THE HOMOSEXUALS!  3:27 pm November 17, 2011

Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

by Evan Hurst

Bargains by Marcus!Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality.

A few months ago, a pro-America group called Truth Wins Out* decided to send an intrepid, dashing Undercover Homosexual to Marcus’s Christian Counseling Beauty Parlor in Minnesota, in order to find out if they would be willing to exorcise him of his show-tune demons, for a small fee of course. It turns out that Doctor Bachmann’s anti-gay salon was willing to try, but unfortunately that was all that happened, because Truth Wins Out didn’t actually want to de-gay the investigative reporter, for some reason.

It was all a ruse to see if the Bachmann people really were willing to try, as the Bachmann people famously did Not Answer The Question when asked, “Hey, do you ladies do that horseshit Pray Away the Gay rigamarole?” So, having acquired this information, the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines. Meanwhile, Michele’s campaign sort of fell apart, because hello, crazy!

FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY!

Dr. Marcus Bachmann was probably just sitting around, doing good deeds like frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge, because charity is a Christian virtue, when he realized that the mean undercover homosexual didn’t pay his clinic for the de-gaying services they didn’t provide, so he picked up the phone and called John and asked him for money. First he left a message!

But that wasn’t enough! Marcus and Michele Bachmann are apparently oblivious to the fact that the sexy men of Truth Wins Out would collectively hold their sides laughing, say “Funsies!,” and call everyone they had ever met in their entire lives about this, so John called Marcus back the next day so that they could have a sexy-time chat. [CLICK FOR VIDEO!] Or watch it here:

This is what the director of Truth Wins Out had to say about all this fol-de-rol:

“We call on Marcus Bachmann to immediately stop his petty and vindictive campaign of harassment and threats against our organization,” said TWO’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “Perhaps, now that Michele’s campaign is foundering, the Bachmanns are frustrated and looking for scapegoats to explain her failure. Truth Wins Out refuses to be intimidated or blackmailed by Bachmann. This bogus bill will not be paid.”

Fightin’ words! Also, the stylists at the Bachmann Beauty Parlor weren’t all that good, so no munnies, the end. [Truth Wins Out/Graphic by designer/cat photographer Monty Shane]

*Full disclosure: Truth Wins Out is actually where your Wonkette Homosexual Reporter works, for a job!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 140 comments }

Barb November 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Marcus should have his own protest now, Occupy the Hershey Highway.

Major Thom November 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Is that near the Old Jism Trail?

fartknocker November 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

That's just South of Fudge Packer Parkway

tihond November 17, 2011 at 4:15 pm

This is a cause Marcus can get behind.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

He's on it.

I can't believe y'all left yourselves wide open for that one.

deelzebub November 17, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Marcus Bachmann gets behind no man. He's a bottom, I mean, a leader.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Um … it's probably ALREADY Occupied, Barb.

Neoyorquino November 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Maybe his clients could make the gay go away on the installment plan: gay-away layaway anyone?

Generation[redacted] November 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a gay-away today.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Sounds more like an "install" plan to me.

May I install myself in your naughty bits, sir or madam?

That sort of thing.

Neoyorquino November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

These huge payments are getting painful.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I will need to examine these payments more closely.

Sue4466 November 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Aside from Dr. Nick, what other doctor makes his own billing calls?

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 17, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Hi Everybody!

poncho_pilot November 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm

1-800-DOCTORB. the B is for Bachmann.

jqheywood November 17, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Or Batshit

poncho_pilot November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

or Buttsecks.

SexySmurf November 17, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Was the Undercover Homosexual dressed like a pimp?

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 3:47 pm

No, he was undercover, so he wore a Schock-ing lilac gingham shirt, white jeans and a turquoise belt.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I love you, truly I do, but I believe you have just committed actionable defamation upon the entire fucking gay community. I mean, even *I* would never wear a turquoise belt with a lilac oh, barf.

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Oh, but someone would, Herr Burn:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Ypu-3v8taA/TgTFzOAWPWI

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Please tell me that you do not know this person. I am revoking his membership card in the LGBTQ Fraternity.

SayItWithWookies November 17, 2011 at 3:35 pm

To be fair to Marcus, he tried to pray this man's gay away, but after a few minutes his jaw got tired and he gave up.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Homosexuals are engorged with the gay the way that a cow's udder is engorged with milk. You have to treat the situations uniformly. And sometimes your hands are tired.

FlownOver November 17, 2011 at 3:35 pm

It's what keeps them together – both her campaign and his practice are hitting bottom.

Not_So_Much November 17, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Makes sense — certainly can't see him as a Top…

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Beat me to it.

Truly, he is SO not a top.

hagajim November 17, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Occupy the #bunghole!

DaRooster November 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Marcus just wishes he could get the backseat of a car with Herman Cain…

Toomush_Infer November 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Couldn't he just take it out in trade?…

fuflans November 17, 2011 at 3:38 pm

i'm not sure $150 is worth this level of publicity.

but then again, i'm not running a death spiral campaign for president.

iburl November 17, 2011 at 5:42 pm

You're also probably not living in bizarro world where gay is straight and Michele Bachman could be elected president.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Say what you will, but I bet that $150 is tax-deductible, my swishy friends!

fuflans November 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge

this is very nice evan.

now i feel compelled to grab a few from the backyard and see how it works.

LesPaultard November 17, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Please have a friend document this.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Rabies shots first.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 6:12 pm

If anyone needs tranquilizers, you know where to find me…

Jukesgrrl November 18, 2011 at 12:13 am

I'm calling PETA.

Toomush_Infer November 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

You're the man, Marcus….or maybe you're the woman, the sensible woman…oh, wait, that's the ad…geez…

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I'm confused. The gay went away. What's the problem?

elviouslyqueer November 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines

Oh Evan, I call bullshit. Precious Moments figurines are so last week. Today's Real Gay Men™ collect Bratz.

bureaucrap November 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm

as in Bratwurst? I can relate to that. They're so…thick.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Hmmm… and here I thought that gay men preferred – in addition to seeing grown men naked – movies about gladiators and spending time in Turkish prisons.

I've really got to update my sources of information.

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 4:11 pm

We also prefer seeing naked men grown (any way you spell it).

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

That hurt.

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 4:53 pm

That's what you said.

AutomaticPilot November 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I understood all of those references.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Hey, how are you doing? I hope you're being inflated on a regular basis.

yrbmegr November 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Does it count if Marcus succeeds in removing an inclination to collect Bratz?

Fare la Volpe November 18, 2011 at 11:26 am

Actually, today's savvy santoral shoppers are collecting Mermen of Fire Island.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 17, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Maybe the intrepid reporter can find another backstreet charlatan to pray away the pay?

Also, are frosted squirrels some kind of Minnesotan delicacy? Or is that a euphemism because those boy-squirrels were, you know … they'd been working out and stuff.

stopthemovie November 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Frosted squirrels There not just for breakfast anymore!!

Thedongsofwar November 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

You don't want collections coming after you. Those guys are sooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay.

poorgradstudent November 17, 2011 at 3:43 pm

There's no money-back guarantee? What a sloppy operation Marcus is running.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm

"Every closet has a silver lining."

-Marcus B.

coolhandnuke November 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Physician heal thyself.

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm

"Phony doctorate holder, blow thyself."

Fixed.

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm

He's a real doctor. A doctor of LOVE.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm

'Fraid that's the only kinda doctor he is.

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm

So is Gene Simmons, when you get right down to it.

natoslug November 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Fuck me. It's going to a hell of a lot of alcohol and time to get rid of that image. Marcus dressed in tight black leather and makeup, wriggling his tongue . . .

Lascauxcaveman November 17, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I love a good catfight. Pass the popcorn, Evan?

PuckStopsHere November 17, 2011 at 3:47 pm

How'd Michele get preggers (5x or whatev) with this guy fucking her in the ass all night?

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 3:52 pm

No way it was all night–the magazine kept falling off her back.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:36 pm

ROTFLMAO!

ShitFilledExistence November 17, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Aren't all their kids adopted?

BornInATrailer November 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Santorum can be runny at times.

jqheywood November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

eeeuuuwh

BornInATrailer November 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Sorry?

(I'm not really sorry.)

SorosBot November 17, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Probably the pool boy.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:45 pm

It's a good question, although, you know, gay men have been marrying women and begetting offspring throughout the centuries. It's just that MOST gay men would draw the line at Michele.

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm

They didn't abort. Pro-life.

YouBetcha November 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm

This headline was such a tease.

widestanceshakedown November 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm

It's the "player installation" what sent me to the WC.

Extemporanus November 17, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Marcus Bachmann is totally gay for pay.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 17, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Frosted squirrels?
Why does that make me hungry?

HarryButtle November 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

They're not just for breakfast anymore.

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm

This helps solidify his lack of professionalism. This is what the office management is for.

Baconzgood November 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm

They're pissed that you grifted their grift.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm

That'll teach 'em to try and blow the whistle on ole Marcus!

GhostBuggy November 17, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Be fair. Marcus sucked and sucked and sucked, but he could not suck the gay all the way out!

PeaceWithHonor November 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Pay away the gay.

Goonemeritus November 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Seems only fair after all wasn’t Mary Landrieu eventually forced to compensate James O’Keefe for phone repair work?

muthalovin November 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Wait, you can (try to) charge for this?!?!

Omophagist November 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

The actual article states that Bachmann fixed heterosexual all over this deadbeat's face and chest 4 or 5 times during the treatment.

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I'm giving you a +1 upfist because your avatar is from my fav South Park of all time. That is all.

Omophagist November 17, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I'll take it! I'll take like a Marcus Bachmann patient taking a hot (heterosexual) beef injection up his ass!

CapeClod November 17, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I'm sorry but it sounds like you got stiffed, Marcus.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 17, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I think he's just going to have to suck it up.

CapeClod November 17, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Take it like a man.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Grin and bare it, if you will.

glamourdammerung November 17, 2011 at 8:04 pm

That was certainly a mouthful.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Hard to swallow, even.

Clungeflaps November 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm

ALL YOUR ANUS ARE BELONG TO US

Lucidamente1 November 17, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I, for one, think Marcus would make an outstanding First Lady, sort of a less attractive Mamie Eisenhower. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mamie_Eisenhowe

ShitFilledExistence November 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

NY Post headline: BACHMANN BUTT-HURT BECAUSE HE GOT SHAFTED

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Uhhh, shouldn't it be "SHE"?

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

If his wife became President, would he still try to de-fuck gay men?

Maman November 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

What kind of billing department puts the boss on the phone for collections?

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Oh come on, I get charged for cancelled "doctor" appointments all the time.

VinnyThePooh November 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Is he asking for a bail-out?

poncho_pilot November 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm

normally Marcus would be paying a gay guy $150 for "services rendered".

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

…and in this case, it's for "blue balls maintenance"

meatlofer November 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

China doen't make their gehs pay for a reversal. Must be a LBJ great society policy.

Dr_Zoidberg November 17, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Oh, I see…first you gheys get marriage, and now you think you can get our jerbs?!

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Oh, jezus, Wonketz, what is this shit with a 'MO reporter and stuff? Would y'all just quit trying to be the cool kid? Next the 'Mos will be all proselytizing their agenda and stuff.

elfgoldsackring November 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

And shoving it down our throats.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 8:34 pm

I thought "shoving it down their throats" was reserved for the straight RWNJ Christians. I mean, they complain the loudest and all.

glamourdammerung November 17, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I mean, they complain the loudest and all.

Especially if you slow down while shoving it in.

Herring_Burnit November 18, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Marcus been whining again?

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Evan Hurst is awesome and this post is awesome and so STFU, OK?

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Que? Que the Fuck?! Sharkey, you've become unstable. GOD.

Chet Kincaid November 17, 2011 at 6:10 pm

I hear the LGBBQs are just like Hare Krishna feasts – they tempt you with pulled pork, and the next thing you know, you're smacking a tambourine!

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 8:34 pm

You gotta watch yourself around them queer folk, I'm tellin' ya.

stopthemovie November 17, 2011 at 4:55 pm

$150 bucks wow this guy makes you pay out the ass!

actor212 November 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

"So, John…what are you wearing?"

chascates November 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Does the clinic offer a 'gay gone or double your money back' guarantee?

Sharkey November 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

replace 'money back' with 'money shot'

Puffperney November 17, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Maybe he would take it out in trade?

Nostrildamus November 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

…frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels…

Time to fire up UrbanDictionary again.

randoracer November 17, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Wait. What was that phone number again? I was thinking maybe people should call it to schedule appointments. They accept Medicare, don't they?

iburl November 17, 2011 at 5:40 pm

$150 can get you quite a deal at rentboy.com on Philippino Pthursdays.

SheriffRoscoe November 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Marcus wants to send this to a collection agency? Over a missed appointment kerfuffle? Puh-lease! I'd be all "oh yeah bitch you go right ahead!!" Marcus wants to go to the trouble headache and expense over a piddly $150 when it all basically comes down to an issue over whether Becker gave his cracker jack therapy service enough notice for an appointment cancellation. Damn. He's just as business stupid as he is closeted.

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Marcus Bachman, is a ridiculous character ,almost as ridiculous as his wife.If your a gay doctor what better cover could you have than working in a Pray for Gay clinic ? My guess is when he dose the patients prostate exams he has both of his hands on they're shoulders.

UpstateYorkee November 17, 2011 at 6:21 pm

The funniest / most tragic part of this whole story, is that Bachmann's campaign is so disheveled that they let him drag this whole thing into the media again. Are they actively trying to self-destruct?

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Speaking of prostate exams I think my doctors nurse is going deaf. Halfway through the examination she brings him in a beer. He turns to her ,and says " No, Ms. Henderson; I said a Butt light "! Kind of embarrassing .

Rotundo_ November 17, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Any normal political campaign would have just said "let it go Marcus" gave him the money out of the food budget and focused on other more important issues, but no, this bunch thinks it's a good idea to give a second round of hilarity to us all by dragging it out into the media again. Michele just can't be outdone in "stupid". Perry or Cain may fire a few salvos of stupid, and she has to fire another one just so one cannot say that she didn't say or do something idiotic this week. The good news is, the money has to run out *sometime*. Doesn't it?

chascates November 17, 2011 at 8:28 pm

You'll have to admit "The Bachmanns" as a TV comedy would be hilarious. Especially if Marcus and Michele play themselves by which I mean we just record their actual lives through concealed cameras. Hell, I'll pay $10 a month to watch!

grex1949 November 17, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Marcus isn't playing around here. The next call will be to Jeebus, who takes care of all the collection work at the clinic.

Herring_Burnit November 18, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Jeebus? Fuck, no. If he had any smarts, he'd go with The Other Guy. (Where's Biel_ze_Bubba when you need him?)

ttommyunger November 17, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Ass, grass or cash; nobody's cured for free, buddy. Oh, Puhleeeez make it ass…

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:24 pm

cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines.

And, really, at the end of the day, isn't what every America wants?

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Shorter Marcus: Where's my money, bitch?

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 3:54 pm

So if I don't like a post, I can't say "Get a job, Moocher!"?

Damn, I was saving that one for the right moment.

jqheywood November 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Must..find…..mind….bleach…..

KeepFnThatChicken November 17, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I KNEW that big fuck was a leather man.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Somebody's jealous.

deelzebub November 17, 2011 at 9:41 pm

That guy is "completely straight" Republican Congressman Aaron Shock of Peoria Illinois. Yes, no doubt about it. Completely straight. That guy loves pussy. You betcha.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 9:50 pm

He can hate pussy as much as he wants to, you don't GET in the GayMensClub without SOME kinda taste, and lilac gingham button-downs with a turquoise belt ain't cuttin' it,babe.

deelzebub November 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Well, you see, since he's a closeted self-hater actively working to deny his people rights, they won't let him in the club. Thus, denying him access to the Holy Gay Bible of Fabulousness. He is doomed to walk the Earth in a purgatory of tragic tackiness.

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