Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality.
A few months ago, a pro-America group called Truth Wins Out* decided to send an intrepid, dashing Undercover Homosexual to Marcus’s Christian Counseling Beauty Parlor in Minnesota, in order to find out if they would be willing to exorcise him of his show-tune demons, for a small fee of course. It turns out that Doctor Bachmann’s anti-gay salon was willing to try, but unfortunately that was all that happened, because Truth Wins Out didn’t actually want to de-gay the investigative reporter, for some reason.
It was all a ruse to see if the Bachmann people really were willing to try, as the Bachmann people famously did Not Answer The Question when asked, “Hey, do you ladies do that horseshit Pray Away the Gay rigamarole?” So, having acquired this information, the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines. Meanwhile, Michele’s campaign sort of fell apart, because hello, crazy!
FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY!
Dr. Marcus Bachmann was probably just sitting around, doing good deeds like frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge, because charity is a Christian virtue, when he realized that the mean undercover homosexual didn’t pay his clinic for the de-gaying services they didn’t provide, so he picked up the phone and called John and asked him for money. First he left a message!
But that wasn’t enough! Marcus and Michele Bachmann are apparently oblivious to the fact that the sexy men of Truth Wins Out would collectively hold their sides laughing, say “Funsies!,” and call everyone they had ever met in their entire lives about this, so John called Marcus back the next day so that they could have a sexy-time chat. [CLICK FOR VIDEO!] Or watch it here:
This is what the director of Truth Wins Out had to say about all this fol-de-rol:
“We call on Marcus Bachmann to immediately stop his petty and vindictive campaign of harassment and threats against our organization,” said TWO’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “Perhaps, now that Michele’s campaign is foundering, the Bachmanns are frustrated and looking for scapegoats to explain her failure. Truth Wins Out refuses to be intimidated or blackmailed by Bachmann. This bogus bill will not be paid.”
Fightin’ words! Also, the stylists at the Bachmann Beauty Parlor weren’t all that good, so no munnies, the end. [Truth Wins Out/Graphic by designer/cat photographer Monty Shane]
*Full disclosure: Truth Wins Out is actually where your Wonkette Homosexual Reporter works, for a job!
{ 140 comments }
Marcus should have his own protest now, Occupy the Hershey Highway.
Is that near the Old Jism Trail?
That's just South of Fudge Packer Parkway
This is a cause Marcus can get behind.
He's on it.
I can't believe y'all left yourselves wide open for that one.
Marcus Bachmann gets behind no man. He's a bottom, I mean, a leader.
Um … it's probably ALREADY Occupied, Barb.
Maybe his clients could make the gay go away on the installment plan: gay-away layaway anyone?
I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a gay-away today.
Sounds more like an "install" plan to me.
May I install myself in your naughty bits, sir or madam?
That sort of thing.
These huge payments are getting painful.
I will need to examine these payments more closely.
Aside from Dr. Nick, what other doctor makes his own billing calls?
Hi Everybody!
1-800-DOCTORB. the B is for Bachmann.
Or Batshit
or Buttsecks.
Was the Undercover Homosexual dressed like a pimp?
No, he was undercover, so he wore a Schock-ing lilac gingham shirt, white jeans and a turquoise belt.
I love you, truly I do, but I believe you have just committed actionable defamation upon the entire fucking gay community. I mean, even *I* would never wear a turquoise belt with a lilac oh, barf.
Oh, but someone would, Herr Burn:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Ypu-3v8taA/TgTFzOAWPWI…
Please tell me that you do not know this person. I am revoking his membership card in the LGBTQ Fraternity.
To be fair to Marcus, he tried to pray this man's gay away, but after a few minutes his jaw got tired and he gave up.
Homosexuals are engorged with the gay the way that a cow's udder is engorged with milk. You have to treat the situations uniformly. And sometimes your hands are tired.
It's what keeps them together – both her campaign and his practice are hitting bottom.
Makes sense — certainly can't see him as a Top…
Beat me to it.
Truly, he is SO not a top.
Occupy the #bunghole!
Marcus just wishes he could get the backseat of a car with Herman Cain…
Couldn't he just take it out in trade?…
i'm not sure $150 is worth this level of publicity.
but then again, i'm not running a death spiral campaign for president.
You're also probably not living in bizarro world where gay is straight and Michele Bachman could be elected president.
Say what you will, but I bet that $150 is tax-deductible, my swishy friends!
frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge
this is very nice evan.
now i feel compelled to grab a few from the backyard and see how it works.
Please have a friend document this.
Rabies shots first.
If anyone needs tranquilizers, you know where to find me…
I'm calling PETA.
You're the man, Marcus….or maybe you're the woman, the sensible woman…oh, wait, that's the ad…geez…
I'm confused. The gay went away. What's the problem?
the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines
Oh Evan, I call bullshit. Precious Moments figurines are so last week. Today's Real Gay Men™ collect Bratz.
as in Bratwurst? I can relate to that. They're so…thick.
Hmmm… and here I thought that gay men preferred – in addition to seeing grown men naked – movies about gladiators and spending time in Turkish prisons.
I've really got to update my sources of information.
We also prefer seeing naked men grown (any way you spell it).
That hurt.
That's what you said.
I understood all of those references.
Hey, how are you doing? I hope you're being inflated on a regular basis.
Does it count if Marcus succeeds in removing an inclination to collect Bratz?
Actually, today's savvy santoral shoppers are collecting Mermen of Fire Island.
Maybe the intrepid reporter can find another backstreet charlatan to pray away the pay?
Also, are frosted squirrels some kind of Minnesotan delicacy? Or is that a euphemism because those boy-squirrels were, you know … they'd been working out and stuff.
Frosted squirrels There not just for breakfast anymore!!
You don't want collections coming after you. Those guys are sooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay.
There's no money-back guarantee? What a sloppy operation Marcus is running.
"Every closet has a silver lining."
-Marcus B.
Physician heal thyself.
"Phony doctorate holder, blow thyself."
Fixed.
He's a real doctor. A doctor of LOVE.
'Fraid that's the only kinda doctor he is.
So is Gene Simmons, when you get right down to it.
Fuck me. It's going to a hell of a lot of alcohol and time to get rid of that image. Marcus dressed in tight black leather and makeup, wriggling his tongue . . .
I love a good catfight. Pass the popcorn, Evan?
How'd Michele get preggers (5x or whatev) with this guy fucking her in the ass all night?
No way it was all night–the magazine kept falling off her back.
ROTFLMAO!
Aren't all their kids adopted?
Santorum can be runny at times.
eeeuuuwh
Sorry?
(I'm not really sorry.)
Probably the pool boy.
It's a good question, although, you know, gay men have been marrying women and begetting offspring throughout the centuries. It's just that MOST gay men would draw the line at Michele.
They didn't abort. Pro-life.
This headline was such a tease.
It's the "player installation" what sent me to the WC.
Marcus Bachmann is totally gay for pay.
Frosted squirrels?
Why does that make me hungry?
They're not just for breakfast anymore.
This helps solidify his lack of professionalism. This is what the office management is for.
They're pissed that you grifted their grift.
That'll teach 'em to try and blow the whistle on ole Marcus!
Be fair. Marcus sucked and sucked and sucked, but he could not suck the gay all the way out!
Pay away the gay.
Seems only fair after all wasn’t Mary Landrieu eventually forced to compensate James O’Keefe for phone repair work?
Wait, you can (try to) charge for this?!?!
The actual article states that Bachmann fixed heterosexual all over this deadbeat's face and chest 4 or 5 times during the treatment.
I'm giving you a +1 upfist because your avatar is from my fav South Park of all time. That is all.
I'll take it! I'll take like a Marcus Bachmann patient taking a hot (heterosexual) beef injection up his ass!
I'm sorry but it sounds like you got stiffed, Marcus.
I think he's just going to have to suck it up.
Take it like a man.
Grin and bare it, if you will.
That was certainly a mouthful.
Hard to swallow, even.
ALL YOUR ANUS ARE BELONG TO US
I, for one, think Marcus would make an outstanding First Lady, sort of a less attractive Mamie Eisenhower. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mamie_Eisenhowe…
NY Post headline: BACHMANN BUTT-HURT BECAUSE HE GOT SHAFTED
Uhhh, shouldn't it be "SHE"?
If his wife became President, would he still try to de-fuck gay men?
What kind of billing department puts the boss on the phone for collections?
Oh come on, I get charged for cancelled "doctor" appointments all the time.
Is he asking for a bail-out?
normally Marcus would be paying a gay guy $150 for "services rendered".
…and in this case, it's for "blue balls maintenance"
China doen't make their gehs pay for a reversal. Must be a LBJ great society policy.
Oh, I see…first you gheys get marriage, and now you think you can get our jerbs?!
Oh, jezus, Wonketz, what is this shit with a 'MO reporter and stuff? Would y'all just quit trying to be the cool kid? Next the 'Mos will be all proselytizing their agenda and stuff.
And shoving it down our throats.
I thought "shoving it down their throats" was reserved for the straight RWNJ Christians. I mean, they complain the loudest and all.
I mean, they complain the loudest and all.
Especially if you slow down while shoving it in.
Marcus been whining again?
Evan Hurst is awesome and this post is awesome and so STFU, OK?
Que? Que the Fuck?! Sharkey, you've become unstable. GOD.
I hear the LGBBQs are just like Hare Krishna feasts – they tempt you with pulled pork, and the next thing you know, you're smacking a tambourine!
You gotta watch yourself around them queer folk, I'm tellin' ya.
$150 bucks wow this guy makes you pay out the ass!
"So, John…what are you wearing?"
Does the clinic offer a 'gay gone or double your money back' guarantee?
replace 'money back' with 'money shot'
Maybe he would take it out in trade?
…frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels…
Time to fire up UrbanDictionary again.
Wait. What was that phone number again? I was thinking maybe people should call it to schedule appointments. They accept Medicare, don't they?
$150 can get you quite a deal at rentboy.com on Philippino Pthursdays.
Marcus wants to send this to a collection agency? Over a missed appointment kerfuffle? Puh-lease! I'd be all "oh yeah bitch you go right ahead!!" Marcus wants to go to the trouble headache and expense over a piddly $150 when it all basically comes down to an issue over whether Becker gave his cracker jack therapy service enough notice for an appointment cancellation. Damn. He's just as business stupid as he is closeted.
Marcus Bachman, is a ridiculous character ,almost as ridiculous as his wife.If your a gay doctor what better cover could you have than working in a Pray for Gay clinic ? My guess is when he dose the patients prostate exams he has both of his hands on they're shoulders.
The funniest / most tragic part of this whole story, is that Bachmann's campaign is so disheveled that they let him drag this whole thing into the media again. Are they actively trying to self-destruct?
Speaking of prostate exams I think my doctors nurse is going deaf. Halfway through the examination she brings him in a beer. He turns to her ,and says " No, Ms. Henderson; I said a Butt light "! Kind of embarrassing .
Any normal political campaign would have just said "let it go Marcus" gave him the money out of the food budget and focused on other more important issues, but no, this bunch thinks it's a good idea to give a second round of hilarity to us all by dragging it out into the media again. Michele just can't be outdone in "stupid". Perry or Cain may fire a few salvos of stupid, and she has to fire another one just so one cannot say that she didn't say or do something idiotic this week. The good news is, the money has to run out *sometime*. Doesn't it?
You'll have to admit "The Bachmanns" as a TV comedy would be hilarious. Especially if Marcus and Michele play themselves by which I mean we just record their actual lives through concealed cameras. Hell, I'll pay $10 a month to watch!
Marcus isn't playing around here. The next call will be to Jeebus, who takes care of all the collection work at the clinic.
Jeebus? Fuck, no. If he had any smarts, he'd go with The Other Guy. (Where's Biel_ze_Bubba when you need him?)
Ass, grass or cash; nobody's cured for free, buddy. Oh, Puhleeeez make it ass…
And, really, at the end of the day, isn't what every America wants?
Shorter Marcus: Where's my money, bitch?
So if I don't like a post, I can't say "Get a job, Moocher!"?
Damn, I was saving that one for the right moment.
Must..find…..mind….bleach…..
I KNEW that big fuck was a leather man.
Somebody's jealous.
That guy is "completely straight" Republican Congressman Aaron Shock of Peoria Illinois. Yes, no doubt about it. Completely straight. That guy loves pussy. You betcha.
He can hate pussy as much as he wants to, you don't GET in the GayMensClub without SOME kinda taste, and lilac gingham button-downs with a turquoise belt ain't cuttin' it,babe.
Well, you see, since he's a closeted self-hater actively working to deny his people rights, they won't let him in the club. Thus, denying him access to the Holy Gay Bible of Fabulousness. He is doomed to walk the Earth in a purgatory of tragic tackiness.
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