Beloved pretend video-game character “Mario” is in big trouble with the only organization on Earth known for not torturing animals: PETA. Taking a break from capturing naked girls to get the attention of anusburger-chomping slobs, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has turned its attentions to the pixelated Italian-American handyman because he is wearing β¦ a tanooki suit β¦ which is, uh β¦ a suit of clothes βresembling a Japanese tanuki raccoon dog.β
Is there really such a thing as a Japanese tanuki raccoon dog? Oh, apparently there is. And PETA is not liking how Mario runs around dressed like one, sometimes, because that is racist against raccoon dogs and because βby wearing Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that itβs OK to wear fur.β And it is not okay to wear fur, unless you are some kleptocrat’s Ukrainian hooker wife who will soon be led to the guillotine by the #OWS mobs.
As a result of this Important Debate, now PETA has a hard-hitting, Mario-hatinβ video on its website and the Gamers have countered with their own weird video, the end.
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PETA is the Rick Santorum of political causes – everyone just laughs!
Next, they'll be going after Pokemon for encouraging people to keep their pets trapped in little balls.
No, SexySmurf, they're going after you next for encouraging obesity among Smurfs…
Smurf smurf, FAT.
"they'll be going after Pokemon for encouraging people to keep their pets trapped in little balls. "
Uh oh. Two of my three pets *are* little balls.
“resembling a Japanese tanuki raccoon dog.”
PETA would be much happier if Mario ran around in a Jersey "Snooki" suit.
How does PETA feel about furries? And, no, I don't give a flying squirrel.
Wait…they know video games aren't real, right? I just want to double check because I've met plenty of people who think they've become invincible when they ate mushrooms.
One might even argue that even if the Mario universe were real, the Tanooki suit wouldn't represent the death of a real animal because it's a magical suit that appears out of thin air in a puff of smoke.
One might. I wouldn't, of course, because I'm not one of those dweeby gaming fags. But one of those might.
I just assumed that the outfit was cheap, polyester, and made in China.
No self-respecting Japanese would buy anything from China. They get all their cheap labor from Koreans, who aren't really people anyway if you ask any old Josuke Six-Pack.
Asking someone who watched the clip……..tentacle pr0n?
Nope, sorry. It's a Taiwanese produced video and I don't think they roll that way.
I've only watched Jersey Shore a couple of times, but I thought Tanooki was Italian.
Won't someone think of the pixels?
BTW, it's Weasle Stomping Day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k76IGLi6jWI
PETA gives animal welfare activists a bad name. Except when they have Pam Anderson naked. Then they're fine.
I haven't clicked on the link to be sure, but I'm assuming that it was PETA who introduced Kourtney and her passionate love of vegetables into my life. So I just can't hate them.
First they came for the pixelated Tanooki….
Indeed, the human exploitation of "animations"should be stopped!
Daffy and Bugs must drive them insane.
Games can trigger real world behavior I for example can’t be in any environment without sizing it up for Lemming escape routs.
some kleptocrat’s Ukrainian hooker wife
Haha — slightly related bit over in AZ. God I miss these weird little local dingbat also-ran's gutter stories ever since obscurestore.com was put to rest.
Ah, "The end."
Satisfying.
Laugh all you want, but this is a real fucking problem, you guys.
How are the tacos next door?
Fishy.
What do you mean, "next door"?
David Wu, izzat you?
Japanese Tanooki? Oh, so our blue heelers aren't good enough?
Jumping on top of turtles and kicking them into pipes is okay, but that fur suit has gotta go.
And besides the turtles, why don't they care about all the sentient walking, sometimes flying mushrooms, living bombs, and bird-fish hybrid thingies Mario has slaughtered over the years?
Earnest hand-wringers wringing hands earnestly.
Humorless cranks are humorless.
Save the captive slave dinosaurs!
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Wait – how the hell did you post an image in a comment??
Ascii is a hell of a character-encoding scheme.
Newfags can't tri–
Er, disregard my last.
Didn't PETA actually previously do a thing about Yoshi and how it's wrong to ride animals and where Luigi was running a Yoshi race betting business? Or did I just dip into the brown acid one too many times?
Next thing you know PETA will be demanding to know what happened to the Androsynth.
/obscure
Do you want to see our *surprising toys*? No!! Do not!!
Androsynth are so silly. We do not *tell stories* a lot about them.
I dig Peta but I don't care for the tzatziki…
I prefer hummus myself.
These puns make me felafel.
"I don't care for the tzatziki… "
I like it better than tofu, tabouli, tempeh, and tahini, but not as much as tempura.
Mario's not real? Next you'll tell us a real life Tanooki suit doesn't allow people to fly by flapping the tail, and turn into a statue for a few seconds!
Flying and turning into a statue are both traits of the mythological "tanuki" (as well as huge balls). This is not the same thing as the raccoon dog, just like Pegasus is not a real horse. But I guess PETA is suggesting that if I go and rip off the skin of a raccoon dog and put it on, I can fly.
*books a ticket to Europe*
Dear PETA:
Thanks for giving us enough material to keep our columns fresh until, oh, 2045.
Love,
The Onion
If PETA wants to be taken seriously, they would demand that Mario produce his long form birth certificate.
I'd love to comment on this post, but I have my mouth full of old-growth-Redwood-smoked baby seal meat slathered with a mousse of foie gras.
I'm picturing a matryoshka of goose, mouse, and baby seal.
It's an Eskimo turducken.
needs more shape shifting and comically enormous testicles.
Going after Mario is a good first step; next they need to stop Link of the Zelda games, who encourages people to stab such animals as bats, snakes, octoroks, leevers, moblins, tektites and peahats.
This would definitely be effective. Nothing says "2012 Teen Influencer" like 8-bit games from almost 30 years ago.
I'm going to withhold judgment until Ms. Pac-Man weighs in.
I'm not sure when the tanooki suit was first included in the Mario series of games and am too lazy to look it up, but I know it was in Super Mario Bros 3, which I believe I've owned since 1989 (and, yes, still love to play, cruelty against angry turtles and fish and all). Way to stay abreast of the latest in fictional atrocities, PETA. Next thing you know, we'll be hearing that the Berlin Wall is coming down or something.
It is NOT okay to wear cartoon fur.
We have the biggest furry convention in the world in my city and I've never seen a PETA person there.
P.S. Now I've got that Super Mario Bros. song in my head. Do-Do-Do-Doo-Do-Doo-do to-do-to-do-toot
βͺβ« Dooda doot duh ta doot duhtadooda, doota doot duh ta doot dootdootdoot
Dooda doot duh ta doot duhtadooda doota DOOT DOOT DOOT. βͺ β«
PITA vs Gamers….Jeeze talk about 2 groups of people that need a hobby other than being a dork. Be cool and try out stamp collecting instead.
Maybe there will be some sort of in-person confrontation leading to a lot of awkward groping and random hook-ups.
Why not. Neither of um shave.
Philately?!! Numismatics is where it's at, yo.
Baby steps up to Railfan, ShitFilled, baby steps.
At least Gamers are solving world problems, didn't they solve a complex puzzle involving HIV research just last month?
"Be cool and try out stamp collecting instead."
I hear the debating team is looking for new members.
"Thank you PETA, but my ability to care about this dumb shit is in another castle!"
tan tan tanuki no kintama wa.
kaze mo nai no ni bura, bura.
would PETA be going after Mario if he wasn't an Italian-American? just sayin'…
Those tanuki critters are cute — but I'd be more interested in protecting them if they did something constructive — for instance, ate the occasional baby like the good dingoes of Australia.
According to the Japanese, tanuki can shapeshift into anything, and can make money out of leaves.
They also have the swingingest pair of cajones in the Eastern Hemisphere.
But they say nothing of the mountains of murdered squirrels in Oregon Trail. Not cute enough for you, eh PETA? Fucking hypocrites.
Hang on….this means I can't fap to my favorite furry?
I'M OUTRAGED!
two fun facts about raccoon dogs! 1) they were introduced into Europe last century and they're thriving quite well in the wild, thank you, and 2) the Japanese folk image of them for some reason focuses on them having really, really big balls: http://outsiderjapan.pbworks.com/f/Tanuki-5.jpg
If PETA is concerned about a pixelated fictional character wearing a fursuit, nobody tell them about Anthrocon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wNitlH_rc0
Yes, yes, yes. But what does PETA think about Angry Birds?
Attention whoring? From my PETA?
It's more likely than you think!
What. The. Fuck.
Makes you want to go out and eat raccoon meat, it does. Hint: Marinade for 24 hours in vinegar.
It's best to choose a NON-rabid raccoon (also true of squirrel and possum).
Oh PETA, you dumb cunts. Your stupid shit is doing more harm than anything else, because when people rightly tune you out for being dumb cunts, your cause goes with you.
What? There's not enough gratuitous violence against real animals in this country, so they have to attack violence against cartoon animals? Nice move, PETA. I mean, (as Gob Bluth might say) "C'mon!"
Their hearts are in the right place, but their heads are up their asses.
I'll take them over Friend of Animals any day. Their founder is feral. . .no literally, Priscilla Feral.
"Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on or use for entertainment. …"
They go after the Alaskan Iditarod race ever single year, it's a good annual fundraiser for them.
zakly
Cartoon animals with fur lined pockets and talking animals in general make life worth living.
Every time I see a PETA press release I want to grab the nearest squirrel and just start slathering experimental cosmetics on it, for freedom.
Well I'm fucked than, 'cause just last night I incinerated a bunny in Skyrim JUST FOR FUN!
Hell, I've been setting innocent wildlife on fire left and right, just for the practice to up my Destruction Magic skill.
Great idea. Ima gonna go home tonight and torch some squirrels in Psychonauts.
I while away MANY hours shooting wolves in Red Dead Redemption. Honestly, I think I'm responsible for the Endangered Species status of the Mexican gray wolf.
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Can't they do something more productive and useful lots of people can rally behind, like terrorize Michael Vick or release more bizarre video games with Pamela Anderson?
Does PETA keep these naked supermodels in cages, or do they Catch and Release…
Watch out furries: you're next. You've been warned.
…Which is why I insist on shaved Tanooki, or none at all.
Play Peta's own 'New Super Chick Sisters'. Power-up large Chick Sister with the Catfish Mode. Why what is this? "PETA SUPPORTS THE WEARING OF CATFISH THROUGH THEIR SHOWING OF A CATFISH SUIT AND ARE PROMOTING IT WITH CHILDREN SINCE THE GAME HAS A CHILDREN FRIENDLY VERSION AND DON'T SAY 'THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A CATFISH SUIT' BECAUSE PETA THEMSELVES ARE GIVING THE IDEA THAT CATFISH ARE OPTIONS AS SOMETHING TO SLAUGHTER AND WEAR!!1!!!1!!"
Of course, Tanuki is real – he was the main character in that incredibly stupid Tom Robbins novel which I have blessedly forgotten the name of.
Seriously, I rate Tom Robbins as perhaps the greatest writer of the late 20th century, but everything after Skinny Legs and All is complete crap.
"that incredibly stupid Tom Robbins novel which I have blessedly forgotten the name of."
All of them?
PETA ( People Eating Tasty Animals) Nothing more than a bunch of Tofu eating weirdo's.
Do the Chinese really skin these animals while they are alive and conscious? Uh, that doesn't seem very nice.
PETA ,has to be one of the most ridiculous group of people ever. Their leaders Moonbeam,and Star child should just stick to drinking the bong water !
These assholes are like the Westboro Baptist Church of animal rights.
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