former frontrunners

Texas Dummkopf Rick Perry Now Deemed Too Stupid To Give Money To

Rick Perry was going to save the Republicans from having to vote for a liberal Mormon from Taxachusetts, but then Rick Perry actually opened his mouth, and everybody outside of Texas realized for the first time that he’s an imbecile. It seemed Perry had everything it took to become president of America, as he is a dumb Texan governor who will do whatever he’s told by the oil companies, but these days not even his alleged supporters will give him any money.

The Houston Chronicle tells us that Perry’s once-formidable fundraising efforts have “gone into a tailspin” ever since he made the critical mistake of actually showing up to presidential debates and trying to talk to the teevee cameras. As a result, his poll numbers tanked (he’s now in fourth place), and now he’s worthless and broke.

One Perry fundraiser, who asked not to be named, said he received 15 RSVPs for a recent event from potential donors saying they might attend. But after a gaffe-marred Perry debate performance, none showed up.

“The debates have taken a toll,” the fundraiser said. “The national numbers have taken a toll. People see the campaign on a negative trajectory.”

It would appear that even Republican primary voters have some kind of baseline-minimum standard when it comes to their nominee’s intelligence! Who knew? Even the teabaggers, who think it makes perfect sense to torture people in the name of small government, are getting a little skittish about this guy.

“Texans,” however, know all about this jackoff and still keep electing him. [Houston Chronicle]

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  • nounverb911

    “Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”
    –Molly Ivins

    • mrpuma2u

      Ricky, if you are a nitwit that can't remember what branch of government you want to abolish, blame yourself!

      Crazy how quickly he went from "the man" to "the moron"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Every time the dumb sumbitch opens his mouf, he makes POTUS look like a fucking genius and a star. Shit, at this point, he'd make Attila the Hun look like a desirable alternative.

        Do they breed them a special kinda stupid in TX?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Hey, you're talking about a state government stupid enough to vote to honour the Boston Strangler -why is anyone even remotely surprised that he's as stupid as pig dribble?

      • poncho_pilot

        i've always loved that story. it pulls on my heart strings.

  • jdoleman

    Rick's youtube appeal to potential donors didn't help. He opened by telling the viewers Perry needed the money for three reasons. You can guess what happened next

    • nounverb911

      Sorry! Ooops!?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Moron libel!

    • arihaya

      isn't that the kind of libel usually directed to Huntsman and Romney?

  • Beetagger

    Oops.

  • Barb

    This should free him up to go home and pray for rain.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      He must not be too eloquent in the pray-er department either.
      My tip for Perry, if it helps, is to make sure your Deity-in-Chief speaks French, as mine does. Or seems to.. at least I seem to get moist effective results when uttering "Eau my God… EAU my God"
      etc. (probably just coincidence)

      • flamingpdog

        Maybe he can form a prayer team with Marcus, and they can shout Eau God, Eau God in unison.

  • nounverb911

    Poor Little Ricky, soon he'll have to go back to his day job executing the poors.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      It's not just a job, it's his favorite hobby, too. Also.

  • memzilla

    "People see the campaign on a negative trajectory.”

    If we were talking about an airplane, this is an interesting way of saying "crash." Many crashes are caused by pilot error — in Rick Perry's case, CFIT: "controlled flight into terrain."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Complete Failure In Television.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Backronym for the win!

  • chicken_thief

    It all started when he said he wasn't heartless. No amount of bareback riding out at Niggerhead is going to make up for that.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Dang it. I was holding out hope that it would be a buttsecks scandal that would bring down Gov. Goodhair.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      This is actually better. A buttsechs scandal could always have been planted by those evil, homo-nup-lovin' LIBZ. This way, he shot both his feet off himself, in public, before GAWD and EVUHbody. And now there isn't a Republican who wants doodly to do with him. He's never going to darken the Halls of Power with his irredeemable skanky, wrinkled, ancient flabby ass. Thankyewjezus.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The One Star State lives down to its motto.

    Texas is an anagram for "taxes". Coincidence or secret conspiracy by Perry to impose Sharia Law? Just askin' TP'ers, just askin'

    Perry should yield all his debate time to Cain, Bachmann, Gingrich, etc. Then the Repubicans will appreciate his (relative) intelligence.

    • Baconzgood

      I wish every one would yield their time to Bachmann. She's a RIOT!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        What has she said lately?

        • Baconzgood

          If she opened her mouth she said somthing stoopid. She's like that blond chick from Three's Company

          • GOPCrusher

            Suzanne Somers. She invented the Thighmaster!

    • Chichikovovich

      The trick to winning the Republican nomination is just to keep your mouth shut and let everybody else talk. That's why I'm putting my money on one of the podiums to wrap up the nomination before the last debate is completed.

      • memzilla

        Podium / Inanimate Carbon Rod 2012!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Winning team.

        • Millennial Malaise

          Aw, it was nice of Podium to select Mitt Romney as its running mate.

        • Baconzgood

          AAAAAWWWW! They were just going to show a close up of the Rod.

    • Biff

      "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Someone needs to tattoo this on every Republican where they can SEE it daily.

        • BerkeleyBear

          So, the back of Marcus Bachmann's head?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Or his ass. I'm not fussy.

        • Biff

          Tramp stamp, it is, then.

  • Callyson

    Perry loyalists say they feel a slight uptick in momentum following his self-deprecating response to the embarrassing “oops” moment at the Nov. 9 debate in Michigan.
    Um, no, what you Perry loyalists felt was actually the earth moving in response to the collective laughter generated by The Rickster's gaffes…

  • Eve8Apples

    He should stick to what he knows best. Fucking up Texas government and executing people.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm confused – wouldn't this make him an ideal POTUS?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    It's not that Texans keep electing him; it's more like the only Dems who have ever challenged him have been as exciting as arranging Ron Paul's sock drawer–think Mike Gravel without the awesome throwing a rock in the pond ad. A dug up Anne Richards would be a better candidate.

    • anniegetyerfun

      So… have you considered digging up Ann Richards? I dare say Zombie Ann might do better than Hopey, if only because she wouldn't hesitate to eat her opponents in a futile search for brains.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        I'm pretty sure Ann's brain (in it's current state) is more active than Rick's (or any of the GOP candidates).

  • Baconzgood

    Does anyone think it's funny that the Newtster is now the GOPs hope. Fucking Newt! Wow did the Tea-Baggers fuck up the Republican party or what.

    • widestanceshakedown

      All of us, Bacon.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      I get a warm, fuzzy feeling thinking about the damage that the Tea-Baggers have done to the GOP.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        A thrill goes down my leg. Starbursts!

    • Eve8Apples

      When you mix stupidity with persistence and determination, it's lethal.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I still suspect Mittens prevails, only because he has the cash to outlast the other clowns until they get to the winner takes all primary stage and can then start creating separation, but I can only hope they all pick an anti-Mitt to rally around. That way, the DNC can spend its money trying to hold onto the Senate/take back the house.

    • MzNicky

      Let's be fair here: The GrumpyOldPoopers party was pretty well on its way to fucked-upedness even before the Pee-tards came along.

    • GOPCrusher

      WHY DO THE REPUBLIKLANS HATE RICK SANTORUM?

    • fuflans

      newt is personally responsible for a lot of this crap. it's fitting he's also active at this moment of reductio ad absurdum

      but the jokes on us as they're still in control of one house and on track to get a second and maybe the presidency.

      at least according to everyone.

  • Not_So_Much

    I still think he can turn this around if he shoots another coyote puppy with a hand-cannon.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but only if its a black coyote puppy with ties to a pack in Mexico.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It would appear that even Republican primary voters have some kind of baseline-minimum standard when it comes to their nominee’s intelligence! Who knew?

    Not I. The country "elected" GW twice – that's what ruined it for Perry. Before GWB came along, people thought dumbass Texan presidents weren't that bad to have. He showed them!

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's sort of like how Clinton's cigar fetish ruined us on Dems for 8 fucking years.

  • orygoon

    Now that he knows what thankless ratdicks the rich are, he's going out to Occupy Wall Street, right?

  • Wadisay

    When he got the giggles and started hugging that little bottle of syrup in New Hampshire was the closest I have ever come to liking this guy.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Did they ever figure out who spiked that syrup, and with what?

  • poncho_pilot

    you have to at least be smart enough to follow orders. unless Cain wins the nomination then this theory is out the window.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      At least Cain can understand "extra cheese, hold the anchovies" and get the order right most of the time.

      • poncho_pilot

        i worked at a pizza shop for a while. if you can't handle using a touch screen…

  • poncho_pilot

    and what's with that picture of Perry? was he dancing in a Wham video here?

    now i want to listen to Wham.

  • samsuncle

    I'm looking forward to Louie Gohmert running in '16.

    • poncho_pilot

      from a speeding car?

      • Biff

        Into, preferably.

        • widestanceshakedown

          A parked car would do, too.

    • El Pinche

      good god no

    • flamingpdog

      for the border, puhleeze.

    • widestanceshakedown

      But, won't his tampon fall out if he runs (hell, no I have not forgotten that gem of a comment and never will I)?

    • fartknocker

      Watch Louie bring the infected ball sack Ted Poe from Beaumont as his resident V.P of stupid.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Rick Perry perfectly illustrates the Durning-Kruger Affect, which is where Charles Durning sits on your chest while Freddy Kruger scoops out your brains.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Just when you think GOP bigwigs can't get any stupider, along comes Rick Perry and blows the whole idea of there being a bottom of the barrel. It's like it's the opposite of CEO salaries, which keep getting higher and higher in spite of all sense.

    And now that I think of it, those two trends might be related.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      I'm pretty sure they are. The Peter Principle is dead.

  • PuckStopsHere

    All he has to do is secede and he can be Preznit of Texas! Yee, ha!

  • widestanceshakedown

    How do you say "ha, ha, you suck' in Cuban?

  • Schmannnity

    Pecos Perry, we hardly knew you, but that was long enough.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Here's what he needs to do to solve this problem:

    1. He needs to continue his campaign and push donors. Everyone can gaffe.
    2. Continue to meet with advisors, and show he can solve touchy problems.
    3. Uh… er…

    …EPA?

  • meatlofer

    It's O.K. executing people. a lot of them are going to die ,anyway!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    In the land of the Tejan, the guy who acts the most like Yosemite Sam is elected gubbiner.

    Seriously Tejas, what the fuck is wrong with you? I know you have some intelligent people, but once they start going on about Tejas their fucking IQs drop 60 points and it's all "Don't Fucking Mess with Tejas, Pendejo! Yeeeeeehaw!"

    Is it the dry heat? Or the chicken fried steak? Or that shitty sludge you call beer? What is it?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      It's the consequence of native american outcasts having carnal relationships with buffalo and prairie dog, then cross breeding the results- hey presto, instant Texan.

    • Eve8Apples

      They're too proud to admit ignorance. It's like they double down on the batshit crazy every time they walk in the voting booth. "You think the last guy I voted for was an idiot. Well, son, you ain't seen nothin' yet."

    • Steverino247

      The obligatory, "All of them, Katie" has to be stated.

  • hebmskebm

    If you're wondering how this guy was elected governor of the second largest state in the union not once, not twice, but thrice, you have to understand the mindset of its electorate. The typical-Texan voter logic that kept him in office all those years goes something like:

    "Jeez, there's widespread poverty everywhere, our schools are a dump, there are jobs but they pay so little you need to work three of em just to survive, and the Cowboys haven't been to the Super Bowl in over 15 years. If things are this bad with Perry, imagine how bad they'd be with a Democrat!"

  • freakishlywrong

    God..Texas Dummkopf is too stupid to take money from. Fucking Texas Dummkopf .

  • Terry

    "“Texans,” however, know all about this jackoff and still keep electing him."

    The Texas governor doesn't actually have much power. He's more of a political spokesmodel.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      "I'm too sexy for my brain! Too sexy for my brain… Intellects disdain!"

      • Generation[redacted]

        "I'm too sexy for foreign policy! Too sexy for foreign policy! Derp, I forget the third line."

  • Indiepalin

    But Rick Perry will find himself in a perfect position once Jeff Foxworthy steps down from "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

  • Lucidamente1

    Maybe it would help if he challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I love Nancy for her having just laughed at that. She's like the sober one at the bar shrugging off the blitzed sports fan who wants to pick a fight about the Longhorns, or whatever they're called.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I'm assuming that was because someone told him that if Nancy was mean to him he could target her the way the whole GOP did in 2010, but really that was about the dumbest thing I ever heard. I'm running for President, I have a bunch of crazy ideas, I can't hang in debates with other GOP freaks, I guess what I really want is to debate a woman who is twice the man I'll ever be. Yeah, that makes sense.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Nancy was on The Daily Show last week and was the same clunky, over-qualifying and indecisive public speaker that she's always been. And yet I have no doubt she could leave Rick Perry looking like a used-up scratching post after she was done.

  • Biff

    Derp.

  • An_Outhouse

    Save a pretzel for the gas jets!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhDhDRvHaGs&fe

    (Everyone on the internet has probably seen this but I'm slow and it was new to me).

  • kingcocrazy

    Good hair. Handsome smile. Dumber than roadkill armadillo.

    • MzNicky

      See, I don't find one single thing about this guy "handsome." He's just got a combination of rattlesnake-mean and rock-hard stupid that is somehow unappealing, go figure. He's "hairs on the back of my neck standing up" creepy.

  • prommie

    I made a loaf of french bread last night. My loaf of bread is smarter and much more articulate than Rick Perry.

    It bears repeating that Perry is not just a Texan, he is an Aggie. Texas has this "special" school for the feeble-minded but "trainable." Its students learn to perform basic tasks such as tying their shoes, brushing their teeth, and for the "advanced" students, wiping their hiney.

    • finallyhappy

      Did you bake it from flour and yeast- or just pre-made dough? If from scratch, you are catering the next Wonkette orgy!

      • prommie

        Flour and yeast! Gladly would I cater the orgy.

    • Oblios_Cap

      So I take it that Perry didn't qualify for the advanced classes?

    • Terry

      That's only for the Corps of Cadets and the Yell Leaders. On the other side of campus, A&M actually has good engineering and science programs.

  • flamingpdog

    I, for one, look forward to the beginning of a new, bold, and Perryless journey.

    • trondant

      Don't stop believing…

  • Goonemeritus

    I am starting to think Texas is just too insular a society, it is too easy for people to get an unrealistic appraisal of where the fit relative to national standards. On the other hand we as a country can’t have enough insulation from Texas.

    • poncho_pilot

      Texas seems to have a strange attitude towards every place that isn't Texas. like they think the rest of the world has to be make believe because Texas is the best. and when Texas is proven to be inferior? breakdown.

      as an example, my Texan sister-in-law says she's never seen racism or homophobia in Texas like she has seen in Wisconsin and that those problems are just plain worse in the northern states.

  • freakishlywrong

    It would appear that even Republican primary voters have some kind of baseline-minimum standard when it comes to their nominee’s intelligence!

    Exhibit A. Crazy Eyes Shels Bachmann
    Exhibit B. Frothy wingnut Rick Santorum. (Who's 15 minutes are coming)

  • CapeClod

    His problem is that his sentences are spoken in clear enough English that you can instantly spot a mistake. He would still be popular with the base if he spoke in some bizarre word jumble, liberally sprinkled with wing nut dog whistles, like a certain half-assed civil servant from the Klondike used to do.

  • Wilcoxyz

    You can still say batshit insane things and attract GOP donors. You can't stammer and make it seem like you don't remember or don't care about actually standing up for the batshit insane things. That's a dealbuster for the batshit insane lobby.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, but wait! Perry is now bawling that the mean uppity black man occupying the White House called Americans LAZY. The nerve!

    • finallyhappy

      Why did I click on that!!! I had to turn it off as soon as Perry started speaking. I am sure this is Texas bigotry but he sounded like Dubya to me(I have not listened to any of the debates- just the SNL recaps and the Wonkette blogs and comments)

    • Terry

      The next step is for Perry to suggest the other GOP candidates are pretty much socialists and that we'd all be better off if we were more like China.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Meanwhile, the campaign staff are running around whispering, "For god's sake don't tell him he's fourth in the polls. You know he can't get beyond the concept of second."

  • ttommyunger

    …but he really needz the munneez! As this picture clearly shows he can't even afford a belt to hold his girly-jeans up. Judging from the amount left over tail on the one he's wearing, he must have borrowed it from Newt.

  • Come here a minute

    By the same logic that Herman Cain should be president because presidents don't need to know stuff, Rick Perry should be president because presidents don't need to talk about stuff. Why don't the donors know this fact?

    • GOPCrusher

      I don't grasp the disconnect in this man's brain, when he equates his chances of being the Republiklan nominee swirling around the toilet bowl with the fact that he spoke in public.

  • DaRooster

    A sphincter says, "Yeee Haaw!"

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    But not too stupid to give guns to.

  • fartknocker

    Snark off. I find it fascincating that the Texas Republicans in the House and Senate never endorsed him. That told me that Rick was fucking toast.

    And Rick is still a Cheney-rimming scum slut.

    • GOPCrusher

      Tough row to hoe when you can't even win your home state, eh Al Gore?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Rick who?

  • owhatever

    Nothing wrong with the Rickerhead that a little Preparation H in the mouth wouldn't cure.

  • DahBoner

    Morans finally got a clue???

    And they say Texans are dumb? This sounds an awful lot like LEARNING.

    AYYYY CHIHUAHUA!!!!

  • dennis1943

    I understand Rickey said Obama was "privileged"……….to have a brain i guess…….

  • JackObin

    Texas Dummkopf? That's rather redundant.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Been there, done that. He was one of those stellar candidates I mentioned. Dude just wanted to sell some books & CDs.

  • BerkeleyBear

    So he's now mentoring Herman Cain, is that what you're saying?

  • flamingpdog

    Bless you! If I had been on the plane, the seat belt would have been the only thing keeping me from ROTFLMAO.

  • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

    ME TOO ^

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    As the story of Jonah illustrates, when God tells you to throw somebody the hell overboard, you had best listen.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "Such a shitty year for Dems," like some uncontrollable weather pattern. It wasn't a shitty year for Dems – the Dems in power, from Obama on down, dropped the fucking ball and didn't educate clueless voters about the stakes.