TONE DEAF  4:20 pm November 17, 2011

On ‘Day of Action,’ White House Wants You To Buy Their Beer Koozies

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Drink up, everyone! And then don't forget to stay home.Is there “some stuff” going on in the country today, maybe? Sure, a few things, like shopping day with Joe Biden! Here for example from some freshly-arrived Barack Obama re-election campaign spam promoting their online store is this convenient beer koozie with Joe’s goofy grinning mug on it. And what’s the “best part” of showing your support by using the Internet to purchase cheap crap, according to the email? “You won’t have to fight the crowds, or even leave home.” See, nice ‘n safe!

At least these emails aren’t even bothering to ask anyone to hand over their last few dollars as contributions in support of “hope” or “change” anymore. It’s just “buy our stuff, to give as gifts, so we can keep our jobs.” What a great gift for your fellow Americans!

Back in reality, the latest updates report that protesters at Zuccotti Park were barricaded in by police (after being evicted two days ago), and the scene is getting rough. Groups of folks are gathering in Union Square and on subways, as per the livestream that you can watch here:

One protester was photographed with blood all over his face after clashes in Zuccotti, and over a hundred have been arrested. [Obama For America email list/ Guardian]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 191 comments }

nounverb911 November 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

How much is Biden's Trans Am?

4TheTurnstiles November 17, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Barb November 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Probably made in China.

OzoneTom November 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Smells like swag!

OneDollarJuana November 17, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Actually, the best koozies I've ever bought were made in the (sort of) USA, to wit, Texas. They hold up really well, fit my cans and bottles really well, especially Coors-a-Cola, and insulate really well. And they haven't even once seceded from my cooler. They are Kolder Holders, and if you want custom koozies, check 'em out. Even if they are from Texas and probably employ illegals from Vera Cruz, and execute anyone who doesn't meet quota.

Callyson November 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Photo of Biden topless washing his bitchin' Camaro or GTFO.

Baconzgood November 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Bitchin' Camaro Bitchin' Camaro Bitchin' Camaro
I ran over my neighbors.

Dok-cupy Everything November 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Point of Order: It's a Trans-Am, which is an order of magnitude tackier than a Camaro of the same vintage.

Something to like about ol' Joe–he loves that Onion story. (Though in reality, he owns a '67 Corvette).

Biff November 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

'round the trailer park, they're collectively known as Trans-Camaros.

OneDollarJuana November 17, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Jeez, especially with the Screamin' Eagle on the hood. "Hey asshole! Gimme a can o' Skoal and a coupla 40's o' Old English!"

Dok-cupy Everything November 18, 2011 at 9:19 am

I have long wanted to put one of those Screaming Eagle decals on the hood of, let's say, an AMC Pacer….

Tommmcattt November 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Nah. Put his face on the side of a bong, and THEN maybe I'll bite…

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Slogan underneath his face:

Kush We Can Believe In

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Yes we Cannabis!

Fukui_sanYesOta November 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing, said in a statement. “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will help small business.”

HobbesEvilTwin November 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I thought Barry just illegalized all swag.

tihond November 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

IOKIYA(S)R

HobbesEvilTwin November 17, 2011 at 5:30 pm

(S) — the mind just reels:

Secretly?
Sucking off?
Stupider than?
Seeking … their love?

oh fuck it, I'd rather watch Barney Frank talk smack about Newt.

OneYieldRegular November 17, 2011 at 6:29 pm

And…you have a better idea for getting rid of it all?

slithytoves November 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Oh sure, the president doesn't want to pay for cheap crap any more, but we're supposed to.

johnnyzhivago November 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Do they have the Ballistic Storm Windows on the site yet? I wanted a set of those.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 17, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Biden Ballistic Storm Windows(tm) – they're a big fucking deal!

monty4prez November 18, 2011 at 8:54 am

You get those only after a $500 donation and you wash Biden's car.

Baconzgood November 17, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I haz teh confuzed. Am Iz supposta buyz teh swagz or not?

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 6:48 pm

YES!!

If the swagz iz for Obamer… as long as there ain't them cheap ass frizbeez… 147 grams or better or GTFO!

weejee November 17, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Biden alt clickie fail

/edit: note kicking clicking Biden's koozie can still getz the dreaded PAGE NOT FOUND

/edit²: clickie now chasing its own tail, but that works if it can give 'Murica jerbs by providing a self-activated endless do-loop. Pay from Wonette billionaire Ken Layne likely to be modest, but on to the click, click, click. Is this like day trading?

prommie November 17, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Joe Biden is my God. History will prove his divinity, you will all see. You should invest heavily in Biden-themed coozies and other memorobilia now, while you can, get in on the ground floor of this new religion.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I'm a bit worried what "Flying Biden Monster" might equate to.

Generation[redacted] November 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Verily, I am not worthy to eat off his commemorative plate, but only say the word, and my beer shall be chilled.

Rotundo_ November 17, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Getting in on the ground floor of a religion? Sounds like Amway to me. Then again, most organized religions, and a few disorganized ones sound like Amway to me. Lotsa crazy closeted types selling a product that would punish their own conduct.

Biff November 17, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I'm hoarding all my misprinted Biden/Obama '08 bumper stickers; I'ma be rich some day.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Bidenizm?? Sound far more preferable than… Boner… well… Boner anything.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:46 pm

And, lo, did Joe the Biden De La Warr loveth the world so much that he stepeth off the Amtrack in Union Station to save the world….

OneDollarJuana November 17, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Snark off. I want to see Joseph Biden run for President, and I want him unleashed in his campaign. Sure he's kinda funny-looking, sure he kinda lets slip his "inside voice", sure he seem to be toadying a bit to Obamer, but I can't remember even once that he let slip his apparently real opinion that he didn't prove to be 100% correct in his predictions, and unfailingly on the moral side. I'm positive he was selected to be VP for the same reason most are: life insurance for the main candidate. I don't think Joe Biden would keep political prisoners, execute Americans without trial (or anyone else), not investigate, let alone prosecute, the real criminals in this country, raid marijuana dispensaries that provide life-preserving medicine for our nation's ill, and on, and on. I could be and probably am, way off base, but I think that Joseph Biden is one of, if not the only, ethical Democrat left.

Snark on. Damn! that's a cheap-ass koozie!

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I find Joe's candidness endearing as anyone, but he would not make a good president, and he's legendary for being very wrong when he's wrong about something, particularly on Iraq, as a kind of recent example.

prommie November 18, 2011 at 9:32 am

He is The Chosen One. For it has been foretold, there shall come a man with his foot in his mouth, yet from the foot-filled mouth shall come wisdom.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Or alternatively, profanity.

fuflans November 17, 2011 at 9:57 pm

no, joe biden is MY god and you r doing it wrong.

it is trains and funky 70s attire that ensure his godhead. you will see.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 11:59 pm

(snark off) Feeling better tonight, fuf?

fuflans November 18, 2011 at 10:26 am

yes thank you. my brother is doing quite well and we are all feeling more optimistic.

prommie November 18, 2011 at 9:34 am

Truly, he shall come in the form and appearance of Disco Stu, riding on rails as would a Hobo, from the land of DuPont.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 12:46 am

So Prommie, you think you could give Mrs. Owls a call and tell her all this stuff? Cuz I'm just sure she'd let me take up drinking again if she understood what was going on here.

prommie November 18, 2011 at 9:35 am

You need to take up some far far worse habit, like crack or crank, and then she will be releived when you go back to just drinking. That ploy ALWAYS works.

mrpuma2u November 17, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I think drinking beer out of that would both literally and figuratively kill my buzz

Mumbletypeg November 17, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I'd like to think that's Alvin Greene in the Commemorative Apron pic. But nah, the Tao Master of SC doesn't strike me as a Pit Master©

Extemporanus November 17, 2011 at 4:32 pm

TEAR GAS CANISTER KOOZIES FOR EVERYONE!

weejee November 17, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Dorli Rainey 24 oz high-flow pepper spay koozies or GTFO.

Extemporanus November 17, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Scott Olsen is no doubt already working on it, dude.

#AhKooziefyOakland

Biff November 17, 2011 at 7:51 pm

J'aKooz!

flamingpdog November 18, 2011 at 12:00 am

Jakoozie! Time to jump in the tub and sweat!

PhilippePetain November 17, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Well duh if the occupados would just get a bunch of these, some natty and some tailgates to sit on, they would be virtually indistinguishable from Sandusky supporters and therefore perfectly awesome Americans. You have to know the rules of the game you're playing, pinkos.

MMathS November 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Thank God I got one of these Koozies when they were still $5.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I'm waiting until January 21, 2013, when they're 50 for $5.

GunToting[Redacted] November 18, 2011 at 9:41 am

Planning ahead to insulate your refrigerator box? Good thinking.

Smitros November 17, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Good on you. The rest of us have to live through the Biden Bubble.

MMathS November 17, 2011 at 6:21 pm

FOR SALE.

One Joe Biden "CHEERS CHAMP" koozie. Purports to be union made (but I would guess only the printing was done by a union shop and the koozie was hand-stitched by the children of Chinese political prisoners). Only minor use because current owner has been forced to resort to hard liquor almost exclusively.

$9 (note that this is a discount from the "Biden Bubble" price of $10).

SorosBot November 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Biden is the Cheers champ? But I thought he was from Delaware, not Boston; and while Senators John Kerry and Gary Hart both had cameos I don't remember Joe every appearing.

weejee November 17, 2011 at 5:14 pm

He was passed-out under the pool table.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Didn't Rick Perry play the assistant bartender?

emmelemm November 17, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Woody Harrelson libel!

horsedreamer_1 November 17, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Don't worry — he's too stoned to notice, or care.

Dok-cupy Everything November 17, 2011 at 5:52 pm

And then there was the ill-fated Cheers cameo in St Elsewhere, which ranks among the worst crossovers in network TV history….but by extension also suggests that Kerry and Hart are nothing but daydreams in the mind of an autistic child

paris biltong November 17, 2011 at 4:34 pm

The rulers are amusing themselves, selling swag while the people rise up. Happened before, with dire consequences, usually.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Still, you've got to admit that the Ancien Régime's "The Louvre is for Lovers" and "The Seine is for Sinners" baseball caps with beer cans fastened to both sides were pretty cool.

paris biltong November 17, 2011 at 5:30 pm

The most recent police raid highlighted on the evening news was targeted at miniature Eiffel Towers, made in China, shipped through Belgium and sold under the actual tower by African street vendors. They seized like hundreds of thousands of them. It got treated by the media as almost as meaningful as a major drug bust.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Not surprised. I was working in Paris last year for a stretch. My kids came to see me, and they wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower. (Not as much of a disappointment as I feared it might be – my son liked it more than the Louvre, but not as much as the Sexion d'assaut CDs he's been hooked on ever since.) But it was simply astonishing how many rough looking vendors were around, hawking enormous rings of miniature Eiffel towers of different sizes. It was evident from the prices they were offering, the unbelievably low "fallback" prices they would offer if you started walking away, and just the sheer number of vendors everywhere and the way they were interacting that what was going on wasn't completely above-board.

V572625694 November 17, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Did that cute Gypsy girl pick your pocket too?

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:54 pm

That was something that struck me about Paris. The peddlers are aggressive as hell. I had one almost get in a physical confrontation with me without even provocking it. I had a one near the Sacre Coeur that was really pleasant, and even shocked me with his knowledge of my homestate, but overall, they seemed really desperate and it sometimes came off as threatening. I was also really kind of shocked by the housing conditions where these immigrants are forced to live. Paris ain't all rainbows and sunshine, let me tell you.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 17, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Throw in a Joe Bidden bottle opener with genuine belching sounds and you got deal.

tihond November 17, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I can't wait to put this on my election collectibles with my G.W. Bush "Major League Asshole" foam finger.

Rotundo_ November 17, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Cool concept! Is the Cheney version stained to comemorate his hand being up Bonny Prince Dubya's ass for 8 long years or is it rendered in "flesh" like the Bush one. Of course it could be in corpse white considering Heartless Dick isn't alive by some standards.

Goonemeritus November 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Sorry but my wife after reviewing our household budget has unilaterally zeroed the family swag line item. More alarmingly I just received a text from her saying she wants to review the number of electronic devices issued to family members at dinner tonight.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I hope she isn't forcing you to purchase health insurance.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Does that mean you'll be selling some of your remote-control predator drone dildoes on Ebay?

Monsieur_Grumpe November 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

The NYPD is beating everyone. Even the people who deserve it.
http://thinkprogress.org/special/2011/11/17/37134

paris biltong November 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Ustream is awsome, especially now that this Tim guy is talking a little less. "Fifty unmarked police vehicles passing by right now." Obviously not very successfully unmarked

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Were they ever… you always knew, "Hey, there's a cop behind us." At night… in the rain… and I'm blind… drunk… oh and 16…

weejee November 17, 2011 at 4:46 pm

The freedomz are sad in the Fifedom of Bloomberg.

GOPCrusher November 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I would expect the Daily Caller to report that the liberal, union thugs of the NYPD were just trying to suppress their attempts to accurately report on the Occupy terrorist organization.

BornInATrailer November 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Mrs. Fields: Shitty Cookies, Shittier Reporting

El Pinche November 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Five bucks says Fields continues to bash #owc.

ShitFilledExistence November 17, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Cheers, Chump.

stopthemovie November 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Just in time for winter

Nesnora November 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

This swag thinks ahead: All Americans will be drinking during that election.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Most of us toilet wine, 'cause we'll all probably be in prisons, by then.

flamingpdog November 18, 2011 at 12:05 am

Or hemlock.

Negropolis November 18, 2011 at 2:22 am

Yeah, a bad toilet wine might as well be.

elviouslyqueer November 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Barry, Barry, Barry. How many times do we have to tell you? Less swag, more porn!

Nostrildamus November 17, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Day of action, indeed!

GOPCrusher November 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm

The Biden beer can Koozie will go good with my old Ford WIN buttons.

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I'm gonna get one to display my commemorative can of Billy Beer®.

OneDollarJuana November 17, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I'll "just say no" to Obama swag.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I want my WTF (Win the Future) button. I heard that shipment of them was put on hold after the Republicans cancelled the future during the debt ceiling debacle.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Beverages that come in cans universally can eat my asshole alive. With or without a "koozie". Sorry, sports fans.

BornInATrailer November 17, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Wait a second… until they finally made the draught bottle, I think an exception needs to be made for Guinness.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Mmmmm, they still have it in draft and bottles though, I find the cans generally are stale (despite the plastic floaty thing) so I won't buy cans anymore. Haven't tried Boddingtons yet and I've heard good things, so maybe all is not lost for cans!

OneDollarJuana November 17, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Sharkey, you're missing out on a sea-change in craft beers. There is an increasing number of high-quality beer coming in cans. The plus side? Lighter containers, not light-struck, easier to open. The minus side? Same goddam high price.

But get some anyway. For example, Ranger IPA is my latest favorite.

ShitFilledExistence November 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I thought it was a 'Cozie' not a 'Koozie'.. Koozie sounds, uh, vaginal.

BornInATrailer November 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Maybe we've misinterpreted the purpose of this and what we have here is some sort of Uncle Joe fleshlight product.

ShitFilledExistence November 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Silkwood shower for mental imagery, please..

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm

The word "cozy" is simply not sufficient to describe the superior product on offer here.

emmelemm November 17, 2011 at 6:28 pm

That was my first thought, as well.

Gleem_McShineys November 17, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Just wait till you find out how it feels!

snackypants November 18, 2011 at 12:48 am

And I thought I was the only one whose family referred to a girl's parts as a "koozie." The word still gives me the skeeves.

SayItWithWookies November 17, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I've got a can holder — it's at the end of my arm. Can we instead purchase a GOP candidate advent calendar, with maybe little surveyor's marks that we can close over each one as he/she disappears into obscurity?

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Not surveyor's marks. A blue circle with 99% in the middle. I'm with you on the advent calendar otherwise.

RadiosTyrone November 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

How insular can the white House get?

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

mmmm … beer … ooohhhhhh… Is it 5 o'clock somewhere yet?

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm

MzNicky… it is always 5 o'clock where I am… it may even be a.m…. bottoms up.

meatlofer November 17, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Would you like to sell it or pawn it?

littlebigdaddy November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I'm holding out for a Herman Cain bobblehead with an erection.

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Is it fully erect?

Rotundo_ November 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Which head bobbles?

tihond November 17, 2011 at 6:28 pm

all of them, Rotundo_

tihond November 17, 2011 at 6:29 pm

So is Marcus.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Didn't Dan Quayle bring one of those back from Central America when he was VP?

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Wait a minute… which has the erection… you or the bobblehead?

coolhandnuke November 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Beer Koozie: A PBR induced pussy fart.

Eve8Apples November 17, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I'd pay Joe 10 bucks to hold my cans.

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I would hold them for free !

actor212 November 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm

They're also great for picking up tear gas canisters and tossing them aside!

An_Outhouse November 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Swag LIBEL!!!11!!

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Sorry, but if you want me to pay hold someone's cans, you need Michelle up there, not Joe.

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm

And a big thank you to NYPD for providing me with a good fucking reason to stay the hell away from NY this year. I'm spending the family vacation dollars somewhere else this year (assuming I don't have to spend it all on a proper Mad Max car).

Beetagger November 17, 2011 at 5:22 pm

So much for our 9/11 "heroes."

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm

We still have our firefighters and librarians. Librarians are my post-9/11 heroes.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Come to the Nor Cal coast… Beautiful coastline… windy roads to get here (plenty of puke stops along the way for the kiddies)… but please PLEASE… use the turnouts to let locals by… they know the road.

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Any further north on the Nor Cal coast and I'm in Oregon. Unless you count Orick, Trees of Mystery and Crescent City. And I'm never counting Orick or the Trees of Mystery, and Crescent City is suspect unless there's a surf competition going on.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 11:56 pm

I stole a stop sign in Orick in 83… great weekend… I think.
(Don't tell anyone)

natoslug November 18, 2011 at 12:43 am

In other words, you stole 112% of Orick's stop signs . . .

Guppy November 17, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Inb4 "big fucking deal."

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I thought we were supposed to butt-hurt the Junk Plastic Shit lobby… unless it's convenient for the campaign? I call foul.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Srsly ppl, if you have to pay for it, it isn't "swag".

glamourdammerung November 17, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I actually would throw in some money for a trinket with Biden that said "Big Fucking Deal" on it. Though that is about the only way their campaign would get money from me at this point.

weejee November 17, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Hear that Pat Buchanan has had enough of the Repug false pretenders and is going to start his own campaign. Just to show how tech savy ol' Pat is, he'll be offering personalized 5 meg hard drives as swag for the fist thousand six-figure contributors.

V572625694 November 17, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Ah, ye take me back, sonny, to the days when I had to get the company president's approval to buy a 1-gigabyte hard drive so we could load all of the topographic data for Fort Benning on one disk. It cost $6,000 and was the size of a toaster. Computer worshippers in MacWorld said you should probably put it on a marble slab so it wouldn't be juddered by earthquakes or whatever, and maybe put some crystals around it to deflect the negative energy. These were the dark days of 1990 or so, when engineering companies which had never bought anything more expensive than an IBM Selectric III for their employees to use were being asked to shell out thousands here and there to assholes like me who threatened to quit if we couldn't have the latest toys.

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 6:44 pm

There is a certain meg that I wouldn't mind inserting my hard drive into , say 5 times.

weejee November 17, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Well prairie dogs do plow the prairie.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 19, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Some of you Family Guy fans really need to dial it down a notch.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Donate today and I'll send you an autographed Musket Ball…

OneYieldRegular November 17, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I'm holding out for an official Herman Cain "I got all this stuff twirling around in my head" mood ring.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Do all the colors work?

DustBowlBlues November 17, 2011 at 10:31 pm

How about a "Oops" wash cloth imprinted with Ricky P's face? A special Mojito glass that reads, "I speak Cuban." Or a foreclosure sign with Mittens face saying, "Corporations are people, too."

I really, really, really, like that third one. I think the campaign could make some serious money is they'd roll with my ideas.

OT–anyone see Princess Nancy's response to Perry's debate challenge?

I've been busy then ill and haven't been around much. When did the ass-licking (phrase from the title song of "Marat/Sade" which isn't on DVD, or so says Netflix) trolls show up?

V572625694 November 17, 2011 at 6:31 pm

"More diodes, Princess?"
"No thanks, Daddy, but can I have some more integrated circuits?"

savethispatient November 17, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Breaking News: Cain to get Secret Service Protection.
Does he realize that the secret service won't protect him from questions from the media or allegations from groped women?

Bluestatelibel November 17, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Does he realize that some of those Secret Service might be women? And, more importantly, that'd it be pretty stupid to try to sexually assault them?

weejee November 17, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Instead of the spanking he'd be wanting, Hermie may get tazed and confused.

El Pinche November 17, 2011 at 7:50 pm

So my tax dollars are going to protect that un-electable molester ? yay!

iburl November 17, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Shouldn't the SS only be working for REAL presidential candidates? Not just an ego with shoes?

savethispatient November 18, 2011 at 2:02 am

Yes, also as a Republican candidate he should have a concealed weapons licence so be able to defend himself.
ECONOMY SAVED, YOU ARE WELCOME!

user-of-owls November 17, 2011 at 7:03 pm

When my whiny little 5-year old niece asks why she got a White House koozie for Christmas I'm gonna tell her, "Hey, I didn't have to fight the crowds, or even leave home. Quit your bitchin' already."

Then, if my cheapo brother gives me another lousy present, I'm gonna call Child Protective Services and ask if forcing your kid to look at Joe Biden's death grin every day constitutes psychological abuse.

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 8:26 pm

She'll quit bitchin' after she realizes just how cold it keeps her beerz… course, you gotta twist the cap for her as 5 year olds are weak.

user-of-owls November 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Not ours. The annual Thanksgiving Shiv-Your-Cousin Contest (10 and under division) thins out the weaklings very effectively.

El Pinche November 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm

How about "IM A BIG FUCKIN DEAL"

GuanoFaucet November 17, 2011 at 7:49 pm

"Beer koozies are for sissies."

Herman Cain

RadiosTyrone November 17, 2011 at 10:22 pm

His pizza tasted like a koozie with menstrual sauce. Just sayin'.

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I'll take a 100 cartons of Beer Koozies in the rose Garden ! We have an administration that likes BEER! And a President that can pronounce the word Nuclear ! After 8 years of W cool !

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I like Rachel Meadows, he is man pretty. Check out the size of his hands !

horsedreamer_1 November 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Perfect for the Stag beer of which I just learned in Drew Magary's JAMBAROO.

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Collectively, the congress of the United States has less backbone than a JELLYFISH !

Troglodeity November 17, 2011 at 8:26 pm

This will be valuable when Biden is elected President in 2016 and 2020.

savethispatient November 17, 2011 at 8:36 pm

I hear he's going to implement the New Fucking Deal.

Troglodeity November 17, 2011 at 8:28 pm

But "Page Not Found" would have been cool alt-text for a page about Mark Foley.

rocktonsam November 17, 2011 at 8:47 pm

like lawyers, this country has enough marketing people now.

iburl November 17, 2011 at 9:15 pm

I'm sure that the 1% of the Democratic primary voters who voted for Biden in the 2008 primaries will appreciate this koozie.

Am I supposed to understand what CHKKERS CHAMP means?

user-of-owls November 17, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Fox commentators' observations that the NYC police are displaying "remarkable restraint" really miss the mark in my opinion. I mean the Full Nelson is a decent enough restraint, but I'd hardly call it 'remarkable.'

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Wait, wait. This means that Obama's morally weak, right? I always get this mixed up.

BTW, you don't have to spend $10 for a can holder, you can get one from Herman Cain for free if you're a lady of conventionally passable attractiveness, apparently.

the latest updates report that protesters at Zuccotti Park were barricaded in by police

I couldn't be the only one that thought this as soon as they decided to put the fence around. This was kind of a given. Zuccotti Park is not a protest site, anymore; it's a pen, and if I have any advice for those down there, it's that it's time to find another spot because you're being tracked and photographed even more than you were before they penned you in. Soylent Zuccotti is…people! GTF outta there.

tribbzthesquidz November 17, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Let them eat beer koozies!

seppdecker November 17, 2011 at 9:50 pm

"CHEERS CHAMP"?! Sounds like Biden came up with this after a case of Yuengling and they let him run with it.

DustBowlBlues November 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Cut her some slack. She's funny and smart. Your screen name is stupid.

datateday November 17, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Well, I see the altext has been fixed now so I won't complain further. Also, the name doesn't make sense. I just wanted something that rolled off the tongue and into your heart. If it doesn't already do that for you, I'm not going to keep trying. Good day, kind sir and/or madam.

DustBowlBlues November 17, 2011 at 10:32 pm

It isn't all bad news. I found my recipe for Ken's cranberry relish. Wisely, I saved it on the computer. Has he posted it yet? If not, why not? It's as great as he says.

not that Dewey November 18, 2011 at 12:36 am

"Wonkette's Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business" — I'm still laughing about that from last Thxgiving.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 12:40 am

I'm still digesting that from last Thxgiving.

not that Dewey November 18, 2011 at 1:06 am

I'm still hungover from last Thxgiving.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Wait, there was a Thxgiving last year??

ttommyunger November 17, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Saw Biden's kid on C-Span the other day. He is Delaware AG, former Marine JAG Officer. He made more sense in 30 minutes than Joe has made in as many years. Nothing better than having a son grow up to be better than the old man in every way; at least that's how I feel.

tribbzthesquidz November 17, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Yes we canned.

sati_demise November 18, 2011 at 12:57 am

Even that Michelle Obama sent me a fb note today to donate. So I sent a thank you note:

Its always all about you, Michelle, and the Obama family.

But not today.

Negropolis November 18, 2011 at 7:04 am

Let's get something straight, Michelle didn't send that to you. Her office didn't even send it to you. Let's stop the personal pettiness.

freddymcmurray November 18, 2011 at 4:46 am

Stag beer was made for years solely in my home town. Around here we call it Gag beer.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Hey, you're right. That's probably where my signature Joe Biden wallet with "I'll buy this round guys" on it went! And Jofranka seemed like such a sweet, honest street urchin.

Good thing I only kept receipts there. I knew Paris could be unsafe, so I took a cue from the Louis Dega/Dustin Hoffman character in Papillon and kept all my valuables ….um … never mind.

Biff November 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Sounds like a plan…
(From the book, don't know if it made it into the movie.)

Negropolis November 18, 2011 at 2:21 am

It's the Jakooza! Run!

paris biltong November 18, 2011 at 5:31 am

Sorry you had a bad experience. They can seem a little uppity at times, especially if you are an American tourist.
The way undocumented immigrants are treated here is an embarrassment, mitigated somewhat by the fact they they get free medical care and education for their children.

Negropolis November 18, 2011 at 7:10 am

Uppity is not at all the word I'd use for them — again, I'd describe them as aggressive –, and I didn't have a bad experience in Paris. My overall experience was absolutely wonderful. That said, I've never encountered more aggressive pandhandlers and hawkers; the only city that even comes close in my experience was San Francisco. I swear, we'd get off the buses at the tourist sites and we'd literally be more than halfway surrounded by two dozen trinket sellers. My only point was that every city has their problems, and that a lot of Americans don't know about Paris' problems because the city is incredibly romanticized, over here.

DaRooster November 18, 2011 at 8:59 am

It was hung on a nail… I guess they hadn't figured out how to work a screwdriver…

not that Dewey November 18, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I managed to stay sober long enough to get the food INTO the oven. I don't remember what happened after that.

Mumbletypeg November 18, 2011 at 1:11 pm

That's "Ken Layne's Cranberry Business," which I find more satisfying to say. If I recall correctly, he dusts it off and posts it every other Tky-Day or so. I know it's older than 2010 because I remember where I was reading it some jobs ago, trying not to hiccough/ crack-up w/ laughter too obviously under my very watchful boss-lady at the time he 1st put it up here.

user-of-owls November 18, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I disagree. The issue of how drunk Dewey was is actually none of Ken Layne's Damn Cranberry Business!

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