the homosexuals!

Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

Bargains by Marcus!Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality.

A few months ago, a pro-America group called Truth Wins Out* decided to send an intrepid, dashing Undercover Homosexual to Marcus’s Christian Counseling Beauty Parlor in Minnesota, in order to find out if they would be willing to exorcise him of his show-tune demons, for a small fee of course. It turns out that Doctor Bachmann’s anti-gay salon was willing to try, but unfortunately that was all that happened, because Truth Wins Out didn’t actually want to de-gay the investigative reporter, for some reason.

It was all a ruse to see if the Bachmann people really were willing to try, as the Bachmann people famously did Not Answer The Question when asked, “Hey, do you ladies do that horseshit Pray Away the Gay rigamarole?” So, having acquired this information, the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines. Meanwhile, Michele’s campaign sort of fell apart, because hello, crazy!


Dr. Marcus Bachmann was probably just sitting around, doing good deeds like frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge, because charity is a Christian virtue, when he realized that the mean undercover homosexual didn’t pay his clinic for the de-gaying services they didn’t provide, so he picked up the phone and called John and asked him for money. First he left a message!

But that wasn’t enough! Marcus and Michele Bachmann are apparently oblivious to the fact that the sexy men of Truth Wins Out would collectively hold their sides laughing, say “Funsies!,” and call everyone they had ever met in their entire lives about this, so John called Marcus back the next day so that they could have a sexy-time chat. [CLICK FOR VIDEO!] Or watch it here:

This is what the director of Truth Wins Out had to say about all this fol-de-rol:

“We call on Marcus Bachmann to immediately stop his petty and vindictive campaign of harassment and threats against our organization,” said TWO’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “Perhaps, now that Michele’s campaign is foundering, the Bachmanns are frustrated and looking for scapegoats to explain her failure. Truth Wins Out refuses to be intimidated or blackmailed by Bachmann. This bogus bill will not be paid.”

Fightin’ words! Also, the stylists at the Bachmann Beauty Parlor weren’t all that good, so no munnies, the end. [Truth Wins Out/Graphic by designer/cat photographer Monty Shane]

*Full disclosure: Truth Wins Out is actually where your Wonkette Homosexual Reporter works, for a job!

About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst
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    1. widestanceshakedown

      No, he was undercover, so he wore a Schock-ing lilac gingham shirt, white jeans and a turquoise belt.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        I love you, truly I do, but I believe you have just committed actionable defamation upon the entire fucking gay community. I mean, even *I* would never wear a turquoise belt with a lilac oh, barf.

          1. deelzebub

            That guy is "completely straight" Republican Congressman Aaron Shock of Peoria Illinois. Yes, no doubt about it. Completely straight. That guy loves pussy. You betcha.

          2. Herring_Burnit

            He can hate pussy as much as he wants to, you don't GET in the GayMensClub without SOME kinda taste, and lilac gingham button-downs with a turquoise belt ain't cuttin' it,babe.

          3. deelzebub

            Well, you see, since he's a closeted self-hater actively working to deny his people rights, they won't let him in the club. Thus, denying him access to the Holy Gay Bible of Fabulousness. He is doomed to walk the Earth in a purgatory of tragic tackiness.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    To be fair to Marcus, he tried to pray this man's gay away, but after a few minutes his jaw got tired and he gave up.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Homosexuals are engorged with the gay the way that a cow's udder is engorged with milk. You have to treat the situations uniformly. And sometimes your hands are tired.

  2. fuflans

    i'm not sure $150 is worth this level of publicity.

    but then again, i'm not running a death spiral campaign for president.

    1. iburl

      You're also probably not living in bizarro world where gay is straight and Michele Bachman could be elected president.

  3. fuflans

    frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge

    this is very nice evan.

    now i feel compelled to grab a few from the backyard and see how it works.

  4. Toomush_Infer

    You're the man, Marcus….or maybe you're the woman, the sensible woman…oh, wait, that's the ad…geez…

  5. elviouslyqueer

    the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines

    Oh Evan, I call bullshit. Precious Moments figurines are so last week. Today's Real Gay Men™ collect Bratz.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Hmmm… and here I thought that gay men preferred – in addition to seeing grown men naked – movies about gladiators and spending time in Turkish prisons.

      I've really got to update my sources of information.

  6. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Maybe the intrepid reporter can find another backstreet charlatan to pray away the pay?

    Also, are frosted squirrels some kind of Minnesotan delicacy? Or is that a euphemism because those boy-squirrels were, you know … they'd been working out and stuff.

          1. natoslug

            Fuck me. It's going to a hell of a lot of alcohol and time to get rid of that image. Marcus dressed in tight black leather and makeup, wriggling his tongue . . .

    1. Herring_Burnit

      It's a good question, although, you know, gay men have been marrying women and begetting offspring throughout the centuries. It's just that MOST gay men would draw the line at Michele.

  7. Goonemeritus

    Seems only fair after all wasn’t Mary Landrieu eventually forced to compensate James O’Keefe for phone repair work?

  8. Omophagist

    The actual article states that Bachmann fixed heterosexual all over this deadbeat's face and chest 4 or 5 times during the treatment.

      1. Omophagist

        I'll take it! I'll take like a Marcus Bachmann patient taking a hot (heterosexual) beef injection up his ass!

  9. Herring_Burnit

    Oh, jezus, Wonketz, what is this shit with a 'MO reporter and stuff? Would y'all just quit trying to be the cool kid? Next the 'Mos will be all proselytizing their agenda and stuff.

  10. randoracer

    Wait. What was that phone number again? I was thinking maybe people should call it to schedule appointments. They accept Medicare, don't they?

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    Marcus wants to send this to a collection agency? Over a missed appointment kerfuffle? Puh-lease! I'd be all "oh yeah bitch you go right ahead!!" Marcus wants to go to the trouble headache and expense over a piddly $150 when it all basically comes down to an issue over whether Becker gave his cracker jack therapy service enough notice for an appointment cancellation. Damn. He's just as business stupid as he is closeted.

  12. sbj1964

    Marcus Bachman, is a ridiculous character ,almost as ridiculous as his wife.If your a gay doctor what better cover could you have than working in a Pray for Gay clinic ? My guess is when he dose the patients prostate exams he has both of his hands on they're shoulders.

  13. UpstateYorkee

    The funniest / most tragic part of this whole story, is that Bachmann's campaign is so disheveled that they let him drag this whole thing into the media again. Are they actively trying to self-destruct?

  14. sbj1964

    Speaking of prostate exams I think my doctors nurse is going deaf. Halfway through the examination she brings him in a beer. He turns to her ,and says " No, Ms. Henderson; I said a Butt light "! Kind of embarrassing .

  15. Rotundo_

    Any normal political campaign would have just said "let it go Marcus" gave him the money out of the food budget and focused on other more important issues, but no, this bunch thinks it's a good idea to give a second round of hilarity to us all by dragging it out into the media again. Michele just can't be outdone in "stupid". Perry or Cain may fire a few salvos of stupid, and she has to fire another one just so one cannot say that she didn't say or do something idiotic this week. The good news is, the money has to run out *sometime*. Doesn't it?

  16. chascates

    You'll have to admit "The Bachmanns" as a TV comedy would be hilarious. Especially if Marcus and Michele play themselves by which I mean we just record their actual lives through concealed cameras. Hell, I'll pay $10 a month to watch!

  17. grex1949

    Marcus isn't playing around here. The next call will be to Jeebus, who takes care of all the collection work at the clinic.

  18. Negropolis

    cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines.

    And, really, at the end of the day, isn't what every America wants?

  19. Chichikovovich

    So if I don't like a post, I can't say "Get a job, Moocher!"?

    Damn, I was saving that one for the right moment.

Comments are closed.