Herman Cain, currently in an eight-way tie for senior superlative Least Likely to Be President, would like to reiterate that he really, really does not care for these bothersome Muslims. He doesn’t want them in his cabinet, he doesn’t want them in his judiciary, and he definitely doesn’t want them trying to cure him of cancer, thank you very much!
The allegedly charming Cain was regaling yet another dumb Republican audience at Orlando’s Holy Land Experience, the theme park non-evangelical parents threaten to take their kids to if they get too rowdy at Disney World. Things turned serious when Cain began speaking about his bout with cancer (a horrible thing) which turned out to be the sort that could be treated with surgery and chemotherapy (a fortunate thing). Even more fortunately, though, Dr. Abdallah, the surgeon Cain thought sounded, from his name and everything, like he might not be that into Jesus, turned out to be TOTALLY into Jesus! PRAISE HIM!!!
We’ll let Cain do something his campaign never should and that is let him try to explain what he’s talking about:
“I said to his physician assistant, I said, ‘That sounds foreign — not that I had anything against foreign doctors — but it sounded too foreign,” Cain tells the audience.
Honestly, that was actually a good move on his part. Sometimes these PAs keep a nice Frenchman or Cypriot in the back office, for emergencies or whatever, and all you have to do is strongly hint that you’re willing to walk unless you get one. It’s called being a smart consumer.
Cain continued:
“She said, ‘He’s from Lebanon.’ Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine!”
“She could see the look on my face and she said, ‘Don’t worry, Mr. Cain, he’s a Christian from Lebanon.’”
“Hallelujah!” Cain says. “Thank God!”
Thank you, Christian God, specifically, for saving Herman Cain from a probable forced conversion under anesthesia! He has so much unfinished bilking of evangelical voters to do here on Christian Earth! [Dave Weigel]
{ 174 comments }
I'm surprised Herman didn't out for one of them Jewish doctors.
Didn't want a surprise briss.
That was a Woody Allen joke " there are non-Jewish doctors but why would anyone go to them?" Or maybe Jackie Mason
Blessed are the morons, because they're in for a rude surprise in the afterlife.
–Matthew 5.5 (paraphrased)
Lots of Bible versifying today.
Wonketteers may not be terribly religious, but they still get irritated when they see religion done terribly.
Time for Bible verse smackdown.
Wonketteers may not be terribly religious, but they still get irritated when they see religion done terribly.
Eh, doesn't bother me any. I've come to think it's just about the only way a body could do religion at all.
Bothers me. If you're going to quote your holy text to persecute people, the least you can do is actually know the fucking book and all of the other verses that disagree with the one you're quoting.
haven't said this for awhile but fuck do I LOVE your comments Elvis (and I'm still NOT gay…I think? :)
Cain could not remember if he supported the Libyan-style colonoscopy foreign Muslins gave Quaddafi during his end-of-life care.
DEATH PANEL LIBEL!!!1111!!
Well at least it wasn't a lady doctor, amirite fellas?
Never! It's Cain who plays doctor with the ladies.
"Say, woman, I've got another part of me that seems to be a bit… shall we say, "swollen?" Heh, heh… howsabout you take a look at it, Doctor?"
"Been that way for four hours now…"
Doctor, it's so bizarre, let me show you what happens when blood suddenly rushes to this thing…
Ha, my dad actually calls his his "lady doctor." But I would think you piss them off at your own peril.
I'm assuming the Hermanator had ass cancer right?
Al-Opecia?
The FBI wanted to ban it, but the evidence was too patchy.
Charlie Villanueva Libel.
Spending five minutes at the Holy Land Experience in Florida would probably give you cancer.
Then Cain grabbed her head and pushed it towards his crotch.
"Doctor, this is where it hurts!"
… for Jeebus
Wait'll he finds out that his cancer drugs were invented by Jewish pharmacologists.
He's a math major. Doesn't he know that the Arabs invented numbers?
Heathen Hindoos invented the zero, one reads, along with chess and curry.
Well he also thinks that taxing everyone at nine percent will be revenue neutral — so he's making as much of that math education as Dubya did with his Harvard MBA.
PJA (Pandering Jack Ass)
Oh my Christian God! My doctor is a headscarf-wearing Muslim lady doctor! I AM SO GLAD Mr. Pizza has informed me of her obvious inferiority. Can I make her un-deliver my baby???
For foreign is "too foreign"? Is there a Herman Cain-brand sliding scale?
George Washington (0) <– Apple pie, NASCAR and puppies
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Rick Santorum (5) <– I googled his name to find out where it was from and cried
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Dr Abdallah (7) <– Looking askance and wondering
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Barack Hussein Obama (10) <– Definitely a Muslim Kenyan Terrorist Marxist
not only are you SMART but funny as hell too…also
i would not like them wearing socks.
i would not like them live on Fox.
i do not like the Musselman.
i do not like them, Cain i am.
I'm not sure I want any doctor to cure him of cancer, foreign or domestic, Xtian or Zoroastrian.
The doctor is in? http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100806103…
‘Don’t worry, he’s a Christian'
Not all that comforting for some folks.
Your doctor believes your heavenly reward or punishment is predetermined and therefore killing you now is sort of, yeah, whatevers.
Fuck that PA, can't believe she'd console a patient worrying about the physician's faith. The Hippocratic Oath is all I care about.
"No, no, Mr. Cain, the doctor worships money too."
Perfect.
My thought exactly.
Nicely put.
fucking WIN! (of the month at least?)
"My mind immediately started thinking"
Sure Herman, whatever you say.
That never happened. As an atheist, I can assure you that miracles do not exist.
"Thinking" = "stuff twirling around in my head"
Stuff. Or hookworms.
Personally, I prefer a president in whose mind "thinking" doesn't have to be "started" on special occasions.
Herman needs to have his brain aborted.
Cerebellum Section.
The brain goes in. The brain goes out. Wh……………………………..
Too late.
The doctor who is going to yank out "Miss Mookie" isn't Christian. She's the best doctor and I chose her because she has medical journals and not bibles in her office.
Out there in the "New" part of Mexico, is the,i> New England Journal of Medicine available in Hopi as well as español?
Oh fuckity, fuck, fuck! Espanol? I am going to be hungry after they play Operation on me. Is it pronounced "jell-o" or "hell-o?" Be my best friend and have something catered and delivered for me, please. Thanks in advance.
Hopefully you don't have to wait until Hanuary to have your operation.
In Alabama it is illegal to read Spanish medical journals.
In Alabama it is illegal to read.
WIN
My Biblical God will kill me deader from cancer than your Sharia God!!
I love the story about the black doctor who invented blood transfusions and died on the steps of a hospital after a car wreck because – you guessed it – they didn't give transfusions to people who sounded too foreign! Hilarious!
Yes, and they were "good Christians" who refused to help. That's the kind that Herman, son of Cain, wants to treat his cancer or his STD. You know, Herman, you can catch "certain things" from that head-in-lap move.
That's one of those urban legends that will never die, but it is in fact untrue. As one of the doctors in the accident with Dr. Charles Drew recounted:
"We all received the very best of care. The doctors started treating us immediately. [...] He had a superior vena caval syndrome—blood was blocked getting back to his heart from his brain and upper extremities. To give him a transfusion would have killed him sooner. Even the most heroic efforts couldn't have saved him. I can truthfully say that no efforts were spared in the treatment of Drew, and, contrary to popular myth, the fact that he was a Negro did not in any way limit the care that was given to him."
I know, but why spoil a perfectly good story with a lot of ugly facts?
dumb Republican audience – isn't this an inane redundancy?
As opposed to a name taken from that of the first recorded murderer.
Yeah, of all the people in the Bible to be named after, Cain isn't exactly at the top of anyone's list. ??!!?
Muslin doctor Abdallah wouldn't cold FRAGGED his ass!! Cause that's what they do, y'know?
The enlightened Mr. Cain sounds a lot like my EX-father-in-law, to whom everyone with brown skin who wasn't clearly a "Mexican" was a "Pakistani," pronounced with emphatic disdain.
you mean like "Pack-i-stan-stan-stan-i?
"That sounds foreign — not that I had anything against foreign doctors": yes, and some of his best friends are negroes.
I guess I ask – why oh why didn't they just let Cain die?
Muslim is the new black
What an asshole. I bet he's totally understanding when white people cross the street to avoid him on the sidewalk.
And equally understanding when black people cross the street to avoid him on the sidewalk.
And children, and people in wheelchairs, and dogs…
And women. Don't forget the ladies.
Except the blond, white women, who know he'll just cross the street with them.
Bachmann's doctor hands out lollipops with tumors in them to vaccinate against cancer.
Pretty Biblically-touchy for a guy named Cain, if you ask me.
He's got the Mark of Cain too (according to two other GOP candidates.)
Gotta say, I have a new Russian doctor – he reduced my BP medications – I was skeptical – but my BP actually improved – best #'s ever. He also PRESCRIBED exercise (you know more than typing comments into Wonkette). I am a pretty fit person, but I am really happy with the new furrin doctor.
I also had a right wing Christian doctor – who was also excellent – we would never have changed him but he moved to South Carolina.
Yeah, over the last seven or eight years, I've re-gained my enthusiasm for exercise. It *is* what your body is designed to do, after all.
Besides, riding crazy fast on a bicycle is a rush.
It's the best.
Prescribed exercise as in you get a tax deduction for joining a gym?
Never thought of that!!! But I don't use a gym anyway – the great outdoors is still free! At least for now???
Following the Repiggie line of reasoning, Hermie doesn't need health care.
JUST PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS AND WILL YOURSELF TO GET HEALTHY ON YOUR OWN, YOU WHINING HIPPIE BASTARD!!111!1
See how that works?
Cancer drugs are sochulizm!
I really miss the kinder, gentler, "not that there's anything wrong with that" days.
And he cured Herman anyway. What a good fellow. Someone here is doing god's work, but it ain't Fear-Your-Neighbor Herman.
The bigger the asshole, the better the teabaggers like him.
Who knew they were all goatse fans?
~
STOP THE MUSLINZ FROM SPREADING SHARIA MEDICINE!
As someone who works at a hospital for cancer, and deals with patients on behalf of our physicians as part of my job, I can simply say that this is one of those very, very, very fun interactions to have with patients. Ugh. I've actually had pretty much that exact one-sided conversation with a patient about a Lebanese surgeon I worked with, too, and hated every minute of it, and also the patient's guts, too, pretty much instantly.
On the other hand, just to be clear, we all definitely say very nasty things about those patients behind their backs later, so that's some consolation.
Tell us more stories, Mumbly! Please!
That M*A*S*H episode where that patient is paranoid about getting a "black blood" transfusion and they put blackface on him while he's asleep. Hilarious.
And this, along with Newt's paean against child labor laws, is just a warm-up for tomorrow night's debate / goatfuck.
Hope they didn't try giving him darkie blood in the OR.
What Doctor, Muslim or otherwise, would want to touch that pig?
"My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine!”
Yeah…he might be the type who thinks shoving women's heads into a man's crotch is a bad thing. Oh no!
Next thing you know, they will be telling me that someone named Barack Hussein Obama could be a Christian too.
It was really Baruch HaShem but he didn't want to alienate the Christians
Ha! No, they probably won't.
Cain is right, though, in that Jesus only healed the Christians.
It certainly defies belief that a man who would proudly tell this story to the public could possibly have harassed all those women, doesn't it? He just oozes respect for his fellow humans, in much the same way that Archie Bunker did.
Well, Archie did have one redemning quality, he really loved that…uh, I forget now…uh, who was she…uh, oh, yeah, that dingbat!!
Then the doctor walked in and said "There's must be some mistake. I'm a gastroenterologist, but I don't do assholes."
many points to you!!!!
Cain still cancelled his appointment, though; the doctor wasn't white.
And on that note, I think I've just found a new campaign theme song for Cain!
"Adam Raised a Cain"?
Bah, forgot the http://.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jxtHzMOe1w
The really confusing thing is why clicking on the malformed link takes you to a particular Wonkabout article.
You know, this is just fucking depressing. During my working life, I met a couple dozen mid-size CEOs, and got to know a few of them a little bit; plus, being in Silicon Valley, I have various friends who are/were startup / small-company CEOs.
Some of these acquaintances were varying degrees of asshole, but all of them were at least fairly bright (some were freaking brilliant) and had some concept of being on the ball.
How did this nebbish ever become the CEO of a lemonade stand? How can anyone take him seriously?
Similar experiences here… In fact, I used to be in a state department program where I gave classes to third world telecom ministers and none of the GOP canidates except Huntsman and Romney could get a job as Deputy Under Minster of Posts & Telecom in Outer Swabolia.
But what about Elbonia? Or U-becky-becky-fucky-fucky-mc-stan-stan?
'Lizabeth….I'm comin' to join you….
The PA, however, is Muslim.
We are coming to the point where words simply do not suffice…
If this isn't the biggest pandering to the Base case I've ever heard, I'm not sure what is.
It's like a parody of pandering. A Parondering.
"Lebanon" Hermie exclaimed, "Thank Jeebus, I was afraid you was from one of them Middle -Eastern Countries."
Who's the doctor from Arab-Raqi Raqi-Raqi-Iran-Iran?
That prolly be Doctor Feelgood.
Tommy Lee, M.D., Urology Specialist?
Proctologist; but with Cain, where to start?
Lebanon?
Is that the one in CT? GA? IL? IN? KS? KY? ME? MO? NE? Or NH?
All of 'em, Katie.
Wait, I thought being black was the new foreign?
Oh Clayton Bigsby…
What a dumbass. This guy really is a fucking idiot. I have no other way to describe him. If someone asked me "How would you describe Herman Cain?" my reply would be "He's a fucking idiot."
Hey subsum – thanks for deleting the message two days ago. (I would have replied to the remaining ghost-message but intensedebate didn't give me the option.) Sorry if I sounded cranky. I was angry about the photo of ol' snoutface spraying the students and some tone may have spilled over.
No prob, bro.
It is reassuring that he has dropped in the polls, but WTF? If I am in a life or death situation I don't give a flying fuck if the attending physician is named Howdy Doody let alone a middle eastern surname, just try to keep me alive alright? I suppose he has to do these little dances for the GOP base, just to prove he hates anyone who isn't christian and white, but damn, if he *really* was worried about the doctor, the man is even more stupid than I can fathom.
When I was going in for a transplant I forgot to ask the surgeon (femaie, brown, funny name and a slight accent) what her religion was. I am doomed to hell! Maybe I can get a white Christian male to do it over.
“She said, ‘He’s from Lebanon.’ Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, maybe he can get me some of there famous baloney I like baloney"
I clicked on the Holy Land Experience link. I was thinking, you know, Beirut in the 1980s or something. Oh, my gosh! It's a real theme park!
You've not seen Religulous? I highly recommend it.
KAIA MURSI sounds kind of foreign, too. But all those vowels sound kinda hawt.
Jesus Christ.
My mind immediately started thinking, "Wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine!”
Haha, mind. As if.
I have a friend who insists the whole Herman Cain candidacy is performance art. I am beginning to think she might be right.
Rachel Maddow has announced on the air that that is her theory, too.
Right, but she's still playing it polite and not discussing on air what kind of performance art it actually is.
It is some kind of performance, but it sure as hell isn't art.
Today, we are all on Candid Camera.
Kunta Kinte is rolling in his unmarked grave.
Look Bill, I'm not a bigot. But when I'm on the operating table waiting for a doctor to jam his arm elbow-deep up my ass all the way to my colon to yank the cancer out and he's wearing Muslim garb instead of scrubs to identify himself first and foremost as a Muslim, I get worried, I get nervous.
Nice!
You know, you'd think people would be pretty psyched to have Muslim doctors operating on them – they scrub in five times a day even when they're not at work!
And the lady ones keep masked up all the time, just in case!
I actually keep a Cypriot in my desk drawer. They are a wee little people.
Cain: Why did you kill your brother Abel?
‘Don’t worry, he’s a Christian' , but fortunately he still believes in the scientific method and evidence based practice, unlike some of the retards around here who call themselves Christian, so you have *some* chance of surviving..
I guess if his faith were stronger, Herman would be a Christian Scientist instead of a doctor-using Baptist.
This black dude is a racist. we have come a long way America. Look up, all is well in Kansas.
I once bought an old book (1887?) titled "True Men As We Need Them" that listed the Catholic way the professions (lawyer, doctor, AND journalist) should live their lives. In the doctor section it proclaimed that there was no higher end in medicine than insuring the dying patient would be accepted into heaven, suggesting even withholding medical care until they repent.
Creeping Sharia!
"The doctor is Lebanese? Howzabout you and me and her do a little three-way action?"
I wonder if Cain's experience was comprable to the time I was doing some Shabbat flying from Israel to New York (midnight flight) The security guard flipped open my passport and after a few questions confirmed I was NOT with the 50 fucking TBN McHoly Land Tour Retards infront of me. We exchanged a smile and then he sent me around to the front of the xray line. Warm fuzzies indeed!
I miss my Somali Muslim Gastroenterologist in Doha and the group of Sri Lankan nurses who took awesome care of me even when I acted like a spoiled, crying American baby, begging them to stop sticking things up my ass. I've never had better care in my life. Cain is a pandering and ignorant POS, unworthly even of a bag of dicks.
The curse of Hamand Cain.
Wot a tool!
Obvious asshole is obvious.
"OK, Libya…. uh, the Middle East…. only Mooslims there, right? It's all whirling around in my head now."
I guess the real question is why is Herman Cain's faith so weak that he sought medical care at all? If he REALLY trusts Jebus, then why did he rely on procedures and medicines that were developed by godless humanists, Jews, and believers in EVILUTION?
Herman Cain: He doesn't really trust Jesus.
You want to really fuck with his head? Tell him how many doctors are atheists.
Or how many of them have God complexes themselves?
Ya know, the last person I'd want to piss off is my oncologist, know what I mean? Pissing off your gastroenterologist before a colonoscopy is risky enough but your oncologist is the person trying to keep your sorry ass alive.
Well, at least the cancer doctor's name wasn't Goldberg or something like that.
Whoopi Libel!
Are you fucking serious?
Cain, when you put the toppings on your pizzas, you don't worry what religion those toppings are, now do you? You know, those Anchovies, and Red Peppers, and Canadian Bacon – and you're supposed to be putting THAT in other people's tummies?!?
I wonder if the Irony of Cains racism is completely lost on him. I am thinking of the segregated hospitals of the old days…perhaps Cain would like one of those the next time his willie needs a penis pump?
In a way, I can understand his concern. I share it, except I want a doctor who worships science instead. I haven't been to a doctor in 10 years because I fear some Xtian deciding it's Zod's will.
Call me a ninja-ist, but in my mind there is a certain word linked to sub-zero masks and "surgery".
What I don't get is why a stage 4 cancer patient is considered healthy enough to be president.
This proves it for me. Cain honestly doesn't realize he's black. No black person that realizes their ethnicity says shit like this; it's just too fraught with hypocrisy to go there. I mean, this is actually like those folks you hear that plead with their youngz not to take them to a black doctor, or let a black doctor operate on them in the emergency room.
Oh, yeah, thank Allah for Maronite Christians.
He's better than black. He's a black who has risen above. And he is utterly, totally incapable of self-awareness.
He doesn't like them in his chair, he does not like them over there.
He does not like them anywhere!
HURRAY FOR GREEN EGGS AND BIGOTED IGNORANCE!
Don't blame Herman. He's always been suspicious of strange-sounding names ever since that Heywood Jablomi incident.
I am with you. And, I will be praying there are really monsters under there. Couldn't be worse than reality.
Or squeeze in under the Uz-nighti-nighti-nighti-stand-stand next to your bed.
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