Pop quiz time! How many of the following things in this paraphrase of some dumb thing Stay-Puft clone Newt Gingrich said during a recent GOP debate are true: “The $300,000 I was paid by Freddie Mac were for my services as, uh, a historian.” Correct answer: ZERO. Newt was paid at least $1.6 million, and part of his job was to shill Freddie Mac’s good name to congressional Republicans who wanted to burn the government-backed mortgage giant to the ground. Of course, it also turns out that Newt was earning all these piles of silly monies by lying about his True Feelings, since he immediately started to trash Freddie Mac the minute he stopped getting their checks.
Exhibit A, from Bloomberg:
Former Freddie Mac officials familiar with his work in 2006 say Gingrich was asked to build bridges to Capitol Hill Republicans and develop an argument on behalf of the company’s public-private structure that would resonate with conservatives seeking to dismantle it.
Exhibit B, from TalkingPointsMemo:
As Republicans presidential nominee John McCain struggled to match his opponent in the polls, Newt Gingrich urged the Arizona Senator to reboot his campaign by relentlessly attacking Democrats for being too close to housing giant Freddie Mac. That would be the same Newt Gingrich who took a reported $1.6 million in “consulting fees” from Freddie Mac during an eight-year relationship that had ended only months earlier.
Is his real name even NEWT? (Because seriously, how is that anyone’s real name.) [Bloomberg/TPM]
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“I can’t handle the truth!”
–Newt Gingrich
I hope his pants are on fire all day long too.
Judging by his promiscuous ways, his crotch is almost certainly on fire all day long.
Prevaricator, prevaricator, trousers aflame!
At his size, the inner thigh friction just from shuffling between restaurants has to be intense.
I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
For one thing, liquid on a grease fire is just bad news…
He generates enough energy to power a whole village of idiots.
Or–at the very least–on all day.
Oh boy, it's Newt's turn on the Wheel of (Well Deserved) Misfortune.
BTW it's easier to list what Newty Toot isn't lying about:
…
That is all.
You expect the people voting in the Republican primaries to remember things from 2006 and 2008?
They can't even remember which flavor of Cheetohs they had for dinner last night or which Hoverround they used to "walk" the dog this morning. Why would you expect them to remember actual facts?
That's quite true and quite fair. On the other hand I remember reading Newton's involvement in the clusterfuck of Operation Iraqi Liberation. There were stories floating around that he wanted to be known as "General" Newt.
Indeed. They don't seem to like bringing up their hero, Dubya any more either because he wasn't a "true conservative". Only they voted for him twice and loudly defended every awful thing he did. And look., turns out we were right. Again.
Hell, since the meltdown of 2008, all I've heard is that Chris Dodd and Barney Frank were the only two people that benefited from Freddie Mac.
Wasn't there a Dr. Seuss character named "The Gingrich?"
And he waged a war on Christmas.
Except his belly grew 3 sizes at the buffet.
Yes. He was a "mean one", fittingly.
He is indeed nasty-wasty.
Well played.
While the Grinch's heart was three sizes two small, I'd bet Newt's dangerously engorged heart is three sizes too large.
Isn't Newt due for a new wife soon?
Nah, whats-er-face ain't on her death bed yet.
Photographic evidence suggests otherwise.
Botox overdoes?
Can she even close her eyes at night. Of course, if I lived with Newt, I would want to keep, nah, can't even go there.
*shaking head* The damned lamestream media and their "gotcha!" questions….
"Is his real name even NEWT? (Because seriously, how is that anyone’s real name.)"
And "Gingrich"! What the fuck is up with that? Is this what happens to a person who has to go through his whole life with a name like "Newt Gingrich"?
Given that he's from Georgia, maybe "Newt Gingrich" is a Cherokee expression meaning "Giant-mouthed fat fuck sleazebag?"
Between this and the Karl Rove post, I think I've reached my maximum daily allowance of lying corrupt doughy old white men.
KS, binge and purge is an option. Though, I get that out of order when I see either of these two.
What? We can't have a Haley Barbour post today?
Put your diamonds on quick Cally, time for another cruise!
That headline can be used interchangeably with most of the republican party.
Tell me in that picture he doesn't look like a Scottish fold. But not so much cuddly.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scottish_Fold
Maru libel!
Thanks for letting us know that there is an entity by the name of
"The Governing Council of The Cat Fancy".
Needs moar rivers and burlap sacks.
Ugh. But true.
Oh, a cat. I expected a dish of something disgusting served in a wrinkly intestine.
I was too. My trembling finger clicked the link as I expected to see a picture of fresh vomit in a sheep's stomach. Instead, it was awwwww, kitties!
Yeah, way too cute and lovable to resemble Newt.
all the GOP base cares about is that he's a condescending dick to debate moderators.
He's a condescending dick to everybody — an equal-opportunity condescender! Newt @ the Pearly Gates: "Listen, 'Yah-Weh,' or whatever you call yourself these days. I fucked all those women because I loved my country so much. Is that just too complex for a supposedly all-knowing, all-seeing deity to comprehend?
He managed to find several women willing to fuck him?
He's rich.
Courtesy of Freddie Mac.
There's a certain kind of woman whose equivalent of "beer goggles" is the distortion you get when you look through a huge, sparkling, glistening rock.
Do we have proof of that? No, wait, I rather not see it.
He said he couldn’t recall details of the contracts with Freddie Mac. “You are asking me about 12 years ago,” he said.
Allow me to refresh your memory, Newt…in 1999 we had peace and prosperity under Bill Clinton. That was after you were out of office and before the nightmare reign of W…remember now?
I am pretty sure I could remember if I made 1.6 million 12 years ago. Hell, I could remember that for the entirety of my 52 years!
I thought he was a goddam historian.
Conservative history has nothing to do with remembering the truth.
Read his take on The Battle of Gettysburg. The term "historian" and Newt Gingrich are mutually exclusive.
God dammit, I do.
Newt should use the Marion Barry crack defense: he had to take all the money, see, to keep it from corrupting more vulnerable members of Congress. Yeah, that's right.
In the service of his country!
I thught his defense was "the bitch set me up"?
Baby New Year is a liar?
American Acceptionalism !
Doersn't Tiffany's need a lobbyist/spokesthing, to convince the OWS Movement to not trash its plate glass windows as they march uptown tomorrow?
If you think this bad, wait til it's Santorum's week to be the one with a surge. Not all bad, I guess – at least we'll have the fun of hearing Diane Sawyer use the phrase "Surging Santorum".
Or even worse if Santorum's numbers just get slowly closer and closer to Romney's. Then it will be "The relentless "drip, drip" of approaching Santorum".
Santorum No Longer Trails Behind Romney
Bravo, sir, bravo. *slow clap*
"Coming up in the poles is Santorum…"
But "I was only doing it for the money" is probably a good excuse for Republican primary voters.
Well, the ex-wife's cancer was real. So I think the model is that anything Newt says that reflects well on his character is just bullshit.
OT, but if they have a historian, do you think Fannie Mae has an opening for a Poet in Residence?
Looks like it.
Poet mortgageate?
When his old lies get cancer he just dumps them.
For younger, intern lies?
Newt Gingrich is a passionate man. Very passionate, for America. So great is his passion that sometimes he just has to straight-up fuck a huge pile of cash to keep his lust for freedom and liberty under control. You don't want to see Newt Gingrich with a case of red-white-and-blue-balls. It's scary.
While I can picture that (argh), I can also imagine (ewww) Newt rolling a Benjamin up as if he was going to snort a line, but using it to jiggle his girth while moaning "Here's your contract with America, baby!"
It's only fair to point out, though, that Gingrich's innate charm and gentle wit should overcome any difficulties he may have in dealing with his sordid past. The guy is just so likeable!
Maybe you have him confused with Idi Amin.
“The $300,000 I was paid by Freddie Mac were for my services as, uh, a historian.”
By "Historian," Newt means having an extensive history of being a corrupt douchebag and serial adulterer.
Why is this mendacious fat fuck and the other lying, bloated asshole still allowed out in to polite company? Newt, Karl , go the fuck away. Just GO away.
So what you're saying is, Newt Gingrich is a bit of a dick?
As in that bit of the foreskin that you throw away after circumcision. Yes. I'm pretty sure the technical name for that is the "Newt."
In God We Trust. Newt, on the other hand, has to pay cash up front.
He's the one Georgian that they won't give the new license plate to.
He is originally from Georgia. Maybe we should stamp one of those plates on his wide load ass.
Not at Tiffany's', he doesn't.
You'll need to be a little more precise than that, Mr. Former Speaker. For the love of Saint Ronnie — pulling a halfway coherent defense statement from your piehole is as promising as pulling lint free from that gelatin-packed belly-hole.
Why would a mortgage company want to hire someone as a historian?
To revise it, obvs.
He's 68 and 400 pounds overweight. How is he still alive as a viable candidate? Actually, how is he still alive at all?
Actually, how is he still alive at all?
I'm sure Newtie is partaking of the same formaldehyde and goat jism potion that keeps
the Corpse of Malibu BarbieCallista looking somummifieddewy fresh.That's what the whole "Deal With Satan" thing is all about, y'know.
Government Health Care.
Tiger blood, oh, and the occasional aborted fetus.
The GOP have really made this Blowvember oh so special. And Newt is nothing more than gyrating goatfucker.
The quality of Freddie Mac's outstanding management never ceases to impress me.
Why didn't headline say Newt is a Douche? Or maybe Newt is big fat dickhole with no redeeming value?
Facts are lazy and facts are late… Facts don't do what I want them to. Facts just twist the truth around… (David Byrne, and as an aside, RIP Laura Kennedy)
"Is his real name even NEWT? (Because seriously, how is that anyone’s real name.) " It's actually NOT! From the wikipedia: "Gingrich was born Newton Leroy McPherson, at the Harrisburg Hospital in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania on June 17, 1943."
Though to be frank, I would rather we use the name of a toxic, thin-skinned salamander rather than the name of one of the great scientists of all time.
Just further proof that Freddie and Fannie aren't run like real businesses. If they had been, they would have kept Newt on the payroll so he would say the right thing. Doesn't everyone know by now that Newt's first loyalty is to money and bling?
Money, bling and increasingly younger booty.
Oh, Newt isn't loyal the booty.
You are right. Substitute 'loyal' with 'hot for.'
Done and done.
Suge Knight has just signed up to manage Newt's campaign and label, "Fat Boy Records."
I wish he'd end up like some of the folks that have been "managed" by Suge Knight…
Oh my, what's this? government watchdogs noted that politicians like Gingrich often deliberately structured “consultant” jobs to circumvent lobbying registration requirements.
So in addition to being a lying, scheming, porcine motherfucker, Newtie is also corrupt and avaricious. Well, I am SHOCKED.
Yeah Newt's an 'ideas man'.. The ideas are to take large sums of money and lie about it.
You gotta admit, though. That's a great idea.
Moderator: Mr. Gingrich, can you explain the accusations that you have received 1.6 million dollars from the organization you heavily criticized?
Newt: Fuck You! No really, Fuuuuckkkk Yooouuuuu! I don't have to answer your fucking questions. I don't have to answer to anyone.
That's known as "The Herman Cain Defense".
O/T but Herb Cain stated today in a speech that he would legalize marijuana if he's elected President.
But own a bong, go to prison.
Remember how Newt was scared being in the same room with Clinton, because he was worried Clinton would "charm" him. How much would it take to pay Clinton to just follow Newt around?
And poke him and ask him "Does this bug you"? "Does this bug you"? All day.
And maybe repeat what he says as he says it…incessantly.
Given Willie's taste in mistresses, a few of Callista's blowjobs would be all he'd want.
I think we should all try getting into the GOP primary just to enjoy the glory of a one week surge in the polls. we still got at least two months to Iowa and only Republicans who haven't got to be the anti-Romney yet are Sanatorum and Huntsman.
Who do I have to blow to get a 1.6 million contract?
Freddie Mac. Enjoy.
I'll give you the contract after you're done.
all of them, Katie.
A Republican senator.
If you look at it honestly, though, unless he suddenly admits he's unethical, hypocritical, dishonest demagogue with a giant ego who enjoys talking down to everyone around him, pretty much everything he says about himself is going to be a lie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiiE-h9ZYag
One good thing you can say about Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann is they at least have real names. Not like Newt, or Mitt.
James Richard Perry
Willard Mitt Romney
Newton Leroy Gingrich
Then there's Rick Santorum. With that last name, he must have had a tough time in high school, like my classmate Joe Seaman. Or Ana Marie Cox for that matter.
SWEET CHEEKS LIBEL!
Michele is a real name?
I believe this is what's referred to in politics as a "dick move".
He's also against that crony capitalism.
He just treated Freddie Mac like he did his ex-wives.
And with this Dirk I thee screw.
His real name is:
DRAINAGE!
How cute! You think Newt has "true feelings". His only feelings are the kind that are licensed out at an hourly rate.
Next he'll say he was completely faithful to his wife during this consultancy gig.
Calling Newt Gingrich a historian is like calling Bill O'Reilly a historian.
"Who are you going to believe? Me, or
your lying eyesthe librul media?"He looks like a fat and old Ann Coulter.
Which is kinda cool since Ann Coulter looks like a skinny and old Ann Coulter.
Which is kinda cool since Ann Coulter looks like
a skinny and old Ann Coulterthe anorexic bastard love child of Donatella Versace and Nicki Minaj.Fixed.
Oh sweet jesus…man, something cannot be unseen.
As it should be seeing as how Ann Coulter is an old man.
All of a sudden, I'm all for Waterboarding!
He'll just blame this on the "fact" that he cares too much for country and is working too hard. Just like his adultery.
So by your analogy Newt is like a prostitute who would derisively talk about her client after the money has changed hands. I for one feel this analogy is unfair maybe even cruel after all many prostitutes have repeat business. I have never heard of anyone willingly hiring Newt for a second screwing.
And yet, Newt's hoping that America will.
Me: "It's sad that the news media doesn't report accurately how Newt works."
Maria Bartiromo: "What is the media reporting inaccurately about Newt?"
Me (incredulously): "What?!? Maria Bartiromo is talking to me! She's the Money Honey. And she's talking to me!"
And serial adulterer to boot. I think we have a winner here!
Newt was brought up on 85 ethics violations. And he's considered a front runner for the Republiklan nomination.
Beam me up, Scotty.
Interesting: In 2000, the GOP went with Bush, who was Clinton but without the intelligence. Now they are enamored with Newt, who is Clinton without the charisma.
I believe that $1.6 million was for horseplay or some other non-rapey activity with the poor folks at Freddie, Newt explained.
You were first, but I nailed it to the shower wall.
Too soon?
Wait til Callista hears about the size of that paycheck. She'll be down at Tiffany's before you can say high-pitched blame-deflecting liar and adulterer.
Fish gotta swim
Birds gotta fly …
I sure hope before Newt took this quiz, that he transferred ownership of his house to his wife for $1…
I'd like to see Newt at the next debate hooked up to an electrical shock device that's controlled by his two ex-wives — anytime he says something they think is a lie they get to give him a good jolt. Of course it would have to automatically stop after 30 seconds of continuous operation, because I'm sure even if he says "Aarrrrrrgh" he's probably finding some way to make that a lie as well.
Newt is in an elite club of the seriously MOST loathesome Republican turds around. Sure, they're all loathsome turds, but some of them go above and beyond.
In septic tanks, the big chunks rise to the top.
He was not "lobbying" for Freddie Mac. What you saw was just horsing around, snapping towels, that sort of thing. Is he attracted to money over principle? Well, uh…no, certainly not.
Exactly! What principles?
Nice.
Well of course he was lying! Everything about the Newtster is a lie. Have you seen his "wife"? Tell me she isn't made up.
Wait til Callista hears about the size of that paycheck. She'll be down at Tiffany's before you can say high-pitched blame-deflecting liar and adulterer.
The Hillbilly Dough Boy.
The Republican 2012 Presidential Field is an aircraft carrier that just won't flush.
Newt needs to sell a lot of books and whore himself out for causes he doesn't believe in so he can afford to buy new vapid wives to replace the ones that he gave cancer. Hey, that might be a good slogan for his fake presidential campaign!
Newt needs to change his famous quote "If you quote me, you're lying". It needs to be
"If you quote me , I'm probably lying".
Mouth opens up, lies come out; who can explain it?
Callista got to go to Tiffany's
whats fair is fair on some one else dime.
And, Mitt Romney supposed to be the one without the soul. Puh-leaze.
And I thought it was Newtard.
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