Vegetables are for feminists.As America prepares to give Newt Gingrich his turn at waterboarding its collective unconscious with streams of incessant nonsense the media will for some reason pretend to pay attention to for a couple weeks, men’s fashion zine GQ brings us this late-breaking SCOOP about nearly-forgotten idiot Herman Cain’s political platform on, uh, pizza toppings: “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.” True words of wisdom! And that line is how we will remember him, now that two national polls have officially declared him a loser who can’t even get through a discussion about pizza toppings without saying something that reminds us he is an awful macho man sex creep.

From the GQ interview:

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?

Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.

Chris Heath: Why is that?

Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]

What the hell does that even mean? “Poverty is for pussies,” we guess. Meanwhile, his awful shtick has worn down to a wimpy “thin crust” with voters!

From the CNN poll write-up:

The survey indicates that only a bare majority of Republicans tend to believe Cain, and more than a third say he should end his presidential campaign. Among the general public, Cain has a bigger credibility problem – 50% of all Americans say they tend to believe the women and only a third say they believe Cain.

Ha ha, America is listening to “women” now, Herman Cain probably doesn’t even want to be president of you lunatics anymore, anyway.  [GQ/CNN]

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  • nounverb911

    "If you eat a pizza and die from blocked arteries, it's your own fault."

  • Herman versus Kortney.

    I've got my money on the vegetables.

    • HempDogbane

      Herman and Santorum will tag-team that cucumber…

    • GhostBuggy

      Look, this is what? The 5,00th reference to Kortney? Can we just get her to write a post for us? How much more do we have do to prove that we want her to become the official Wonkette mascot, vegetables and all? Kortney/Cuke 2012!

  • nounverb911

    Needs more cholesterol.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Herman Cain really loves to throw his meat around.

    • nounverb911

      Hold the sausage, please.

      • Guppy

        The job goes to whoever does hold the sausage.

  • paris biltong

    Tell you another secret: The more toppings you macho manly guys order the more it'll cost ya'. Suckers!

  • Mushrooms are so pussy.

    • nounverb911

      What about hallucinogenic ones?

  • He just can't stop talking about his pepperoni.

    P.S. On a serious note, peppers and pepperoni is a fine topping combo.

    • caitifty

      Especially when finely sliced.

  • lochnessmonster

    He really doesn't like Michelle pushing all those veges on our childrens either!

    • datateday

      Yeah, but Cain thinks kids should go get a job.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I wonder what Hermie would think of octopus pizza, which I had once in Venice. It was delicious, but probably not manly. I wonder what he would think about tentacled pizza in general?

    • emmelemm

      Tentacles of creeping sharia??

    • the_problem_child

      Was it made of Cain?

    • SpiderCrab

      As a man well-betesticuled, Cain likes his pizza with balls, not mollusks.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Hi, Godfathers? Yes, I'd like a large Hentai special with a side of female victim'

  • He also doesn't know who we bombed in Libya and why. He must have thought no one would ever ask him any questions about anything.

    This is so bad I almost felt sorry for the jerk.

    • paris biltong

      Right. Poor Shmuck: "Did I agree or not disagree with Obama?" Putting him out of his misery would be the best things to do at this stage.

    • Geminisunmars

      It is clear from that that Obama mishandled the whole thing. Didn't he?

    • OneYieldRegular

      What is it with these frail Republicans? Herman Cain can't answer a question because he hasn't had enough sleep. Rick Perry can't articulate his own simple three-point plan for demolishing government because he's tired. Joe Walsh attacks his own constituents because he had too much coffee (and not even a Twinkie). I mean, have you ever seen Barack Obama use some crappy excuse like this (not that he's ever been in a position to need one)?

      • Chichikovovich

        Well, it's harder for them. Obama just has to say what he favors and why. They see it as the worst thing in the world to agree with Obama about anything, even what day of the week it is. So first they have to figure out what Obama did or said he will do, and what reasons he gave for it. And then they have to figure out why what Obama did was the worst presidential action ever and what they would have done differently. That can be hard, sometimes, if it is something that it's politically impossible not to be in favor of.

        ("Killing Bin Laden? Well, I just wouldn't have done it, because…. No! Wait! I would have done it, but not publicized it. No no no, I mean – I would have publicized it, but in a less public way, and released the video of his death. But in a way that wouldn't offend our allies in the region. Anyway, in short, it's obvious to everyone that the way Obama did this put our brave soldiers' lives at risk and Obamacare.")

        This is a big collection of ideas for them to keep in their heads at once, especially given that they only have the cognitive capacity of a rotting potato.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      "I got all this stuff twirling around in my head."

      THAT is the quote to spread.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Bumper sticker. Now.

    • anniegetyerfun

      God, he is just so incredibly stupid. I really don't even understand how he got as far in life as he did, given how completely out of it he is 90% of the time.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'm glad you said "almost." Nobody stuck a gun in the guy's back and said "Run for president or I'll pull the trigger." If he can't answer a rather simple question about a major topic he ought to go back to rolling out dough and counting the pepperoni, and trying to pick up women who would rather be anywhere except with him. All these Republicans are worthless but this one is worth less than any of the others (well, except for Shely and the Wasilla witch). (and Newt and Paultard). (and Texas Rick and Mittens). (and…Christ, are we at the bottom of the barrel yet?)

  • owhatever

    I never saw those vegetables before they held that press conference.

    • paris biltong

      I also totally respect vegetables.

    • Geminisunmars

      Vegetable conspiracy.

    • I did not have sex with that vegetable. Cigars are another story.

  • Joshua Norton

    The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.

    Who is the bigger asshole? Cain or those who think he has a snowball's chance in hell of ever being President ?

  • meatlofer

    Rick Perry likes 3 things on his pies.1) Vegetables 2) Meat and 3)……………….oops.Oh I know …….Unborn Fetus…………….yep thats it!

  • Come here a minute

    However, ladies, Herman Cain would not mind 'stuffing your crust', if you know what he means.

    • He specified "blondes only."

    • ChessieNefercat

      If he's looking for something crusty to stuff, he should try the ol' Tundra Twatwaffle.

  • SexySmurf

    Devin Gordon: What do you think of the arugula?

    Herman Cain: Oh, I like it.

    Don't forget to smear some gay mustard on it first, you elitist Frenchman.

    • That's how we had it in Northern Italy. Really thin crust, sauce, arugula and prosciutto.

  • coolhandnuke

    Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]

    Most of us poverty pussies can afford a bun dance, they're $20 and up at the local pie shop.

    • Depends upon the pie you specify.

      I b'leev the OccuPie comes cheaper.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Can we get that with a side of crazy bread?

  • chascates

    Let's look at a Godfather's 'manly' jumbo all-meat combo (entire pie):
    6100 calories
    total fat 270g
    cholesterol 600mg
    sodium 14,000mg

    • nounverb911

      This is just an appetizer for Chris Christie.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Heart exploding: Priceless.

    • paris biltong

      I'll have a couple.

    • user-of-owls
      • Chichikovovich

        Oooh! That's a good one. Even if I thought along that line, I would have tried Chief Inspector Dreyfus: "Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world." and I would have gotten nowhere.

    • crybabyboehner

      "if you have a big dick, you wear tight pants.
      if you have a big gut, you order a meatlover's special."

  • Joshua Norton

    I really don't need any advice on how to be "manly" from a big wuss like Cain.

  • Once you start listening to them wimminz, might as well chew your own balls off.

    I'm sure that's what HERMAN says!

  • Well he would know, after all, how a real man behaves. Look at all the glowing testimonials, hushed up and buried with five figures.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.

    Too late, Herb, Chris Christy already endorsed Romney.

  • SayItWithWookies

    At long last, someone is standing up for the manly virtues of being an overstuffed, pampered, pig-eating, gluttonous, gropey ignoramus. Oh, and look — it's a Republican.

    • Rotundo_

      Pig-eating? I think you're missing an obscenity somewhere.

    • No wonder they need a wide stance.

  • UpstateYorkee

    I'll betcha if he watched Kortney's shocking video… he'd "crave" them…

  • The more copies of my book and other crap you buy the bigger the man you are. Or the lady for that matter.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.

    He means "plus-sized" models.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, I've had enough of this clown. Somebody get the hook and drag this bozo off the national stage. His macho homey shit is tiresome.

  • hagajim

    Has anyone checked this assclowns blood pressure…has to be very high with all that "meat" he likes to eat. Marcus, where are you when Herman needs you.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Which pussy put a pubic hair on my pizza?

    • nounverb911

      Clarence Thomas?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Jesus fekkin' Christ, Herman. Shut up and eat your damn tofu, seitan, and edamame Veggie Deluxe pie already.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I tell ya, it takes more of a "man" to eat those damn flavorless veggies than it does to eat the meat.

  • Callyson

    “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”
    Nah, he just doesn't want to compete with Kortney's vegetables.

  • hagajim

    Surprised Hermy didn't put the emphasis on "sausage" in his comments….poor dude thinks he's John "Shaft"

  • edgydrifter

    Herman Cain would not stick his dick in a smoked ham, so it is manly. He would stick his dick in a pumpkin, so it is womanly. Cheese alone is transsexual and unclean, but reclining atop tomato sauce it is permitted.

    Herman Cain's dietary laws: Creep Sharia.

    • I need more details. May I subscribe to your newsletter?

  • Antispandex

    Sissy pizzas. I guess it's OK. I mean it's not like they want to get married…yet. Wow, on second thought.

    • DaRooster

      Shared "Life Boxes"…

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Sausage jokes are really too easy at this point, aren't they?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Easy, just how he likes his wimmin.

    • Yes, but he keeps begging for them.

      • DaRooster

        Herman Cain don't wanna have to do no work…

  • Barrelhse

    A Kortney pizza, please.

    • DaRooster

      Lay her flat and cover her in sauce!!

      • Barrelhse


        -Jack the Ripper

  • MiniMencken

    I wonder how John Gotti would answer that question?

  • emmelemm

    Seriously (for just a minute), isn't this guy a cancer survivor? And might'nt such an experience make one just the teensiest bit more cautious in the way one eats and takes care of one's health?

    … Apparently not.

    • V572625694

      He claims he had Stage IV colon cancer. Not like your diet would have much to do with what happens to your colon.

      But seriously: Stage IV, metastasizing to other organs? And he's fine now? Something does not compute there.

      • emmelemm

        Dude, wait, what?

        OK, I am not a doctor, or even a particularly knowledgeable person, but wouldn't someone who had Stage IV colon cancer end up with a colostomy bag, one way or another?

        • V572625694

          Me either, but I don’t let that stop me. Stage IV means the tumor is slinging off malignant cells into the bloodstream that circulate everywhere and attach themselves to other organs and prosper there. When your croakers find the first tumor and can take it out, you’re “fine” (which in Cain’s case could well mean a c-bag after the politely named “re-section”) unless it’s started metastasizing and winds up in so many organs that there’s nothing left to do but move down the hall from oncology to the hospice. Wouldn’t wish this on anyone including Herman, and which is also why his claim to have had Stage IV seems bo-oh-oh-oh-gus.

          • So he's either a miracle or a liar? Hmmm.

          • DaRooster

            He's Repube… so he's a miracle!!

          • Crowe2011

            Having metastases in his liver would qualify him as having 'stage IV colon cancer' but it might nevertheless just be limited to those locations. His doctor would be facing serious malpractice charges unless he were telling the truth. You can probably just regard him as having recovered from stage II colon cancer which had freakishly metastasized to his liver. Stage IV is normally terminal because it can be assumed that if has metastasized to distant regions of the body it's in the blood stream and is basically going to metastasized everywhere and become practically untreatable.

      • I know. I noticed that too. As far as I know, Stage 4 = Terminal.

  • RadiosTyrone

    Meat or not, his pizza is still ketchup and glue on cardboard gruel.

  • Nostrildamus

    "The more manly man is not afraid of abundance" means he digs fat chicks.

    • DaRooster

      "That dude will just finda fold."

  • A guy who is plausibly accused of demanding sex in return for the promise of a job wants to tell me how to be "manly".

    Complete idiot.

  • iburl

    Herman Cain doesn't need the presidency. I think VH-1 should let him host the next season of "The Pickup Artist":

    In The Pickup Artist, eight misfits will live together, learn together and love together as they compete for the title of "Master Pick-Up Artist." Over the course of eight episodes, the men will learn the ins and outs of the Caintrain Method– "Using Pizza as a metaphor for Sex," "Plausibly deniable hand signals" and "You want a job, right?" among others. Aided by his faithful wingmen, Matador and J Dog, Caintrain will teach these average guys how to turn the women of their dreams into the women of their reality.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I'd order a Napoli for dinner just to spite him if I hadn't blown through my calories for the day.

    Still, the garlic sauce and tomato rounds… they beckon…

  • SmutBoffin

    Well, lotsa vegetable do tend to make for a soggy pie. Not even girlie-men like that!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Obama doesn't have the experience necessary to judge a man by his pizza.

  • Joshua Norton

    Anchovies and pineapple. Mmmmmmm!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    All those smelly, bloated Republican men just oozing manliness. And now we know their secret.

  • user-of-owls

    A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables!

    I would have thought Herman actually liked the Reagan Lover's Special.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      well done

    • anniegetyerfun

      Jelly beanz and medication!

  • Clungeflaps

    I used to go to the Godfather's in North Topeka when I was 12 because they had a NeoGeo with Sengoku and Samurai Showdown on it. Unfortunately the games were close to the toilets…….Cain totally looks like someone who would relish dropping a bomb after having a 6000 calorie meat lovers pizza buffet lunch right as I would be getting ready to bust out a Sempuuretsuzan.

    • datateday

      I think you stumbled upon Herman Cain's military plan…

  • Keep fucking that chicken pizza, Herm…

  • PhilippePetain

    "Ya see, real mean like to roll the meat around in their mouths for a while, and savor the musky scent."

    • OccupytheDashboard

      I think that just pushed me to the Kortney side.

  • On the one hand he says a loaded pizza is sissy, on the other, he says a manly man is not afraid of abundance.
    So it must boil down to the actual topping.
    Pepperoni and sausage are obvious, but what about onions?
    And cheeses.
    And crust.
    And sauce.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Have you seen what the chains are putting on pizza these days? Papajohn's had a contest where the top 3 submissions all included bacon in some form, and as I recall the "winner" was bacon 3 ways (standard, peppered and canadian) plus other meat and triple cheese. (probably with an alfredo sauce base) So yeah, you can put a ton of protein on a pie without ever spotting a veggie.

  • chascates

    President John Kennedy's picture was on the cover of CQ and the issue had an article about him. According to Richard Reeves book "President Kennedy: Profile of Power," published by Simon and Schuster, the Kennedys were very homophobic (Bobby called CQ a 'fag rag") and upset that the article and photo got media attention.

    Cain should have asked Solder of Fortune magazine to interview him to at least not paint him as an effete clothes horse.

    • These Rethug milquetoasts like to think that Wall Streeters and similar bidness folk are economic soldiers of fortune, but they would absolutely shit their pants if/when the lead starts flying.

  • anniegetyerfun

    What Herman means to say is that if you have a limp wrist, you can't be expected to pick up a slice with more than one, two toppings, if you count cheese as a topping. Because you need a strong, well-exercised wrist for that kind of thing.

  • flamingpdog

    "Godfather's is still a premium-quality product…"

    And I though Wonketeers were the masters of snark. Which one of you is really Herman Cain??

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Fuck godfathers…there's a House of Pizza 5 doors down from my place. They greet me by name, I joke and gossip with them, I fuckin' wave to their delivery guy and he waves back. I am never going to a chain pizza place again.

  • My Mom and me make pizza on Friday. It's not that hard to make and it's fun.

  • Neoyorquino

    The pizza bukkake photo with this article just makes any of his quotes all the more disturbing.

  • Wonderthing

    Let's see, a manly man would eat meat haw haw, eat meat, get it? Haw Haw. And lots of it, haw. No dickless mushrooms for the manly man, haw haw haw, or spindly peppers, green or red, haw haw. Put lots of manly meat on mine and make it manly, man. Haw haw.

  • Chichikovovich

    "The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is."

    I think he actually meant to say "manually". Which is how people who habitually eat pizzas like that have to satisfy their non-pizza related needs.

  • Beetagger

    I'd like my pizza water boarded with extra cheese, please.

  • I think if I were a woman I'd run far away if Cain! demanded I sample his stuffed crust pizza.

  • Does this mean Hermie is not likely to have vegan tatts?

  • Redhead

    I'm actually surprised Cain isn't more in favor of produce on pizzas. Like, say, melons. Lots of large melons.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Real Americans don't eat Godfather's Pizza.

  • JackObin

    I never knew the colords were so into pizza. I thought they mainly dug the ribs and chicken.

    • anniegetyerfun


  • But is Herm ready to take on a President who could happily chow down on a Spam pizza?

    • Generation[redacted]

      With seaweed!

  • OccupytheDashboard

    "Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance."

    What the fuck does this even mean? Working well and reaping the benefits…that's abundance. Having a portfolio of songs that you've written…that's abundance.

    Being a douchebag and eating more in one meal that an Ethiopian village will eat in a week and not even being able to finish it all so you throw it away 'cuz you can't be bothered with taking any home because only squares who are afraid of abundance do that shit is not abundance.

    • Steverino247

      When the Moon hits your eye
      Like a big pizza pie,
      That's abundance!

      • OccupytheDashboard

        When a fish bites your thigh
        and you bleed til you die…
        That's a moray.

        • bagofmice

          When an eel lunges out
          And it bites off your snout
          That's a moray.

          • OccupytheDashboard

            I know that this is just a website out of many, but I say this with the most sincere heart, ya'll (and many people in "meatspace" as well) keep me afloat.

  • DaRooster

    So… if I like my pepperoni inside of double Cheese pizza… the means I like big, luscious, milky boobs right… OK… Go Hermie… you da man!!

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, please, dear God Strike that man down with a heart attack.

  • spareme

    According to some polls, Hermie will be eating his own black walnuts on a slice of thin crust soon.

  • comrad_darkness

    Pizza in Naples, where it was invented, has one fucking topping, bitch.

    Yeah, we're more manly, because we like our food confused and fully of mushy flavors. Yeah, baby.

  • bagofmice

    That's not cheesy transcendence!

  • unclejeems

    Uh, and less manly men are already married–to Michele Bachmann? Or maybe they're like this

  • iburl

    Instead of "Yes We Can" the GOP should use the slogan "More, More, More".
    They can steal Billy Idol's song (let him sue a few years later).

    More Toppings, More Disease, More Fear, More Religion, Mormon, More Laws, More Prisons, More Guns, More Wars, More Oil, More Coal, Mo' Mo' Mo'

  • ttommyunger

    I ask you, which is more disturbing: the idiocy of the question, the banality of the answer or the temerity to actually report on both? We are so fucked.

  • Negropolis

    Stick this fucker in a deep dish and put his ass into the oven; he's done.

  • beavis420

    Does it even need to be said that it is obvious that less toppings = tougher than? Herman Cain, you are not Siddhartha. You are not the River Man.

  • DahBoner

    Then when you eat that pizza, your belly swells up real big.

    The ladies love that…

  • Troglodeity

    Is there anything Herman Cain knows, is, does, has been, has studied, or cares about that doesn't involve pizza?

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