FAT ARMCHAIR SURFING FOOLS  10:44 am November 21, 2011

Newt Gingrich To America’s 15.7 Million Poor Kids: Get a Job

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson


Sure, everyone knows that the problem with poor adults is that they refuse to just JUST GET A JOB ALREADY, GOD, but did you know that drooling millionaire tool Newt Gingrich has expertly deduced that this is also the problem with America’s swelling ranks (one in five these days, by the latest report) of hobo kiddies? Why are there are so many able-bodied 11-year-olds always trying to attend school for free, on the government dime? Maybe they need to try working for once in their lives, as school janitors, say?

Oh right, those pesky socialist “child labor laws” prevent them from obtaining gainful employment most of the time.

From the transcript, via CNN:

“It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”

“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”

Meanwhile, those unionized janitors can begin the “process of getting an unemployment check,” so that America might return to the more successful “Dickensian work-study orphanage model.”

And because Newt is an irredeemable jerk who will say anything he thinks will make him popular with the legions of disgruntled teabagger assholes who resent poor children for existing, he was also against child labor in 1996. [CNN]

 
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{ 269 comments }

SexySmurf November 21, 2011 at 10:48 am

Can't those poor kids just get jobs lobbying for Freddie Mac? I heard you can make $1.6 million doing that.

chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 11:04 am

Or possibly the official cashier at Tiffany's for the Gingrich family?

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

What they should do is fire Newt and hire 16 kids at 100 large apiece.

bagofmice November 21, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I bet they would know more HTML, JavaScript, and CSS than newt ever will. If newt wants to provide children jobs, he could start by having someone tell him he doesn't need to print out his email

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 11:28 am

Historian, SexySmurf! He was a historian for FreddieMac for crissakes.

Lascauxcaveman November 21, 2011 at 11:43 am

Screw all that stuff, I want to join the janitor$' Union $o I can $tart raking in $UPER BIG BUCK$!!!!

HogeyeGrex November 21, 2011 at 12:00 pm

I believe that would be mopping in the $UPER BIG BUCK$!!!!

Lascauxcaveman November 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Mopping, raking, doing windows, I'll do it all for my $100K+ per year! That's the $tarting $alary, yes?

HogeyeGrex November 21, 2011 at 12:29 pm

By all means.

Well, except for the "K" part.

GunToting[Redacted] November 21, 2011 at 10:48 am

Newt/Dickens 2012!

elviouslyqueer November 21, 2011 at 11:38 am

More specifically, Bejewelled Anus Face/Gradgrind 2012!

Buckminster November 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Please, Sir, can I have some more?

FlownOver November 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm

No. Fuck off.

finallyhappy November 21, 2011 at 4:37 pm

2012 is an important Dickens Anniversary(200? 150?)- check Phila Free Library(which has one of the most important Dickens collections in the world-suck on that, London)

hagajim November 21, 2011 at 10:48 am

Why should they Newt ? You don't have a fucking job. Useless dick!

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

Hey you repugnant fat fuck, how 'bout you get a fucking job for once. You've been on the dole your whole miserable life. Fucker.

spends2much November 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I hate this guy and his repulsive wife so much I can't find the words…

Fred_Wertham_Jr November 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

He needs a stovepipe hat and a twirlable mustache.

Schmannnity November 21, 2011 at 10:54 am

Snidely Whiplash libel!

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:31 am

He is certainly snide enough.

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

So now the conservatives actually admit they want to bring back child labor laws. Fuck it, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if a Republican candidate openly supported bringing back slavery.

Terry November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

They're doing that bit by bit, actually.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

What do you mean, "Now"?

starfanglednut November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am
CrunchyKnee November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

Bringing back???

chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

I think the suggestion to have prisoners fight fires pretty much covers that base.

LowProfileinGA November 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

And pick the crops in Georgia.

SoBeach November 21, 2011 at 11:03 am

"Fuck it, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if a Republican candidate openly supported bringing back slavery."

Done and done.
http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/10/11/34032

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:27 pm

It was only a matter of time. At the rate that they have been ratcheting up the crazy for the last three years, I fully expect Rick Perry to make a public statement saying that when you drop out of the womb, you better plan on hitting the ground running.

glamourdammerung November 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

They admitted it a few years back when they complaining about "job killing" regulations over trying to force companies to not use foreign slave labor.

CliveWarren November 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

Your career starts at conception!

Blueb4sunrise November 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

Perfect.

bureaucrap November 21, 2011 at 11:27 am

Perhaps there's a way to teach fetuses to weave oriental carpets in utero.

fletc3her November 21, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Socks maybe. It has to be small enough to get through the hoo ha.

finallyhappy November 21, 2011 at 4:38 pm

You ever see how big the hoo ha opens when you have a baby- sweaters at least or small area rugs!

Geminisunmars November 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm

But labor is still a few months off.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Just so long as it's not organized.

memzilla November 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

"Repeal Child Labor Laws. For The Children."

I think we can add that to the "Pepper Spray Is Just A Vegetable" Rethuglican sloganeering.

The Rethuglicans aren't content to reverse and undo every social reform since just the New Deal…. they're reaching back to Dickensian England.

starfanglednut November 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

Hey, instead of giving children pizza as a vegetable, we could just pepper spray them, and then tell their lazy, poor (read: black), 11 year old asses to start cleaning the school toilets for $2 an hour. To reduce the deficit, for jesus.

memzilla November 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

Next up: Newt will make an impassioned case for a constitutional amendment for Droit du Seigneur.

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 11:44 am

And tax them at 30%, twice the rate of those hard working rich folk paying 15% to let their money work for them.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:28 pm

That coal is not going to dig itself!

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Pepper spray goes great on pasta! It makes a great enchilada topping too.

LabRodent November 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

Just dont apply to be a world-class Ass-clown because that position has been filled.

CarnyTrash November 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?

real_dc_native November 21, 2011 at 11:21 am

Alas (in 2011) there are.

Gingrich/Scrooge 2012

Pragmatist2 November 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

And as for unemployed Black males – have you considered slavery? Those anti-slavery laws are probably also "truly stupid" when you look at the broader context – as Newt always does.

chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

Or they could be pimps for the little Jon Bennet's of the world.

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 11:42 am

Oh, "broader context" is code for "screw over the individual's rights"?

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm

This is why Newt is the candidate who is a deep thinker with big ideas. XIII Amendment is so 19the Century.

Schmannnity November 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

Hey junior, get your lazy fourth grade ass down to the coal mine or the dock.

dennis1943 November 21, 2011 at 12:41 pm

My grandfather started working in the coal mines at 12…………..are those the "good old days" they long for…?

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:30 pm

And he was dead by 35 with Black Lung Disease?

dennis1943 November 21, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Actually no………..he retired as a plant manager and lived to be 84…….but only because he left the mines at 20………………

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

Eh what do you expect. It's Newt! This is a gravy boat who cheated on his cancer-ridden wife with a mannequin .

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

Good gawd, those eyes…

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:08 am

She makes Laura Bush look almost human by comparison.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

Nothing remotely life-like would ever agree to have sex with Newt.
I feel nauseated just typing those two words so close together.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

Absolutely not true! And you should be ashamed of yourself for slandering Newt that way.

He cheated on his second wife with the mannequin. He cheated on the first, cancer-stricken wife with other people.

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 11:53 am

My mistake. Thank you sir!

Generation[redacted] November 21, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Gratuitous World November 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

with historically low taxes, I would think the legions of "Job Creators" stand ready to provide for all willing to work.

but really, they're just standing ready to attend the next Eyes Wide Shut coke-fueled mask orgy.

Swampgas_Man November 21, 2011 at 4:13 pm

But they're not quiiiiiite low enough!

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

My son won't even pick up his socks or underwear for money, how can I expect him to work as a productive school janitor's aide?

Millennial Malaise November 21, 2011 at 11:25 am

Needs moar deprivation. Take away that fancy color TV and refrigerator and he'll be begging to take the trashcan to the corner for pickup.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:42 am

Maybe they'll also let him drill a peephole into the girls' locker room?

Geminisunmars November 21, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Cattle prods are a reliable motivator.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Yeah, but have you offered .99 an hour?

Swampgas_Man November 21, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Flogging; up to now restricted to consenting adults.

MrFizzy November 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

There are jobs making plastic moulds for future Gingrich wives.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 21, 2011 at 10:53 am

6 year olds have tiny fingers. With a little motivation – and no wasteful milk and cookie breaks – they can totally outperform Foxconn at churning out those iPad circuit boards.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

Tiny fingers are a desirable trait for prostate exams, also.

Mumbletypeg November 21, 2011 at 11:30 am

"tiny fingers are a desirable trait for prostate exams.."

OK, off to give my brain a Silkworm shower now~

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:43 am

That's why Jerry Sandusky has never had undiagnosed prostate cancer.

weejee November 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

Given his personal experience will Newtie also push to lower the statutory rape age and give the kids lessons on how to hit on your teachers?

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

Indeed, he overlooks the repeal of child sex laws. If they can't clean up their school, let them hustle.

weejee November 21, 2011 at 11:16 am

Pushing that could earn Neuter an honorary degree from Penn State.

dennis1943 November 21, 2011 at 4:58 pm

He could label the initiative "buggery laws"………

OccupytheDashboard November 21, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Hey…didn't newtie marry his math teacher?

LiveToServeYa November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

Huh. A likely story. I'll believe it when I see 'Janitor Apprentice' on the Teevee.

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

'Gruel Wars'

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:04 am

Start the school year with all the chirruns as apprentices, fire one every week, one lucky graduate gets the jerb? I'd pay to watch that!

Geminisunmars November 21, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Sandusky? Is that you?

Steverino247 November 21, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I hear that's a new Christmas special from Disney.

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

Simon Legree called, he wants his assholishness back.

RedneckMuslin November 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

Hey! The school may be failing but the drugs aren't any cheaper. If they had jobs it will help support those drug entrepeneurs. Job creators.

Baconzgood November 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

Their little fingers are perfect for polishing the inside of shells.

CrunchyKnee November 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

You spent 9 months lounging on your lazy asses inside yer mom, get to work slackers.

Dok-cupy Everything November 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

Why should this be limited to janitors? We could have children teaching the classes, too, instead of those pricey union teachers. With a little pre-class boning up on Conservapedia, they'll have all the information they need about Jesus and dinosaurs.

And why limit it to schools? Congress might actually be more cooperative and productive if it was full of actual children…

real_dc_native November 21, 2011 at 11:27 am

It already seems to be full of children – that's not working out.

Dok-cupy Everything November 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

So you're saying that the better solution would be adult supervision?

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

Market purists are drawn inexorably to this type of solution. Markets have no morality, just supply and demand. Eventually, Newt and Ron Paul and the other "Austrian school" eggheads will make the case for slavery. No wages, but cradle to grave life-support.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:10 am

Its a matter of freedom and liberty, sir! Why should the State prohibit me from selling myself into slavery? Its my freedom of contract, I should be able to be a slave, dammit, without government interference.

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:11 am

But with the Free Market in place, everything will work better, because magic.

chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

I, for one, agree with Newt whole heartedly. Schools need more children janitors. In the 10 -12 yr old range, and especially, I think we can all agree, cleaning the locker rooms.

~ Jerry Sandusky

CrunchyKnee November 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

I'm sure that PedoBear approves as well.

mereoblivion November 21, 2011 at 11:17 am

'zat the kinda job Newt's babbling about?

ifthethunderdontgetya November 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

How long will this latest Not-Romney be king of the clown car?

I predict less than a month.

P.S. Note to self: Never talk to clowns who live in the sewer.
~

weejee November 21, 2011 at 11:19 am
bebecca2298 November 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Surely he scares even the republicants.

ManchuCandidate November 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Newtons
Don't let 'em be losers or take bribes from Tiffany's.
Let 'em be Pimps and drug dealers and such.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Newtons.
'Cos they'll never honest and they're always leave you.
When you got cancer for sure.

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

And a haircut!! And take that silly javelin out of your eyebrow, and lose the Mursi ear-lobe stretchers!

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

I've been considering a plate in my lip, actually.

SoBeach November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

I guess you can't yank middle and lower class programs to fund tax breaks for the wealthy without giving people a way to make up for it.

Republican candidates can tell voters "Yes, we're dismantling your Social Security and Medicare, but we're giving your ten year old grandson a fabulous opportunity to contribute to your family and learn the importance of hard work. Oh, and he'll get to pay income tax on the $6k a year he makes cleaning toilets. He needs some skin in the game, doncha know."

I smell a republican landslide in 2012.

Steverino247 November 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

And after ten years, we'll give him a brush…

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

What you're smelling is a mixture of industrial disinfectant (which comes out of the kid's paycheck by the gallon) and half-dissolved shower-drain hairballs.

HateMachine November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

So the solution to massive unemployment is to add another 15 million people to the labor pool? Awesome.

Next time you go on strike, dad, think twice. Your elementary school kids will be the scabs showing up to take your place.

starfanglednut November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

Silly, kids don't need to learn how to hit their teachers. Soon they'll be able to bring loaded weapons to school.

Bill_Mars November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

The Koch Brothers get a chub every time someone mentions reducing union jobs.

chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 11:10 am

Hard to tell, thankfully though, with Newt's fat head in the way.

coolhandnuke November 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

Newt just lost the coveted Groundskeeper Willie voters. But on the flip side, he gained tens of millions of 12-15 year-old voters.

starfanglednut November 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

It's all those kids' fault, for not being embryos anymore.

Dok-cupy Everything November 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

The golf links lie so near the mill
That almost every day
The laboring children can look out
And see the men at play.

– Sarah Norcliffe Cleghorn, 1916

DaRooster November 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

Learn a trade… mop up Beanie-Weenie chum… for free… hooray… PRIDE!!

Mahousu November 21, 2011 at 11:04 am

After they've put in some time cleaning toilets, the 11-year-olds should be all set to join Gingrich's campaign staff. Clever.

subsum November 21, 2011 at 11:05 am

He needs to make sure the proper legal framework is in place to bring Tom DeLay's sweatshops from Saipan to the mainland: there are more kids here than in that Jeebus-forsaken island hellhole.

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 11:05 am

Well, clearly, there's a job for a not-too-smart adolescent at Tiffanie's accounting department…

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

There is a happy land where only children live. And they don't have time to learn the ways of you sir, Mr. Newtie. Go away sir, Mr. Newtie.

nounverb911 November 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

Isn't it time Newt got cancer so Calista can dump him for a younger man?

subsum November 21, 2011 at 11:28 am

God bless us, every one!

fletc3her November 21, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I think the cancer/human ratio actually went near totality a few years back.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:07 am

Arbeit Macht Frei, is I think what Newt is trying to say.

Baconzgood November 21, 2011 at 11:07 am

NEEDS MOAR JURGIS RUDKUS!!!!

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 11:08 am

Anyway, we doubled the number of jobs in the eighties and nineties (women flooding the job market), reduced the actual value of those jobs by sixty percent to keep costs the same, are now facing 15% overemployment, and we need to add 20% more jobs, just to keep up with the Kochserf program…?

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

Ow, my head.

bureaucrap November 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

Under the (appropriately-named) Kochserf program, we don't need jobs, we just need starvation and desperation to reduce the prevailing wage to $1/day. Once our entire population (save 1%) is re-enslaved, the boom will take care of itself.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Kochserf program? Wasn't that the name of Jerry Sandusky's youth charity?

Nothingisamiss November 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm

The Koch brothers thank you for providing them with a name for their program that they can be proud of.

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 11:09 am

I love the way this asshole stresses "poor" kids having to work their way through middle school, while Muffy and Biff will play video games all day and eat healthy lunches. But yeah, "class warfare"

Generation[redacted] November 21, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Get out of here you bum kids! Come back when you get some rich parents!

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:10 am

So jerbs will magically appear, just because there's a new crop of sub-minimum wage laborers? Makes sense to me. Like that one time I was relieved of duty because of impending decrepitude and sent to the University of P.O. Box 5000 to learn a new trade(s), garnering not one but two(!) diplomas, suitable for framing, and have been waiting for the phone to ring for the last 3 years, that sort of thing? Yeah, that'll work!

Nothingisamiss November 21, 2011 at 2:34 pm

You mean you just don't have a job because someone won't hire you?! In this republican world that does not happen, my friend. Obviously we need to give some tax breaks to the coporations to remedy this.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 4:47 pm

No, I don't have a job because it was better for my self of steam to give up and file for my pension than to keep pretending I was employable. Refusal, then surrender or something.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 21, 2011 at 11:10 am

Newt is just brain storming. When he's president I'm sure he'll have some really good ideas like 5 year old coal miners (they can get into those tiny holes) and a privately owned zombie drone Muslim assassination air force for Jesus and other cool stuff.

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 11:12 am

I doubt households like the Gingrich's would send their bloated walking fetuses to sweat shops. The GOP's dream America is a religion-ruled dystopia where everyone is poor without healthcare and working at AppleBees and Lowes.

Fuck Newt with a broken bottle of the finest Chardonnay.

Swampgas_Man November 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

". . . where everyone ELSE is poor without healthcare. . . "

Fixed yer typo. And I sez Thunderbird is good enough for the fat bastard.

Schmannnity November 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

Let's face it, USDA food inspections, minimum wage, child labor, and all that other commie Teddy Roosevelt social engineering has finally caught up with the country after 90 years.

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 12:31 pm

We need to dig up ole' Teddy Roosevelt, just like the sick people with cancer killers want to dig up Reagan. TR would whoop all their asses in a maggoty meat minute. Maggots in yer meat anyone? Is this the next Koch brothers talking point?

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Pizza = Vegetable
Maggotts = Protein

north_of_moscow November 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

We're going to have to lower the drinking age to 11, just so those poor, miserable, tween wretches can make it through the week.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:22 am

Old enough to work, old enough to drink. Hell, let 'em vote, too. And while we're at it, let's reinstate the draft, but we'll be sneaky about it and call it conscription, and we'll conscript the parents and own the chirruns by default. Genius!

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

Its only fair.

Swampgas_Man November 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Hell, there ain't no age-restrictions on meth!

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

Sometimes I wonder if today's GOP actually wants to see the country in open revolt, and the Occupy Wall Street movement becoming the Execute Wall Street movement, because that is what would happen if their policies were actually put in place.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Sadly enough, I don't believe they consider their ideas that out of whack. We are talking about a group of people that think that if you are against giving the top 1% more tax breaks, you are in favor of class warfare.

anniegetyerfun November 21, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Don't think for a second that they aren't looking for an opportunity to kill a few poors once things get out of hand.

Goonemeritus November 21, 2011 at 11:17 am

I am not against kids working I myself had any number of jobs from the time I was fourteen. I delivered papers, picked apples, washed dishes ECT. None of this was against the law in NY when I was growing up. What has happened in the intervening 30 years is employers see no reason to hirer kids because they can hirer grownups now for kid wages.

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 11:31 am

"employers see no reason to hire kids because they can hire grownups now for kid wages."
Sadly, yes.
I worked a lot when I was young also. I helped my dad do house painting and construction. He did a few things "under the table." If he'd followed child labor laws to the letter I probably would not have been out there with him.
Restrictions against child labor should not be absolute, in my opinion. Family farms and other kinds of family businesses often involve the kiddos. As long as the parents or other employers use good judgment and good ethics, I fail to see the harm.

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Same for drug laws, right? A little flexibility to allow people to get reasonably high. Actually, most laws could be done away with if everyone just agreed to be reasonable. So could government, in fact.

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I know, it sounds like some pie-in-the-sky libertarianism – the kind that attracts both Paultards and hippie anarchists. If we were all caring and reasonable people, there would be no need for these regulations, and that includes restrictions on unfettered capitalism.
Unfortunately, it only takes one uncaring and unreasonable moron (or corporation; as a "person," a corporation is capable of being a "moron") to ruin it all for everybody else.
Quoth Yogi Berra: "In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."

Monsieur_Grumpe November 21, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I delivered papers in San Mateo. There should have been a law about the maximum size of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle with those steep hills and stupid little biting dogs.

Goonemeritus November 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I got bit by a three legged German shepherd once, I can’t remember if he was surprisingly fast or I was just to slow. As to child labor laws not being absolute they weren’t then and aren’t now kids can get paid work as young as 12 in NY with working papers. The system is fine it involves the school to make sure the kids are keeping up with classes and it greatly limits hours and the type of work to keep kids safe. Newt is offering a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.

finallyhappy November 21, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Newt says9 years old- and he is not interested in any oversight

mavenmaven November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

And think of the savings on music classes, they can learn to sing while picking cotton, just like in the good old days!

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:28 am

They were happy, out there in the fields, carefree. Just listen to them singing!

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am
chicken_thief November 21, 2011 at 1:00 pm

A whole new generation of Robert Johnson, Willie Dixon, and Mississippi John Hurt – sweet!!!

BarackMyWorld November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

Only Newt could listen to one of Bachmann's brain farts and think she was on to something.

VaWyo November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

"The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”

Yes, janitor is the gateway job to hotel maid and dishwasher in a restaurant. What a meteoric rise.

Newt must not now any children. Being a janitor in their own school would fill them with humiliation, not pride.

Naked_Bunny November 21, 2011 at 11:40 am

And why do have that wasted "recess" time? The kids could be doing something productive, like making license plates. Kids don't need to run around outside. Why, Newt never did, and he turned out great!

Mojopo November 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I was thinking the same thing. There are children who will not eat the free breakfast and lunch they are qualified for at school because other children bully them for being poor.

In all seriousness, this whole thing makes me cold and angry inside.

chascates November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

Wow, I bet master janitors are really in demand!

Puffperney November 21, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Jobs to be had on the pier too. Fishing equipment and boat rental clean up; one could become a master baiter there too.

proudgrampa November 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I see what you did there.

EatsBabyDingos November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

Move the poors to Iraq and let them eat (yellow) cake.

Poindexter718 November 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

Newt of the (9-year-old suspended over a) loom.

actor212 November 21, 2011 at 11:20 am

Give Newtie a break! He meant they should all get the SAME job!

Probably transcribing his divorce decrees…

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 11:21 am

Stupid fat fuck is so fucking fat he can't even button his fucking jacket over his fat fucking belly. Holy shit I hate this fat fucking fucker.

Puffperney November 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Well said sir!

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

These days, even college grads are lucky if they can find a job doing manual labor. Have you ever found yourself in what I call the employment "experience catch-22?" The only way to get experience in a job is to do it, but no one will hire you because you don't have the job experience.
Thanks to our government and the One Percenters for which it stands, these kids are growing up in the Era of Reduced Expectations. I hate to say it, but maybe Newt's on to something here. These kids can add "assistant school janitor" to their resumes, which will give them a leg up on their less-experienced competition.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:39 am

This could backfire, though. Could be considered over-qualified for that next paper hat job on their career path.

HedonismBot November 21, 2011 at 11:51 am

Don't I know it. I think that B.A. on my resume has probably cost me at least a few of the paper hat jobs I've applied for these past few years. Talk about a blow to the ego.
I've made up my mind to return to my first career in small-town, dead-tree journalism. The pay is low, but at least I have a proven employment record in that field.

Mumbletypeg November 21, 2011 at 11:58 am

"…the One Percenters for which it stands"

Haha, nicely put. And your Catch22 scenario could beget another unresolved cycle, as employers continue to move the goal posts: no sooner do would-be workers think they've gotten up-to-speed on latest technology and applied "commensurate experience," than the rules are rewritten yet again.. I picture the janitorial-sciences credentials perused on this poor slob's resumé by a potential hiring entity — then watch said entity have second and third thoughts. No sooner has the unemployable slob just decided it's o.k. "to become a member of a club that'll have him," than the club itself finagles out of its obligation by declining "to take anyone who would become a member," — in order to refine their standards, I guess.

It could be a scenario worthy of Heller-style fiction, if only this prolonged stand-off between job creators and takers weren't our pinched, nerve-frayed reality.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:41 pm

What about the companies that advertise that the "Unemployed need not apply."? How are these kids going to get jobs?

HedonismBot November 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

Beats me. Go for a ride with Herman Cain?

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

Newt is the idiot's intellectual. He once taught a class in "history" as an adjunct at a community college, and has claimed to be a "history professor" ever since. He is just smart enough to have about one IQ point over the average teabagger. One of the strange things about intelligence is that once someone is one IQ point smarter than an idiot, from the idiot's perspective, that inch might as well be a mile. Idiots think Newt is the republican Stephen Hawking not because Newt is smart, but because they are idiots.

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

Newt is very good in talking in a condescending, smug manner that indicates that he thinks he's smarter than the people he's talking too, in the same way that many Libertarians do. The drooling idiots of the the Republican base assumes that means he actually is smart; but no, Newt and every subscriber to Ayn Rand's cult are living proof that it's very possible to be a complete moron who knows nothing about the real world and still think you're smart.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

Jesus, I'd pay money to hear Sarah Vowell school this ignoranus.

anniegetyerfun November 21, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Then again, it's only acceptable to be within 1 or 2 IQ points of your avegare Teatard. People whose IQs measure in the triple digits are egghead socialist Muslim threats to democracy.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

And how about debtors' prisons? It's high time we brought those back, too!

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 11:44 am

Pretty sure we already have those…

HogeyeGrex November 21, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Didn't we cover that with the Bankruptcy Bill?

Eve8Apples November 21, 2011 at 11:27 am

Children should be elected to Congress. They couldn't do any worse than the current group of assclowns.

aguacatero November 21, 2011 at 11:29 am

I don't know about Master Janitors controlling staffs of child-moppers …

But I do know that only in Director's cut-version of Idiocracy that is the Republican Party could Newt be considered a Master Debater.

donner_froh November 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

Karl Marx in Vol. I of "Capital":

"All the capitalist cares for, is to reduce the labourer's individual consumption as far as possible to what is strictly necessary."

Not that he has anything to say these days of course.

Dr_Zoidberg November 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

Listen, you fucking fat slob – there aren't any fucking jobs. Not everyone can be a corrupt lobbyist with multiple marriages and an open credit line at Tiffany's.

BarackMyWorld November 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

"These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising."

Or, instead of repealing a societal safeguard designed to keep kids from dropping out, you could make community service a graduation requirement and have the kids clean the schools…Oh, wait in Newt's mind the only thing anyone cares about is money.

"I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school."

How would this work, exactly? A school of 200 kids cleaning a school at the same time? Depending on the ages, that'd require more than one "master janitor" to supervise. Or a rotating staff of kids who each clean once per week, thus by Newt logic, not giving a fuck the other 4 days a week and earning little money for their one day's work?

"…You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing."

A sane person would say "let's fix the schools." Newt uses it to justify changing child labor laws.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 11:54 am

How would this work, exactly?
Each student takes one period of Janitoring 101. The now non-union Master Janitor will be the busiest adjunct professor ever!

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Or else they could be taught how to fish by a Master Baiter.

Mojopo November 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm

One more question. When little Sally is sent to school with stomach flu, because her Mom has to work and chose rent over her kid, are they going to yank the poor kid out of class to fetch the sawdust and a mop?

Generation[redacted] November 21, 2011 at 12:45 pm

"not giving a fuck the other 4 days a week"

Are you kidding? Of course they'll care.

"Today is that asshole Billy's turn. Last week when it was my turn, he urinal-duced me, so now I'm going toilet-nuclear on his ass."

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Such distasteful work, dignifying that with a response. Thank you for your service.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Solve the Constitutional problem with the Department of Education. If there are no children being educated, we can do away with the money pit that is, the Department of Education.
But then we would have unemployment issues again with millions of school janitors now put out of a job.

FritzBrogan November 21, 2011 at 3:57 pm

At my middle school and high school all students did a rotating shift cleaning the cafeteria after lunch. It was a tiny amount of work, not nearly enough to replace a janitors job, but was an excercise in involvement.

My thinking is that Newt heard about a program like this once, then twisted it in his mind into a really wretched idea. It was ok to begin with, but it didn't enforce class divisions enough, didn't instruct children in economic servitude, and didn't involve any agression towards unions at all. Once these basic problems were fixed, Newt had made the plan his own.

Allmighty_Manos November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

How do we expect to compete with China if our 8-years olds are sitting on their asses in a classroom when they could be assembling iPods for 30 cents an hour? What has happened to the American dream of forced sweatshop labor and child exploitation?

DahBoner November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

We need to start these kids off right—scrubbing the floors of Gold Man Sacks.

There, teh selection process of screening out the more attractive kids to be child prostitutes will begin…

johnnyzhivago November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

Nothing gets MY personal pride pumping more than mopping the fucking floors.

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

Do other countries have to suffer returds like this? Other than Somalia?

Naked_Bunny November 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

those unionized janitors can begin the “process of getting an unemployment check,”

Ha ha! As if. Those lazy bums should get a job. If children can work, the adults have no excuse!

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

This guy is considered "intelligent" and a "historian"? Srsly?

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I actually heard a Tea Bagger say that they were looking forward to the first Obama/Gingrich Presidential Debate so America could see a true educated person in action.

BarackMyWorld November 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The problem is after receiving his Ph. D., he promptly quit giving a shit about intellectual (or any other kind of) integrity.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:40 am

Back in the 1990s, Newty was all pushing this cockamamie idea of fixing the urban yoot problem with BoysTown, during speaches he would actually talk about seeing the old movie with Pat Obrien, yupper, he just thought we needed to turn all the urban yoots over to the Catholic Church and a bunch of tough, but tender, Irish priests.

I was pissed that noone ever pointed out the most famous alumnus of BoysTown: Charles Manson.

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:48 am

Let's turn care of America's troubled young boys over to the Catholic priests, Protestant youth pastors, football coaches and Boy Scouts directors; the young girls can be in the care of Roman Polanski.

marinmaven November 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

In the 1990s, Newt suggested that we take children away from poor parents and put them in orphanages like the ones he saw in Oliver! When he was told it would cost over 30k a year per kid to put them up in orphanages — he backtracked in a hurry. This is just Newt 2.0.
Unfortunately, we no longer have the Newt Gingrich cat toy filled with catnip and stuffing, the cat chewed his cotton entrails out.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:44 am

This is what I was talking about. What a stupid turd this man is.

Naked_Bunny November 21, 2011 at 11:55 am

Maybe they'll get adopted by bald billionaires.

Naked_Bunny November 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

Why, I used to make upwards of $50 a month delivering newspapers! It gave me money and a lifetime's worth of experience. Also, heat stroke and frost bite.

proudgrampa November 21, 2011 at 11:44 am

Lots of luck with that, Newtie.

He and his ilk have absolutely NO clue. "Just get a job." Fuck. There must be jobs available to get a job, you asshole.

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 11:45 am

A Newt is a lizard, for fuck's sake, yessiree…

el_donaldo November 21, 2011 at 11:46 am

He then suggested shipping the extra children off to Africa to work in the diamond trade: "They don't call them blood diamonds for nothing! Now put some hustle into it."

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

Yeah, well, you know who was opposed to child labour?

KARL MARX, that's who.

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:59 am

These days, our corporate overlords and Free Market-supporting right-wing politicians seem to be doing everything they can to rehabilitate old Karl's image and bring his philosophy back in to vogue.

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Indeed. I had thought for a while, after the collapse of the Other Model, that we were through trying to plow through Das Kapital but no! The free marketeers are much worse.

x111e7thst November 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

Poor kids need to pull themselves up by their own jockstraps, just like Newt does.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

Are the Republicans in Congress going to declare gruel a vegetable?

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 11:55 am

Or possibly a "whole grain"..

prommie November 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

You know whats truly stupid is the incredible amount of meat that is wasted, every day, in this country. We spend thousands to bury or cremate all these dead bodies, when we could process them into nutrtitious, healthful Soylent Green. And we need nuclear-powered zeppelins, too.

proudgrampa November 21, 2011 at 12:22 pm

What refreshing ideas!

prommie November 21, 2011 at 12:46 pm

The atomic zeppelins will make these socialist "Public" streets and highways obsolete.

Steverino247 November 21, 2011 at 1:06 pm

No lead shielding in those zeppelins, either. Spread the wealth, so to speak.

GOPCrusher November 21, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Lead Zeppelin? That would make a great band name!

Steverino247 November 21, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I'm glad SOMEBODY picked up that line…

Nesnora November 21, 2011 at 11:54 am

If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

GorzoTheMighty November 21, 2011 at 2:37 pm

After all, they don't need no education!

Mojopo November 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

For some weird reason, the idea of popping his head like a pimple doesn't offend my anti-death penalty values. I guess I'm just a hypocrite, but at least I'm not some bloated, rich, pampered fuckface asshole with three wives.

greypanter November 21, 2011 at 12:00 pm

The only difference in style between a Newt and a Prick Perry presidency would be that Perry can't verbalized his stupid ideas. I hope for his sake Newt didn't spend more than 3 minutes thinking through this "radical idea" before starting to talk about it.

Troglodeity November 21, 2011 at 12:05 pm

9 (year old) – 9 (year old) – 9 (year old janitors)!

mercianomad November 21, 2011 at 12:22 pm

"You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”

__________________________________

Pretty sure the culture you promote is failing both the students and the teacher, there, Newt.

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 12:26 pm

That bloviating hunk of lard Gingrich can go straight to hell along with Paul, who wants sick people with cancer & no health insurance to drop dead. I can't even snark on this one.

Barrelhse November 21, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Frig Newton.

joshleefolsom November 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm

The schools should teach poor kids how to persuade rich guys to give them thousands of dollars to write books that they never finish. They'd have cash and pride like Newt.

GregComlish November 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Why must the government prohibit "Child vs Midget" cage fighting? Won't somebody think of those poor jobs that are being killed by overzealous government regulation of the gladiatorial combat system??

greypanter November 21, 2011 at 12:31 pm

When I was 14 I worked as a golf caddy at a country club. That was 1962. However, the current crop of wealthy adults has decided that riding a cart made in Korea is a better option than hiring a local hard-working human being.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?!!!

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I know my head just expoded

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Pizza = Vegetable
Meat Maggots circa 1895 = Protein
Chinese Dry Wall for Brunch = Carbohydrates
Hobo Beans = Magical Fruit

NellCote71 November 21, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Newt practices what he preaches. He put his child bride to work, after all.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Wait, I think this guy is that fat fucking shit-elf I saw turning kids away from Santa at the mall. "Go earn a couple of bucks to give your parents if you want a Happy Ending, rugrats, because the Toy Creators are tired of your lazy begging!"

spends2much November 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

"Hey kids, are your parents lazy and poor? Put down those schoolbooks and grab a broom!"

Newt is a genius, really. This will also solve the illegal immigration issue in 2 ways: 1) A large group of desperate, needy workers who are real Murricans, so no need to hire those pesky Mexicans; 2) Who in the fuck would want to immigrate to the US anymore?

James Michael Curley November 21, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Newt's just jealous of Jerry Sandusky

proudgrampa November 21, 2011 at 12:57 pm

The young ones can also get work at the hotels:

Ain't you the guy who used to set the paces
Riding up in front of a hundred faces,
I don't suppose you would remember me,
But I used to follow you back in '63.

I've got a good job
And I'm newly born.
You should see me dressed up in my uniform.
I work in hotel, all gilt and flash.
Remember the gaff where the doors we smashed?

Bell Boy! I got to get running now.
Bell Boy! Keep my lip buttoned down.
Bell Boy! Carry this baggage out.
Bell Boy! Always running at someone's bleedin' heel.

–Quadrophenia, The Who

a_pink_poodle November 21, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Why aren't our children slathering grease on / being maimed by our heavy industrial machines for $1 a day?

Serfville November 21, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Oh the humanity!

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Because of the soft bigotry of higher expectations.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

A deranged "Master Janitor", leading a pack of ragamuffins in a decrepit and disgusting inner city school. I believe Kubrick had this in development at the time of his death, but was tweaking the misanthropy of the script.

Zombie_Reagan November 21, 2011 at 1:15 pm

What's endlessly fascinating to me is that Republicans actually believe that there are hundreds of millions of well-paying job openings just waiting to be filled, but for the laziness of the poors.

crybabyboehner November 21, 2011 at 1:36 pm

A modest proposal, indeed.

Nothingisamiss November 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

IFUCKINGHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE THIS FUCKING FUCKHEAD and the other evil fuckheads who sincerely, deep down in their shriveled semi hearts believe this fucking shit.

Fucking evil fucking fuckheads of hatred who want to turn this country into a sinking shit pool.

Fuck them all, I say.

PuckStopsHere November 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm

What they ought to do is fire all those unionized teachers, replace them with one master teacher, and hire the kids to do the teaching. Of course, they won't have to pay them minimun wage because they are kids for christ's sake, so you can add another win to the "win-win".

grandinquisitor November 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I like this idea. If the kids take the janitorial jobs we can have the janitors out looking for Newt so they can beat his ass. A victory for all Americans.

smitallica November 21, 2011 at 3:13 pm

What would probably help those failing inner-city schools is not to repeal the child labor laws but to actually put some money into those inner-city schools so they can have good teachers and textbooks and things.

You fucking idiot.

Franknflower November 21, 2011 at 3:21 pm

He is full of good ideas. I can see why he is the Republican Idea Man.

anniegetyerfun November 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I, personally, can't think of anything better than a public school that has been brought up to the cleanliness standards espoused by an adolescent.

ndisang67 November 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

do we now call them schools or workhouses?

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Next newt will suggest that old people who can't afford nursing homes should be hired on as janitors in nursing homes. Makes just as much sense.

ttommyunger November 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Gotta love that Newt! One of Santa's best presents to Barry and the Left….along with Mr. Personality: the Mittster. In fact all of them; the whole misshapen lot of them, they make the Bowery Boys look smart and effective.

owhatever November 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Next up, Newt calls for kids to build debtors' prisons so their whole families can have places to live.

MrFizzy November 21, 2011 at 10:53 am

Oh, please. That pretty much takes away every source of pleasure for Newt.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 11:31 am

Also: Eat shit and die.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

Oh, yeah. Another one. The next time you marry this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6-IIXAF5HOE/TGtLRkEDFZI

Don't transform her into this: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cCYw2H3DVUI/TfPA7ooSG-I

Because I've got to tell you people find that just spooky.

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 11:42 am

Too late! (I'm willing to bet, anyway. Camels like Newt don't change their humps.)

SorosBot November 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

Botox is a hell of a drug.

GunToting[Redacted] November 21, 2011 at 12:39 pm

THAT'S what his current harpy eagle looked like originally? Jesus FUCK, what happened?

Geminisunmars November 21, 2011 at 12:52 pm

You are shittin' us, right? That could not be the same, um, person.

Nothingisamiss November 21, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Oh, good Lord. I had no idea that she used to be normal.

finallyhappy November 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm

That first photo wasn't his granddaughter? And the last one wasn't something from the House of Wax starring Vincent Price?

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I am absolutely, 100% not shitting you. The first picture is Ms. Third-Gingrich when she was a young campaign chippie just starting to nibble her way up the Republican food chain. I think what happened was that she got one of those picture-of-Dorian-Gray deals, but mistakenly hung the picture in her attic backwards, so the process of life etching her degradation on her face has been accelerated, rather than halted. The picture looks terrific though.

Swampgas_Man November 21, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Riiiight. So instead of JUST competing w/ grown-ups, I'll have to compete w/ nimble, hopped-up-on-sugar KIDS as well? When we talk about "making America more competitive", Newt, we don't mean competing against ourselves.

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