weeping boozehounds from space

John Boehner’s Drunken Crying Ruins NASA Ceremony (VIDEO)

Were you lucky enough to have a real, live astronaut visit your elementary school back when public schools still existed? Bet the kids were so so super excited!!! We definitely were, because, of course, even a low- to middle-tier astronaut is several orders of magnitude cooler than anyone who hasn’t been weightless in Outer Space. But did your classmates cry? Did they cry like the actual children they were? Hey, it’s okay! Crying was a developmentally appropriate response, according to science, probably! This, however, is not the case when the “child” is your Weeper of the House John Boehner.

Here’s how he embarrassed everyone this time:

His sniffles began during the speech, but it wasn’t until after House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) stepped down from the podium during a Wednesday ceremony at the Capitol that the bawling started.

Boehner was one of several Hill leaders who gave remarks at an event honoring astronauts John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins and Buzz Aldrin with the Congressional Gold Medal. Congress approved the medal in July 2009 to mark the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

In Boehner’s defense, perhaps these American cosmonauts brought back with them some sort of moon glitter that makes a salty discharge leak copiously from the eye holes of everyone in their proximity? And if so, just who are they working for? AND WHY WON’T THE MEDIA REPORT ON THESE MANCHURIAN SPACE DRIFTERS?

An attendee at the ceremony said Boehner’s strong emotional reaction was startling.

“It was certainly a moving event, but seeing him sob and gasp for air was sort of off-putting,” said this attendee.

This attendee probably won’t be too happy about Boehner’s plans to go catatonic at next year’s ceremony.

[Swampland via Rising Hegemon; HuffPo]

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    1. tcaalaw

      I know six year old girls. Six year old girls are friends of mine. And, let me tell you, John Boehner is no six year old girl!

      Wait, that didn't come out right….

      1. prommie

        I enjoy the company of six year old girls. Am I sexually attracted to them? Umm, phumpher, no, no, of course I am not.

    2. MaxUdargo

      Give him a break. John Boehner is just so powerfully moved by how beautiful John Boehner is when he talks about how great America is. John Boehner is his hero.

  1. prommie

    Buzz Aldrin should have just cold hauled-off and decked him, just for being a fucking pussy. No offense to any pussy-owners out there, but that Boehnor, he's a fucking pussy.

          1. prommie

            The best kind of win of all! Its what we are all searching for, you know, us men, we are all seeking a sweet, wholesome, pure girl-next-door, who is also cheerfully vile and filthy in the vilest way, and who laughs proudly while at it.

          2. prommie

            As you are well aware, to us yanks, even the lowliest cockney is mistaken as something refined and sophisticated, but yes, yes indeed, there is nothing much sexier, to many amurrican men, than filth spoken with an English accent. My very first secretary, when I was a young lawyer, just hatched, was an English lady about twice my age, I loved when she would get angry and start cursing in her beautiful accent, "fucking bloody cocksuckers" and such. Yes, I am sure you are awesome, if you can do that.

          3. poncho_pilot

            "and start cursing in her beautiful accent, 'fucking bloody cocksuckers…'"

            you didn't get any video of that did you? that's a kind of porn i could get down with.

          4. Chichikovovich

            If you went into the dominatrix trade you'd have half the Tories in Parliament lining up for your services. (Though some of them would ask you to wear a Margaret Thatcher mask, which might be a bit too much. Gotta have limits.)

    1. FakaktaSouth

      And then Buzz should have turned around and grabbed the youngest legal chick in the room and kissed her dip-style while holding the American flag in his free hand. Cause Buzz is a playa AND hater of the bad kind of pussies.

      1. prommie

        I have missed you and your brash bad-girl sense of humor! Of course you would appreciate the wonderfulness of Buzz Aldrin.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Buzz gives me great hope for my later years of debauchery – that there will be men who will still wanna-be-able to even play. Love love.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Well of course. But I have come to find there is much to be said for the wisdom derived from experience.
            I am also going to try and incorporate the word sloppy into my discourse as much as possible today. Just to keep you with me at all times.

      2. prommie

        I could picture Buzz loudly humming the Star-Spangled Banner while receiving a sloppy, enthusiastic blowjob. Hmm, that doesn't sound right, its not that I "picture" Buzz getting blown, damn, now I am trying hard not to picture that, but anyway, you know what I mean.

    2. Nesnora

      He's more like a soft, shriveled, been-in-the-bath-too-long, balding Scrotum. Vulnerable, pasty and completely ridiculous looking when brought out in the sun.

  2. nounverb911

    "Boehner’s plans to go catatonic at next year’s ceremony."
    He's been that way since he became speaker.

  3. Tommmcattt

    How doth the little crocodile
    Improve upon his shining tail,
    And pour the waters of the Nile
    On every golden scale!

    How cheerfully he seems to grin,
    How neatly spreads his claws,
    And welcomes little fishes in
    With gently smiling jaws!

    -Lewis Carrol, Alice In Wonderland

    1. Fare la Volpe

      All the sexual assaults from last year's Pon Farr should be enough to bar them from service altogether.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Well, its hard to see humility down there when exceptionalism is always on top. If you know what I mean.

    1. prommie

      That would be dangerous, punching Boehnor in the throat, that could seriously injure Grover Norquist's cock.

        1. chicken_thief

          There has to be some reason all the right winger listen to that idiot. Given their penchant for mano y mano action on the qt, he may the the Al Gore of the House.

  4. DaRooster

    Can't visit Gabby in the hospital… but you sure can turn on the water works when you think it benefits you. I'm glad people are calling you on it.
    You are a completely heartless and soulless… snatch!

  5. Ancient_Hacker

    Crying is what happens when you're so internally conflicted– when you know that all the bright young smiling faces are each inheriting like $33,000 in national debt, and you're the guy responsible for making that worse.

  6. SexySmurf

    Congress approved the medal in July 2009 to mark the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

    Christ on a pork rind! It took Congress over two years to give four dudes a medal. At this rate, we'll finally get a jobs bill sometime around 2086.

    1. HedonismBot

      At that point, we won't need them anymore. And our descendents will decide they much prefer living in a Mad Max-like hellhole to going back to the old two-party system.

  7. Terry

    Doesn't Boehner realize that John Glenn is a big old Democrat, a friend of Robert F. Kennedy, and thus probably a secret hippie socialist?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Heh. Throw in "It's a Wonderful Life" and "The Muppet Christmas Carol" and I'd be bawling right along with him.

  8. Joshua Norton

    An attendee at the ceremony said Boehner’s strong emotional reaction was startling.

    Nah. Obviously they've never seen some drunk fool when they slip into "I luv you *hic* guysh" mode after their 10th beer. Usually followed by crying and then a bar room brawl.

  9. Allmighty_Manos

    Shit if my job was herding House GOP members on a daily basis I'd be bawling every five minutes too.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Just the idea of dealing with Tea Tards and Eric Cantor waiting to plunge a knife in your back has me getting a little misty.

  10. HedonismBot

    "This attendee probably won’t be too happy about Boehner’s plans to go catatonic at next year’s ceremony."
    Boehner going catatonic? What's not to like?

  11. SorosBot

    "even a low- to middle-tier astronaut is several orders of magnitude cooler than anyone who hasn’t been weightless in Outer Space"

    What if it was the who drove cross-country in a diaper to attempt to murder her boyfriend's wife?

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      David Vitter was an astronaut? I can understand the diaper and boyfriend thing, but he was an astronaut?!?

    2. not that Dewey

      Obviously she stared into the black oblivion of the unknowably vast universe and it made her do crazy things. Happens all the time.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    And he's in a leadership position of the party that claims to be "Adults". They also claim to be the party of Personal Responsibility and Family Values. They need to rename the Republican Party the Bizarro Party.

    Me John Boner. Me big Assmunch.

    1. RavenRant

      They also claim to be the party of National Security, when burning smoking holes were blasted into south Manhattan and the Pentagon on their watch.

      1. SorosBot

        From a group lead by a guy who, when Bill Clinton tried to bomb him a few years before, yelled "No blood for Monica!", and forced him to stop going after the group.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Very true. I've never said it in connection with my children, but I say it about Republicans all the time.

  13. anniegetyerfun

    Is it a drunk thing? Sometimes I get emotional when I drink heavily. I mean, more heavily than a normal day, which is already pretty heavy.

    1. El Pinche

      We're all different. I scream when I'm drunk. And it's not a happy scream, it's a more of a gutteral like I'm-getting-disemboweled-right-now type of scream. It's weird.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    It's strange that he weeps while speaking about how it's part of the American makeup to serve something greater than oneself — maybe it's because he's being mentally slapped with a wet noodle by Ayn Rand when he says this that makes him cry; maybe it's the idea that the thing he's serving is his own shallow self-interest and the collective greed of the robber barons who've fucked up all the rest of his constituents that gets to him; or maybe he's just such a schmaltz-loving, trite, shallower-than-a-Hallmark-card peabrain that he actually believes he's doing something momentous and a part of history that won't be repudiated for generations. Yeah, I'm going with that last one.

  15. RavenRant

    A woman who cried as much as this sniveling bitch would not only be disqualified from being Speaker of the House, she wouldn't be able to keep a job as hostess at the local Denny's.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's putting it mildly. If Nancy Pelosi were caught on film with a single tear in the corner of her eye under any circumstances, the right would immediately stop referring to her by any label but "Princess Weepy" and the clip (closeup of the eyes magnified) would be put on constant rotation on Fox until the heat death of the universe.

  16. actor212

    John Boener would cry for anything.

    He'd cry for Argentina.

    He'd cry because it's Thursday.

    He'd cry ordering lunch.

    1. user-of-owls

      He'd cry for Argentina.

      Isn't that Mark Sanford's gig? Oh, wait, I'm wrong. Sanford would hie for Argentina.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    This happens so regularly it's becoming surreal. In comparison, it makes Deputy Andy on Twin Peaks look about as stiff-upper-lipped as Hill St.'s Capt. Furillo.

  18. widestanceshakedown

    “It was certainly a moving event, but seeing him sob and gasp for air was sort of off-putting,” said this attendee.

    This person got to see him gasp for air, and they're complaining? FTW?

  19. Ducksworthy

    I'm hoping to start seeing these people turn up as victims of autoerotic asphyxiation with copies of Atlas Shrugged at their feet.

  20. GregComlish

    Does the House speaker literally not have at least one image specialist on his team? Or does he just not listen to them? Any idiot can see that being chronically associated with weeping is a major liability. Crying *once* might be seen as a positive, especially for a Republican who are often perceived as cold. A few tears could be spared at the conference where you resign due to some Craigslist/Prostitute/Gay/Shemale/Congressional Page/Airport Bathroom scandal. But at this point it just seems like we have a man in a position of power who isn't able to control his emotions.

    The astronaut incident was entirely predictable and avoidable. Nobody would have recommended Boehner for the job. Isn't the political machine supposed to prevent these sorts of train wrecks? Who broke the political machine?

    1. actor212

      Wait, I couldn't hear the audio well. Was he crying because he realized he could never be an astronaut?


  21. WhatTheHeck

    I think Boehner celebrated Communion several times before the speech.
    Those little wine glasses are really handy. You could hide a few in your coat pocket.

  22. ttommyunger

    Is this motherfucker ever sober? I think not. 'Course, if I had to deal with politicians all day every day I'd be a drunk too; or in prison for mass murder.

  23. Redhead

    "John Boehner’s Drunken Crying Ruins NASA Ceremony"

    Did he cry all the self-tanner off, until it was running down his face in orange streaks?

  24. LiveToServeYa

    "I weep for you," the Walrus said:
    "I deeply sympathize."
    With sobs and tears he sorted out
    Those of the largest size,
    Holding his pocket-handkerchief
    Before his streaming eyes.

  25. mrblifil

    Seriously, what is wrong with this fellow? Brain damage of some kind, probably alcohol related or the result of an undiagnosed stroke? He's probably a heavy smoker, and they have terrible circulatory issues late in life, sometimes. The thing that pisses me off is that his infirmity isn't physically painful to him. It's most devastating feature is that it tortures people who have to watch him speak the most.

  26. V572625694

    Don't care much for now nearly-defunct "the space program," but must point out that my fellow graduate of the Agricultural Training Institute in West Lafayette, IN (whatever his challenges as a writer of words that would forever) never once used his immense fame to make money.

  27. Dok-cupy Everything

    To be fair, I cried watching the last Shuttle mission lift off, much like I cried watching the first one in 1981. But I'm a geek, not the Speaker of the House, and it was in the privacy of my own home.

  28. An_Outhouse

    Congressional Gold Medals. Lovely swag! Thank you for creating a couple of jobs in China you snivelling, drunken, douche chugging, impotent cry baby.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    Congress approved the medal in July 2009 to mark the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

    It took them over 2 years to actually give them the medals? Did they order them from Goldline or something?

  30. Mojopo

    I can abide a dewy eyeball because astronauts are awesome, but I get gaggingly disgusted by this pussified bag of goo. He didn't go to the moon! In fact, his party has been cutting support to our space program. A smart person once told me that people who cry inappropriately and draw attention to themselves are immature people who are trying to acquire an association to an event (or person) that they don't deserve and did not earn.

  31. MLite

    I think he cries because secretly he realizes that people like him are the reason this country is unable to do anything hard like land on the moon ever again. If he had been Speaker when JFK had declared we would land on the moon within a decade, he would have given a rebuttal speech calling it too expensive and Socialist. I don't think Boehner is an evil ideologue like Cantor, but he is a schmuck.

  32. Pres.Libunatic

    Fucking asshole. If NASA proposed a new Apollo-style space project that employed the 400,000 people that Boner gets all choked up over at around 2:12, his TeaPublicans would scream about Soshalizm and stuff like that – and as a compromise we would end up with an unmanned probe to take photos of Phobos and Deimos or something shitty like that. So much for American Exceptionalism.

  33. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is a non-story, as everyone knows that Boehner was just crying because he found out there was not an open bar at the function.

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