect to their greatness. I was simply pointing out that some of those cities end up like Detroit as business and demographics ebb and flow. I'm sure Detroit will once again be a great city like it once was. But it's got some serious problems these days. I also wasn't appreciative of your tone towards "new illinois", because I would by geography be part of it if it actually happened (it won't). And thought you might like to know that not everyone in the state outside of Chicago is like the doofuses suggesting secession. Many of us are über liberal in fact.

BerkeleyBear November 24, 2011 at 1:31 am

Shit, even South Africa doesn't want the uptight Calvinists of SW Michigan. My dad grew up in GR, and my in-laws used to live in Grand Haven, and the Bible thumping freaks there rivaled anything I've ever seen in the South.

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

It really is a strange place. What really sets it apart from the South, though, is that the Calvinist are far more insular/less evangelical, their religion really unadorned, and a committment to intellectualism (i.e. Hope College, Calvin College). It's always freaky visitng that part of the state. Some of the small communities can feel like a cult or stepford town. I do appreciate that they stick to themselves, but man if they aren't fundamentalists. I guess if I had to describe it it would be like having a slice of Utah in Michigan, but without the huge amount of domestic missionaries. Like Utah's white population is largely homogenous (mostly of English acenstry), West Michigan's is largely Dutch, and if you aren't from the community, things can be very lonely. I went to school with a lot of Reformed Church kids, and boy if they don't stick together.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:22 pm

You're killin' me. Paragraph breaks!

Antispandex November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

"(PSSST, TAKE THE DEAL, CHICAGO.)"

Really! If you get an actual chance at it, you should jump all over the chance to bankrupt these sorry red necks.

DahBoner November 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

The long ride back to Downstate, IL after a night out in Chi-town is enuff to make anyone this stupid…

imissopus November 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm

If David Foster Wallace was still alive, I could look forward to a 30,000-word essay (with footnotes) about this in a future issue of Harper's.

dduke45 November 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Gawd, I thought you were kidding til' I went and looked it up.
Jesus H Christ on a cracker, give 'em whatever they want to get 'em the hell outta' here.
Hopefully those morons can link up with all the states south of the Mason Dixon line, and east of the Mississippi, and secede from the Union. Yea, they can call it Somalia II: Return of the Zombies.
Assholes.

ndisang67 November 23, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Would we have stoning for adultery in Southern Illinois?

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm

For Democrats and Independents found guilty of adultery, sure.

harry_palmer November 25, 2011 at 10:28 am

In Southern Illinois, adultery is defined as fucking someone other than your sister/ mother.

ndisang67 November 23, 2011 at 4:37 pm

OMG…South Illinois…just hoping they don't ban booze…

SaintRond November 23, 2011 at 5:13 pm

You have to see rural Illinois to believe it. It's like something out of H.P. Lovecraft. Black coal smoke sky populated by pale albino like amphibian shit with misshapen skulls and teeth growing out of the sides of their jaws like ten generations of syphilis. And then to top off their being congenitally unter menschen beings they're all on fucking crystal. They've got debter's prison in Illinois and a legal system that locks up more people than Louisiana. Every white man looks like a serial killer with old style duck bill haircuts and sideburns that go down to their jawlines and the women all have meth mouth and think they've finally made it when they become day maids for Motel 6 where they give blowjobs for tips.

It's Republican Heaven over in rural Illinois. Fucking disgusting.

rocktonsam November 23, 2011 at 5:13 pm

and those gay Cubs, also

sbj1964 November 23, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Fundamentalist Christians, try to take the Fun out of everything ,and replace it with da,and Mental.If they could America would become Teabeckastan ! Pat Robertson head Mullah.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:25 pm

The southern part of Illinois isn't filled with fundamentalist Christians. It's filled with GERMANS. Tons of Catholic, Lutheran, and UCC churches. Oh yeah, and bars. And beerfests. My local newspaper obits read like the obits in Düsseldorf.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Sounds a lot like Wisconsin and Minnesota.

By the way, although I have snapped a couple towels at your ass, I respect your reasoned defense of downstate.

donner_froh November 23, 2011 at 6:03 pm

"And what’s the biggest difference? Indiana doesn’t have Chicago."

One of the many reasons that Indiana is fucked up.

thefrontpage November 23, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I'm creating the new state MilaKunisapolis, where I'm the Governor, and the only people allowed in my new state are women who look just like Mila Kunis! I think this will be the best state ever, in the entire history of the world!

Pres.Libunatic November 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Guess they forgot about that part of the Constitution that requires consent of the Illinois legislature and Congress. Considering Congress can't legislate its way out of a paper bag, this would be tough to pull off…

Also, don't the dumbasses know that this would result in two new Democratic Senators and a bunch of new Democratic Representatives? That's one of the things that is stopping DC statehood, after all…….

horsedreamer_1 November 23, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Also, the Darkness.

freddymcmurray November 23, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Guess where John bought this sweatshirt? Southern Illinois, mutha truckers!
http://nationallampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/200

tessiee November 23, 2011 at 9:56 pm

*sings*
The night Chicago died…

datateday November 23, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Springfield is the capital of Illinois. Go take your address of grievances over to Mayor Quimby…

Negropolis November 24, 2011 at 12:50 am

Michigan's been wanting to do that with Detroit, forever, and Detroit and Michigan are even different from one another than Chicago and Illinois. Detroit's about 80% black and Michigan's about 80% white.

BTW, I've heard both Governor Snyder, here, and then these two clowns mention Indiana as some kind of utopia. Sorry for an Indianans, here, but Indiana is the Mississippi of the Great Lakes, a place where you strangely see more non-ironic Confederate flags than any Northern state should ever have to see.

Ashcashbagash November 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Gary, Indiana have the highest murder rate in the country?

fitley November 24, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I live in Chicago and I say; Let those Goobers go. Let's face it Southern Illinoisans are an embarrassment . Sure they're not as inbred as Hoosiers, but still. They do have all the characteristics of a limited gene pool. Giant misshapen heads with big ears sticking out. Oddly shaped bodies. Obese cross eyed children. They would really complement Indiana's cretins.

ttommyunger November 24, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Chicago, Indiana, Illinois? May I direct this to the Department of "Who Really Gives a Fuck?".

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 7:11 pm

That department is fully booked with GA issues.

ttommyunger November 25, 2011 at 7:59 pm

And I include Georgia in that category as well. Just because I reside here does not make me one of “them”.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:21 pm

The whole fucking Tri-State Area (Quad, if you count the lakeside summer cottages in southwest Michigan) is lucky we exist to provide a Third Coast. Enjoy your flat and boring, downstate Illinois and Indiana!

HistoriCat November 25, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Enjoy your flat and boring

Chet – there's no need to insult their wives, girlfriends, and/or sisters.

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Not MSRI as such, but I taught at Berkeley in the early 90s, and i've given talks there since. Lived on Hillegass (sp?). Went to a couple of talks at MSRI and spoke to people there, but I was never affiliated, and never gave a talk there. My research specialty is sufficiently distinctive that it would be almost uniquely identifying so I don't want to be more specific than "broadly speaking theoretical computer science and logic".

Chichikovovich November 24, 2011 at 1:01 am

The Finnish former nordic skiier that I mentioned on another thread (turned Complex Analyst, studying quasi-conformal functions) and his wife (Commutative Algebra) were at MSRI a few years ago, though. [He passed away from cancer, heartbreakingly young, three years ago.]

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Ah.

No further identifying information needed. I'm extremely paranoid anyway.

PalinzADummy November 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm

You know the Vaziranis, though, correct?

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I know of them, to be sure, and I know and admire their work. And I once had occasion to devote a significant chunk of my young life to Vijay's thrilling book on approximation algorithms. But I don't know any of them personally. I don't think I've spoken to any one of them, and if I did, it would have been just a fleeting "nice to meet you" type exchange at a party.

Chichikovovich November 23, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Not that I'm worried that you would be able to figure it out – I'd be fine with that. I'm kind of hoping that through enough indirect hints you can. It's just having all these weasely Breitbart types apparently checking out my catalogue of posts occasionally (and everyone else too, nothing special about me), I don't want to put up with the hassle of saying something that sets them off enough to figure out who I am and begin doing the Michele Malkin countertop peeking treatment or acting in ways that would impact the lives of my kids or Chichikovna.

freddymcmurray November 24, 2011 at 9:06 am

Yeah, it's not a bad town, particularly considering its surroundings. There are indeed worse places to live.

freddymcmurray November 24, 2011 at 9:25 am

no problems. sorry, i was just being a smartass. when you say cesspool, what do you mean exactly? it's definitely cleaner than chicago, even infamous dystopias like East St. Louis. cost of living is lower. there are some decent schools in many of the cities. (but not all). we have educated people. serious institutions too (my hometown sports the second oldest philharmonic in the country! and that same town invented kindergarten!). yes, we also have podunk. some rednecks, lots of farm towns. and some former industrial cities that have suffered the fate of industry in towns all up and down the Mississippi. And cities that once had promise but are now rough or dead (Decatur comes to mind). I'm just saying that all of the state is not a fundie hellscape or meth head haven as some have implied.

Also, we gave the Cubs one of their pitchers (Wells). He went to the same school I did. :) We're not all bad and the majority of us think this secession nonsense is just that.

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 5:13 pm

OK, that describes maybe 4 wards, all north of the river, but yay, Chicago!!

Chet Kincaid November 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

One of the fun parts of Ozzie Guillen's reign as White Sox Manager was his annual, ostentatious complaints about the grand shithole facilities at Wrigley Field. Oh, and winning it all, of course.

ShaveTheWhales November 26, 2011 at 1:34 am

I like Johnny Cougar, and his resemblance to Bruce is indeed scant. If he's derivative of anybody, I'd say maybe Steve Miller (and, by extension, every other three-chord-and-a-minor-fall rocker).

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