bring back the civil war

Michele Bachmann Hires Secessionist Nutter To Chair SC Campaign

Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida.

Are there a handful of fringe weirdos out there who still support Michele Bachmann’s dwindling candidacy? Sure, apparently, good, now then: how would those couple of folks like to be in charge of her state campaigns? It’s true! In search of a new South Carolina campaign chair, Bachmann dipped into the state’s bountiful bucket of secessionist circus freaks and snagged state Senator Lee Bright, who is known as “the guy who seriously introduced a bill proposing that South Carolina establish its own currency, just to stick it to the Fed.”

From the text of Bright’s bill, via the Minnesota Independent:

“South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate many of the economic, social, and political shocks to be expected to arise from hyperinflation, depression, or other economic calamity related to the breakdown of the Federal Reserve System only through the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay in the event of the destruction of the Federal Reserve System’s currency,” according to the resolution.

Clever! Although somewhat conspicuously, it contains no word on how South Carolina can deal with the more immediate problem of being saved from itself given its durn pesky unemployment and poverty rates that still hover well above the national averages.

Anyhow, crackpot monetary theory is not Bright’s only area of legislator expertise!

It was last year that Bright played a major role in helping to pass a non-binding, but contentious, affirmation of South Carolina’s sovereignty under the U.S. Constitution.

“If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked to the Spartanburg Herald-Journal after the sovereignty bill’s passage.

So basically Lee Bright is taking the Bachmann campaign job because he figures he will be made King of South Carolina after she is elected. [Minnesota Independent via Wonkette operative “Monsieur Grumpe”]

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  • nounverb911

    I'm all in favor of Michele seceding from the union.

    • Callyson

      And when you throw in South Carolina, you've got a win – win for the country. USA! USA!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, but soon's that niggro's outta office, she'll come crawlin' back. You'll see.

    • Biff

      I always took her for more of a scab.

    • Negropolis

      And, it wouldn't be that difficult considering she long ago seceded from reality, so there is already a roadmap for her to follow.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Bright's idea to introduce a South Carolina currency was a good idea until people realized that the unit of currency was actual palmetto bugs.

    • nounverb911

      Palmetto bugs! They are just ever so crunchy when you step on them.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        But if SC adopted them as legal tender, they'd see their money disappear faster than ever. Especially when they turn on the kitchen light at night.

        • emmelemm

          Hee.

        • HogeyeGrex

          That's alright. The larger denomination currency is meth/oxy addict teeth strung together like wampum.

          This has the added benefit of giving the poors an easy way to make quick money, and creates a whole new hunting season.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          Huh…I wonder if my money is part cockroach. It disappears like that whenever I walk into a bar.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          They don't have to be *live* bugs, yaknow.

    • OhNoGuy

      This is really not fair. The bugs are just the currency, they're backed by a Ft. Knox sized trove of lightly salted rat dicks secure in Lee Bright's sock drawer.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Lee Bright = Dim Bulb

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Dim Bulb = Bachmann's only legislative activity in her non-storied House of Representatives career. . .

  • Crank_Tango

    What? Secession worked out so well for SC the last time they did it–why break a streak?

    • GOPCrusher

      They are still waiting for Joe Johnston to show up and stop Sherman's advance.

    • flamingpdog

      But this time they'll settle for shelling palmetto bugs instead of Fort Sumter.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Lee's brother Lite who played a major role in introducing legislation which would establish a "state bulb" for South Carolina, the Intermittent Christmas Blinker, wasn't available for comment.

    • DaRooster

      "As long as it ain't one of them florescent ones."

    • SorosBot

      That's because the Boston PD thought he was a bomb.

    • tessiee

      LOTBUB LIBEL!!

  • SorosBot

    What part of "No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility" don't you understand, dumbass?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Historically, the part that says, "or we'll march down there and burn all your shit to the ground so as to straighten out your thinking" is not taken seriously until the last embers die out.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Don't fire until you see the whites of her eyes.

        What? Oh… Never mind.

    • Chichikovovich

      That clause is really going to screw up a lot of stuff. For example Lee "Blight" Bright's plan to have himself crowned "King of Cowturd County, S.C. Defender of the Faith and Scourge of Usurpers, Especially Kenyan Ones". And his law in preparation making it illegal to be Obama within the borders of South Carolina.

      • Guppy

        Hey, that didn't stop Louisiana Congressman Charles "Lord" Boustany from trying to buy a British title.

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      It's all about what they *think* the Constitution says, not what's actually in it.

      • iburl

        Kind of like how they *think* that the founding fathers were all fundamentalist Christians trying to stop slavery.

      • flamingpdog

        Reading is for elitists.

      • SorosBot

        Wait'll someone tells them about the Welfare clause and the Sixteenth Amendment.

    • Troglodeity

      Who do you think you are: an Activist Judge?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      All of it, Katie.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    so are you saying there are people in SC who aren't secessionists?

    • nounverb911

      Most Charlestonians don't claim to be from SC.

      • arihaya

        ah Charleston, the Austin of the East

      • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

        yes, but that doesn't jive with my simple broadbrushing that all S.Carolinians are Calhoun-corpsefuckers

      • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

        Charlestonians believe that Charleston is where the Cooper and Ashley Rivers merge to form the Atlantic Ocean.

        And that you are not jack s*** unless you live south of Broad Street. I swear I am not making that up. SOB has a whole different meaning in Charleston.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    And after Mr. Bright sidles up to the expectations of his name, Bachmann's campaign will tap the furry piece of dog crap that has been moldering out in the yard for about a month as her new domestic policy advisor.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Poop libel!

  • emmelemm

    “If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked

    If the whole legislator / campaign manager thing doesn't work out, he's got a bright (yah!) future as a stand-up comedian.

    • Baconzgood

      He's as funny as Dane Cook.

    • Chichikovovich

      Can he do as rousing a rendition of "Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" as McCain did?

    • Buckminster

      It's hard to believe he isn't out there giving Jon Stewart a run for his money.

  • elviouslyqueer

    South Carolina: the unflushable turd that keeps fouling the toilet bowl that is the South.

    • SexySmurf

      Is it true that people in Mississippi wake up everyday and thank God for South Carolina?

      • nounverb911

        That and Texas.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Depends on the day, but usually it's Alabama. I swear, Mississippi and Alabama are like two passive gay guys, always fighting to see who gets to be bottom this week.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Maybe they're still totally into that whole "topping from the bottom" ideology.

      • Chichikovovich

        Weren't those part of Nikki Haley's explicit instructions? Government workers in S. C. dealing with the public are supposed to answer the phone with "It's a great day in South Carolina!" and everyone else is supposed to say "Thank God for South Carolina".

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Never go full Re&*$%, unless you want to win the GOP nomination

    • user-of-owls

      You wanna see me do that without all the symbols?

      • not that Dewey

        You just want to show off your Special dispensation.

        • user-of-owls

          My dispensation is special. My disposition, not so much.

          • comrad_darkness

            What? retarded?

            (dang, where's the unicode when you need it?)

          • not that Dewey

            What gives? Are you okay?

    • tcaalaw

      Palin's decision not to run seems to have called that theory into doubt.

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    South Carolina – First to Turn/Last to Burn
    tradition is SO important…

    • Sparky_McGruff

      At first thought, it would be great to re-enact the final days of the civil war and burn the state down. But on second thought, having been through South Carolina, could you tell the difference? I think they did the burnin' for us already.

  • SexySmurf

    We all made fun of Alvin Greene, but he's William Jennings Bryan compared to the rest of these idiots.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    " 'South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate social and economic upheaval upon the collapse of the federal government by immediately returning descendants of former slaves to descendants of their rightful owners.' Now, now, don't y'all get upset, a Property Owner's Commission will protect against the worst abuses!"

  • coolhandnuke

    Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy was the decisive factor in Bachmann choosing him to head the SC campaign.

    • Not_So_Much

      She's married to Marcus — she has no idea what an angry one looks like.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Especially if by "angry" you mean "erect, aroused, or otherwise stimulated."

    • Buckminster

      Well, to be fair, it's fur durn tootin' she's not gettin' any of that at home.

    • tessiee

      "Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy"

      *snorty laugh through nose*
      Yeah, right! "Eight inch"!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Well, at least this time it was over money and not their right to own slaves.

    • DaRooster

      Time flies… like a herd of turtles.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Takes money to buy slaves. Or rum.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    She will no doubt collect crackpots from state to state.

    • Buckminster

      Be the first one in the GOP to collect the whole set! Here, have Denny Rehberg. We can certainly spare him.

  • Not_So_Much

    Is Lee's middle name "Not too"?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Notso?

      • fartknocker

        Not Very?

        • Baconzgood

          Lee Iamastupidfuckhickfromthesouthwhichshouldbeburneddown Bright is what's on his driver's license.

          • Not_So_Much

            That one sounds native american? Probably passed down from his great-great-great-great grandfather settler and his sister/wife.

          • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

            anything but?

  • hagajim

    Can we just get them both to secede? They are obviously checked out of reality already.already.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Mr. Bright is trying to foist Michele Bachmann on the American people in the hopes that it'll generate positive momentum for the secessionist movement, right? See, he's not as dumb as y'all thought.

    • emmelemm

      You might be on to something there…

    • GOPCrusher

      Michele Bachmann as the 21st Century version of Jefferson Davis?
      At least Jefferson Davis was literate.

      • flamingpdog

        And had four fewer voices rattling around in his skull.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          "Four" or "far"? Yew haz a funny accent.

          • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

            I looked up "doofus" on the 'net, and lo and behold, a picture of Lee "not too" Bright …

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            I'm envisioning mixed parentage for him … of the variety that would result in a middle name like "Nottu."

  • chascates

    It would take a rebel dead-ender to think Bachmann has a chance at any office higher than what she already has. Her Alabama chair probably rides pigs while naked.

    • DaRooster

      "I was rahdin' the pig Ma" is what you say when you get caught.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Wow! Free association gone wild – Video or STFU!!!!…

      • chascates

        It was Bart in a Simpsons episode; couldn't find a clip.

    • An_Outhouse

      who was naked, the chair or the pig?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      So, are the pigs usually clothed down there?

      What? Oh…

      Nemmind.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I'm sure there are thousands of pigs who will come out and say that he's never ridden them naked.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I'll see your nekkid pig-riding Alabama politico and raise you one moronic, war-whooping, gun-slinging, ATV-driving redneck.

    • flamingpdog

      I doubt it. In Alabama, the less pig-ment, the better.

    • Steverino247

      WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?

  • ProgressiveInga

    I hear the dude who ran Jerry Sandusky's non-profit organization to help disadvantaged children is available for work. Sheley can you hear me?

    • RadiosTyrone

      He does have experience in taking care of lots of disadvantaged kids.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Michele's planning to beat Sandusky to a pulp, remember? With her penchant for accuracy, chances are that poor dude will be the recipient of Shelley's rage instead.

  • Baconzgood

    Crazies of a feather flock together.

  • fartknocker

    You'll get a kick out of his facebook page. My favorite statement is:

    "Government doesn't create jobs, they just put a burden on job creators."

    This guy is perfect for Bachmann.

    Be sure to leave him a warm, inciteful message on his Facebook page.

  • Lucidamente1

    I'm sure a number of Wonketteers would like to "Send message to Sen. Bright."

    http://www.scstatehouse.gov/member.php?code=01931

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, c'mon! His pic is worth at least a "Scandal involving inappropriate contact with a 9-year-old boy in the Baptist church vestry in 3…2…1…" comment.

    • SenileAgitation

      His legislative record is pathetic, ass-packed with teabagger-tweaked swinish irrelevancies that went nowhere. He is perfect to shepherd Michele to victory!

    • Guppy

      What more is there to say beyond "I am disappoint?"

  • littlebigdaddy

    It's a great day in Souf Carolinny!

  • Goonemeritus

    I refuse to believe that a historically loyal and pro-union State like South Carolina would ever harbor a secessionist.

  • memzilla

    So the person Ol' Crazy Eyes hires to be the campaign director for her run for the Office of the President of the United States is someone who has publicly advocated treason against the country of the United States?

    • elviouslyqueer

      She obviously wanted to beat Rick Perry at his own game. Amirite?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Why not? The ding-dong was yapping just the other night about how the US should emulate China's communist society and government.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      It's not very original. Caribou Barbie is married to a secessionist.

      • RadiosTyrone

        Let us all thank Zeus we are going multiple days, near weeks, without a Palin post. And we are still here snarking away.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    [alt text] Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida

    I thought that there empty bag was running her national campaign. But no surprise, I wuz confused again. The national director is a filatiated corn dog.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    “If at first you don’t secede, try again”

    Good God, these fuckers will never get over it, will they?

    • SayItWithWookies

      If at first you end up surrendering and being occupied and reconstructed for a decade, bitch about it for the rest of fucking eternity.

      • GOPCrusher

        Reconstruction is where we fucked up.

        • Nostrildamus

          Not just letting them leave is where we fucked up.

        • JohnyEdge

          Yup. Reconstruction ended at least 150 years too soon. We ought to be thinking whether maybe its time to give the vote back to the South some time around 2100.

          At the earliest.

      • comrad_darkness

        Yeah, but never ever ever expect foreign countries to act the same way after we go in on a lie and lay waste overseas. Nuh uh.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The Iraqis will get their shit together before these re†ards ever do.

  • DaRooster

    We once tried to have our own currency called "Mendo-Bucks" (I think)… it went over like a fart in church.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Does everyone fart in church, or something?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I bet he's a white guy.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      [checks]

      Hey, how'd you guess?

  • Baconzgood

    Hey tea bagger fuck that loves the U.S. Constitution in it's original form, read Article 1 clauses 5 and 6 much?

    • DaRooster

      Read? WTF is that?

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        tl;dr

    • tessiee

      It's not the part with guns in it, so no.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Say! This worked out so well for them in 1865. Those Confederate dollars just went straight through the roof (of course, it was up in smoke)…

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    We've had this currency thing proposed in Virginia's house of mirth as well. By none other than the same guy who could, some might argue, be credited with setting the course for Trig Libels to come..

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh Bob Marshall — how could I have forgotten? That there fellow was the General Assembly's crazy old uncle back when they were just isolated lunatic cranks and not a political force.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        I guess every state/ commonwealth assembly has one, an old bird counted on to contribute the looney. 2011 was a big year for Marshall's off-the-wall sentiments to prove that this is one dopey 'uncle' ready to be retired from public service.

    • GOPCrusher

      Why does he hate Bible Spice? I'm sure she only did it because it would inconvenient to have the result of her bout of Jungle Fever running around downtown Wasilla.

    • Limeylizzie

      What a turd, but I love this comment from a nice lady called Jayne.

      by jaynes4444 March 3, 2010 4:00 PM EST
      What a loser.
      And people voted him in WOW
      The lord told me someone should punch you in the face you idiot.

      • emmelemm

        Jayne is my new hero.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    South Carolina would be a much better place for One-L and Marcus. Seems like the ratio of crazy-Jeebus-people to sane would be much higher than Minnesota. Hopefully her district will soon get tired of her (or actually want her to you know, be in Congress) and vote for a new flavor of the day.

    • Trannysurprise

      South Carolina can try, but there's no crazy like Florida crazy.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        South Carolina is trying, but really, only Arizona has a chance of dethroning FLA.

  • orygoon

    Some things make you happy, even when they are just ever so wrong.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ten bucks says this guy has more sheets in his closet than he does on his beds.

    • neiltheblaze

      I'll bet there are lots of things in this guy's closet.

      • nounverb911

        Lindsey Graham?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        And most of them, we're better off not knowing about. TWO wetsuits?

    • memzilla

      Boyz In Da Hoodz!

    • coolhandnuke

      Knights in White Satin

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    South Carolina establish its own currency

    Meths, half meths, quarter meths…

    • memzilla

      E pluribus Oxy. Also.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Is oxycontin even, like, a REAL thing? Because I got some for post-surgical pain and it didn't do shit for me.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      The TruckNut is like 100 Meths.

  • memzilla

    Has anyone googled up what the state flag of South Carolina looks like? It's got a palm tree and a crescent! Muslin symbolism much, people?

  • Trannysurprise

    To be fair, Michele needs a man in her life.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      In her *some*thing. Life will do.

  • edgydrifter

    Palmetto bugs and Moon Pies make lousy currency tokens.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear South Carolina,
    One word; Euros.

    • SenileAgitation

      They are fiscal conservatives, so nothing can go wrong! And hey, monsieur, congrats and thanks for the tip/post.

  • owhatever

    In God We Turst

  • Sassomatic

    South Carolina will be a place where you can invest your special currency in lucrative ventures such as "ski ball" and use your dividends to buy crappy candy and rubber spiders.

  • Joshua Norton

    adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay

    I'd recommend a currency system backed by "Gone With the Wind" commemorative plates and Beanie Babies.

  • meatlofer

    You can bet this fucker's family tree looks like a telephone pole.

    • Chichikovovich

      Somebody went and rooted out all the branches.

  • OneDollarJuana

    If you hire a secessionist, he'll just quit and start his own damn campaign.

    • flamingpdog

      If you hire a secessionist's wife, she'll just quit.

  • Chichikovovich

    I expect that every one of us, at least once in our lives, have had a boyfriend/girlfriend who is always saying "I've had it. I'm breaking up with you." every time s/he didn't get exactly what s/he wanted, or there was a fight over something, etc. Only to say, some short time later – "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it/I don't really want that/etc." And then didn't you finally reach a point where you wanted to, or even did, say "OK, you're right. We should break up. Here's your stuff."

    Can't we do that with South Carolina? Just say "You know, we may have been hasty all those years ago. But let's not rehash the past or point fingers. Let's look forward. We'll help you pack." Then hopefully people like Michele B. will be attracted there like moths to the flames of Freedom. Make sure we lock the door behind each one of them as they leave.

    • RadiosTyrone

      But you always kind of miss Pedro's South of the Border.

      • Chichikovovich

        True, in its absence my collection of fireworks and cheap Mexican-themed souvenir ashtrays would take a major hit. Perhaps we could make it a semi-autonomous free city, as Danzig was in the inter-war period.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Speak for yourself, Tyrone.

    • Guppy

      OK, now I'm stuck trying to imagine make-up sex with South Carolina.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        The bed makes a sound like "cackalacky-cackalacky…"

        • OccupytheDashboard

          that's a fun word to say!

      • Chichikovovich

        South Carolina is that girlfriend/boyfriend who finally gets you to realize the deep truth in the saying "Don't Fuck Crazy". Oh, yes, it may be an experience unlike any you've known before, and the passion may be heightened by the knife-edge of sheer lunacy you're riding. But in the end you're being chased by a headcase in a sheet, torch raised, who has some serious daddy issues about Strom Thurmond and eats fresh-caught beavers from the swamp. Then it just doesn't seem like a good idea anymore.

        • Guppy

          Look, America knows that its relationship with South Carolina can be charitably described as "tumultuous," and America has even begun to notice how all states with "Carolina" in their name seem to need professional help for some reason.

          But America has to admit that the sex was truly epic, and during America's "personal moments," the thoughts of America do occasionally drift back to "that sparkin' thang" with South Carolina, at least until America remembers that it doesn't hate itself that much any more…

          Hindsight has to count for something! Perhaps America is better able to cope with The Crazy now! What if, instead of pretending we have a "more perfect Union" with South Carolina, we just sign a "Compact of Friends with Benefits" instead? After all, most of the drama seems to have been caused by arguments over what does and does not "count" as unconstitutional!

          Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to simultaneously masturbate and cry.

          • Chichikovovich

            When you describe it that way it sounds like it has its attractions, but I'm afraid that the "Friends with Benefits" contract South Carolina has in mind is: "No more sex, but you will pay my rent and I can raid your refrigerator. Oh, and my new boyfriend can wear your Armani suit whenever he has to appear before a judge."

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Which,judging from South Carolina's track record, would be about once a week, if not more often. So maybe Armani suitS might be, you know, more appropriate.

      • elviouslyqueer

        DO NOT WANT.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I have the horrible feeling it involves whips and chains, fer realz.

  • OneYieldRegular

    He's laughing now, but just wait until Obama starts shelling Charleston.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      They ought to worry. He's proved himself REALLY good at taking out people who are causing the nation grief quickly, quietly, and above all, unexpectedly.

  • lochnessmonster

    Not very Bright ia he. Matbe he was dropped on his head when he was a baby.

  • Eve8Apples

    Dear South Carolina:

    Pleased to learn you no longer wish to use the dirty, worthless United States Dollar as your currency. Those dollars have Communist Kenyan cooties, you know. You should send all your unwanted United States Dollars to Eve care of Wonkette. Eve will properly dispose of all your unwanted filthy dollars.

    Good luck on that currency switch!

    Eve

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe they can try trading tobaccy and cotton to the rest of the world for stuff, you know, like last time.

  • actor212

    He's not so much a secessionist as a Site Supremacist

  • PuckStopsHere

    Alternative currency? HAM BISCUITS!!!

    • tessiee

      Which would have the unexpected but beneficial side effect of annoying Joe Lieberman.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Awesome!!!

    Every state should have it's own currency!!! South Carolina could have the Pallemeto – and the fancy golden "5 Palemeto" – collectible gold coin.

    New York could have "Empires" and who wouldn't want a pocket full of California "Bears". New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants.

    • Guppy

      South Carolina's state currency would be those commemorative Liberian coins they sell on late-night TV, sold to them at a rate of 1 USD for 1 LRD.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Is this what all those state quarters were about?

      • fletc3her

        I'm still pissed the Washington coin doesn't have Washington's portrait on both sides. Serious missed opportunity.

    • tessiee

      "New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants."

      On behalf of New Jersey, I demand a pizza- and calzone-based currency.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Wonketeers should never forget the rich heritage of this state:
    http://wonkette.com/421607/south-carolina-republi

  • flamingpdog

    “She is the conservative who has been consistent in her record and her rhetoric.”

    For some reason, I first read "rhetoric" as "neurotic".

  • smitallica

    This daffy cunt just doesn't fucking get it, does she?

  • Rotundo_

    I take it that Michele is paying him in South Carolinian currency: Probably Bud Lite or some other really shitty beer. I am sure that it will be successful beyond Michele's wildest dreams. Either that, or amount to a case of empties left in some really cheap storefront rental reeking of the former pet store that inhabited it last, with a bunch of left over pamphlets from Iowa papering the walls.

  • Barrelhse

    I want better broadband.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      SC will start its own Internet, too!

      Watch for the domains dot-kkk and dot-nig.

  • El Pinche

    "The greatest American Patriot is the American that hates the living shit out his country."
    -Abraham Lincoln

    • user-of-owls

      We used to recite that in elementary school every Presidents Day!

      • El Pinche

        Tears me up inside !

  • swordfis

    Just please make it stop

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Seriously…what aren't these treasonous fucknuts in front of a firing squad??

  • Indiepalin

    Watching Michele Bachmann run a presidential campaign is like watching a chimp trying to open a locked suitcase.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Needz more cat humping.

    • tessiee

      Monkeys with violins trying to play Beethoven.

  • barto

    Secession. Let's do it. Give them a whole state, build a nice electric fence so they can't escape, and let the invisible hand do the rest or the work of wiping this scourge off the American political landscape once and for all. Make Grover Norquist king.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      They'd kill him within minutes. His wife's a Muslin, don'tchaknow.

  • user-of-owls

    the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ

    Must confess that I'm a bit intrigued by the idea of a currency based on sound, though knowing South Carolina, I'd guess most economic activity would center around the question, "Can y'all break a Wind?"

    • Chichikovovich

      As described in Blight Bright's economic manifesto: "Sound Currency: A New Scale of Values"

      [Ducks behind podium as pots and pans come flying from audience.]

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Well tempered played, sir.

  • faster_pussycat

    O/T — folks who enjoy reading Wonkette commenter StrangeAppar8us may want to check out the following request for good thoughts and kitty care: http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/

    Thanks, all. Prayers to Strange & his family and friends.

  • rocktonsam

    Shelly has $$$$ to hire somebody?

    Farm subsidy leftover cash?

    • Chichikovovich

      Maybe it's barter: Bright runs her SC campaign and Michele arranges for Marcus to give him ex-gay therapy.

      • fletc3her

        Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, I'm sure that you can still find Reichsmark on eBay.

    • user-of-owls

      Probably, but you have to pay the postage in Zimbabwean Dollars.

  • faster_pussycat

    O/T — folks who enjoy reading Wonkette commenter StrangeAppar8us may want to check out the following request for good thoughts and kitty care: http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/

  • faster_pussycat

    Sorry if I double posted. ugh

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Why do conservatives hate America?

    • user-of-owls

      The Republic would be in much better shape if we could reverse that order.

      • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

        Republicans would not be resorting to so much election fraud if Americans liked them.

    • tessiee

      "Why do conservatives hate America?"

      Because America is based, at least in theory, on a level playing field and equality in the eyes of the law, which makes it obvious how much conservatives suck.

  • tessiee

    Guys?
    Cmere, cmere.
    *motions everybody closer*
    I gotta idea.
    You know how all those right-wing asshats reflexively oppose *everything* Obama does? I figure we can somehow get him to say that he's *against* Sacralonna seceding from the Union (again), and they'll make a big, atrociously spelled and punctuated stink about how he's oppressing them, and then GO AWAY.

  • datateday

    Those purtty eyes would never prop up a secessionist to a seat of power within their political campaign, could they?!?

  • Negropolis

    “If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked…

    Because, secession talk is so funny. Damn Sherman for not finishing the job he started…

  • Negropolis

    Next you'll tell me she hired an active klansman to do her campaign's African American outreach.

  • Crowe2011

    Too bad she couldn't get a quality nutter like Jim DeMint. Surely any hero worship of 'the wisdom of our founding fathers' ends the moment you realise the filibuster system means a guy like Jim DeMint can effectively veto anything he doesn't like, including unemployment benefits during a recession.

    • DahBoner

      Not just 'can'.

      'Will'.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    it's those eyes, those eyezzz …

  • DahBoner

    Michelle climbed the highest mountain in SC to find out how to succeed.

    At the top, she found this guru, sitting almost naked in a loincloth and a turban.

    Hello, I am here to learn how to succeed.

    Well, you've come to the right place!

    My name is 'Ceed'….

    //groan

  • ttommyunger

    Marcus picked him up at a local Interstate Rest Stop, no doubt.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Being from the South and all.

    Y'all.