BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE  1:40 pm November 18, 2011

Michigan Proposes Helpful Law To Harass Women Who Miscarry

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Fetus ghosts demand dignity!

Last year a group of rabid little anti-choice trolls in Michigan pretended to find a bunch of “fetal remains” while they were rummaging through a dumpster behind a women’s clinic, which, right, TOTALLY PRETEND. But this did not stop worried state lawmakers from feeling like they weren’t allowed to appear indifferent to fictional globs of tissue (being indifferent to non-fictional humans is still okay), so they are working to pass a new “dignified disposal of fetal remains” law commanding hospitals and clinics to immediately send someone in to force women who just have suffered first-trimester miscarriages to get them to make some “funeral plans” for the cell blobs… mostly to help rub it in, we guess?

From Detroit News columnist Laura Berman:

Women who have miscarriages in hospitals would have to sign forms deciding how the hospital should handle the remains, by cremation, interment or burial.

These options would newly involve funeral directors, or the option of using them, in situations where women aren’t necessarily emotionally prepared to think they’ve “lost a baby,” and where historically there’s little precedent for doing so.

It also introduces the potential for new costs, not likely to be covered by insurance.

“I think some women will be devastated,” says Joanne Mulhere, who counsels women undergoing loss of pregnancies at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, where about 175 women lose pregnancies through miscarriage or stillbirth annually.

Patients would be handed Kleenex, as well as a form to sign, requesting the remains be cremated, buried or interred.

Maybe this is why we are reading just today about how the U.S. birth rate keeps dropping? Sure, this is mostly because “the economy still sux balls,” but dumb laws like this one promising to traumatize the crap out of women over every single aspect of owning a uterus probably do not help. [Detroit News via RH Reality Check]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 197 comments }

BornInATrailer November 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm

At least they did away with the "Baby Gabe" provision that required you to cuddle and sing with the blob for a day.

BarackMyWorld November 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I dare them to criminalize masturbation.

Callyson November 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Every sperm is sacred!

Beowoof November 18, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Catholic eh

starfanglednut November 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

That is why I lick up every last one.

-Marcus Bachman

El Pinche November 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm

That's part of his de-gay curricucum I think.

mrblifil November 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

The fewer spermatazoa, the less chance of there being more gheyz.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

His assessment of jizz after a vasectomy: "Tastes great, less filling!"

Crank_Tango November 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

they're gonna have to pry my cock from my cold, dead fingers.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Hand me some Kleenex and a form to sign.

Neoyorquino November 18, 2011 at 8:17 pm

You'll have to sign a form designating how to dispose of the used tissues (there's an opt-out for those who use an old sock).

prommie November 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Ah ha, forget about those special receptacles and not flushing your tampons, ladies, soon, when this "sanctity of all reproductive tissue" movement catches on, you will be required to hold a full funeral for every tampon, followed by formal interment in a sanctified Tampon Graveyard, or risk prosecution for abusing a corpse egg.

BornInATrailer November 18, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I just knew Prommie would have an opinion on this.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Dittos. Like an option for all miscarriages during the month of May to be disposed of at the local high school girl's lavatory.

flamingpdog November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

PROM(mie) LIBEL!!!1!

prommie November 18, 2011 at 1:56 pm

No can do, May is a busy month for live-births in the high school lavatories, or else at the restrooms of the facility where the Prom is held! No room for all the miscarriages, too.

Nesnora November 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm

My rabbit dildo = Child Abuse Crime Weapon

prommie November 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I assume you don't live in Alabama?

io9k9s November 18, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I just got swatted down by wonketteBot for trying to give you more thumbies than my ass can cash (apparently)

Barb November 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

"dumb laws like this one promising to traumatize the crap out of women over every single aspect of owning a uterus probably do not help"

I am leasing mine. One more payment and it belongs to me!

flamingpdog November 18, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I hope you don't experience a sudden financial catastrophe and have to have your uterus repossessed.

Beowoof November 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I hate to mention it, but I do think you may have an eminent domain issue. Considering how far these guys are willing to go; Well for many it may be the only way for them into a women's uterus.

Dok-cupy Everything November 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm

2 wombs, rv. vu.

Gratuitous World November 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

As for the women, nothing says 'dignity' quite like the patronizing handoff of a warm tissue and clipboard.

V572625694 November 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The law commands them to give the failed mother a Kleenex, and no other tissue brand apparently. Could Kimberly-Clark lobbyists be behind this?

FNMA November 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

What? No option to take it home in a jar?
We call this one "Jarry."

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Babs Bush approves of this message.

EatsBabyDingos November 18, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Can we call the brown ones "Jar Jar"?

ShitFilledExistence November 18, 2011 at 1:46 pm

"I can't make it today, I have to bury my clot. The ceremony is at 3:00."

donner_froh November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Open coffin I assume.

YasserArraFeck November 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Actually, zip-lok baggie – a "closed-but-transparent" ceremony

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I think a biohazard bag would be required.

marinmaven November 18, 2011 at 11:27 pm

That's no biohazard officer, that's my baby! That one's Frank.

Oblios_Cap November 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I see that the "Get government outta my life" crowd is at it again. Bizzaro World!

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

of course, women must be punished for a natural and very frequent occurrence. it's really the right thing to do. today, we are all scarcely differentiated globs of tissue.

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm

i'm waiting for the Supreme Court to decide for me.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Globs of tissue can indeed contribute unlimited funds to Super-PACs.

SayItWithWookies November 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

They give you a Kleenex and then ask you what to do with the tiny blob of cells — isn't that redundant?

Sparky_McGruff November 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Pro-tip for the "pro-lifer" who might stumble upon this discussion: Rummaging through medical waste bins is an AWESOME idea. Just dive right into that dumpster and rip open those red bags.

I'm a medical researcher, trust me on this one.

ManchuCandidate November 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Hep C(hrist) for everyone!

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

and if you see what looks like a coffee pot full of urine it's actually delicious lemonade.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm

And remember, teensy weensy little ribs feel just as pointy as needle points, so if you feel pricking in your fingers, dig harder!

Sparky_McGruff November 18, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Those are Jesus Sharps you're talking about!

RadiosTyrone November 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

A very sharp idea.

memzilla November 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Won't this bring out the syringe element?

OneYieldRegular November 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

PS – all the really good stuff is in the red plastic bags labeled "BIOHAZARD."

Sparky_McGruff November 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Another pro tip: Look for the red petri dishes with the white spots on them. Those are especially yummy!

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 11:09 pm

What a bile thing to say!

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Look for this symbol: http://edu.glogster.com/media/4/21/16/61/21166158

It represents, um, Christ emerging from the empty tomb.

YouBetcha November 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Sparky, you should explain the fool-proof "Fetus Taste Test" for determining whether the tissue you're in contact with is in fact actual fetal tissue.

ShitFilledExistence November 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm

And the jokey doctor says, "A tissue for some tissue? waka waka waka!"

Mrs. Bitch November 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Shit, I can't like this more than once.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Oh, Patch Adams. You heal us with laughter.

GOPCrusher November 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm

+1 for the Fozzie Bear reference. Man, I'm glad to see the Muppets are back.

RadiosTyrone November 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Did you ever notice how the placenta looks like a pizza?

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

deep fried, they're more like a funnel cake.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm

You are saying that Herman Cain is behind this?

ChernobylSoup November 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm

One more vegetable for the school lunch menu.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

But tastes just. like. chicken.

Dok-cupy Everything November 18, 2011 at 2:29 pm

LARAINE: …By the way, are you planning to eat the placenta?

GILDA: You're kidding! You mean the afterbirth?

LARAINE: That's right. Many mammals eat their own placenta. It's nutritious, it's 100 percent natural, and now that you're going to have a family, you've got to watch your food budget more than ever. And there's no cheaper meat than placenta.

GILDA: But is there enough placenta to make a complete meal for my husband and myself?

LARAINE: Not if your husband has a hearty appetite like mine. And that's why you need Placenta Helper.

SNL, ca. 1978, never aired.

SorosBot November 18, 2011 at 2:41 pm

The sad thing is, now, some really weird people actually do eat the placentas. People are strange.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I know a chick who did this. The thought will bring me to the verge of vom for the rest of my natural life. The garlic tampon also grosses me out, but not in the same league.

Nostrildamus November 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm

You know, I used to think so too until I tried Swanssons new "Spicy Cajun" Shake-n-Bake placenta. Mmmmm.

DemmeFatale November 18, 2011 at 5:53 pm

After I had my 2nd child, we told the doctor we wanted to bring the placenta home for the dog.
He didn't think we were very funny.

donner_froh November 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

“I think some women will be devastated,” says Joanne Mulhere, who counsels women undergoing loss of pregnancies at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak

Who are you going to trust: a medical professional who helps women deal with this trauma every day or a member of the Michigan State Legislature who moves his lips while he reads and can't count past ten without taking his shoes off?

Callyson November 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

It also introduces the potential for new costs, not likely to be covered by insurance.
Life. What an expensive choice.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Look, the fetus had a pre-existing condition. Of course it was denied coverage.

GOPCrusher November 18, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Seriously, back in 95 I got a letter from the insurance company about my wife's annual inspection and an inquiry into whether or not it was a pre-existing condition. I never did hear back, from my response of "Yes, she had ovaries before I went on this plan." and they covered the bill.

Katydid November 18, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Her "annual inspection?" mind if I steal that? I love it!

frostbitefalls November 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks, and the one thing that would've made the experience perfect would've been a smarmy mortician in a dark suit acting sympathetic.

Urban_Achiever November 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Was going to post pretty much the same thing. Any funeral director who had spoken to me in the ER about "remains disposal" would've gotten a bunch of tongue depressors jammed up their arse

YouBetcha November 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm

First of all, sorry. That sucks. Been there, done that, got a $600 bill and a bottle of Norco. But more importantly: before they subject women to this indignity, bitches like me will step in and take a mofo out. If they want to inspect the previous contents of someone's uterus, they'll need to fight me for them. And I fight dirty.

horsedreamer_1 November 18, 2011 at 8:33 pm

"It is our most modestly priced receptacle".

Ankhoryt February 9, 2012 at 11:03 pm

I'm sorry for your loss, FrostBite, and 100% in agreement with your sentiments about a mortician showing up.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I bet the eulogies are very brief at these events.

Fare la Volpe November 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm

James was 3 ounces, with a hand and two fingernails that we'd all come to love…

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm

He enjoyed drinking amniotic fluid. That's what I'll remember most of all.

ShitFilledExistence November 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Jenny was on the honor roll and loved listening to Justin Bieber.

horsedreamer_1 November 18, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Jenny was the product of Bieb's "first" time.

/topical

V572625694 November 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Cremation? That'll be a challenge. Will they douse it in gasoline?

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

put it on the end of a cigarette and smoke it. now you and baby are one again.

Redhead November 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm

They would if they could find it, since first-trimester remains are usually too small to be seen without some magnifying device.

SorosBot November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

How horrifying that a hospital would treat medical waste as medical waste.

ShitFilledExistence November 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Medical waste isn't medical waste when it's a person–with feelings. Shame on you.

SorosBot November 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Of course, an embryo doesn't actually have feelings or even senses until the brain develops later in the pregnancy; but I forgot, these are theocrats who deny proven science and instead believe our mare are actually part of their imaginary invisible magical-mystical "soul". I guess we should also outlaw abortions because they make the unicorns and fairies cry.

ShitFilledExistence November 18, 2011 at 2:36 pm

No–seriously, if you walk by a clinic dumpster, you can hear the clots screaming to get out of their bags.

Fare la Volpe November 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm

I'm getting so sick of these fetus fetishists pretending there to be some great miracle that comes along with gestation. I had one Christard argue that the presence of a pulse indicates the baby has a soul. Y'know what else has a pulse? A tumor, ya shit.

YouBetcha November 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Don't you go getting all sciency and shit, SorosBot.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I think this is only reasonable. But then I throw an Irish wake every time one of my scabs falls off.

Dok-cupy Everything November 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Oh Scabby Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The bandaid's gone, and all the pus is drying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm

"Angela's Toenail Clippings" by Frank McCourt was such a powerfully moving book.

GOPCrusher November 18, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Any excuse to drink.

LesPaultard November 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

My gf is a funeral director in Michigan, and funeral directors do not want this new business.

donner_froh November 18, 2011 at 2:00 pm

No one wants it other than some extremist assholes in Right to Life. The legislature is happy to force health care workers and funeral directors to do their dirty work.

Generation[redacted] November 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

They just want to protect the fetii, and this is the best way to discourage women from having miscarriages. You'll see. Women will be holding it in to avoid such an awkward conversation.

slithytoves November 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Jesus, it was bad enough the vet asked me if I wanted to cremate my cat or have her "disposed." There was only one option I had the money for, and I still regret that.

anniegetyerfun November 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

You think they could brand "disposal" a little better. Or offer group cremation rates or something.

fuflans November 18, 2011 at 7:30 pm

we have a little pet graveyard in our backyard. one of the few benefits of actually having a yard in my opinion.

johnnyzhivago November 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

No special license plates for uterous owners?

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

We generally wear a scarlet letter of sorts: tits.

102415 November 18, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I hear we are going to have a bill saying we have to wear armbands.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

how the hospital should handle the remains, by cremation, interment or burial.

Throw in "garbage disposal" and you've got a deal!

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 3:06 pm

There should also be a check – box beside "Mix into moulding clay and bake into a Pope Benedict – shaped toilet brush holder".

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 7:05 pm

But I thought a bear shit in the woods??

Goonemeritus November 18, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I think these concerned Michiganders should also be required to respectfully dispose of their own discharge after they spend quality time with the Sears catalog or that picture of Ronald Reagan.

GOPCrusher November 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Isn't that what the Kleenex is for?

nounverb911 November 18, 2011 at 1:56 pm

What happens if the conception was really immaculate?

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm

then you were doing it wrong.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Michael the Archangel? I ain't falling for that shit again. Joseph is still pissed.

~ Mary

ghblowhard November 20, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Gentle readers. Jesus being conceived without Mary "knowing" Joseph in the "biblical sense" is referred to as the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception is Mary being conceived without original sin. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immaculate_Conceptio
I suppose others since then could have been conceived without original sin but when Catholics refer to the Immaculate Conception they are referring to Mary. Of course there is still the problem of how to determine a)if one has been conceived without original sin (hair like Donald Trump?) or what to do with the remains.

Sister Mary

sbj1964 November 18, 2011 at 1:58 pm

These pro-life Nazi's need to stop. They do not care about women or even the unborn.They only seek to impose their religious world view on everyone else.A woman's right to control her reproductive future must not be infringed upon. This act seems to be nothing but petty sour grapes for having lost in Mississippi.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Well that's, um, 'earnest.' Yup, let's just say 'earnest', shall we?

SexySmurf November 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

It's just another one of Spanky's multiple personalities. He has, like, 50 of them; you would think at least one wouldn't be completely obnoxious.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 18, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Add an option to mail it to the local Lifer HQ, and we're good to go.

widestanceshakedown November 18, 2011 at 2:01 pm

All miscarried fetal tissue will now be FedEx'ed to Santorum's house. The grieving mothers will be sent to Liberty University, where they will be killed for Life.

Cuz they just haven't suffered enough.

EatsBabyDingos November 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

"Cremation, interment or burial" What is the difference between interment and burial? Is the interment for the Japanese American fetalities?

Also, can we add a fourth category for "Placenta Helper"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Glad to see that the Republicans remain the party of smaller government that is less intrusive in our lives.

RadiosTyrone November 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Blob LIBEL!!1!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I don't see why there is even a question here, as everyone knows that the best thing to do with human remains is to roast them in a 350 degree oven for 35 minutes a pound, with a red wine glaze.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Bratwursts are dignified. I’m just sayin’.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I, for one, would have welcomed the opportunity to incinerate the parasitic fallopian terrorist who tried to kill me in June. Not in a crematorium, but holding the fetal blob with tweezers and taking a lighter to the fucker. I understand, however, that I may be the exception, here.

emmelemm November 18, 2011 at 2:35 pm

FALLOPIAN TERRORIST! You, madam, have made my Friday.

102415 November 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm

It should have been sent to the chair! A vwery, vwery tiny widdle electwic chair!
Having watched a friend nearly die that way you get no argument from me.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Sent it to TX. Perry will flip the switch on the little s.o.b. in a heart beat.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Sorry 'bout your friend's difficulties and hope she's healthy again. I knows for sure,the internal bleeding isn't fun nor is the surgical recovery. I joke here, but I'm lucky I got to the hospital and they figured out my issue quickly as death-mongering-fetus was the last thing I would have ever guessed (I was fixed and regular). At least the only "loss" I had to deal with was type O+, no emotional wreckage, just transfusions.

YouBetcha November 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I have a friend whose deadly little fallopian terrorist nearly killed her. I would not have taken kindly to anyone holding a conversation about tissue removal with her, after she had a good chunk of her reproductive system removed from her body because of the miniature killer.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Wow, I'm sorry for your friend's problems, too, and hope she's also doing better. I thought it was totally crazy that a friend of mine also had a fallopian terrorist about a week after me (thankfully, she knew she was preggo, so got herself right to the hospital when she started having pain, so it didn't rupture and they were able to remove it with a much less-invasive laproscopic procedure), but it seems fallopian terrorism is a far more common threat than I realized. I really can't imagine the emotional trauma for somebody who actually wanted a baby. If I'd been asked such a question I might have laughed (and then hit the morphine button like a coked up Jeorpardy contestant) because the idea that I'd give it a funeral or something is so absurd in my context. But that certainly wouldn't be the case for most women and, if I was of the normal inclinations, MisterBarry would've fucking killed somebody (even though he has rules: no jail; no hospitals; strippers, not hookers).

102415 November 18, 2011 at 9:23 pm

She lived to tell the tale. It was amazing how fast she got so sick, in a few hours really. She didn't even know she was pregnant. The ignorant idiots now spout that there is no such thing as an ectopic pregnancy because "You are not really pregnant then" The Ron Paul morons being the very worst about this subject.
Glad you came through it we need you here.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I can't keep track of all the crackpot fictions the different flavors of morons dream up to fit their warped world views.

And totally feel your friend, there, with the no idea thing. Retrospectively, the only possible clue was that the tatas were a bit tender, but I attributed that to too much coffee. I thought I had food poisoning, honestly…crampy, bloaty feeling and I kept thinking I'd take a good poop and be all better. Of course, it seems ridiculous now, but I didn't have any better guess and I started hurting a couple hours after eating a kinda rare burger for dinner on Saturday. It wasn't until Tuesday morning that I started thinking I needed to see a doctor. But, silly me, I took a bath, because that helps with crampy bloaty feelings…or makes things rupture or bleed out faster (don't know) and when I got out and felt like I was going to pass out, I decided something really was very wrong. A 38 year old woman in my office had died of a heart attack out of the blue a couple weeks earlier and I credit her with tipping the scale on calling 911. Two hours later I was in surgery. Glad I didn't opt for my normal wait-and-see approach. I now joke that I can't tell the difference between a bad case of gas and internal bleeding.

deelzebub November 18, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I had a friend rupture a tube in March. She thought she was infertile and just had food poisoning. She had horrible bloating and nausea that kept getting worse and worse. Finally, she started having seizures and her husband called 911. She had hemorrhaged 50% of her blood supply. Her blood pressure was so low 10 anesthesiologists had to have an emergency conference call to figure out how to knock her out for horrible surgery without killing her. The hospital staff has no idea how she is alive.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Wow, I just can't believe how many people have encountered this. Glad your friend pulled through and hope she's recovered. I take some comfort that it's apparently normalish to think abdominal pain is gastro rather than exploded lady bits bleeding out. I wish I'd asked on the blood loss…I had two transfusions after. I don't remember the anesthesiologist being concerned about knocking me out, and I was conscious and signing my own waivers and stuff, but by that point I would've killed if it would've gotten me a general faster and if I could have stood up.

deelzebub November 18, 2011 at 11:47 pm

She's a trooper; while in and out of consciousness, she cracked jokes about not liking those panties anyway as they shredded her clothes off of her in the ER. She's doing fine after a pretty grueling recovery period. Her mom came to live with her and her husband for a month and she got lots of strong opiates and bed rest. She's volunteering for the Smithsonian now.

The hospital staff told her she lost at least 2.5 Liters of blood into her abdomen. Like I said, they're completely baffled that she is alive.

Blueb4sunrise November 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Can't these globs be SOLD? I see $$$$$$$$$.
Needs marketing, traders, speculators.

poncho_pilot November 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Miscarriage Bubble…hmm…needs a better name.

weejee November 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Fetus futures? Wall Street quivers in anticipation.

Ducksworthy November 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Another opportunity for Dr. Ducks nifty feotal embalming and burial kits only $19.99. Comes with near microscopic casket (100% genuine aluminum foil)

GOPCrusher November 18, 2011 at 4:28 pm

NO FETUS CAN BEAT US!

Joshua Norton November 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Women who have miscarriages in hospitals would have to sign forms deciding how the hospital should handle the remains, by cremation, interment or burial.

So, now that corporations have been granted full citizenship, would this also be the same procedure if someone starts to form one and then decides not to?

Since they want a glop of goo to be declared a person while daddy is still on top of mommy screaming "Oh yeah, oh yeah baby", then wouldn't a corporation be a legal "person" as soon as someone just thought of it?

Inquiring minds want to know.

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Think of the subsidiaries! Subsidiaries are people, too!

mrblifil November 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Life is precious, sanctified even. It therefore follows that a woman who miscarries (spontaneously aborts as they call it in the hospital) would gather up the sopping clumps and attempt to put a suit and tie on them before laying out $10K or so for a tiny casket.

Nothing is more fun than asking anti-abortion fundies to stipulate exactly how many fetus funerals they have attended.

This kind of law is an attempt to tell sarcastic wags like myself to fuck off and die, that they have the power, and they'd rather force people to carry out preposterous funerals rather than admit a lack of logical consistency in their underlying world view.

weejee November 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

The mortuary lobby is strong in this state. For cremation do you have to buy a $10,000 pine box casket to place little fetus before lighting the fires?

LesPaultard November 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Direct cremations, those w/o funerals, involve corrugated (cardboard) boxes.

weejee November 18, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Ah, the $2,500 special boxes.

LesPaultard November 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Funeral directors have dry cleaning bills too. And maintenance on equipment you don't even want to know about.

Nesnora November 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Save the santorum!

owhatever November 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Take the same actions as the Pentagoons do for parts of our honored dead from the warz … incinerate, then dump in a land fill.

bumfug November 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

What the fuck is the difference between "burial" and "interment"?

tcaalaw November 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I'm assuming "interment" in this conext refers to putting the remains in a mausoleum rather than a grave.

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Agree, but I think you mean columbarium (as in a place for interment of cremated remains) rather than mausoleum, which is a really big-ass tomb.

tcaalaw November 19, 2011 at 12:40 am

Well, perhaps "crypt" would be more accurate, but I meant a building where whole bodies rather than ashes are preserved. I figured columbariums were included in the "cremation" option.

hagajim November 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I think if I were a woman in todays USA I would just get a tubal ligation and tell the man to fuck off….that or go lesbo where no repoduction option exists unless a turkey baster and my willingness are involved.

emmelemm November 18, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I would for real get a tubal ligation (I don't have any children and don't want any), but it's a fairly complicated medical procedure ($$$) that is generally not at all covered by insurance if it's not "medically" necessary.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Have you checked with your insurance? Some actually cover it as "birth control.". Mine did (and New York State's program for lower income women does, so I imagine it's not the only state)…with normal deductibles (which I planned for by putting extra money in a flex account for that year…had it done in January). I had it done a month after my 31st birthday, unmarried, and childless. Unfortunately, MisterBarry has bionic sperm, so the fallopian terrorist happened a year and a half later. But, I'm definitely a freakish statistic in that regard and wouldn't change that I got fixed and can fuck like a bunny without pumping my body full of hormones forever to avoid babies. =)

starfanglednut November 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

WHERE ARE THE JOBS!?!?

OneYieldRegular November 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Will there be a fourth option for disposal that reads, "Oral consumption of remains by sponsor of this legislation"?

prommie November 18, 2011 at 2:25 pm

No more sex during pregnancy, guys and girls. That would be sexual assault on an infant, or at least, exposing yourself to the little guy in there.

102415 November 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm

So if you fuck when you are pregnant and the babby inside is a grl and she gets pregnant then is that like an incest?

chicken_thief November 18, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Yuck! Even Sandusky waits until they can talk…

102415 November 18, 2011 at 3:55 pm

You sure about that?

PuckStopsHere November 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Erections have consequences.

Ankhoryt February 9, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Brilliant. Thank you.

prommie November 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Gene Simmons is coming out with a new line of Kiss Mini-Caskets, for when you didn't pull out in time.

Steverino247 November 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Most abortions are spontaneous and neither the woman nor any medical professional is involved. Of course, this makes God the biggest killer of babies in history, but let's leave the Big G out of this when there's political spoils on the line.

barto November 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm

And they should be forced to name their "fail babies" and create a college savings account for them and … all in the name of Jesus, of course.

sbj1964 November 18, 2011 at 2:49 pm

When you have a degree from Liberty University; isn't that like having a degree from Hogwarts?

Fare la Volpe November 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Hogwarts students have to know how to spell.

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm

[Pardon my language in this post, but I'm beyond angry at this.]
Jesus fucking Christ. My wife had two miscarriages in Michigan hospitals. Both times she was absolutely devastated. If some weasel had handed her a form like this it might have pushed her over the edge. Then I would have had to break the weasel's jaw, and I'd get prison time,… It would be bad.

I will say this. Chichikovna is also a professor at a medical school/teaching hospital here that is typically rated one of the very best in the country. Hospitals get that way by having top rate physicians. Recruiting her to come here was a challenge for the school because she also had an offer from Harvard/Brigham and Women's, and Harvard Med School grads like her never want to go anywhere but Harvard. We've built a wonderful life here, and we don't want to leave, but I fucking guarantee you that she would refuse to allow any of her patients to be given a form like this, and if her wishes were ignored, she would take the Harvard job and Michigan would lose an excellent physician. That would be the breaking point. And I'm sure she would be far from the only one.

Apparently the hard core right wing loons in the Michigan legislature don't realize, or don't care, that as they keep heaping on these things, trying to turn Michigan into a Calvinist theocracy, those people who would prefer not to live in a Calvinist theocracy are going to start moving out. And once good physicians start leaving, it will be hard to retain even those among the good ones who are OK with living in a Calvinist theocracy – exoduses of talented people tend to become torrential past a certain tipping point. So they'll be left with hospitals employing only those physicians who aren't good enough get jobs outside of the state. Maybe that's what they want, but personally I can see a downside.

Maman November 18, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I am so sorry for you both… and really glad that the State of Michigan didn't make it harder for you.

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Thanks. It was many years ago now, and though it was painful at the time, it doesn't trouble us anymore. But it was painful at the time. Not in any of the ways or for any of the reasons that Pro-lifers claim women must feel, but it was painful. Enough that the very idea of someone handing Chichikovna such a form at that time makes me clench my fist instinctively.

starfanglednut November 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Yes, sorry for what you two went through.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I'm sorry for the pain you both suffered. These shit-fuck Religislators could use punches in the junk from all the horrified and livid people. You make an excellent point on the brain-drain issue, though. And it extends into all professions…good breeds good, but people with options won't pick a shitty place to work and live. I don't want some Liberty U grad as my doctor…I'll take the Harvard doc every time (and so will all the fucking fundie nutjobs when it's their body or their family member in need), and that's stuff folks will consider when weighing where to live.

horsedreamer_1 November 18, 2011 at 8:37 pm

There are two kinds I hate — those who hate others's culture, & the Dutch.

bravo_sierra November 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Women, of course, are entitled to any level of grief over a miscarriage, from none (whew, dodged that bullet) to deep despair. However, I don't see what can be gained by forcing them to think of the lost pregnancy as more of a child than less.

Maman November 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Will Michigan's proposed law be extended to amputed limbs and removed organs? What about liposuction wastes? Those cells contain all the DNA of a complete human being and should be handled with dignity as well.

102415 November 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm

That's what I remind the dumb crassholes whenever possible but funny to tell I never get an answer on that from them. It could be they don't know what DNA is or maybe they are working on that one next up.

Redhead November 18, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Ummm – what about the majority of first trimester miscarriages – women who don't even realize they're pregnant yet and think it's just their usual (perhaps late in this case) period? Are they required to get it back out of the toilet and bury it?

And um – what about abortion clinics? Or has Michigan already outlawed all of those?

imissopus November 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

No jarring or canning option? I've got some left over from the last time I made preserves.

Tommmcattt November 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm

What, mixing them in with peach preserves and serving them on toast with a nice muscat isn't considered respectful anymore? Or do you just have to use a certain vintage?

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 3:39 pm

OK, I'm calming myself down. Enough to imagine heading off the clipboard holder myself outside the room. And when he asked me to sign the form, telling him "Well, I'm certainly willing to piss on it. Does a urine stain with my DNA in it constitute a signature?"

Fantasy is a real blessing.

Thedongsofwar November 18, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I'm glad they took the time to require that this super necessary law include a specific brand of tissues be distributed. Bravo..

Redhead November 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm

By the way Kirsten, your sign is misleading.

Instead of whites <— —> fetuses, it should be
white males and fetuses <— —> everyone else.

cherry_hemp November 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm

In TN they send the dead baby home with you in a styrofoam cooler.
http://tinyurl.com/83t6k5p

BZ1 November 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

again, how does this create jobs? oh forgot, undertaker, funeral director? crematoriums?

horsedreamer_1 November 18, 2011 at 8:38 pm

CREEEEEEEE MAH TORRRRRRRR EE AH

LEAVE ME ALONE

fuflans November 18, 2011 at 7:30 pm

good think Michigan doesn't have anything else to worry about.

caitifty November 18, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Why don't they just give them voting rights, to be managed by their mothers under proxy? No? Don't want all those probable Democrats having two votes?

fitley November 18, 2011 at 10:33 pm

How ironic is it that the "fetal remains" in the dumpster turned out to be left over Godfather Pizza?

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Until the Reich Wing outlaws all contraception (and they're trying!) they'll pass legislation (is that like passing a kidney stone?) that requires anyone who purchases a condom to purchase a small casket with it. Used condom must be deposited in itsy-bitsy casket and taken to a funeral director for proper disposal, with certification sent to the State department of Checking on All Acts that We Don't Like. Creates jobs and protects one-half of the possibly incipient human. Win-win.

marinmaven November 18, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I am suprised there is no "Jarbaby" option. Little Frankie deserves to be at the Thanksgiving table too.

datateday November 19, 2011 at 1:10 am

Maybe that sign refers to the fetus' wrapper?

ttommyunger November 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

The mind boggles.

DahBoner November 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

And this new law makes homeless dumpster divers the "eyes and ears" of the law.

REMEMBER YOU PATHETIC, SMELLY, HOMELESS BUMS–IF YOU SEE A FETUS IN THERE NEXT TO THAT HALF-EATEN TURKEY SANDWICH—SAY SOMETHING…

L188188 November 21, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Yea, though I walk through the <flush!>

boston1807 February 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

i wonder if they want to make a burial process for amputees:" here's your headstone, we put in your leg/arm…once you die we bury the rest as well. "(?)…. so you can bring flowers to your bodyparts. why don't we all start it for our hair cuts and nail clippings too?

YouBetcha November 18, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Oh yeah. Three years of undiagnosed infertility, dozens of painful, expensive, and highly invasive tests, and several rounds of Clomid which wreaked havoc on her body. Only to result in an ectopic which nearly killed her and resulted in the loss of 50% of her already sketchy reproductive system. Same for a colleague who had a molar pregnancy (I don't advise the menfolk Google this), and is now on cancer watch for the indefinite future. I'm sure a discussion about a Christian burial for the mass of nearly- deadly cells was exactly what those ladies needed.

MissusBarry November 18, 2011 at 10:01 pm

How awful! And unfair…I'd prefer not to grow a beard, but aside from hormonal regulation, I have no use for not-for-fun parts of my reproductive system, and came out with all the bits (except for some extra fallopian removal, for good measure). Admittedly, I seem to have some nasty internal scar tissue to go with the visible scar and some other minor weirdness, but my worst aftermath is a totally-in-my-head sensation in my neck (who knew, there's a nerve or something that when your abdomen fills with blood and it pushes on your diaphragm causes a weird neck pain?)…and I hold out hope that even these minor things will improve since it'll only be 5 months Monday.

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