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Bored Condi Calls For Attacking Iran, Because What Else Is There To Do

Original cartoon by DSF. You're welcome.America’s most lovable war criminal, Condoleezza Rice, likes only one thing more than hawking her new book, and that’s warmongering. So now that she’s been removed from the White House (too late), and is back to being a regular old academic-type person, with a new book, what do you suppose she’s doing with all her free time? Why, warmongering, of course! Recently, for example, she called up an Israeli newspaper to demand that everybody attack and kill Iran. What could go wrong? Then she crapped on the Arab Spring for good measure.

In a doom-laden phone interview with the Jerusalem Post, Condi wasted no time calling for throats to be slit. The story’s lead paragraph begins with this utterance:

“The Iranians are seeking a nuclear weapon and are a poster child for terror, supporting it abroad. This is the single most dangerous state in international politics…. It is time for regime change.”

Boom, just like that. No hi, I’m Condi and I play piano – none of that. Just let’s all go over and Fuck Iran, right now.

Predictably, and like her fellow war criminal Donald Rumsfeld, who also has a book (’tis the season), Condi also attempted to claim that the numerous war crimes committed by the Bush Administration were in some way justified. Yawn.

Oh, and what about the Arab Spring, which has toppled dictators and brought hope to millions of oppressed people across the Middle East?

“We should remember that the issue is that freedom and democracy is not the same thing… They have justifiably overthrown authoritarian regimes, but they now have a long process of turning that into democratic institutions.”

In other words, just because a brutal despot has been removed, and a new government installed in its place, that doesn’t mean you can just say “Mission Accomplished” and act like the job’s over. You break it you buy it. [Jerusalem Post]

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  1. anniegetyerfun

    I would suggest that she stick to cameos on 30 Rock, but seriously, the woman can't act, either.

    1. Crowe2011

      Hi, I'm Condoleeza Rice. You might remember me from such administrations as the previous one and the next one. When I'm not living out every Emo kid's dream of trying to kill everyone in the whole world I'm giving crazed Zionists the reach-around.

    1. Master Janitor V572

      Or, "Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
      —noted peacenik Jew Albert Einstein

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Woah! My mind is beginning to think that this differently-named person might have a religious background dissimilar from my own!

  2. Callyson

    Rice, who is once more a professor at Stanford, explained that her administration’s long-term goal for Iraq was as a robust US ally.
    “We had the belief strategically in an Iraq that is an ally and friend of the US, doesn’t threaten its neighbors and would shift the regional balance [of power],” she said.
    What, you thought we meant that business about promoting democracy, finding WMD's, preventing terrorism, or whatever other excuses we came up with were the real reason? No, we were just lonely and wanted to make a new friend, and we figured there's no better way to get a new pal than to send the troops and bombs…

    1. coolhandnuke

      If there is such a being as academic karma, may She direct one of Andrew Luck's errant bombs into Rice's thick skull.

        1. coolhandnuke

          He may need her dubious legal skills since I hear he has already formulated his legal strategy–The Twinkie Defense.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Unfortunately the interview ended abruptly as the prison phone cuts out after fifteen minutes.

  4. savethispatient

    "President Ahmadinejad, could you tell us the title of the intelligence memo you read?"
    "I believe it was 'Condaleeza Rice Determined to Strike Iran'."
    "And why did you not act upon this memo?"
    "It was a historical document, not a warning."

  5. Master Janitor V572

    She started with the NYT op-ed page and worked her way down, through LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Des Moines Register and at last only the Jerusalem Post was willing to listen to her self-justifying twaddle about why we need to kill more Browns. Hope they didn't pay her.

  6. anniegetyerfun

    This was neatly coordinated with Ehud Barack's recent statements about "all options" being "on the table" in regard to Iran. I love that kind of talk, because what they mean by "all options" is "bombs."

    1. Chichikovovich

      I wish someone would just say: Really? All options? For example even peaceful overtures and negotiation without preconditions is on the table?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        "Oh, sorry, did we say "all"? Because we meant "some". And we'll leave it at "some" because we have a variety of bombs that we can use."

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but did you think about how many different kinds of bombs there are to drop? The options are almost limitless!

    3. Negropolis

      At the moment, Israel is basically threatening the United States with starting another war in that region. They know Barry wants no fucking part of it, but they are going to try and shame him into complicity. Good luck with that, you bastards. If the neo-cons want a war with Iran, why don't they get the fuck out of this country and go live in Israel?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Yup. I've been watching this one fairly closely, and I know that there is nothing that Israel wants more than to bomb Iran. Iran's behavior is mostly aimed at Saudi Arabia, so my guess is that SA is working closely with Israel to try to keep shit in flames. Both of those governments benefit as long as the Middle East is in turmoil.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      She passed her sell-by date sometime during the Clinton administration. But I'd still hit that.

  7. Fare la Volpe

    We should remember that the issue is that freedom and democracy is not the same thing

    As proven by Bush's legal team.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Thanks BTF – when you pointed me toward the Hindu scriptures, I made a real find.

      Just discovered! A lost passage from the Devi Mahatmyam
      Original known text:
      Out of the surface of her (Durga's) forehead, fierce with frown, issued suddenly Kali of terrible countenance, armed with a sword and noose. Bearing the strange khatvanga (skull-topped staff ), decorated with a garland of skulls, clad in a tiger's skin, very appalling owing to her emaciated flesh, with gaping mouth, fearful with her tongue lolling out, having deep reddish eyes, filling the regions of the sky with her roars, falling upon impetuously and slaughtering the great asuras in that army, she devoured those hordes of the foes of the devas.

      Kali destroys Raktabija by sucking the blood from his body and putting the many Raktabija duplicates in her gaping mouth. Pleased with her victory, Kali then dances on the field of battle, stepping on the corpses of the slain. Her consort Shiva lies among the dead beneath her feet

      New passage discovered: "Then Kali encountered the goddess Condi, emerging from the rice fields. I thought I told you stop bugging me you bloodthirsty demon, Kali cried. Such hunger for carnage as you display [or perhaps: as you spit from your eyes] even I cannot abide."

  8. memzilla

    Condi, you've got as much credibility talking about foreign policy as Newt Gingrich does talking about monogamy and faithfulness.

    How about we start with regime change on Capitol Hill, you war-mongering bag of panderf**ktardity?

  9. Blueb4sunrise

    Well there's war crimes trials starting for Bangladesh (1971) and Khmer Rouge (1975). We just have to wait a little bit. Let's start with Henry the K.

  10. mannacler

    O course we should Condi because the two wars that you had a part in launching have worked out so well.

  11. swordfis

    I'm not sure I really understand the difference between freedom and democracy, but perhaps participants in the Arab Spring might be left to work it out on their own. Oh, wait – democracy is when I get to vote for one of two candidates who don't represent my interests at all; freedom is when I'm pepper-sprayed for sitting on the sidewalk.

  12. flamingpdog

    Recently, for example, she called up an Israeli newspaper to demand that everybody attack and kill Iran.

    Jeezus, Condi, please leave the drunk dialing to Ginnie Thomas in the future, OK?

    1. BarryOPotter

      …does that make her a *gulp* Oreo?

      Why is the Oreo so maligned? It's a tasty treat – if you don't like it, don't eat it… Wait, what?

    1. Master Janitor V572

      Herman was going to name her but didn't want it to look like reverse discrimination, plus he'd already promised the job to Kissinger.

  13. Mrs. Bitch

    “We should remember that the issue is that freedom and democracy is not the same thing…"

    If OWS and the fucking cops are any indication, freedom and democracy are polar opposites right now.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, boy. I'm going to have to remember that one: Neo Condi. It sounds like some ultra venomous South American/Australian insect/spider/jellyfish.

  14. el_donaldo

    Well, honestly, Kaddafi wrote her songs and kept a scrapbook about her. I think she just wants to know who else, maybe Ahmadinejad?,is also a secret admirer.

  15. Limeylizzie

    Can't some Wonketteer comfort this poor lonely woman? Or just shove his cock in her mouth to shut her up, for freedom?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm thinking that there's a certain GOP Presidential candidate who might make her an offer.

      Wait… "Condoleeza"? That doesn't sound like an AMERICAN name.

        1. Master Janitor V572

          For balancing-the-historical/social-scales revenge fucking, it wouldn't matter. But seriously, is one of them less vapid than the other?

          And here is an astonishing true fact (the best kind of fact) about Condi: she once was engaged to three-time-Pro-Bowler, two-time-league-leading punt returner Rick Upchurch of the Denver Broncos, presumably while she was a advancing the frontiers of human knowledge at University of Denver.

          1. twaingirl

            Woah, woah. Buffalo calls itself the Queen City. Cincinnati does too. Is this some sort of thing? Also why are there so many queen cities and no king cities? Sounds like sexism to me.

            OT, but on NPR tonight they were talking about how strange Tebow was and what a terrible player he was. It was satisfying.

          2. Master Janitor V572

            This is Item 2 on the Homosexual Agenda. Muncie, IN, where GM made gearboxes for its cars for many years, is known as "Trannie City." You can't stop 'em!

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Yes, we should bomb Iran. There would be absolutely no consequences from such an action whatsoever. It is so simple, it is surprising the Bush Administration didn't do it.

  17. smashedinhat

    Another Bush era zombie stinking up the room. That back door into academia just revitalizes these meat bags enough to pollute every foreign policy discussion that they can sink their rancid bony claws into. There is no justice.

  18. Sgt_Biyatch

    Does Condi have stigmata, or did she just get done feeding Cheney with the blood of little children?

  19. HobbesEvilTwin

    Why didn't that quote start with "from her cell in the Hague, Rice said …"

    oh, that's right, because tonight promises a new episode of Dancing with Two and Half Survivor Celebutards.

  20. Rotundo_

    So is she able to travel outside the US, or is she in the "North and South America Only" club like Dubya and Cheney and Rummy and the gang? Maybe since she was only on the diplomatic front, and pretty clueless in general she isn't in danger of being busted if she sets foot in continental Europe. If that's the case why doesn't she take the pension, get a nice little flat in Paris and play jazz in some bar somewhere, it would have to be better than being an apologist for the worst presidential administration in history.

    1. dadanarchist

      If there was justice in this world someone would black bag her and leave her ass in the Nigerian delta and see how much those folks appreciated her long years of service for Chevron.

    2. slowhansolo

      Way better, for sure, for those who don't have to sleep knowing that they represent the apotheosis of earthly evil. Condi's ilk, however, are doomed to wander the earth in an unending and doomed quest for absolution.

  21. CountryClubJihadi

    The only Black Persian that Ahmedinijad cares about uses a littler box. Rice Crispy Treat for him, then.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    For all of those who keep saying that Obama has just been Bush-lite. Please re-read Ms. Rice's comments, and those of Rumsfeld, Cheney, Bolton, Yu, etc. etc. etc. and look at the winding down of Iraq, and Afghanistan, our actions in Libya, the passing of health care and end of DADT, etc. etc. etc.

    Yeah, I wish Obama would have more of a spine at times, but with a congress where the Republicans will do anything to stop anything that Obama even looks at, and enough Democrats are barely to the left of the GOP to give you shaky majorities at best, he has done pretty good. Plus, can you imagine where we would be at if McCain, or, worse, Romney/Gingrich/Perry/Cain/Santorum/Bachmann were in charge?

    Obama is not perfect, and I wish he would show a little Teddy Roosevelt/FDR/Truman in him, but, Christ, look at what the alternatives would have been/could possibly be. Look at what the trend lines were on the economy before Obama got to work. Things are not peachy, but they are at least not going off a cliff anymore.

    1. user-of-owls

      That passel of cunts she ran with is still rooting around for a quagmire to drown what's left of this country in, the bloodier and more cataclysmic, the better. And Barry just cold keeps on actually making the US safer (oh christ, I'm gonna get if for that) by constructing foreign policy on the basis of rational self-interest rather than a desire to sate the Hobbesian instincts of the conservative mob. So yeah, Republicans, go ahead and try to win by convincing US Americans that what we really need is another and even more potentially disastrous military adventure. Really, bring that on.

    2. fuflans

      and ruth bader ginsberg is getting no younger.

      seriously, can you imagine this court with the addition of a romney appointee?

  23. datateday

    Condoleeza Rice's blood comes out in one line but makes sure to divide once getting far enough into enemy territory. After that point, the battle should be over.

  24. Negropolis

    “The Iranians are seeking a nuclear weapon and are a poster child for terror, supporting it abroad. This is the single most dangerous state in international politics…. It is time for regime change.”

    Replace "The Iranians are" with "Iraq is" and we've heard it all before, Condi. The only thing you could have added is the mention of the mushroom cloud to give this an extra-special sense of deja vu. Go away.

  25. Negropolis

    BTW, I wonder why Iran would even want nukes, right? I mean, they are only wedged in by two nations that we've overthrown, and who we've been threatening since before forever.

    Those fuckers are doing exactly what Pakistan did…except that we're all passive-aggressively buddy-buddy with Pakistan…because they have nukes. Watch, when Iran gets nukes, and as soon as some "moderate" is elected to their presidency, they'll be a new "ally."

  26. lulzmonger

    Gollum With A Perm should concentrate on her STFU skills.

    Hearing from that harpy once a year is once a year too often.

  27. io9k9s

    Condi, are you crazy is that what is wrong with you?
    To which she would probably reply, "No that is the demon inside of me…"

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