Just poop in a chair!America’s greatest president was George H.W. Bush (the old one), because he bombed a lot of Mexicans somewhere, Panama maybe? Oh and one time he had a war in Iraq, but that was lame because it only lasted a few days and didn’t kill a million people and there was no Abu Ghraib torture pornography. Also, he said “read my lips,” which is gross, and then he raised taxes a little teeny tiny bit on the billionaires even though mostly they had their taxes cut. So, in many ways, George H.W. Bush was a dismal failure, just like the new U.S. Navy Aircraft Carrier George H.W. Bush, which has no working toilets for like 5,000 dudes and some ladies too, who are holding it in so long they’re having “health problems.”

The Navy Times reports on this important story:

The Navy’s newest aircraft carrier has a messy problem. Since deploying in May, the Norfolk, Va.-based carrier George H.W. Bush has grappled with widespread toilet outages, at times rendering the entire ship without a single working head.

But it’s no laughing matter. Sailors tell of combing the ship for up to an hour to find a place to do their business, if they can find one at all. Others have resorted to urinating in showers or into the industrial sinks in their work stations. Some men are using bottles and emptying the contents over the giant ship’s side, while some women are holding it in for so long that they are developing health problems, according to sources on the ship.

The sailors blame the ship’s vacuum system. But the Navy is blaming sailors for flushing “inappropriate material” down the toilets.

And what would be “inappropriate material,” for the fancy new toilet ship? Osama bin Laden? Tampons? Hashish because there’s about to be a search? We bet it is “hashish,” as every Navy dude we’ve ever known who comes back from “that part of the world” is all, “Oh my god, we were so high on hashish for like three years.”

The important thing is that the U.S. Military is now literally shitting all over the world, too. [Navy Times via a Wonkette tipster who threatened to stop reading Wonkette forever if we failed to post something on this Crucial Story]

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  • dduke45

    Yup, up shit's creek without a toilet..

    • robertsgt40

      How fitting. Anything related to Bush, full of shit.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Strange…a boat names after a piece of shit won't let its crew take a shit.

  • Come here a minute

    Rick Perry will solve this problem, because it only goes up to number two.

    • snackypants

      I see what you did there.

  • freakishlywrong

    Republic, thy name is banana.

  • emmelemm

    And yet, each toilet cost the U.S. government $200,000. From a private contractor.

  • PuckStopsHere

    What the fuck? They got an entire ocean to piss into. What's the prob? I'm tired of people expecting govt to solve all of their little problems.

    • Negropolis

      Many a brave sailor has been lost trying to shit over the side of an aircraft carrier.

      • Oblios_Cap

        And no small number of drunk ones, either.

        • Negropolis

          That's redundant, isn't it?

    • CapeClod

      Simple solution. Everyone is required to take their dumps just forward of the steam catapult that launches the planes.

  • tcaalaw

    What's the over-under on a conservative commentator blaming this on the repeal of DADT leading to large numbers of used prophylactics being flushed after gay orgies on the ship?

    • Bareback or GTFO.

    • riverside68

      The good news is that if they don't have condoms they are using breadbags for protection.

      The bad news is that they fit.

      (Adapted from an old prison rape joke, it's okay I have done my time and can make the joke.)

    • Sailors have never been particularly choosy about teh gay. They have a special dispensation, like prisoners, so any old port in a storm.

    • WootInTarnation

      Tampons or gay condoms.

  • Chichikovovich

    "rendering the entire ship without a single working head."

    So in other words, just like his son W.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      well done

    • teatarded2012

      oh, you beat me to it….

    • Nostrildamus

      I'll always remember where I was when I heard that joke.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Bravo/a, Sir or Madam!

      • Chichikovovich

        Thanx. (It's "Sir" – Russian patronymics are marked for gender. I'm Chichikovovich, Chichikovna is my wife.)

  • Terry

    "The sailors blame the ship’s vacuum system. But the Navy is blaming sailors for flushing “inappropriate material” down the toilets."

    Response of the engineers who misdesigned the toilet system: Yeah, if that tiny percentage (10% maybe) of the crew wasn't female, the toilets would work. It's the chicks fault.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It's the little people's fault. Dumb bastards don't use the heads properly.

      You would think they would teach them how during Basic Training. So much for that "Best and Brightest" members of society crap.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I have zero doubts that this is the problem. Same as it is on airplanes.

      You do have to wonder why they need a vaccum system on a carrier … does gravity not work?

      • DaRooster

        The system gets all confused when crossing the Equator…

      • …does gravity not work?

        Yowza, it do, but on the sea uphill can quickly become downhill and then the shit hits the fan the flushed turds unflush themselves, often like a fountain.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          On a sailboat, sure … but an aircraft carrier? If your carrier is getting tossed around that badly, you have much bigger problems than messy toilets.

          • Tales from my dad, a swabbie in WWII, that in the men's room you never, ever stood at the shallow end, high end if you're level, of the urinal because downhill could become uphill quickly. That was on the Saratoga, obvs a smaller carrier than the Bush but not a PT boat.

          • Nostrildamus

            Aircraft carriers are big. Oceans are bigger. Oceans win.

      • Biff

        Once upon a time, ol' Biff here had a small yacht. The head had a hand-operated macerator which quickly rendered even the biggest dump into fish food with just a few pumps of the handle. You'd think such a system might still work, if only as a back-up, but noooo

        • HogeyeGrex

          Backup plan?

          Please. This is a Bush we're talking about.

          Hell, Jr. didn't even have a Plan A.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          It would be a titanium/tantalum alloy macerator with redundant hydraulic systems and a maintenance manual the size of War and Peace … but yeah, it would work. Most of the time.

          • Biff

            Unobtanium ftw!

        • Terry

          Oh, just imagine what water in and around San Diego harbor and the docks at Norfolk be like.

          I love the smell of coliforms in the morning. It smells like victory.

  • WunkRocker

    So let me get this right. We've had aircraft carriers since well about 100 years. And people have been shitting for, well forever. ALL OF THE SUDDEN it is the sailors' fault? In 100 years they've not had a problem but NOW the paradigm has shifted? How about we just make Dick Cheney eat it all?

  • RadiosTyrone

    It's the piece of shit dividend.

  • Schmannnity

    Bring back the poop deck.

  • lefty74

    Military saying: 'Steam goes up, shit goes down, and payday is Friday"
    Well 2 outa 3 ain't bad.

  • neiltheblaze

    At long last! Someone is covering Toiletgate.

  • Isn't it ironic that something named "Bush" can't send things down the shitter?

  • Mahousu

    I thought you had to be dead first to have things named after you. Was the Navy trying to hurry Bush Sr. along a little bit?

  • mavenmaven

    I don't need to know about sh#$, when I get there I'll know.

  • chascates

    Plumbing by Halliburton?

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Send in the Norovirus. Shit will really hit the fan.

  • MARCdMan

    Just declare the starboard side for the ladies and have the gentlemen use the port side and you have this problem fixed.

    • Guppy


  • Studebaker Hawk

    The sailors should just carry their aborted poop around in a jar.

    • WootInTarnation

      There's a substantial revenue stream in this for the Franklin Mint. Soldiers already have to buy a bunch of their own gear, why not their own chamber pots? Aside from the popular politician line, think of the personalization opportunities. I'm tellin' ya, it smells like a win-win for some guy with a buddy in high places. Cost basic chamber pot = $3. Government price basic chamber pot = $100, without design.

  • We all knew Bush the Elder was the shits.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Dear Troops,
    You're Welcome!

    Northop Grumman

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If you let the flyboys design the navy's toilets, you have to expect they're going to pull a prank. Nothing they can't fix with an extra billion dollars, so it's all in good fun.

  • DaRooster

    So… Mexican food Friday is out?

  • DaRooster

    I have never heard of this happening. You would think by now they would have this shit figured out. Did someone try to reinvent the wheel… or the porcelain bus in this case? Sounds like a pretty stupid thing to do… but considering the source namesake…

  • Baconzgood

    That's a pretty shitty ship.

  • Goonemeritus

    We bet it is “hashish,”

    Exactly how large a chunk of hashish does it take to stop up industrial grade plumbing? Being a well respected applied scientist I would be willing to put my shoulder to the wheel and do some much needed testing.

    • I was thinking bricks of cocaine, but hash works too.

    • riverside68

      industrial grade?

      No one said anything about industrial grade, These shitters are only for twice a day use.

      Industrial grade is gonna cost extra.

  • It’s like the Love Boat only shittier. I didn’t think that was possible.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Given that Cunard and Carnival (heck, even the White Star Line) got this figured out years ago … maybe the Navy should ask them for a bit of advice?

  • Negropolis

    Toilets Fail On Fancy New George H.W. Bush Aircraft Carrier

    Someone really needs to confront Babs about her diet.

    But, seriously, that family is so full of shit they could sink the entire United States' navy.

  • BTW OT – warning: graphic photo if you click the clickie

    The brave poleeze in C"Addle bagged an 84-year-old lady occupier yesterday. A preggers 19-year-old too, also.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      We have to pepper-spray peacefully demonstrating old ladies here so we won't have to… oh, wait, there actually is no justification for ever doing that.

    • Oh, that is so sad.

    • neiltheblaze

      She must have really intimidated those strapping, manly cops, huh?

    • Biff

      Jesus Christ…

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Madeline Albright's looked better.

    • Isyaignert

      Most cops are useless teenie weenie bullies. Who's going to protect us from them?

    • WootInTarnation

      We decided that a rally outdoors was no safe place for a senior to be. Therefore, it was necessary to employ pepper spray to safely extricate her from a dangerous situation that might have injured her. Also, unaccompanied seniors exercising their First Amendment rights can now expect such respectful assistance from all police assigned to keep the peace and prevent unnecessary injuries.

      Many argue that seniors are no longer capable of making political decisions or verbalizing their rights, so as the guardians of public safety and democracy, in future, we shall provide a pick-up and drop-off service for any seniors we see wandering into an area that might be used by pinko agitators.

      Seniors will have first priority when it comes to arrests and seats in the police van. We are honored to provide this service free of charge even to dementia-addled oldsters who probably think FDR was a good president.

  • Negropolis

    Which defense contractor designed the plumbing on this puppy, and how many zillions of dollars did we overpay them for their shitty service? **pun fully intended**

  • It's too bad this Aircraft Carrier isn't near a large open body of water so everybody could just pee off the deck or something.

    • MOG2410

      1000 sailors peeing off the deck, great visual. But then, what about the other?

    • TeaNuts

      Two handed salute, just stand up wind.

  • DahBoner

    I am fluent in Farsi:

    Kish kosh ish hash ish?

    Does anyone know what I just said?

  • Oblios_Cap

    This gives a whole new meaning to the term "scuttlebutt"!

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Read my ships?

    • Chichikovovich

      No new crapses.

    • DaRooster

      Read my ships shits.

      Like tea leaves!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    It's nice to see that somebody finally gave Joe the Plumber a job.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The Navy’s newest aircraft carrier has a messy problem. But it’s no laughing matter.

    Oh, but it is, Blanche. It most certainly is.*

    *Okay, this is lame, but y'all already took all the good poop and shit jokes. YOU BASTARDS.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    In the days of sailing ships those who served "before the mast" simply went up to the bowsprit/dolphin striker and straddled the rigging to take a shit. May have to return to those days. George H W Bush: original intent US Navy warship.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    We need further investigation to ensure that this aircraft carrier is a floater, not a sinker.

  • Something about hash?

    Man, those were the fuckin days…..

  • Join the Navy!

    They're looking for a few wise cracks.

    • SorosBot

      Yvan eth nioj.

  • Indiepalin

    If there were this sort of toilet emergency on an aircraft carrier named after a democrat president, Wonkette would've buried this story like a turd on a playground. I smell double-standard. No, really, smell something…

    • Negropolis

      No, really, smell something…

      It's not our fault that you have an aversion to showering.

      • I thought that smell was Indie's badge of courage from earning all those wondrous downfist points while sharing the word at those Brietfart sites.

    • Oblios_Cap

      So Wonkette has graduated to being a member of the "respectable media" , much like Faux News?

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      This scandal is nothing to sniff at!

      • Biff


  • Redhead

    Wow, that boat is close to being more full of shit than the Bush administration! That's an accomplishment.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, I thought everyone already knew that George Bush was full of shit.

  • arihaya

    “inappropriate material”

    they can save ink by printing it for what it is: Condoms

  • BigDumbRedDog

    What is it with engineers? Some system is obviously royally screwed up and they just throw up their hands and claim "operator error". It has become a running joke at my company. "Oh my, that lightbulb burned out. You must not have been using it correctly."

    • SorosBot

      They're engineers; they can never admit they fucked up, it's always somebody else's fault, as is also the case with computer programmers and IT guys. Most engineers seem to consider themselves scientists, even though they're not, and think they're smarter than everyone else, even though they're not; it probably correlates with how so many of them are Libertarian cultists

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        As somebody on BoingBoing (Cory Doctorow, I think) pointed out, most "mad scientists" in the movies are actually mad engineers.

        • user-of-owls

          And most "mad engineers" are actually "prolific posters on Wonkette."

      • Biff

        As someone who spent a lifetime in the building trades (operating engineer) trying to figure out wtf the engineers designed, I can only say if they were half as smart as they thought they were, there'd be no need for as-builts.

  • LiveToServeYa

    In its decline, the US navy falls from 'blue-water' to 'brown-water'.

    • riverside68

      actually the stuff from the toilets is 'black-water' which I guess is now named Xe.

      • Biff


  • arihaya

    also compared to his son,, Papa Bush is a paragon of virtue and intelligence

    • Chichikovovich

      Compared to Bush Jr., Wile E. Coyote is a paragon of virtue and intelligence.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Why are you damning W.E.C. with faint praise?

  • MrFizzy

    They should get the millionaire CEOs of the shipbuilders out there with plungers.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    My outrage depends on how much we paid for those toilet seats.

    Also too, keep in mind that when Governor Palin took helm as the State of Alaska's Chief Executive in 2006, 34% of Alaska Native villages still did not have modern water and sewer services.

    Afghanistan, Iraq and broken ships are getting more infrastructure investment from the US than [American] Indian Country.

  • Fare la Volpe

    "Inappropriate material" is pass-the-buck code for poop.

  • smitallica

    Do you see, people? Do you see? THIS is why we can't cut the military budget! Because if we did, then all those ships we build might not work properl–

    Oh, wait. Nevermind.

  • I think it was a commemoration of the anniversary of the Bush Family Fetus Flushing Incident. We'll miss you Jar-bara.

  • Toilets. How do they work?

    • freakishlywrong

      The shit goes in, the shit goes out?

      • Naked_Bunny

        Apparently neither.

  • A thousand bursting bladders and sphincters.

  • Cool, maybe there'll be a cholera outbreak!

  • Chichikovovich

    Shit goes in, shit just sits there. You can't explain that.

  • actor212

    Mike Bloomberg stands ready with an army of riot police and bulldozers to clear the messy dirty effin' hippies out so they can clean up.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    I have a hard time getting my head (heh) around this. How many ships and how many crews are out there floating around transporting oil, defending our coastline, projecting American power overseas, smuggling drugs? And this ship has a fucked up toilet? Is the Bush using an untried toilet technology…stealth shitters?

  • El Pinche

    All it needs now is a hit on the starboard side from a shoe torpedo to complete the circle of life.

  • James Michael Curley

    Holy Shit! 5,000 people full of navy beans. Send that into some hostile port and they'll surrender in a New York Minute. And, please, please, don't send it up the Hudson on the next 'Fleet Weel."

  • This is good news for the port-a-john industry.

  • Blueb4sunrise


  • Dok-cupy Everything

    "Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the shits at sea."

  • hagajim

    Maybe Bloomberg and the other mayors ought to send their goon squads to the carrier to clean it out forcefully – for health and safety reasons. Wait – I guess those guys (and gals) are armed – might not be such a great idea after all.

  • El Pinche

    Rename the ship after Dubya, the S.S. Shithead.

  • HedonismBot

    Your avatar frightens and disturbs me.

  • user-of-owls

    In other words, all the world's seas are being shit on by professionals.

  • When I was kid, I used a decrepit shack in the woods near my parents' house as a base of operations whenever the neighborhood kids used to play their little war games.

    It didn't have a bathroom, either.

  • lowaltflier

    They'll have their very own shit river without having to go to Olongapo City.

  • Crowe2011

    Really? They don't have buckets available as backups? Then how do they swab the decks?

  • Guppy

    And still no mention of P points?

  • BZ1

    toilet outages? they call it "outages"? conjures up some colorful images …

  • Bill_Mars

    Which Republican President was George H.W. Bush? Was he the terminally stupid one or the one with Alzheimers? Sorry – I always get them confused.

  • DahBoner

    If you think that's stupid—listen to this:

    People called "collectors" buy a one ounce coin made of silver worth $34, for $48, or more…

  • meatlofer

    You think a broken toilet would've stopped Blackbeard? FUCK NO!

  • Science offers a solution: The Naval Centipede!

  • Callyson

    But the Navy is blaming sailors for flushing “inappropriate material” down the toilets.
    If this were correct, you'd see this problem on other aircraft carriers as well. The least the Navy can do is say "we're doing everything we can to address this problem."
    Why does the Navy hate our military?

    • Naked_Bunny

      If I flush "inappropriate material" down the toilet, it doesn't plug up my entire apartment complex.

  • owhatever

    How can not having a working toilet on a ship at sea be a problem? Peeing over the side has worked for every navy in history.

    • fletc3her

      They address this in the article. Depending on the wind the pee makes a mess on the side of the boat, other decks, or other sailors.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Vacuum system? Is this our first orbital aircraft carrier? But even zero-G toilets aren't new….

  • Nostrildamus

    "Inappropriate materials" = Bill O'Reilly books.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Well, National Airport was renamed Reagan Airport long before Ronnie shuffled off this mortal coil. Granted, his brain had left the building a couple of decades previous, so there may have been a special dispensation.

  • fletc3her

    What are we spending our billions on again?

  • ttommyunger

    Never had that problem in the olden days: slightly tilted drainage floor with water running over it. Top hole could make a TP float, light it on fire and singe every arse over a hole downstream. Fun times! 'Course a ten-hole facility only cost $1.39.

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