Swag Industry Does Not Care For Obama’s War on Government Swag

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Just another socialist assault on the American Way of Life.Barack Obama’s latest hard-charging attack on federal waste is a presidential directive complete with triumphant press release officially ordering government agencies to cut back on the purchase of promotional products, aka “swag,” that will somehow save taxpayers millions of dollars they probably did not realize they were spending on Supreme Court-themed Magic 8-balls or ATF assault-rifle pendants or whatever for the couple of low-level federal employees who got to keep their jobs to hand out in the Visitors Centers. Hooray for less useless novelty items going straight to clog up America’s bloated landfills, right? NO, according to Big Swag trade industry people, who strongly object to this War on Crap, because it might give Americans the erroneous impression they are supposed to quit buying Crap all day long.

The Hill reports on this outrage:

“For the president to say that buying promotional products is a waste is extremely troubling and shows how little he knows about the industry,” Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing, said in a statement. “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

To be fair, Obama could have probably spared the ugly trinket industry this pain just by shutting down the $139-million-per-year gulag it runs in Cuba to make sure 171 filthy terrorist prisoners don’t so much as touch American soil, but, eh, priorities. [The Hill]

 
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{ 492 comments }

jdoleman November 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

A short-sighted and misguided policy. I had never paid my taxes until I got that IRS novelty cup holder

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

See, if you can't actually SEE, FEEL, etc., where your tax $$ go, why the hell would you pay 'em?

Callyson November 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Pizza Man will solve the see and feel problem.

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

"See Woman! Come here. Feel my swag."

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Where swag=tiny_shrunken_peener.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I'm not sure whether to be grateful or grossed out that I had already eaten lunch before reading this. I'll let you know what comes up.

horsedreamer_1 November 13, 2011 at 5:32 pm

My Army-Navy game commemorative football phone was a scam, though. Still havn't gotten it, & I ordered it in '93.

mookwrthwilson November 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

First they came for the crap peddlers, but I said nothing…

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 4:14 pm

This war on crap, it … it's gonna get messy.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 10:32 pm

…because I loved my General Services Administration keychain. I was also kind of partial to my Congressional Budget Office coasters and Federal Transit Administration bath towels. Also.

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 10:51 pm

I am hoping then next sentence is:

And then they came for the war profiteers.
But I said nothing.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 11, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Ha, ha, ha, ha…oooohh, ho, ho, heeee, he, he, he.

Uhhm, yeah… No.

Fare la Volpe November 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

…because there was a wet rag blocking my airways.

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

So now it's Swadg? Looks vaguely like something on the Ikea lunch menu.

nounverb911 November 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Swedish meatballs stuffed with Lutefisk?

EatsBabyDingos November 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Only if there is a side order of smoked oysters in ketchup.

Walkinwiddaking November 12, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Mmmmm..Lutefisk.

ShitFilledExistence November 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

No, Swadg is a chest of drawers. Also on the Ikea lunch menu.

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Ever try to put one of those things together?!!??"

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm

JW: Yep – and more often than not it seems to be missing one tiny piece. Several years ago I purchased a dresser for our daughter. We waited a few months to put it together because she wanted to paint her room.

By the time we did we had two left-hand side parts – and no right.

I had to go back to Ikea, buy another one of the damn things, bring it home, extract the one part I needed, switch it with the extra one I had, drive back to Ikea and get my money back.

Never again!

V572625694 November 11, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Ah, you probably didn't anal-retentively lay out all the incomprehensible little gubbins and check what you got against the pictographic parts list. Serves you right!

Nostrildamus November 12, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Nice IKEA project for next weekend:
http://ianoneill.posterous.com/ikeas-large-hadron

Dashboard_Jesus November 13, 2011 at 12:09 am

excellent I been wantin' one o' them hadron colliders for the holidays!

jus_wonderin November 13, 2011 at 2:47 am

Oh my, LOL.

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 5:17 pm

It's a frothy mix of lingonberries and fecal matter.

nounverb911 November 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

So how much is my Obama "Birth Certificate" coffee mug worth now?

chicken_thief November 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Forged short form or forged long form?

nounverb911 November 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Long form, I got mine by donating $15 to his campaign.
Obama Mug.

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Nothing more than loose change.

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I dunno, how much do you hope it's worth?

Goonemeritus November 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

One mans crap is another mans high margin product portfolio totally comprised of crap.

GOPCrusher November 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

This, needs to be a bumper sticker.

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I'LL BUY ONE! I'LL BUY ONE!!

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

And some of that crap is cluster bombs.

CliveWarren November 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Matt Bertram is Worlds Greatest President… Or so his coffee mug claims.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:34 pm

At least he's "World's Greatest Dad", so he's got that goin' for him.

OzoneTom November 11, 2011 at 3:53 pm

What will he use to sign all of the bills that Congress sends him?

JustPixelz November 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm

The Tea Party™ recommends genuine partridge quills so today's legislation has a proper 18th century aura.

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Or one of the 2000 quail quill pens Darth Cheney left behind.

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2011 at 3:53 pm

It's all just shake and seeds anyway.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Stop letting the birds play with it, dood.

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Heh. O-bammer.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 11, 2011 at 3:53 pm

“For the president to say that buying promotional products is a waste is extremely troubling and shows how little he knows about the industry,” Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing, said in a statement. “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

Hang on a minute – that's OUR FUCKING MONEY. That makes it a government handout to businesses; a bailout, if you will. Strikes me that Matty-boy might have a meltdown if you put it in those terms.

In fact, someone should photograph him suffering from irreconcilable cognitive dissonance and put it on a mug to be given out at tea party events. Hurrah for capitalism!

fartknocker November 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

You can actually order those from their website:
http://fieldsmfg.com/

I always wondered where this crap came from. Thanks to Wonkette, I now know where I can purchase 500 flip flops with my logo on it for <$2 each.

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Can you order a box of predator drone dildoes with your log on it? I'm too lazy drunk to look.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I'll take one!

Dashboard_Jesus November 13, 2011 at 12:16 am

you can be sure that brave 'Merkan crap seller Matt Bertam buys ALL his crap from the COMMUNIST Chinese (made with slave labor for your enjoyment, and CAPITALISM…FREE MARKETS SLAVES!)

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm

The Cons do the same thing with the military, arguing that any cuts to the military mean a loss of jobs. And then argue two seconds later that "the government can't create jobs."

DoktorThompson November 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm

At least with the swag we got something in return for our money.

Dashboard_Jesus November 13, 2011 at 12:18 am

there's that 'irreconcilable cognitive dissonance' again for ya (I am SOOO gonna be using that phrase in EVERY reply to wingnut assholes on Yahoo! this coming year!)

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Why should the fucking government have to advertise in the first place. The whole concept is ridiculous. But all systems with a corporate structure buy this crap.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 8:19 am

Wait'll they find out the repubs just cut a few more trillion from the U.S. budget. They're gonna poop.

Dashboard_Jesus November 13, 2011 at 12:14 am

ha! I've been using 'cognitive dissonance' in most of my *replies* to ignorant Yahoo! news assholes/ Repugnants…adding 'irreconcilable' to it will REALLY blow thier feeble minds (they don't seem to know hot to use the Google to look up words they don't understand/ can't pronounce)

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Jewish people call it, "Chachi"

nounverb911 November 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

טשאַטשקע means "useless crap" in Yiddish.

Dashboard_Jesus November 13, 2011 at 12:19 am

that is so cool, how do you DO that!

SorosBot November 11, 2011 at 4:00 pm

And here I thought Chachi and the Fonz were Italian.

ShitFilledExistence November 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Fonz means useless crap in Yiddish?

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I was told Chachi means dick in korean. (Now think of the spin off show……)

Funny thing is Joni loves Chachi was HUGE in Korea.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Ask Owls, he would know.

PuglyDoRight November 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm

You mean tchotchke.

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm

SB:

Are you sure Chachi isn't one of those fancy Starbuck$ drinks?

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I thought it was that discount Italian design house that basically does cheap knockoffs of the Versace line.

jqheywood November 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

And Joni loves it…

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Joni loves crotchy!

Crank_Tango November 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I believe in swordfish!

ShitFilledExistence November 11, 2011 at 10:00 pm

He believes in swordfish.

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I was writing to correct you (being a wordy former gentile), but then I remembered this is Wonkette. Carry on.

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Yeah, I'm being dumb.

finallyhappy November 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

tchochke- as if Yiddish has a correct English spelling.

ShitFilledExistence November 11, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I thought it was tchotchke. (the extra 't' is for "There's no correct English spelling..) But I think the reference was to Bachmann's ridiculous pronunciation of 'chutzpah'.

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I Haz picture of real eagle. I taked it not too long ago.
It's Friday and this comment is buried so what the heck huh?
Look how big his finger nails are@! http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/6280407

Geminisunmars November 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

You are so talonted.

emmelemm November 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Very cool! I can just imagine him tapping that magnificent toenail, impatiently…

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Stephen Colbert has tearz in his eyes.

DemmeFatale November 11, 2011 at 8:18 pm

What a great shot of a magnificent bird!

(Way better than a Wild Turkey, Ben!)

BigDumbRedDog November 11, 2011 at 10:35 pm

My vet gets mad when I let my dogs get that long.

ShitFilledExistence November 12, 2011 at 12:33 am

Stunning! Incredible pic. Strangely enough, it looks hungry for some Cardinals..

starfanglednut November 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Hoe come he'd not crying?

Nothingisamiss November 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Nicely done! Where was this, pray tell?

snackypants November 11, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Needz moar chootzpaw.

mrblifil November 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

No more Jerry Sandusky Commemorative Dildoes?

jqheywood November 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I'd say "too soon", but this IS the Wonkette…

MaxNeanderthal November 11, 2011 at 4:50 pm

No child's behind left… er, sorry, that should read "no child left behind" (in the locker room with Jerry).

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 6:07 pm

This may explain why no enterprising person had the daring to create the Priestly Raiment™ line of seductive bedroom clothing.

forgracie November 11, 2011 at 3:55 pm

They'll take my useless crap made in China from my cold dead hands!

ShitFilledExistence November 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I thought all that stuff was made in Taiwan.

GOPCrusher November 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

This is not the job creation you are looking for.

CarnyTrash November 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Needs moar Turd Birds.

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

That's now my new screen saver at work!!!!!!!!!

Nostrildamus November 12, 2011 at 7:02 pm

That Creation Museum is a crack-up.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I daresay Noah must have had more than two of those.

edgydrifter November 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Well, we certainly wouldn't want to give the impression that worthless trinkets are worthless. Christmas is practically right around the corner! Won't anyone please think of the children?!?
EDIT: Didn't see the story tag. KBJ, you friggin' rock.

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Not-swag is THEFT!!!!!!!!

orygoon November 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

The Russkis had their gulag, sure, and now we have the Cuber thingie. But ALL my life America has been one big swalag.

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Obama, you will pry my circa 1994 EPA Energy Star paper weight out of my cold dead hands! Next thing you know the socialist ursurper will be coming after the Weeping Eagle Industry!

Pragmatist2 November 11, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Is "Swag" Jimmy Swaggart's nom de whore?

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Fields Manufacturing: Bringing you moutians of plastic crap that annoying people give you at trade shows which you throw away even before you go to the airport to fly home for 25 years.

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:01 pm

"you go to the airport to fly home for 25 years"

Where do you live, Mars?

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 8:24 am

Now that's a commute.

EatsBabyDingos November 11, 2011 at 4:00 pm

They will have to pry my Lindsey Graham Commemorative Princess Sparkle Pony from my cold, dead hands.

jqheywood November 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm

OMG!! PONIES!!

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm

WAR PONIES!!!

Well, it is Veterinarian's Day, isn't it?

HedonismBot November 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Now that was just silly. But pretty! And sparkly…

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Stands to reason. They had to pry it from *his* hands.

edgydrifter November 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

My Parents Went to D.C. and All I Got Was Nothing Because Obama Hates Real America

JustPixelz November 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I bought a salt and pepper shaker set from the Park Service gift shop. They're shaped like the Capitol and Washington Monument. Now future generations will not know that the Capitol is where salt comes from and that pepper is what comes out of phallic shapes.

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I have toenail clippers from Las Vegas, Hawaii, Washington DC, Disneyland, Tucson, and NYC x 2 (Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building.)

And I fully intend to collect more.

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Those must look really spiffy on the display shelf next to your collection of souvenir snow globes.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 8:25 am

Tucson snow globes?

spareme November 12, 2011 at 9:50 am

Does this mean I can't steal all those cute free bottles of crap from my yhotel rooms anymore neither? Wait… and towels?

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Hotel towels these days just don't even seem worth stealing these days, they're so crappy. At least at the crappy hotels I stay at anyways.

OneYieldRegular November 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Quick, where can I buy that on a t-shirt or plastic sippy cup?

finallyhappy November 11, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Well, I have never seen it at any of the many souvenir vans on Constitution Avenue or the 4 shops near Fords Theater- so I think we have a marketing opportunity here!

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

The Assault Rifle Pendant is what devotees of John F. Kennedy wore around Jackie, in memorial… just like Christians wear crosses.

I miss Bill Hicks so much.

MaxNeanderthal November 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm

The fact that the christopaths like to wear an image of one of the most revolting instruments of torture ever devised by mancruel tells you most all of what you need to know of religion…..

Nostrildamus November 12, 2011 at 7:04 pm

It's pretty convenient for people forever whining about how victimized they are.

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Its weird the only place I saw him perform when he was alive was on the old "Dennis Miller Show" in 1992. Weird because of how Miller lost his mind since then.

Generation[redacted] November 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

The wrong comedian got pancreatic cancer.

SorosBot November 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

What are the swag producers supposed to do, manufacture products people might actually want to buy instead of stupid crap they'll only get as gifts?

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Are you suggesting that you don't have a use for yet another canvas tote with a corporate logo on it?

Bezoar November 12, 2011 at 9:18 am

I use my canvas corporate logod tote to carry all my canvas corporate logo'ed totes. (How the fuck do you spell 'logo'd' anyway?)

EatsBabyDingos November 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Romney promises no free fudge, but you may feel a little discomfort.

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Can the same thing be said about public radio pledge month? No, I really don't want the goddamn tote bag or the umbrella.

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 4:49 pm

This year I got the "Six Inch Solar Powered Waving Queen". It is really cool. Popped it on the window sill and she just waves and waves and waves that stately Royal greeting. Thing is, it probably wouldn't work in the UK.

You wouldn't want a Nina Totenbag?

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I just want her in my house, to read to me, night after night.

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:06 pm

"This year I got the "Six Inch Solar Powered Waving Queen". It is really cool. Popped it on the window sill and she just waves and waves and waves that stately Royal greeting."

And somewhere, Limey Lizzie is jealous.

ShaveTheWhales November 11, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Yeah, cause she'd like to use it for target practice.

starfanglednut November 12, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Aww.. my mom had one of those. She absolutely adored it.

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

So the "Swag" industry is getting "beat". How delicious….

ifthethunderdontgetya November 11, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing

Sounds like the Not-Romney our Gross Old Pervert party has been looking for.

Matt, our lonely nation (of psychopaths) turns its eyes to you...
~

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm

The 1%'s Joe the Plumber.

Not_So_Much November 11, 2011 at 4:06 pm

So, we're at war with China now?

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I heard their melamine mugs are contaminated with cat food.

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Wasn't Alf from the planet, Melmac?

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I'm frantically explaining the connection on blackboards right now, but I only have 12 to work with until the truck arrives with the other 50.

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I think the equation requires Pi, or is that pie? I always forget.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 10:46 pm

WIN(ing!)

Fare la Volpe November 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm

We have always been at war with East Asia China.

Sue4466 November 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I've got a cabinet full of craptastic logo mugs that beg to differ with Matt Bertram.

Clancy_Pants November 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

You can take my government swag when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers… and if he outlaws government swag only outlaws will have swag. Also.

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

When they kick at your front door,
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on your shitty little swag?

Me, I'll be waiting on my porch clinging to my ATF swag.

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Ah, "Swag of Brixton". Might be my favorite song on that whole album, and there are lots of greats to choose from.

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm

There's no need to jump from windows filled with indecision over any single favorite there, since it's so easy to get all lost in the supermarket of greats.

Sue4466 November 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Now seriously, when do I get my official Wonketter t-shirt and mug?

IncenseDebate November 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

You know who else defended crap against a president's directive.

nounverb911 November 11, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Eddie Willers?

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Lee Harvey Oswald?

GOPCrusher November 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Ron Popeil?

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Henry Kissinger?

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Southern Dixiecrats?

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Win.

horsedreamer_1 November 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Mayor John Norquist during the cryptosporidium outbreak of '94?

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Douglas MacArthur?

OneDollarJuana November 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Look, all Obamer has to do is just forbid purchasing of swag from anywhere but the U.S. It'll be Good for American Business in speeches, but actually will cut swag purchases by approximately 100%.

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Bernie Sanders is working on that, seriously.

DarwinianDemon November 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

It's worth the headache to see GOP doofuses demand free computers for government agencies because Obama is agin' it. Can't Obama just start an anti-eating arsenic campaign and let nature take its course?

GeorgiaBurning November 11, 2011 at 5:33 pm

In the same vein, Obama should propose a federal law against playing Russian Roulette.

Geminisunmars November 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

This just in: "Obama forbids walking into train tunnels."

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:08 pm

COYOTE LIBEL!!!

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Hmmm……that just might work. Worth a try anyway.

OneDollarJuana November 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

On a side note: How come the Bald Eagle is always so mad he's crying? That's the thanks we get for banning DDT and suffering all those extra mosquito bites. I say, bring back the pesticides and make the out-of-doors liveable again!

prommie November 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Thats schwag, not diggedy-dank at all.

OccupyFnChicken November 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

The Christmas Tree is for ME ME ME

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 4:11 pm

OT
From Idiot Box , Stage Right:

In general, do you think things in the United States are moving in the right direction or are they moving in the wrong direction?

IncenseDebate November 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Plate tectonics does not make value judgments.

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:54 pm

But it does make snap judgments.

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Depends where they are fracking that day.

JustPixelz November 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

This must be one of those examples of how the media doesn't report accurately on how the economy works. Otherwise I would understand why Obama saving a few bucks by cutting back on trinkets hurts small business. But Repubican plans to cut 10% from the federal budget is is good for the economy. 'Splain it to me, Newt.

.

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Newt only understands how his economy works.

Native_of_SL_UT November 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

How else are they going to be able to afford $15 muffins.

Guppy November 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Our government needs more promotional items, because nobody's heard of the federal government!

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Brand Awareness!

"Where do YOU choose to be born?!!"

littlebigdaddy November 11, 2011 at 4:19 pm

How does this affect TSA novelty vibrators with "get your freak on girl" printed on them? http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/buzzy

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I'd fuck her.

littlebigdaddy November 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Tell me who you wouldn't fuck Bacon!

GOPCrusher November 11, 2011 at 5:33 pm

She got pissed off because she got a free vibrator? WTF?

weejee November 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

We've lost our swag-grrrrr.

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 8:48 pm

grrrrr

Callyson November 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I don't know what the industry is so upset about. Just start a new line of Kortney swag, with various vegetables, and they'll be fine.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Could you make that one arm go back and forth? That'd be a hoot!

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

OT.

I don't know about you guys but the previous post about getting faster broadband….I didn't get it? What's the snark?

littlebigdaddy November 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm

faster broadband=more efficient porn delivery system

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Thank you. I wanted to make a similar snark earlier today, but I came up with nothing.

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Every time you snark on one of the sponsors, Ken's children cry.

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 1:46 am

No comments are allowed on Capitalism.

Indiepalin November 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

The tenth amendment places the responsiblity for the manufacture of useless swag squarely on the states.

SheriffRoscoe November 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Conservatives such as Rush Limbaugh have repeatedly stated that the government has never, ever, once created a single private sector job. I never imagined it would be the bauble lobby who would refute that claim so effectively.

Ruhe November 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Bauble Lobby. It's little moments of brilliance like that that really make the whole slogging-through-the-comments-at-wonkette experience worth while.

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Remember when we used to have a commenter here named "Bob Lob Law Blog?" And sometimes his comments approached the cleverness of his name.

MightySix November 11, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I believe he appropriated that moniker from "Arrested Development."

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Though long before that, (1960s at least, probably earlier) there was a joke in Canada, referring to the ubiquitous supermarket chain Loblaws, that it's founder was Bob Loblaw. I imagine there have been a lot of independent roads to this one, sort of like Leibniz and Newton (not that one – the scientist) with the calculus or a whole bunch of guys with conservation of energy. When an idea's time has come, there's no holding it back.

jjdaddyo November 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Can we start calling Guantanamo the "Culag" now?

GregComlish November 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Nobody naw give you no swag
Obama naw give you no swag
Not a mid-level NOAA bureaucrat mona naw give you no swag
Not even Kathleen Sebelius naw give you no swag

Mumbletypeg November 11, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I'm with Bertram, dude. This is not austerity I can believe in . My new line of patriotic snuggies (TeaCozies™ – "for the TeaParty pioneer your prayers alone aren't keeping warm enough at night") was just about to hit the market with official endorsement and promo contract bid from Red Hat Society..

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:16 pm

"Red Hat Society"

When I am an old woman, I will Do It with hot, brainy, younger men.
I already got enough purple clothes to open a damn store.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm

A laudable aim! I've always been a sucker for brainy older women.

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 10:50 pm

When I am an old woman, I will Do It with hot, brainy, younger men.

Meantime, while you're younger, you could do it with hot, brainy, older men.

(I'm 51 this Sunday.)

Mumbletypeg November 11, 2011 at 11:54 pm

"when I am an old woman"

When I am an old woman, I shall talk like Ruth Gordon.

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 1:52 am

Tea Party Forever Lazy®

DahBoner November 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Sad but true fact: Young, hot, brainy men don't have to go out with older women unless they are short, fat, bald, unemployed losers…

…in which case, they wouldn't be considered "hot", even by old, wrinkled women.

TIME IS ON MY SIDE, YES IT IS…

OccupyFnChicken November 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I call it the "Red Hate Society", because those old biddies are some pushy bitches.

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 4:26 pm

“This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

Small business, eh? Fields Industries seems to have a pretty active takeover life for one of those. Quick Google search reveals among other things that just last month they took over another such novelty-cup-and-pen producing concern, by the name of Target Industries, several states down the road.

I guess we're dealing with another one of those Republican definitions: "small business" = "any business that is no larger than Toyota".

McRibzgood November 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Business larger than Toyota are "job creators".

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Ah, good you told me. I was caught in a fundamental conceptual mistake. I thought that sooper-rich people are "job creators", but I didn't know about mega-corporations.

But of course, corporations are people too….

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Yeah, just like "family farm" = "the ConAgra family of pig anus extraction and chicken beak removal facilities"

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I wonder how may employees at Target Industries got pink slips from "job creator" Bertram, as he created synergy by eliminating redundancies and implementing efficiencies of scale. You know, like Mitt Romney did when he was a regular middle-class small business entrepreneur/investment capital manager.

That level of hypocrisy has "Republican" written all over it.

HedonismBot November 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

What about businesses that can operate inside a Toyota? Like taco trucks? Or back-alley hookers?

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Too small to fail.

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I'll bet there's been more good ideas here in the last 45 min. than their whole marketing dept. in the last decade.

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 4:32 pm

So NOW government spending helps the economy again? How convenient.

OneYieldRegular November 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

"Mr. Bertram, what percentage of your 'swag' is manufactured in the United States?…Mr. Bertram?"

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2011 at 4:38 pm

What's crazy about this (as anyone who deals with the Federal Government or Military knows) – it is FLAT OUT ILLEGAL to give government customers, visitors, etc anything – even a ruler or a coffee mug. I hosted a meeting with the Navy once, and at the end of the day an Admiral came up to me and asked for the cost of the coffee, donuts and lunch for his people – and then wrote a personal check to me (which I assume was reimbused)

So why the hell are THEY giving this shit out.

jqheywood November 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Don't assume it was. My wife works for the Dept. of Veterans Affairs, and they have to pay for everything. Water cooler, holiday party, etc.

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Yikes!! The joke of it all was that we had (then) Bell Labs people there too, and they were like "where the hell is our SWAG????"

MOG2410 November 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

sounds like the trade association I work for, can't wait for the pay as you go holiday "party".

jus_wonderin November 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

You should have charged him like a contractor that just installed toliet seats.

finallyhappy November 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I was told I could accept a cup of coffee when on travel at a meeting- but not the cup. Considering the quality of coffee I have been offered- I usually bring my own back from lunch

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Sadly (snark off), as a gubmint employee (but a serf of Guvnuh Dickinpooper of Colorado, not Prezidint Barry), a lot of this shwag goes to gubmint employees in place of things we used to get every year, like pay raises and benefit increases, even the very occasional monetary bonus. We get this crap at "morale-boosting" meetings on "employee-appreciation" days and are supposed to be grateful that the overlords "appreciate" us.

Out of beer, brb!

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I understand – hey, I wouldn't have a cup to piss in (or drink coffee from) if is wasn't for my 20 year collection of coffee mugs!

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:20 pm

"a lot of this shwag goes to gubmint employees in place of things we used to get every year, like pay raises and benefit increases, even the very occasional monetary bonus. We get this crap at "morale-boosting" meetings on "employee-appreciation" days and are supposed to be grateful"

Huh. We got a quarter-pound plastic container of pasta salad.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 12:08 am

Typical overpaid government worker with your fancy elitist PASTA salad. Real Americans with Private Sector Jobs are eating day-old McRibs or bologna and jerky sandwiches or reconstituted hotdogs with unfancy mustard at their company picnics while you're eating PASTA salad.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:30 am

Oh, look at Mr. "Private Sector Job" whining about his "reconstituted" hotdogs while we're over here scraping by on hotdogs that were never even constituted in the first place!

#Bindlestiffs

sati_demise November 11, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Funny, corporations are doing that too these days!

Polythene_Pam November 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I can't tell you how joyous I was to be given a little statuette in honor of my 20th year at our company. Having gone without a raise for the past 10 years, it was great to have the knick-knack to stick in the pocket of my youngest to keep her from blowing away when a big wind comes along.

HedonismBot November 12, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Sounds like my last job, from which I was fired/quit (it's complicated and ugly.) I have a really nice coat with the corporate logo on it, but I feel wrong about wearing it.

DoktorThompson November 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Is it a Penn State jacket, by chance?

HedonismBot November 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm

No, but I see what you did there!

Mrspanky November 11, 2011 at 9:06 pm

It's much more effective to offer the designated bribee a job for her kid and the bribee a double-dip executive job after government service. See Darleen D. ex-Boeing love interest.

Swag is for wimps!

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Why does America's novelty industry HATE AMERICA???

An_Outhouse November 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

All that quality swag is being manufactured in the U.S., right?

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Swag are people, too, my friend?

NYNYNYjr November 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Supreme Court rules Swag, Soylent Green is People. People!!

MaxNeanderthal November 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm

A falconer acquaintance of mine says all the fish eagles (of which the bald eagle is one) have a nasty habit of cracking you one round the ear when you least expect it, with their wing joint. Sound like anyone you know…?

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I dunno, is it their right wing?

MaxNeanderthal November 12, 2011 at 7:33 am

Actually, you're spot on, it IS always their right wing (hawks always sit on the falconer's left hand).

poncho_pilot November 11, 2011 at 5:09 pm

what does this mean for my Impeachment Series Pre-Stained Blue Dress? i mean, i know they used an auto-ejaculator machine–i don't think Bill Clinton could stain a limited edition of 2,000 dresses in a month–but i was told it would go up in value. but now it's crap? harsh realm, man.

widestanceshakedown November 11, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Oh, poncho, what you got was probably just a lot of punk staffer spunk. Mark it up and get it up on ebay as soon as possible.

HarryButtle November 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

2000 / 30 = 66.67 money shots per day. Not even that rascal Bill is man enough for that…JIZZ LIBEL!

flamingpdog November 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I guess technology keeps on moving forward. Never heard of the auto-ejaculator machine, but I sure remember the auto-suck vagina.

Not that I ever owned one myself, no, no, no.

poncho_pilot November 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm

i've heard tell of this device being marketed at truckers. seems a little dangerous. you'd probably get a better result jamming your dick straight into the cigarette lighter.

poncho_pilot November 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

auto-ejaculator machine looks a little like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX1C7NkLALU

El Pinche November 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm

No swag: President hates capitalism and freedom! Impeach!

Swag: President is a goddamn nigra socialist ..spend, spend, spend. Impeach!

Barry, realize this.

GOPCrusher November 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Tea Baggers showing up at a Town Hall, toting guns and screaming SOCIALISM=free speech

OWS protesters showing up at a Michele Bachmann speech=goddamn liberals trying to stop dissenting opinion

rocktonsam November 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I have to have one of them I"m with stupid " golf shirts!!!!!

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Ya lost me . Which is easy to do.
But I haven't even had one yet.

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Sorry. Tried to get too clever. I was going to write "And we haven't even started drinking yet." (I don't drink alcohol at all, so it was just fer funnin') Then it occurred to me that to judge by the postings of some commenters, in fact many of them may well have started. So I thought, well, if the original line won't work, maybe try some hyperbole? Hence "And many of us haven't even finished the fourth drink yet." But that didn't quite click, so then I figured a tweak – replace "drink" with something specific. Had to be something that both men and women (drawing on stereotypes) could pick. I figured "marguerita" did the job best.

You probably didn't want that much detail, right? Probably shouldn't have used assembly language.

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Now I had to look up 'assembly language'.
Don't matter. Carry on!

bagofmice November 11, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Pushing and popping on a Friday night.

MOG2410 November 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Please board that for the slower members of the group – me.

weejee November 11, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Will KBJ or Ken or WonkJr be passing out Wonkette swag at live blogging of tomorrow's Palmetto State Repube Debase? Will someone throw drowning Perry a cinder block that he for sure will grab thinking it's a life-preserver?

Geminisunmars November 11, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I think Letterman already did that.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Mitt did that, when he tossed Ricky that "EPA" brick at the debate.

HedonismBot November 12, 2011 at 3:42 pm

That would be fitting if that cinder block bore the Department of Energy logo.

richmx2 November 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Having endured summer camp, I never understood what a "jolly swagman" was, but now I know what an unjolly one is.

littlebigdaddy November 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Oh, he's that colorful figure out of Australian folklore who comes around to all the sheep stations and gives the ladies what they want. That's why he's jolly.

Chichikovovich November 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

You know – it's a guy who sits by a billabong with a jolly jumpbuck in his tuckerbag.

Nostrildamus November 12, 2011 at 7:19 pm

There were birds in the hills
But I never heard them singing
No I never heard them at all
Till there was ewe.

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

"Having endured summer camp, I never understood what a "jolly swagman" was"

Oh! I remember this song! My mother plays piano, and when we were little tots, we would sing it. If I remember the explanation in the music book, a "swagman" was a guy who wandered around the country, like a migrant worker. A "billabong", that he was camped beside, is a river bed. A "jumbuck" is a lamb. That used to be one of my favorite pages in the book, because of the picture of the lamb.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2011 at 12:30 am

Once, while visiting Australia, I was asked to play guitar while everyone on the veranda (drunkish and maudlin) sang "Waltzing Matilda."

After it was over, I broke the thoughtful, wistful silence by saying, "OK. I don't get it. It's a song about a wandering bum who gets caught stealing a sheep so he drowns himself. And this is your national song?"

But I made up for it by drinking them all under the table that night, so they decided I was a 'right cobber after all.

Mike Licht November 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

They can have my Bureau of Land Management paperweight when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Blueb4sunrise November 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Are you sure that's a paperweight?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2011 at 9:35 pm

It used to be an ore sample, but that was before they glued on the BLM logo.

cheetojeebus November 11, 2011 at 6:47 pm

These geegaw folks sound fun, Do they have those pens that have a little lady inside and when you tilt it a certain way her clothes fall off? That was my first response, my second is to stare forlornly into a buttonhole on my shirt, waiting for it all to end.

donner_froh November 11, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Matt Bertram of Fields Manufacturing sells crap that is so shoddy and cheap that the Chinese outsource it to Vietnam.

DahBoner November 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Back in the day, "SWAG" meant Stupid Wild Ass Guess

bagofmice November 11, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Stuff We All Get.

shiningmathpath November 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm

more formally known as a "Rectal Estimate"

chascates November 11, 2011 at 8:27 pm

And speaking of war . . .
Mitt Romney: Maybe Veterans' Health Care Should Be Privatized
Romney, who has already proposed privatizing Medicare, suggested that maybe giving wounded warriors an outside option would force VA health bureaucrats to be a little more responsive.

"When you work in the private sector and you have a competitor, you know if I don't treat this customer right, they're going to leave me and go somewhere else, so I'd better treat them right," Romney said. "Whereas if you're the government, they know there's nowhere else you guys can go. You're stuck.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 11, 2011 at 10:59 pm

What stops vets getting private care? Nothing. Well, nothing apart from their preexisting conditions like missing limbs or traumatic brain injury. That and the prohibitive cost.

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Fuck, I thought Mittens actually wanted to win this thing.

He'll lose because of these ridiculous conservative positions he's taking on entitlement programs and then the wingnut chorus (not to be confused with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir) will claim it was because he wasn't conservative enough.

Chichikovovich November 12, 2011 at 8:59 am

I can't believe this post went 9 hours without someone replying "But it is the Moron Tabernacle Choir". I know it's the weekend, and it was overnight, but still, we gotta pick up our game. (Australian and Asian Wonketeers – you were on watch! What happened?)

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 1:55 am

Give 'em War Coupons.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 1:58 am

Yes, because entire private industries never treat their customers like total shit. /rolleyes That's why it's so fun flying on a plane or buying insurance or dealing with the mortgage companies or dealing with banks…Mitt, you are really testing my very last nerve. You're supposed to be sane one, and all we get is recycled, boilplate, bullshit, conservative talking points.

What a narrow, mean-spirited, unserious, and morally decayed party you belong to. This idea that in the type of capitalist system we run here in 'Merika that competition necessitates better service is a fucking lie and everyone knows it.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Mitt's money insulates him from capitalism's darker side, like it was Owens Corning for reality.

shiningmathpath November 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Romney is all insulation

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm

He's really trying asbetos he can.

Jerri November 11, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Goddamn it. Now I'll never get my Department of Agriculture branded pedometer.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:18 am

Too soon!

Oh, wait. Sorry. I thought you said your University of Pennsylvania branded pedometer.

Chichikovovich November 12, 2011 at 8:56 am

Moderator/delete person: Get ready for thousands of University of Pennsylvania fans posting Penn State!!!!!!!!!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I'm betting that this particular bit of Government-labeled swag is going to be exempted.

You know … priorities.

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

That's a nice piece of swag there. How many souls if I may ask?

weejee November 12, 2011 at 11:24 am

Well one way to dramatically reduce recruitment costs is universal conscription for two years at age 18 with no deferments. Also help with the unemployment in that age group.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

Oooh – a job creatin' program! Let's see if we can come up with the GOP version:

(1) This is a gubmint giveaway, therefore
(2) you don't want to give this benefit to people who don't need it, therefore
(3) it's only fair that you have to be poor to qualify for mandatory conscription.

You could probably, actually, sell this idea to the GOP.

HistoriCat November 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I thought this whole Bielzebub thing was an act but damn … that is pure evil!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

{Takes bow, with sweep of fuligin cape}

MOG2410 November 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

1969 all over again.

AlterNewt November 11, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I thought it was the past tense of 'swig'.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 10:06 pm

OT: So, I decide to turn to the communist PBS's NewsHour program for the first time in forever, tonight. And what do I see? A story on OWS in the vein of "what did you do to make your husband hit you?" Every crime that has happened near these camps, or the one-offs inside the camp were painted as OWS spinning out of control into violence. This was on PBS, no less. One of the examples they used is what happened in Berkley the other day. It blew my mind. Apparently, being brutalized without provocation by the police is your fault. Apparently, some gang-related shooting in Oakland near the OWS camp is your fault.

When you hear about the "liberal media", just shut the conversation down, right there. It's not even worth to go any further.

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Occupy Portland is supposed to evacuate this weekend. apparently, someone found a cinderblock, and concluded from that, that the occupants are "stockpiling" cinderblocks to use as weapons.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Occupy Detroit is also getting pushed out, next week, and the Occupiers down in the park are trying to spin it as "well, we were going to find an indoor location by the start of winter, anyway." The usual arguments were used to get them out: sanitation and such. Apparently, they didn't mind the homeless people — love em to death, but — that used to shit in the park fountains before the occupiers moved in, but the occupiers cleaning up the park every morning are the problem. Yeah.

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 1:58 am

Humans being humans, ZOMG. It's not like the Goldman Sucs is perfect or anything.

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Screw PBS, we don't need their stinkin' totes. We are in the next-they-fight-you stage, so I'm not surprised at all.

Nostrildamus November 12, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Pledge drives > The Holocaust

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:12 pm

How does this affect the manufacture of knick-knacks, gimcracks, bric-a-brac, frou-frou, whatchamacallits, odds'n'ends, notions, and gewgaws?

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:21 am

Well, if today's earnings report from Consolidated Doo-dads & Whazzits is any indication, it doesn't bode well.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 11:37 am

Lagniappe futures were down 20% at the open on the Shanghai market.

PuckStopsHere November 12, 2011 at 9:17 am

How about "thingys"? As in, "You know, that thingy over there."

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 9:35 am

"Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down."

-George Carlin

DemmeFatale November 12, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Too bad he's gone! Ol' George would've LOVED this shit!

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 10:38 pm

OT, Again: Coach Izzo, I'm all for a challenging early schedule, but you don't throw your baby in th deep end to teach him or her how to swim. Or, to put it another way, you don't throw your freshman-ladden Spartans unto a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier in the Pacific in front of the fucking president of the United States against UNC. Sweet Jeebus, Tom, I love you but damn.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2011 at 12:49 am

Hey, you only lost by 12, that was a respectable showing.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 12:51 am

It kind of gets grating, though, after you lose to them the eleveteenth billion time. First game, championship game; it doesn't seem to matter. And, off we are to lose to Duke at Madison Square-fuckin-Garden! **sigh** Both of them have our number, UNC even more so than Duke.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2011 at 12:56 am

If it makes you feel any better, check out the score on (nationally ranked) UCLA vs. Loyola-Marymount. Yikes. Not a good night to be a Bruin.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 1:04 am

It kind of gets grating, though, after you lose to them the eleveteenth billion time.

I take it you're not a Cubs fan?

comrad_darkness November 12, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Look at it this way, after this every game the rest of the season will be a cool cakewalk.

PuckStopsHere November 12, 2011 at 9:22 am

Well, the kids got to meet the president and hang out on the carrier so there was that. UNC is the price you gotta pay. You are not going to get the big stage like that if you insist upon playing Ferris Fucking State as "The School Who Shall Not Be Named" did last night.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Sure, but then why not pair up UNC against Duke, then? I love my Spartans, but what the hell were they doing there if this was supposed to be a showcase for top-class talent?

horsedreamer_1 November 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm

In honor of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Steve Mariucci's special friend visited Navy personnel as part of an outreach by Lamba?

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Fields Manufacturing, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch thanks you for your continued contributions.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:13 am

“The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the promotional lanyard.”
― Karl Marx Bertram

Fukui_sanYesOta November 12, 2011 at 12:35 am

"Once the means of production are owned by the proletariat it probably means I won't get my sweet, sweet government coin"
- Matt Trotsky, President, Fields Manufacturing and Novelty Monogrammed Icepick Company

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 1:10 am

One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a pain in the ass for the marketing department.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 12, 2011 at 1:17 am

Brings a whole new perspective to "market segmentation"

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 2:05 am

Stalinism strong armed Trinketism.

Chichikovovich November 12, 2011 at 8:26 am

Scroungers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your keychains.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 8:49 am

The production of too many useless things results in too many useless people.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun-shaped lighter with a logo."
- Matt Tse-Tung

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I could laugh at that, if only it were a joke.

Beowoof November 12, 2011 at 9:00 am

Move production of swag to Guantanamo, costs cut and money saved. Easy peasy.

spareme November 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

"Michele – where is my important crap in this drawerful of crap you have crammed into this crap drawer? God dammit, there oughta be a law…"

carlgt1 November 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

it's hilarious they'll nickel-and-dime stuff like this rather than just chopping off one fighter jet they don't need; which would pay for this as well as 100 worthwhile social programs.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 11:36 am

And that Cold War – World War III top gun fighter isn't as effective in a world of asymmetric engagements as a drone that costs oh so much less.

ttommyunger November 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Can nobody in America take a punch anymore? What ever happened to "suck it up", "walk it off" or "grow the fuck up"? Seems like whining is the new National Past-time. I get really tired of this shit and the attitude of victimhood it portrays. Jerb creators, my ass, this shitstain is prolly no more than a middle-man between a buyer and overseas suppliers.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Seems like whining is the new National Past-time.

"New" National Pass-time? Where've you been napping, Mr Van Winkle?

ttommyunger November 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Sorry.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I blame the negros.

ttommyunger November 12, 2011 at 4:46 pm

….and the brownz.

Chet Kincaid November 12, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Whining will never replace the Old National Passtime.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Lynching?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

NOW I REMEMBER – The DOT. Department of Tchotchkes. That's the third one imma gonna shut down.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

With its notorious Feral Highwaymen Administration.

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 1:15 am

Don't forget the Folderol Trannysits Administration.

Negropolis November 14, 2011 at 1:17 am

Oh, and the Federal Bureau of Instigations.

Antispandex November 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

So, THIS is how we strike back at China. They don't allow us to import crap to their country, we cut off the crap industry here. I like it!…of course it won't work, but…

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Barry to Bertram:

"Waist pack, want not."

solarizucar23 November 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Rush Limbaugh have repeatedly stated that the government has never, ever, once created a single private sector job. I never imagined
<a title="kral oyunlar" target="_blank" href="http://www.yenioyun.net">kral oyun

MozakiBlocks November 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I used to collect all that swag from tradeshows and what not and give it to the various and asundry children in my extended family to play with.

All it took was one night of shenanigans from the grandchildren and the "That Was Easy" red button from Staples to stop that practice.

None of the grandchildren were harmed in the ensuing 'furore' but they will probably need therapy after witnessing the red button's end…

4TheTurnstiles November 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Crybaby cries too much.

johnnyzhivago November 12, 2011 at 4:41 pm

OT, but I came up with a great slogan for Cain's campaign:

Cain: 100% of the Cain But None of the Mc That Gave You Indigestion

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Is there another debate this evening?

SNL won't be the only live comedy tonight, I guess…

johnnyzhivago November 12, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Tonight's sponsor is Spike TV and the World Wrestling Federation. The format will be a traditional question and answer inside a domed cage with maneating lions, tigers and leopards running loose.

Nostrildamus November 13, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Speaking of useless fobs …

MzNicky November 12, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Shall we meet here around debate-time and OccupyWonkette with a live-blog?

NYNYNYjr November 12, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I'll meet you behind the 7-11 during the debate…for a live blog

MzNicky November 13, 2011 at 6:33 am

Herman? Herman Cain? Is that you?

mrblifil November 12, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Gingrich will save us all.

Rotundo_ November 12, 2011 at 7:00 pm

From what? Having to "do" Callista? All snark aside, when will one of these dumbasses drop out of the race? I know all about Michele and the grifter queen school of campaigning, it seems Cain is still in the race to sell books, as is Newt. But why is Huntsman still running? He is the closest thing to an adult on the dais and still is in single digits. I don't think Santorum is trying to peddle a book. None of them will give up early on! T-Paw has to be feeling pretty damned stupid at this point. He could have grifted along with the breeze like the rest of them.

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2011 at 12:42 am

Huntsman is laying down a marker for future GOP sanity. Good fucking luck!

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 7:47 pm

All the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"… and I'll whisper "no."

Buckminster November 12, 2011 at 7:16 pm

If it weren’t for swag, there’d have been a lot of naked radio station disc jockeys in the 1970s and 1980s. Half my wardrobe was promotional tee shirts and all of my “dinnerware” came from radio station promotions, as in cups, cup holders, sporks, and anything else I could manage to snag from the remote van. Plus, we ate on pizza coupons and free bean dip and pop from the local sponsors a whole lot. Good times, but I’m glad things aren’t quite that rugged now that I’m in my 50s and got out of the radio biz.

Blueb4sunrise November 12, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Just checked in at CBS . Rebecca Kaplan Campaign reporter for CBS/National Journal covering (at the moment) the Rick Perry campaign ………says:

28 minutes till the CBS-NJ debate! Get pumped!

Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/2718-250_162-1335.html#ixz

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Ugh…I hate it when they act like this stuff is a sporting event.

Sporting events usually aren't this tragic…unless it's a Penn State game.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 7:57 pm

That site features some American Idol-style voting widget. Cast as many votes for Santorum as you possibly can.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:06 pm

That live chat they have on their page is terrible.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I just noticed tonight's Republican debate will be broadcast on C.B.S.

And we'll definitely see B.S.

Blueb4sunrise November 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I don't think I can deal……….

latest tweet………

"Scott Pelley and Major Garrett warm up the crowd"

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Santorum's opening statement has been leaked:
"I'm glad to be here on CBS, though I should point out that 'The Big Bang Theory' is just a theory."

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:00 pm

This is the foreign policy debate, right?
So, to preview:
Israel, Israel, Israel, China, China, Iran, Israel, North Korea, Israel, Israel, Israel, Mexico.

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 1:21 am

YOU FORGOT POLAND!!!

Oh, never mind.

Negropolis November 14, 2011 at 1:20 am

I love how when Perry was talking his batshit crazy plan to start every piece of foreign aid and included Israel in that, the controversy the next day wasn't the batshit crazy plan, itself, but that he said that Israel would have to meet the standard everyone else does. lol God forbid that we don't put Israel in a special box every single time we talk about it.

And, they think we're going to follow them into war when they go fuck with Iran, next year. Bullshit. Good luck with that.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Huntsman is the only one with any serious foreign policy cred, but there likely will be swings at the Neuter since he's moved to be tied as top turd of the cess pool with Mittens. Larger chunks do tend to float to the top.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Cheapest. Podiums. Ever.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I'm only barely watching on my computer while my daughter is watching "Megamind" on our TV. I got monstrous egos in stereo.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Neuter wants a Phoenix Program redo in Iran and whack their pols & scientists.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Comedy Central's Indecision Forever is getting in some good liveblog zingers right now.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I think I'm gonna turn the sound off for a while and just enjoy their suits. Those are some nice suits.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Santorum is creating a frothy mix cornholing Shrub & Newtie. BUTTSECHS!!!

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Michele trying to pull off the naughty librarian tonight, but needs glasses to complete it.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Scottie just called She1ey Congressman.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Huntsman just torched his Rethug campaign by saying we need to bring the troops home. Rationality will never sell with the Teas.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

God this is just painful.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:32 pm

You know it when Batshit Bachmann & Frothy Santorum join Huntsman as the only ones who appear to have a clue about Pakistan.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Santorum actually sounded well-prepped on that one.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Ah, shit….I hope this doesn't make him the next contestant in the "Let's Take a Second Look At…" game the media is playing.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

She1ey scolding Rick about being oblivious about the Pakis having nukes.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Needs moar creme pie tossing.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:36 pm

If that's euphemism for botox, I think Michele already got it all.

hebmskebm November 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUSFY28-noA

Here is ten straight hours of Herman Cain saying 9-9-9. Do with this what you will.

weejee November 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

We'll stand it on its head.

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 10:16 pm

I didn't realize that Negativland had a new album coming out.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

CBS hopes their audience is enjoying their movie of the week:
"Slow White-lady and the Seven Dorks."

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Holy fuck, Newt brings up Agenda 21???!!! And the crowd applauded. Alex Jones just plotzed.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Ha ha, Santorum won't hire anyone who might disagree with him. That's what you want in a president.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

To be fair, it's not like he'll actually be getting to hire anyone who agrees with him either.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

True. His unelectability gives him license to let his imagination run wild. I'd like to think that's the motivation for all the absolute crazy we're hearing up there on the stage, but I think these people all really are as stupid as they sound.

jus_wonderin November 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

After I win the lottery, I am going to invent Warp Drive and build the USS Enterprise and explore our quadrant of this galaxy.

Dok-cupy Everything November 14, 2011 at 10:31 am

When I pointed out to a cow orker years ago that you're twice as likely to be hit by lightning as to win the lottery, she happily announced, "Yeah, but if want to get hit by lightning you gotta play golf in the rain," and went off to buy her weekly tickets.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I shouldn't have been, but I really was kind of surprised how blatant he was about letting everyone know just how narrow minded he is. Team of Rivals his administration would not be. More like Team of Echoes.

not that Dewey November 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

You know who else wouldn't hire anyone who might disagree with him?

HistoriCat November 13, 2011 at 4:30 pm

J. Edgar Hoover?

imissopus November 13, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Mike Shanahan?

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 10:42 pm

I'm gonna wait another 24 hours, and if nobody says "Hitler?" by this time tomorrow, then I'll say "Hitler?"

BarackMyWorld November 14, 2011 at 1:59 am

Donald Rumsfeld?

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Now Rick Perry brings in the whole Palinesque "I've been Commander in Chief over the National Guard of my state" point. Douchebag.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Did he forget he spent most of the 1970s as a pilot in the U.S. Air Force? Wow, this guy…

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 10:45 pm

I would really have hated to be on a plane with him when he said, "OOPS".

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Shelly claims Obama is allowing the ACLU to run the CIA.

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Stupid! Everyone knows Obama gave the CIA to ACORN.

Negropolis November 14, 2011 at 1:28 am

Silly Sheley, everyone knows that the ACLU runs the DoJ. She needs to get her whack-a-doodle conspiracies right.

Biff November 14, 2011 at 10:39 am

I thought that contract expired when Barry traded Rahm Emanuel to Chicago for next year's top draft pick?

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Debate time!

Perry just totally slurred China. I'm not fan, but saying that China will "end up on the ashheap of history" is not what you want to be saying about such a huge trading partner.

Oh, and Michele "the ACLU runs the CIA" Bachmann? Yeah, you over there. Bitch, please.

Blueb4sunrise November 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Really? There's been a China since about 200 B.C.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm

So they're past due, I guess is the thinking.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I thought the Republicans all worshiped David Petraeus.

not that Dewey November 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

That's the very same CIACLU that Newt wants to use to neutralize all the Iranian scientists and Syrian businessmen, right?

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm

It's a fucking crime how disrespectful they are to Huntsman. It's sick, really.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Could be worse…he could be Buddy Roemer. They won't even let his ass in the building.

Rotundo_ November 12, 2011 at 10:17 pm

The guy has two strikes against him from the beginning: He's LDS so the religious types hate him since being Mormon isn't christian enough for them. He is also one hell of a lot more intelligent than any 6 of the others there combined. The Mormon part is a difficult enough issue for him to hurdle over, being intelligent is just one bridge too far for a party that can only reconcile its core beliefs by a lack of intelligence. It is a shame for them, he probably is the only one of the lot that could hold his own in a debate with Obama. I just can't believe that these folks are the best and brightest of the republican brand.

mrblifil November 12, 2011 at 11:41 pm

GOP has already ceded the Prez election. That much is clear. And propping up a batshit crazy woman and a priggish self-righteous black man with salacious skeletons in his closet is their way of throwing their hands up and saying "this is why women and blacks just don't fit in to today's GOP."

The GOP likes Obama just fine. They're very very happy with how the last 3 years have gone down. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

El Pinche November 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm

The debate needs more Muppets (besides Kochmuppets).

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Herman Cain would torture Gitmo detainees by giving Godfathers Pizza the contract to run the kitchen there.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 9:14 pm

You know, if in 2016 the Republican go for their normal schtick of nominating a runner-up from a previous election…I don't see any of these schmucks being able to step up to the challenge.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I'm amazed any of these idiots are able to step up to the challenge of dressing themselves. The stupid just never fails to amaze.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm

You really think they dress themselves?

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Good point. What basis do I have for giving them the benefit of the doubt?

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2011 at 12:22 am

Palin didn't.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Shelly now promising to get rid of the programs LBJ gave us in with the Great Society. Good luck getting rid of Medicare, Shelly.

V572625694 November 12, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Sheley wants to make us like China! Horribly poor, dirty and growing! She's so brilliant.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Horribly poor, dirty and growing!

So, like her foster kids in other words.

not that Dewey November 13, 2011 at 9:44 am

In her words, China is "not a welfare state" and "doesn't have food stamps", therefore they are a model of perfection.

Negropolis November 14, 2011 at 1:41 am

Damn, I know China's economy has changed quite a bit, but did Shells forget that it's a fucking communist country? Hot damn, she's dumb,.

not that Dewey November 14, 2011 at 8:38 am

Even setting aside for the moment the communism/welfare state distinction, which she'll never get, does she really think US America should be more like China in some other way? Perhaps in our treatment of political prisoners? Or our internet censorship policy? OH! I KNOW! Corporate CEOs should be executed when there's a public safety scandal involving one of their products. That's what she meant, right?

V572625694 November 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Herman punts on the "invade Pakistan" question. What a pussy — "ask my advisors"…a stockbroker in Cleveland?

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

He didn't try calling it Paki-paki-paki-stan-stan?

weejee November 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

No, but Poopy-Pakistan-stan came through loud & clear.

Beowoof November 12, 2011 at 9:25 pm

What, no live blog of tonight's republican bullshit session? Thank you.

V572625694 November 12, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Why do their lecterns look like modernist shopping carts with drafting tables on top of them? Do not want to see their legs this much, not even Sheley's.

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Not that there was any reason I had to be watching that anyway, but thank Dog it's over. I've never seen a collection of people that stupid outside of a Special Ed classroom.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Go on, say it. You were tempted to say retarded, weren't you?

imissopus November 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I presumed it wouldn't go through. Though I'm not sure either stupid or r*tarded does justice to what I just watched. Hella r*tarded, maybe? Still insufficient.

EDIT: I actually used the real word and the administrator deleted it. Don't know how yours got through.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I'm bonafide!

comrad_darkness November 12, 2011 at 11:33 pm

pǝpɹɐʇǝɹ? How about just Tri-G?

littlebigdaddy November 12, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Is this the Lincoln Elementary School special needs class festival? If it's not, I have no idea wtf is going on.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2011 at 11:23 pm

"If we re-elect Barack Obama, Iran will have a nuclear weapon. And if you elect Mitt Romney, Iran will not have a nuclear weapon."
-Mitt Romney

I'm going to use this quote every time someone says the Democrats are too mean to the Republicans.

littlebigdaddy November 13, 2011 at 12:19 am

This is all nonsense. Instead of worrying about Mittens you can listen to the best song ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxKTzwaEa2o

not that Dewey November 13, 2011 at 9:41 am

Thanks, that was great. While listening to that, I decided to go joyriding on wikipedia and it went Richard Thompson -> Mitchell Froom -> Tchad Blake -> Soul Coughing, one of my favorite bands. Good music and interesting musical trivia — the perfect Sunday morning!

weejee November 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Since this is a debate, do Wonketteers prefer Richard Thompson's Black Lightning or Hunter S. Thompson's Black Shadow? None ninja bike references, svp.

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 1:33 am

So, has the foreign policy debate started yet?

neiltheblaze November 13, 2011 at 8:19 am

I want one of those Supreme Court Magic 8 Balls before they run out!

weejee November 13, 2011 at 1:51 pm

From some of their recent hallucinations rulings, seems Thomas, Scalia, Alito, and Roberts have been taking some outside shots of the Supreme Court Magic Speedballs.

El Pinche November 14, 2011 at 1:29 am

With Koch-discounts!
good god… I just noticed your extremely disturbing avatar , a horrid amalgamation of Newt/Callista.

Negropolis November 14, 2011 at 1:30 am

You better get 'em quick. I hear Roberts is bulk ordering them for the court's next session.

BlueStateLibel November 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

I still can't be sure if that was a real debate last night, or Saturday Night Live was on early.

Also I loved the way Hermie said the "Arab spring has gotten out of hand." Hey, Hermie, why don't you take your little bad ass self over to Yemen and tell the protesters there exactly how you feel.

El Pinche November 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

Herb: "Please don't beatybeatybeatybeatystan the shit out me !!! "

Rotundo_ November 13, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Pro-democracy movements everywhere are getting out of hand, but those ones in the monarchies and dictatorships that we are propping up are just too much for Hermie to tolerate. This guy really is a cartoon character of a candidate isn't he? We can't have all this freedom stuff breaking out! It might interfere with (sudden reverent intonation) PROFITS! Make it stop now!

iburl November 13, 2011 at 10:33 pm

And I love how he gets all this cred as a Pizza Man! It's not like he invented Godfather's Pizza. He was inserted into the corporation after they were huge, and Cain's role was to shut down stores to increase profits. Job creation, not so much.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 14, 2011 at 3:01 am

It's, um, job creation because, errr – more dividends for shareholders or something.

None of this Republimath is supposed to make sense. Just lap up the shit and imagine that one day you'll be a hugely rich person and it makes sense. Just don't be Soros or Buffett, they're communists who believe in welfare or some such. Also Gates, he's a cunt who has a foundation. No, be selfish. SELFISH! Also, elect republicans.

OccupyFnChicken November 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Swag = carney turds

Rotundo_ November 13, 2011 at 3:54 pm

So they smell like beer, cotton candy and deep fried (insert name of highly improbable food like substance here) and meth?

BarackMyWorld November 13, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Chichikovovich November 13, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Michele Bachmann: "If you look at China, they don’t have food stamps. … They don’t have AFDC. They don’t have the modern welfare state."

Unbelievable. Here's a hint for you Michele: China is a communist country. Their social and economic systems are intentionally based on Marx's theories of class struggle and control of the means of production. How is it possible for someone to be this dense?

Shorter Michele Bachmann: Marxist Socialism, which Obama espouses, is awful. So we should be more like China instead.

El Pinche November 13, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I'm just glad psycho-eyes will soon disappear from public forum forever to run her human farm in Minnesota.

paris biltong November 14, 2011 at 9:38 am

My Chinese acupuncturist, a recent immigrant here in Paris, thinks that "France very good for workers – holiday, insurance – but China much better for bosses."

flamingpdog November 13, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Gingrich … claimed Obama repudiated former president Mubarak “overnight,” when in fact the president took seven days before he publicly urged Mubarak to begin an “orderly transition” of power.

Aw, give Newtie a break! He said if he hadn't gone into politics, he would have been a zoo director or a vertebrate paleontologist. To a vertebrate paleontologist, 7 million days is "overnight".

BarackMyWorld November 14, 2011 at 1:38 am

Could you IMAGINE Newt Gingrich as a zookeeper?

"Young man, your question indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of the basics of species identification. Those dolphins are not fish, but mammals. I am attempting to substantially alter your perception of animal life by correctly identifying something basic: fish breath water and mammals breath air, a misconception which defies common sense."

Fukui_sanYesOta November 14, 2011 at 2:43 am

That's a $3M bill for Sea World right there, in Newtie-math.

I wonder how he'd get on with in a more challenging forum, like Busch Gardens.

"Well, you see, the great apes are simply large monkeys. No, no, ignore the so-called facts you've been taught. There's a simple truth here. Do they look like large monkeys to you? Yes? Then they're monkeys, and ignore the ivory-tower scientists. Oh, gibbons? You're going there? They have a brachiating locomotive method and complex social groups, yes. However, do they look like your idea of a monkey? Yes? Then they're monkeys. Also, abolish the EPA. Thanks, I've been Newt Gingrich."

Lascauxcaveman November 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

It's little moments of brilliance like that…

tessiee November 11, 2011 at 10:07 pm

If in doubt, you can assume that *anything* requires pie.

ShaveTheWhales November 11, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Obligatory "Mmmm, pie".

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 12:38 am

HEY! I'm just as tax-payer funded as the rest of you are. We communistically celebrate "Birthday" once a month to cut down on cake costs, and we didn't even HAVE a company picnic this year.

Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

MOG2410 November 14, 2011 at 12:18 pm

while barefoot in the snow??

Fukui_sanYesOta November 12, 2011 at 12:47 am

Birthdays? Cake? What kind of anarchist-hive are you so-called-working at?

Here at the blacking factory we celebrate the "Company Nascence Day" once a year and have to forego our month's salary as tithe.

Picnics? We have "bring your kids to work day" where the children are used as ballast for the stamping machine.

Cake. Pshaw!

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 1:01 am

But, but, but…We only get TWO free drink tickets at the annual xmas party, and that's for WELL drinks! Talk about deprivation! When was the last time YOU had to drink Clan McGregor? Huh?

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Kids? Blacking factory? Well aren't we the High Hat and Monocles set?!

We'd have to sell our Sterno-rotted livers if we still had them just to rent a single shabby testicle to even make a kid in the first place and then only so we could render him down for blacking to sell to your precious little factory, ya fekkin' royal scum.

Fukui_sanYesOta November 12, 2011 at 1:15 am

Blimey. We use that for degreasing the cam casings.

Seriously, drink tickets for well drinks? They might as well just wave a hundred at you and offer to let you sniff it.

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 1:42 am

Um, Henry Winkler is a jew.

Herring_Burnit November 12, 2011 at 1:54 am

Duh? What's the connection?

I meant that Owls would probably know if "chachi" means "dick" in Korean.

flamingpdog November 12, 2011 at 2:50 am

Thanks, Wonkette responders to my whine. I might actually be able to go to bed with a smile on my face for once.

flamingpdog November 12, 2011 at 3:10 am

Jebus, Barry's got a green jobs czar, a health czar, even a freakin' Asian carp czar, so mebbe it's time to crank up the way-back machine and appoint a "crappy, Chinese-made shit that even Wal-Mart turns up its nose at" czar.

Quit stallin', Barry!

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 3:58 am

Jews are cool?
Jews can jump the shark?
Jews are wise?
Jews are Mittleman?

user-of-owls November 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Somebody got had..closest would be 'Jee Jee' and that's closer to 'willy' or even 'wee wee thing.'

And don't pay poor ol' Radio no never mind. Boy's not right in the haid, but he's a sore awful protective of his birdy friends.

Radio99% November 12, 2011 at 4:08 am

Hey you right wing 1%er Koch suckers, I gotta know, is the fascist usurper post-colonialism Kenyian socialist a Czarist or a Bolshevik?

not that Dewey November 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

From your link, it appears that FDR had a "rubber czar", so we could probably just update the job description and back-fill that position.

Chet Kincaid November 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Asian carp is no fuckin' joke, but if you half-snicker and roll your eyes when you say it, like Piyush Jindal, you can look real stupid.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 4:18 am

I think the correct answer really is "yes" this time. lol

weejee November 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

Appalling Katie.

Fare la Volpe November 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

If Jamaica can have a bobsled team, Tuscon can have snowglobes.

Ouch, that joke was dated even by Leno standards.

user-of-owls November 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Smile?! Face ?!

Oh, la-di-da, aren't we the duchess with our whole "Teeth/Lips" and "Skin/Flesh Covering"!

#Itinerant Lepers

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Love your name "ShitFilledExistence"! Strangely comforting.

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Well I guess so, I guess.?

Scottsdalian November 12, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Pecan pie the best, apple pie always a solid go-to choice. Then there's all the others.

Negropolis November 12, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Build the danged (underwater electric) fence!

jqheywood November 13, 2011 at 12:31 am

And you try to tell that to the kids today…

Chet Kincaid November 13, 2011 at 12:41 am

Blaming negroes and browns.

freddymcmurray November 13, 2011 at 1:57 am

I guess we better end this song.

RadiosTyrone November 13, 2011 at 4:35 am

David "User-of-Owls" Copperfield will never release his re†arded trick. And now he is rubbing our noises in it.

OccupyFnChicken November 13, 2011 at 1:06 pm

…by sayin' "I believe in swordfish!"

Herring_Burnit November 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I *knew* you'd come through, my fine, fine-feathered friend!

Tetched, is he?

I just want to give you a thankyou hug. I appear to be cured. We'll see how long this lasts. I've been talking to a dear friend (who smacked me upside the head for turning to online friends before IRL ones), who tells me that she was still struggling after five years, although she won her battle and has been free and happy for 20 years now.

All I know is, I've been going through various kinds of emotional hell, but physically, I am doing GREAT. Mild insomnia, but nothing calcium/magnesium supplements can't handle, and I cut down my caffeine intake, which seemed to help. And, best of all, not the slightest struggle. I owe it all to you and ntDewey. It R a miracle.

Joyfully, and with great gratitude
The User of 1,008 Names

Biff November 14, 2011 at 10:36 am

Really? She orks cows?
Thought I invented cow orking.

DerrickWildcat November 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I'm worried that you might be some kind of spy. Who sent you?
However, if you poke around on my, "photo stream" a little bit, you'll figure it out.

Nothingisamiss November 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm

No spy, but I'd think the same. Viva la big brother! (I'm just catching up on my wonkette after being out of internet range due to…well, I'm not gonna tell you…..) (And if I'm not too lazy, I'll look at the photostream. But I am feeling pretty lazy.)

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