the homosexuals!

Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

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Bargains by Marcus!Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality.

A few months ago, a pro-America group called Truth Wins Out* decided to send an intrepid, dashing Undercover Homosexual to Marcus’s Christian Counseling Beauty Parlor in Minnesota, in order to find out if they would be willing to exorcise him of his show-tune demons, for a small fee of course. It turns out that Doctor Bachmann’s anti-gay salon was willing to try, but unfortunately that was all that happened, because Truth Wins Out didn’t actually want to de-gay the investigative reporter, for some reason.

It was all a ruse to see if the Bachmann people really were willing to try, as the Bachmann people famously did Not Answer The Question when asked, “Hey, do you ladies do that horseshit Pray Away the Gay rigamarole?” So, having acquired this information, the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines. Meanwhile, Michele’s campaign sort of fell apart, because hello, crazy!

FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY!

Dr. Marcus Bachmann was probably just sitting around, doing good deeds like frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge, because charity is a Christian virtue, when he realized that the mean undercover homosexual didn’t pay his clinic for the de-gaying services they didn’t provide, so he picked up the phone and called John and asked him for money. First he left a message!

But that wasn’t enough! Marcus and Michele Bachmann are apparently oblivious to the fact that the sexy men of Truth Wins Out would collectively hold their sides laughing, say “Funsies!,” and call everyone they had ever met in their entire lives about this, so John called Marcus back the next day so that they could have a sexy-time chat. [CLICK FOR VIDEO!] Or watch it here:

This is what the director of Truth Wins Out had to say about all this fol-de-rol:

“We call on Marcus Bachmann to immediately stop his petty and vindictive campaign of harassment and threats against our organization,” said TWO’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “Perhaps, now that Michele’s campaign is foundering, the Bachmanns are frustrated and looking for scapegoats to explain her failure. Truth Wins Out refuses to be intimidated or blackmailed by Bachmann. This bogus bill will not be paid.”

Fightin’ words! Also, the stylists at the Bachmann Beauty Parlor weren’t all that good, so no munnies, the end. [Truth Wins Out/Graphic by designer/cat photographer Monty Shane]

Sponsored Intermission

*Full disclosure: Truth Wins Out is actually where your Wonkette Homosexual Reporter works, for a job!

About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Marcus should have his own protest now, Occupy the Hershey Highway.

    • Major Thom

      Is that near the Old Jism Trail?

    • fartknocker

      That's just South of Fudge Packer Parkway

    • tihond

      This is a cause Marcus can get behind.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        He's on it.

        I can't believe y'all left yourselves wide open for that one.

      • deelzebub

        Marcus Bachmann gets behind no man. He's a bottom, I mean, a leader.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Um … it's probably ALREADY Occupied, Barb.

  • Neoyorquino

    Maybe his clients could make the gay go away on the installment plan: gay-away layaway anyone?

    • Generation[redacted]

      I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a gay-away today.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Sounds more like an "install" plan to me.

      May I install myself in your naughty bits, sir or madam?

      That sort of thing.

      • Neoyorquino

        These huge payments are getting painful.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          I will need to examine these payments more closely.

  • Sue4466

    Aside from Dr. Nick, what other doctor makes his own billing calls?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Hi Everybody!

      • poncho_pilot

        1-800-DOCTORB. the B is for Bachmann.

        • jqheywood

          Or Batshit

          • poncho_pilot

            or Buttsecks.

  • SexySmurf

    Was the Undercover Homosexual dressed like a pimp?

    • widestanceshakedown

      No, he was undercover, so he wore a Schock-ing lilac gingham shirt, white jeans and a turquoise belt.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I love you, truly I do, but I believe you have just committed actionable defamation upon the entire fucking gay community. I mean, even *I* would never wear a turquoise belt with a lilac oh, barf.

        • widestanceshakedown

          Oh, but someone would, Herr Burn:
          http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Ypu-3v8taA/TgTFzOAWPWI

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Please tell me that you do not know this person. I am revoking his membership card in the LGBTQ Fraternity.

          • deelzebub

            That guy is "completely straight" Republican Congressman Aaron Shock of Peoria Illinois. Yes, no doubt about it. Completely straight. That guy loves pussy. You betcha.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            He can hate pussy as much as he wants to, you don't GET in the GayMensClub without SOME kinda taste, and lilac gingham button-downs with a turquoise belt ain't cuttin' it,babe.

          • deelzebub

            Well, you see, since he's a closeted self-hater actively working to deny his people rights, they won't let him in the club. Thus, denying him access to the Holy Gay Bible of Fabulousness. He is doomed to walk the Earth in a purgatory of tragic tackiness.

  • SayItWithWookies

    To be fair to Marcus, he tried to pray this man's gay away, but after a few minutes his jaw got tired and he gave up.

    • Chichikovovich

      Homosexuals are engorged with the gay the way that a cow's udder is engorged with milk. You have to treat the situations uniformly. And sometimes your hands are tired.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    It's what keeps them together – both her campaign and his practice are hitting bottom.

    • Not_So_Much

      Makes sense — certainly can't see him as a Top…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Beat me to it.

        Truly, he is SO not a top.

  • hagajim

    Occupy the #bunghole!

  • DaRooster

    Marcus just wishes he could get the backseat of a car with Herman Cain…

  • Toomush_Infer

    Couldn't he just take it out in trade?…

  • fuflans

    i'm not sure $150 is worth this level of publicity.

    but then again, i'm not running a death spiral campaign for president.

    • iburl

      You're also probably not living in bizarro world where gay is straight and Michele Bachman could be elected president.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Say what you will, but I bet that $150 is tax-deductible, my swishy friends!

  • fuflans

    frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge

    this is very nice evan.

    now i feel compelled to grab a few from the backyard and see how it works.

    • LesPaultard

      Please have a friend document this.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Rabies shots first.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      If anyone needs tranquilizers, you know where to find me…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I'm calling PETA.

  • Toomush_Infer

    You're the man, Marcus….or maybe you're the woman, the sensible woman…oh, wait, that's the ad…geez…

  • widestanceshakedown

    I'm confused. The gay went away. What's the problem?

  • elviouslyqueer

    the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines

    Oh Evan, I call bullshit. Precious Moments figurines are so last week. Today's Real Gay Men™ collect Bratz.

    • bureaucrap

      as in Bratwurst? I can relate to that. They're so…thick.

    • Chichikovovich

      Hmmm… and here I thought that gay men preferred – in addition to seeing grown men naked – movies about gladiators and spending time in Turkish prisons.

      I've really got to update my sources of information.

      • widestanceshakedown

        We also prefer seeing naked men grown (any way you spell it).

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          That hurt.

          • widestanceshakedown

            That's what you said.

      • AutomaticPilot

        I understood all of those references.

        • Chichikovovich

          Hey, how are you doing? I hope you're being inflated on a regular basis.

    • yrbmegr

      Does it count if Marcus succeeds in removing an inclination to collect Bratz?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Actually, today's savvy santoral shoppers are collecting Mermen of Fire Island.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Maybe the intrepid reporter can find another backstreet charlatan to pray away the pay?

    Also, are frosted squirrels some kind of Minnesotan delicacy? Or is that a euphemism because those boy-squirrels were, you know … they'd been working out and stuff.

    • stopthemovie

      Frosted squirrels There not just for breakfast anymore!!

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    You don't want collections coming after you. Those guys are sooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay.

  • poorgradstudent

    There's no money-back guarantee? What a sloppy operation Marcus is running.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    "Every closet has a silver lining."

    -Marcus B.

  • coolhandnuke

    Physician heal thyself.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      "Phony doctorate holder, blow thyself."

      Fixed.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        He's a real doctor. A doctor of LOVE.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          'Fraid that's the only kinda doctor he is.

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          So is Gene Simmons, when you get right down to it.

          • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

            Fuck me. It's going to a hell of a lot of alcohol and time to get rid of that image. Marcus dressed in tight black leather and makeup, wriggling his tongue . . .

          • jqheywood

            Must..find…..mind….bleach…..

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            I KNEW that big fuck was a leather man.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I love a good catfight. Pass the popcorn, Evan?

  • PuckStopsHere

    How'd Michele get preggers (5x or whatev) with this guy fucking her in the ass all night?

    • widestanceshakedown

      No way it was all night–the magazine kept falling off her back.

      • Negropolis

        ROTFLMAO!

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Aren't all their kids adopted?

    • BornInATrailer

      Santorum can be runny at times.

      • jqheywood

        eeeuuuwh

        • BornInATrailer

          Sorry?

          (I'm not really sorry.)

    • SorosBot

      Probably the pool boy.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      It's a good question, although, you know, gay men have been marrying women and begetting offspring throughout the centuries. It's just that MOST gay men would draw the line at Michele.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      They didn't abort. Pro-life.

  • YouBetcha

    This headline was such a tease.

    • widestanceshakedown

      It's the "player installation" what sent me to the WC.

  • Extemporanus

    Marcus Bachmann is totally gay for pay.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Frosted squirrels?
    Why does that make me hungry?

    • HarryButtle

      They're not just for breakfast anymore.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    This helps solidify his lack of professionalism. This is what the office management is for.

  • Baconzgood

    They're pissed that you grifted their grift.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      That'll teach 'em to try and blow the whistle on ole Marcus!

  • GhostBuggy

    Be fair. Marcus sucked and sucked and sucked, but he could not suck the gay all the way out!

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Pay away the gay.

  • Goonemeritus

    Seems only fair after all wasn’t Mary Landrieu eventually forced to compensate James O’Keefe for phone repair work?

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    Wait, you can (try to) charge for this?!?!

  • Omophagist

    The actual article states that Bachmann fixed heterosexual all over this deadbeat's face and chest 4 or 5 times during the treatment.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      I'm giving you a +1 upfist because your avatar is from my fav South Park of all time. That is all.

      • Omophagist

        I'll take it! I'll take like a Marcus Bachmann patient taking a hot (heterosexual) beef injection up his ass!

  • CapeClod

    I'm sorry but it sounds like you got stiffed, Marcus.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      I think he's just going to have to suck it up.

      • CapeClod

        Take it like a man.

        • Negropolis

          Grin and bare it, if you will.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      That was certainly a mouthful.

      • Negropolis

        Hard to swallow, even.

  • Clungeflaps

    ALL YOUR ANUS ARE BELONG TO US

  • Lucidamente1

    I, for one, think Marcus would make an outstanding First Lady, sort of a less attractive Mamie Eisenhower. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mamie_Eisenhowe

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    NY Post headline: BACHMANN BUTT-HURT BECAUSE HE GOT SHAFTED

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Uhhh, shouldn't it be "SHE"?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    If his wife became President, would he still try to de-fuck gay men?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    What kind of billing department puts the boss on the phone for collections?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Oh come on, I get charged for cancelled "doctor" appointments all the time.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Is he asking for a bail-out?

  • poncho_pilot

    normally Marcus would be paying a gay guy $150 for "services rendered".

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …and in this case, it's for "blue balls maintenance"

  • meatlofer

    China doen't make their gehs pay for a reversal. Must be a LBJ great society policy.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh, I see…first you gheys get marriage, and now you think you can get our jerbs?!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

    Oh, jezus, Wonketz, what is this shit with a 'MO reporter and stuff? Would y'all just quit trying to be the cool kid? Next the 'Mos will be all proselytizing their agenda and stuff.

    • elfgoldsackring

      And shoving it down our throats.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I thought "shoving it down their throats" was reserved for the straight RWNJ Christians. I mean, they complain the loudest and all.

        • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

          I mean, they complain the loudest and all.

          Especially if you slow down while shoving it in.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Marcus been whining again?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Evan Hurst is awesome and this post is awesome and so STFU, OK?

      • Negropolis

        Que? Que the Fuck?! Sharkey, you've become unstable. GOD.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I hear the LGBBQs are just like Hare Krishna feasts – they tempt you with pulled pork, and the next thing you know, you're smacking a tambourine!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        You gotta watch yourself around them queer folk, I'm tellin' ya.

  • stopthemovie

    $150 bucks wow this guy makes you pay out the ass!

  • actor212

    "So, John…what are you wearing?"

  • chascates

    Does the clinic offer a 'gay gone or double your money back' guarantee?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      replace 'money back' with 'money shot'

  • Puffperney

    Maybe he would take it out in trade?

  • Nostrildamus

    …frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels…

    Time to fire up UrbanDictionary again.

  • randoracer

    Wait. What was that phone number again? I was thinking maybe people should call it to schedule appointments. They accept Medicare, don't they?

  • iburl

    $150 can get you quite a deal at rentboy.com on Philippino Pthursdays.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Marcus wants to send this to a collection agency? Over a missed appointment kerfuffle? Puh-lease! I'd be all "oh yeah bitch you go right ahead!!" Marcus wants to go to the trouble headache and expense over a piddly $150 when it all basically comes down to an issue over whether Becker gave his cracker jack therapy service enough notice for an appointment cancellation. Damn. He's just as business stupid as he is closeted.

  • sbj1964

    Marcus Bachman, is a ridiculous character ,almost as ridiculous as his wife.If your a gay doctor what better cover could you have than working in a Pray for Gay clinic ? My guess is when he dose the patients prostate exams he has both of his hands on they're shoulders.

  • UpstateYorkee

    The funniest / most tragic part of this whole story, is that Bachmann's campaign is so disheveled that they let him drag this whole thing into the media again. Are they actively trying to self-destruct?

  • sbj1964

    Speaking of prostate exams I think my doctors nurse is going deaf. Halfway through the examination she brings him in a beer. He turns to her ,and says " No, Ms. Henderson; I said a Butt light "! Kind of embarrassing .

  • Rotundo_

    Any normal political campaign would have just said "let it go Marcus" gave him the money out of the food budget and focused on other more important issues, but no, this bunch thinks it's a good idea to give a second round of hilarity to us all by dragging it out into the media again. Michele just can't be outdone in "stupid". Perry or Cain may fire a few salvos of stupid, and she has to fire another one just so one cannot say that she didn't say or do something idiotic this week. The good news is, the money has to run out *sometime*. Doesn't it?

  • chascates

    You'll have to admit "The Bachmanns" as a TV comedy would be hilarious. Especially if Marcus and Michele play themselves by which I mean we just record their actual lives through concealed cameras. Hell, I'll pay $10 a month to watch!

  • grex1949

    Marcus isn't playing around here. The next call will be to Jeebus, who takes care of all the collection work at the clinic.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Jeebus? Fuck, no. If he had any smarts, he'd go with The Other Guy. (Where's Biel_ze_Bubba when you need him?)

  • ttommyunger

    Ass, grass or cash; nobody's cured for free, buddy. Oh, Puhleeeez make it ass…

  • Negropolis

    cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines.

    And, really, at the end of the day, isn't what every America wants?

  • Negropolis

    Shorter Marcus: Where's my money, bitch?

  • Chichikovovich

    So if I don't like a post, I can't say "Get a job, Moocher!"?

    Damn, I was saving that one for the right moment.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

    Somebody's jealous.