debate #666

Rick Perry Jokes To Jesus Pumpkin As Herman Cain Hides In Napkin

Another Republican debate! Nobody really noticed this dumb “Jesus Thanksgiving” thing on Saturday, due to the Civil War currently brewing in America, but the six Jesus-loving Republicans did show up to sit with these Halloween pumpkins and jabber about how much they hate the Supreme Court. Mitt Romney obviously skipped out, because he worships the wrong make-believe God, but Rick Perry took the opportunity to remind everyone that he’s an imbecile. Herman Cain wept openly, into a napkin.

Amoral jewelry-debt piglet Newt Gingrich didn’t want to talk about his many marriages and divorces and how he “became Catholic” only after being kicked out of Congress in the 1990s and reading about alcoholics. Why alcoholics, when Newt is obviously more of a “eat a few bags of candy to chase that jumbo sack of potato chips” kind of guy? Oh who knows, maybe because he loves ‘hos like other fat babies love candy:

[The moderator] tried to press the candidates on more personal issues, asking them to talk about personal failings or struggles. Gingrich did not directly address his two divorces, but referred to a time in the 1990s when he consulted two Alcoholics Anonymous books, not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty.”

“That was really the beginning of turning my life around,” he said.

The candidates attacked liberals and President Obama repeatedly.

Sounds fun! We mean, “sounds like they all should have been pepper-sprayed in the mouth, for sitting.” [Washington Post]

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  1. MaxNeanderthal

    You can feel the audience starting to doze off, up until the studio producer holds up the "Laugh now" prompt card….

  2. finallyhappy

    They need to get a job- lousy GOP hippies- sucking off the public teat/taking money from the dumb poor morons who are tricked into giving it to them. I think Cain had been pepper sprayed by Perry -because in Texas that is what you do when a black man sits down next to you at the table.

    1. tessiee

      "I think Cain had been pepper sprayed by Perry -because in Texas that is what you do when a black man sits down next to you at the table. "

      I assumed that Cain tried pushing Perry's head towards his crotch, which resulted in Perry punching Cain's lights out, but your version of events is good, too.

  3. MaxNeanderthal

    …and could they get any more crap on the table? Flowers, veggies, looks like a farmer's market down there..

      1. MaxNeanderthal

        Yeah, not the place to buy anus'n'testicle pizza with a side of rehydrated, palm-oil flavored fried potato replicas…

        1. JustPixelz

          For Newt, any pussy is kinda amazing.

          And by "snag", I assume you mean "set a trap". For example, dig a pit with a bed at the bottom. Then cover the pit with a blanket with diamonds in the center. Lie down on the bed. Get an erection by fondling his man-boobs. When the woman falls through the blanket, she'll land on his engorged member.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      So this Tiffanies thing is just a form of money laundering – very dirty money laundering…. not the kind of yummy Lizzies undies laundering at all…?

  4. MzNicky

    "Any uh yuh innerested, I gradjiated in tha top 10 of mah elemenurry skool klass"

    ha ha ha ha ha! Yay for stupid! clap clap clap!

  5. coolhandnuke

    Newt claims drinking left him hollow and empty. Well Lumpy, you were slurping down two sixers of Zima a night. That'd turn a Bukowski hollow and empty.

    1. tessiee

      "Newt claims drinking left him hollow and empty."

      A great void that he tried to fill with Twinkies, fried potato skins, marshmallow fluff eaten straight out of the jar…

      Yeah, I know it's a cheap shot, but it's so richly deserved.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      The "party of personal responsibility": Republicans hold you personally responsible for everything stupid that they do.

    2. Chichikovovich

      They failed to appreciate that he loved his country so much he just had to start boning younger models without cancer.

    1. JustPixelz

      I get a queezy feeling in my stomach. One of these Dubya wannabes could become President of the United States. That would give him or her absolute power over all the lady parts in America.

  6. Bluestatelibel

    Mittens talk about human feelings?!? The ability to simulate human feelings hasn't yet been developed for the AR-613F model.

  7. ProgressiveInga

    "…not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty."

    And now he's "bulging with caustic crap" and "full of sh*t". Hey, it works if you work it!

  8. DahBoner

    OK, I've got the 60 foot inflatable Thangsgivin' Jesus on my front lawn and plenty of Pilgrim Beer to pass out to all the Thangsgivin' carolers.

    NOW WHAT????

    1. MzNicky

      Oh, OccupytheDashboard, this is just the silly little game we must all endure. Makes it look like democracy or something.

    2. Biff

      You know how, when you go to a concert, the emcee comes out after the opening act clears the stage and demands an ovation to bring them back for an encore, even though the audience is clearly demanding the headliners take the stage, but the emcee won't let the show proceed until this particular bit of theater has played out?
      It's like that.

    3. V572625694

      Cain, Bachmann and Santorum don't even know that the Kochs were funding their campaigns to make Mittens inevitable.

      Are they that duplicitous? Why, yes they are!

    4. Nostrildamus

      Why are they even bothering?

      Newt has a book to peddle.
      Cain has a book to peddle.
      Michele has a book to peddle.
      Can you spot the pattern?

  9. Chichikovovich

    The thin-skinned toxic salamander meant that he felt "hollow" and "empty" because it dawned on him that his serial (cancer-stricken) wife-dumping was going to be a hard sell on the presidential trail with the Koran-burning crowd. He needed one of those "get out of sin free" cards that always worked for his Matthew 6:5 ignoring colleagues in their dealings with the Matthew 6:5 ignoring religious right. Hence the reading around, to find precisely the right flavor. Catholicism, with the feature that the previous marriages could be declared null because they weren't Catholic marriages, had its obvious attractions for his final choice.

      1. V572625694

        Plus antisemitism among the teabaggers is so prevalent they don't even have to mention it, whereas their anti-Catholicism is not universal.

    1. paris biltong

      Well, neither the Mormons nor the Muslims seem to object to polygamy, so he had other alternatives besides allegiance to the Pope.

      1. Chichikovovich

        True, though as Romney seems to be discovering, Mormonism is a hard sell with the Evangelical base. I think I can see a downside to Islam from that point of view as well.

    2. tessiee

      Upfisted solely for the mention of Matthew 6:5, my very favorite Bible verse ever (OK, I admit it's got some serious competition from "Obadiah tied his ass to a tree and walked forty leagues", but anyway). I'd have a Matthew 6:5 bumper sticker if I thought anybody at all would get it.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        (OK, I admit it's got some serious competition from "Obadiah tied his ass to a tree and walked forty leagues", but anyway).

        Apropos of which, apparently I've overlooked this bit of Jeebus wisdom.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Another classic routine on this subject is The Parable Of The Pharisee and the Tax Collector, Luke 18:9-14. Always knocks 'em dead on the Original King Of Kings Tour.

  10. ttommyunger

    I've heard some say Newt talks like a college professor. I've spent a lot of time listening to them and I'd have to say none of them quite made it to bloviating asshole like Newt does. Little Ricky is fluent in "Genuine Frontier Gibberish" and Hermie? Well Hermie is just a moron, and after eight years of Dubya we all know what moron sounds like.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I was going to post my own brilliant insights here, but then it struck me that nothing I could say could come close to the description passed on by Paul Krugman: "Newt Gingrich is the stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like."

  11. paris biltong

    So now we know (or at least believe) that Newt has read the Bible, the Big Book and possibly the 12 and 12 or some other Jim Wilson opus. Should qualify him to be president of the United States, independent of other shortcomings.

    1. tessiee

      "independent of other shortcomings"

      I am puzzled by this.
      Does Newt have one single quality that is NOT a shortcoming? HIs looks, his personality, his intellect, his voice, his serial wife-dumping, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. The man is a loosely knit collection of shortcomings.

  12. freakishlywrong

    The morally corrupt Republican party could not ask for a better front runner; a morally corrupt, hate filled goiter. Newt is perfect for the Orcs that are now the Republican "base".

  13. Oblios_Cap

    …jabber about how much they hate the Supreme Court.

    Why do they hate the Supremes? Too many women and Italians on it for them?

    1. Negropolis

      And, haven't you heard? It's only Catholics and Jews, now! The horror! How did this happen? I'm sure Obama did it.

    2. tessiee

      "Why do they hate the Supremes? Too many women"

      Well, that, and their habit of monopolizing all the sequins and eyeliner so that the rest of us…
      Oh, wait.
      Different Supremes.
      Carry on.

  14. MzNicky

    Whoever arranged that tablescape did Newtoid a favor by not placing the pumpkin in front of him. And what is that thing in front of the weeping/sweating Herman Cain? A papier-mâché turkey? How festive! Can't tell from this clip, but does this mean there's a little fake Christmas tree in front of The Salamander?

  15. freakishlywrong

    “Go get a job right after you take a bath.” This bile was uttered at a supposedly "Christian" conference. I do not think "Christian" means what he thinks it means.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Like the Iraq war veteran whose skull was fractured by a police projectile, Newt? Is he a stinking jobless moocher too? What was your service record, tubby?

    2. tessiee

      “Go get a job right after you take a bath.”

      That's not very original, but when you consider that their ideology dates back to the robber baron era, a fifty-year-old punchiline is downright modern for this bunch.

    3. tessiee

      “Go get a job right after you take a bath.”

      Oh, is *that* the magic bullet?
      If only I had a shitty minimum wage job, I'd be OK with the corpocracy and the thirty-year dismantling of the middle class?
      No, can't be. I have a job (for now) and I still think these guys suck donkey balls.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Yeah, 'cause when you go to look for a job, the sign says that long-haired freaky people need not apply.

  16. MzNicky

    Wonder if anyone ever pointed out to him that maybe the drinking just made him realize that he's hollow and empty.

    1. Chichikovovich

      From the article:
      And the thin-skinned toxic salamander did prate:
      “And none of these questions [about the dealings with Freddie Mac] never came up.”

      Hey TSTS – a professor here with some advice: If you want to sound like a real professor, it's best to avoid obvious double negatives. [Unless, of course, you meant to say what you are literally saying, which is that all of these questions sometimes came up. In which case I do have to give you grudging admiration for some truly first-class rube-snookering.]

      Windblast II:
      “I am a strategic adviser. Anyone who watched any of these debates knows I’m capable of being a strategic adviser.”

      Yes. Like whoever gave strategic advice to the French at Diên Biên Phu.

      1. paris biltong

        A thumb-up for your professorial circumflexes. Proper diacritical marks are essential when confronting millions of Chinese enemies on bicycles.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Definitely spin-off time.

      "Laverne and Surely These Aren't the Only Fucking Candidates Available?" Tuesdays at 8!

  17. johnnyzhivago

    Hey, here's an idea for the GOP debates – after each one, the candiates are in the boardroom and face Donald Trump. He fires one every week, based on instant polls taken during the show. At the end, you're left with the most entertaining candidate, who will then go on to lose. But the ratings will be through the roof.

    1. tessiee

      Even if it doesn't work, they would still have to be alone in a room with Donald Trump, which is a pretty good punishment all by itself.

  18. comrad_darkness

    What? The surpreme court is full of Republican toadies who ignore all rational precedent to do their bidding, fix elections in their favor, and generally screw over we the people in favor of corporations and they *still* hate them? Wow.

      1. Biff

        Roe v Wade is their loss-leader. Just like the car dealership that advertises a Family Truckster at a ridiculously low price One only at this price and 100 people show up on Saturday morning to buy that one car. One lucky person gets the stripped-down car for cheap, but now you've got 99 others on the showroom floor in a buying mood. Roe v Wade gets them into the voting booth, is what I mean.

  19. Steverino247

    The true purpose of these little get-togethers is to bash the President and his political party with free headlines for several days after each one. The R's don't really care which candidate says or does what as the real purpose is to shit in the political nest and turn off voters so only their rabid base turns out.

  20. Biel_ze_Bubba

    When someone decorates his resume with "top 14.5% of graduating class", you can be damned sure 14.4% of the class had a higher GPA. We get the message, Rick … you were in the "top 77%." At a tiny hick schoolhouse, against country bumpkin competition.

    1. tessiee

      "We get the message, Rick … you were in the "top 77%." At a tiny hick schoolhouse, against country bumpkin competition."

      Now if only we could somehow work the phrase "rat's ass" into the discussion…

  21. Negropolis

    He sure does love that line. They absolutely revel in their stupidity. It's a badge of honor for them. Talk about a race to the bottom. Even the depraved Romans didn't celebrate ignorance, if even they later became ambivalent toward the sciences and technology.

    Jesus wept, indeed. These idiots are so lost even, Jesus couldn't save 'em.

    1. tessiee

      "They absolutely revel in their stupidity. It's a badge of honor for them."

      This probably isn't the very worst thing about Dumbya's legacy, but it's certainly one of the most enduring.

  22. LiveToServeYa

    Someone tell Prickerry that being sincere about the fact that you're an idiot does not negate the idiocy.

  23. Negropolis

    The candidates attacked liberals and President Obama repeatedly.

    BTW, I totally love that non sequiter, as if it's just a side point and not the entire central focus of these debates. lol Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

  24. AlterNewt

    Show some respect. One of these people is going to fill out this headline:

    Obama Defeats____________

    1. Negropolis

      Let's just hope the answer doesn't turn out to be "himself." That would be a tragedy, but a real possibility, though, he seems to be going in the right direction. Self-preservation usually kicks in for every politician, hopefully, it happened soon enough.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Or, on Fox News:

      <big>———– Takes Wyoming in Landslide!</big>
      <small> Obama takes the rest </small>

    1. V572625694

      Turned itself into a concentration camp for wingtards. Elected Steve King. Lobbied long and hard for ethanol subsidies and fattened themselves on dairy subsidies and corn price supports.

      Is that enough?

  25. Negropolis

    Don't you guys love the GOP talking points? One week, the talking point is that not only has Obama destroyed every existing job, but he's destroyed every potential job ever to be created. The next week the talking point becomes that millions of Americans just magically got instantly lazy, a few years ago, and quit their jobs.

    Which is it?

    1. V572625694

      Very simple. Government cannot create jobs — Obama's Failed Stimulus proves that. But Republican candidates, once elected into government, will create jobs by abolishing the Department of Energy, forcing all the lobbyists who now work there to go back to the payrolls of the of the oil companies they came from. Without regulation from the government, those oil companies will grow and prosper and create many more jobs for lobbyists to defend against re-regulation. Also there will be lots of jobs on the shoreline for seabird-cleaners, tar ball collectors, etc. Win-win!

  26. sbj1964

    Herman Cain,said that God told him to run for President ? The last guy who said that ended up looking like a complete idiot (Pat Robertson) some things never change.

    1. JustPixelz

      God told me Cain is going to lose. God just doesn't like guys named Cain*. The Bible says so, so it must be true.
      * Some people interpret the Bible to say "the mark of Cain" is dark skin, thus justifying their racism. Given the Bible's events take place in today's Middle East and Northern Aftrica, that "mark of Cain" could just as easily (and more likely) be light skin. Your move God.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      I think several other of the candidates received this message from on high, also. I think God is just fucking with them, for the lulz. Thank you God!!!

      1. Chichikovovich

        God is making a CD of crank calls to play for his other divine friends at parties. (Not "fabulous!" type divine – I mean smitin' type divine.) If you listen closely to the message to Shelley Bachmann you can hear Vishnu stifling laughter in the background and whispering "Pffft.choke. Tell her the thing about the founders and slavery!"

  27. DaRooster

    "…tried to press the candidates on more personal issues, asking them to talk about personal failings or struggles."

    So they got their own channel… this will probably run longer than M*A*S*H…

  28. tessiee

    Old computer joke:

    Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?

    A1: PMS is only annoying a few days out of the month.
    A2: People with PMS don't wish they were Unix.

  29. Mahousu

    While I'll agree that certain parts of Gingrich are definitely "hollow," I doubt he's ever been "empty" in his entire life.

    Anyway, he was probably just looking at the AA books to see if there were some passages he could plagiarize.

    1. Biff

      Is not eating black people sort of like not eating pork in a couple of other major world religions? Sorry, but I ain't giving up pork.

  30. Gunner Asch

    Graduating class of 13? Eh, Perry's a city slicker after all. I spent 7 years running the general store in Dayville, Oregon where the total K-12 population once peaked at 56. Graduating class was anywhere from 1 to 4 each year.

    BTW, amoral jewelry-debt piglet is a great line. (I have a cat named Piglet.)

  31. marinmaven

    If they had walked the political desert for a generation, they wouldn't have this circus freak show of candidates now. They only have themselves to blame really.

  32. BarackMyWorld

    Gingrich did not directly address his two divorces, but referred to a time in the 1990s when he consulted two Alcoholics Anonymous books, not because he was an alcoholic but because he was “hollow” and “empty.”

    Did we, as a nation, really need a reminder of how stupid and annoying we found this guy 15 years ago?

  33. crybabyboehner

    So he was one of the stupidest kids from a hick town in Texas?

    In that case, the man should definitely be President!

  34. drawingporno

    Is Joe Rogan still alive? Can't we just have a special "Republican Candidates 2012" version of "Fear Factor" and finally get this over with? Please?

  35. datateday

    Is THAT what we're supposed to use napkins for?!? Oh, please Pizza & Fast Food King Herman Cain the 3rd, show us the true way of the napkin!!! We've been mistaken all this time…

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