book learnin'

Bill O’Reilly’s Dumb Lincoln Book Banned By National Park Service

Abe Lincoln wrote the best Constitution right after he won the Revolution War!When you go to a national park or historic site or whatever, there’s always a gift shop with appropriate gift items. Ford’s Theatre in Washington, where a prancing confederate teabagger actor killed America’s greatest Civil War president, has just such a gift store. You could buy an Abraham Lincoln plush, we imagine, or maybe a Mary Todd Lincoln goth hoodie. But what you won’t find is television idiot Bill O’Reilly’s new book about the Lincoln Assassination — because it’s so full of ridiculous mistakes and errors and blunders and outright falsehoods that the historians fear some “regular non-Fox News people” might accidentally buy the book as a souvenir and then become mouth-breathing cretins.

Salon’s Justin Elliot reports on the hilarious historical scandal:

A reviewer for the official National Park Service bookstore at Ford’s Theatre has recommended that Bill O’Reilly’s bestselling new book about the Lincoln assassination not be sold at the historic site “because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”

Rae Emerson, deputy superintendent at Ford’s Theatre, which is a national historic site under the jurisdiction of the National Park Service, has penned a scathing appraisal of O’Reilly’s “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America Forever.” In Emerson’s official review, which I’ve pasted below, she spends four pages correcting passages from O’Reilly’s book before recommending that it not be offered for sale at Ford’s Theatre because it is not up to quality standards.

So what did the blowhard jackass get wrong in his “million-selling alternate history textbook”? Oh, some basic stuff. All the scenes in the Oval Office are suspect, because the Oval Office didn’t exist at the time. There’s also a bunch of conspiracy theory and wrong dates, places, names, numbers, pretty much wrong everything … which is about what you’d expect from a Fox News report. [Salon/Washington Post]

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  • FNMA

    I guess the part about Robert E. Lee being on the grassy knoll tipped them off.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Or when Colonel Sanders burned Atlanta.

      • bureaucrap

        Thus inspiring his recipe for chicken "extra crunchy".

      • elviouslyqueer

        Or when dear Abe tweeted the Gettysburg Address to his followers.

        • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

          First draft began with the phrase, "How now and brown cow"…

        • not that Dewey

          140 characters is not nearly enough. Needs bullet points and auto-content wizard to really get the point across.

      • RadiosTyrone

        I heard Abe didn't have health insurance.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Nor were there any chickens on hand for bartering.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Nor did he wear an onion on his belt, as was the fashion at the time.

          • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

            He did, however, carry around a lot of garlic to keep vampires at bay.

          • Negropolis

            Which is all and well being that the war was between Team Edward and Team Jacob.

      • a_pink_poodle

        Wait I thought it was the Hitler who burned down Atlanta with his army of Soviet Redcoats

        • Dr_Zoidberg

          No, that's from Glenn Beck's historical tome of the Revolutionary War – "We Fought the British to Defeat Socialism!'

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I thought the main problem was when Lincoln commanded his forces to dump the body of Jefferson Davis off of the side of his carrier without releasing the photos.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        Photos or it didn't happen!!

        • RadiosTyrone

          Wasn't Ford's Theater originally called Building #7? And didn't Booth have early CIA ties?

    • jsmith321

      Sheesh…O'Reilly just showed a copy of a letter on his show from an official at Ford's Theatre indicating the reports are false and his book is on sale there. I just love when Olbermann and people here get caught believing any lie or inaccurate statement slamming a conservative. Wonder if Olbermann or any other liberal blogger will retract and apologize……hear the crickets??

    • Negropolis

      Or the part about Jeff Davis crossing the Mississippi one fateful night to defeat the Louisianan Haitians.

      • RadiosTyrone

        Creole, baby, like when Robert Johnson tried to sell his Civil War era guitar on Pawn Stars.

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Lies go in. Books get thrown out. How do ya explain that? (Besides good judgement)

    • McRibzgood

      Damn I should read the comments first. I was a little punchy on my snark.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      FOX News?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        That reminds me of one of my favorite pieces of criticism, although I can't remember who wrote it, directed toward Marilyn Quayle's book Embrace the Serpent:

        "This book makes you want to roll up a newspaper and hit it over the head saying 'Bad book, bad book!'"

      • flamingpdog

        No, word salad should be tossed.

  • http://www.scribd.com/doc/71923813 4TheTurnstiles

    Fuck it, we'll do it live

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Dern you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Well, Lincoln was a republican, so I'm sure he was a tea bagger as well? Just sayin' (Fox logic and all).

    Needz moar war on Christmas.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Needz MOAR war on EVUHTHANG!

    • Swampgas_Man

      They didn't fire on Fort Sumter, they fired on the North Pole! Thousands of elves died in vain!

    • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      Lincoln was really more of a moderate liberal (moderate because, well, he was no flaming abolitionist), so definitely not a teabagger.

      If slavery were still an issue today, what side do you think Bill would be on, the pro-States' Rights & pro-property rights side, or the Nat Turner/John Brown "Kill Whitey" side?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He'd be on the I-got-mine-so-fuck-you side, no matter where, no matter when. In this case, he'd be on the I-got-my-slaves-so-fuck-you side. If he was living high in Mao's China, he'd be all for the commie party and shooting down the librulz.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Who needs facts when you can just make shit up?

  • prommie

    It was the claim that John Wilkes Booth escaped by knocking a tourist off his Segway and zipping off into the night on it that got people suspicious.

    • A_Z_0_9_and_

      Mmm, I thought the bit about Booth going into a homicidal rage after binging on falafels was a mite tendentious, meself.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    True fact: Motto of Ford's Theatre was Fuck it. We'll do it live!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Aside from that, how did you like the play, Mrs Lincoln?

  • samsuncle

    Should have had Newt as his co-author because everyone knows that Newt is a well known historian.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      He's such a well-known historian that he's the only one EVAH to make $300K just for teaching history. Unlike that Doris Kearns Goodwin poseuse.

  • SexySmurf

    So, the part about the newly freed slaves wanting "more motherfucking iced tea" wasn't true?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Imagine that.

  • Sue4466

    Someone better lockdown the Lincoln wikipedia entry before BillO's fans "authenticate" his facts there.

  • SorosBot

    So wait, are you telling me that Pres. Lincoln wasn't actually a staunch defender of states' rights?

    • Guppy

      "The states have a right to KISS MY ASS!"

      –A. Lincoln (O'Reilly, 2011)

  • CapnFatback

    Well, I suppose that what O'Reilly gets for putting John Wilkes Booth on the "Patriot" side of the ledger.

  • gullywompr

    You know who else was shot down at Ford's Theater?

    • nounverb911

      Edsel Ford?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Gaston Chevrolet?

    • nounverb911

      The Detroit Lions?

    • MistaEko

      CATS?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Dee Troyt?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Jesse James?

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Sparkly vampires?

    • RadiosTyrone

      Andrew Dice Clay?

    • Chichikovovich

      Ford Maddox Ford?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      John Dillinger?

    • Antispandex

      Oswald?

    • A_Z_0_9_and_

      The City of New York?

    • flamingpdog

      "Hey Joe"'s old lady?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Well, he did have that gun in his hand.

        • gullywompr

          Yeah, where was he going with that anyway?

    • Negropolis

      Walter Reuther, first, nearly at the Battle of the Overpass in Dearborn, and then finally at Black Lake in Northern Michigan?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Lincoln was congratulated for freeing the slaves while at the theater. "What the fuck are you talking about I ordered that drunkard Grant to leave the caves, not free the slaves. I'll fix that in the morning – thanks very much. Free the slaves – that would be some serious shit – you could start a REAL civil war with that kind of talk!!!" And there was much laughter all around.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Another juicy factoid revealed in the book: The Lincoln-Do­uglas debates took place at the Lincoln Center, where the President argued with Kirk Douglas about the fiscal implications of using old scripts from Sea Hunt as the foundation of our national environmen­tal policy.

    • FNMA

      That is so wrong. Kirk Douglas wasn't in Sea Hunt. That was William Shatner.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Hey, I'm totally qualified to write a book now!

      • Isyaignert

        Sorry, but it was Lloyd Bridges in Sea Hunt. Used to watch it all of the time. They all do all have a certain kind of look, tho.

        • DaRooster

          "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffin' glue."

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Hey, *I* was gonna say that.

        • A_Z_0_9_and_

          And William Shatner in SeaQuest, if you want to put a fine point on it.

        • FNMA

          Jeez, it was a joke. OK, it wasn't a good joke…

  • McRibzgood

    I write shit Ford's Theater doesn't put it on the shelf. You can't explain it.

  • SmutBoffin

    This is the kind of thing that gets your history license revoked.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      OT, but your icon is really cute.

  • Pragmatist2

    Some people say that "the truth" is a front for George Soros and was actually born in Kenya.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Did Wild Bill include the factroid that Teddy Kennedy drove the getaway car?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      No, no ,no. Teddy killed Lincoln himself. At Chappaquiddick.

  • DaRooster

    "… with the laser dot pointed squarely at his noggin, the President removed his coat to allow his Jet Pack the proper air to fuel ratio for take off. But he was too slow."

  • Joshua Norton

    The part about Booth being an ACLU card-carrying commie liberal who voted for Obama was a bit of a stretch.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Haha, they didn't carry cards back then! Stone tablets.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Al Franken said Abe Lincoln was shot because the guy sitting behind him couldn't see over his hat.

    That's probably not in Bull O'Really?'s book, huh?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      I thought *every*body knew that. I mean, it's really annoying.

  • SmutBoffin

    I hope there are many erotic passages in the book because Bill is a master of vivid depictions of the sexual act.

    • Isyaignert

      You mean with lines like, "Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." This is an actual quote from one of his sick fuk audio books that I accidentially listened to one time.

      • CapnFatback

        Why did you keep accidentally not hitting "Stop" on the player?

        • Isyaignert

          Hahah – good one! Actually, I was listening to the Stephanie Miller radio show and they played that clip to make fun of Bill-O.

  • Schmannnity

    I learned a lot. Who knew that Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address came from Roger Ailes' talking points?

  • bureaucrap

    The scene in the book where lincoln dies just before he reveals the location of the buried treasure is NOT believable. For one thing, he never kept a live parrot perched on his shoulder, and he never said, "Arrgh, aye, mateys."

    • A_Z_0_9_and_

      Fourteen men on a dead man's chest–but enough about necrophilia.

      • flamingpdog

        Sorry, we don't serve Necros here at teh Wonkette lunch counter.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Maybe when O'Reilly said that Lincoln cut taxes right after the Peninsular Campaign, embraced states' rights and market-based strategies for ending slavery, had definitive proof that Jeff Davis was hiding weapons of mass destruction in Charleston Harbor, and that John Wilkes Booth was a Muslim who had once been editor of the Harvard Law Review, that he had done a little further than the historical record warranted. But then those sissy scholars in their ivory towers are always yelling about facts — O'Reilly tells history from his gut, you liberal simps. Get used to it!

    • RadiosTyrone

      Abe was the OG GOP.

    • flamingpdog

      O'Reilly tells history from his gut, but the story doesn't come out of his mouth.

    • Negropolis

      Silly, everyone knows that Jeff Davis hid the WMD at Oak Ridge. Charleston Harbor is where Stonewall hid the U-Boats.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It seems highly unfair to hold someone from FOX to a standard that requires them to be factual and accurate.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, does this mean there is no truth in Bill's claim that Lincoln gladly produced his birth certificate before being sworn in?

    Or that before being elected president, he was mostly known for his skill with a loofa?

    • Negropolis

      He says he was born in a log cabin, but I want to see the axe before I make my decision.

  • DaRooster

    “… lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”=WTF?!

  • Joshua Norton

    Fun Fact: Lincoln was the first president to let big party donors spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

    • DahBoner

      #WINNING

    • Negropolis

      Joshua Speed Libel, yo!

  • prommie

    This bores me, I am going to go out and get a loofah sandwich. I can't wait till I get home from work tonight, I plan to take a long, hot shower and falafel the grime off my skin.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    The Oval Office–how'd it get there? Who put it there?

    • Joshua Norton

      I know. I know. Charles McKim (McKim, Mead & White) designed it for Teddy Roosevelt.

      What do I win?

      • Geminisunmars

        An autographed copy of “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America Forever.” Woo hoo.

      • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

        Needs more gals on velvet swings.

    • Steverino247

      William Howard Taft, believe it or not. Nathan C. Wyeth did the design. More here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oval_Office

      • Angry_Marmot

        Because when Taft sat around the Oval, he sat AROUND the Oval.

  • meatlofer

    …and they say Mary Todd Lincoln was nuts?

    • arihaya

      compared to current Republicans candidates, Mary Todd Lincoln was like an Aristotle

  • MistaEko

    It was really the conspiracy fun facts that didn't sit well with the Park Service. Stuff like Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre then hid in a warehouse, while Oswalt shot his load during phone sex with producers then his wife hid in the arms of a Long Island Policeman.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Your move, Keith Olbermann!

  • hagajim

    "ridiculous mistakes and errors and blunders" – isn't that Billo's nickname? Also – I want to know if there are any loofah's in the book.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Laugh now, libtards. Billy-O's book about Pearl Harbor is gonna crush it.

    • HarryButtle

      Germans?

    • flamingpdog

      Especially the part about him falafelling Pearl in the shower.

    • Negropolis

      Those damn pineapple-chomping Hawaiians. I knew we should have kept a better eye on them. Obama bombed Pearl Harbor! The Baby Barack went back in time to do the dirty deed!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Used to be you'd publish books because you were a noted historian, Bill; you don't get designated a noted historian just because you publish books. Some logical fallacy must've fallen out of your skull and onto the page while you labored over this barf sandwich. Next time stick to Pinheads for Dummies: self-portraiture might be easier to render accurately in your case.

    • hagajim

      But it ought to be noted that Bill is a noted asshole.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, according to Bilious Billo, Honest Abe was a total socialist who had the temerity to free a bunch of poor black folks, thus creating the welfare morass we're in today. Lincoln (D), obvs.

  • coolhandnuke

    The passage where "Lincoln dined on $16 muffins that morning' does raise a question or two.

  • CapnFatback

    "Ol' Honest Abe stared leeringly at Mary Todd, who was cleaning his hat. 'Crazy in the head; wild in the sack,' Abe thought.

    She noticed Abe's five-dollar stare. 'Penny for your thoughts, dear.'

    He laboriously dropped his britches. 'One penny? How about a whole roll?'

    'And then some,' Mary Todd cooed.

    Abe advanced like Meade into Gettysburg: 'Say baby, put down that stovepipe and get my stovepipe up.'

    And that's why the Lincoln Bedroom has come to be known as Sex Mountain."

    • SmutBoffin

      Did you know that Abe Lincoln was so tall that dropping his trousers took 6.2 minutes?

      You can look it up.

      • CapnFatback

        You know, I'm willing to bet that there was more historical accuracy in my little passage above than in the whole of O'Reilly's book.

  • arihaya

    just wait until BillO write a book about the heroism of Bush when he finally found and killed Osama bin Laden

    • DaRooster

      Bush was kinda like a seal… all trained up and shit.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    Didn't we just cover the swag discussion in another thread? Cheap, tasteless crap that the Park Service doesn't want the responsibility of foisting onto its patrons.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Hey, that's capitalism you're talking about there, get the cheapest, crappiest product, then sell it a grotesque mark-up, and you profit margin will be the best evah! I mean, just imagine if Shakespeare WAS written by an infinite number of monkeys? Aside from the bananas, where's the overheads?

  • Antispandex

    …“because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”

    Well, if THAT is going to be your standard, sure! Why not just ban ALL Teapublican publications! That sort of censorship is not what America is all about! OK, it should be, but it isn't.

    • ProgressiveInga

      F*ck accuracy. Let the markets decide!

    • Geminisunmars

      Freedums of the Press!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Too bad. I rather liked the part where Newt's time machine kids arrange a daring rescue and a shirtless Reagan jumps out of an apache attack helicopter with a machine gun in one hand and says, "Hasta la vista, southern democrats."

  • Toomush_Infer

    Quit raggin' on Bill – his diet just doesn't allow him any more to reach his computer – he has to do everything by Dragon Naturally, and that doesn't allow for research…

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    BILL O'REILLY'S
    book about abraham lincoln.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Lincoln: favorite drink? turpentine.

  • McRibzgood

    Will Bed Bath and Beyond stock his line of loofa/falafels?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Yep. They're called Loofalafels.

      • McRibzgood

        I used to play the loofalafel in high school. I was second chair.

        • Generation[redacted]

          You were in the Whoville marching band too?

        • flamingpdog

          I hope you cleaned up afterwards.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    You know who else wrote a book "lacking in documentation and full of factual errors?"

    • Geminisunmars

      God?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Um, Hitler?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Herman Cain's book only had one factual error: the title.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Pyotr Ivanovich Rachkovsky?

    • not that Dewey

      Stephen Colbert?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Charles Murray?

    • Negropolis

      Dan Brown?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I am planning to do my part by reshelving this in the fiction section at all of my local bookstores as well as the library. I suggest you all do the same.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      While you're at, could you put the Catholicism books in the true crime section where they belong? Thanks, you're the best.

  • Nostrildamus

    Too bad. I loved the part where Lincoln freed the slaves from Obamacare.

  • owhatever

    The facts stop here.

  • Tundra Grifter

    The Ron Paultards are engaged in a Texas Steelcase Death Match with Bull O'Really's book over at Amazon.

    Turns out Bull said something nasty about Mr. Paul – so they hate him.

    Also turns out they think Abe Lincoln was a complete jerk (I did not know that). So they are unloading on Bull's book. With some 1,100 "reviews."

    Sweet!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Watching RWNutbags Nom Each Other < — My dream holiday entertainment.

  • DahBoner

    Which chapter does Lincoln take a shower with a falafel, while sexually harassing a subordinate by telegraph???

  • Rotundo_

    Like all the winger books (ordered by the pallet load by conservatard money people to hand out as gifts for subscribing to magazines or donating to think tanks) this one will provide a warm cozy feeling as it joins dozens of others at a pop in the fireplaces and burn barrels of the world. If they ship them to the soldiers over in Afghanistan soon, they can use them for heating and also for fuel savings while burning the shit barrels at the latrines with the kerosene. It may not be welcome at Ford's Theatre, but out in the Afghan hills where it's no doubt getting chilly, some fine literature will go well in the burn barrel or the shit barrel. At least it is combustable.

  • Guppy

    But he based it on a noted television documentary! It even starred Rex Hamilton!

  • El Pinche

    I guess NPS felt the chapter where Lincoln loofah-bangs Mary Todd in the Ford theater bathhouse was inaccurate.

  • Chichikovovich

    On the subject of right-wing propaganda about presidents. My daughter's school had a "book fair" at the local Barnes and Noble. Teachers display recommended books, and school gets a cut of what gets bought. Waiting in the kids section, I happened to pick up a book for lil' sprouts on president Reagan. I can see where the next generation of wingnuts will be coming from.

    Full of little gems like "President Reagan wanted to cut spending when he got to Washington. But some programs – like school lunches and Medicare – were so popular that Congress wouldn't let him. So he couldn't cut as much as he wanted, and spending continued to grow, just at a slower rate." No mention of the absolute explosion of military spending, which made every other bit of discretionary spending look tiny. Page after page of stuff like that. Divorce from Jane Wyman? Bluff, noble Ronnie just wasn't ready for Hollywood people and their Hollywood ways. Iran-Contra? Ronnie victimized by rogue officer in the Pentagon (interestingly, the officer is not given a name).

    To use the phrasing chosen by people who study scientific method, the Reagan Revolution has clearly entered it's "normal phase".

    • coolhandnuke

      Ronnie divorced Wyman–who was one fine actress at the time–so he could marry Nancy–who was one lousy actress, but did carry the nickname Best Little Blowjob in Hollywood.

  • rocktonsam

    oh and those autopsy photos seemed rather suspect also

  • Slim_Pickins

    What does poor, maligned Bill think of this conspiracy to prevent two or three people from accidentally buying his book?

  • unclejeems

    I hear several copies were snatched up by the library at Governor Perry's alma mater, Texas A & M. But most of them had to be discarded before they made it to the shelves–the corps of cadets had come through and colored in them. Then they had to close the library down–someone had checked out the remaining book.

  • ttommyunger

    "Bill O’Reilly’s Dumb Lincoln Book Banned By National Park Service." Well, it's a start, now if we can just ban the big dumb cunt himself.

  • thefrontpage

    This is a passage, quoted verbatim, from Chapter Six of O'Reilly's book:

    The night before the play was a particularly amorous one for the Lincolns. Conceding to Mary's consistent pleas to "expand our horizons" and "experiment," Abe finally agreed to join Mary at one of the "D.C. Swinger" parties that Mary saw advertised in the "Personals" section of "The Washington Post-Herald-Times City Paper," an "underground" popular broadsheet in the nation's capital. The "swinger" party was held around the corner from the White House on L Street, and Abe and Mary were well-received at the party, which featured Democrats, Whigs, Republicans, Congressmen, businessmen, socialites, college students, Hill staffers, two Supreme Court judges, lobbyists, more businessmen and a particularly peculiar group of city men who liked to dress as women!

  • thefrontpage

    The party lasted for several hours, and as the night wore on, everyone took their clothes off and a wild, uninhibited orgy of sexual activity occurred. Mary and Abe slept in the next day, and most of the White House staff did, too, as they also attended the party." –from Bill O'Reilly's Lincoln book, Chapter 6, "The Secret Nightlife of Abe and Mary."

  • WeHaveIssues

    Fox Noos and Bill… We just make shit up and say it with authority. Works most of the time.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    George Soros.