gifzette daily briefing

Super Committee Flops, Stocks Drop, Newt Glops

Whoa, wait, what the hell?NEW YORK — In a surprise to no one who has any sort of functioning memory of Washington over the last decade (i.e. not the Beltway press), the supercommittee has failed. Gird yourselves now for the coming year of annoying politicians repeating annoying terms like “trigger” and “sequester. Hilariously, Wall Street plunged a couple of percentage points on the news yesterday, demonstrating once again that the people running Wall Street are exceptionally incapable goofballs who hadn’t yet accounted for the inevitable failure that 70% of the 99% were betting on.

A very special thing will happen tonight in Washington, D.C.: There will be a Republican debate on national security in which not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage. (Relevant data point: the debate is being moderated by Wolf Blitzer.)

Newt Gingrich is ringing in his new frontrunner status by saying a couple of especially stupid things. First, Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security that voters already roundly rejected, like, just a few years ago. [READ MORE AT GIFZETTE]

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82 comments

  1. KathrynSane

    With any luck, one of the GOP candidates will declare Wolf Blitzer's awkward stubble an enemy combatant. EITHER SHAVE IT OR GROW A BIG-BOY BEARD, WOLF. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

  2. memzilla

    "Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security…"

    It comes in a nice blue box with a silver ribbon.

    It's the Tiffany Plan for America!

  3. Barb

    Newt has been having breakfast, lunch, dinner and late night snacks at Tiffany's. He's out of touch with the rest of the country and probably very much in touch with his next wife.

  4. mavenmaven

    "Newt’s proposing a privatization of social security that voters already roundly rejected, like, just a few years ago. "

    The GOP assumes the Merkan public has "goldfish memory", and they appear to be right.

  5. Ancient_Hacker

    national Security? Will we hear Herman Cain volunteering to grope, er, inspect, every foxy lady going through Reagan National Airport?

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I'd make a flip remark about this thread being in all italics, but then they'll just fix it and this post will look stupid.

        1. MzNicky

          I'm not going to mention the missing quotation marks after the word "sequester." First graf, fifth line from the bottom.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No way, I *like* my congressman. And judging from your avatar, you should too. His name is "Dicks."

  7. smitallica

    I look forward to the GOP field slamming Obama on his massive foreign policy failures like killing Osama, ousting Gaddaffi, pulling us out of that Iraqi clusterfuck, and basically making it ok for other countries to want to be seen in public with us for the first time in a fucking decade.

    1. fuflans

      so very late to this but, they can't. that's why they're focusing on israel and iran.

      and there's a chance bamz's long game may come to bite them in the ass with iran.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    What makes me laugh is that the GOPers seem to think that gubbiment revenues have no relationship with national security. As if the Pentagon fairy (Rummie) just magically makes multibillion dollar ships and stealth bombers appear from nowhere and not tied to how much money the gubbiment needs.*

    *Yeah, it supposedly worked under Raygun (it was actually Carter who started it), but the approx $4 Trillion (in today's dollars) Cold War spending spree hangover was left for Clinton to deal with and that the Contarded blamed him for.

  9. johnnyzhivago

    Don't count the Super Committee out – it was a great idea and TLC is trying to option it for 14 more shows. In addition, there's a good chance they'll get their own prime time "Dancing With the Super-STARS" which will combine the usual show with pickups from the committee members trashing each other viciously.

  10. nounverb911

    "there will be a Republican debate on national security "
    Will John McCain be singing "Bomb bomb bomb Iran" again?

  11. Millennial Malaise

    Using Wolf Blizter as a prime example, the awesomeness of a person's name must be an inversely proportional to their insufferableness.

    1. Geminisunmars

      "Grover Norquist" sounds like a muppet's name. I don't know if that is awesomeness or not. It must be, 'cause he's pretty insufferable.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    This brings good news on the employment front, though—with the losses to my 401 since yesterday, I get to work an additional 5 years before retiring.

    1. Geminisunmars

      High Five to you. You get to be a contributing member to society for longer! Woo hoo.
      (Actually, my condolences, Sir.)

    2. Biff

      Yay? I moved mine from the stock market to short term money markets, interest-bearing, and I'm still losing ameros! Add in the extra insecurity of no longer being able to factor in 5 more years nose to the grindstone, and I'm pretty well fuxxored.

  13. samsuncle

    Tonite there will be a Republican debate on national security. I predict that the winner of the debate will be the first one to say the we should bomb Iran. This remark will get a standing ovation from the audience.

    1. SorosBot

      That's not enough; the winner will be the first one to suggest we nuke the entire Middle East, killing hundreds of millions of Muslims, which will lead to a standing ovation, hootin' and hollerin' and dancing.

  14. fawkdifiknow

    The next inevitability that the beltway press will totally be surprised by and terminally baffled by will be the exclusion of the military budget from the sequestration rules. Not only that, the Democrats will cave on it, probably even before the Republicans even have a chance to demagogue it relentlessly. My depression will only get worse.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      What happens when you empower a Super Committee composed of half spineless pandering weasels and half whiny intransigent children to make rational, mature decisions on our country's future?

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    "There will be a Republican debate on national security in which not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage.

    Damn, I thought I was going to get my chance to say "All of them, Katie."

  16. Baconzgood

    "What is this? Why, it’s the Gifzette Daily Briefing, brought to you by America’s favorite New York daily animated-gif-based newspaper, Gifzette."

    Shameless self promo Matt. Shameless. BACONZ LIKEY!!!!

  17. prommie

    The GOP is like the stalker, the public is the GOP's stalking victim. The public wants nothing to do with the GOP, has taken out a restraining order, ignores the GOP's advances, but still, the stalker GOP is convinced that the public just LOVES the GOP's many fine proposals, like privatizing social security, repeal of the minimum wage and child labor laws, and so on. Delusional GOP just keeps on stalking, hoping always that this time, the public wills see what great ideas these are, and run into the GOP's waiting arms at long last.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      And, just as in a stalking case, the government cops won't do anything until the GOP stalker attacks the Public victim, but it's too late by then, isn't it? Too bad the public doesn't have a big, mean brother to go "talk" to the GOP. Oh well, looks like the public will just have to "talk" to the GOP itself.

      1. Geminisunmars

        I'm sure if we just use rationality and compassion we will be able to get through to GOP and it will leave us alone. Right?

  18. NorthStarSpanx

    Let's go after Newt's record, and his aversion to being called a Lobbiest: Contract with America, Bush's budget-busting Prescription Drug plan and Freddie Mac's titanic path under his advice.

    America is tired of politics as usual and career politicians? Mitt and Newt of the neocon revolution made the mold and Sarah and Herb broke it for worse. Someone needs to rehabilitate the GOP, and it's none of the above or the ones standing in the wings (I'm talking to you Jeb.)

  19. actor212

    Now, now, give Newt a break. Clearly his plan is to privatize Social Security by making kids in the orphanage cold-call stock tips into CNBC.

  20. DahBoner

    Instead of these Republican assholes, they should have packed the committee with teh ghays.

    THEY ARE ALWAYS FEELING SUPER (THANKS FOR ASKING)…

  21. owhatever

    The candidates will be unanimous in warning Iran in very stern tones to stop being naughty. The only real point of interest is how long into the debate will Newt go before attacking some media type for asking him a question at a debate.

  22. bebecca2298

    "not one of the Republican candidates will be the most insufferable person on stage"

    Respectfully I have to disagree- unless Newt doesn't show. There is not a more unsufferable person in America than Newt.

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