Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed

  the homosexuals!

Bargains by Marcus!Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just an unpaid bill for “fixing” someone’s homosexuality.

A few months ago, a pro-America group called Truth Wins Out* decided to send an intrepid, dashing Undercover Homosexual to Marcus’s Christian Counseling Beauty Parlor in Minnesota, in order to find out if they would be willing to exorcise him of his show-tune demons, for a small fee of course. It turns out that Doctor Bachmann’s anti-gay salon was willing to try, but unfortunately that was all that happened, because Truth Wins Out didn’t actually want to de-gay the investigative reporter, for some reason.

It was all a ruse to see if the Bachmann people really were willing to try, as the Bachmann people famously did Not Answer The Question when asked, “Hey, do you ladies do that horseshit Pray Away the Gay rigamarole?” So, having acquired this information, the undercover gay, John Becker, cancelled the rest of his sessions and went back home to his gay husband and his Precious Moments figurines. Meanwhile, Michele’s campaign sort of fell apart, because hello, crazy!

FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY!

Dr. Marcus Bachmann was probably just sitting around, doing good deeds like frosting the fur of the neighborhood squirrels completely free of charge, because charity is a Christian virtue, when he realized that the mean undercover homosexual didn’t pay his clinic for the de-gaying services they didn’t provide, so he picked up the phone and called John and asked him for money. First he left a message!

But that wasn’t enough! Marcus and Michele Bachmann are apparently oblivious to the fact that the sexy men of Truth Wins Out would collectively hold their sides laughing, say “Funsies!,” and call everyone they had ever met in their entire lives about this, so John called Marcus back the next day so that they could have a sexy-time chat. [CLICK FOR VIDEO!] Or watch it here:

This is what the director of Truth Wins Out had to say about all this fol-de-rol:

“We call on Marcus Bachmann to immediately stop his petty and vindictive campaign of harassment and threats against our organization,” said TWO’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “Perhaps, now that Michele’s campaign is foundering, the Bachmanns are frustrated and looking for scapegoats to explain her failure. Truth Wins Out refuses to be intimidated or blackmailed by Bachmann. This bogus bill will not be paid.”

Fightin’ words! Also, the stylists at the Bachmann Beauty Parlor weren’t all that good, so no munnies, the end. [Truth Wins Out/Graphic by designer/cat photographer Monty Shane]

*Full disclosure: Truth Wins Out is actually where your Wonkette Homosexual Reporter works, for a job!

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About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst