BRING BACK THE CIVIL WAR  4:03 pm November 15, 2011

Michele Bachmann Hires Secessionist Nutter To Chair SC Campaign

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida.

Are there a handful of fringe weirdos out there who still support Michele Bachmann’s dwindling candidacy? Sure, apparently, good, now then: how would those couple of folks like to be in charge of her state campaigns? It’s true! In search of a new South Carolina campaign chair, Bachmann dipped into the state’s bountiful bucket of secessionist circus freaks and snagged state Senator Lee Bright, who is known as “the guy who seriously introduced a bill proposing that South Carolina establish its own currency, just to stick it to the Fed.”

From the text of Bright’s bill, via the Minnesota Independent:

“South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate many of the economic, social, and political shocks to be expected to arise from hyperinflation, depression, or other economic calamity related to the breakdown of the Federal Reserve System only through the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay in the event of the destruction of the Federal Reserve System’s currency,” according to the resolution.

Clever! Although somewhat conspicuously, it contains no word on how South Carolina can deal with the more immediate problem of being saved from itself given its durn pesky unemployment and poverty rates that still hover well above the national averages.

Anyhow, crackpot monetary theory is not Bright’s only area of legislator expertise!

It was last year that Bright played a major role in helping to pass a non-binding, but contentious, affirmation of South Carolina’s sovereignty under the U.S. Constitution.

“If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked to the Spartanburg Herald-Journal after the sovereignty bill’s passage.

So basically Lee Bright is taking the Bachmann campaign job because he figures he will be made King of South Carolina after she is elected. [Minnesota Independent via Wonkette operative "Monsieur Grumpe"]

 
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{ 228 comments }

nounverb911 November 15, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I'm all in favor of Michele seceding from the union.

Callyson November 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm

And when you throw in South Carolina, you've got a win – win for the country. USA! USA!

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Yeah, but soon's that niggro's outta office, she'll come crawlin' back. You'll see.

Biff November 15, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I always took her for more of a scab.

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 12:35 am

And, it wouldn't be that difficult considering she long ago seceded from reality, so there is already a roadmap for her to follow.

GunToting[Redacted] November 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Bright's idea to introduce a South Carolina currency was a good idea until people realized that the unit of currency was actual palmetto bugs.

nounverb911 November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Palmetto bugs! They are just ever so crunchy when you step on them.

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2011 at 4:55 pm

But if SC adopted them as legal tender, they'd see their money disappear faster than ever. Especially when they turn on the kitchen light at night.

emmelemm November 15, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Hee.

HogeyeGrex November 15, 2011 at 6:05 pm

That's alright. The larger denomination currency is meth/oxy addict teeth strung together like wampum.

This has the added benefit of giving the poors an easy way to make quick money, and creates a whole new hunting season.

OccupytheDashboard November 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Huh…I wonder if my money is part cockroach. It disappears like that whenever I walk into a bar.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:10 am

They don't have to be *live* bugs, yaknow.

OhNoGuy November 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

This is really not fair. The bugs are just the currency, they're backed by a Ft. Knox sized trove of lightly salted rat dicks secure in Lee Bright's sock drawer.

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Lee Bright = Dim Bulb

NorthStarSpanx November 15, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Dim Bulb = Bachmann's only legislative activity in her non-storied House of Representatives career. . .

Crank_Tango November 15, 2011 at 4:07 pm

What? Secession worked out so well for SC the last time they did it–why break a streak?

GOPCrusher November 15, 2011 at 5:15 pm

They are still waiting for Joe Johnston to show up and stop Sherman's advance.

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm

But this time they'll settle for shelling palmetto bugs instead of Fort Sumter.

ShitFilledExistence November 15, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Lee's brother Lite who played a major role in introducing legislation which would establish a "state bulb" for South Carolina, the Intermittent Christmas Blinker, wasn't available for comment.

DaRooster November 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm

"As long as it ain't one of them florescent ones."

SorosBot November 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

That's because the Boston PD thought he was a bomb.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 8:59 pm

LOTBUB LIBEL!!

SorosBot November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

What part of "No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility" don't you understand, dumbass?

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Historically, the part that says, "or we'll march down there and burn all your shit to the ground so as to straighten out your thinking" is not taken seriously until the last embers die out.

Angry_Marmot November 15, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Don't fire until you see the whites of her eyes.

What? Oh… Never mind.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 4:31 pm

That clause is really going to screw up a lot of stuff. For example Lee "Blight" Bright's plan to have himself crowned "King of Cowturd County, S.C. Defender of the Faith and Scourge of Usurpers, Especially Kenyan Ones". And his law in preparation making it illegal to be Obama within the borders of South Carolina.

Guppy November 15, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Hey, that didn't stop Louisiana Congressman Charles "Lord" Boustany from trying to buy a British title.

Chillwaver November 15, 2011 at 5:00 pm

It's all about what they *think* the Constitution says, not what's actually in it.

iburl November 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Kind of like how they *think* that the founding fathers were all fundamentalist Christians trying to stop slavery.

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Reading is for elitists.

SorosBot November 15, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Wait'll someone tells them about the Welfare clause and the Sixteenth Amendment.

Troglodeity November 15, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Who do you think you are: an Activist Judge?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:12 am

All of it, Katie.

Gratuitous World November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

so are you saying there are people in SC who aren't secessionists?

nounverb911 November 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Most Charlestonians don't claim to be from SC.

arihaya November 15, 2011 at 4:54 pm

ah Charleston, the Austin of the East

Gratuitous World November 15, 2011 at 5:24 pm

yes, but that doesn't jive with my simple broadbrushing that all S.Carolinians are Calhoun-corpsefuckers

BelleSC November 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Charlestonians believe that Charleston is where the Cooper and Ashley Rivers merge to form the Atlantic Ocean.

And that you are not jack s*** unless you live south of Broad Street. I swear I am not making that up. SOB has a whole different meaning in Charleston.

Mort_Sinclair November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

And after Mr. Bright sidles up to the expectations of his name, Bachmann's campaign will tap the furry piece of dog crap that has been moldering out in the yard for about a month as her new domestic policy advisor.

ProgressiveInga November 15, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Poop libel!

emmelemm November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

“If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked

If the whole legislator / campaign manager thing doesn't work out, he's got a bright (yah!) future as a stand-up comedian.

Baconzgood November 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

He's as funny as Dane Cook.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Can he do as rousing a rendition of "Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" as McCain did?

Buckminster November 15, 2011 at 5:55 pm

It's hard to believe he isn't out there giving Jon Stewart a run for his money.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 4:08 pm

South Carolina: the unflushable turd that keeps fouling the toilet bowl that is the South.

SexySmurf November 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Is it true that people in Mississippi wake up everyday and thank God for South Carolina?

nounverb911 November 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

That and Texas.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Depends on the day, but usually it's Alabama. I swear, Mississippi and Alabama are like two passive gay guys, always fighting to see who gets to be bottom this week.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:16 am

Maybe they're still totally into that whole "topping from the bottom" ideology.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Weren't those part of Nikki Haley's explicit instructions? Government workers in S. C. dealing with the public are supposed to answer the phone with "It's a great day in South Carolina!" and everyone else is supposed to say "Thank God for South Carolina".

DerrickWildcat November 15, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Never go full Re&*$%, unless you want to win the GOP nomination

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 6:19 pm

You wanna see me do that without all the symbols?

not that Dewey November 15, 2011 at 7:19 pm

You just want to show off your Special dispensation.

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

My dispensation is special. My disposition, not so much.

comrad_darkness November 15, 2011 at 7:47 pm

What? retarded?

(dang, where's the unicode when you need it?)

not that Dewey November 15, 2011 at 9:48 pm

What gives? Are you okay?

tcaalaw November 16, 2011 at 8:01 am

Palin's decision not to run seems to have called that theory into doubt.

archikvetch November 15, 2011 at 4:10 pm

South Carolina – First to Turn/Last to Burn
tradition is SO important…

Sparky_McGruff November 15, 2011 at 9:10 pm

At first thought, it would be great to re-enact the final days of the civil war and burn the state down. But on second thought, having been through South Carolina, could you tell the difference? I think they did the burnin' for us already.

SexySmurf November 15, 2011 at 4:11 pm

We all made fun of Alvin Greene, but he's William Jennings Bryan compared to the rest of these idiots.

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm

" 'South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate social and economic upheaval upon the collapse of the federal government by immediately returning descendants of former slaves to descendants of their rightful owners.' Now, now, don't y'all get upset, a Property Owner's Commission will protect against the worst abuses!"

coolhandnuke November 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy was the decisive factor in Bachmann choosing him to head the SC campaign.

Not_So_Much November 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

She's married to Marcus — she has no idea what an angry one looks like.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:18 am

Especially if by "angry" you mean "erect, aroused, or otherwise stimulated."

Buckminster November 15, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Well, to be fair, it's fur durn tootin' she's not gettin' any of that at home.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:05 pm

"Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy"

*snorty laugh through nose*
Yeah, right! "Eight inch"!

BarackMyWorld November 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Well, at least this time it was over money and not their right to own slaves.

DaRooster November 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Time flies… like a herd of turtles.

OneDollarJuana November 15, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Takes money to buy slaves. Or rum.

Maman November 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

She will no doubt collect crackpots from state to state.

Buckminster November 15, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Be the first one in the GOP to collect the whole set! Here, have Denny Rehberg. We can certainly spare him.

Not_So_Much November 15, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Is Lee's middle name "Not too"?

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Notso?

fartknocker November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Not Very?

Baconzgood November 15, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Lee Iamastupidfuckhickfromthesouthwhichshouldbeburneddown Bright is what's on his driver's license.

Not_So_Much November 15, 2011 at 5:14 pm

That one sounds native american? Probably passed down from his great-great-great-great grandfather settler and his sister/wife.

hagajim November 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Can we just get them both to secede? They are obviously checked out of reality already.already.

SayItWithWookies November 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

So Mr. Bright is trying to foist Michele Bachmann on the American people in the hopes that it'll generate positive momentum for the secessionist movement, right? See, he's not as dumb as y'all thought.

emmelemm November 15, 2011 at 4:20 pm

You might be on to something there…

GOPCrusher November 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Michele Bachmann as the 21st Century version of Jefferson Davis?
At least Jefferson Davis was literate.

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:24 pm

And had four fewer voices rattling around in his skull.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:19 am

"Four" or "far"? Yew haz a funny accent.

BZ1 November 16, 2011 at 11:49 am

I looked up "doofus" on the 'net, and lo and behold, a picture of Lee "not too" Bright …

chascates November 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

It would take a rebel dead-ender to think Bachmann has a chance at any office higher than what she already has. Her Alabama chair probably rides pigs while naked.

DaRooster November 15, 2011 at 4:20 pm

"I was rahdin' the pig Ma" is what you say when you get caught.

Toomush_Infer November 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Wow! Free association gone wild – Video or STFU!!!!…

chascates November 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

It was Bart in a Simpsons episode; couldn't find a clip.

An_Outhouse November 15, 2011 at 4:34 pm

who was naked, the chair or the pig?

FlownOver November 15, 2011 at 4:35 pm

So, are the pigs usually clothed down there?

What? Oh…

Nemmind.

SayItWithWookies November 15, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I'm sure there are thousands of pigs who will come out and say that he's never ridden them naked.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I'll see your nekkid pig-riding Alabama politico and raise you one moronic, war-whooping, gun-slinging, ATV-driving redneck.

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I doubt it. In Alabama, the less pig-ment, the better.

Steverino247 November 15, 2011 at 7:09 pm

WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?

ProgressiveInga November 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I hear the dude who ran Jerry Sandusky's non-profit organization to help disadvantaged children is available for work. Sheley can you hear me?

RadiosTyrone November 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

He does have experience in taking care of lots of disadvantaged kids.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 12:28 am

Michele's planning to beat Sandusky to a pulp, remember? With her penchant for accuracy, chances are that poor dude will be the recipient of Shelley's rage instead.

Baconzgood November 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Crazies of a feather flock together.

fartknocker November 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

You'll get a kick out of his facebook page. My favorite statement is:

"Government doesn't create jobs, they just put a burden on job creators."

This guy is perfect for Bachmann.

Be sure to leave him a warm, inciteful message on his Facebook page.

Lucidamente1 November 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I'm sure a number of Wonketteers would like to "Send message to Sen. Bright."

http://www.scstatehouse.gov/member.php?code=01931

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Oh, c'mon! His pic is worth at least a "Scandal involving inappropriate contact with a 9-year-old boy in the Baptist church vestry in 3…2…1…" comment.

SenileAgitation November 15, 2011 at 4:53 pm

His legislative record is pathetic, ass-packed with teabagger-tweaked swinish irrelevancies that went nowhere. He is perfect to shepherd Michele to victory!

Guppy November 15, 2011 at 5:45 pm

What more is there to say beyond "I am disappoint?"

littlebigdaddy November 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

It's a great day in Souf Carolinny!

Goonemeritus November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I refuse to believe that a historically loyal and pro-union State like South Carolina would ever harbor a secessionist.

memzilla November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

So the person Ol' Crazy Eyes hires to be the campaign director for her run for the Office of the President of the United States is someone who has publicly advocated treason against the country of the United States?

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

She obviously wanted to beat Rick Perry at his own game. Amirite?

ChessieNefercat November 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Why not? The ding-dong was yapping just the other night about how the US should emulate China's communist society and government.

Jukesgrrl November 15, 2011 at 4:59 pm

It's not very original. Caribou Barbie is married to a secessionist.

RadiosTyrone November 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Let us all thank Zeus we are going multiple days, near weeks, without a Palin post. And we are still here snarking away.

weejee November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

[alt text] Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida

I thought that there empty bag was running her national campaign. But no surprise, I wuz confused again. The national director is a filatiated corn dog.

Chillwaver November 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

“If at first you don’t secede, try again”

Good God, these fuckers will never get over it, will they?

SayItWithWookies November 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

If at first you end up surrendering and being occupied and reconstructed for a decade, bitch about it for the rest of fucking eternity.

GOPCrusher November 15, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Reconstruction is where we fucked up.

Nostrildamus November 15, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Not just letting them leave is where we fucked up.

JohnyEdge November 15, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Yup. Reconstruction ended at least 150 years too soon. We ought to be thinking whether maybe its time to give the vote back to the South some time around 2100.

At the earliest.

comrad_darkness November 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Yeah, but never ever ever expect foreign countries to act the same way after we go in on a lie and lay waste overseas. Nuh uh.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 16, 2011 at 10:23 am

The Iraqis will get their shit together before these re†ards ever do.

DaRooster November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

We once tried to have our own currency called "Mendo-Bucks" (I think)… it went over like a fart in church.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:01 am

Does everyone fart in church, or something?

DerrickWildcat November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I bet he's a white guy.

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2011 at 5:27 pm

[checks]

Hey, how'd you guess?

Baconzgood November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Hey tea bagger fuck that loves the U.S. Constitution in it's original form, read Article 1 clauses 5 and 6 much?

DaRooster November 15, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Read? WTF is that?

Sharkey November 15, 2011 at 6:04 pm

tl;dr

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:22 pm

It's not the part with guns in it, so no.

Toomush_Infer November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Say! This worked out so well for them in 1865. Those Confederate dollars just went straight through the roof (of course, it was up in smoke)…

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

We've had this currency thing proposed in Virginia's house of mirth as well. By none other than the same guy who could, some might argue, be credited with setting the course for Trig Libels to come..

SayItWithWookies November 15, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Oh Bob Marshall — how could I have forgotten? That there fellow was the General Assembly's crazy old uncle back when they were just isolated lunatic cranks and not a political force.

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I guess every state/ commonwealth assembly has one, an old bird counted on to contribute the looney. 2011 was a big year for Marshall's off-the-wall sentiments to prove that this is one dopey 'uncle' ready to be retired from public service.

GOPCrusher November 15, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Why does he hate Bible Spice? I'm sure she only did it because it would inconvenient to have the result of her bout of Jungle Fever running around downtown Wasilla.

Limeylizzie November 15, 2011 at 6:23 pm

What a turd, but I love this comment from a nice lady called Jayne.

by jaynes4444 March 3, 2010 4:00 PM EST
What a loser.
And people voted him in WOW
The lord told me someone should punch you in the face you idiot.

emmelemm November 15, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Jayne is my new hero.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

South Carolina would be a much better place for One-L and Marcus. Seems like the ratio of crazy-Jeebus-people to sane would be much higher than Minnesota. Hopefully her district will soon get tired of her (or actually want her to you know, be in Congress) and vote for a new flavor of the day.

Trannysurprise November 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

South Carolina can try, but there's no crazy like Florida crazy.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 15, 2011 at 10:44 pm

South Carolina is trying, but really, only Arizona has a chance of dethroning FLA.

orygoon November 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Some things make you happy, even when they are just ever so wrong.

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Ten bucks says this guy has more sheets in his closet than he does on his beds.

neiltheblaze November 15, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I'll bet there are lots of things in this guy's closet.

nounverb911 November 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Lindsey Graham?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:15 am

And most of them, we're better off not knowing about. TWO wetsuits?

memzilla November 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Boyz In Da Hoodz!

coolhandnuke November 15, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Knights in White Satin

OCcupied_Surf_Serf November 15, 2011 at 4:28 pm

South Carolina establish its own currency

Meths, half meths, quarter meths…

memzilla November 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

E pluribus Oxy. Also.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:16 am

Is oxycontin even, like, a REAL thing? Because I got some for post-surgical pain and it didn't do shit for me.

Sharkey November 15, 2011 at 6:12 pm

The TruckNut is like 100 Meths.

memzilla November 15, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Has anyone googled up what the state flag of South Carolina looks like? It's got a palm tree and a crescent! Muslin symbolism much, people?

Trannysurprise November 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

To be fair, Michele needs a man in her life.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:17 am

In her *some*thing. Life will do.

edgydrifter November 15, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Palmetto bugs and Moon Pies make lousy currency tokens.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 15, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Dear South Carolina,
One word; Euros.

SenileAgitation November 15, 2011 at 4:59 pm

They are fiscal conservatives, so nothing can go wrong! And hey, monsieur, congrats and thanks for the tip/post.

owhatever November 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm

In God We Turst

Sassomatic November 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

South Carolina will be a place where you can invest your special currency in lucrative ventures such as "ski ball" and use your dividends to buy crappy candy and rubber spiders.

Joshua Norton November 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm

adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay

I'd recommend a currency system backed by "Gone With the Wind" commemorative plates and Beanie Babies.

meatlofer November 15, 2011 at 4:45 pm

You can bet this fucker's family tree looks like a telephone pole.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Somebody went and rooted out all the branches.

OneDollarJuana November 15, 2011 at 4:45 pm

If you hire a secessionist, he'll just quit and start his own damn campaign.

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:31 pm

If you hire a secessionist's wife, she'll just quit.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I expect that every one of us, at least once in our lives, have had a boyfriend/girlfriend who is always saying "I've had it. I'm breaking up with you." every time s/he didn't get exactly what s/he wanted, or there was a fight over something, etc. Only to say, some short time later – "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it/I don't really want that/etc." And then didn't you finally reach a point where you wanted to, or even did, say "OK, you're right. We should break up. Here's your stuff."

Can't we do that with South Carolina? Just say "You know, we may have been hasty all those years ago. But let's not rehash the past or point fingers. Let's look forward. We'll help you pack." Then hopefully people like Michele B. will be attracted there like moths to the flames of Freedom. Make sure we lock the door behind each one of them as they leave.

RadiosTyrone November 15, 2011 at 5:27 pm

But you always kind of miss Pedro's South of the Border.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 5:47 pm

True, in its absence my collection of fireworks and cheap Mexican-themed souvenir ashtrays would take a major hit. Perhaps we could make it a semi-autonomous free city, as Danzig was in the inter-war period.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:18 am

Speak for yourself, Tyrone.

Guppy November 15, 2011 at 5:47 pm

OK, now I'm stuck trying to imagine make-up sex with South Carolina.

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2011 at 5:52 pm

The bed makes a sound like "cackalacky-cackalacky…"

OccupytheDashboard November 15, 2011 at 6:41 pm

that's a fun word to say!

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 6:03 pm

South Carolina is that girlfriend/boyfriend who finally gets you to realize the deep truth in the saying "Don't Fuck Crazy". Oh, yes, it may be an experience unlike any you've known before, and the passion may be heightened by the knife-edge of sheer lunacy you're riding. But in the end you're being chased by a headcase in a sheet, torch raised, who has some serious daddy issues about Strom Thurmond and eats fresh-caught beavers from the swamp. Then it just doesn't seem like a good idea anymore.

Guppy November 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Look, America knows that its relationship with South Carolina can be charitably described as "tumultuous," and America has even begun to notice how all states with "Carolina" in their name seem to need professional help for some reason.

But America has to admit that the sex was truly epic, and during America's "personal moments," the thoughts of America do occasionally drift back to "that sparkin' thang" with South Carolina, at least until America remembers that it doesn't hate itself that much any more…

Hindsight has to count for something! Perhaps America is better able to cope with The Crazy now! What if, instead of pretending we have a "more perfect Union" with South Carolina, we just sign a "Compact of Friends with Benefits" instead? After all, most of the drama seems to have been caused by arguments over what does and does not "count" as unconstitutional!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to simultaneously masturbate and cry.

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 10:11 pm

When you describe it that way it sounds like it has its attractions, but I'm afraid that the "Friends with Benefits" contract South Carolina has in mind is: "No more sex, but you will pay my rent and I can raid your refrigerator. Oh, and my new boyfriend can wear your Armani suit whenever he has to appear before a judge."

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2011 at 6:28 pm

DO NOT WANT.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:19 am

I have the horrible feeling it involves whips and chains, fer realz.

OneYieldRegular November 15, 2011 at 4:52 pm

He's laughing now, but just wait until Obama starts shelling Charleston.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:22 am

They ought to worry. He's proved himself REALLY good at taking out people who are causing the nation grief quickly, quietly, and above all, unexpectedly.

lochnessmonster November 15, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Not very Bright ia he. Matbe he was dropped on his head when he was a baby.

Eve8Apples November 15, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Dear South Carolina:

Pleased to learn you no longer wish to use the dirty, worthless United States Dollar as your currency. Those dollars have Communist Kenyan cooties, you know. You should send all your unwanted United States Dollars to Eve care of Wonkette. Eve will properly dispose of all your unwanted filthy dollars.

Good luck on that currency switch!

Eve

GOPCrusher November 15, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Maybe they can try trading tobaccy and cotton to the rest of the world for stuff, you know, like last time.

actor212 November 15, 2011 at 4:59 pm

He's not so much a secessionist as a Site Supremacist

PuckStopsHere November 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Alternative currency? HAM BISCUITS!!!

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Which would have the unexpected but beneficial side effect of annoying Joe Lieberman.

johnnyzhivago November 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Awesome!!!

Every state should have it's own currency!!! South Carolina could have the Pallemeto – and the fancy golden "5 Palemeto" – collectible gold coin.

New York could have "Empires" and who wouldn't want a pocket full of California "Bears". New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants.

Guppy November 15, 2011 at 5:48 pm

South Carolina's state currency would be those commemorative Liberian coins they sell on late-night TV, sold to them at a rate of 1 USD for 1 LRD.

Spurning Beer November 15, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Is this what all those state quarters were about?

fletc3her November 16, 2011 at 12:04 am

I'm still pissed the Washington coin doesn't have Washington's portrait on both sides. Serious missed opportunity.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:31 pm

"New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants."

On behalf of New Jersey, I demand a pizza- and calzone-based currency.

Chet Kincaid November 15, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Wonketeers should never forget the rich heritage of this state:
http://wonkette.com/421607/south-carolina-republi

flamingpdog November 15, 2011 at 5:33 pm

“She is the conservative who has been consistent in her record and her rhetoric.”

For some reason, I first read "rhetoric" as "neurotic".

smitallica November 15, 2011 at 5:36 pm

This daffy cunt just doesn't fucking get it, does she?

Rotundo_ November 15, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I take it that Michele is paying him in South Carolinian currency: Probably Bud Lite or some other really shitty beer. I am sure that it will be successful beyond Michele's wildest dreams. Either that, or amount to a case of empties left in some really cheap storefront rental reeking of the former pet store that inhabited it last, with a bunch of left over pamphlets from Iowa papering the walls.

Barrelhse November 15, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I want better broadband.

Spurning Beer November 15, 2011 at 8:42 pm

SC will start its own Internet, too!

Watch for the domains dot-kkk and dot-nig.

El Pinche November 15, 2011 at 5:55 pm

"The greatest American Patriot is the American that hates the living shit out his country."
-Abraham Lincoln

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 7:26 pm

We used to recite that in elementary school every Presidents Day!

El Pinche November 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Tears me up inside !

swordfis November 15, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Just please make it stop

OccupytheDashboard November 15, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Seriously…what aren't these treasonous fucknuts in front of a firing squad??

Indiepalin November 15, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Watching Michele Bachmann run a presidential campaign is like watching a chimp trying to open a locked suitcase.

Angry_Marmot November 15, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Needz more cat humping.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Monkeys with violins trying to play Beethoven.

barto November 15, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Secession. Let's do it. Give them a whole state, build a nice electric fence so they can't escape, and let the invisible hand do the rest or the work of wiping this scourge off the American political landscape once and for all. Make Grover Norquist king.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 2:06 am

They'd kill him within minutes. His wife's a Muslin, don'tchaknow.

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 6:30 pm

the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ

Must confess that I'm a bit intrigued by the idea of a currency based on sound, though knowing South Carolina, I'd guess most economic activity would center around the question, "Can y'all break a Wind?"

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 7:23 pm

As described in Blight Bright's economic manifesto: "Sound Currency: A New Scale of Values"

[Ducks behind podium as pots and pans come flying from audience.]

ShaveTheWhales November 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Well tempered played, sir.

faster_pussycat November 15, 2011 at 6:39 pm

O/T — folks who enjoy reading Wonkette commenter StrangeAppar8us may want to check out the following request for good thoughts and kitty care: http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/

Thanks, all. Prayers to Strange & his family and friends.

rocktonsam November 15, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Shelly has $$$$ to hire somebody?

Farm subsidy leftover cash?

Chichikovovich November 15, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Maybe it's barter: Bright runs her SC campaign and Michele arranges for Marcus to give him ex-gay therapy.

fletc3her November 16, 2011 at 12:05 am

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

anniegetyerfun November 15, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Well, I'm sure that you can still find Reichsmark on eBay.

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Probably, but you have to pay the postage in Zimbabwean Dollars.

faster_pussycat November 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm

O/T — folks who enjoy reading Wonkette commenter StrangeAppar8us may want to check out the following request for good thoughts and kitty care: http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/

faster_pussycat November 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Sorry if I double posted. ugh

glamourdammerung November 15, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Why do conservatives hate America?

user-of-owls November 15, 2011 at 7:18 pm

The Republic would be in much better shape if we could reverse that order.

glamourdammerung November 15, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Republicans would not be resorting to so much election fraud if Americans liked them.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 9:35 pm

"Why do conservatives hate America?"

Because America is based, at least in theory, on a level playing field and equality in the eyes of the law, which makes it obvious how much conservatives suck.

tessiee November 15, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Guys?
Cmere, cmere.
*motions everybody closer*
I gotta idea.
You know how all those right-wing asshats reflexively oppose *everything* Obama does? I figure we can somehow get him to say that he's *against* Sacralonna seceding from the Union (again), and they'll make a big, atrociously spelled and punctuated stink about how he's oppressing them, and then GO AWAY.

datateday November 15, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Those purtty eyes would never prop up a secessionist to a seat of power within their political campaign, could they?!?

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 12:34 am

“If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked…

Because, secession talk is so funny. Damn Sherman for not finishing the job he started…

Negropolis November 16, 2011 at 12:43 am

Next you'll tell me she hired an active klansman to do her campaign's African American outreach.

Crowe2011 November 16, 2011 at 2:16 am

Too bad she couldn't get a quality nutter like Jim DeMint. Surely any hero worship of 'the wisdom of our founding fathers' ends the moment you realise the filibuster system means a guy like Jim DeMint can effectively veto anything he doesn't like, including unemployment benefits during a recession.

DahBoner November 16, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Not just 'can'.

'Will'.

BZ1 November 16, 2011 at 11:45 am

it's those eyes, those eyezzz …

DahBoner November 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Michelle climbed the highest mountain in SC to find out how to succeed.

At the top, she found this guru, sitting almost naked in a loincloth and a turban.

Hello, I am here to learn how to succeed.

Well, you've come to the right place!

My name is 'Ceed'….

//groan

ttommyunger November 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Marcus picked him up at a local Interstate Rest Stop, no doubt.

OneDollarJuana November 15, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Being from the South and all.

Y'all.

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:21 am

Which,judging from South Carolina's track record, would be about once a week, if not more often. So maybe Armani suitS might be, you know, more appropriate.

BZ1 November 16, 2011 at 11:47 am

anything but?

Herring_Burnit November 16, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I'm envisioning mixed parentage for him … of the variety that would result in a middle name like "Nottu."

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