fat armchair surfing fools

Newt Gingrich To America’s 15.7 Million Poor Kids: Get a Job


Sure, everyone knows that the problem with poor adults is that they refuse to just JUST GET A JOB ALREADY, GOD, but did you know that drooling millionaire tool Newt Gingrich has expertly deduced that this is also the problem with America’s swelling ranks (one in five these days, by the latest report) of hobo kiddies? Why are there are so many able-bodied 11-year-olds always trying to attend school for free, on the government dime? Maybe they need to try working for once in their lives, as school janitors, say?

Oh right, those pesky socialist “child labor laws” prevent them from obtaining gainful employment most of the time.

From the transcript, via CNN:

“It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”

“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”

Meanwhile, those unionized janitors can begin the “process of getting an unemployment check,” so that America might return to the more successful “Dickensian work-study orphanage model.”

And because Newt is an irredeemable jerk who will say anything he thinks will make him popular with the legions of disgruntled teabagger assholes who resent poor children for existing, he was also against child labor in 1996. [CNN]

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  • SexySmurf

    Can't those poor kids just get jobs lobbying for Freddie Mac? I heard you can make $1.6 million doing that.

    • chicken_thief

      Or possibly the official cashier at Tiffany's for the Gingrich family?

    • Chichikovovich

      What they should do is fire Newt and hire 16 kids at 100 large apiece.

      • bagofmice

        I bet they would know more HTML, JavaScript, and CSS than newt ever will. If newt wants to provide children jobs, he could start by having someone tell him he doesn't need to print out his email

    • MzNicky

      Historian, SexySmurf! He was a historian for FreddieMac for crissakes.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Screw all that stuff, I want to join the janitor$' Union $o I can $tart raking in $UPER BIG BUCK$!!!!

      • HogeyeGrex

        I believe that would be mopping in the $UPER BIG BUCK$!!!!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Mopping, raking, doing windows, I'll do it all for my $100K+ per year! That's the $tarting $alary, yes?

          • HogeyeGrex

            By all means.

            Well, except for the "K" part.

          • Swampgas_Man

            Riiiight. So instead of JUST competing w/ grown-ups, I'll have to compete w/ nimble, hopped-up-on-sugar KIDS as well? When we talk about "making America more competitive", Newt, we don't mean competing against ourselves.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Newt/Dickens 2012!

    • elviouslyqueer

      More specifically, Bejewelled Anus Face/Gradgrind 2012!

    • Buckminster

      Please, Sir, can I have some more?

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        No. Fuck off.

    • finallyhappy

      2012 is an important Dickens Anniversary(200? 150?)- check Phila Free Library(which has one of the most important Dickens collections in the world-suck on that, London)

  • hagajim

    Why should they Newt ? You don't have a fucking job. Useless dick!

  • freakishlywrong

    Hey you repugnant fat fuck, how 'bout you get a fucking job for once. You've been on the dole your whole miserable life. Fucker.

    • spends2much

      I hate this guy and his repulsive wife so much I can't find the words…

  • http://www.facebook.com/groups/227406670645311 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    He needs a stovepipe hat and a twirlable mustache.

    • Schmannnity

      Snidely Whiplash libel!

    • prommie

      He is certainly snide enough.

  • SorosBot

    So now the conservatives actually admit they want to bring back child labor laws. Fuck it, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if a Republican candidate openly supported bringing back slavery.

    • Terry

      They're doing that bit by bit, actually.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      What do you mean, "Now"?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut
    • CrunchyKnee

      Bringing back???

    • chicken_thief

      I think the suggestion to have prisoners fight fires pretty much covers that base.

      • LowProfileinGA

        And pick the crops in Georgia.

    • SoBeach

      "Fuck it, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if a Republican candidate openly supported bringing back slavery."

      Done and done.
      http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/10/11/34032

    • GOPCrusher

      It was only a matter of time. At the rate that they have been ratcheting up the crazy for the last three years, I fully expect Rick Perry to make a public statement saying that when you drop out of the womb, you better plan on hitting the ground running.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      They admitted it a few years back when they complaining about "job killing" regulations over trying to force companies to not use foreign slave labor.

  • CliveWarren

    Your career starts at conception!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Perfect.

    • bureaucrap

      Perhaps there's a way to teach fetuses to weave oriental carpets in utero.

      • fletc3her

        Socks maybe. It has to be small enough to get through the hoo ha.

        • finallyhappy

          You ever see how big the hoo ha opens when you have a baby- sweaters at least or small area rugs!

    • Geminisunmars

      But labor is still a few months off.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Just so long as it's not organized.

  • memzilla

    "Repeal Child Labor Laws. For The Children."

    I think we can add that to the "Pepper Spray Is Just A Vegetable" Rethuglican sloganeering.

    The Rethuglicans aren't content to reverse and undo every social reform since just the New Deal…. they're reaching back to Dickensian England.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Hey, instead of giving children pizza as a vegetable, we could just pepper spray them, and then tell their lazy, poor (read: black), 11 year old asses to start cleaning the school toilets for $2 an hour. To reduce the deficit, for jesus.

      • memzilla

        Next up: Newt will make an impassioned case for a constitutional amendment for Droit du Seigneur.

      • comrad_darkness

        And tax them at 30%, twice the rate of those hard working rich folk paying 15% to let their money work for them.

      • GOPCrusher

        That coal is not going to dig itself!

    • HedonismBot

      Pepper spray goes great on pasta! It makes a great enchilada topping too.

  • LabRodent

    Just dont apply to be a world-class Ass-clown because that position has been filled.

  • CarnyTrash

    Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?

    • real_dc_native

      Alas (in 2011) there are.

      Gingrich/Scrooge 2012

  • Pragmatist2

    And as for unemployed Black males – have you considered slavery? Those anti-slavery laws are probably also "truly stupid" when you look at the broader context – as Newt always does.

    • chicken_thief

      Or they could be pimps for the little Jon Bennet's of the world.

    • comrad_darkness

      Oh, "broader context" is code for "screw over the individual's rights"?

    • V572625694

      This is why Newt is the candidate who is a deep thinker with big ideas. XIII Amendment is so 19the Century.

  • Schmannnity

    Hey junior, get your lazy fourth grade ass down to the coal mine or the dock.

    • dennis1943

      My grandfather started working in the coal mines at 12…………..are those the "good old days" they long for…?

      • GOPCrusher

        And he was dead by 35 with Black Lung Disease?

        • dennis1943

          Actually no………..he retired as a plant manager and lived to be 84…….but only because he left the mines at 20………………

  • El Pinche

    Eh what do you expect. It's Newt! This is a gravy boat who cheated on his cancer-ridden wife with a mannequin .

    • Biff

      Good gawd, those eyes…

      • SorosBot

        She makes Laura Bush look almost human by comparison.

    • MzNicky

      Nothing remotely life-like would ever agree to have sex with Newt.
      I feel nauseated just typing those two words so close together.

    • Chichikovovich

      Absolutely not true! And you should be ashamed of yourself for slandering Newt that way.

      He cheated on his second wife with the mannequin. He cheated on the first, cancer-stricken wife with other people.

      • El Pinche

        My mistake. Thank you sir!

    • Generation[redacted]
  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    with historically low taxes, I would think the legions of "Job Creators" stand ready to provide for all willing to work.

    but really, they're just standing ready to attend the next Eyes Wide Shut coke-fueled mask orgy.

    • Swampgas_Man

      But they're not quiiiiiite low enough!

  • paris biltong

    My son won't even pick up his socks or underwear for money, how can I expect him to work as a productive school janitor's aide?

    • Millennial Malaise

      Needs moar deprivation. Take away that fancy color TV and refrigerator and he'll be begging to take the trashcan to the corner for pickup.

    • Chichikovovich

      Maybe they'll also let him drill a peephole into the girls' locker room?

    • Geminisunmars

      Cattle prods are a reliable motivator.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Yeah, but have you offered .99 an hour?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Flogging; up to now restricted to consenting adults.

  • MrFizzy

    There are jobs making plastic moulds for future Gingrich wives.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    6 year olds have tiny fingers. With a little motivation – and no wasteful milk and cookie breaks – they can totally outperform Foxconn at churning out those iPad circuit boards.

    • Biff

      Tiny fingers are a desirable trait for prostate exams, also.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        "tiny fingers are a desirable trait for prostate exams.."

        OK, off to give my brain a Silkworm shower now~

      • Chichikovovich

        That's why Jerry Sandusky has never had undiagnosed prostate cancer.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Given his personal experience will Newtie also push to lower the statutory rape age and give the kids lessons on how to hit on your teachers?

    • paris biltong

      Indeed, he overlooks the repeal of child sex laws. If they can't clean up their school, let them hustle.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Pushing that could earn Neuter an honorary degree from Penn State.

        • dennis1943

          He could label the initiative "buggery laws"………

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Hey…didn't newtie marry his math teacher?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Huh. A likely story. I'll believe it when I see 'Janitor Apprentice' on the Teevee.

    • El Pinche

      'Gruel Wars'

    • Biff

      Start the school year with all the chirruns as apprentices, fire one every week, one lucky graduate gets the jerb? I'd pay to watch that!

      • Geminisunmars

        Sandusky? Is that you?

    • Steverino247

      I hear that's a new Christmas special from Disney.

  • freakishlywrong

    Simon Legree called, he wants his assholishness back.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Hey! The school may be failing but the drugs aren't any cheaper. If they had jobs it will help support those drug entrepeneurs. Job creators.

  • Baconzgood

    Their little fingers are perfect for polishing the inside of shells.

  • CrunchyKnee

    You spent 9 months lounging on your lazy asses inside yer mom, get to work slackers.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Why should this be limited to janitors? We could have children teaching the classes, too, instead of those pricey union teachers. With a little pre-class boning up on Conservapedia, they'll have all the information they need about Jesus and dinosaurs.

    And why limit it to schools? Congress might actually be more cooperative and productive if it was full of actual children…

    • real_dc_native

      It already seems to be full of children – that's not working out.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        So you're saying that the better solution would be adult supervision?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Market purists are drawn inexorably to this type of solution. Markets have no morality, just supply and demand. Eventually, Newt and Ron Paul and the other "Austrian school" eggheads will make the case for slavery. No wages, but cradle to grave life-support.

    • prommie

      Its a matter of freedom and liberty, sir! Why should the State prohibit me from selling myself into slavery? Its my freedom of contract, I should be able to be a slave, dammit, without government interference.

    • SorosBot

      But with the Free Market in place, everything will work better, because magic.

  • chicken_thief

    I, for one, agree with Newt whole heartedly. Schools need more children janitors. In the 10 -12 yr old range, and especially, I think we can all agree, cleaning the locker rooms.

    ~ Jerry Sandusky

    • CrunchyKnee

      I'm sure that PedoBear approves as well.

    • mereoblivion

      'zat the kinda job Newt's babbling about?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    How long will this latest Not-Romney be king of the clown car?

    I predict less than a month.

    P.S. Note to self: Never talk to clowns who live in the sewer.
    ~

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
    • bebecca2298

      Surely he scares even the republicants.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Newtons
    Don't let 'em be losers or take bribes from Tiffany's.
    Let 'em be Pimps and drug dealers and such.
    Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Newtons.
    'Cos they'll never honest and they're always leave you.
    When you got cancer for sure.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And a haircut!! And take that silly javelin out of your eyebrow, and lose the Mursi ear-lobe stretchers!

    • prommie

      I've been considering a plate in my lip, actually.

  • SoBeach

    I guess you can't yank middle and lower class programs to fund tax breaks for the wealthy without giving people a way to make up for it.

    Republican candidates can tell voters "Yes, we're dismantling your Social Security and Medicare, but we're giving your ten year old grandson a fabulous opportunity to contribute to your family and learn the importance of hard work. Oh, and he'll get to pay income tax on the $6k a year he makes cleaning toilets. He needs some skin in the game, doncha know."

    I smell a republican landslide in 2012.

    • Steverino247

      And after ten years, we'll give him a brush…

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      What you're smelling is a mixture of industrial disinfectant (which comes out of the kid's paycheck by the gallon) and half-dissolved shower-drain hairballs.

  • HateMachine

    So the solution to massive unemployment is to add another 15 million people to the labor pool? Awesome.

    Next time you go on strike, dad, think twice. Your elementary school kids will be the scabs showing up to take your place.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Silly, kids don't need to learn how to hit their teachers. Soon they'll be able to bring loaded weapons to school.

  • Bill_Mars

    The Koch Brothers get a chub every time someone mentions reducing union jobs.

    • chicken_thief

      Hard to tell, thankfully though, with Newt's fat head in the way.

  • coolhandnuke

    Newt just lost the coveted Groundskeeper Willie voters. But on the flip side, he gained tens of millions of 12-15 year-old voters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    It's all those kids' fault, for not being embryos anymore.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    The golf links lie so near the mill
    That almost every day
    The laboring children can look out
    And see the men at play.

    — Sarah Norcliffe Cleghorn, 1916

  • DaRooster

    Learn a trade… mop up Beanie-Weenie chum… for free… hooray… PRIDE!!

  • Mahousu

    After they've put in some time cleaning toilets, the 11-year-olds should be all set to join Gingrich's campaign staff. Clever.

  • subsum

    He needs to make sure the proper legal framework is in place to bring Tom DeLay's sweatshops from Saipan to the mainland: there are more kids here than in that Jeebus-forsaken island hellhole.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, clearly, there's a job for a not-too-smart adolescent at Tiffanie's accounting department…

  • HedonismBot

    There is a happy land where only children live. And they don't have time to learn the ways of you sir, Mr. Newtie. Go away sir, Mr. Newtie.

  • nounverb911

    Isn't it time Newt got cancer so Calista can dump him for a younger man?

    • subsum

      God bless us, every one!

    • fletc3her

      I think the cancer/human ratio actually went near totality a few years back.

  • prommie

    Arbeit Macht Frei, is I think what Newt is trying to say.

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDS MOAR JURGIS RUDKUS!!!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Anyway, we doubled the number of jobs in the eighties and nineties (women flooding the job market), reduced the actual value of those jobs by sixty percent to keep costs the same, are now facing 15% overemployment, and we need to add 20% more jobs, just to keep up with the Kochserf program…?

    • Biff

      Ow, my head.

    • bureaucrap

      Under the (appropriately-named) Kochserf program, we don't need jobs, we just need starvation and desperation to reduce the prevailing wage to $1/day. Once our entire population (save 1%) is re-enslaved, the boom will take care of itself.

    • GOPCrusher

      Kochserf program? Wasn't that the name of Jerry Sandusky's youth charity?

    • Nothingisamiss

      The Koch brothers thank you for providing them with a name for their program that they can be proud of.

  • freakishlywrong

    I love the way this asshole stresses "poor" kids having to work their way through middle school, while Muffy and Biff will play video games all day and eat healthy lunches. But yeah, "class warfare"

    • Generation[redacted]

      Get out of here you bum kids! Come back when you get some rich parents!

  • Biff

    So jerbs will magically appear, just because there's a new crop of sub-minimum wage laborers? Makes sense to me. Like that one time I was relieved of duty because of impending decrepitude and sent to the University of P.O. Box 5000 to learn a new trade(s), garnering not one but two(!) diplomas, suitable for framing, and have been waiting for the phone to ring for the last 3 years, that sort of thing? Yeah, that'll work!

    • Nothingisamiss

      You mean you just don't have a job because someone won't hire you?! In this republican world that does not happen, my friend. Obviously we need to give some tax breaks to the coporations to remedy this.

      • Biff

        No, I don't have a job because it was better for my self of steam to give up and file for my pension than to keep pretending I was employable. Refusal, then surrender or something.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Newt is just brain storming. When he's president I'm sure he'll have some really good ideas like 5 year old coal miners (they can get into those tiny holes) and a privately owned zombie drone Muslim assassination air force for Jesus and other cool stuff.

  • El Pinche

    I doubt households like the Gingrich's would send their bloated walking fetuses to sweat shops. The GOP's dream America is a religion-ruled dystopia where everyone is poor without healthcare and working at AppleBees and Lowes.

    Fuck Newt with a broken bottle of the finest Chardonnay.

    • Swampgas_Man

      ". . . where everyone ELSE is poor without healthcare. . . "

      Fixed yer typo. And I sez Thunderbird is good enough for the fat bastard.

  • Schmannnity

    Let's face it, USDA food inspections, minimum wage, child labor, and all that other commie Teddy Roosevelt social engineering has finally caught up with the country after 90 years.

    • Serfville

      We need to dig up ole' Teddy Roosevelt, just like the sick people with cancer killers want to dig up Reagan. TR would whoop all their asses in a maggoty meat minute. Maggots in yer meat anyone? Is this the next Koch brothers talking point?

      • Serfville

        Pizza = Vegetable
        Maggotts = Protein

  • north_of_moscow

    We're going to have to lower the drinking age to 11, just so those poor, miserable, tween wretches can make it through the week.

    • Biff

      Old enough to work, old enough to drink. Hell, let 'em vote, too. And while we're at it, let's reinstate the draft, but we'll be sneaky about it and call it conscription, and we'll conscript the parents and own the chirruns by default. Genius!

    • prommie

      Its only fair.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Hell, there ain't no age-restrictions on meth!

  • SorosBot

    Sometimes I wonder if today's GOP actually wants to see the country in open revolt, and the Occupy Wall Street movement becoming the Execute Wall Street movement, because that is what would happen if their policies were actually put in place.

    • GOPCrusher

      Sadly enough, I don't believe they consider their ideas that out of whack. We are talking about a group of people that think that if you are against giving the top 1% more tax breaks, you are in favor of class warfare.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Don't think for a second that they aren't looking for an opportunity to kill a few poors once things get out of hand.

  • Goonemeritus

    I am not against kids working I myself had any number of jobs from the time I was fourteen. I delivered papers, picked apples, washed dishes ECT. None of this was against the law in NY when I was growing up. What has happened in the intervening 30 years is employers see no reason to hirer kids because they can hirer grownups now for kid wages.

    • HedonismBot

      "employers see no reason to hire kids because they can hire grownups now for kid wages."
      Sadly, yes.
      I worked a lot when I was young also. I helped my dad do house painting and construction. He did a few things "under the table." If he'd followed child labor laws to the letter I probably would not have been out there with him.
      Restrictions against child labor should not be absolute, in my opinion. Family farms and other kinds of family businesses often involve the kiddos. As long as the parents or other employers use good judgment and good ethics, I fail to see the harm.

      • paris biltong

        Same for drug laws, right? A little flexibility to allow people to get reasonably high. Actually, most laws could be done away with if everyone just agreed to be reasonable. So could government, in fact.

        • HedonismBot

          I know, it sounds like some pie-in-the-sky libertarianism – the kind that attracts both Paultards and hippie anarchists. If we were all caring and reasonable people, there would be no need for these regulations, and that includes restrictions on unfettered capitalism.
          Unfortunately, it only takes one uncaring and unreasonable moron (or corporation; as a "person," a corporation is capable of being a "moron") to ruin it all for everybody else.
          Quoth Yogi Berra: "In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      I delivered papers in San Mateo. There should have been a law about the maximum size of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle with those steep hills and stupid little biting dogs.

      • Goonemeritus

        I got bit by a three legged German shepherd once, I can’t remember if he was surprisingly fast or I was just to slow. As to child labor laws not being absolute they weren’t then and aren’t now kids can get paid work as young as 12 in NY with working papers. The system is fine it involves the school to make sure the kids are keeping up with classes and it greatly limits hours and the type of work to keep kids safe. Newt is offering a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.

        • finallyhappy

          Newt says9 years old- and he is not interested in any oversight

  • mavenmaven

    And think of the savings on music classes, they can learn to sing while picking cotton, just like in the good old days!

    • prommie

      They were happy, out there in the fields, carefree. Just listen to them singing!

    • chicken_thief

      A whole new generation of Robert Johnson, Willie Dixon, and Mississippi John Hurt – sweet!!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Only Newt could listen to one of Bachmann's brain farts and think she was on to something.

  • VaWyo

    "The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”

    Yes, janitor is the gateway job to hotel maid and dishwasher in a restaurant. What a meteoric rise.

    Newt must not now any children. Being a janitor in their own school would fill them with humiliation, not pride.

    • Naked_Bunny

      And why do have that wasted "recess" time? The kids could be doing something productive, like making license plates. Kids don't need to run around outside. Why, Newt never did, and he turned out great!

    • Mojopo

      I was thinking the same thing. There are children who will not eat the free breakfast and lunch they are qualified for at school because other children bully them for being poor.

      In all seriousness, this whole thing makes me cold and angry inside.

  • chascates

    Wow, I bet master janitors are really in demand!

    • Puffperney

      Jobs to be had on the pier too. Fishing equipment and boat rental clean up; one could become a master baiter there too.

      • proudgrampa

        I see what you did there.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Move the poors to Iraq and let them eat (yellow) cake.

  • Poindexter718

    Newt of the (9-year-old suspended over a) loom.

  • actor212

    Give Newtie a break! He meant they should all get the SAME job!

    Probably transcribing his divorce decrees…

  • MzNicky

    Stupid fat fuck is so fucking fat he can't even button his fucking jacket over his fat fucking belly. Holy shit I hate this fat fucking fucker.

    • Puffperney

      Well said sir!

  • HedonismBot

    These days, even college grads are lucky if they can find a job doing manual labor. Have you ever found yourself in what I call the employment "experience catch-22?" The only way to get experience in a job is to do it, but no one will hire you because you don't have the job experience.
    Thanks to our government and the One Percenters for which it stands, these kids are growing up in the Era of Reduced Expectations. I hate to say it, but maybe Newt's on to something here. These kids can add "assistant school janitor" to their resumes, which will give them a leg up on their less-experienced competition.

    • Biff

      This could backfire, though. Could be considered over-qualified for that next paper hat job on their career path.

      • HedonismBot

        Don't I know it. I think that B.A. on my resume has probably cost me at least a few of the paper hat jobs I've applied for these past few years. Talk about a blow to the ego.
        I've made up my mind to return to my first career in small-town, dead-tree journalism. The pay is low, but at least I have a proven employment record in that field.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      "…the One Percenters for which it stands"

      Haha, nicely put. And your Catch22 scenario could beget another unresolved cycle, as employers continue to move the goal posts: no sooner do would-be workers think they've gotten up-to-speed on latest technology and applied "commensurate experience," than the rules are rewritten yet again.. I picture the janitorial-sciences credentials perused on this poor slob's resumé by a potential hiring entity — then watch said entity have second and third thoughts. No sooner has the unemployable slob just decided it's o.k. "to become a member of a club that'll have him," than the club itself finagles out of its obligation by declining "to take anyone who would become a member," — in order to refine their standards, I guess.

      It could be a scenario worthy of Heller-style fiction, if only this prolonged stand-off between job creators and takers weren't our pinched, nerve-frayed reality.

    • GOPCrusher

      What about the companies that advertise that the "Unemployed need not apply."? How are these kids going to get jobs?

      • HedonismBot

        Beats me. Go for a ride with Herman Cain?

  • prommie

    Newt is the idiot's intellectual. He once taught a class in "history" as an adjunct at a community college, and has claimed to be a "history professor" ever since. He is just smart enough to have about one IQ point over the average teabagger. One of the strange things about intelligence is that once someone is one IQ point smarter than an idiot, from the idiot's perspective, that inch might as well be a mile. Idiots think Newt is the republican Stephen Hawking not because Newt is smart, but because they are idiots.

    • SorosBot

      Newt is very good in talking in a condescending, smug manner that indicates that he thinks he's smarter than the people he's talking too, in the same way that many Libertarians do. The drooling idiots of the the Republican base assumes that means he actually is smart; but no, Newt and every subscriber to Ayn Rand's cult are living proof that it's very possible to be a complete moron who knows nothing about the real world and still think you're smart.

    • Biff

      Jesus, I'd pay money to hear Sarah Vowell school this ignoranus.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Then again, it's only acceptable to be within 1 or 2 IQ points of your avegare Teatard. People whose IQs measure in the triple digits are egghead socialist Muslim threats to democracy.

  • MzNicky

    And how about debtors' prisons? It's high time we brought those back, too!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Pretty sure we already have those…

      • HogeyeGrex

        Didn't we cover that with the Bankruptcy Bill?

  • Eve8Apples

    Children should be elected to Congress. They couldn't do any worse than the current group of assclowns.

  • aguacatero

    I don't know about Master Janitors controlling staffs of child-moppers …

    But I do know that only in Director's cut-version of Idiocracy that is the Republican Party could Newt be considered a Master Debater.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Karl Marx in Vol. I of "Capital":

    "All the capitalist cares for, is to reduce the labourer's individual consumption as far as possible to what is strictly necessary."

    Not that he has anything to say these days of course.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Listen, you fucking fat slob – there aren't any fucking jobs. Not everyone can be a corrupt lobbyist with multiple marriages and an open credit line at Tiffany's.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising."

    Or, instead of repealing a societal safeguard designed to keep kids from dropping out, you could make community service a graduation requirement and have the kids clean the schools…Oh, wait in Newt's mind the only thing anyone cares about is money.

    "I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school."

    How would this work, exactly? A school of 200 kids cleaning a school at the same time? Depending on the ages, that'd require more than one "master janitor" to supervise. Or a rotating staff of kids who each clean once per week, thus by Newt logic, not giving a fuck the other 4 days a week and earning little money for their one day's work?

    "…You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing."

    A sane person would say "let's fix the schools." Newt uses it to justify changing child labor laws.

    • Biff

      How would this work, exactly?
      Each student takes one period of Janitoring 101. The now non-union Master Janitor will be the busiest adjunct professor ever!

      • paris biltong

        Or else they could be taught how to fish by a Master Baiter.

    • Mojopo

      One more question. When little Sally is sent to school with stomach flu, because her Mom has to work and chose rent over her kid, are they going to yank the poor kid out of class to fetch the sawdust and a mop?

    • Generation[redacted]

      "not giving a fuck the other 4 days a week"

      Are you kidding? Of course they'll care.

      "Today is that asshole Billy's turn. Last week when it was my turn, he urinal-duced me, so now I'm going toilet-nuclear on his ass."

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Such distasteful work, dignifying that with a response. Thank you for your service.

    • GOPCrusher

      Solve the Constitutional problem with the Department of Education. If there are no children being educated, we can do away with the money pit that is, the Department of Education.
      But then we would have unemployment issues again with millions of school janitors now put out of a job.

    • FritzBrogan

      At my middle school and high school all students did a rotating shift cleaning the cafeteria after lunch. It was a tiny amount of work, not nearly enough to replace a janitors job, but was an excercise in involvement.

      My thinking is that Newt heard about a program like this once, then twisted it in his mind into a really wretched idea. It was ok to begin with, but it didn't enforce class divisions enough, didn't instruct children in economic servitude, and didn't involve any agression towards unions at all. Once these basic problems were fixed, Newt had made the plan his own.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    How do we expect to compete with China if our 8-years olds are sitting on their asses in a classroom when they could be assembling iPods for 30 cents an hour? What has happened to the American dream of forced sweatshop labor and child exploitation?

  • DahBoner

    We need to start these kids off right—scrubbing the floors of Gold Man Sacks.

    There, teh selection process of screening out the more attractive kids to be child prostitutes will begin…

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Nothing gets MY personal pride pumping more than mopping the fucking floors.

  • freakishlywrong

    Do other countries have to suffer returds like this? Other than Somalia?

  • Naked_Bunny

    those unionized janitors can begin the “process of getting an unemployment check,”

    Ha ha! As if. Those lazy bums should get a job. If children can work, the adults have no excuse!

  • comrad_darkness

    This guy is considered "intelligent" and a "historian"? Srsly?

    • GOPCrusher

      I actually heard a Tea Bagger say that they were looking forward to the first Obama/Gingrich Presidential Debate so America could see a true educated person in action.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The problem is after receiving his Ph. D., he promptly quit giving a shit about intellectual (or any other kind of) integrity.

  • prommie

    Back in the 1990s, Newty was all pushing this cockamamie idea of fixing the urban yoot problem with BoysTown, during speaches he would actually talk about seeing the old movie with Pat Obrien, yupper, he just thought we needed to turn all the urban yoots over to the Catholic Church and a bunch of tough, but tender, Irish priests.

    I was pissed that noone ever pointed out the most famous alumnus of BoysTown: Charles Manson.

    • SorosBot

      Let's turn care of America's troubled young boys over to the Catholic priests, Protestant youth pastors, football coaches and Boy Scouts directors; the young girls can be in the care of Roman Polanski.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    In the 1990s, Newt suggested that we take children away from poor parents and put them in orphanages like the ones he saw in Oliver! When he was told it would cost over 30k a year per kid to put them up in orphanages — he backtracked in a hurry. This is just Newt 2.0.
    Unfortunately, we no longer have the Newt Gingrich cat toy filled with catnip and stuffing, the cat chewed his cotton entrails out.

    • prommie

      This is what I was talking about. What a stupid turd this man is.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Maybe they'll get adopted by bald billionaires.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Why, I used to make upwards of $50 a month delivering newspapers! It gave me money and a lifetime's worth of experience. Also, heat stroke and frost bite.

  • proudgrampa

    Lots of luck with that, Newtie.

    He and his ilk have absolutely NO clue. "Just get a job." Fuck. There must be jobs available to get a job, you asshole.

  • Toomush_Infer

    A Newt is a lizard, for fuck's sake, yessiree…

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    He then suggested shipping the extra children off to Africa to work in the diamond trade: "They don't call them blood diamonds for nothing! Now put some hustle into it."

  • Chichikovovich

    Yeah, well, you know who was opposed to child labour?

    KARL MARX, that's who.

    • SorosBot

      These days, our corporate overlords and Free Market-supporting right-wing politicians seem to be doing everything they can to rehabilitate old Karl's image and bring his philosophy back in to vogue.

      • paris biltong

        Indeed. I had thought for a while, after the collapse of the Other Model, that we were through trying to plow through Das Kapital but no! The free marketeers are much worse.

  • x111e7thst

    Poor kids need to pull themselves up by their own jockstraps, just like Newt does.

  • Chichikovovich

    Are the Republicans in Congress going to declare gruel a vegetable?

    • freakishlywrong

      Or possibly a "whole grain"..

  • prommie

    You know whats truly stupid is the incredible amount of meat that is wasted, every day, in this country. We spend thousands to bury or cremate all these dead bodies, when we could process them into nutrtitious, healthful Soylent Green. And we need nuclear-powered zeppelins, too.

    • proudgrampa

      What refreshing ideas!

      • prommie

        The atomic zeppelins will make these socialist "Public" streets and highways obsolete.

    • Steverino247

      No lead shielding in those zeppelins, either. Spread the wealth, so to speak.

      • GOPCrusher

        Lead Zeppelin? That would make a great band name!

        • Steverino247

          I'm glad SOMEBODY picked up that line…

  • Nesnora

    If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

    • GorzoTheMighty

      After all, they don't need no education!

  • Mojopo

    For some weird reason, the idea of popping his head like a pimple doesn't offend my anti-death penalty values. I guess I'm just a hypocrite, but at least I'm not some bloated, rich, pampered fuckface asshole with three wives.

  • greypanter

    The only difference in style between a Newt and a Prick Perry presidency would be that Perry can't verbalized his stupid ideas. I hope for his sake Newt didn't spend more than 3 minutes thinking through this "radical idea" before starting to talk about it.

  • Troglodeity

    9 (year old) – 9 (year old) – 9 (year old janitors)!

  • mercianomad

    "You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”

    __________________________________

    Pretty sure the culture you promote is failing both the students and the teacher, there, Newt.

  • Serfville

    That bloviating hunk of lard Gingrich can go straight to hell along with Paul, who wants sick people with cancer & no health insurance to drop dead. I can't even snark on this one.

  • Barrelhse

    Frig Newton.

  • joshleefolsom

    The schools should teach poor kids how to persuade rich guys to give them thousands of dollars to write books that they never finish. They'd have cash and pride like Newt.

  • GregComlish

    Why must the government prohibit "Child vs Midget" cage fighting? Won't somebody think of those poor jobs that are being killed by overzealous government regulation of the gladiatorial combat system??

  • greypanter

    When I was 14 I worked as a golf caddy at a country club. That was 1962. However, the current crop of wealthy adults has decided that riding a cart made in Korea is a better option than hiring a local hard-working human being.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?!!!

    • Serfville

      I know my head just expoded

  • Serfville

    Pizza = Vegetable
    Meat Maggots circa 1895 = Protein
    Chinese Dry Wall for Brunch = Carbohydrates
    Hobo Beans = Magical Fruit

  • NellCote71

    Newt practices what he preaches. He put his child bride to work, after all.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Wait, I think this guy is that fat fucking shit-elf I saw turning kids away from Santa at the mall. "Go earn a couple of bucks to give your parents if you want a Happy Ending, rugrats, because the Toy Creators are tired of your lazy begging!"

  • spends2much

    "Hey kids, are your parents lazy and poor? Put down those schoolbooks and grab a broom!"

    Newt is a genius, really. This will also solve the illegal immigration issue in 2 ways: 1) A large group of desperate, needy workers who are real Murricans, so no need to hire those pesky Mexicans; 2) Who in the fuck would want to immigrate to the US anymore?

  • James Michael Curley

    Newt's just jealous of Jerry Sandusky

  • proudgrampa

    The young ones can also get work at the hotels:

    Ain't you the guy who used to set the paces
    Riding up in front of a hundred faces,
    I don't suppose you would remember me,
    But I used to follow you back in '63.

    I've got a good job
    And I'm newly born.
    You should see me dressed up in my uniform.
    I work in hotel, all gilt and flash.
    Remember the gaff where the doors we smashed?

    Bell Boy! I got to get running now.
    Bell Boy! Keep my lip buttoned down.
    Bell Boy! Carry this baggage out.
    Bell Boy! Always running at someone's bleedin' heel.

    –Quadrophenia, The Who

  • a_pink_poodle

    Why aren't our children slathering grease on / being maimed by our heavy industrial machines for $1 a day?

    • Serfville

      Oh the humanity!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Because of the soft bigotry of higher expectations.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    A deranged "Master Janitor", leading a pack of ragamuffins in a decrepit and disgusting inner city school. I believe Kubrick had this in development at the time of his death, but was tweaking the misanthropy of the script.

  • Zombie_Reagan

    What's endlessly fascinating to me is that Republicans actually believe that there are hundreds of millions of well-paying job openings just waiting to be filled, but for the laziness of the poors.

  • crybabyboehner

    A modest proposal, indeed.

  • Nothingisamiss

    IFUCKINGHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE THIS FUCKING FUCKHEAD and the other evil fuckheads who sincerely, deep down in their shriveled semi hearts believe this fucking shit.

    Fucking evil fucking fuckheads of hatred who want to turn this country into a sinking shit pool.

    Fuck them all, I say.

  • PuckStopsHere

    What they ought to do is fire all those unionized teachers, replace them with one master teacher, and hire the kids to do the teaching. Of course, they won't have to pay them minimun wage because they are kids for christ's sake, so you can add another win to the "win-win".

  • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

    I like this idea. If the kids take the janitorial jobs we can have the janitors out looking for Newt so they can beat his ass. A victory for all Americans.

  • smitallica

    What would probably help those failing inner-city schools is not to repeal the child labor laws but to actually put some money into those inner-city schools so they can have good teachers and textbooks and things.

    You fucking idiot.

  • Franknflower

    He is full of good ideas. I can see why he is the Republican Idea Man.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I, personally, can't think of anything better than a public school that has been brought up to the cleanliness standards espoused by an adolescent.

  • ndisang67

    do we now call them schools or workhouses?

  • comrad_darkness

    Next newt will suggest that old people who can't afford nursing homes should be hired on as janitors in nursing homes. Makes just as much sense.

  • ttommyunger

    Gotta love that Newt! One of Santa's best presents to Barry and the Left….along with Mr. Personality: the Mittster. In fact all of them; the whole misshapen lot of them, they make the Bowery Boys look smart and effective.

  • owhatever

    Next up, Newt calls for kids to build debtors' prisons so their whole families can have places to live.

  • MrFizzy

    Oh, please. That pretty much takes away every source of pleasure for Newt.

  • MzNicky

    Also: Eat shit and die.

  • Chichikovovich

    Oh, yeah. Another one. The next time you marry this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6-IIXAF5HOE/TGtLRkEDFZI

    Don't transform her into this: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cCYw2H3DVUI/TfPA7ooSG-I

    Because I've got to tell you people find that just spooky.

  • comrad_darkness

    Too late! (I'm willing to bet, anyway. Camels like Newt don't change their humps.)

  • SorosBot

    Botox is a hell of a drug.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    THAT'S what his current harpy eagle looked like originally? Jesus FUCK, what happened?

  • Geminisunmars

    You are shittin' us, right? That could not be the same, um, person.

  • Nothingisamiss

    Oh, good Lord. I had no idea that she used to be normal.

  • finallyhappy

    That first photo wasn't his granddaughter? And the last one wasn't something from the House of Wax starring Vincent Price?

  • Chichikovovich

    I am absolutely, 100% not shitting you. The first picture is Ms. Third-Gingrich when she was a young campaign chippie just starting to nibble her way up the Republican food chain. I think what happened was that she got one of those picture-of-Dorian-Gray deals, but mistakenly hung the picture in her attic backwards, so the process of life etching her degradation on her face has been accelerated, rather than halted. The picture looks terrific though.