It’s time for the least-informed people in America to debate the whole world, or something! Welcome, happy thanksgiving! We finally have the CNN livefeed working, and now it’s time to painstakingly document the Brutal Idiocy we are about to be subjected to, for America.
8:10 PM — Did they really waste 12 minutes of this debate with intros and commercials and candidate statements? Well done, CNN! We have already been spared a full 12 minutes of dingbat nonsense.
8:11 PM — Mitt Romney wants us to know that Mitt Romney is “also my first name.” Noted.
8:14 PM — Michele Bachmann gasps/farts when Ron Paul says he’s against the Patriot Act. Doesn’t Ron Paul know that Michele Bachmann’s parents were in the Navy or whatever?
8:16 PM — One of these debates, they’re just going to pepper spray Ron Paul for all his talk of “liberty” and “Bill of Rights.”
8:17 PM — Newt Gingrich is going to use the Patriot Act on Timothy McVeigh. That will show Ron Paul! (Are they doing the alternate history game again?)
8:17 PM — Who will applaud wife beating and child abuse in the home? Ron Paul just confused the hell out of these people … a few clap, confused.
8:18 PM — Michele Bachmann, do you agree with the opposing views of Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul? “I agree with the American people. Technology is totally different.”
8:19 PM — Also, uhh … Barack Obama has given the CIA to the ACLU? “We don’t read them their rights.”
8:19 PM — Now Jon Huntsman is going to be all “sane” and “I lived overseas.” Whatever, Barack Obama Jr.!
8:20 PM — “I see Tom Ridge here, a great former secretary of Homeland Security.” HAHAHAHAH.
8:21 PM — Huntsman notes that “America has a brand name around the world.” Sure does! In Egypt right now, they’re using it to validate the vicious police and army action against tens of thousands of peaceful protesters.
8:21 PM — Mitt’s serious, empty voice immediately makes all people sleep. He says word, such as “crime,” and “war,” and “terror,” and “war,” and “tools,” and “war,” and “property.” Mostly “property.” Then he reads some laws, out loud, as bedtime stories for Earth.
8:22 PM — Mitt Romney just took a full minute to say … nothing?
8:22 PM — Rick Perry knows what to do about terrorism: “I would privatize the TSA and get rid of those unions.”
8:23 PM — It’s going to be fun to watch all these motherfuckers hanged.
8:24 PM — Who will Rick Santorum personally torture? “I think Muslims will be someone we’ll look at.”
8:25 PM — Ron Paul: “What if they look like Timothy McVeigh?” Tim McVeigh is cool again!
8:26 PM — Oh boy, now Doktor Paul is talking about how the U.S. is now assassinating American citizens around the world. Quick, Wolf-face, toss it to Herman Cain so we can get some weird nonsense to change the subject.
8:26 PM — Herman Cain will privatize the Patriot Act. But do not throw out the baby with the bathwater! The terrorists, who don’t exist, are going to KILL ALL OF US. Herman Cain will KILL THEM FIRST … or identify them.
8:27 PM — Oh my, “No Blitz …” then he talks a while, and says, “Sorry Blitz, Wolf.” Good god this is like having Homestar Runner at a presidential debate.
8:28 PM — The witch scarecrow cackles, Wolf makes a funny. (He did not.)
8:29 PM — “It’s a haven for bad behavior.” Jon Huntsman, apparently talking about Afghanistan.
8:30 PM — Nothing is quite as funny/terrifying as hearing Wolf “Blitz” say, “Congressman Bachmann, you are a member of the foreign intelligence committee.”
8:31 PM — Bachmann catches herself jabbering about some totally different subject, and replies to her other personality, “No, this is a dual answer.” She just interrupted herself to tell herself that she was giving a “dual answer” by talking about a different country.
8:32 PM — The split screen of Perry and Bachmann is horrifying. She looks like she is watching, in her mind, zombies crawl out of the corpse of a zebra who just ate Jesus.
8:33 PM — Haha, Michele is calling Rick Perry “naive.” This is like toddlers arguing over a clump of mud.
8:34 PM — Rick Perry thinks he can solve the Pakistan-Afghanistan septic tank with a “trade zone.”
8:35 PM — Asked about America spending TWO BILLION DOLLARS A WEEK on the failed occupation of Afghanistan, Mitt Romney …. snore, sorry, we fell asleep again. Now we’re back? Mitt Romney is talking about “Indonesia.” Does he mean Vietnam?
8:36 PM — Jon Huntsman is trying to be “honest” and have a “smart conversation” and wants to be rational, etc. Wrong party, Jon!
8:37 PM — Mitt Romney trying to channel … Reagan? Somebody he saw on CSI? … starts barking like the assistant principal at Huntsman. Huntsman’s all, “Did you hear what I said?”
8:38 PM — Mitt Romney’s reasons to stay in Afghanistan is that we’ve been there for a long time, and spent a lot of money there. Excellent reasoning, Mittens.
8:39 PM — Huntsman reminds Romney that the president is the commander in chief, not some general somewhere (many of which have been fired, in Afghanistan, by the commander in chief). Romney is such an empty suit, he redefines that entire cliche.
8:39 PM — Oh dear Allah, did Romney really say “cut and run”? He did, he did.
8:40 PM — Whining feedbag baby Newt Gingrich is whining about how nobody will let him talk, now he’s whining about people not debating what Newtie wants to debate, and now he’s bitching and whining about whether or not his answer is 30 seconds or not. He is a petulant little bitch.
8:43 PM — Fetus-fetishist Rick Santorum wants us to know the terrorist-Muslims in his mind will NEVER GIVE UP, and they will never die, for they are Immortal, like Jesusween, and that’s why we can never have “timelines” or “end wars” because the Immortals will be Waiting, Waiting, forever, forever, to … blow some shit up in Iraq and Afghanistan, like they do all the time. COMMERCIAL BREAK NOW WE ARE OPENING A BOTTLE OF WINE DAMMIT WE WERE NOT GOING TO DRINK TONIGHT/THIS WEEK BUT GAH!
8:48 PM — Nobody in this audience wants to ask anyone a question. Nobody. Intolerable silence, dead air.
8:48 PM — Finally, a Heritage Foundation clown — Heritage is hosting this debate — gets his important question which is the only foreign policy question ever asked by the Heritage Foundation: “When Israel attacks Iran ….”
8:49 PM — Herman Cain is not sure if he would support it, because there are mountains in Iran.
8:49 PM — Ron Paul isn’t going to do it, and not just because he wants Israel’s military to go fuck itself. He is against it because MOSSAD told him they aren’t going to do such a thing, because they think it is dumb. Ron Paul doesn’t want any part of it, let them bomb what they want, let them “suffer the consequences.” Ron Paul says it’s none of his business, Israel has 200 or 300 nuclear missiles, don’t send our kids to Israel!” (What about our Young Jews who like to visit Israel, Ron?)
8:51 PM — Big cheers from the Paultards, wearing their V masks.
8:51 PM — Herman Cain would like to re-state that he has learned there are mountains somewhere in Iran.
8:54 PM — Rick Perry pronounces it “shanctions.” That’s his “squirmish.”
8:55 PM — Michele Bachmann suddenly is for “energy independence,” even though she (and the whole GOP) has done very little lately but bitch about renewable-energy companies getting the usual Washington corporate welfare.
8:56 PM — Why hasn’t Barack Obama nuked Iran? “He changed the course of history.” Uhm.
8:57 PM — Paul Wolfowitz! #OWS should march in right now and duct-tape this motherfucker to a post, take it outside and douse him with pepper spray. (And then do the same to everyone else in this auditorium, on stage and in the audience.)
8:59 PM — Wolf Blitzer is now slowly repeating the questions to Herman Cain, because Herman Cain never has any fucking clue what the question is. This is like having your senile Grandpa at the Thanksgiving Table keep answering any conversational topic with a story about when he visited the 1902 World’s Fair.
9:00 PM — Mitt Romney, finally getting a chance to talk about the military budget, brings up his own invention, “Obamacare.”
9:01 PM — Haha, Ron Paul: “Well, they’re not cutting anything out of anything, believe me. There’s nothing cut from the military. The people on the Hill are hysterical because the budget isn’t going up as fast as they expect it to.” Cheers from the Paultards. Mittens recites some numbers from his robot chip, says “the list goes on,” immediate silence as everyone falls asleep again.
9:03 PM — Mitt has lost everyone, and finally realizes it, so he throws out the old, “And when I’m president, I’m going straight to Israel.” It’s the wingnut version of “I’m going to Disneyland.”
9:06 PM — Oh boy, here comes Professor Huntsman with his “facts” and “trust” and “figures” and all that. Jon, you have been reasonable enough that the #OWS ReLOVEution maybe won’t hang you by your feet, naked, and douse you with pepper spray for fifty weeks. (This will be the fate of everyone else here.)
9:08 PM — “Blitz” kindly lets Doofus Perry have a go at some utterly confusing budget point. Perry: “I don’t think it is any surprise that a super committee failed. It was a super failure.” GOD, FUCK YOU, YOU ARE SO DUMB YOU MAKE REPUBLICANS LOOK SEMI-SMART.
9:10 PM — Uhm, why is Rick Perry talking about Leon Panetta?
9:11 PM — Haha, when Wolf “Blitz” was covering Reagan, your editor was editing Wolf Blitzer’s poorly typed dispatches which he self-syndicated to various Jewish papers, including the San Diego Jewish Times, where your current editor was once the copy editor. True!
9:12 PM — Rick Santorum “compromised on some child care,” which would seem to be a pretty big sin to Rick Santorum. “Blitz” cuts him off, says “Let’s stay on the question.”
9:13 PM — Nothing makes your Editor happier than knowing this whole corrupt nation is going to be broken down, taken apart, and handed back to the people who live here.
9:14 PM — What’s up, fat whining candy baby piglet? Newt is America’s worst public figure, and that is saying A LOT.
9:15 PM — Michele is going to “draw a line in the sand,” and she wants us to “consider the context,” and now she is reciting debt figures, and adding other potential debt figures, and … could we please get a Thank You to George W. Bush for all this? Have you people all forgotten George W. Bush, America’s favorite most-recent Republican two-term president? Michele, you used to lust for Bush Junior. Your loins ached for him. Look:
9:19 PM — Wolf Blitzer notes that Egypt is having a Second Revolution, although he leaves out the part about how the MILITARY is smashing skulls because they think it’s “all right” because that’s what American Cops are doing to the peaceful American protesters. More wine, Please?
9:23 PM — Everyone, please twat some reasonable-sounding/totally insane question for the candidates by using this Twitter “hash tag,” #CNNPostgame
9:24 PM — Rick Perry is going to stop drugs by … uh, Hugo Chavez, Hezbollah, Iran, Mexico, Paramount, etc. Dipshit.
9:25 PM — Rick Perry is going to make sure the Texas-Mexico border is “shut down” when he is president. Isn’t he governor of Texas right now?
9:26 PM — YES, Ron Paul says we can have our marijuana that grows like a weed all over America. PRESCRIPTION DRUGS kill so many people, BOOZE is a health-wrecking demon, oh dear god Ron Paul is completely, totally right.
9:27 PM — Herman Cain will now jabber some random nonsense about … eh, who knows.
9:28 PM — “Let’s solve the whole problem,” says Herman Cain. Hard to argue ….
9:29 PM — Some AEI dork is going to ask a fancy question, about letting people with “the education” come to America so we can build a Better Facebook, to kill everyone’s soul.
9:33 PM — Michele Bachmann is now invoking Steve Jobs. Does she know he was a SECRET ARAB?
9:35 PM — Bachmann’s second handful of pills is kicking in now … Newt will let anyone do ANYTHING as long as they’re part of the church he recently joined, with his third mistress.
9:35 PM — It’s way past Mittens’ bedtime, but he’s ready to staple green cards to report cards, if that’s the hard work he has to do. “This is a party,” he says. “This is a party.” No-one knows what he means. Mitt has never partied.
9:37 PM — Mitt is ready to bring all the people to America, if they have the educations, so we can “compete globally.” Newt, however, will deport you if you are not part of his Whore Church (Tiffany).
9:40 PM — Elderly crowd now fully asleep, livebloggers near death, not even Wine & Marijuana & Irish Breakfast Tea can save us now.
9:45 PM — Some neocon with a shitty beard is talking about Syria. Wolf Blitzer immediately says, “Herman Cain, you may not know this …..”
9:47 PM — Haha, now the “Arab Spring” is a bad thing, according to Republican Primary Voters, because oh boy, people are trying to take their lives back from the military-corporate state, and now even Jon Huntsman, the closest thing to a non-idiot in this auditorium, is rattling off nonsense about the Ottoman Empire, Israel, whatever, shut up.
9:49 PM — Wooden power-suit Conservative Think Tank Youth Gal with her hair pulled back so hard it makes her eyes into giant pools of fearmongering foolishness, she has a question. It is about … Israel, Al Qaeda, something. She has never enjoyed a true orgasm.
9:51 PM — Uncle Ron Paul getting tired, weird. “Why don’t we mind our own business?” Agreed, fine, whatever.
9:52 PM — Mitt Romney does NOT believe that “we have people around the world with common interests.” IN fact, Romney believes Jesus lived here in America, with the Indians. And then the Europeans killed all the Indians.
9:52 PM — Blitz: “Just to be clear, what the fuck are you talking about you tube of Brylcreem?”
9:53 PM — Mitt knows that tanks are not aircraft.
9:53 PM — Rick Perry is not sure if tanks are aircraft, but we should be “serious about saving Israel, right now.”
9:54 PM — Last Question, from some AEI factotum: What secret unmentioned thing is going to DESTROY YOU ALL? They don’t take the bait. They don’t know. They can’t see. It’s coming. It is coming for them. They are Yesterday’s Meat.
9:56 PM — Rick Perry thinks China is communist. God he is so dumb, his children must shit in his shoes each day just to watch him not know he’s sticking his feet into shit again.
9:57 PM — Herman Cain wants to talk about computer games.
9:57 PM — Sad sack candy-pants diaper adulterer Newt Gingrich has an Eeyore list of computer things he is not worried about, based on the DEAD TONE OF HIS VOICE.
9:58 PM — Michele Bachmann is … eh, a fucking idiot. PUT HER IN THE LANDFILL, let’s stop listening to these jabbering fools and dangerous kleptocrats. PUT THEM IN THE FOREVER DUNGEON, take back your lives, stop following politics, let us MAKE politics, okay, good night, time for your editor on the West Coast to finish dinner for his Hungry Children, fuck the GOP, death to America, may America rise up and become a Land of the Free, the end.