bring back the civil war

Michele Bachmann Hires Secessionist Nutter To Chair SC Campaign

Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida.

Are there a handful of fringe weirdos out there who still support Michele Bachmann’s dwindling candidacy? Sure, apparently, good, now then: how would those couple of folks like to be in charge of her state campaigns? It’s true! In search of a new South Carolina campaign chair, Bachmann dipped into the state’s bountiful bucket of secessionist circus freaks and snagged state Senator Lee Bright, who is known as “the guy who seriously introduced a bill proposing that South Carolina establish its own currency, just to stick it to the Fed.”

From the text of Bright’s bill, via the Minnesota Independent:

“South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate many of the economic, social, and political shocks to be expected to arise from hyperinflation, depression, or other economic calamity related to the breakdown of the Federal Reserve System only through the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay in the event of the destruction of the Federal Reserve System’s currency,” according to the resolution.

Clever! Although somewhat conspicuously, it contains no word on how South Carolina can deal with the more immediate problem of being saved from itself given its durn pesky unemployment and poverty rates that still hover well above the national averages.

Anyhow, crackpot monetary theory is not Bright’s only area of legislator expertise!

It was last year that Bright played a major role in helping to pass a non-binding, but contentious, affirmation of South Carolina’s sovereignty under the U.S. Constitution.

“If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked to the Spartanburg Herald-Journal after the sovereignty bill’s passage.

So basically Lee Bright is taking the Bachmann campaign job because he figures he will be made King of South Carolina after she is elected. [Minnesota Independent via Wonkette operative “Monsieur Grumpe”]

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    1. Negropolis

      And, it wouldn't be that difficult considering she long ago seceded from reality, so there is already a roadmap for her to follow.

  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    Bright's idea to introduce a South Carolina currency was a good idea until people realized that the unit of currency was actual palmetto bugs.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        But if SC adopted them as legal tender, they'd see their money disappear faster than ever. Especially when they turn on the kitchen light at night.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          That's alright. The larger denomination currency is meth/oxy addict teeth strung together like wampum.

          This has the added benefit of giving the poors an easy way to make quick money, and creates a whole new hunting season.

        2. OccupytheDashboard

          Huh…I wonder if my money is part cockroach. It disappears like that whenever I walk into a bar.

    1. OhNoGuy

      This is really not fair. The bugs are just the currency, they're backed by a Ft. Knox sized trove of lightly salted rat dicks secure in Lee Bright's sock drawer.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Dim Bulb = Bachmann's only legislative activity in her non-storied House of Representatives career. . .

  2. ShitFilledExistence

    Lee's brother Lite who played a major role in introducing legislation which would establish a "state bulb" for South Carolina, the Intermittent Christmas Blinker, wasn't available for comment.

  3. SorosBot

    What part of "No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility" don't you understand, dumbass?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Historically, the part that says, "or we'll march down there and burn all your shit to the ground so as to straighten out your thinking" is not taken seriously until the last embers die out.

    2. Chichikovovich

      That clause is really going to screw up a lot of stuff. For example Lee "Blight" Bright's plan to have himself crowned "King of Cowturd County, S.C. Defender of the Faith and Scourge of Usurpers, Especially Kenyan Ones". And his law in preparation making it illegal to be Obama within the borders of South Carolina.

      1. iburl

        Kind of like how they *think* that the founding fathers were all fundamentalist Christians trying to stop slavery.

      1. BelleSC

        Charlestonians believe that Charleston is where the Cooper and Ashley Rivers merge to form the Atlantic Ocean.

        And that you are not jack s*** unless you live south of Broad Street. I swear I am not making that up. SOB has a whole different meaning in Charleston.

  4. Mort_Sinclair

    And after Mr. Bright sidles up to the expectations of his name, Bachmann's campaign will tap the furry piece of dog crap that has been moldering out in the yard for about a month as her new domestic policy advisor.

  5. emmelemm

    “If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked

    If the whole legislator / campaign manager thing doesn't work out, he's got a bright (yah!) future as a stand-up comedian.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Depends on the day, but usually it's Alabama. I swear, Mississippi and Alabama are like two passive gay guys, always fighting to see who gets to be bottom this week.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Weren't those part of Nikki Haley's explicit instructions? Government workers in S. C. dealing with the public are supposed to answer the phone with "It's a great day in South Carolina!" and everyone else is supposed to say "Thank God for South Carolina".

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      At first thought, it would be great to re-enact the final days of the civil war and burn the state down. But on second thought, having been through South Carolina, could you tell the difference? I think they did the burnin' for us already.

  6. SexySmurf

    We all made fun of Alvin Greene, but he's William Jennings Bryan compared to the rest of these idiots.

  7. Chet Kincaid

    " 'South Carolina can avoid or at least mitigate social and economic upheaval upon the collapse of the federal government by immediately returning descendants of former slaves to descendants of their rightful owners.' Now, now, don't y'all get upset, a Property Owner's Commission will protect against the worst abuses!"

  8. coolhandnuke

    Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy was the decisive factor in Bachmann choosing him to head the SC campaign.

    1. tessiee

      "Bright's uncanny resemblance to an eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy"

      *snorty laugh through nose*
      Yeah, right! "Eight inch"!

    1. Buckminster

      Be the first one in the GOP to collect the whole set! Here, have Denny Rehberg. We can certainly spare him.

        1. Baconzgood

          Lee Iamastupidfuckhickfromthesouthwhichshouldbeburneddown Bright is what's on his driver's license.

          1. Not_So_Much

            That one sounds native american? Probably passed down from his great-great-great-great grandfather settler and his sister/wife.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    So Mr. Bright is trying to foist Michele Bachmann on the American people in the hopes that it'll generate positive momentum for the secessionist movement, right? See, he's not as dumb as y'all thought.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Michele Bachmann as the 21st Century version of Jefferson Davis?
      At least Jefferson Davis was literate.

  10. chascates

    It would take a rebel dead-ender to think Bachmann has a chance at any office higher than what she already has. Her Alabama chair probably rides pigs while naked.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I'm sure there are thousands of pigs who will come out and say that he's never ridden them naked.

  11. ProgressiveInga

    I hear the dude who ran Jerry Sandusky's non-profit organization to help disadvantaged children is available for work. Sheley can you hear me?

  12. fartknocker

    You'll get a kick out of his facebook page. My favorite statement is:

    "Government doesn't create jobs, they just put a burden on job creators."

    This guy is perfect for Bachmann.

    Be sure to leave him a warm, inciteful message on his Facebook page.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, c'mon! His pic is worth at least a "Scandal involving inappropriate contact with a 9-year-old boy in the Baptist church vestry in 3…2…1…" comment.

    2. SenileAgitation

      His legislative record is pathetic, ass-packed with teabagger-tweaked swinish irrelevancies that went nowhere. He is perfect to shepherd Michele to victory!

  13. Goonemeritus

    I refuse to believe that a historically loyal and pro-union State like South Carolina would ever harbor a secessionist.

  14. memzilla

    So the person Ol' Crazy Eyes hires to be the campaign director for her run for the Office of the President of the United States is someone who has publicly advocated treason against the country of the United States?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Why not? The ding-dong was yapping just the other night about how the US should emulate China's communist society and government.

      1. RadiosTyrone

        Let us all thank Zeus we are going multiple days, near weeks, without a Palin post. And we are still here snarking away.

  15. weejee

    [alt text] Next up, an empty bag of Doritos will be running Michele's campaign in Florida

    I thought that there empty bag was running her national campaign. But no surprise, I wuz confused again. The national director is a filatiated corn dog.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      If at first you end up surrendering and being occupied and reconstructed for a decade, bitch about it for the rest of fucking eternity.

        1. JohnyEdge

          Yup. Reconstruction ended at least 150 years too soon. We ought to be thinking whether maybe its time to give the vote back to the South some time around 2100.

          At the earliest.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Yeah, but never ever ever expect foreign countries to act the same way after we go in on a lie and lay waste overseas. Nuh uh.

  16. DaRooster

    We once tried to have our own currency called "Mendo-Bucks" (I think)… it went over like a fart in church.

  17. Baconzgood

    Hey tea bagger fuck that loves the U.S. Constitution in it's original form, read Article 1 clauses 5 and 6 much?

  18. Toomush_Infer

    Say! This worked out so well for them in 1865. Those Confederate dollars just went straight through the roof (of course, it was up in smoke)…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh Bob Marshall — how could I have forgotten? That there fellow was the General Assembly's crazy old uncle back when they were just isolated lunatic cranks and not a political force.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I guess every state/ commonwealth assembly has one, an old bird counted on to contribute the looney. 2011 was a big year for Marshall's off-the-wall sentiments to prove that this is one dopey 'uncle' ready to be retired from public service.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Why does he hate Bible Spice? I'm sure she only did it because it would inconvenient to have the result of her bout of Jungle Fever running around downtown Wasilla.

    3. Limeylizzie

      What a turd, but I love this comment from a nice lady called Jayne.

      by jaynes4444 March 3, 2010 4:00 PM EST
      What a loser.
      And people voted him in WOW
      The lord told me someone should punch you in the face you idiot.

  19. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    South Carolina would be a much better place for One-L and Marcus. Seems like the ratio of crazy-Jeebus-people to sane would be much higher than Minnesota. Hopefully her district will soon get tired of her (or actually want her to you know, be in Congress) and vote for a new flavor of the day.

  20. memzilla

    Has anyone googled up what the state flag of South Carolina looks like? It's got a palm tree and a crescent! Muslin symbolism much, people?

    1. SenileAgitation

      They are fiscal conservatives, so nothing can go wrong! And hey, monsieur, congrats and thanks for the tip/post.

  21. Sassomatic

    South Carolina will be a place where you can invest your special currency in lucrative ventures such as "ski ball" and use your dividends to buy crappy candy and rubber spiders.

  22. Joshua Norton

    adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ without delay

    I'd recommend a currency system backed by "Gone With the Wind" commemorative plates and Beanie Babies.

  23. Chichikovovich

    I expect that every one of us, at least once in our lives, have had a boyfriend/girlfriend who is always saying "I've had it. I'm breaking up with you." every time s/he didn't get exactly what s/he wanted, or there was a fight over something, etc. Only to say, some short time later – "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it/I don't really want that/etc." And then didn't you finally reach a point where you wanted to, or even did, say "OK, you're right. We should break up. Here's your stuff."

    Can't we do that with South Carolina? Just say "You know, we may have been hasty all those years ago. But let's not rehash the past or point fingers. Let's look forward. We'll help you pack." Then hopefully people like Michele B. will be attracted there like moths to the flames of Freedom. Make sure we lock the door behind each one of them as they leave.

      1. Chichikovovich

        True, in its absence my collection of fireworks and cheap Mexican-themed souvenir ashtrays would take a major hit. Perhaps we could make it a semi-autonomous free city, as Danzig was in the inter-war period.

      1. Chichikovovich

        South Carolina is that girlfriend/boyfriend who finally gets you to realize the deep truth in the saying "Don't Fuck Crazy". Oh, yes, it may be an experience unlike any you've known before, and the passion may be heightened by the knife-edge of sheer lunacy you're riding. But in the end you're being chased by a headcase in a sheet, torch raised, who has some serious daddy issues about Strom Thurmond and eats fresh-caught beavers from the swamp. Then it just doesn't seem like a good idea anymore.

        1. Guppy

          Look, America knows that its relationship with South Carolina can be charitably described as "tumultuous," and America has even begun to notice how all states with "Carolina" in their name seem to need professional help for some reason.

          But America has to admit that the sex was truly epic, and during America's "personal moments," the thoughts of America do occasionally drift back to "that sparkin' thang" with South Carolina, at least until America remembers that it doesn't hate itself that much any more…

          Hindsight has to count for something! Perhaps America is better able to cope with The Crazy now! What if, instead of pretending we have a "more perfect Union" with South Carolina, we just sign a "Compact of Friends with Benefits" instead? After all, most of the drama seems to have been caused by arguments over what does and does not "count" as unconstitutional!

          Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to simultaneously masturbate and cry.

          1. Chichikovovich

            When you describe it that way it sounds like it has its attractions, but I'm afraid that the "Friends with Benefits" contract South Carolina has in mind is: "No more sex, but you will pay my rent and I can raid your refrigerator. Oh, and my new boyfriend can wear your Armani suit whenever he has to appear before a judge."

  24. Eve8Apples

    Dear South Carolina:

    Pleased to learn you no longer wish to use the dirty, worthless United States Dollar as your currency. Those dollars have Communist Kenyan cooties, you know. You should send all your unwanted United States Dollars to Eve care of Wonkette. Eve will properly dispose of all your unwanted filthy dollars.

    Good luck on that currency switch!


    1. GOPCrusher

      Maybe they can try trading tobaccy and cotton to the rest of the world for stuff, you know, like last time.

  25. johnnyzhivago


    Every state should have it's own currency!!! South Carolina could have the Pallemeto – and the fancy golden "5 Palemeto" – collectible gold coin.

    New York could have "Empires" and who wouldn't want a pocket full of California "Bears". New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants.

    1. Guppy

      South Carolina's state currency would be those commemorative Liberian coins they sell on late-night TV, sold to them at a rate of 1 USD for 1 LRD.

      1. fletc3her

        I'm still pissed the Washington coin doesn't have Washington's portrait on both sides. Serious missed opportunity.

    2. tessiee

      "New Jersey would be stuck with the Lead Alloy "Christie" and a pocket full of them would probably rip a hole in your pants."

      On behalf of New Jersey, I demand a pizza- and calzone-based currency.

  26. flamingpdog

    “She is the conservative who has been consistent in her record and her rhetoric.”

    For some reason, I first read "rhetoric" as "neurotic".

  27. Rotundo_

    I take it that Michele is paying him in South Carolinian currency: Probably Bud Lite or some other really shitty beer. I am sure that it will be successful beyond Michele's wildest dreams. Either that, or amount to a case of empties left in some really cheap storefront rental reeking of the former pet store that inhabited it last, with a bunch of left over pamphlets from Iowa papering the walls.

  28. El Pinche

    "The greatest American Patriot is the American that hates the living shit out his country."
    -Abraham Lincoln

  29. Indiepalin

    Watching Michele Bachmann run a presidential campaign is like watching a chimp trying to open a locked suitcase.

  30. barto

    Secession. Let's do it. Give them a whole state, build a nice electric fence so they can't escape, and let the invisible hand do the rest or the work of wiping this scourge off the American political landscape once and for all. Make Grover Norquist king.

  31. user-of-owls

    the timely adoption of an alternative sound currency that the state’s government and citizens may employ

    Must confess that I'm a bit intrigued by the idea of a currency based on sound, though knowing South Carolina, I'd guess most economic activity would center around the question, "Can y'all break a Wind?"

    1. Chichikovovich

      As described in Blight Bright's economic manifesto: "Sound Currency: A New Scale of Values"

      [Ducks behind podium as pots and pans come flying from audience.]

    1. Chichikovovich

      Maybe it's barter: Bright runs her SC campaign and Michele arranges for Marcus to give him ex-gay therapy.

    1. tessiee

      "Why do conservatives hate America?"

      Because America is based, at least in theory, on a level playing field and equality in the eyes of the law, which makes it obvious how much conservatives suck.

  32. tessiee

    Cmere, cmere.
    *motions everybody closer*
    I gotta idea.
    You know how all those right-wing asshats reflexively oppose *everything* Obama does? I figure we can somehow get him to say that he's *against* Sacralonna seceding from the Union (again), and they'll make a big, atrociously spelled and punctuated stink about how he's oppressing them, and then GO AWAY.

  33. datateday

    Those purtty eyes would never prop up a secessionist to a seat of power within their political campaign, could they?!?

  34. Negropolis

    “If at first you don’t secede, try again,” Bright joked…

    Because, secession talk is so funny. Damn Sherman for not finishing the job he started…

  35. Crowe2011

    Too bad she couldn't get a quality nutter like Jim DeMint. Surely any hero worship of 'the wisdom of our founding fathers' ends the moment you realise the filibuster system means a guy like Jim DeMint can effectively veto anything he doesn't like, including unemployment benefits during a recession.

  36. DahBoner

    Michelle climbed the highest mountain in SC to find out how to succeed.

    At the top, she found this guru, sitting almost naked in a loincloth and a turban.

    Hello, I am here to learn how to succeed.

    Well, you've come to the right place!

    My name is 'Ceed'….


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