GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  10:21 am November 22, 2011

Super Committee Flops, Stocks Drop, Newt Glops

by Matt Langer

Whoa, wait, what the hell?NEW YORK — In a surprise to no one who has any sort of functioning memory of Washington over the last decade (i.e. not the Beltway press), the supercommittee has failed. Gird yourselves now for the coming year of annoying politicians repeating annoying terms like “trigger” and “sequester. Hilariously, Wall Street plunged a couple of percentage points on the news yesterday, demonstrating once again that the people running Wall Street are exceptionally incapable goofballs who hadn’t yet accounted for the inevitable failure that 70% of the 99% were betting on.

A very special thing will happen tonight in Washington, D.C.: There will be a Republican debate on national security in which not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage. (Relevant data point: the debate is being moderated by Wolf Blitzer.)

Newt Gingrich is ringing in his new frontrunner status by saying a couple of especially stupid things. First, Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security that voters already roundly rejected, like, just a few years ago. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

What is this? Why, it’s the Gifzette Daily Briefing, brought to you by America’s favorite New York daily animated-gif-based newspaper, Gifzette.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 82 comments }

KathrynSane November 22, 2011 at 10:44 am

With any luck, one of the GOP candidates will declare Wolf Blitzer's awkward stubble an enemy combatant. EITHER SHAVE IT OR GROW A BIG-BOY BEARD, WOLF. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:46 am

I keep waiting for him to come on the set wearing 2 polo shirts, both with popped collars.

memzilla November 22, 2011 at 10:44 am

"Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security…"

It comes in a nice blue box with a silver ribbon.

It's the Tiffany Plan for America!

Barb November 22, 2011 at 10:45 am

Newt has been having breakfast, lunch, dinner and late night snacks at Tiffany's. He's out of touch with the rest of the country and probably very much in touch with his next wife.

PuckStopsHere November 22, 2011 at 10:45 am

Boffo headline, Variety!

memzilla November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Tomorrow's Rethuglican Debate headline today:

"Newt Toots, Roots, Loots, and Scoots."

prommie November 22, 2011 at 10:58 am

Is that the new version of the Boot Scoot n Boogie?

mavenmaven November 22, 2011 at 10:45 am

"Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security that voters already roundly rejected, like, just a few years ago. "

The GOP assumes the Merkan public has "goldfish memory", and they appear to be right.

Joshua Norton November 22, 2011 at 10:46 am

"the debate is being moderated by Wolf Blitzer"

WE HAVE TO GO STUPIDER

DaRooster November 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

Oh goody!!… A debate… how quaint!

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

Personally, I prefer getting my news from the Daily Yiff-zette, but whatevs.

DaRooster November 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

I like the Whiff-zette… until the reports on the GOP… then it stinks.

Ancient_Hacker November 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

national Security? Will we hear Herman Cain volunteering to grope, er, inspect, every foxy lady going through Reagan National Airport?

Monsieur_Grumpe November 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

The italics are attacking!

OneDollarJuana November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Must have something to do with the Super Committee's failure. Or maybe I need better broadband.

Blueb4sunrise November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Whew. Thanks.

DaRooster November 22, 2011 at 10:54 am

Takes the fun out of < i >…

Lascauxcaveman November 22, 2011 at 10:57 am

I cannot emphasize strongly enough that this is National Emphasis Day.

Baconzgood November 22, 2011 at 11:07 am

Hey why eat hamburger when you can have italics steak.

user-of-owls November 22, 2011 at 10:48 am

In keeping with our apparent tradition here of mangling Spanish (i.e., "ocupados"), I guess we'll soon be referring to the late super committee as secuestrados.

memzilla November 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

Or: castratos.

Geminisunmars November 22, 2011 at 10:58 am

You beat me, Mem.

ShaveTheWhales November 22, 2011 at 11:19 pm

No, I think we can still just refer to them as "assholes".

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:48 am

I'd make a flip remark about this thread being in all italics, but then they'll just fix it and this post will look stupid.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

Let me take this one. I'm used to looking stupid.

Ken Layne November 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

You guys behave.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 11:01 am

Too late!

MzNicky November 22, 2011 at 11:06 am

I'm not going to mention the missing quotation marks after the word "sequester." First graf, fifth line from the bottom.

Millennial Malaise November 22, 2011 at 10:48 am

Manufactured Narrative says: OBAMA DID IT!

SorosBot November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Whoa, it's a new name up top and the comments are like leaning over and shit.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

The worst of it is, the comments are leaning to the right.

Geminisunmars November 22, 2011 at 10:54 am

Told you not to start drinking so early in the day.

Schmannnity November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

I can think of 537 elected officials who need to be replaced.

Lascauxcaveman November 22, 2011 at 11:00 am

No way, I *like* my congressman. And judging from your avatar, you should too. His name is "Dicks."

Schmannnity November 22, 2011 at 11:14 am

Nickname "Salty?"

donner_froh November 22, 2011 at 10:50 am

Newsflash for Washington media: Lusitania sunk, war with Germany threatens.

smitallica November 22, 2011 at 10:50 am

I look forward to the GOP field slamming Obama on his massive foreign policy failures like killing Osama, ousting Gaddaffi, pulling us out of that Iraqi clusterfuck, and basically making it ok for other countries to want to be seen in public with us for the first time in a fucking decade.

fuflans November 23, 2011 at 12:03 am

so very late to this but, they can't. that's why they're focusing on israel and iran.

and there's a chance bamz's long game may come to bite them in the ass with iran.

ManchuCandidate November 22, 2011 at 10:50 am

What makes me laugh is that the GOPers seem to think that gubbiment revenues have no relationship with national security. As if the Pentagon fairy (Rummie) just magically makes multibillion dollar ships and stealth bombers appear from nowhere and not tied to how much money the gubbiment needs.*

*Yeah, it supposedly worked under Raygun (it was actually Carter who started it), but the approx $4 Trillion (in today's dollars) Cold War spending spree hangover was left for Clinton to deal with and that the Contarded blamed him for.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 22, 2011 at 10:50 am

Not Wolf! They should get someone interesting to ask some real questions. What is that obnoxious guy who hosted the Golden Globes doing?

johnnyzhivago November 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

Don't count the Super Committee out – it was a great idea and TLC is trying to option it for 14 more shows. In addition, there's a good chance they'll get their own prime time "Dancing With the Super-STARS" which will combine the usual show with pickups from the committee members trashing each other viciously.

donner_froh November 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

The constant drumbeat of GOP debates is an attempt to desensitize the population to the extreme stupidity of Mittens when he finally wins the nomination.

nounverb911 November 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

"there will be a Republican debate on national security "
Will John McCain be singing "Bomb bomb bomb Iran" again?

Millennial Malaise November 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

Using Wolf Blizter as a prime example, the awesomeness of a person's name must be an inversely proportional to their insufferableness.

Geminisunmars November 22, 2011 at 11:00 am

"Grover Norquist" sounds like a muppet's name. I don't know if that is awesomeness or not. It must be, 'cause he's pretty insufferable.

MzNicky November 22, 2011 at 11:12 am

"Grover Norquist" is like "Newt Gingrich" — sounds made-up, by a cartoonist, for the evil characters.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

This brings good news on the employment front, though—with the losses to my 401 since yesterday, I get to work an additional 5 years before retiring.

Geminisunmars November 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

High Five to you. You get to be a contributing member to society for longer! Woo hoo.
(Actually, my condolences, Sir.)

Biff November 22, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Yay? I moved mine from the stock market to short term money markets, interest-bearing, and I'm still losing ameros! Add in the extra insecurity of no longer being able to factor in 5 more years nose to the grindstone, and I'm pretty well fuxxored.

samsuncle November 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

Tonite there will be a Republican debate on national security. I predict that the winner of the debate will be the first one to say the we should bomb Iran. This remark will get a standing ovation from the audience.

SorosBot November 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

That's not enough; the winner will be the first one to suggest we nuke the entire Middle East, killing hundreds of millions of Muslims, which will lead to a standing ovation, hootin' and hollerin' and dancing.

johnnyzhivago November 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

In a worldwide protest measure against Congress, all websites go into italics.

fawkdifiknow November 22, 2011 at 10:54 am

The next inevitability that the beltway press will totally be surprised by and terminally baffled by will be the exclusion of the military budget from the sequestration rules. Not only that, the Democrats will cave on it, probably even before the Republicans even have a chance to demagogue it relentlessly. My depression will only get worse.

EatsBabyDingos November 22, 2011 at 10:54 am

I would believe it if it was in the Griftzette

S. Palin.

BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 11:00 am

I'm sure she reads that one, too.

Blueb4sunrise November 22, 2011 at 10:55 am
BaldarTFlagass November 22, 2011 at 10:55 am

What happens when you italicize on an already-italicized thread?

edit: nothing.

OneDollarJuana November 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

What happens when you empower a Super Committee composed of half spineless pandering weasels and half whiny intransigent children to make rational, mature decisions on our country's future?

Lascauxcaveman November 22, 2011 at 10:55 am

"There will be a Republican debate on national security in which not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage.

Damn, I thought I was going to get my chance to say "All of them, Katie."

ifthethunderdontgetya November 22, 2011 at 10:56 am

Will there be a liver-blog tonight?
~

Blueb4sunrise November 22, 2011 at 11:12 am

I'm hep to that.

starfanglednut November 22, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I C what you did there.

paris biltong November 22, 2011 at 10:57 am

Bet the Ochs Sulzbergers et al are green with .gif envy.

Baconzgood November 22, 2011 at 10:58 am

"What is this? Why, it’s the Gifzette Daily Briefing, brought to you by America’s favorite New York daily animated-gif-based newspaper, Gifzette."

Shameless self promo Matt. Shameless. BACONZ LIKEY!!!!

johnnyzhivago November 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

Here's an idea for the Super Committee – flip a coin… Could the outcome be any worse?

prommie November 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

The GOP is like the stalker, the public is the GOP's stalking victim. The public wants nothing to do with the GOP, has taken out a restraining order, ignores the GOP's advances, but still, the stalker GOP is convinced that the public just LOVES the GOP's many fine proposals, like privatizing social security, repeal of the minimum wage and child labor laws, and so on. Delusional GOP just keeps on stalking, hoping always that this time, the public wills see what great ideas these are, and run into the GOP's waiting arms at long last.

OneDollarJuana November 22, 2011 at 11:05 am

And, just as in a stalking case, the government cops won't do anything until the GOP stalker attacks the Public victim, but it's too late by then, isn't it? Too bad the public doesn't have a big, mean brother to go "talk" to the GOP. Oh well, looks like the public will just have to "talk" to the GOP itself.

Geminisunmars November 22, 2011 at 11:11 am

I'm sure if we just use rationality and compassion we will be able to get through to GOP and it will leave us alone. Right?

prommie November 22, 2011 at 11:36 am

The GOP needs a thorough ass-whipping. Humiliation. They like it like that.

LetUsBray November 22, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Please, Mr. President, let go of that idea.

NorthStarSpanx November 22, 2011 at 11:04 am

Let's go after Newt's record, and his aversion to being called a Lobbiest: Contract with America, Bush's budget-busting Prescription Drug plan and Freddie Mac's titanic path under his advice.

America is tired of politics as usual and career politicians? Mitt and Newt of the neocon revolution made the mold and Sarah and Herb broke it for worse. Someone needs to rehabilitate the GOP, and it's none of the above or the ones standing in the wings (I'm talking to you Jeb.)

MzNicky November 22, 2011 at 11:16 am

Live-blog, please?

SorosBot November 22, 2011 at 11:21 am

I don't know if my liver can handle another one.

Biff November 22, 2011 at 12:20 pm

At the appropriate time, check here.

mereoblivion November 22, 2011 at 11:28 am

Blitzer to snigger over bigger trigger? Go figger!

actor212 November 22, 2011 at 11:31 am

Now, now, give Newt a break. Clearly his plan is to privatize Social Security by making kids in the orphanage cold-call stock tips into CNBC.

DahBoner November 22, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Instead of these Republican assholes, they should have packed the committee with teh ghays.

THEY ARE ALWAYS FEELING SUPER (THANKS FOR ASKING)…

owhatever November 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The candidates will be unanimous in warning Iran in very stern tones to stop being naughty. The only real point of interest is how long into the debate will Newt go before attacking some media type for asking him a question at a debate.

bebecca2298 November 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage"

Respectfully I have to disagree- unless Newt doesn't show. There is not a more unsufferable person in America than Newt.

ttommyunger November 22, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Surely the intent was sarcasm when they named this committee.

ShaveTheWhales November 22, 2011 at 11:24 pm

No, they just misspelled "Stupor Committee".

ttommyunger November 23, 2011 at 11:26 am

Hee, hee.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: