happy holidays!

Debt Supercommittee Fulfills Its Promise To Make Everything Worse

At least God still thinks America is the best nation on Earth, because no one else does.Hooray, the Dow Jones decided to start its day with a two hundred point crash in apparent surprise at history’s least surprising news ever, that somehow a few months of mindless bickering between the twelve members of the bipartisan congressional deficit-reduction “supercommittee” has — how is it possible? you ask — officially amounted to abject failure according to some sad announcement members will submit in lieu of a proposal by the assigned Thanksgiving deadline. Oh sure, there may have been one or two humans somewhere eating record amounts of acid in celebration of their last unemployment checks who hopefully dreamed for a hot second there was some chance that this thing running America called “Congress” would actually manage to “govern,” but like we said, that would take a lot of acid. Were these corrupt goons at least trying to come up with some kind of last-minute deal, just as a show of good faith?

Hahahahaha, no, they were on the teevee, blaming each other before the corpse of a budget reduction deal had even gone cold.

The Hill reports:

Earlier in the day, supercommittee members from both parties headlined Sunday news shows, expressing faint hope but little confidence that they could find $1.2 trillion in budget cuts.

In separate interviews, six supercommittee members also admitted that they had a tight window, and pledged to keep working until time had run out.

“I’m at the table. I want to solve this,” [Sen. Patty] Murray said on CNN’s “State of the Union.”

Here is a weird thing about physics, is that you cannot actually be on television talking to numbskull CNN anchors and be “at the table” at the same time. Details!

And Barack Obama, who steadfastly refused to have any part in the supercommittee’s work throughout because eh, he already submitted his homework in the form of a jobs bill no one wants to pass, even fled to Asia to avoid any confusion as to where he was during the final days of the fictional “negotiations.” So not his fault Congress blows! We look forward to the inevitable fundraising spam reminding us as much in, what, a few hours?

Ugh, and Obama wasn’t the only one who wanted to avoid even geographic proximity to the panel’s total failure.


Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) told a crowd at a fundraiser last week that a debt agreement was a long-shot, noting that he had to be in Florida by Wednesday to brine the Thanksgiving turkey he got shipped there. Top aides to the Democratic and Republican leadership didn’t come to the Capitol over weekend, and neither did most of the members on the committee. Even as committee members said publicly they hoped for a last-minute breakthrough, the Capitol was virtually empty Sunday.

Boehner had not heard from Obama as of Sunday evening, aides said, and the White House refused to say whether the president had done any personal outreach or made any phone calls to committee members at the 11th hour.

Sorta makes you wonder if maybe it would better if they would just always stay away from Washington, all of them, forever? Oh well, Congress will now get to work on its real task, letting John McCain and Lindsey Graham dismantle the $500 billion in automatic defense spending cuts triggered by the supercommittee failure while equal automatic cuts to domestic programs benefiting the poor and elderly proceed quietly, as Jesus intended. [The Hill/Politico/AP]

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    1. GOPCrusher

      Just heard that asshat on NPR, saying that the real problem is that the Democrats refuse to address the spending problem, and want to raise taxes to further Obama's Socialist Agenda.
      When are we going to see the benefits of this Socialist Agenda? Or better yet, when are we going to see the man propose something Socialist?

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        The question is, has FOX News blamed Obama for the Crucifixion of Jesus? Or are they waiting for Bill O'Reilly's annual War on Christmas special for that?

        1. chicken_thief

          Well, I'm pretty sure that the Romans were influenced by creeping Muslin Sharia Law, which also was the downfall of the Empire. They should have listened to Paul Revere warning the British. Also. Too.

  1. SexySmurf

    noting that he had to be in Florida by Wednesday to brine the Thanksgiving turkey he got shipped there.

    By "Florida" he meant his tool shed and by "the Thanksgiving turkey he got shipped there" he meant his liver.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Like that elitist tool is in anyway involved with food prep. His hired brownz will be making all the vittles. He probably doesn't even pour his own super double scotch booze bombs.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        No, no. Long tradition of entitled white males taking over the glory portions of this particular occasion, leaving it to the help/little women to do all the rest of the work. So he brines it, but his freaking wife has to then cook it, 4 sides, get the table set, etc.

      2. msbreathing

        He'll be passed out in the mashed potatoes before the turkey is even served.
        Kind of reminds me of my brother in law.

        1. Master Janitor V572

          You are correct, thank you. Got reeled in by the ol’ false-equivalency scam. As Jules Feiffer once had Eisenhower say, “We must strike a path between those who want to keep schools open and those who want to blow them up.”

  2. Master Janitor V572

    At least Berlusconi had the decency* to resign after failing to persuade his hand-picked parliament to tell the population it's time to eat your broccoli. Can we get some technocrats in here to fix our mess? That always works. We already tried the fascist dictator thing with Chimpy, and it turned out that the drawbacks outweighed the benefits, as he most definitely did not make the trains run on time.
    *Well, really there was a gun at his head

  3. Sue4466

    I get that Boehner has to be there for the turkey brining, because his tears are the main ingredient, but why Florida? And what, Florida turkeys aren't good enough, he has to ship them in?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Maybe Caribou Barbie sends him a turkey; the people he represents in Congress clearly aren't good enough to share his holiday. But when Obama goes to Hawaii for Christmas, I'm sure the Tan Man will declare that unpatriotic — Hawaii being a foreign country with flowers in December and sexy dancing.

  4. DetectiveGrey

    In other news, a conservative activist by the name of Grovero Norquista has been making news in Mexico, urging the ruling drug cartels to sign pledges stating that they will never raise taxes on themselves.

  5. memzilla

    Jeebus H. Tap Dancing Christ on a Soda Cracker, Scrooge McDuck had better budgeting and political skills.

  6. Master Janitor V572

    Don't worry, the sequestration doesn't begin until 2013, except for that little payroll tax cut you got — it'll disappear out of your first 2012 paycheck. And the really good news is that there actually won't be any defense cuts because…c'mon! We need the F-35, for the jerbs!

    What's that you say — I would be cheaper to lay off defense workers and pay them unemployment than it is to pay them to build airplanes we don't need? Maybe, but how are Boeing or Lockheed Martin going to make any money out of a deal like that? Get serious!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm sure U.C. campus police could use a few V-22 Ospreys. I hear the prop wash really moves the pepper spray around.

    2. JustPixelz

      The DoD budget has doubled in the last ten years. So we can win a war against men on horseback. Let's go back to the defense we had when we beat won in Panama, Grenada, the Soviet Union and — wait for it — beat Iraq in 35 minutes.

      We can use some of the savings to hire some more goons to stand outside airplane doors.

  7. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Oh well, Congress will now get to work on its real task, letting John McCain and Lindsey Graham dismantle the $500 billion in automatic defense spending cuts triggered by the supercommittee failure while equal automatic cuts to domestic programs benefiting the poor and elderly proceed

    These aren't the hellfire-equipped death-droids you're looking for. Move along.

    1. JustPixelz

      They'll pass some bill to increase defense spending instead. Then howl at the Dems for saying "I will not put one more penny of debt on my children's shoulders."

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    How can this be so hard. By the position taken by both parties, we simply need a deal that doesn't cut domestic spending, doesn't cut defense, allows us to bomb the browns back into the stone age, and doesn't raise taxes on the wealthy because they are so busy creating jobs with the lowest tax rates on the wealthy since the 50s.

    Maybe if we just started Mississippi, everyone would be happy.

  9. Callyson

    The people who criticize OWS for supposedly not having a specific plan to get our country out of this mess might take a good, hard look at the clown in Congress, who are *paid* to come up with something…
    Happy f'n Thanksgiving, Congress!

  10. Master Janitor V572

    The one "leak" from the committee that is totally believable is that "Lurch" Kerry wasted everybody's time with pointless speechifying.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      On NPR this morning, Chris Matthews was gushing about Kerry's "leadership," which in Villager speak is defined as "raising your voice above 50 decibels in order to mildly call out your dumbass colleagues."

      Where was Kerry the last two months? How convenient that Kerry only shows "leadership" the day after everyone's given up on the super-committee.

  11. DetectiveGrey

    I can't wait until these balanced cuts across the board are accepted by Congress without complaint in accordance with the deal they agreed upon when the debt ceiling was raised.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      That was then. This is now

      It was all about "waaah budget deficit and national debt". Turns out that our Republican chums didn't really care about that. Now the narrative will be that Hopey will allow the defence cuts to come through which destroys jerbs in this economy. Fuck the poors though.

      It's almost as if nobody in Congress really cares about the country.

  12. CliveWarren

    "Six supercommittee members also admitted that they had a tight window."

    The other six sheepishly admitted that their windows were wide as fuck. "It's like swinging a baguette in an airplane hangar," said one supermember…

    1. flamingpdog

      Supercommittee needs a 13th member to break the log*jam. Given their comments, I nominate Marcus Bachmann.

      *ha, ha, I said "log".

  13. Goonemeritus

    I heard the schedule was so tight they could only spare time for 90% of the lobbyist that wanted to meet with them.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Now if those lobbyists were children, supervised by a master lobbyist, they could fit more of them in a congressional office.

  14. donner_froh

    The chances of defense spending being cut by one cent when the supercommittee gives up and the "automatic" cuts are triggered across the board:

    1) None

    2) A snowball's in hell

    3) Fuck you, Islamofascist terrorist who fears our freedoms and wants to destroy Amerikkka. I will hit you in the mouth with this $18,000 pipe wrench.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Why are you hitting me with the cheapest model pipe wrench? I deserve to be whacked with a model that costs at least $40,000.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Cool it… Goldman Sachs is doing well selling my snowball futures. Nobody's supposed to know that they're designed to … you know.

  15. BerkeleyBear

    The Dems didn't cave in order to make a last second deal. The President didn't negotiate because he knew it was pointless. Isn't that what all the assholes on the far left said was wrong with the Dem strategy up until now on everything – that Dems were too willing to compromise? Well, they didn't, so now those same assholes are all going to bitch that Hopey didn't swoop in at the last second and give away Medicare to make a deal.

    1. GregComlish

      the assholes bitching about Obama compromising and the assholes bitching about Obama's lack of centrism are distinct sets of assholes.

    2. flamingpdog

      Snark off, how does that even follow? I'm one of those far-left assholes that said the Dems were too willing to compromise, and I would only bitch if Hopey did swoop in at the last second and give away Medicare to make a deal.

    3. fuflans

      meh. it's the baggers. it was the baggers, it currently is the baggers and it will be the baggers until someone makes them take a test or something.

    1. bureaucrap

      why not both? Have you heard of "Crack-Jack" — delicious popcorn covered with a flavorful coating of crack cocaine. and comes with a prize. The prize is crack. Admittedly not an opiate, but might make you feel better temporarily.

  16. chicken_thief

    I seriously doubt that the super committee action, or lack thereof, had anything to do with anything. The more likely rationale is the Goldman Sachs went short across the board, so started throwing shit against the wall hoping something would stick and the market would tank short term. By days end, they will be back to long on all the blue chips.

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Someone in the media or Washington really needs to point out that this failure is actually a good thing since cutting trillions of government spending during a major recession is probably a very bad idea that'll throw thousands out of work and hurt the economy even more.

    But I doubt they will.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Wasn't it Mark Zandi who pointed out about three years ago that not only would one stimulus spending plan be necessary to bail out the economy, but we would need two?

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank goodness that in this time of trouble, Speaker Boehner is avoiding his constituency and keeping his orange glow alive in Florida.

  19. stopthemovie

    Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are, oh You well heeled big wheel, ha ha, charade you are…….

  20. Oblios_Cap

    Oh well, Congress will now get to work on its real task, letting John McCain and Lindsey Graham dismantle the $500 billion in automatic defense spending cuts triggered by the supercommittee failure while equal automatic cuts to domestic programs benefiting the poor and elderly proceed quietly, as Jesus intended.

    Do you the Devil's work.

  21. MissusBarry

    So, is Boner importing that turkey from Ohio or something? Who the fuck has a turkey shipped in? Apparently, the local market is far far beneath a man (or his servants) so orange, er rich, as the speaker.

    As to the supercommittee failure.,.about as surprising a the sun coming up in the east. The announcement of said failure days before the actual deadline, however, is a nice touch.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Other governments have the ability to hold a confidence vote and flush the useless fuckers out. Sure wish we had something like that.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Sadly enough, voting the assholes out makes for a great slogan. But voters don't think it's their asshole that needs to go.

  22. SorosBot

    But how will we solve the non-problem of the deficit even though we're in a recession and should be spending more government money, not less, but are ruled by morons who believe in Hoovernomics now?

    1. BarackMyWorld

      "Hoovernomics" is as good a term for it as any. Not just for the similarities to the Hoover Administration's policies, but their resemblance to the similarly named vacuum cleaners' sucking.

    1. b[redact]opple

      Speaking of cigarettes and turkey, when is Ken going to post the real actual awesome cranberry business this year?

    2. Rotundo_

      No, Johnny has people to brine the bird and cook it for him. What they use for brine who knows, but I have some suggestions if they want some ideas…

  23. mavenmaven

    The Republicans will not rest until every one of us, and our children (until they are old enough to be fodder for meaningless foreign for-profit adventures) have been transformed into exploitable chattel for their corporate overlords.

  24. SenileAgitation

    I just want better broadband, is that such a chore? I think even the supercommittee can admit that is worthwhile.

  25. MARCdMan

    In a normal country filled with reasonably intelligent people, this would be the sign that it's time to vote all of these clowns out and get new lawmakers that can actually govern. Good thing for the clowns that this is 'murica.

  26. prommie

    Unnecessary and unworkable compromise solution to artificial, manufactured crisis fails to meet fake, arbitrary "deadline." I once had a girlfriend who worked things this way. Drama, blame, repeat.

  27. elviouslyqueer

    “From the Democratic side, it was the same thing — raise taxes, pass the president's jobs bill, no entitlement reform,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) on NBC’s “Meet the Press.” "On the Republican side, you had the one true breakthrough and that was this new concept of tax reform which could generate revenue from the upper brackets for deficit reduction."

    With respect, Sen. Kyl, FUCK YOU with a Drano-soaked cattle prod. Oh, and PS: I'm reserving a rusty straight razor for your microscopic genitalia too, Grover Norquist.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      "…new concept of tax reform which could generate revenue from the upper brackets…"

      The fuck is he talking about?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Extending the Bush-era tax cuts, yet again. For fuck's sake, all these assholes have is one idea, and I guess they think by repeating it over and over and over again, eventually it'll happen. Textbook insanity, iow.

          1. imissopus

            The one give on taxes by the GOP, if I'm not mistaken, was a proposal to limit deductions in such a way that would have raised a whopping $250 billion over the next ten years. To Republicans, this is an enormous sacrifice for them to make. Hence Kyl trying to bullshit everyone about his party's reasonableness. Oh, the limits on deductions would have been accompanied by something like $3 trillion in cuts over the same time frame.

      2. Chichikovovich

        I seem to remember a trial balloon being floated about eliminating certain deductions, which would indeed raise a lot of revenue. One of the big revenue generators was, as I recall, eliminating the mortgage interest deduction. Right there you know the proposal was 100% not-serious. There is no flipping way the Congress is going to vote to eliminate that huge giveaway to the middle and upper classes. That's as certain as 2+2=4. Especially because it would generate a tsunami of negative ads from the Realtors' association, the homebuilders, etc.

        So I'm guessing that what the Republicans did was a) find a bunch of deductions whose elimination would rake in the loot. b) Make sure that the theoretical in-raking of the loot did not result from actually raising the base percentage of income taxed – so that they could say "we didn't propose raising taxes, just eliminating loopholes the rich use." c) Choose deductions that by the inexorable laws of congressional stuff-doing, will never be eliminated before the heat death of the universe.

        Then you can claim to have had great innovative ideas about reducing the deficit "without raising taxes" but won't actually have to do anything.

        That is my guess – but maybe someone who has been following the debate more closely can chip in.

        1. GOPCrusher

          Eliminating the mortgage interest deduction will have the same effect on the housing market as the elimination of the deduction of interest paid on automobile purchases had on the auto industry during the Reagan Depression.

  28. LiveToServeYa

    DOW down 200 points. 200 points isn't even a 'crash', anymore. It's more of a 'flux' or a 'hiccup' or an 'oops'.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      It's a speculative profit opportunity for those with liquid capital and ultra-fast trading software.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Figurative economic burps and farts, less serious than the vomit or taking a dump we've gotten used to.

  29. glamourdammerung

    Why exactly did Boner have to have a turkey shipped to Florida? Do they not have grocery stores? He mentioned brining, so I am guessing it was not some kind of nicotine-smoked bird.

  30. bureaucrap

    I thought "history’s least surprising news ever" was either "Ricky Martin Gay" or "This Years' Wall Street Bonuses Even Bigger than Last Year's".

  31. PuckStopsHere

    Jefferson himself said: The tree of Liberty must be watered from time to time with the brine of turkeys.

    1. RadiosTyrone

      He will be back to make sure that the Bush/Obama tax cuts go untouched. After all, you can't raise taxes during Black Friday Week.

  32. smoothmineral

    Fuck bipartisanship. When will Obama learn to avoid working with these filthy (rich), greedy Repigs when he has the choice?
    If he had just used the Constitutional option to raise the debt ceiling without Congress, none of this would be happening right now.

    Oh well, at least we were able to avoid getting our credit rating downgraded…

  33. stopthemovie

    John Boehner's turkey brine : one fifth Jameson's, one fifth VO, one fifth Southern Comfort, one fifth Scotch and one fifth Old Grandad, soak Turkey for 24 hours. Remove Turkey from brine and despose. Makes one gallon of gravy.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Oh yeah, they could run that one up until 2040.

      "What, the UltraMegaWonderCongress Committee failed? It must be time for the GigaPowerUberSteering Group to appoint members to a new FabuSuperDogsBollocksHeavenly Committee"

  34. Eve8Apples

    Importing fancy out of state turkeys to sunny vacation destinations sounds like something reserved for the top 1% of American wage earners. The other 99% of us will be lined up at the local food bank eating expired local turkeys with a side of hobo beans.

    I can't understand why Congressional leaders don't relate to the problems of ordinary Americans.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The expired turkey hot dogs aren't too bad, as long as you cut the green stuff off before throwing them in the water.

  35. SoBeach

    There are three possibilities:

    1. The supercommittee agrees to drastic cuts to programs benefiting the middle class and poor, or

    2. There's no agreement, and drastic cuts are automatically made to programs benefiting the middle class and poor, or

    3. Nobody does anything, they refuse to raise the debt ceiling, we default, and programs benefiting the middle class and poor are dissolved.

    Sounds bad, I know, but we're all going to have to sacrifice if we're going to make sure the job creators don't have to pay another 3% on income over $250,000.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    I don't understand why this is called a failure when nobody expected the Republicans to present anything reasonable — as long as the automatic cuts take effect, something will be done. It's too bad idiots like McCain and Graham can't see the bloated military budget (twice what it was before 9/11) touched at all — but $50 billion is what — two toilets and a hammer?

  37. smitallica

    I wonder what the right-wing reaction would be if most of the Democratic caucus in Congress said they couldn't budge on a particular issue because they had signed a promise to some unelected wonk at an extremist think tank.

    I'm sure they would accept that with their characteristic grace and aplomb.

  38. BlueStateLibel

    The most puzzling thing about all of this is why Boehner has to ship a turkey to Flordia and why does he have to personally "brine" it? Everyone knew this BS committee was just BS anyway.

  39. e_z

    Myself, I've always wondered what "I don't know whether to shit or go blind" means. I guess I still don't.

  40. Mumbletypeg

    Boehner… to be in Florida by Wednesday to brine the Thanksgiving turkey

    Newt Gingrich is barely restraining himself from pointing out to the House Speaker his missed opportunity to call on any number of extended clan's unemployed grand-nieces & -nephews to enlist for fetching, soaking and stuffing however many gourmet turduckens it takes to feed a tribe of Boehners.

  41. johnnyzhivago

    Instead of admitting failure, why not say they came up with the BEST idea ever, wrote it down and then lost it.

    Shift the debate from republican/democrat to "who lost it"

  42. comrad_darkness

    If they aren't cutting the defense budget to 1/3 of its current level, this is all just bullshit anyway. You can't even eliminate the deficit, let alone cut into the debt without butchering that bloated half rotting carcass and the military industrial companies sucking on its teats.

  43. DaRooster

    “was unable to reach agreement because President Obama and Washington Democrats insisted on dramatic tax hikes on American job creators, which would make our economy worse.”

    FUCK YOU BOEHNER!! You good for nothing, hateful, scumbag piece of shit!! "Dramatic" hikes?? One half of one percent is barely a hike… let alone dramatic. MAGGOT!

  44. hagajim

    And Barack Obama, who steadfastly refused to have any part in the supercommittee’s work- because it's not his job. Though a little bit of leadership would certainly help

  45. poorgradstudent

    This would all be so much easier if they'd just admit that the only thing they want tax money to ever be spent on is blowing up Muslims and making sure that bank presidents can retire without having to worry about selling their third winter homes in Europe.

  46. ttommyunger

    "Debt Supercommittee Fulfills Its Promise To Make Everything Worse." And this is headline-worthy exactly why?

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