Yes, We Are Liveblogging Tonight’s GOP Horror-Clown Show

  notice of intent to commit liveblogging

8 p.m. Eastern Time, friends! And what will the jabbering idiots be discussing tonight, besides “whatever fever-porn nightmares emerge uninvited from their gaping mouths”? Foreign Policy! Oh this will be a delight, won’t it? BE HERE, BRING WEAPONS of LOVE & BARRELS of MARIJUANA.

While you wait, enjoy (?) this collection of Rick Perry’s ultimate fuckups at previous debates, hosted by Grandpa Munster from the pop band KISS:

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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134 comments

  1. Barb

    I have a note from my mom, excusing me from class tonight.
    Wait, I just saw there will be marijuana. What the hell does my mom know?

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      I have a bottle of Islay malt on my left, and Orkney malt on the right. This could be ugly…..

  2. ifthethunderdontgetya

    LOOK OUT, LIVER!

    P.S. From professional WaPoop person Chris Cillizza:

    Huntsman’s moment: At some point, the former Utah governor has to win a debate — or come somewhere close to it. To date, his debate approach seems more geared to winning over campaign hacks and the press — making a serious of VERY insidery jokes/references — than to actually persuading voters in New Hampshire (and elsewhere) about why he is the most plausible Romney alternative.

    Yeah, CUNTSman, when you gonna stop pandering to sentient life forms and show us that you want it?

    I think Chris wants him to pull out an Obama poster, drop trou, and take a dump on it live. That'll get those GOP poles moving!
    ~

  3. SorosBot

    Another one? Hm; what's a better use of time, watching these idiots yammer on and alternate between laughing and raging at them, or Skyrim?

      1. SorosBot

        Prime rib instead of Turkey? I thought that was heretical.

        I'm just glad my dad does all the cooking; as is the rest of the family, considering what horrible cooks me and my mom are (my brother's OK though).

        1. Barb

          I can't lift a turkey at this time. I have one though.
          The prime rib will be seared on Grillzilla at 700 degrees quickly and then it will roast for 10 hours at 200 degrees, as per the instructions I found in Cooks Illustrated magazine.
          I may just make two heaping bowls of Quisp cereal and watch the dog show all day.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Glad to be of service. I found it a couple of months ago because I had three seconds of it rolling around in my head. "You'll never make it! Sure I will, Quisp!". That's all I could remember. Driving me crazy, it was. I had to remind myself of the whole commercial for context. Thank heavens for the youtubes.

      1. SorosBot

        But you can marry an Argonian; since there can be man-(or-woman)-on-lizard-person marriage, but not man-on-cat-person marriage, someone wanted to rile the Furries.

  4. DustBowlBlues

    I'm all in! I'll take part in liveblog when I'm not preparing for Thanksgiving. The problem is that, between making crumbs from my homemade bread for one dressing and cornbread for the other, and ironing some vintage linen napkins I found yesterday at an "antique mall" and already having decorated the church with a couple of other friends and other shit, I won't be able to actually pay any attention to the debate. So I'll just have to read wonkers' comments to keep up with what's going on.

    Sounds like a big win for me and the family.

    1. Mahousu

      … decorated the church with a couple of other friends and other shit …

      Isn't the correct term "desecrated"?

    2. Words

      If I might offer a distinction, if you use bread crumbs for this dish, it's stuffing, which is totally different in looks and taste from dressing, which is ALWAYS made primarily from cornbread and all-around truly better than the lowly stuffing (which for safety's sake, shouldn't be put in the bird while cooking.

      There have been Civil War skirmishes at my home over this business, and we have to have stuffing (from bread crumbs) for our Yankee in-laws, which true Southerners won't touch, saving all for the sacred cornbread dressing. I've been fixing most of the sides that accompany the illustrous bird, the Turkey, since I was a teenager, nigh on 30 years, and I think I know whereof I speak.

      I haven't watched the debates, considering them a waste of my time and the networks, altho John Stewart has been making more sense translating these farcical events than the real-time commenters and the contestants themselves…. For contestants they are, n'est pas? (Oh, Johnny, show mr mittens what he's won today!!

  5. finallyhappy

    Today at the museum ,an obvious moron(wearing a ROMNEY hat), told me the exhibit is creating class warfare. I told him that the exhibt was fact based(duh- why did I say that- I don't work at the Creationism museum) .. He didn't dispute the facts- but it seems that presenting facts about the history of this country promotes class warfare. I stopped speaking to him and moved on(busy day) but he continued to stand there, shaking his head and talking somewhat loudly about how we were promoting class warfare. I could not tell if his white haired mother/aunt was agreeing or was mortally embarrassed by his assholedness. He left but later, the white haired lady with a younger woman came back to actually read that whole section of the exhibit instead of just looking at the illustration(which doesn't mean much if you don't read the captions) I am sorry if presenting facts about the economics of the Us over the past 75 years promotes class warfare. Occupy History!

      1. finallyhappy

        Race- are we so different. NMNH-but I will deny who I am if you come to see me(Wonk- what??). It was the section on the relative wealth of different groups in the US- and in this case, uses housing/mortgages/the GI bill/real estate sales practices to explain(since houses are the largest source of family/personal wealth for most people)

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I wonder what led him out of his fox news cubby hole and into a real, live communist museum. Ignorant man should stick with what he knows.

    2. memzilla

      Did his head a**-splode when he got to the dinosaurs and didn't see a single Holy Jeebus Saddle™ on display?

  6. Callyson

    Dammit, I've got class tonight…maybe I'll check in when I get home. The comments here will be more accurate than anything these clowns say anyway. Enjoy the freak show!

  7. Nesnora

    Isn't breaking bread and eating casseroles with marshmallows in them with my conservative relatives this Thanksgiving enough for one week?!

    But…

    As long as there is some Colorado Cocktail—fuck it—bring on the wartime-foreplay-fantasy talk. At least then I'll forget for a few hours.

    If only they would condense everything down to a list of countries and ask them fuck/marry/kill, this would go so much faster…

    1. ThundercatHo

      I have my Xanax (anxiety and/or suppressed rage), Propanolol (blood pressure) and Maxalt (migraine) medicines all laid out in anticipation of hosting my relatives for our day of thanx and stealing this country from it's native inhabitants. Please note I am not a regular, Michele Bachman style pill-gobbler but I do have my "mother's little helper" collection set aside for special occasions.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      If it was fuck/marry/kill, I can tell you Romney'd want to marry more countries than he would fuck, Perry'd want to kill more than he would marry and Newt has been quoted that he would fuck/marry AND kill most of them. Herman has a lot of things twirling around in his head and does not know what you mean by marry or kill.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I can't wait to hear from Mitt Romney how his life in Paris as a Mormon Missionary during the Viet Nam war prepared him to handle evil foreign powers, as did his need to deal with Vermont while Governor of Massachusetts.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        True story: He was passed out in the back, and Laura Bush was behind the wheel.

        But, wouldn't you love to see the reaction of your normal 'bagger/Conservative crowd if Mittens ever let the words "When I was a Mormon Missionary" out of his mouth. I'm pretty sure some people in the crowd would burst into flames.

  9. Dr_Zoidberg

    Sweet zombie Jesus, another debate?!! I'm pretty sure there were less debates about the Normandy invasion.

    Every time the GOP debates, God kills a kitten.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    It should be a fun showdown, what with the Republican beliefs that Iran is a tiny, powerless nation that could be easily invaded and subdued yet is the biggest threat to the world; that President Obama's heavy-handed intervention in Libya was too slow, failed completely and should've been more like Dubya's liberation of Iraq; that energy independence is a national security issue and we should find every possible alternative fuel as long as it's oil, coal or natural gas; that universal healthcare will kill the old and the weak, and the only alternative to it is to actually kill the old and the weak, and that Ronald Reagan was the reincarnation of Jesus. Oh — spoiler alert.

  11. Joshua Norton

    Who will be the latest "We hate you less than Mitt Romney" candidate of the week. 'Round and round she goes……

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      I am hoping for Santorum.
      I just want to see a headline about "Santorum coming from behind" that is literal, for a change, and not about an (R) and his rentboy.

  12. Fred_Wertham_Jr

    For those of us who don't (better not) drink, the usual drinking games that go along with these things can make one feel excluded. But BARRELS OF MARIJUANA? That I can do. Thank you, Ken.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      I'll take just one of the marijuana barrels AND keep the drinking game. Two birds, one stone(d).

  13. DahBoner

    Hasn't even started yet, and these clowns are already bringing me down.

    YOU BEG. YOU STEAL. YOU BORROW…

  14. Tundra Grifter

    Since this debate is hosted by the Heritage Foundation, every so often will there be a screen crawl telling us how much money they have paid each candidate over the years?

  15. Master Janitor V572

    Where's the debate tonight? What's the theme? Who's cablecasting it, and can they top CNN's "Magnificent Seven"/ Marlboro Flavor Country/ model-railroad-scenery intro to The Western Debate?

    Oh goodie, I see it is indeed CNN. Bring on the flying Chyrons of National Defense!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Thanks, Limey. I just remembered I haven't taken any of my baby pain killer–it's actually adult, but weak (tramadol, or something) in anticipation of my whirlwind evening. Got slowed down paying fucking bills and dealing with bank statement.

      Since I don't drink, I have to pass by the debate periodically as I walk a few feet from computer to kitchen and back again and I have to watch the idiots while I'm sober. At least there are drugs. Even if they are weak ones.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I am also a non-drinker, but I had such fear today as I had to have a molar extracted, so my dentist gave me a dozen valium!

    2. user-of-owls

      I can see why you would hide the Valium he gave you for the root canal so you could take it later during a much more angst-producing situation.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I took some before the extraction and now I have plenty left, so I can parcel it out for Republican debates.

    1. mrpuma2u

      We're still away from first quarter of the moon, so we needn't worry that Mr. Blitzer's lycanthropy will flare up and he will help cull the herd of numbskulls. Now THAT would be entertaining.

  16. DustBowlBlues

    Isn't this one being done on CNN with a group of white supremests? Seems like it was some group right of the Teabaggers, anyway.

  17. GhostBuggy

    Ah, damn it, I finished the rum last night. Don't tell me I'll be sitting through this thing with nothing but good old Five O'Clock Vodka.

  18. user-of-owls

    Snark aside, you know what the worst thing about their collective caterwauling will be? Each and every one of these cunts will try to out-do the others when it comes to promoting war with Iran. Every last one. Why does this matter? Look back at the fucking Iraq debacle and you'll see that the shrivel-dick brigade started beating the war drum a decade or more before they were actually able to start the slaughter. You keep saying it and saying it and saying it and eventually people begin to think, "Well, we've been talking about attacking Iran for a long time now, maybe it's about time we actually did." One easily manufactured 'crisis' later and *shazaam!*, we annihilate another generation of ours and theirs.

    And that's the worst thing about their collective caterwauling tonight. Well, that and the fact that I can't drink anymore.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Who will be the Iranian Curveball? Oh right. They could just use the same guy. That would save billions.

  19. io9k9s

    Oh for christ sakes, the fucking mics – why do the jabber heads have to run arount playing Old Navy Sales clerk?

  20. BarackMyWorld

    Sponsored by the American Enterprise Institute and the Heritage Foundation….because apparently the John Birch Society has too much dignity to be associated with this mess.

  21. DustBowlBlues

    My night is already shit. How can these dickheads make it worse? I have floaters in the other eye now, and those light arcs in both eyes so darkness is like a scifi show.

    About that opening–what is this, WWII? Oh, Ronnie Rayguns winning the cold war with that speech.

  22. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, look at the Newt stroll. I hope he gets it, to seen the look on Mittens' face. Ugh . . . both Mitts' faces.

  23. sbj1964

    National security? The greatest threat to our country is if one of these clowns gets elected.Crystal-ball says they will have a write in candidate my guess Tobey Keith?

  24. Dok-cupy Everything

    Nationa Anthem…Pledge of Allegiance…and now, the ritual sacrifice of a poor black child to our Lord and Savior, Grover Norquist.

  25. Millennial Malaise

    Has Michele ever addressed her obsession with wearing white? Does she thinks it makes her look young or angelic? News flash, you're an eyesore!

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    I like how in the open they talked about War, with all kinds of different scenes of fucking shit up with machines of death, and Peace, with one clip of a couple guys shaking hands.

  27. Millennial Malaise

    NATIONAL SECURITY IS NOT THE PRESIDENTS NUMBER ONE RESPONSIBILITY. Defending the constitution is. Ugh, most annoying Rethug zombie myths.

  28. ThundercatHo

    Newt: Torture terror suspects
    Ron P: Don't throw out the baby with the amniotic fluid
    One L: We have cell phones now
    Jon Jon: Blah blah blah
    Mitzy: That hair is fucking facinating
    Ricky: Non-union thugs should molest you at the airport
    Frothy: Molest brown people cuz Lincoln did it
    Hermie: Kill or identify muslins, Blitz

  29. sbj1964

    Republicans claim that the President can't lead ? The current congress is like herding cats. How can you lead a nation when these Bozo's in congress do nothing but obstruct,and purposely try to destroy our nation to win political points.

  30. datateday

    Of course Cain is an expert at cyber-communications — how else could he have communications with Chef Boyardee?!?

  31. ttommyunger

    That one ad: the one with the hairy knees, the wrinkled hands groping them…I am at once repulsed, yet strangely aroused; I can't take my eyes off of them….What will happen next? Stay tuned.

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