Morning Gifzette was late today! Mayor Bloomberg apologizes for the error.New polling shows fully half of the nation would support an attack on Iran should the latest sanctions fail. Considering that the consensus at last night’s debate was that sanctions had already failed, we’re all basically living 2002 all over again.

Occupy Wall St. had it’s biggest media week yet according to a study from the Pew Research Center, though Politico is doing it’s damndest to stem that with this report that municipalities have blown $13 million on pepper spray and rubber bullets. Occupiers in Los Angeles claimed victory yesterday, while marchers en route from New York to DC (who somehow tragically forgot to nickname themselves The Proclaimers) arrived in the capital.

We didn’t know whether to LOL or WTF at the news that AIG is filing a $25 billion lawsuit against the federal government.

Finally, today, some important turkey-related programming notes.

Turkey is becoming highly politicized of late, in what we fear is only the latest theater in the liberal War on Christmas. Adam Gopnik appropriates the turkey as a symbol of populist struggle, and Pamela Gellar wishes to warn you that if you eat that Butterball you’ll probably turn into an underwear bomber. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

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  • nounverb911

    "Bombing Iran, Politicizing Turkey"
    But aren't there mountains in the way?

    • Oblios_Cap

      At least three of them, I'm told!

    • OccupytheDashboard

      All of them, Katie

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I lived in Turkey for 3 years when I was a teenager, and my work required that I spend around 4 weeks a year there for five years (1999-2004). It's a very cool place once you get past the whole Armenian genocide thing. Beautiful women abound.

    ETA sorry, wrong Turkey. But it was full of Muslims.

    • boobookitteh

      It would be easier to get past the Armenian Genocide if Turkey would admit it happened.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's a no-shitter. I've known a lot of Turks, generally nice people, but they have this collective blind spot of denial that they just can't seem to shed.

        • boobookitteh

          Considering that it's illegal in Turkey to discuss or write about the Genocide in any terms that mark it as such, that's not surprising. The Turkish people I have no beef with; the government of Turkey holding Mid-East access and bases hostage so that the US won't call it 'Genocide' is another story.

      • SexySmurf

        Is it a bad time to point out that tomorrow we'll be celebrating a much larger genocide committed by people that looked like me.

        • savethispatient

          I didn't realize the Pilgrims were blue… Or sexy for that matter.

        • boobookitteh

          'tis the season for miracles and genocide.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "Thanks be to God that our weapons and diseases were much more deadly than theirs."

        • Numbat_Dundee

          You smurfs are a violent lot, aren't you?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The question is, did you bomb Iran while you had the chance?

  • nounverb911

    "Pamela Gellar wishes to warn you that if you eat that Butterball you’ll probably turn into an underwear bomber."
    David Vitter has a new job?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Different kind of bomb.

  • HempDogbane

    Turkey is Muslin ! For God's sake eat ham !

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why do you think Ben Franklin used to like to have sex with them?

  • elviouslyqueer

    We didn’t know whether to LOL or WTF at the news that AIG is filing a $25 billion lawsuit against the federal government.

    Fuck Iran. Bomb AIG (again).

    • Oblios_Cap

      Another reason to hate Man U.

    • Negropolis

      AIG: Too fuckin' shameless to allow to survive.

      "Too big to fail," my ass.

  • SorosBot

    Why the fuck would any non-Muslim care if turkey meat is certified halal? Geller must think it has magic powers to turn people Muslim or something. Although I do eat at a kosher deli near my office fairly frequently, and I am very neurotic…

    • Oblios_Cap

      I knew you were Woody Allen!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I know the last time I ate at a Kosher deli, my foreskin fell off.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    I had to take the curse off my Halal turkey by sitting it next to a pork tenderloin in the fridge.

    • bagofmice

      Welcome to the club.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There's going to be an express train to Troubletown if it is discovered that Cheetos and Mountain Dew are certified halal.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Allah forbid that Red Bull is!

    • Master Janitor V572

      Chocolate milk and Fritos also make a healthy, tasty breakfast.

  • Ducksworthy

    I think the Sharia butterballs is my favorite. Thank you Atlas Jugs. Speaking of fanatical butterballs.

  • Shows how much this nation of sheep is led around by the nose by its corrupt media.

  • teebob2000

    Pamela Gellar is a cunt.

    Too obvious??

  • memzilla

    Actually, it's not AIG filing suit, it's Hank (Maurice) Greenberg who's doing it. Greenberg was forced to resign his 37-year-long chairmanship of AIG after NYS AG Spitzer went after him for various flavors of fraud, which are still winding through civil court.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That reminds me – I've got to go home after this ever so productive workday and brine my turkey.

    Thanks, Wonkette!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm assuming that is an euphemism.

  • We are the World Police.

  • elviouslyqueer

    And anti-Islam, anti-bear activist Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association tweeted this warning on Tuesday: “Be advised: every single Butterball turkey sold in America this Thanksgiving has been sacrificed to Allah first.”

    Bryan's just pissed because Butterball never gave his idea for crucifying turkeys on a cross any traction.

    • littlebigdaddy

      But he's ok on twinks?

    • Biff

      Crucifying turkeys, you say? closest I've come is spatchcocking.

  • SayItWithWookies

    There's something else I can be thankful for — I'll be making deep-fried tofu that was slaughtered in the traditional bushido manner. So far, Pammy doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about the threat of creeping Shinto.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Careful now. The next thing you know you'll be planting cherry trees along Constitution Avenue and bombing Pearl Harbor.

    • Barrelhse

      Soybeans are people, too, my friend.

  • not that Dewey

    Don't worry, Pam. You can counteract the Halal Sharia effect of the turkey by nailing its feet to the table.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That nailing bit certainly lends a certain Christian appeal.

    • Gah!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Christ! Can't we at least finish one war before starting a new one? We're the schollyard bullies with ADD.

    But I'm cool with it as long as we don't raise taxes on the 1%.

    • Chichikovovich

      You always need to have at least two wars going on at once. Because with only one war, the risk is always there that the other side might suddenly say "OK, you've won our hearts and minds. We're on your team now." And then there would be a stretch with no war at all. People might start to wonder why we keep spending hundreds of billions on planes the Pentagon says it doesn't want. Like the stuff manufactured in Bohner's district.

      • Biff

        Doesn't the war on Xmas count?

        • Negropolis

          Only if we started bombing the North Pole. Sorry, but the sanctions aren't working.

  • Goonemeritus

    During this blessed Thanksgiving season all Americans should be asking their government who have we forgotten to bomb.

  • Arken

    If journalists did their fucking jobs, they would ask these idiot candidates how they expect Iran to attack the U.S. with a nuke like they claim. Iran's missiles could, at most, get to Eastern Europe and accurate targeting wouldn't happen.

    • Ever hear of Nuclear Magic Carpet Bombs???? eh???

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's lackadaisacal attitudes like yours that allowed Saddam Hussein to acquire nuclear weapons, you know. Had we not invaded Iraq when we did, he was gonna send a fleet over here — down the Persian Gulf, along the African Coast, around Cape Horn, northwest across the Atlantic and then boom! Florida would've been crawling with Baathists. Is that what you want? Huh?

      • Arken

        According to [p]Rick Perry, Mexico is already being overrun with Al Qaeda, so we're already too late!

      • Ummm, yes.

  • If we're in the neighborhood, why not just bomb Turkey too!

  • SorosBot

    It's ironic that Geller is Jewish, because the meat that's certified as halal is also certified as kosher, because the halal and kosher rules are the exact same fucking things, which is not surprising when you're dealing with two religions which sprang from the same local desert cult, worship the exact same god and share most of their basic mythology. God people are stupid.

    • orygoon


    • Redhead

      I love you.

      • SorosBot


  • Word of the Day (via, popped into Mumbletypeg's head): transmogrify[v.]

    a.) what Pam Geller fears will result from exposure of her clean Christian footmen to food processing of unsanctioned origin;

    b.) what Pam Geller needs to revert to from her altered state: the craven toad* she began as and secretly is destined to become again.

    *an anagram of transmogrify is "tiny frog arm" but I like 'craven toad' [©K.Layne] better

  • Needz moar Obama Pardoning Turkey Photoz….

  • OccupytheDashboard

    "torturous method: Islamic slaughter,"

    What…more torturous than that hillbilly in Alaska stuffing a live turkey headfirst into a parking cone and slitting it's throat? What's the deal with Islamic butchering that would make it "torturous"?

    • Biff

      You obviously don't remember those beheading youtubes from Al Qaida with love, which is the exact same thing.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        They slaughter turkeys in front of video cameras??

        • Biff

          Oh child, there's so much you haven't learned…

    • Repubicans sure like to claim expertise on torture.

      Like Kosher meat, the purpose is to slaughter as humanely as the iron age tools — aka a knife — permits. This comes either from a wish to spare all of God's creatures undue suffering, or from a belief that animal spirits should be feared (as the "scape goat" carried away sins).

      • Mumbly_Occupado

        Well, that, coupled with a prohibition from consuming blood (basically, an iron-age, first-order approximation at food safety regulations) which oblige kosher and halal abattoirs to bleed animals before butchering. There probably were still more humane slaughter method to bronze and iron-age desert tribes, but not really as many that meet both criteria simultaneously.

  • user-of-owls

    Fair warning: Owls is gonna flog this story with the same aggravating obstinacy as he did with the Palin Hookworm Conjecture and poopyhead.

    So here's the Mitt-wit quote from last night:

    …what happened in Indonesia back in the 1960s, where — where we helped Indonesia move toward modernity with new leadership. We — we brought them in the technology that allowed them to trade in the world.

    To recap, in 1965 the US-backed dictator Sukarno embarked on a genocidal campaign against any and all Indonesians that fell into the, "Well, He Could Be A Communist, Right?" category. The very lowest estimates put the number of dead at a half million, while credible sources (including the army itself!) put the toll at between twice to ten times that many. And just how, exactly, did 'we' help Indonesia move toward modernity with new leadership?

    …senior U.S. diplomats and CIA officials compiled lists of communist operatives and provided a list of approximately 5,000 names to the Indonesian Army while it was fighting the Indonesian communist party and its sympathisers.

    So why this rant? Because as of roughly 11:40am CST, there is not a single fucking media outlet reporting on this!! So until someone does (I'm looking at you Wonket), I will begin taking threads hostage and snarkassassinating them. You have been warned.

    • elviouslyqueer


      • user-of-owls

        Hah! I never saw that one coming! Really!

      • Biff


        • user-of-owls

          It was a left jab that felt more like a right hookworm.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Romney's agenda is no less scary and repressive than the other candidates' — he just manages to look moderate because he's not as crazy as they are. Rest assured that if any Republican wins the presidency in 2012 all the Dubya-era neocon war criminals will be right back in the driver's seat, wanting to bomb Iran, ban abortion, end public education, defile our land, air and water and keep on deficit spending.

      As far as Indonesia goes, I'll bet Romney would love to give them East Timor back since Bill Clinton approved of their independence and used the evil UN to help them achieve it.

    • elviouslyqueer

      See, I'm going to be a cynical motherfucker (SHOCKING) about Mitt's remarks. I'd be willing to wager that the only reason he trotted out Indonesia because it's so far off the radar of most Americans. Sure it's Asian, but nobody really "cares" about it… not like Japan (who is our friend), China (who owns us and from whom we buy lots of cheap shit), North Korea (who scares us), or Vietnam (who also scares us, albeit in a historical sense). Plus, it's not Muslim-y (like Malaysia) or vaguely intriguing in a public spanking kinda way (like Singapore).

      Besides all that, Indonesia doesn't have nearly the Commie baggage that Vietnam does, so it was easy for Mitt to trot this out without fear of anyone calling him on it. Yet, that is.

      • user-of-owls

        The laughable ignorance of US Americans notwithstanding, Indonesia is (as you likely know already) the largest Muslim-y country on the planet.

        And so you are completely correct. Though it might've been cool if he went with Bhutan.

    • Negropolis

      But, but, Indonesia is so FAR, man. You can't expect the American media to care about somewhere so far away. lol

      Honestly, though, our involvement over there is probably too obscure a point of history for more of the media to remember. Hell, we forget the basic facts about Vietnam. Indonesia may as well be invisible, despite it being the fourth most populous nation on the globe. Now, if they ever decided to go after Australia or some shit, then we'd take notice, but they tend to keep to their immediate neighborhood given all the tiny, sometimes lawless pieces that compose the nation.

  • orygoon

    “In a little-known strike against freedom, yet again, we are being forced into consuming meat slaughtered by means of a torturous method: Islamic slaughter,” Geller writes.

    OMG. Like a conservatard in this country, even one of them, is concerned with the welfare of our mistreated-forever food animals. (Actually, George Will has written decent things on the subject–the only times I have ever agreed with that twit.) But Jesus, Mary, and Allah, this level of hypocrisy on a subject I already am sensitive to makes me nauseous.

    • Someone should tell Geller Muslims — oh lets see — don't use crack.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's just like how Dubya discovered women's rights for about fifteen minutes after the Taliban was overthrown and Laura informed him that girls might start going to school again, or how the GOP becomes immensely concerned with racism when Allen West says something ridiculously inflammatory and stupid — they manage to have little flashes of equality when it's politically convenient.

  • Indiepalin

    The turkeys are hitting the pavement like sacks of wet cement!

    • Biff

      As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If bombing Iran would bring us back to 2002, I'm all for it, as my house would be worth what I paid for it again.

  • Lyin' Ass Bitch Libel!

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    The only time I've seen anything approaching this level of bigoted horseshit is when the more rabid antisemitic "white power" morons moan about the "Jew Tax" – the little K on foodstuffs which indicates that it's kosher.

    Now, if you tried to "report" on that as a serious opinion piece (the "Jew Tax"), you'd be rightly hoofed out of whichever news institution you happened to be scrawling for. Seems that attacking Teh Mooslims is fine, however.

    • user-of-owls

      It wasn't always thus.

      [the 'great majority' of the US constitutional assembly rejected inserting 'Jesus Christ' into the document] in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindoo and Infidel of every denomination.

      Thomas Jefferson, 'Autobiography'

      • So reasonable. So enlightened. Didn't they take him out of the history books in Texas?

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Yes, yes they did. He was far too tolerant and had waaay too much book-larnin' for those folks.

        • user-of-owls

          Why yes, yes they did. And that, children, is why Texas was burned to the ground.

        • SorosBot

          Reasonable and enlightened when it comes to religion, anyway; it didn't stop him from owning his girlfriend and their children.

        • Negropolis

          He's so reasonable he even included many of us "infidels"! Woohoo!

          • A whole bunch–"Infidel of every denomination". That must cover Pagan, Shinto, animism even Mormonism although that hadn't been invented yet.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    “In a little-known strike against freedom, yet again, we are being forced into consuming meat slaughtered by means of a torturous method: Islamic slaughter,” Geller writes.

    So, torturing Muslim turkeys: bad. Torturing actual Muslims: good.

  • Redhead

    But if you fry your turkey, does it take out all the underwear bomberness?

  • BornInATrailer

    Happy Halolidays!

    • orygoon

      Not sure if that's a big WIN, but you can zip up one of the big ladders.

  • These guys brag about how they're going to stop Iran from getting a bomb. I recall North Korea decided to resume its nuclear program after Dubya threw them into the Axis of Evil. A few months later the inspectors were out and a couple years later they set off a bomb-like device. And this was when we were pretty gung ho about going to war with anyone who wasn't "with us".

    All the posturing about stopping NK led to … nothing. Is there any reason to think Obama or Gingrich or Romney will be any more successful?

    • doloras

      See, the difference between NK and Iraq is that NK actually HAS weapons of mass destruction.

    • Banelm

      The thing is, Nuclear weapons were cutting edge in the 1930s &1940s. A microwave oven is much more technically sophisticated. Any nation that can manufacture microwaves could easily have nuclear weapons, the only real restriction nowadays is the US stranglehold on some of the necessary raw materials that go into the weapons. The very idea that we can prevent anyone from getting nukes is silly and only getting sillier as time goes by.

  • I heard an awful fact on NPR this morning. The money the USA spends on our military is 50 % of what the rest of the world is spending.

    With that much stuff we just gotta bomb something I guess.

    • orygoon

      So if the entire rest of the world united against us and attacked, the outcome would be a coin toss?

      This is clearly unacceptable, alarming, and weak. And since hiking taxes to pay for more guns is also unacceptable, let's completely drain our State (let's-play-with-others-nicely) Department.

    • dennis1943

      So,with a ten-percent reduction,we'd still be spending 45%………..should not that be enough?

  • poorgradstudent

    Why can't we bomb AIG instead? Maybe we can if we convince Joe Lieberman that they too are anti-Israel.

  • DahBoner

    Who cares about Iranian nukes?

    Teh Groupon price just dropped below IPO offering price!


    • sbj1964

      I think if Iran wants Nukes, we should send them some special delivery !

  • "Pew Research" Hahahahahahahahaha! LOL!
    They should come over and do some Pew Research on Aunt Patty after the Thanksgiving dinner. LOL!

  • sbj1964

    The Republican ,and the right wing are running scared of the 99%. They try to label them as Socialist,because they want to take wealth from the rich,and redistribute it to the poor.( A Lie)So,what do you call the 1% who take money from the middle class,and redistribute it to the wealthiest 1%? The GOP !

  • Negropolis

    Great alt-text. lol Bloomberg doesn't apologize for shit. Nothing. Nada. Rien. Nunca. He is mentally incapable of recognizing he's ever erred.

    BTW, the Occupiers need at least one mass action per week. They can't let this die out, not even the visual part of the movement, or they might as well drop the "Occupy" qualifier. I mean, even if it's just a large gathering at a park of their choosing one day a week, we need the visual.

    Oh, and Pam Geller! Creepin' Chistendom on a cross that bitch is crazy.

  • Negropolis

    I can't believe Iran would want a nuke, what with us threatening it with violence every fuckin' day of the year for decades, and having penned it in on both sides with Iraq and Afghanistan, and playing chicken with it in the Gulf, and with them noticing how Pakistan having nukes keeps us off that country's back. Why would they ever want nukes? It boggles the mind.

    I'll keep saying it; the day they get operational nukes is the day we find a way to save face and make them a complicated US "ally". That's also the same day Bibi's government falls if he even makes it that long. Without Iran, the Israeli government would actually have to confront its domestic issues.

  • Barrelhse

    I've been thinking of possible ways to make a rudimentary pipe-bomb out of Pam Geller. It gets interesting.

  • ttommyunger

    So sad. If Pam and that Coulter cunt could just shut the fuck up for a minute they might just accidentally get the good Missouri Horse-Fucking they so desperately need………Nawwwww!

  • horsedreamer_1

    I saw a screening of Twilight: Breaking Dawn today, & one of the attendees was wearing a Muslin headscarf. Ipso facto, as all Muslins do not condone any western art, that Mormon fairy tale must be actually a Sharia manual. In which case, Twilight must be banned.

    (I thought to submit this to Pam Gellar, but I'm afraid she'd actually believe it.)

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