DEBATE #666  7:15 am November 21, 2011

Rick Perry Jokes To Jesus Pumpkin As Herman Cain Hides In Napkin

by Wonkette Jr.

Another Republican debate! Nobody really noticed this dumb “Jesus Thanksgiving” thing on Saturday, due to the Civil War currently brewing in America, but the six Jesus-loving Republicans did show up to sit with these Halloween pumpkins and jabber about how much they hate the Supreme Court. Mitt Romney obviously skipped out, because he worships the wrong make-believe God, but Rick Perry took the opportunity to remind everyone that he’s an imbecile. Herman Cain wept openly, into a napkin.

Amoral jewelry-debt piglet Newt Gingrich didn’t want to talk about his many marriages and divorces and how he “became Catholic” only after being kicked out of Congress in the 1990s and reading about alcoholics. Why alcoholics, when Newt is obviously more of a “eat a few bags of candy to chase that jumbo sack of potato chips” kind of guy? Oh who knows, maybe because he loves ‘hos like other fat babies love candy:

[The moderator] tried to press the candidates on more personal issues, asking them to talk about personal failings or struggles. Gingrich did not directly address his two divorces, but referred to a time in the 1990s when he consulted two Alcoholics Anonymous books, not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty.”

“That was really the beginning of turning my life around,” he said.

The candidates attacked liberals and President Obama repeatedly.

Sounds fun! We mean, “sounds like they all should have been pepper-sprayed in the mouth, for sitting.” [Washington Post]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 173 comments }

ManchuCandidate November 21, 2011 at 7:18 am

Newty Toot went to the wrong AA. He should have consulted Asshole Anon.

Schmannnity November 21, 2011 at 7:33 am

Adultery Anon.

Nostrildamus November 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Adultery, Again!

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

Amoral jewelry-debt piglets of America.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 9:02 am

Unpossible for assholes to remain anonymous!

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:20 am

Anon anon anon we go…ba da bing…

MaxNeanderthal November 21, 2011 at 7:21 am

You can feel the audience starting to doze off, up until the studio producer holds up the "Laugh now" prompt card….

finallyhappy November 21, 2011 at 7:21 am

They need to get a job- lousy GOP hippies- sucking off the public teat/taking money from the dumb poor morons who are tricked into giving it to them. I think Cain had been pepper sprayed by Perry -because in Texas that is what you do when a black man sits down next to you at the table.

Spurning Beer November 21, 2011 at 7:44 am

First a bath. Then a job.

Sparky_McGruff November 21, 2011 at 8:04 am

Even an acid bath won't clean the thick layer of bullshit off of Gingrich.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:22 am

"I think Cain had been pepper sprayed by Perry -because in Texas that is what you do when a black man sits down next to you at the table. "

I assumed that Cain tried pushing Perry's head towards his crotch, which resulted in Perry punching Cain's lights out, but your version of events is good, too.

MaxNeanderthal November 21, 2011 at 7:24 am

…and could they get any more crap on the table? Flowers, veggies, looks like a farmer's market down there..

OccupytheDashboard November 21, 2011 at 8:02 am

As if any of these folks would ever go to a farmer's market.

MaxNeanderthal November 21, 2011 at 8:40 am

Yeah, not the place to buy anus'n'testicle pizza with a side of rehydrated, palm-oil flavored fried potato replicas…

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

You mean a nice, government-funded-and-approved school lunch?

Biff November 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

No, you send down the chaufeur-driven custom van.

Nostrildamus November 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The ripest vegetables were the ones that were talking.

tihond November 21, 2011 at 7:31 am

You know who else talked to religious pumpkins… Linus.

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 8:50 am

Nothing fails like praying to the Great Pumpkin.

Limeylizzie November 21, 2011 at 7:33 am

Amoral jewelry-debt piglet Newt Gingrich…now that is just perfection.

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 9:11 am

Piglet Libel!!1!

Limeylizzie November 21, 2011 at 9:17 am

I am always just amazed how much pussy this man has managed to snag over the years.

LowProfileinGA November 21, 2011 at 9:42 am

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend."

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 9:45 am

I am not impressed with the quality, however.

Limeylizzie November 21, 2011 at 9:52 am

I wouldn't even let him near my dirty panties .

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 10:02 am

For Newt, any pussy is kinda amazing.

And by "snag", I assume you mean "set a trap". For example, dig a pit with a bed at the bottom. Then cover the pit with a blanket with diamonds in the center. Lie down on the bed. Get an erection by fondling his man-boobs. When the woman falls through the blanket, she'll land on his engorged member.

Limeylizzie November 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

Yes.

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:28 am

No.

Nostrildamus November 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Heffalump libel!

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

So this Tiffanies thing is just a form of money laundering – very dirty money laundering…. not the kind of yummy Lizzies undies laundering at all…?

Schmannnity November 21, 2011 at 7:34 am

This debate needs more pepper spray.

Katydid November 21, 2011 at 7:36 am

Needz moar orange spray tan.

RadiosTyrone November 21, 2011 at 7:38 am

What a cute little story about Ni**erhead Elementary School.

SpiderCrab November 21, 2011 at 7:42 am

Herman is sneezing out a trendy new pizza topping?

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:16 am

Snotcho Surprise!

Boojum_Reborn November 21, 2011 at 7:43 am

This must have been the Short Debate for the Special Kids.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

"Any uh yuh innerested, I gradjiated in tha top 10 of mah elemenurry skool klass"

ha ha ha ha ha! Yay for stupid! clap clap clap!

DahBoner November 21, 2011 at 8:06 am

Highest in his class!

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

What an eleeeetist!

hollywooddood November 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

Rieck Perry: Revenge of the Texas D student.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 21, 2011 at 8:44 am

D-
fixed.

coolhandnuke November 21, 2011 at 7:48 am

Newt claims drinking left him hollow and empty. Well Lumpy, you were slurping down two sixers of Zima a night. That'd turn a Bukowski hollow and empty.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:27 am

"Newt claims drinking left him hollow and empty."

A great void that he tried to fill with Twinkies, fried potato skins, marshmallow fluff eaten straight out of the jar…

Yeah, I know it's a cheap shot, but it's so richly deserved.

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

a Bakowski – good one..

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

Bukaske?

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 7:50 am

It's really a shame the way that Newt's first two wives failed him so utterly.

Sparky_McGruff November 21, 2011 at 7:56 am

The "party of personal responsibility": Republicans hold you personally responsible for everything stupid that they do.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 8:13 am

They failed to appreciate that he loved his country so much he just had to start boning younger models without cancer.

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 9:13 am

Does Obama love his country (U.S.A., not Kenya) that much? I think not. Impeach him!

Fauxhemian November 21, 2011 at 7:50 am

OCCUPY WALL STREET. OCCUPY HISTORY. PLEASE PASS IT ON. THANKS.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb4XPBHH6oo

bureaucrap November 21, 2011 at 10:40 am

Good start, but needz moar snark.

samsuncle November 21, 2011 at 7:54 am

I shed a tear for America after reading this post.

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 9:17 am

I get a queezy feeling in my stomach. One of these Dubya wannabes could become President of the United States. That would give him or her absolute power over all the lady parts in America.

Puffperney November 21, 2011 at 10:20 am

At this point, I'm all cried out…

Bluestatelibel November 21, 2011 at 7:58 am

Mittens talk about human feelings?!? The ability to simulate human feelings hasn't yet been developed for the AR-613F model.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 9:54 am

I don't think they invited Mittens to their Jesus party.

ProgressiveInga November 21, 2011 at 7:59 am

"…not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty."

And now he's "bulging with caustic crap" and "full of sh*t". Hey, it works if you work it!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 9:01 am

Someone ought to point out to Knute that "hollow and empty" would be a huge improvement.

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 9:18 am

Funny, from his enormous girth it doesn't look like he ever felt empty.

Pop_Socket November 21, 2011 at 8:01 am

You mean there were three people stupider than Perry in his high school? Why aren't they running?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

Probably in state institutions. (Of course, in Texas, that's the state legislature…)

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 9:54 am

Maybe Rick Purrah had them executed?

DahBoner November 21, 2011 at 8:03 am

OK, I've got the 60 foot inflatable Thangsgivin' Jesus on my front lawn and plenty of Pilgrim Beer to pass out to all the Thangsgivin' carolers.

NOW WHAT????

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:23 am

My next door neighbor?! Is that you?

nonbeliever7 November 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

Need some Polygamy Porter; slogan – "Why have just one?" http://www.wasatchbeers.com/shop/components/com_v

OccupytheDashboard November 21, 2011 at 8:04 am

Why are they even bothering? Mitt Romney has been chosen by the R-machine.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 9:56 am

Oh, OccupytheDashboard, this is just the silly little game we must all endure. Makes it look like democracy or something.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

You know how, when you go to a concert, the emcee comes out after the opening act clears the stage and demands an ovation to bring them back for an encore, even though the audience is clearly demanding the headliners take the stage, but the emcee won't let the show proceed until this particular bit of theater has played out?
It's like that.

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

Cain, Bachmann and Santorum don't even know that the Kochs were funding their campaigns to make Mittens inevitable.

Are they that duplicitous? Why, yes they are!

Nostrildamus November 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Why are they even bothering?

Newt has a book to peddle.
Cain has a book to peddle.
Michele has a book to peddle.
Can you spot the pattern?

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 8:07 am

The thin-skinned toxic salamander meant that he felt "hollow" and "empty" because it dawned on him that his serial (cancer-stricken) wife-dumping was going to be a hard sell on the presidential trail with the Koran-burning crowd. He needed one of those "get out of sin free" cards that always worked for his Matthew 6:5 ignoring colleagues in their dealings with the Matthew 6:5 ignoring religious right. Hence the reading around, to find precisely the right flavor. Catholicism, with the feature that the previous marriages could be declared null because they weren't Catholic marriages, had its obvious attractions for his final choice.

Spurning Beer November 21, 2011 at 8:20 am

Orthodox Judaism was out of the running, what with Newt's cashmere-angorra blend suits, and his tramp stamp. Oh, and his porcine-American heritage.

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:35 am

Plus antisemitism among the teabaggers is so prevalent they don't even have to mention it, whereas their anti-Catholicism is not universal.

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

Well, neither the Mormons nor the Muslims seem to object to polygamy, so he had other alternatives besides allegiance to the Pope.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

True, though as Romney seems to be discovering, Mormonism is a hard sell with the Evangelical base. I think I can see a downside to Islam from that point of view as well.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 9:38 am

He favors multiple ex-wives.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 9:57 am

Yeah. That'd be just what the GOopers need — moar Mormon.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

Upfisted solely for the mention of Matthew 6:5, my very favorite Bible verse ever (OK, I admit it's got some serious competition from "Obadiah tied his ass to a tree and walked forty leagues", but anyway). I'd have a Matthew 6:5 bumper sticker if I thought anybody at all would get it.

Puffperney November 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

My personal favorite: "Jesus wept."

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:39 am

"Jesus wept too, also"… corrected…

elviouslyqueer November 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

(OK, I admit it's got some serious competition from "Obadiah tied his ass to a tree and walked forty leagues", but anyway).

Apropos of which, apparently I've overlooked this bit of Jeebus wisdom.

ShaveTheWhales November 21, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Now, back it up.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 10:28 am

Another classic routine on this subject is The Parable Of The Pharisee and the Tax Collector, Luke 18:9-14. Always knocks 'em dead on the Original King Of Kings Tour.

Blueb4sunrise November 21, 2011 at 10:53 am

Mathew 6:5
Mark 7:1
Sabercat 5:6
Sanagas 2:1

memzilla November 21, 2011 at 8:08 am

Self satisfied doofuses are satisfied. And representin'!

(Representing 99% of the 1%, that is.)

ttommyunger November 21, 2011 at 8:11 am

I've heard some say Newt talks like a college professor. I've spent a lot of time listening to them and I'd have to say none of them quite made it to bloviating asshole like Newt does. Little Ricky is fluent in "Genuine Frontier Gibberish" and Hermie? Well Hermie is just a moron, and after eight years of Dubya we all know what moron sounds like.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 8:21 am

I was going to post my own brilliant insights here, but then it struck me that nothing I could say could come close to the description passed on by Paul Krugman: "Newt Gingrich is the stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like."

ttommyunger November 21, 2011 at 9:28 am

Paul's was sublime in its tone and spot-on accuracy.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 9:59 am

"Talks like a professor"? That should have exempted him from running as a Repub right there.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

Newt presents the appearance of "smart" to people who are too stupid to tell it from the real thing.

ttommyunger November 21, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Also presents the appearance of “Man” to the same type of idiot.

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:38 am

Cain speaks a unique patois known as Corporate PowerPoint.

ttommyunger November 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm

So true; and with a “Fuckwad” accent.

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 8:11 am

So now we know (or at least believe) that Newt has read the Bible, the Big Book and possibly the 12 and 12 or some other Jim Wilson opus. Should qualify him to be president of the United States, independent of other shortcomings.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:35 am

"independent of other shortcomings"

I am puzzled by this.
Does Newt have one single quality that is NOT a shortcoming? HIs looks, his personality, his intellect, his voice, his serial wife-dumping, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. The man is a loosely knit collection of shortcomings.

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 8:12 am

The morally corrupt Republican party could not ask for a better front runner; a morally corrupt, hate filled goiter. Newt is perfect for the Orcs that are now the Republican "base".

Oblios_Cap November 21, 2011 at 8:12 am

…jabber about how much they hate the Supreme Court.

Why do they hate the Supremes? Too many women and Italians on it for them?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 8:55 am

Still has four librulz on it. They'll hate it until that gets fixed

Negropolis November 21, 2011 at 8:57 am

And, haven't you heard? It's only Catholics and Jews, now! The horror! How did this happen? I'm sure Obama did it.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

Yeah, and isn't that one woman some kind of Mexican or lezzie or something?

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:37 am

"Why do they hate the Supremes? Too many women"

Well, that, and their habit of monopolizing all the sequins and eyeliner so that the rest of us…
Oh, wait.
Different Supremes.
Carry on.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:13 am

Whoever arranged that tablescape did Newtoid a favor by not placing the pumpkin in front of him. And what is that thing in front of the weeping/sweating Herman Cain? A papier-mâché turkey? How festive! Can't tell from this clip, but does this mean there's a little fake Christmas tree in front of The Salamander?

Two_Headed_Boy November 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

I hate Republicans.
Republicans are so stupid.

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

“Go get a job right after you take a bath.” This bile was uttered at a supposedly "Christian" conference. I do not think "Christian" means what he thinks it means.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 8:46 am

Like the Iraq war veteran whose skull was fractured by a police projectile, Newt? Is he a stinking jobless moocher too? What was your service record, tubby?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 8:53 am

No, it means exactly what he thinks it means. Just not what you think it means.

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Which means your work here is nearly complete, oh Great Deceiver!

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:39 am

“Go get a job right after you take a bath.”

That's not very original, but when you consider that their ideology dates back to the robber baron era, a fifty-year-old punchiline is downright modern for this bunch.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

“Go get a job right after you take a bath.”

Oh, is *that* the magic bullet?
If only I had a shitty minimum wage job, I'd be OK with the corpocracy and the thirty-year dismantling of the middle class?
No, can't be. I have a job (for now) and I still think these guys suck donkey balls.

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

What, no "and a haircut!"????

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

Yeah, 'cause when you go to look for a job, the sign says that long-haired freaky people need not apply.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:18 am

Wonder if anyone ever pointed out to him that maybe the drinking just made him realize that he's hollow and empty.

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 8:48 am

in vino veritas

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 8:22 am

Also besides, Newt has discovered that really, nobody cares about those pesky FreddieMac payments or whatever, except of course the lying librul mediums.
http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/11/newt-gi

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 8:39 am

From the article:
And the thin-skinned toxic salamander did prate:
“And none of these questions [about the dealings with Freddie Mac] never came up.”

Hey TSTS – a professor here with some advice: If you want to sound like a real professor, it's best to avoid obvious double negatives. [Unless, of course, you meant to say what you are literally saying, which is that all of these questions sometimes came up. In which case I do have to give you grudging admiration for some truly first-class rube-snookering.]

Windblast II:
“I am a strategic adviser. Anyone who watched any of these debates knows I’m capable of being a strategic adviser.”

Yes. Like whoever gave strategic advice to the French at Diên Biên Phu.

paris biltong November 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

A thumb-up for your professorial circumflexes. Proper diacritical marks are essential when confronting millions of Chinese enemies on bicycles.

johnnyzhivago November 21, 2011 at 8:27 am

This show jumped the shark weeks ago – will someone please have the mercy to just cancel it?

freakishlywrong November 21, 2011 at 8:37 am

Preferably, with a solid round of crotch punching.

ChernobylSoup November 21, 2011 at 8:55 am

Definitely spin-off time.

"Laverne and Surely These Aren't the Only Fucking Candidates Available?" Tuesdays at 8!

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:02 am

Spin-offs, or re-runs?

Biff November 21, 2011 at 9:52 am

I watched the first two, now I just come here to read the results.

johnnyzhivago November 21, 2011 at 8:29 am

Hey, here's an idea for the GOP debates – after each one, the candiates are in the boardroom and face Donald Trump. He fires one every week, based on instant polls taken during the show. At the end, you're left with the most entertaining candidate, who will then go on to lose. But the ratings will be through the roof.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

Even if it doesn't work, they would still have to be alone in a room with Donald Trump, which is a pretty good punishment all by itself.

HuddledMass November 21, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Honestly, I think this is a great idea.

comrad_darkness November 21, 2011 at 8:40 am

What? The surpreme court is full of Republican toadies who ignore all rational precedent to do their bidding, fix elections in their favor, and generally screw over we the people in favor of corporations and they *still* hate them? Wow.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 10:08 am

They're all still smartin' over Roe v. Wade. They'll never get over that one.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

Roe v Wade is their loss-leader. Just like the car dealership that advertises a Family Truckster at a ridiculously low price One only at this price and 100 people show up on Saturday morning to buy that one car. One lucky person gets the stripped-down car for cheap, but now you've got 99 others on the showroom floor in a buying mood. Roe v Wade gets them into the voting booth, is what I mean.

Steverino247 November 21, 2011 at 8:47 am

The true purpose of these little get-togethers is to bash the President and his political party with free headlines for several days after each one. The R's don't really care which candidate says or does what as the real purpose is to shit in the political nest and turn off voters so only their rabid base turns out.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 21, 2011 at 8:48 am

When someone decorates his resume with "top 14.5% of graduating class", you can be damned sure 14.4% of the class had a higher GPA. We get the message, Rick … you were in the "top 77%." At a tiny hick schoolhouse, against country bumpkin competition.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

"We get the message, Rick … you were in the "top 77%." At a tiny hick schoolhouse, against country bumpkin competition."

Now if only we could somehow work the phrase "rat's ass" into the discussion…

Monsieur_Grumpe November 21, 2011 at 8:48 am

10 out of 13? I am impressed…. considering his handicap.

prommie November 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

Yes, but it was Texas, where that handicap is very common.

Negropolis November 21, 2011 at 8:48 am

He sure does love that line. They absolutely revel in their stupidity. It's a badge of honor for them. Talk about a race to the bottom. Even the depraved Romans didn't celebrate ignorance, if even they later became ambivalent toward the sciences and technology.

Jesus wept, indeed. These idiots are so lost even, Jesus couldn't save 'em.

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

"They absolutely revel in their stupidity. It's a badge of honor for them."

This probably isn't the very worst thing about Dumbya's legacy, but it's certainly one of the most enduring.

Poindexter718 November 21, 2011 at 8:49 am

In goards we tryst.

Nostrildamus November 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I'd fuck a gourd before I'd fuck Newt.

LiveToServeYa November 21, 2011 at 8:50 am

Someone tell Prickerry that being sincere about the fact that you're an idiot does not negate the idiocy.

Negropolis November 21, 2011 at 8:53 am

The candidates attacked liberals and President Obama repeatedly.

BTW, I totally love that non sequiter, as if it's just a side point and not the entire central focus of these debates. lol Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

AlterNewt November 21, 2011 at 8:59 am

Show some respect. One of these people is going to fill out this headline:

Obama Defeats____________

Negropolis November 21, 2011 at 9:09 am

Let's just hope the answer doesn't turn out to be "himself." That would be a tragedy, but a real possibility, though, he seems to be going in the right direction. Self-preservation usually kicks in for every politician, hopefully, it happened soon enough.

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

Or, on Fox News:

<big>———– Takes Wyoming in Landslide!</big>
<small> Obama takes the rest </small>

weejee November 21, 2011 at 9:04 am

And just what did Iowa do to deserve this?

Puffperney November 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

Iowa asked for it!

Chet Kincaid November 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

Think it's so goddamned special.

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

Turned itself into a concentration camp for wingtards. Elected Steve King. Lobbied long and hard for ethanol subsidies and fattened themselves on dairy subsidies and corn price supports.

Is that enough?

Negropolis November 21, 2011 at 9:06 am

Don't you guys love the GOP talking points? One week, the talking point is that not only has Obama destroyed every existing job, but he's destroyed every potential job ever to be created. The next week the talking point becomes that millions of Americans just magically got instantly lazy, a few years ago, and quit their jobs.

Which is it?

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

All of 'em, Negropolis?

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:42 am

It's….Squirrel!!!!

V572625694 November 21, 2011 at 10:48 am

Very simple. Government cannot create jobs — Obama's Failed Stimulus proves that. But Republican candidates, once elected into government, will create jobs by abolishing the Department of Energy, forcing all the lobbyists who now work there to go back to the payrolls of the of the oil companies they came from. Without regulation from the government, those oil companies will grow and prosper and create many more jobs for lobbyists to defend against re-regulation. Also there will be lots of jobs on the shoreline for seabird-cleaners, tar ball collectors, etc. Win-win!

sbj1964 November 21, 2011 at 9:07 am

Herman Cain,said that God told him to run for President ? The last guy who said that ended up looking like a complete idiot (Pat Robertson) some things never change.

JustPixelz November 21, 2011 at 9:20 am

God told me Cain is going to lose. God just doesn't like guys named Cain*. The Bible says so, so it must be true.
_________________________
* Some people interpret the Bible to say "the mark of Cain" is dark skin, thus justifying their racism. Given the Bible's events take place in today's Middle East and Northern Aftrica, that "mark of Cain" could just as easily (and more likely) be light skin. Your move God.

BaldarTFlagass November 21, 2011 at 9:22 am

I think several other of the candidates received this message from on high, also. I think God is just fucking with them, for the lulz. Thank you God!!!

Chichikovovich November 21, 2011 at 11:09 am

God is making a CD of crank calls to play for his other divine friends at parties. (Not "fabulous!" type divine – I mean smitin' type divine.) If you listen closely to the message to Shelley Bachmann you can hear Vishnu stifling laughter in the background and whispering "Pffft.choke. Tell her the thing about the founders and slavery!"

DaRooster November 21, 2011 at 9:14 am

"…tried to press the candidates on more personal issues, asking them to talk about personal failings or struggles."

So they got their own channel… this will probably run longer than M*A*S*H…

MrFizzy November 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

Is Perry the orange one?

tessiee November 21, 2011 at 9:24 am

Old computer joke:

Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?

A1: PMS is only annoying a few days out of the month.
A2: People with PMS don't wish they were Unix.

Mahousu November 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

While I'll agree that certain parts of Gingrich are definitely "hollow," I doubt he's ever been "empty" in his entire life.

Anyway, he was probably just looking at the AA books to see if there were some passages he could plagiarize.

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 9:59 am

I think there's a rule where mormons can't eat with black people..or drink caffeine or something.

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:42 am

Is not eating black people sort of like not eating pork in a couple of other major world religions? Sorry, but I ain't giving up pork.

El Pinche November 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

Bacon tastes gooood.

MzNicky November 21, 2011 at 10:01 am

With a pumpkin head.

Gunner Asch November 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

Graduating class of 13? Eh, Perry's a city slicker after all. I spent 7 years running the general store in Dayville, Oregon where the total K-12 population once peaked at 56. Graduating class was anywhere from 1 to 4 each year.

BTW, amoral jewelry-debt piglet is a great line. (I have a cat named Piglet.)

Biff November 21, 2011 at 10:09 am
prommie November 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

Ahora, todos somos occupados.

Toomush_Infer November 21, 2011 at 10:43 am

Is it time yet for Madame Guillotine….?

marinmaven November 21, 2011 at 11:43 am

If they had walked the political desert for a generation, they wouldn't have this circus freak show of candidates now. They only have themselves to blame really.

BarackMyWorld November 21, 2011 at 11:50 am

Gingrich did not directly address his two divorces, but referred to a time in the 1990s when he consulted two Alcoholics Anonymous books, not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty.”

Did we, as a nation, really need a reminder of how stupid and annoying we found this guy 15 years ago?

not that Dewey November 21, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Dear Newt:

Serenity — you're doing it wrong.

a_pink_poodle November 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Another debate? Isn't this like the 200th GOP debate?

crybabyboehner November 21, 2011 at 1:41 pm

So he was one of the stupidest kids from a hick town in Texas?

In that case, the man should definitely be President!

drawingporno November 21, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Is Joe Rogan still alive? Can't we just have a special "Republican Candidates 2012" version of "Fear Factor" and finally get this over with? Please?

owhatever November 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

No pictures of them all kneeling down to worship Tim Tebow, the real baby Jesus?

datateday November 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Is THAT what we're supposed to use napkins for?!? Oh, please Pizza & Fast Food King Herman Cain the 3rd, show us the true way of the napkin!!! We've been mistaken all this time…

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