KNOW-NOTHING PRIDE  4:36 pm November 16, 2011

Herman Cain Defends Theory That Presidents Are Supposed To Be Idiots

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The world map according to Herman Cain.

Okay, seriously, Herman Cain, just stop, stop right now, stop, STOP: “I’m not supposed to know anything about foreign policy. Just thought I’d throw that out,” he told a Journal-Sentinel reporter in the wake of the paper’s insane interview with him revealing that he is not entirely sure what “Libya” is. Because “knowing things” is not exactly the point of being President now, is it?

Okay okay, was this maybe just an out-of-context quote? Maybe The Herman Cain would care to expand a little more on his Cluelessness Doctrine? Here’s his follow-up comment:

“I want to talk to commanders on the ground. Because you run for president (people say) you need to have the answer. No, you don’t! No, you don’t! That’s not good decision-making,” said Cain.

Fair enough! Fair enough! Ignorance-based decision making has always fared much better, throughout history. Fancy “knowledge” is generally for suckers.

But alright, if a president or presidential candidate were to hypothetically listen to these “ground commanders” for their thoughts on “foreigner stuff,” what kind of information would Herman Cain be able to glean, for his decision-making processesses?

Here’s a fun example pulled from the “LIBYA WHUT?” interview, via Think Progress:

JOURNAL SENTINEL: Would you favor a military strike against Iran to stop that country from developing a nuclear capability?

CAIN: That is not a practical, top-tier alternative and here’s why. If you look at the topography of Iran. Where are you going to strike? It’s very mountainous. That’s what makes it very difficult.

Bombs! They will not land on mountains. They just bounce right back up in the air, they do. ELECT HERMAN CAIN PRESIDENT FOR LIFE. [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel/ Think Progress]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 386 comments }

nounverb911 November 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Herman Cain: Keeping the traditions of the "Know Nothing Party" alive and well.

jrients November 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I've been telling friends for a long time now that the Tea Party is a 21st century revival of the Know Nothings.

JustPixelz November 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm

It's so true. Substitute "Mexicans" for Catholics and you can't tell them apart.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

In PresidentCain's Cabinet, you can go far if you speak Cuban!

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 1:02 am

I think you got some 'splainin' to do, Lucy.

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I thought the "Know Nothing" part of the party was about maintaining some semblance of secrecy?

datateday November 17, 2011 at 2:31 am

Nobody knows what's in Herman Cain's patented Secret Sauce – and nobody's ever gonna find out, either!

GunToting[Redacted] November 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Bombs fall down, bombs bounce up… You can't explain that!

Nothingisamiss November 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

You shouldn't have to explain it!!!!!

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

That's what advisers are for.

PubOption November 16, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Dashboard_Jesus November 17, 2011 at 1:32 am

well isn't THAT special?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I thought only Bouncing Betties bounced up.

4TheTurnstiles November 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Related: "Why the Republicans are Acting So Crazy"
http://www.counterpunch.org/2011/11/15/why-republ

Callyson November 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

You used to just disagree with Republicans; now you have to worry whether your children will be safe in their proximity.
Love it! So true…

Rotundo_ November 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Nicely summed up. I still find it amazing that the stupids continue to support them as their futures are being systematically destroyed before their eyes.

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 6:23 pm

This is so frightfully accurate, and the embodiment of corporate-handpicked candidates is Rick Perry. Newt is a very close second. Along with Cain. Thanks for posting the site, I think.

Dashboard_Jesus November 17, 2011 at 1:40 am

excellent link and Sam's speech in 1999 is very prophetic, NOTHING will get better til we can stop acting as though corporations have *human rights*

Callyson November 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

But if Cain knew things, he might not follow the marching orders of the Kochs. You can see the bind he's in.

Barrelhse November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm

These tough times, they got me in a bind…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEXDFr-9aJw

chascates November 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Bill Kristol also answered critics of a Palin Presidency by saying she'd surround herself with knowledgeable people, just like Dubya did.

DOH!

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Bill was thinking with his small head on this issue. She must've given him a blowjob on that conservative cruise. Several blowjobs. And a handjob beneath the tablecloth at the midnight buffet.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Only in his feverish dreams. If she'd actually shown a willingness to engage in sex, she would have immediately become grotesque and repulsive.

Don't you read Douthat?

Not_So_Much November 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

wow. I need a gallon of brain bleach after reading that.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I take wicked pleasure in introducing the unsuspecting to "Deep Thoughts with Ross Douthat". And this sad little twerp gets paid to write for the New York Times opinion page.

Truly, we live in a fallen age.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Ahhhh… You know, that's the first explanation for Kristol's infatuation that makes any sense. I mean, in Quayle's case Kristol was at least getting paid. But if they did in fact play several games of "Michigan shooting guard and Alaska sportswriter" on the cruise…

OK, I understand it all now. Thanks V572625694.

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Actually it was lunch in Wasilla…memory’s not what it used to be. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/10/27/081

Dashboard_Jesus November 17, 2011 at 1:50 am

thanks for reminding me just how much and why I hate that fucking cunt/ grifter

chascates November 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I always assumed she assured him of what would be her single effort as President: protecting Israel at all costs!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Wasn't there some guy with an ISRAEL tattoo in the news recently? Funny how these coincidences just pop up from time to time.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

She might have left out that one part about how the End Times are upon us, and once Israel has played its part, all Jews who don't immediately convert to Christianity will be cast into hell to burn in agony for all eternity.

chascates November 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

AIPAC would call that 'hedging one's bets'. For both Jews and evangelicals.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Right? Israelis must be laughing their asses off as they take our military aid, and pretend not to know what the teapers really think of them.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Unfortunately, one of W's "knowledgeable people" was Bill Kristol.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Dear god.

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Oh Herman, you've done it now: challenged the manly effectiveness of our bombing capability. This finally will terminate your campaign. The Air Force cannot live with this shame, and may bomb Aspen this weekend just to prove you wrong.

Wonderthing November 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm

When the President does it, it's not stupid. Haven't anyone been reeding?

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

I've been to busy riting and studeeing.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I've been to busy ri ^^O^^ ting and studeeing.

ShitFilledExistence November 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Boing go the bombs..

mourningnmerica November 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Boom goes the dynamite.

NorthStarSpanx November 17, 2011 at 9:03 am

Herb thought throwing in a $10 word for landscape would cloak his stupidity.

Are we to take it he won't join McCain on a Tea Party cruise for a duet singing "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran?"

edgydrifter November 16, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Knowledge sucks.

emmelemm November 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Knowledge is hard.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

And elitist. Down with smart people and stuff!

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Knowledge has a liberal bias.

Callyson November 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Cain needs someone else to get a firm grip on knowledge.

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm

You know what the "N" on the University of Nebraska football team helmets stands for? Nowledge!

OkieDokieDog November 16, 2011 at 4:42 pm

o.m.g. The stupid, make it STOP!

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Oh, no. It's SO entertaining.

OkieDokieDog November 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Frighteningly entertaining, indeed.

YouBetcha November 16, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Well hell, if the mountainous terrain of Iran is the only thing stopping us from bombing the shit out of them, can't they find some of these smartypants college people to make better bombs to blow up the mountains, also too? Herman Cain is a problem-solver, and Herman Cain will find a solution to this mountain problem.

Numbat_Dundee November 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Perhaps a pizza-based solution? Fill all the valleys with mozzarella so the mountains become a nice flat plateau. Then bomb the bejeezus out of it.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm

You know what happens to mozzarella at high temperatures? Tuff ain't nothin' compared to that shit.

Gratuitous World November 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm

it's also hard to bomb humans because we're 90% water.

JustPixelz November 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Speak for yourself. I am 60% cheese fries and 60% beer. I were home skooled.

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Oh come on, even I know 60% and 60% adds up to 179%. Lurned that on Fox Nooze.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Reagan

Bush I

Bush II

In GOP circles, Cain has a point.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Bush I was smart enough to know that his 1980 Republican primary opponent, and his son, were idiots.

GOPCrusher November 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Wasn't Neil the one that was being groomed to carry on the Bush Crime Family tradition of ascending to the top office until that whole issue with Chaparrel Savings and Loan?

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Jeb was always the groomee. Much pissed-offedness in Kennebunkport when Dubya undercut his bro. They all knew who the "smart" one was.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

But you know who was there in his dark hour of special need, to help him jump line and knock that mocking scowl off Babs' face? That's right, the great state of Texas!

SorosBot November 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm

That's the GOP, having the proudly ignorant run for President since 1980.

Pragmatist2 November 16, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Herman himself irrefutably establishes the fact that in America any idiot can run for President.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Any idiot with money, that is.

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Word. This guy is making me consider a run.

IncenseDebate November 16, 2011 at 4:44 pm

He's very Zen. He knows by not knowing. He is wise by not being wise. He delivers your pizza by not delivering your pizza.

ProgressiveInga November 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Herman Cain/Chauncey Gardiner 2012!

Nothingisamiss November 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I like to watch.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Alvin Greene will not stand for this Trade Dress Infringement!!

Native_of_SL_UT November 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

He don't know shit about any of ferriner stuff, but he does know that Obama's doing it WRONG!

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

He should've paused and clarified which country exactly they were talking about.

Biff November 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm

It was U-becky-becky-becky-stan-stan, obvs.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Excuse me! "Should of"!

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Soon U can rite captions 4 lolcats!

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Ha! Typing while dyslexic. It can happen to ennyone.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Cain would have sought information from our intelligence agencies, our military, and our State Department.

Whereas Obama just shook the Magic 8 Ball on his desk and went with that. It is known.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I used to think Republicans were just contrarians. Libruls say Bush is dumb, we'll say he's smart. Libruls say Palin is dumb, we'll say she's smart.

But it's becoming increasingly hard to deny that they consider stupidity, in and of itself, to be a positive and attractive value. IN A PRESIDENT!

No snark. Just bafflement.

Swampgas_Man November 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Puppets don't need brain-stuffing in their wooden heads.

sezme November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm

"With the thoughts I'd be thinkin' I could be another Lincoln…" Sorry, that's a bit of a straw-man argument.

BigDumbRedDog November 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

You don't need to be smart and know things to be president. Dubya proved that years ago. You do, however, need to be pretty damn smart to be a GOOD president, and then that's not even a guarantee.

NorthStarSpanx November 17, 2011 at 9:07 am

Lauren Pierce of UT Austin thinks smart Presidents make for the worst ever in history. [Giggle.]

ShitFilledExistence November 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"If I get elected, I plan to listen to all of my foreign policy advisors".

nounverb911 November 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Perle, Bolton, Rice, Wolfowitz and Kissinger?

V572625694 November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Ha ha, Cain said he wanted Kissinger to be his Secretary of State. When everybody hooted and asked who'd want that conniving evil war dwarf back, Cain claimed he was kidding. If you don't like what he says, he's kidding! If not, not.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Don't forget 'Bomb Everything' Bolton.

GOPCrusher November 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

You forgot Dick Cheney and Oliver North.

OkieDokieDog November 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

And Chuck Norris.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Lt. William Calley?

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm

This time, it better not be "Hitler?"

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I didn't say it!

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Which ones? Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe? Heywood Jabuzzoff and Ima Lone? Jack Mehoff and Ivana Kochbloch? GIVE US NAMES, CAIN.

ShitFilledExistence November 16, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Zombie McNamara

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm

He will consult with some smart people, who will give him the names.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Yeah, just like that 999 plan he got from Sim City and that "famous poet" quote he got from Pokemon. I *know* games developers, and they're not the smartest people in the world.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm

The guys who wrote '24'? They were grounded in reality.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Frank Miller?

We could whip Persia (Iran) with 300 half-naked hunky hunks o' manflesh.

slowhansolo November 16, 2011 at 10:18 pm

I'd love to put Frank Miller and Alan Moore in a room and see who emerges intact.

NorthStarSpanx November 17, 2011 at 9:11 am

Frank Miller wrote on his blog:

The “Occupy” movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment. “Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.

“Occupy” is nothing short of a clumsy, poorly-expressed attempt at anarchy, to the extent that the “movement” – HAH! Some “movement”, except if the word “bowel” is attached – is anything more than an ugly fashion statement by a bunch of iPhone, iPad wielding spoiled brats who should stop getting in the way of working people and find jobs for themselves.

This is no popular uprising. This is garbage. And goodness knows they’re spewing their garbage – both politically and physically – every which way they can find.

Wake up, pond scum. America is at war against a ruthless enemy.

Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.

And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently – must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh – out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.

RavenRant November 17, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I had seen this wingnut screed of Miller's.

Also, in 300 the weird projection of Spartan homosexuality onto the Persians is, well, weird.

Chet Kincaid November 17, 2011 at 6:26 pm

May he be fucked in the ass by Cerebus the Aardvark.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Yes, because Barack Obama would NEVER, EVER do that.

johnnymeatworth November 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Fucking bombs, HOW DO THEY WORK?????

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

No to mention TVs. Every time I see Cain on one I say, "How does this happen?"

johnnyzhivago November 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Mountainous terrain???? Isn't this why we have the Zeppelin Force?

Redhead November 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I don't think that's the kind of mountainous terrain he was referring to. I think he meant more of a pearl necklace versus stomach conundrum.

HarryButtle November 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm

So I'm packin' my bags for the Misty Mountains…

Swampgas_Man November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

So come w/ me, we'll go and see, the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 6:53 am

Oh to live on
Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm

If only they had Led the invasion at Tora Bora.

johnnyzhivago November 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm

The best thing about a blimp force is that it could be entirely powered by the gas coming from the GOP debates!

nounverb911 November 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

"I know nothing, I know nothing."
Since when is Sgt. Schultz running for president?

Lucidamente1 November 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Well, with Beavis and Butthead back on the air, he's just trying to come up with material for Mike Judge ("Yeah, yeah, so if we become President and drop some bombs on Iran, we could get chicks to show us their thingies, heh, heh." "Settle down, Beavis. You can't just bomb Iran. It has, like, mountains and stuff, huh, huh.")

RadiosTyrone November 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

He clearly has expertise on this point. Take his pizza for example. It tastes like Alpo on wet cardboard, yet plenty of fucknuts bought it.

finallyhappy November 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

You know what Alpo tastes like? You can afford the name brand dog food? Share the wealth , brother!

GOPCrusher November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

You have a can opener?

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

My dogs, all of which have exceedingly discerning palates, would like to point out that this is SHAMELESS ALPO LIBEL.

fuflans November 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

well, attacking iran is not a 'practical, top-tier alternative.

which is more sensible than anything mittens has said on the subject.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Yeah, what's Mitten's deal on that? Does he figure that's one sabre-rattle flip-flop nobody will call him on if he gets elected? Because he is surely not so stupid as to bomb Iran.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

If he thinks that Kristol, Cheney, and the rest of the neocons would just let this matter drop, he's made a miscalculation of Custer-at-Little-Big-Horn proportions.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:46 pm

For reasons I can't quite explain I keep having this increasing sense that Mittens is NOT going to win the nomination.

deelzebub November 16, 2011 at 11:06 pm

It's the magic underpants. They don't care about idiocy (in fact they encourage it), inconsistency, or douchebaggery, but the Born Agains hate some magic underpants.

ShitFilledExistence November 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Goddamn, I think Dubya is smarter than this guy. Is that possible ?

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Wait, I thought Rick Perry was the one who Dubya was smarter than. You mean there are TWO of 'em?! ai-yi-yi!

Rotundo_ November 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I think it goes well past that: Leave Huntsman and Mittens out of the equation and maybe Newt! and what are you left with? The best of the rest are rattling around with IQ's that sound like a comfortable room temperature. Michele would probably cool a beer nicely.

BarackMyWorld November 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I hope he's not planning on asking the commanders on the ground in Iran what he should do…seeing as how they're Iranians and all.

hunnybee November 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm

perfect. just perfect.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

The "negotiating with the Frenchmen in the castle" scene from MP & the Holy Grail wouldn't be nearly as funny if it were happening in real life between an American president and some medium level commanders in the Iranian Revolutionary Guards.

philpjfry November 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

A country gets the leaders it deserves. Dear God I hope we don't deserve this jackass

IncenseDebate November 16, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I hope the country does not get the leader it deserves.

Dr_Zoidberg November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Oh, surely America hasn't sunk that low.

Fare la Volpe November 16, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Yet.

DeathofKoalas November 17, 2011 at 3:14 am

Speaking as a furriner who thinks most of you 'murkins are complete remedials, even I don't think you deserve THIS.

Redhead November 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Why should Cain think that arriving at answers and making decisions has any part in the proper decision-making process?

He already knows everything he needs to know!

Would you support a military strike against Iran?
9-9-9!
Would you have taken the same action with Libya?
9-9-9!
What are your thoughts on fixing the healthcare system in this country?
9-9-9!
What about the economy? Any proposals to create jobs?
Sausage, Katie. Vegetables are for pussies.
*grabs her head, pulls it toward his crotch*

OCcupied_Surf_Serf November 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Presidents Are Supposed To Be Idiots??

By that logic, McCain/Palin would of won handily.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I hate "would of" even more than I hate dicks who correct other people's typos. Wait…

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Personally, I could care less. [Runs]

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Dude, I literally climbed 50 mountains in one day!

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Irregardless. Sarah literally set the country afire with her refudiation of Obama's squirmishes.

Biff November 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Well, I couldn't care less.
(yes I could.)

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:15 pm

And so you should, fella. And so you should.

Geminisunmars November 16, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Alright then, "woulda won handily." You happy now?

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

wooda one.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Definatly.

Geminisunmars November 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm

That's you, always doing things defiantly.

Gainsbourg69 November 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

But are you an independant or just family orientated?

OCcupied_Surf_Serf November 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Sorry there, Chet. I seem to have forgotten the "Also."

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Too.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

That's enough. Sheesh … what a bunch of loosers.

bebecca2298 November 17, 2011 at 10:11 am

Ever heard this one? Well, that's a MUTE point. I've heard pretty educated people say that, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Tabernak on toast! I forgot about that one. A little bit of me dies inside every time I hear it.

ChessieNefercat November 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Now see what you've done? Everyone is *pouring* over annoying, aggravating spelling/grammar errors!

RavenRant November 17, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Got to throw in my most hated perversion of our language:

ForTAY.

The word forte is pronounced fort. Not FORTay, which would mean 'strong' or 'loud' in Italian, but fort.

ForTAY is not a word in any language. But it is impossible to use the correct pronunciation of 'forte' in any company without some moronic putz correcting you by saying 'forTAY'.

The only possible response that avoids bloodshed is to retire 'forte' and use 'strong point' or 'strong suit' as a substitute.

I weep sad, bitter tears for our living language.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Oh, dear. You are giving me a guilty conscience now. Because I know that the standard pronunciation "forté" is flat wrong. I know that. But it's so entrenched I don't even have the strength to combat that one anymore. Back when I was a smart-ass, know-it-all teenager I had the energy, but now I have to husband my resources for stuff like "He's a coal and oil magnet." or "notary republic" or (Oh, God, I know you don't exist but please give me strength anyway:) "pigment of my imagination".

Edit: I mean, "cuckolds of my heart" is pretty funny, but these are just brain-freezingly deadly.

Edit 2: And we haven't even begun on what happens to French in these parts. "Soup du jour of the day" – surely that was invented by some insane linguist who was trying to rot human brains from the inside….

Chet Kincaid November 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm

"Soup dey whore, hyuck hyuck hyuck!…High school sucks."

RavenRant November 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Oh, lord. Pigment of my imagination is a new one for me. Also notary republic. Haven't encountered that. A member of my family refers to "business maggots and typhoons". But that's intentional.

How about "The Los Angeles Angels" or "The The Angels Angels"?

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Ah, "The The Angels Angels" – that never hit me. Now that you point it out it's obvious, of course, but my Spanish isn't so automatic (= it's bad) that it would have struck me were I not prompted. Nice.

I like "maggots and typhoons" – Another riff on this went by quickly in the movie "Hot Fuzz", where the owner of an enormous appliance store is called "a refrigerator magnate".

Chet Kincaid November 17, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Bears Running Back Matt For-TAY libel!!

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

No offence, Chet mon chum, I am proud to be a new American and there are all sorts of things about the good old USA that I love and admire. But after I learned that Americans pronounce (now retired) NASCAR driver Jerry Nadeau's name as "Jerry NAY-doo" [That sound you hear is quiet sobbing and the rending of garments] I ceased counting American pronounciations of names as evidence of anything.

Chet Kincaid November 17, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Then you must love the pronunciation of Brett "Farve", which is the French number between four and five.

SmutBoffin November 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Doesn't this guy have a degree in mathematics? He probably knows how to solve partial differential equations 8 different ways and what Tychonoff's theorem means and also whatever the hell a conformal mapping is.

He should be accustomed to patient, thoughtful inspection of different problems and discussing them in direct & correct terms. What gives? Did his business schoolin' turn his brain completely inside-out?

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

That is The Great Mystery. And he worked on Ballistics for the Navy, too. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.™

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Also, what a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind, is being very wasteful. How true that is, too.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Dear god and I had hoped never to have to hear Dumbya again, not even quoted in snark.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 9:36 pm

The inimitable Dan Quayle. Clearly a role model for the younger Bush.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Chet, how did you do the 'TM' superscript?

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 7:55 pm

On my Mac, it's Option key + 2. ™

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Wonkette™

Woohoo! Thanks, MrNicky!

Geminisunmars November 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Well, you know, he did major in Slide Rule.

Gleem_McShineys November 16, 2011 at 8:09 pm

*pushes head towards pocket protector*

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

The smart part of his brain must have quit in disgust. Call it the Cain mutiny.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm

He never had no business schooling. Perhaps he's one of those idiot savant type dudes, tremendous math skills and dumb as shit outside of that. I knew one guy like that. He seemed to live on a different planet. He would say the most outrageous shit and then look around with a blank expression and say, "Who said that?" Srsly.

BigDumbRedDog November 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Mountainous terrain. That's what the elephants are for, right?

emmelemm November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Win.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Snort!

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Hannitybull!

deelzebub November 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Carthaga (et shit-for-brains Republicans) delenda est.

It's bothering me that I can't place that map. I need some help, fellow geeks. I know it's a Mario Bros. one, I'm thinking one with Yoshi?

El Pinche November 16, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Apparently you Leftists have no clue. Everyday for 90 yrs Cain built pizzas on a need to know basis. THEY'RE CALLED ADVISORS!

Crowe2011 November 17, 2011 at 5:26 am

And if you put the toppings on just right, they look sorta like faces. Cain could prop them up in the Situation Room. "Morning General Pepperoni; what's the news on Ubekibekistan?"

johnnymeatworth November 16, 2011 at 4:54 pm

And what the fuck is with this hat? http://media.jsonline.com/images/bus16_1.jpg

Is he now saying he was "Commander-In-Chief" of the National Restaurant Association?

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

He looks like an over-the-hill R&B crooner, arriving for a show at the Star Plaza Theatre in Merrillville, Indiana.

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Big Daddy Cain, obvs.

deelzebub November 16, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Is Herman Cain gonna have to choke a bitch?

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 12:41 am

Ah b'leev he's already done that. Or tried, anyway. It's not his fault she didn't wanna choke on his sausage.

Rotundo_ November 16, 2011 at 6:06 pm

HMFWIC:
Head
Mother
Fucker
What
In
Charge

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Hahahahaha. I have just added this appellation to my profile. Bow down, motherfuckers! BOW DOWN.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Without the leading H, it's generally pronounced mifwik.

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Nice gold braid on the chapeau, Hermie. I'll really start worrying when he starts wearing it on epaulets.

Biff November 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Works for Khadafi!

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Er … past tense, plz.

Biff November 16, 2011 at 9:52 pm

OK, as long as you don't try to correct my spelling of Ghadaffi, or Quadafy, or whatever.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Dood, that's his *pimp* hat.

SayItWithWookies November 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"It's okay if Herman Cain is geopolitically illiterate — he'll surround himself with people who are smarter than he is."
"Okay, how's he going to do that?"
"He'll interview people, and he'll pick the smart ones — sheesh."
"But how will he know which ones are the smart ones?"
"He'll get some people on a panel to interview the candidates with him, and they'll be experts, and they'll be able to tell."
"So how will he pick the people on the panel?"
"Shut the fuck up, you elitist."

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

He will pick the panel using the Limo Test. They want jobs, don't they?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Herman can throw darts at the D.C. phone book, and come up with a staff that's smarter than he is.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

He could do that at the animal shelter too.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 17, 2011 at 12:46 am

The PETA people would love that.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 12:57 am

Er, well, yes, not the dart-throwey stuff, of course, which animals sort of tend to seem to rather dislike. More like the selection by nonviolent means. As in do NOT pin the tail on the donkey. Not if there's scotch tape to be found.

teebob2000 November 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Or at a DC comic.

Dr_Zoidberg November 16, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I don't need to know these things!! There will be plenty of time to learn about all those funny-sounding countries after I'm elected!! Henry Kissinger will help me!!

BelleSC November 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Please let this man get the GOP nomination.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Or that other stupid guy, Perry. Or the idiot crazy-eyed lady. Or the loathesome fat-headed has-been guy.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Please, please, please…

*crosses fingers

Swampgas_Man November 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm

You know the way this country works, one of these fuckbrains might actually win, right?

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2011 at 12:20 am

You mean like Rick Scott, Rick Snyder, Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Walker Texas Ranger, and all those other Republicans with interchangeable porno names?

Mumbletypeg November 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

If Obama went back and rephrased that tacky slogan into "Winning the Future Back," well, I might applaud that message.
But as Barry himself might put it: why waste a word or a rewrite when the glare of these contenders' incompetence is worth a thousand stammers?

LetUsBray November 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Wingnuts admire ignorance because learning things, representing as it does an openness to answers not already contained in one's ideology, is a sign of weakness in their dim little eyes. Belief trumps knowledge every time with these dumbfucks.

emmelemm November 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm

That is pure truth. You've stated it well.

iburl November 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Ignorance = Good. Knowledge = Evil.

I'd call it anti-intellectualism, but they are way too stupid to understand that word.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

And looking for solutions implies there are problems or inequities, which is why we must reject thoughts such as climate change or inequality. Life is beautiful and God doesn't make junk; every home-skooler noes that.

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Adam and Eve were punished for exactly that reason, which was always a fucked up story, to me. Apparently, God was completely content wwith living vicariously through his human puppets. How boring; what an incredibly uncreactive creator.

YouBetcha November 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Truth.

Also, learning is gay.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm

A rational person observes reality, and bases an ideology on what alleviates suffering most effectively. A wingtard mindlessly adopts an ideology, and is infuriated when reality does not conform to it, thus living his/her life in a continuous state of anger.

Biff November 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Simple. Elegant. Perfect.

ChessieNefercat November 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

"…dim little eyes."

"…dim, beady little eyes."

donner_froh November 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Presidents don't have to know things; they just have to do things. How will a President know what to do? Don't ask.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 17, 2011 at 12:50 am

Presidents don't have to know things; they just have to decide things. How will a President know what to decide? God will tell him.

Fixed.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Bein' president is hard work, especially when you're trying to shove women's faces into your crotch at the same time.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

You gotta to be agressive if you hope to occupy the oval orifice.

kaiamursi November 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Wait, that's his jobs program.

Gleem_McShineys November 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm

"I know the president of cocka cocky suck sucky stan stan — DO YOU?"

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:14 pm

How's that gonna create one job, Gleem_McShineys?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I do b'leev he's as toasty as toast gets, round about now. I.e., we will not have to suffer this Cain.

BigDumbRedDog November 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I wonder how mountainous Uz-becky-becky-becky-stan-stan is?

weejee November 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Bouncing bombs can be a dam problem, or that is a damn problem for dams.

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong.

Joshua Norton November 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Obviously, the pizza business pretty much runs itself.

lochnessmonster November 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

And today he was in FL yelling Freedom for Cuba! Does he know anything about Uba?

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 1:04 pm

He thought they were talking about Cuba Gooding maybe? I didn't know he was even in jail.Herman Cain is just strange.

Dok-cupy Everything November 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

OT, mostly, but not entirely, because it's good news about books, which contain that "knowledge" stuff that Mr. Cain is so opposed to: According to the NYC Mayor's Office twitter feed, the Occupy Wall Street Library went not into dumpsters, but into storage, and will be released shortly.

Thanks for dialing down the douchery level ever so slightly, NYPD.

In a related development, Herman Cain has offered to burn any books he comes across, to "level the playing field."

chascates November 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Didn't Palin claim any woman who headed a local PTA was qualified to be President? And since Herman Cain was the Decider of the National Restaurant Association that's close enough to . . . .
Wait.
“I’ve got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”

Mothergooch November 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

"he is not entirely sure what 'Libya' is"

It's a really hot chick. You should totally go check it out, Herminator.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm sure he'll invade Libya minora, first chance he gets.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

"Labia Menorah"? It'll take a hospital-grade antifungal to quench the burning. Or a foam-based extinguisher.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I rather suspect Hermy's not the kind of sexual assaulter who's all that interested in the intricacies of the lady parts. I rather suspect he's more the "suck it and shut up, bitch" type sexual assaulter. You know, the kind who really really "respects women." Yeah, I'm running out of snark with this guy.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Total win.

Nesnora November 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

He went on to say:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Now, we all know that's from his first choice for Secretary of State (assuming, of course that she "wants the job".)

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I'm sure he'll ask her that as he pushes her head towards his crotch. "You want the job, don't you?"

"Then suck it, bitch" is the unspoken end to that sentence, of course.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I'll never get over laughing at that. Doesn't One L use the term "U.S. Americans" all the time?

Chillwaver November 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Once again, GOPers, please nominate this idiot.

SaintRond November 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

If you look at the bookshelves behind Cain during his interview, you will see many interesting titles – "Harold the Farting Dog," "We Had You and that's why we're Poor," "Green Eggs and Ham," and "The Boy who ate his vegetables and Died."

Okay, he's not an intellectual. But is being an intellectual something you want in a President? FUCK NO!!!

Dok-cupy Everything November 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

BOOK LIBEL! "Green Eggs and Ham" was a classic!

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Yes, but this is a different book with the same title. It spells out the pizza recipes for Godfather's. (The eggs can be yellow or orange as well. Just so long as you get them cheaper than those so-called "fresh" white ones.)

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Sam?

fartknocker November 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

The Pet Goat is also on his shelf. He'll peruse that when he's being advised that we've faced another terrorist attack.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

My goodness, the children's classics have certainly changed since my dear ones were toddlers! I must find these titles for the grandchild!

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Where's My Pet Goat?

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 1:42 am

Shhh, Marcus has him tied up in the bedroom closet.

barto November 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

So that's what they mean by "take the high ground". Mountains. You can't bomb 'em, suckahs! Perfect place to build your nukes. Thankfully only a handful of our enemies know this, Herman Cain perhaps being one of them.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

That's because it didn't occur to the enemy leaders that they should surround themselves with excellent, capable people.

HobbesEvilTwin November 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

In what respect, Kirsten?

Not_So_Much November 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You know who else thought facts were for pussies?

Dok-cupy Everything November 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Me! That's why I have no idea who that was.

SudsMcKenzie November 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Cardinal Paolo Emilio Sfondrati?

RadiosTyrone November 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

The ASPCA?

fartknocker November 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Michael D. Brown, the head of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina?

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:31 pm

C'mon, he did a heckuva job.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

The Owl?

sezme November 16, 2011 at 8:05 pm

David Byrne?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 10:22 pm

The ex-wife? She's a very fact-based kinda laydee.

hagajim November 16, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Hey Hermie – we had eight years of ignorance based decision making under W – I think I'll take a pass.

owhatever November 16, 2011 at 5:19 pm

President Truman listened to his ground commander, then fired his arrogant ass. There is a reason we have civilian control over the military.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

There is a reason we have used to have civilian control over the military.

Fixed.

RadiosTyrone November 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Or Lincoln and McClellan.

WootInTarnation November 17, 2011 at 1:14 am

I love that story. It's my current bedtime reading.

Shoot, MacArthur was a victim of history. He'd have NO trouble with his Presidential Bid in this election. Maybe a little too leftist, but that could be spun.

Dok-cupy Everything November 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Asked why facts and knowledge are anathema to him, Mr. Cain replied that his medical records are nobody's business but his own.

mourningnmerica November 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Doctor: You're wife has acute angina.

Herman: Yeah, you should see her tits.

SudsMcKenzie November 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

If he can explain the thinking behind "Hawaiian Pizza" he's got my vote.

p.s. seeing "Recall Walker" petition stands in my neighborhood today.

jus_wonderin November 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Is that anything like a Lemonade Stand?

SudsMcKenzie November 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Honestly, ..yes

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but just in case – make sure that they are legit. Ask for the organization and check them out. Perhaps that Facebook boasting by Republican weasels concerning compiling lists of names and then burning them was just empty bluster, but maybe not.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Good point. They are criminally devious.

But hooray for Wisconsin. Good luck, friends.

SudsMcKenzie November 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Well, they were about 6 blocks away from the folks with the "Ron Paul" signs in the front yard and the pickup with a "9/11 was an Inside Job" bumper sticker in the drive way, so they seemed legit.

fartknocker November 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Damn Suds, I thought I was the only guy with a neighbor Who Learned About Muslims on 9-11 sign and has Ron Paul bumper stickers.

mourningnmerica November 16, 2011 at 5:22 pm

This guy is obviously not as smart as Hannibal.

Nostrildamus November 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm

But there is a some resemblance.

elviouslyqueer November 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I dunno. I'm thinking this is a close resemblance.

AlterNewt November 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

God help me.

Come BACK Richard Nixon!!

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I remember when I thought he was the Prince of Darkness. I was so naive.

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Oh, god, me too. The helicopter lifting off the White House lawn seemed to carry evil into oblivion. How incredibly naive.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm

We all were, darlz, we all were (sobs into handkerchief).

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 6:30 am

I thought so too, back in the day. And he WAS the Devil. It's just that evil has become much more evil-er since those relatively innocent times.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I was just telling someone the other day that I am so nostalgic for a the time when we thought Tricky was the worst we could get.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Get on that "You Miss Me Yet?" t-shirt asap!!

AlterNewt November 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm
WootInTarnation November 17, 2011 at 1:21 am

On it.

Somehow I knew the day would come when we missed Tricky. Sociopathic, paranoid, corrupt and a pathological liar. But he had a brain. And it emitted thoughts and analysis and critical judgments.

I came to view him as the bellwether of the decline of the Presidency. But I had no idea how long the slope was. Judging from history, 2016 and 2020 will be even worse. What wondrous, magical new depths are in store for us!

Dok-cupy Everything November 17, 2011 at 1:45 am

Where's my Jew?

flamingpdog November 17, 2011 at 1:51 am

I bought a t-shirt back in the depths of the Dubya Error that has a picture of Nixon on the front with the caption "Somehow he doesn't seem so evil anymore".

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Sad, innit? That paranoiac, lying, miserable, nutsy, racist bastard was head and shoulders over the last X Republican presidents, and not a single one of the assholes now running is fit to lick his boots.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:07 pm

I always said we only got Dubya because his Dad was determined not to go down as the WORST fucking President of all time, and Dubya was the only human being in the world who could make G.H.W. Bush look good.

I am so crushed, shattered, overcome, defeated, bitter, cynical, and fucking dead.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 2:17 am

That's how low he set the bar. Once, we actually expected our leaders not to vomit in other leaders' laps, literally or figuratively. He managed to do both. What was it he said to Marcos? "We love your adherence to democratic principles," even as that autocrat was jailing thousands upon thousands of Pinoys for exercising their right to protest his leeching, strangling corruption.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 7:07 am

Can you guys imagine Nixon breaking into the Democrat's HQs, today? Joke would be on him, 'cause there ain't shit left there, anymore. There's not an evil genius amongst the whole damned committee.

paris biltong November 16, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Well? When was the last time Switzerland was bombed? See?

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Coincidence? I think not. Or Nepal.

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Or Nepal. Like, duh.

sezme November 16, 2011 at 8:10 pm

That's only because Einstein was busy inventing the bomb IN SWITZERLAND, Einstein. Also because the Swiss were neutered, or so I have been advised.

jus_wonderin November 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I really just want a President that I can drink a beer with. Isn't that all I need to know to cast my vote?

GOPCrusher November 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

And with Herb, you get pizza and broads!

emmelemm November 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I'm holding out for hookers and blow.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

So that's how Switzerland got through WW2 unscathed. I always wondered, and never had a chance to ask the experts (former pizza chain executives) why it worked out so well for them.

NowTheyTellMe November 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Me lik blak man. you not nis peepl. you not no him. him gud blak man make gud leedr. BAHH!

iburl November 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Republicans actually think Reagan was a good president BECAUSE he was a brain dead zombie who took orders from his chief of staff.

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm

And don't forget the astrologers.

El Pinche November 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Cain: “I want to talk to commanders on the ground. Because you run for president (people say) you need to have the answer. No, you don’t! No, you don’t! That’s not good decision-making,”

He continued, "Just like the hoes. They don't need to say yes when you ask for some head. Just act stupid. Ooops, sorry for shoving your head on my cock."

OneYieldRegular November 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

With that kind of reasoning, why don't Republicans just put up a mollusk, or a cactus, or a rock, or a cowboy boot for President?

Jukesgrrl November 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Don't give them any ideas.

emmelemm November 16, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Inanimate Carbon Rod '12!

Geminisunmars November 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Haven't you been paying attention?

NellCote71 November 16, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Any of these would be more palatable than what they have put forward thus far.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Mollusk=Santorum
Cactus=Gingrich
Rock=Bachmann
Cowboy Boot=Perry

I don't know WHAT you're complaining about.

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 6:36 am

Or a salamander?

meatlofer November 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Mountains? Mountains? In What respect? Charlie?

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 6:36 am

All of 'em Katie! (sorry, couldn't help myself)

hunnybee November 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

thank God Hermie belongs to Ann Coulter. that is all.

fletc3her November 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

If god had wants us to know stuff he wouldn't have invented books.

bureaucrap November 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

"Mr. Cain, would you have sent the troops into Normandy during WWII?"

"Well, that's a good question. It's not the best top-tier alternative, because France has land and rivers, and trees, and farm animals. And an ocean. Two, isn't that right? Is the Mediterranean an ocean? And people. The best strategy is to use our heads. Instead, we would want to use buzzwords and catchphrases. Now THAT's leadership!"

Moran.

DahBoner November 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Ain't no mountain high enough!

Wait! That quote was from an actual Black guy…

Not_So_Much November 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Hopefully, not the one that was smacking around Tina Turner for years…

Come here a minute November 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Cain will surround himself with the best experts, and he will recognize them by the propellers on their heads.

Then he will make the best decision (deciderize, in the parlance of the Oval Office) based on his decision-making skills which were highly tuned over years of choosing pizza toppings.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

And closing hundreds of restaurants and cutting thousands of jobs.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Herm should challenge Mitt to a nationally-televised Cut-Off. Who can reach Flint, MI levels of devastation faster?

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Would "Job creators? Hah! Job destroyers!" be too complicated a slogan?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm

For 'baggers? Of course.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm

MANLY pizza toppings.

starfanglednut November 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Silly man. We already blow up mountains. We just call it coal mining.

Barrelhse November 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Mountains in the way? Use ELEPHANTS ya fucking moron.

BlueStateLibel November 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Hey, that map, isn't that the top-secret diagram of the famous floating island the libertarian millionaires were going to build? Did it sink yet?

gurukalehuru November 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Iran's a big country. Mountains in the north, deserts in the south. A couple of coastlines. A bit of a marshy area along the Iraqi border, if I'm not mistaken. A whole bunch of other stuff.

But, you know what? If Herman Cain is not planning on attacking Iran, for whatever reason, I'm happy about that.

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 6:40 am

Well yes, but also, it's not as though he will ever get anywhere near the opportunity to do so, or not. By this time next year, he'll have gone back to doing whatever it is he does, besides shoving women's faces into his crotch.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Has anyone told this eejit that Afghanistan sort of has it all over Iran in terms of, you know, mountains and stuff?

Is it OK to weep for this country and dig one's eyes out with a tasteful silver spoon now? (No, not the one from Bloomberg's mouth: I wouldn't risk it, his head is RIGHT up his ass right now, obvs.)

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Is it OK?

Weeping, yes. Eye digging, no.

You will need all your faculties for the 'interesting' times ahead.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Oh, well. I need my eyes to read anyway. It was a very tasteful spoon, tho. Serrated edge, like for grapefruit.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I had to edit an eye-digging scene for 'Deadliest Warrior'. Turns out Pablo Escobar, the head of the Medellin drug cartel, was fond of that method of communication his disappointment with subordinates.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Oh, ew. It's not like they'd be useful for much after. Wasteful.

Although maybe it would improve Herman Cain's singing.

Too soon?

Pres.Libunatic November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm

How long before Tosh gives him a Web Redemption?

NorthStarSpanx November 17, 2011 at 9:27 am

You know Tosh can't help getting naked, and he'd definitely shove Cain's head toward his crotch.

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I wonder if Cain could find Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan on that map.

unclejeems November 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Jebus effing Christ. We have a winner.

This guy knows that Iran has "mountains" and that "mountains" and "topography" kind of go together. In terms of sheer brain power, that puts Cain at the top of the Republican dog-pile. Or in the big effing middle of the Republican hog-wallow. Or wherever.

As far as Bachmann is concerned, Iran is a sentence describing something she did for Congress last year.

DerrickWildcat November 16, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Herman is kind of right. The Iranians have this secret weapon that the Chinese gave them. It electrifies the air above Iran so if a plane or missile flies over, they get electrocuted and blow up. I know some other top secret stuff too.

ttommyunger November 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm

"President Herman Cain" …as if Dubya didn't damage us enough. Something about America just pisses you off; right, God?

comrad_darkness November 16, 2011 at 8:47 pm

This really really goes to show you how hard handlers work for the anointed ones.

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 11:05 pm

You know what country has even less hospitable terrain? Afghanistan, and we're all up in that.

datateday November 17, 2011 at 2:40 am

With places named "Donut Plains", "Cookie Mountain", and the "Cheese Bridge", I'm surprised Herman Cain doesn't just try to dive head-first into Super Mario World when it first comes on!

Crowe2011 November 17, 2011 at 5:24 am

Well Dubya made a point of not knowing anything and that turned out alright.

Quayle2012_KNOT November 17, 2011 at 8:52 am

We developed smart bombs so the President doesn't have to know stuff. "Herman Cain, Ready to Hit the Ground Clueless!"

Bill_Mars November 17, 2011 at 9:22 am

Herman Cain knows toppings. And hats. And ladies.

smitallica November 17, 2011 at 9:57 am

It is becoming very clear to me that anyone smart enough to be President is too smart to be a Republican. Catch-22 for the GOP.

teebob2000 November 17, 2011 at 11:40 am

Herman Cain — he of the Gen. George Custer School of Management

sbj1964 November 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Herman Cain put it best himself; when he said that he " Herman Cain does not know how ,Herman Cain's brain works". From a casual observer my guess is it's broken. Maybe he got bad relationship advice from Tiger woods.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Having been tossed into a dump truck on a rainy night, I'm sure they look plenty used already.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Israeli attitude: It's our Old Testament, you morons!

FrenchTwist40 November 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Actually I'm pretty sure they just think it's their Testament, there not being a newer version.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm

OK, I must go. Time to start my exercise regiment.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:18 pm

That's DISirregardless to you, Missy.

I swear to god. A friend of mine attended Brandeis and tells the story of a classmate called upon while daydreaming through class. He began his reply with "Irregardless," whereupon the lecturer fixed him with a stony eye and repeated, "Irregardless?" Adroitly, the daydreamer replied, "I meant disirregardless, of course."

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Thanks folks – because of some personal stuff going on, I really needed the chuckles.

flamingpdog November 16, 2011 at 8:06 pm

T

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:18 pm

That one's my pet hate.

Nothingisamiss November 16, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Did this warm the cuckolds of your heart?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Take a hug or two on credit, Chet. Sorry things are fucked.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Sorry to hear that – best of luck sorting it all out.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Maybe you can listen to some pundints while you work out.. Or phone your reel-a-tor. Or ponder the tenants of your religion.

Be sure to share some quality time with your nookyular family. Under no circumstances should you be Miss Cheevey Us.

Peeves are my pets.

Chet Kincaid November 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Yep. However, on my work PC with its pre-9/11 operating system, I have to paste it in from elsewhere.

MzNicky November 16, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Hey, that's MzNicky to you, missy.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Thanks, Chet!

More MadTV Claymation

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Oh, dang! I can't believe I misread/mistyped that.

Sorry.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 9:32 pm

You are the second person on wonkette to call me 'missy' today. I must be giving off some girly vibe.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Dang, are you a guy too? I seem to keep getting signals crossed this week.

deelzebub November 16, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I have so much trouble telling gender on Wonkette. I think it is because we are all irredeemable perverts.

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 11:23 pm

No. I am woman, hear me roar! (HATE that song, BTW.)

I'm even a straight woman. Just not particularly girly, most of the time.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Ah, those are good ones. Especially "tenants of your religion". I can't hear that and keep my sanity in tact. But maybe I'm just bias.

Chichikovovich November 16, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I've never heard that one before. Love it!

RavenRant November 16, 2011 at 11:21 pm

They also ALWAYS pronounce George Tenet's name as tenant. Furtography and furtographers also get me crazy. There is no R in the first syllable of photography!

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 12:36 am

And I guess I'm starting to feel like if they nominate Mittens they'll lose anyway because the Tealiban are the reliable voting base, and they won't turn out for Romney. (Admittedly, Romney has all the passion of a mildly-flavoured jello, but with these nutbags, that's not necessarily such a *bad* thing.)

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 12:38 am

WHO TOLD YOU????

It was Biel_ze_Bubba, warn't it? Damn, I need to up my vig or he'll spill ALL the beans.

Herring_Burnit November 17, 2011 at 1:04 am

I'm'a send that to Herman. Hey, *he's* the one who *said* it, dood.

MzNicky November 17, 2011 at 7:00 am

I didn't mean to sound like my mother when I said that to you. God knows I did not mean to sound like my mother. No offense there li'l lady!

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 9:08 pm

That one hits me as a bit off, but since I've never known anyone named Farve, it kind of skips off. I knew dozens of people named Nadeau (literally – it's a very common name in Canada). So I have had the French pronunciation repeated to the saturation point. So that's why it has never ceased to sound a painful off-note in my ears. [Another example: when I lived in Pittsburgh and heard the locals refer to the district of North Versailles as "North Vur-sails".

Of course Dee-troyt is also a distorted pronunciation of "détroit" (which means "strait") but that doesn't bother me at all. I guess I heard it so many times when I was younger that I got used to it.

RavenRant November 17, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Brace yourself if you go to New Orleans. They pronounce 'Calliope' KAL ee ope.

Negropolis November 17, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I don't think twice about American pronunciation. We have so many here in Michigan, I just find it endearing. And, when you hear the stories behind the names, many of them weren't done out of ignorance of the original lanauge, either, rather to kind of mark it as their own. Michigan has a Saline (Suh-lean), a Milan (My-Lynne), a Lake Orion (Lake Orreeon), etc…

Chet Kincaid November 18, 2011 at 7:35 am

"Farve" is how everyone, including Brett, pronounces it, but it's spelled "Favre."

Of course in Chicago, we have Dess-planes (Des Plaines), Du-Sa-bel (DuSable), and for you German speakers, Go-thee Street (Goethe). For some bizarre reason, we pronounce LaSalle correctly.

Chichikovovich November 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I know those places – in fact I teach just a few miles north of Saline. (At a university said to be held in low esteem by people from the Lansing area.) The pronunciation of Milan took some getting used to, and there's also South Lyon (pronounced "Lion") a bit farther north, and I took that one completely in stride too. But so far nothing has made me cringe quite as much as "Nay-doo" and "Vur-Sails".

Edit: I know a couple of people whose kids go to the Saline High school. Mascot: the Saline Hornets. Yawn. I keep urging them to consider changing the team name to something more original: The Saline Solution. But they seem to think that's a nutty suggestion. Yeah, well, they laughed at Einstein too.

RavenRant November 17, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I love "Hot Fuzz"! The cinematography and particularly the editing were spectacular. I had forgotten the 'refrigerator magnate'. Thanks for the reminder.

Chichikovovich November 18, 2011 at 11:32 am

(Holds head in hands) Well, there you go, I know it's Favre, but late at night, typing fast. Clearly I don't have what it takes to become president, even if it weren't for the whole birth certificate thing.

[57 States! Austrian! Corpsemen! Farve!]

I didn't know about the "Goethe => Go-thee". Ouch. But I suppose we should count our blessings – It might have been "Goat" or "Goodie".

BTW – if I don't post a reply to you before things go dormant for the weekend – here's wishing that any of life's complications rest lightly in the coming days.

Chet Kincaid November 18, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Thanks, man!

AmericanBeauty November 21, 2011 at 1:35 am

She's been out of the news cycle for several weeks now – I wonder what fresh hell she has planned for us?

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