book learnin'

Bill O’Reilly’s Dumb Lincoln Book Banned By National Park Service

Abe Lincoln wrote the best Constitution right after he won the Revolution War!When you go to a national park or historic site or whatever, there’s always a gift shop with appropriate gift items. Ford’s Theatre in Washington, where a prancing confederate teabagger actor killed America’s greatest Civil War president, has just such a gift store. You could buy an Abraham Lincoln plush, we imagine, or maybe a Mary Todd Lincoln goth hoodie. But what you won’t find is television idiot Bill O’Reilly’s new book about the Lincoln Assassination — because it’s so full of ridiculous mistakes and errors and blunders and outright falsehoods that the historians fear some “regular non-Fox News people” might accidentally buy the book as a souvenir and then become mouth-breathing cretins.

Salon’s Justin Elliot reports on the hilarious historical scandal:

A reviewer for the official National Park Service bookstore at Ford’s Theatre has recommended that Bill O’Reilly’s bestselling new book about the Lincoln assassination not be sold at the historic site “because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”

Rae Emerson, deputy superintendent at Ford’s Theatre, which is a national historic site under the jurisdiction of the National Park Service, has penned a scathing appraisal of O’Reilly’s “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America Forever.” In Emerson’s official review, which I’ve pasted below, she spends four pages correcting passages from O’Reilly’s book before recommending that it not be offered for sale at Ford’s Theatre because it is not up to quality standards.

So what did the blowhard jackass get wrong in his “million-selling alternate history textbook”? Oh, some basic stuff. All the scenes in the Oval Office are suspect, because the Oval Office didn’t exist at the time. There’s also a bunch of conspiracy theory and wrong dates, places, names, numbers, pretty much wrong everything … which is about what you’d expect from a Fox News report. [Salon/Washington Post]

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        1. Dr_Zoidberg

          No, that's from Glenn Beck's historical tome of the Revolutionary War – "We Fought the British to Defeat Socialism!'

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I thought the main problem was when Lincoln commanded his forces to dump the body of Jefferson Davis off of the side of his carrier without releasing the photos.

    2. jsmith321

      Sheesh…O'Reilly just showed a copy of a letter on his show from an official at Ford's Theatre indicating the reports are false and his book is on sale there. I just love when Olbermann and people here get caught believing any lie or inaccurate statement slamming a conservative. Wonder if Olbermann or any other liberal blogger will retract and apologize……hear the crickets??

    3. Negropolis

      Or the part about Jeff Davis crossing the Mississippi one fateful night to defeat the Louisianan Haitians.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        That reminds me of one of my favorite pieces of criticism, although I can't remember who wrote it, directed toward Marilyn Quayle's book Embrace the Serpent:

        "This book makes you want to roll up a newspaper and hit it over the head saying 'Bad book, bad book!'"

  1. CrunchyKnee

    Well, Lincoln was a republican, so I'm sure he was a tea bagger as well? Just sayin' (Fox logic and all).

    Needz moar war on Christmas.

    1. TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      Lincoln was really more of a moderate liberal (moderate because, well, he was no flaming abolitionist), so definitely not a teabagger.

      If slavery were still an issue today, what side do you think Bill would be on, the pro-States' Rights & pro-property rights side, or the Nat Turner/John Brown "Kill Whitey" side?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        He'd be on the I-got-mine-so-fuck-you side, no matter where, no matter when. In this case, he'd be on the I-got-my-slaves-so-fuck-you side. If he was living high in Mao's China, he'd be all for the commie party and shooting down the librulz.

  2. prommie

    It was the claim that John Wilkes Booth escaped by knocking a tourist off his Segway and zipping off into the night on it that got people suspicious.

    1. A_Z_0_9_and_

      Mmm, I thought the bit about Booth going into a homicidal rage after binging on falafels was a mite tendentious, meself.

  3. Sue4466

    Someone better lockdown the Lincoln wikipedia entry before BillO's fans "authenticate" his facts there.

  4. CapnFatback

    Well, I suppose that what O'Reilly gets for putting John Wilkes Booth on the "Patriot" side of the ledger.

    1. Negropolis

      Walter Reuther, first, nearly at the Battle of the Overpass in Dearborn, and then finally at Black Lake in Northern Michigan?

  5. johnnyzhivago

    Lincoln was congratulated for freeing the slaves while at the theater. "What the fuck are you talking about I ordered that drunkard Grant to leave the caves, not free the slaves. I'll fix that in the morning – thanks very much. Free the slaves – that would be some serious shit – you could start a REAL civil war with that kind of talk!!!" And there was much laughter all around.

  6. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Another juicy factoid revealed in the book: The Lincoln-Do­uglas debates took place at the Lincoln Center, where the President argued with Kirk Douglas about the fiscal implications of using old scripts from Sea Hunt as the foundation of our national environmen­tal policy.

      1. Isyaignert

        Sorry, but it was Lloyd Bridges in Sea Hunt. Used to watch it all of the time. They all do all have a certain kind of look, tho.

  7. DaRooster

    "… with the laser dot pointed squarely at his noggin, the President removed his coat to allow his Jet Pack the proper air to fuel ratio for take off. But he was too slow."

  8. Joshua Norton

    The part about Booth being an ACLU card-carrying commie liberal who voted for Obama was a bit of a stretch.

  9. Tundra Grifter

    Al Franken said Abe Lincoln was shot because the guy sitting behind him couldn't see over his hat.

    That's probably not in Bull O'Really?'s book, huh?

  10. SmutBoffin

    I hope there are many erotic passages in the book because Bill is a master of vivid depictions of the sexual act.

    1. Isyaignert

      You mean with lines like, "Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up." This is an actual quote from one of his sick fuk audio books that I accidentially listened to one time.

        1. Isyaignert

          Hahah – good one! Actually, I was listening to the Stephanie Miller radio show and they played that clip to make fun of Bill-O.

  11. Schmannnity

    I learned a lot. Who knew that Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address came from Roger Ailes' talking points?

  12. bureaucrap

    The scene in the book where lincoln dies just before he reveals the location of the buried treasure is NOT believable. For one thing, he never kept a live parrot perched on his shoulder, and he never said, "Arrgh, aye, mateys."

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Maybe when O'Reilly said that Lincoln cut taxes right after the Peninsular Campaign, embraced states' rights and market-based strategies for ending slavery, had definitive proof that Jeff Davis was hiding weapons of mass destruction in Charleston Harbor, and that John Wilkes Booth was a Muslim who had once been editor of the Harvard Law Review, that he had done a little further than the historical record warranted. But then those sissy scholars in their ivory towers are always yelling about facts — O'Reilly tells history from his gut, you liberal simps. Get used to it!

    1. Negropolis

      Silly, everyone knows that Jeff Davis hid the WMD at Oak Ridge. Charleston Harbor is where Stonewall hid the U-Boats.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It seems highly unfair to hold someone from FOX to a standard that requires them to be factual and accurate.

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, does this mean there is no truth in Bill's claim that Lincoln gladly produced his birth certificate before being sworn in?

    Or that before being elected president, he was mostly known for his skill with a loofa?

  16. Joshua Norton

    Fun Fact: Lincoln was the first president to let big party donors spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

  17. prommie

    This bores me, I am going to go out and get a loofah sandwich. I can't wait till I get home from work tonight, I plan to take a long, hot shower and falafel the grime off my skin.

    1. Joshua Norton

      I know. I know. Charles McKim (McKim, Mead & White) designed it for Teddy Roosevelt.

      What do I win?

      1. Geminisunmars

        An autographed copy of “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America Forever.” Woo hoo.

  18. MistaEko

    It was really the conspiracy fun facts that didn't sit well with the Park Service. Stuff like Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre then hid in a warehouse, while Oswalt shot his load during phone sex with producers then his wife hid in the arms of a Long Island Policeman.

  19. hagajim

    "ridiculous mistakes and errors and blunders" – isn't that Billo's nickname? Also – I want to know if there are any loofah's in the book.

    1. Negropolis

      Those damn pineapple-chomping Hawaiians. I knew we should have kept a better eye on them. Obama bombed Pearl Harbor! The Baby Barack went back in time to do the dirty deed!

  20. Mumbletypeg

    Used to be you'd publish books because you were a noted historian, Bill; you don't get designated a noted historian just because you publish books. Some logical fallacy must've fallen out of your skull and onto the page while you labored over this barf sandwich. Next time stick to Pinheads for Dummies: self-portraiture might be easier to render accurately in your case.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    Well, according to Bilious Billo, Honest Abe was a total socialist who had the temerity to free a bunch of poor black folks, thus creating the welfare morass we're in today. Lincoln (D), obvs.

  22. CapnFatback

    "Ol' Honest Abe stared leeringly at Mary Todd, who was cleaning his hat. 'Crazy in the head; wild in the sack,' Abe thought.

    She noticed Abe's five-dollar stare. 'Penny for your thoughts, dear.'

    He laboriously dropped his britches. 'One penny? How about a whole roll?'

    'And then some,' Mary Todd cooed.

    Abe advanced like Meade into Gettysburg: 'Say baby, put down that stovepipe and get my stovepipe up.'

    And that's why the Lincoln Bedroom has come to be known as Sex Mountain."

    1. SmutBoffin

      Did you know that Abe Lincoln was so tall that dropping his trousers took 6.2 minutes?

      You can look it up.

      1. CapnFatback

        You know, I'm willing to bet that there was more historical accuracy in my little passage above than in the whole of O'Reilly's book.

  23. arihaya

    just wait until BillO write a book about the heroism of Bush when he finally found and killed Osama bin Laden

  24. OccupyFnChicken

    Didn't we just cover the swag discussion in another thread? Cheap, tasteless crap that the Park Service doesn't want the responsibility of foisting onto its patrons.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Hey, that's capitalism you're talking about there, get the cheapest, crappiest product, then sell it a grotesque mark-up, and you profit margin will be the best evah! I mean, just imagine if Shakespeare WAS written by an infinite number of monkeys? Aside from the bananas, where's the overheads?

  25. Antispandex

    …“because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication.”

    Well, if THAT is going to be your standard, sure! Why not just ban ALL Teapublican publications! That sort of censorship is not what America is all about! OK, it should be, but it isn't.

  26. Generation[redacted]

    Too bad. I rather liked the part where Newt's time machine kids arrange a daring rescue and a shirtless Reagan jumps out of an apache attack helicopter with a machine gun in one hand and says, "Hasta la vista, southern democrats."

  27. Toomush_Infer

    Quit raggin' on Bill – his diet just doesn't allow him any more to reach his computer – he has to do everything by Dragon Naturally, and that doesn't allow for research…

  28. BigDumbRedDog

    I am planning to do my part by reshelving this in the fiction section at all of my local bookstores as well as the library. I suggest you all do the same.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    The Ron Paultards are engaged in a Texas Steelcase Death Match with Bull O'Really's book over at Amazon.

    Turns out Bull said something nasty about Mr. Paul – so they hate him.

    Also turns out they think Abe Lincoln was a complete jerk (I did not know that). So they are unloading on Bull's book. With some 1,100 "reviews."


  30. DahBoner

    Which chapter does Lincoln take a shower with a falafel, while sexually harassing a subordinate by telegraph???

  31. Rotundo_

    Like all the winger books (ordered by the pallet load by conservatard money people to hand out as gifts for subscribing to magazines or donating to think tanks) this one will provide a warm cozy feeling as it joins dozens of others at a pop in the fireplaces and burn barrels of the world. If they ship them to the soldiers over in Afghanistan soon, they can use them for heating and also for fuel savings while burning the shit barrels at the latrines with the kerosene. It may not be welcome at Ford's Theatre, but out in the Afghan hills where it's no doubt getting chilly, some fine literature will go well in the burn barrel or the shit barrel. At least it is combustable.

  32. El Pinche

    I guess NPS felt the chapter where Lincoln loofah-bangs Mary Todd in the Ford theater bathhouse was inaccurate.

  33. Chichikovovich

    On the subject of right-wing propaganda about presidents. My daughter's school had a "book fair" at the local Barnes and Noble. Teachers display recommended books, and school gets a cut of what gets bought. Waiting in the kids section, I happened to pick up a book for lil' sprouts on president Reagan. I can see where the next generation of wingnuts will be coming from.

    Full of little gems like "President Reagan wanted to cut spending when he got to Washington. But some programs – like school lunches and Medicare – were so popular that Congress wouldn't let him. So he couldn't cut as much as he wanted, and spending continued to grow, just at a slower rate." No mention of the absolute explosion of military spending, which made every other bit of discretionary spending look tiny. Page after page of stuff like that. Divorce from Jane Wyman? Bluff, noble Ronnie just wasn't ready for Hollywood people and their Hollywood ways. Iran-Contra? Ronnie victimized by rogue officer in the Pentagon (interestingly, the officer is not given a name).

    To use the phrasing chosen by people who study scientific method, the Reagan Revolution has clearly entered it's "normal phase".

    1. coolhandnuke

      Ronnie divorced Wyman–who was one fine actress at the time–so he could marry Nancy–who was one lousy actress, but did carry the nickname Best Little Blowjob in Hollywood.

  34. Slim_Pickins

    What does poor, maligned Bill think of this conspiracy to prevent two or three people from accidentally buying his book?

  35. unclejeems

    I hear several copies were snatched up by the library at Governor Perry's alma mater, Texas A & M. But most of them had to be discarded before they made it to the shelves–the corps of cadets had come through and colored in them. Then they had to close the library down–someone had checked out the remaining book.

  36. ttommyunger

    "Bill O’Reilly’s Dumb Lincoln Book Banned By National Park Service." Well, it's a start, now if we can just ban the big dumb cunt himself.

  37. thefrontpage

    This is a passage, quoted verbatim, from Chapter Six of O'Reilly's book:

    The night before the play was a particularly amorous one for the Lincolns. Conceding to Mary's consistent pleas to "expand our horizons" and "experiment," Abe finally agreed to join Mary at one of the "D.C. Swinger" parties that Mary saw advertised in the "Personals" section of "The Washington Post-Herald-Times City Paper," an "underground" popular broadsheet in the nation's capital. The "swinger" party was held around the corner from the White House on L Street, and Abe and Mary were well-received at the party, which featured Democrats, Whigs, Republicans, Congressmen, businessmen, socialites, college students, Hill staffers, two Supreme Court judges, lobbyists, more businessmen and a particularly peculiar group of city men who liked to dress as women!

  38. thefrontpage

    The party lasted for several hours, and as the night wore on, everyone took their clothes off and a wild, uninhibited orgy of sexual activity occurred. Mary and Abe slept in the next day, and most of the White House staff did, too, as they also attended the party." –from Bill O'Reilly's Lincoln book, Chapter 6, "The Secret Nightlife of Abe and Mary."

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