know-nothing pride

Herman Cain Defends Theory That Presidents Are Supposed To Be Idiots

The world map according to Herman Cain.

Okay, seriously, Herman Cain, just stop, stop right now, stop, STOP: “I’m not supposed to know anything about foreign policy. Just thought I’d throw that out,” he told a Journal-Sentinel reporter in the wake of the paper’s insane interview with him revealing that he is not entirely sure what “Libya” is. Because “knowing things” is not exactly the point of being President now, is it?

Okay okay, was this maybe just an out-of-context quote? Maybe The Herman Cain would care to expand a little more on his Cluelessness Doctrine? Here’s his follow-up comment:

“I want to talk to commanders on the ground. Because you run for president (people say) you need to have the answer. No, you don’t! No, you don’t! That’s not good decision-making,” said Cain.

Fair enough! Fair enough! Ignorance-based decision making has always fared much better, throughout history. Fancy “knowledge” is generally for suckers.

But alright, if a president or presidential candidate were to hypothetically listen to these “ground commanders” for their thoughts on “foreigner stuff,” what kind of information would Herman Cain be able to glean, for his decision-making processesses?

Here’s a fun example pulled from the “LIBYA WHUT?” interview, via Think Progress:

JOURNAL SENTINEL: Would you favor a military strike against Iran to stop that country from developing a nuclear capability?

CAIN: That is not a practical, top-tier alternative and here’s why. If you look at the topography of Iran. Where are you going to strike? It’s very mountainous. That’s what makes it very difficult.

Bombs! They will not land on mountains. They just bounce right back up in the air, they do. ELECT HERMAN CAIN PRESIDENT FOR LIFE. [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel/ Think Progress]

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    1. jrients

      I've been telling friends for a long time now that the Tea Party is a 21st century revival of the Know Nothings.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      I thought the "Know Nothing" part of the party was about maintaining some semblance of secrecy?

      1. datateday

        Nobody knows what's in Herman Cain's patented Secret Sauce – and nobody's ever gonna find out, either!

    1. Callyson

      You used to just disagree with Republicans; now you have to worry whether your children will be safe in their proximity.
      Love it! So true…

    2. Rotundo_

      Nicely summed up. I still find it amazing that the stupids continue to support them as their futures are being systematically destroyed before their eyes.

    3. NellCote71

      This is so frightfully accurate, and the embodiment of corporate-handpicked candidates is Rick Perry. Newt is a very close second. Along with Cain. Thanks for posting the site, I think.

    4. Dashboard_Jesus

      excellent link and Sam's speech in 1999 is very prophetic, NOTHING will get better til we can stop acting as though corporations have *human rights*

  1. Callyson

    But if Cain knew things, he might not follow the marching orders of the Kochs. You can see the bind he's in.

  2. chascates

    Bill Kristol also answered critics of a Palin Presidency by saying she'd surround herself with knowledgeable people, just like Dubya did.


    1. V572625694

      Bill was thinking with his small head on this issue. She must've given him a blowjob on that conservative cruise. Several blowjobs. And a handjob beneath the tablecloth at the midnight buffet.

      1. RavenRant

        Only in his feverish dreams. If she'd actually shown a willingness to engage in sex, she would have immediately become grotesque and repulsive.

        Don't you read Douthat?

          1. RavenRant

            I take wicked pleasure in introducing the unsuspecting to "Deep Thoughts with Ross Douthat". And this sad little twerp gets paid to write for the New York Times opinion page.

            Truly, we live in a fallen age.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Ahhhh… You know, that's the first explanation for Kristol's infatuation that makes any sense. I mean, in Quayle's case Kristol was at least getting paid. But if they did in fact play several games of "Michigan shooting guard and Alaska sportswriter" on the cruise…

        OK, I understand it all now. Thanks V572625694.

          1. AmericanBeauty

            She's been out of the news cycle for several weeks now – I wonder what fresh hell she has planned for us?

      3. chascates

        I always assumed she assured him of what would be her single effort as President: protecting Israel at all costs!

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Wasn't there some guy with an ISRAEL tattoo in the news recently? Funny how these coincidences just pop up from time to time.

        2. RavenRant

          She might have left out that one part about how the End Times are upon us, and once Israel has played its part, all Jews who don't immediately convert to Christianity will be cast into hell to burn in agony for all eternity.

  3. V572625694

    Oh Herman, you've done it now: challenged the manly effectiveness of our bombing capability. This finally will terminate your campaign. The Air Force cannot live with this shame, and may bomb Aspen this weekend just to prove you wrong.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Herb thought throwing in a $10 word for landscape would cloak his stupidity.

        Are we to take it he won't join McCain on a Tea Party cruise for a duet singing "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran?"

  4. YouBetcha

    Well hell, if the mountainous terrain of Iran is the only thing stopping us from bombing the shit out of them, can't they find some of these smartypants college people to make better bombs to blow up the mountains, also too? Herman Cain is a problem-solver, and Herman Cain will find a solution to this mountain problem.

    1. Numbat_Dundee

      Perhaps a pizza-based solution? Fill all the valleys with mozzarella so the mountains become a nice flat plateau. Then bomb the bejeezus out of it.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Wasn't Neil the one that was being groomed to carry on the Bush Crime Family tradition of ascending to the top office until that whole issue with Chaparrel Savings and Loan?

        1. flamingpdog

          Jeb was always the groomee. Much pissed-offedness in Kennebunkport when Dubya undercut his bro. They all knew who the "smart" one was.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            But you know who was there in his dark hour of special need, to help him jump line and knock that mocking scowl off Babs' face? That's right, the great state of Texas!

  5. IncenseDebate

    He's very Zen. He knows by not knowing. He is wise by not being wise. He delivers your pizza by not delivering your pizza.

    1. RavenRant

      Cain would have sought information from our intelligence agencies, our military, and our State Department.

      Whereas Obama just shook the Magic 8 Ball on his desk and went with that. It is known.

  6. RavenRant

    I used to think Republicans were just contrarians. Libruls say Bush is dumb, we'll say he's smart. Libruls say Palin is dumb, we'll say she's smart.

    But it's becoming increasingly hard to deny that they consider stupidity, in and of itself, to be a positive and attractive value. IN A PRESIDENT!

    No snark. Just bafflement.

      1. sezme

        "With the thoughts I'd be thinkin' I could be another Lincoln…" Sorry, that's a bit of a straw-man argument.

  7. BigDumbRedDog

    You don't need to be smart and know things to be president. Dubya proved that years ago. You do, however, need to be pretty damn smart to be a GOOD president, and then that's not even a guarantee.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Lauren Pierce of UT Austin thinks smart Presidents make for the worst ever in history. [Giggle.]

      1. V572625694

        Ha ha, Cain said he wanted Kissinger to be his Secretary of State. When everybody hooted and asked who'd want that conniving evil war dwarf back, Cain claimed he was kidding. If you don't like what he says, he's kidding! If not, not.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Which ones? Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe? Heywood Jabuzzoff and Ima Lone? Jack Mehoff and Ivana Kochbloch? GIVE US NAMES, CAIN.

        1. Herring_Burnit

          Yeah, just like that 999 plan he got from Sim City and that "famous poet" quote he got from Pokemon. I *know* games developers, and they're not the smartest people in the world.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Frank Miller wrote on his blog:

        The “Occupy” movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment. “Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.

        “Occupy” is nothing short of a clumsy, poorly-expressed attempt at anarchy, to the extent that the “movement” – HAH! Some “movement”, except if the word “bowel” is attached – is anything more than an ugly fashion statement by a bunch of iPhone, iPad wielding spoiled brats who should stop getting in the way of working people and find jobs for themselves.

        This is no popular uprising. This is garbage. And goodness knows they’re spewing their garbage – both politically and physically – every which way they can find.

        Wake up, pond scum. America is at war against a ruthless enemy.

        Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.

        And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently – must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh – out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.

        1. RavenRant

          Yes, I was being sarcastic. I had seen this wingnut screed of Miller's.

          Also, in 300 the weird projection of Spartan homosexuality onto the Persians is, well, weird.

    1. Redhead

      I don't think that's the kind of mountainous terrain he was referring to. I think he meant more of a pearl necklace versus stomach conundrum.

  8. Lucidamente1

    Well, with Beavis and Butthead back on the air, he's just trying to come up with material for Mike Judge ("Yeah, yeah, so if we become President and drop some bombs on Iran, we could get chicks to show us their thingies, heh, heh." "Settle down, Beavis. You can't just bomb Iran. It has, like, mountains and stuff, huh, huh.")

  9. RadiosTyrone

    He clearly has expertise on this point. Take his pizza for example. It tastes like Alpo on wet cardboard, yet plenty of fucknuts bought it.

    1. finallyhappy

      You know what Alpo tastes like? You can afford the name brand dog food? Share the wealth , brother!

    2. elviouslyqueer

      My dogs, all of which have exceedingly discerning palates, would like to point out that this is SHAMELESS ALPO LIBEL.

  10. fuflans

    well, attacking iran is not a 'practical, top-tier alternative.

    which is more sensible than anything mittens has said on the subject.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Yeah, what's Mitten's deal on that? Does he figure that's one sabre-rattle flip-flop nobody will call him on if he gets elected? Because he is surely not so stupid as to bomb Iran.

      1. Chichikovovich

        If he thinks that Kristol, Cheney, and the rest of the neocons would just let this matter drop, he's made a miscalculation of Custer-at-Little-Big-Horn proportions.

          1. deelzebub

            It's the magic underpants. They don't care about idiocy (in fact they encourage it), inconsistency, or douchebaggery, but the Born Agains hate some magic underpants.

          2. Herring_Burnit

            And I guess I'm starting to feel like if they nominate Mittens they'll lose anyway because the Tealiban are the reliable voting base, and they won't turn out for Romney. (Admittedly, Romney has all the passion of a mildly-flavoured jello, but with these nutbags, that's not necessarily such a *bad* thing.)

    1. MzNicky

      Wait, I thought Rick Perry was the one who Dubya was smarter than. You mean there are TWO of 'em?! ai-yi-yi!

      1. Rotundo_

        I think it goes well past that: Leave Huntsman and Mittens out of the equation and maybe Newt! and what are you left with? The best of the rest are rattling around with IQ's that sound like a comfortable room temperature. Michele would probably cool a beer nicely.

  11. BarackMyWorld

    I hope he's not planning on asking the commanders on the ground in Iran what he should do…seeing as how they're Iranians and all.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The "negotiating with the Frenchmen in the castle" scene from MP & the Holy Grail wouldn't be nearly as funny if it were happening in real life between an American president and some medium level commanders in the Iranian Revolutionary Guards.

    1. DeathofKoalas

      Speaking as a furriner who thinks most of you 'murkins are complete remedials, even I don't think you deserve THIS.

  12. Redhead

    Why should Cain think that arriving at answers and making decisions has any part in the proper decision-making process?

    He already knows everything he needs to know!

    Would you support a military strike against Iran?
    Would you have taken the same action with Libya?
    What are your thoughts on fixing the healthcare system in this country?
    What about the economy? Any proposals to create jobs?
    Sausage, Katie. Vegetables are for pussies.
    *grabs her head, pulls it toward his crotch*

          1. RavenRant

            Maybe you can listen to some pundints while you work out.. Or phone your reel-a-tor. Or ponder the tenants of your religion.

            Be sure to share some quality time with your nookyular family. Under no circumstances should you be Miss Cheevey Us.

            Peeves are my pets.

          2. Chichikovovich

            Ah, those are good ones. Especially "tenants of your religion". I can't hear that and keep my sanity in tact. But maybe I'm just bias.

          3. RavenRant

            They also ALWAYS pronounce George Tenet's name as tenant. Furtography and furtographers also get me crazy. There is no R in the first syllable of photography!

          4. Herring_Burnit

            That's DISirregardless to you, Missy.

            I swear to god. A friend of mine attended Brandeis and tells the story of a classmate called upon while daydreaming through class. He began his reply with "Irregardless," whereupon the lecturer fixed him with a stony eye and repeated, "Irregardless?" Adroitly, the daydreamer replied, "I meant disirregardless, of course."

          5. RavenRant

            You are the second person on wonkette to call me 'missy' today. I must be giving off some girly vibe.

          6. deelzebub

            I have so much trouble telling gender on Wonkette. I think it is because we are all irredeemable perverts.

          7. RavenRant

            No. I am woman, hear me roar! (HATE that song, BTW.)

            I'm even a straight woman. Just not particularly girly, most of the time.

          8. MzNicky

            I didn't mean to sound like my mother when I said that to you. God knows I did not mean to sound like my mother. No offense there li'l lady!

      1. bebecca2298

        Ever heard this one? Well, that's a MUTE point. I've heard pretty educated people say that, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Tabernak on toast! I forgot about that one. A little bit of me dies inside every time I hear it.

      2. ChessieNefercat

        Now see what you've done? Everyone is *pouring* over annoying, aggravating spelling/grammar errors!

    1. RavenRant

      Got to throw in my most hated perversion of our language:


      The word forte is pronounced fort. Not FORTay, which would mean 'strong' or 'loud' in Italian, but fort.

      ForTAY is not a word in any language. But it is impossible to use the correct pronunciation of 'forte' in any company without some moronic putz correcting you by saying 'forTAY'.

      The only possible response that avoids bloodshed is to retire 'forte' and use 'strong point' or 'strong suit' as a substitute.

      I weep sad, bitter tears for our living language.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Oh, dear. You are giving me a guilty conscience now. Because I know that the standard pronunciation "forté" is flat wrong. I know that. But it's so entrenched I don't even have the strength to combat that one anymore. Back when I was a smart-ass, know-it-all teenager I had the energy, but now I have to husband my resources for stuff like "He's a coal and oil magnet." or "notary republic" or (Oh, God, I know you don't exist but please give me strength anyway:) "pigment of my imagination".

        Edit: I mean, "cuckolds of my heart" is pretty funny, but these are just brain-freezingly deadly.

        Edit 2: And we haven't even begun on what happens to French in these parts. "Soup du jour of the day" – surely that was invented by some insane linguist who was trying to rot human brains from the inside….

        1. RavenRant

          Oh, lord. Pigment of my imagination is a new one for me. Also notary republic. Haven't encountered that. A member of my family refers to "business maggots and typhoons". But that's intentional.

          How about "The Los Angeles Angels" or "The The Angels Angels"?

          1. Chichikovovich

            Ah, "The The Angels Angels" – that never hit me. Now that you point it out it's obvious, of course, but my Spanish isn't so automatic (= it's bad) that it would have struck me were I not prompted. Nice.

            I like "maggots and typhoons" – Another riff on this went by quickly in the movie "Hot Fuzz", where the owner of an enormous appliance store is called "a refrigerator magnate".

          2. RavenRant

            I love "Hot Fuzz"! The cinematography and particularly the editing were spectacular. I had forgotten the 'refrigerator magnate'. Thanks for the reminder.

        1. Chichikovovich

          No offence, Chet mon chum, I am proud to be a new American and there are all sorts of things about the good old USA that I love and admire. But after I learned that Americans pronounce (now retired) NASCAR driver Jerry Nadeau's name as "Jerry NAY-doo" [That sound you hear is quiet sobbing and the rending of garments] I ceased counting American pronounciations of names as evidence of anything.

          1. Chichikovovich

            That one hits me as a bit off, but since I've never known anyone named Farve, it kind of skips off. I knew dozens of people named Nadeau (literally – it's a very common name in Canada). So I have had the French pronunciation repeated to the saturation point. So that's why it has never ceased to sound a painful off-note in my ears. [Another example: when I lived in Pittsburgh and heard the locals refer to the district of North Versailles as "North Vur-sails".

            Of course Dee-troyt is also a distorted pronunciation of "détroit" (which means "strait") but that doesn't bother me at all. I guess I heard it so many times when I was younger that I got used to it.

          2. Negropolis

            I don't think twice about American pronunciation. We have so many here in Michigan, I just find it endearing. And, when you hear the stories behind the names, many of them weren't done out of ignorance of the original lanauge, either, rather to kind of mark it as their own. Michigan has a Saline (Suh-lean), a Milan (My-Lynne), a Lake Orion (Lake Orreeon), etc…

          3. Chichikovovich

            I know those places – in fact I teach just a few miles north of Saline. (At a university said to be held in low esteem by people from the Lansing area.) The pronunciation of Milan took some getting used to, and there's also South Lyon (pronounced "Lion") a bit farther north, and I took that one completely in stride too. But so far nothing has made me cringe quite as much as "Nay-doo" and "Vur-Sails".

            Edit: I know a couple of people whose kids go to the Saline High school. Mascot: the Saline Hornets. Yawn. I keep urging them to consider changing the team name to something more original: The Saline Solution. But they seem to think that's a nutty suggestion. Yeah, well, they laughed at Einstein too.

          4. Chet Kincaid

            "Farve" is how everyone, including Brett, pronounces it, but it's spelled "Favre."

            Of course in Chicago, we have Dess-planes (Des Plaines), Du-Sa-bel (DuSable), and for you German speakers, Go-thee Street (Goethe). For some bizarre reason, we pronounce LaSalle correctly.

          5. Chichikovovich

            (Holds head in hands) Well, there you go, I know it's Favre, but late at night, typing fast. Clearly I don't have what it takes to become president, even if it weren't for the whole birth certificate thing.

            [57 States! Austrian! Corpsemen! Farve!]

            I didn't know about the "Goethe => Go-thee". Ouch. But I suppose we should count our blessings – It might have been "Goat" or "Goodie".

            BTW – if I don't post a reply to you before things go dormant for the weekend – here's wishing that any of life's complications rest lightly in the coming days.

  13. SmutBoffin

    Doesn't this guy have a degree in mathematics? He probably knows how to solve partial differential equations 8 different ways and what Tychonoff's theorem means and also whatever the hell a conformal mapping is.

    He should be accustomed to patient, thoughtful inspection of different problems and discussing them in direct & correct terms. What gives? Did his business schoolin' turn his brain completely inside-out?

      1. MzNicky

        Also, what a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind, is being very wasteful. How true that is, too.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      He never had no business schooling. Perhaps he's one of those idiot savant type dudes, tremendous math skills and dumb as shit outside of that. I knew one guy like that. He seemed to live on a different planet. He would say the most outrageous shit and then look around with a blank expression and say, "Who said that?" Srsly.

    1. deelzebub

      Carthaga (et shit-for-brains Republicans) delenda est.

      It's bothering me that I can't place that map. I need some help, fellow geeks. I know it's a Mario Bros. one, I'm thinking one with Yoshi?

  14. El Pinche

    Apparently you Leftists have no clue. Everyday for 90 yrs Cain built pizzas on a need to know basis. THEY'RE CALLED ADVISORS!

    1. Crowe2011

      And if you put the toppings on just right, they look sorta like faces. Cain could prop them up in the Situation Room. "Morning General Pepperoni; what's the news on Ubekibekistan?"

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Hahahahaha. I have just added this appellation to my profile. Bow down, motherfuckers! BOW DOWN.

    1. flamingpdog

      Nice gold braid on the chapeau, Hermie. I'll really start worrying when he starts wearing it on epaulets.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    "It's okay if Herman Cain is geopolitically illiterate — he'll surround himself with people who are smarter than he is."
    "Okay, how's he going to do that?"
    "He'll interview people, and he'll pick the smart ones — sheesh."
    "But how will he know which ones are the smart ones?"
    "He'll get some people on a panel to interview the candidates with him, and they'll be experts, and they'll be able to tell."
    "So how will he pick the people on the panel?"
    "Shut the fuck up, you elitist."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Herman can throw darts at the D.C. phone book, and come up with a staff that's smarter than he is.

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Er, well, yes, not the dart-throwey stuff, of course, which animals sort of tend to seem to rather dislike. More like the selection by nonviolent means. As in do NOT pin the tail on the donkey. Not if there's scotch tape to be found.

  16. Dr_Zoidberg

    I don't need to know these things!! There will be plenty of time to learn about all those funny-sounding countries after I'm elected!! Henry Kissinger will help me!!

    1. MzNicky

      Or that other stupid guy, Perry. Or the idiot crazy-eyed lady. Or the loathesome fat-headed has-been guy.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          You mean like Rick Scott, Rick Snyder, Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Walker Texas Ranger, and all those other Republicans with interchangeable porno names?

  17. Mumbletypeg

    If Obama went back and rephrased that tacky slogan into "Winning the Future Back," well, I might applaud that message.
    But as Barry himself might put it: why waste a word or a rewrite when the glare of these contenders' incompetence is worth a thousand stammers?

  18. LetUsBray

    Wingnuts admire ignorance because learning things, representing as it does an openness to answers not already contained in one's ideology, is a sign of weakness in their dim little eyes. Belief trumps knowledge every time with these dumbfucks.

    1. iburl

      Ignorance = Good. Knowledge = Evil.

      I'd call it anti-intellectualism, but they are way too stupid to understand that word.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And looking for solutions implies there are problems or inequities, which is why we must reject thoughts such as climate change or inequality. Life is beautiful and God doesn't make junk; every home-skooler noes that.

      2. Negropolis

        Adam and Eve were punished for exactly that reason, which was always a fucked up story, to me. Apparently, God was completely content wwith living vicariously through his human puppets. How boring; what an incredibly uncreactive creator.

    2. starfanglednut

      A rational person observes reality, and bases an ideology on what alleviates suffering most effectively. A wingtard mindlessly adopts an ideology, and is infuriated when reality does not conform to it, thus living his/her life in a continuous state of anger.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Presidents don't have to know things; they just have to decide things. How will a President know what to decide? God will tell him.


  19. MzNicky

    Bein' president is hard work, especially when you're trying to shove women's faces into your crotch at the same time.

    1. sbj1964

      He thought they were talking about Cuba Gooding maybe? I didn't know he was even in jail.Herman Cain is just strange.

  20. Dok-cupy Everything

    OT, mostly, but not entirely, because it's good news about books, which contain that "knowledge" stuff that Mr. Cain is so opposed to: According to the NYC Mayor's Office twitter feed, the Occupy Wall Street Library went not into dumpsters, but into storage, and will be released shortly.

    Thanks for dialing down the douchery level ever so slightly, NYPD.

    In a related development, Herman Cain has offered to burn any books he comes across, to "level the playing field."

  21. chascates

    Didn't Palin claim any woman who headed a local PTA was qualified to be President? And since Herman Cain was the Decider of the National Restaurant Association that's close enough to . . . .
    “I’ve got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”

  22. Mothergooch

    "he is not entirely sure what 'Libya' is"

    It's a really hot chick. You should totally go check it out, Herminator.

      1. MzNicky

        I rather suspect Hermy's not the kind of sexual assaulter who's all that interested in the intricacies of the lady parts. I rather suspect he's more the "suck it and shut up, bitch" type sexual assaulter. You know, the kind who really really "respects women." Yeah, I'm running out of snark with this guy.

  23. Nesnora

    He went on to say:

    "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Now, we all know that's from his first choice for Secretary of State (assuming, of course that she "wants the job".)

      1. Herring_Burnit

        I'm sure he'll ask her that as he pushes her head towards his crotch. "You want the job, don't you?"

        "Then suck it, bitch" is the unspoken end to that sentence, of course.

  24. SaintRond

    If you look at the bookshelves behind Cain during his interview, you will see many interesting titles – "Harold the Farting Dog," "We Had You and that's why we're Poor," "Green Eggs and Ham," and "The Boy who ate his vegetables and Died."

    Okay, he's not an intellectual. But is being an intellectual something you want in a President? FUCK NO!!!

      1. Chichikovovich

        Yes, but this is a different book with the same title. It spells out the pizza recipes for Godfather's. (The eggs can be yellow or orange as well. Just so long as you get them cheaper than those so-called "fresh" white ones.)

    1. fartknocker

      The Pet Goat is also on his shelf. He'll peruse that when he's being advised that we've faced another terrorist attack.

    2. MzNicky

      My goodness, the children's classics have certainly changed since my dear ones were toddlers! I must find these titles for the grandchild!

  25. barto

    So that's what they mean by "take the high ground". Mountains. You can't bomb 'em, suckahs! Perfect place to build your nukes. Thankfully only a handful of our enemies know this, Herman Cain perhaps being one of them.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's because it didn't occur to the enemy leaders that they should surround themselves with excellent, capable people.

  26. hagajim

    Hey Hermie – we had eight years of ignorance based decision making under W – I think I'll take a pass.

  27. owhatever

    President Truman listened to his ground commander, then fired his arrogant ass. There is a reason we have civilian control over the military.

    1. WootInTarnation

      I love that story. It's my current bedtime reading.

      Shoot, MacArthur was a victim of history. He'd have NO trouble with his Presidential Bid in this election. Maybe a little too leftist, but that could be spun.

  28. Dok-cupy Everything

    Asked why facts and knowledge are anathema to him, Mr. Cain replied that his medical records are nobody's business but his own.

  29. SudsMcKenzie

    If he can explain the thinking behind "Hawaiian Pizza" he's got my vote.

    p.s. seeing "Recall Walker" petition stands in my neighborhood today.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but just in case – make sure that they are legit. Ask for the organization and check them out. Perhaps that Facebook boasting by Republican weasels concerning compiling lists of names and then burning them was just empty bluster, but maybe not.

      1. SudsMcKenzie

        Well, they were about 6 blocks away from the folks with the "Ron Paul" signs in the front yard and the pickup with a "9/11 was an Inside Job" bumper sticker in the drive way, so they seemed legit.

        1. fartknocker

          Damn Suds, I thought I was the only guy with a neighbor Who Learned About Muslims on 9-11 sign and has Ron Paul bumper stickers.

      1. NellCote71

        Oh, god, me too. The helicopter lifting off the White House lawn seemed to carry evil into oblivion. How incredibly naive.

      2. MzNicky

        I thought so too, back in the day. And he WAS the Devil. It's just that evil has become much more evil-er since those relatively innocent times.

        1. WootInTarnation

          On it.

          Somehow I knew the day would come when we missed Tricky. Sociopathic, paranoid, corrupt and a pathological liar. But he had a brain. And it emitted thoughts and analysis and critical judgments.

          I came to view him as the bellwether of the decline of the Presidency. But I had no idea how long the slope was. Judging from history, 2016 and 2020 will be even worse. What wondrous, magical new depths are in store for us!

        2. flamingpdog

          I bought a t-shirt back in the depths of the Dubya Error that has a picture of Nixon on the front with the caption "Somehow he doesn't seem so evil anymore".

      1. Herring_Burnit

        Sad, innit? That paranoiac, lying, miserable, nutsy, racist bastard was head and shoulders over the last X Republican presidents, and not a single one of the assholes now running is fit to lick his boots.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      I always said we only got Dubya because his Dad was determined not to go down as the WORST fucking President of all time, and Dubya was the only human being in the world who could make G.H.W. Bush look good.

      I am so crushed, shattered, overcome, defeated, bitter, cynical, and fucking dead.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        That's how low he set the bar. Once, we actually expected our leaders not to vomit in other leaders' laps, literally or figuratively. He managed to do both. What was it he said to Marcos? "We love your adherence to democratic principles," even as that autocrat was jailing thousands upon thousands of Pinoys for exercising their right to protest his leeching, strangling corruption.

    2. Negropolis

      Can you guys imagine Nixon breaking into the Democrat's HQs, today? Joke would be on him, 'cause there ain't shit left there, anymore. There's not an evil genius amongst the whole damned committee.

    1. sezme

      That's only because Einstein was busy inventing the bomb IN SWITZERLAND, Einstein. Also because the Swiss were neutered, or so I have been advised.

  30. jus_wonderin

    I really just want a President that I can drink a beer with. Isn't that all I need to know to cast my vote?

  31. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So that's how Switzerland got through WW2 unscathed. I always wondered, and never had a chance to ask the experts (former pizza chain executives) why it worked out so well for them.

  32. iburl

    Republicans actually think Reagan was a good president BECAUSE he was a brain dead zombie who took orders from his chief of staff.

  33. El Pinche

    Cain: “I want to talk to commanders on the ground. Because you run for president (people say) you need to have the answer. No, you don’t! No, you don’t! That’s not good decision-making,”

    He continued, "Just like the hoes. They don't need to say yes when you ask for some head. Just act stupid. Ooops, sorry for shoving your head on my cock."

  34. OneYieldRegular

    With that kind of reasoning, why don't Republicans just put up a mollusk, or a cactus, or a rock, or a cowboy boot for President?

  35. bureaucrap

    "Mr. Cain, would you have sent the troops into Normandy during WWII?"

    "Well, that's a good question. It's not the best top-tier alternative, because France has land and rivers, and trees, and farm animals. And an ocean. Two, isn't that right? Is the Mediterranean an ocean? And people. The best strategy is to use our heads. Instead, we would want to use buzzwords and catchphrases. Now THAT's leadership!"


  36. Come here a minute

    Cain will surround himself with the best experts, and he will recognize them by the propellers on their heads.

    Then he will make the best decision (deciderize, in the parlance of the Oval Office) based on his decision-making skills which were highly tuned over years of choosing pizza toppings.

  37. BlueStateLibel

    Hey, that map, isn't that the top-secret diagram of the famous floating island the libertarian millionaires were going to build? Did it sink yet?

  38. gurukalehuru

    Iran's a big country. Mountains in the north, deserts in the south. A couple of coastlines. A bit of a marshy area along the Iraqi border, if I'm not mistaken. A whole bunch of other stuff.

    But, you know what? If Herman Cain is not planning on attacking Iran, for whatever reason, I'm happy about that.

    1. MzNicky

      Well yes, but also, it's not as though he will ever get anywhere near the opportunity to do so, or not. By this time next year, he'll have gone back to doing whatever it is he does, besides shoving women's faces into his crotch.

  39. Herring_Burnit

    Has anyone told this eejit that Afghanistan sort of has it all over Iran in terms of, you know, mountains and stuff?

    Is it OK to weep for this country and dig one's eyes out with a tasteful silver spoon now? (No, not the one from Bloomberg's mouth: I wouldn't risk it, his head is RIGHT up his ass right now, obvs.)

    1. RavenRant

      Is it OK?

      Weeping, yes. Eye digging, no.

      You will need all your faculties for the 'interesting' times ahead.

        1. RavenRant

          I had to edit an eye-digging scene for 'Deadliest Warrior'. Turns out Pablo Escobar, the head of the Medellin drug cartel, was fond of that method of communication his disappointment with subordinates.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      You know Tosh can't help getting naked, and he'd definitely shove Cain's head toward his crotch.

  40. unclejeems

    Jebus effing Christ. We have a winner.

    This guy knows that Iran has "mountains" and that "mountains" and "topography" kind of go together. In terms of sheer brain power, that puts Cain at the top of the Republican dog-pile. Or in the big effing middle of the Republican hog-wallow. Or wherever.

    As far as Bachmann is concerned, Iran is a sentence describing something she did for Congress last year.

  41. DerrickWildcat

    Herman is kind of right. The Iranians have this secret weapon that the Chinese gave them. It electrifies the air above Iran so if a plane or missile flies over, they get electrocuted and blow up. I know some other top secret stuff too.

  42. ttommyunger

    "President Herman Cain" …as if Dubya didn't damage us enough. Something about America just pisses you off; right, God?

  43. datateday

    With places named "Donut Plains", "Cookie Mountain", and the "Cheese Bridge", I'm surprised Herman Cain doesn't just try to dive head-first into Super Mario World when it first comes on!

  44. Quayle2012_KNOT

    We developed smart bombs so the President doesn't have to know stuff. "Herman Cain, Ready to Hit the Ground Clueless!"

  45. smitallica

    It is becoming very clear to me that anyone smart enough to be President is too smart to be a Republican. Catch-22 for the GOP.

  46. sbj1964

    Herman Cain put it best himself; when he said that he " Herman Cain does not know how ,Herman Cain's brain works". From a casual observer my guess is it's broken. Maybe he got bad relationship advice from Tiger woods.

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