will somebody please think of the keychains?

Swag Industry Does Not Care For Obama’s War on Government Swag

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Just another socialist assault on the American Way of Life.Barack Obama’s latest hard-charging attack on federal waste is a presidential directive complete with triumphant press release officially ordering government agencies to cut back on the purchase of promotional products, aka “swag,” that will somehow save taxpayers millions of dollars they probably did not realize they were spending on Supreme Court-themed Magic 8-balls or ATF assault-rifle pendants or whatever for the couple of low-level federal employees who got to keep their jobs to hand out in the Visitors Centers. Hooray for less useless novelty items going straight to clog up America’s bloated landfills, right? NO, according to Big Swag trade industry people, who strongly object to this War on Crap, because it might give Americans the erroneous impression they are supposed to quit buying Crap all day long.

The Hill reports on this outrage:

“For the president to say that buying promotional products is a waste is extremely troubling and shows how little he knows about the industry,” Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing, said in a statement. “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

To be fair, Obama could have probably spared the ugly trinket industry this pain just by shutting down the $139-million-per-year gulag it runs in Cuba to make sure 171 filthy terrorist prisoners don’t so much as touch American soil, but, eh, priorities. [The Hill]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • jdoleman

    A short-sighted and misguided policy. I had never paid my taxes until I got that IRS novelty cup holder

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      See, if you can't actually SEE, FEEL, etc., where your tax $$ go, why the hell would you pay 'em?

      • Callyson

        Pizza Man will solve the see and feel problem.

        • jus_wonderin

          "See Woman! Come here. Feel my swag."

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Where swag=tiny_shrunken_peener.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          I'm not sure whether to be grateful or grossed out that I had already eaten lunch before reading this. I'll let you know what comes up.

    • horsedreamer_1

      My Army-Navy game commemorative football phone was a scam, though. Still havn't gotten it, & I ordered it in '93.

  • mookwrthwilson

    First they came for the crap peddlers, but I said nothing…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      This war on crap, it … it's gonna get messy.

    • Negropolis

      …because I loved my General Services Administration keychain. I was also kind of partial to my Congressional Budget Office coasters and Federal Transit Administration bath towels. Also.

    • sati_demise

      I am hoping then next sentence is:

      And then they came for the war profiteers.
      But I said nothing.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Ha, ha, ha, ha…oooohh, ho, ho, heeee, he, he, he.

        Uhhm, yeah… No.

      • Fare la Volpe

        …because there was a wet rag blocking my airways.

  • Tundra Grifter

    So now it's Swadg? Looks vaguely like something on the Ikea lunch menu.

    • nounverb911

      Swedish meatballs stuffed with Lutefisk?

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Only if there is a side order of smoked oysters in ketchup.

      • Walkinwiddaking

        Mmmmm..Lutefisk.

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      No, Swadg is a chest of drawers. Also on the Ikea lunch menu.

      • jus_wonderin

        Ever try to put one of those things together?!!??"

        • Tundra Grifter

          JW: Yep – and more often than not it seems to be missing one tiny piece. Several years ago I purchased a dresser for our daughter. We waited a few months to put it together because she wanted to paint her room.

          By the time we did we had two left-hand side parts – and no right.

          I had to go back to Ikea, buy another one of the damn things, bring it home, extract the one part I needed, switch it with the extra one I had, drive back to Ikea and get my money back.

          Never again!

          • V572625694

            Ah, you probably didn't anal-retentively lay out all the incomprehensible little gubbins and check what you got against the pictographic parts list. Serves you right!

        • Nostrildamus

          Nice IKEA project for next weekend:
          http://ianoneill.posterous.com/ikeas-large-hadron

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            excellent I been wantin' one o' them hadron colliders for the holidays!

          • jus_wonderin

            Oh my, LOL.

    • widestanceshakedown

      It's a frothy mix of lingonberries and fecal matter.

  • nounverb911

    So how much is my Obama "Birth Certificate" coffee mug worth now?

    • chicken_thief

      Forged short form or forged long form?

      • nounverb911

        Long form, I got mine by donating $15 to his campaign.
        Obama Mug.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Nothing more than loose change.

    • flamingpdog

      I dunno, how much do you hope it's worth?

  • Goonemeritus

    One mans crap is another mans high margin product portfolio totally comprised of crap.

    • GOPCrusher

      This, needs to be a bumper sticker.

      • OccupyFnChicken

        I'LL BUY ONE! I'LL BUY ONE!!

    • sati_demise

      And some of that crap is cluster bombs.

  • CliveWarren

    Matt Bertram is Worlds Greatest President… Or so his coffee mug claims.

    • Scottsdalian

      At least he's "World's Greatest Dad", so he's got that goin' for him.

  • OzoneTom

    What will he use to sign all of the bills that Congress sends him?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      The Tea Party™ recommends genuine partridge quills so today's legislation has a proper 18th century aura.

      • flamingpdog

        Or one of the 2000 quail quill pens Darth Cheney left behind.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    It's all just shake and seeds anyway.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Stop letting the birds play with it, dood.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heh. O-bammer.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    “For the president to say that buying promotional products is a waste is extremely troubling and shows how little he knows about the industry,” Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing, said in a statement. “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

    Hang on a minute – that's OUR FUCKING MONEY. That makes it a government handout to businesses; a bailout, if you will. Strikes me that Matty-boy might have a meltdown if you put it in those terms.

    In fact, someone should photograph him suffering from irreconcilable cognitive dissonance and put it on a mug to be given out at tea party events. Hurrah for capitalism!

    • fartknocker

      You can actually order those from their website:
      http://fieldsmfg.com/

      I always wondered where this crap came from. Thanks to Wonkette, I now know where I can purchase 500 flip flops with my logo on it for <$2 each.

      • flamingpdog

        Can you order a box of predator drone dildoes with your log on it? I'm too lazy drunk to look.

      • Scottsdalian

        I'll take one!

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        you can be sure that brave 'Merkan crap seller Matt Bertam buys ALL his crap from the COMMUNIST Chinese (made with slave labor for your enjoyment, and CAPITALISM…FREE MARKETS SLAVES!)

    • BlueStateLibel

      The Cons do the same thing with the military, arguing that any cuts to the military mean a loss of jobs. And then argue two seconds later that "the government can't create jobs."

      • DoktorThompson

        At least with the swag we got something in return for our money.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        there's that 'irreconcilable cognitive dissonance' again for ya (I am SOOO gonna be using that phrase in EVERY reply to wingnut assholes on Yahoo! this coming year!)

    • sati_demise

      Why should the fucking government have to advertise in the first place. The whole concept is ridiculous. But all systems with a corporate structure buy this crap.

    • Scottsdalian

      Wait'll they find out the repubs just cut a few more trillion from the U.S. budget. They're gonna poop.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      ha! I've been using 'cognitive dissonance' in most of my *replies* to ignorant Yahoo! news assholes/ Repugnants…adding 'irreconcilable' to it will REALLY blow thier feeble minds (they don't seem to know hot to use the Google to look up words they don't understand/ can't pronounce)

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Jewish people call it, "Chachi"

    • nounverb911

      טשאַטשקע means "useless crap" in Yiddish.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        that is so cool, how do you DO that!

    • SorosBot

      And here I thought Chachi and the Fonz were Italian.

      • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

        Fonz means useless crap in Yiddish?

        • McRibzgood

          I was told Chachi means dick in korean. (Now think of the spin off show……)

          Funny thing is Joni loves Chachi was HUGE in Korea.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Ask Owls, he would know.

          • Radio99%

            Um, Henry Winkler is a jew.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Duh? What's the connection?

            I meant that Owls would probably know if "chachi" means "dick" in Korean.

          • Radio99%

            Jews are cool?
            Jews can jump the shark?
            Jews are wise?
            Jews are Mittleman?

          • user-of-owls

            Somebody got had..closest would be 'Jee Jee' and that's closer to 'willy' or even 'wee wee thing.'

            And don't pay poor ol' Radio no never mind. Boy's not right in the haid, but he's a sore awful protective of his birdy friends.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            I *knew* you'd come through, my fine, fine-feathered friend!

            Tetched, is he?

            I just want to give you a thankyou hug. I appear to be cured. We'll see how long this lasts. I've been talking to a dear friend (who smacked me upside the head for turning to online friends before IRL ones), who tells me that she was still struggling after five years, although she won her battle and has been free and happy for 20 years now.

            All I know is, I've been going through various kinds of emotional hell, but physically, I am doing GREAT. Mild insomnia, but nothing calcium/magnesium supplements can't handle, and I cut down my caffeine intake, which seemed to help. And, best of all, not the slightest struggle. I owe it all to you and ntDewey. It R a miracle.

            Joyfully, and with great gratitude
            The User of 1,008 Names

          • PuglyDoRight

            You mean tchotchke.

      • Tundra Grifter

        SB:

        Are you sure Chachi isn't one of those fancy Starbuck$ drinks?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I thought it was that discount Italian design house that basically does cheap knockoffs of the Versace line.

    • jqheywood

      And Joni loves it…

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Joni loves crotchy!

        • Crank_Tango

          I believe in swordfish!

          • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

            He believes in swordfish.

          • freddymcmurray

            I guess we better end this song.

          • OccupyFnChicken

            …by sayin' "I believe in swordfish!"

    • OccupyFnChicken

      I was writing to correct you (being a wordy former gentile), but then I remembered this is Wonkette. Carry on.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Yeah, I'm being dumb.

    • finallyhappy

      tchochke- as if Yiddish has a correct English spelling.

      • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

        I thought it was tchotchke. (the extra 't' is for "There's no correct English spelling..) But I think the reference was to Bachmann's ridiculous pronunciation of 'chutzpah'.

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

          I Haz picture of real eagle. I taked it not too long ago.
          It's Friday and this comment is buried so what the heck huh?
          Look how big his finger nails are@! http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/6280407

          • Geminisunmars

            You are so talonted.

          • emmelemm

            Very cool! I can just imagine him tapping that magnificent toenail, impatiently…

          • flamingpdog

            Stephen Colbert has tearz in his eyes.

          • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

            What a great shot of a magnificent bird!

            (Way better than a Wild Turkey, Ben!)

          • BigDumbRedDog

            My vet gets mad when I let my dogs get that long.

          • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

            Stunning! Incredible pic. Strangely enough, it looks hungry for some Cardinals..

          • Scottsdalian

            Love your name "ShitFilledExistence"! Strangely comforting.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Hoe come he'd not crying?

          • Nothingisamiss

            Nicely done! Where was this, pray tell?

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

            I'm worried that you might be some kind of spy. Who sent you?
            However, if you poke around on my, "photo stream" a little bit, you'll figure it out.

          • Nothingisamiss

            No spy, but I'd think the same. Viva la big brother! (I'm just catching up on my wonkette after being out of internet range due to…well, I'm not gonna tell you…..) (And if I'm not too lazy, I'll look at the photostream. But I am feeling pretty lazy.)

    • snackypants

      Needz moar chootzpaw.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    No more Jerry Sandusky Commemorative Dildoes?

    • jqheywood

      I'd say "too soon", but this IS the Wonkette…

      • MaxNeanderthal

        No child's behind left… er, sorry, that should read "no child left behind" (in the locker room with Jerry).

    • OccupyFnChicken

      This may explain why no enterprising person had the daring to create the Priestly Raiment™ line of seductive bedroom clothing.

  • forgracie

    They'll take my useless crap made in China from my cold dead hands!

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    I thought all that stuff was made in Taiwan.

    • GOPCrusher

      This is not the job creation you are looking for.

  • CarnyTrash

    Needs moar Turd Birds.

    • McRibzgood

      That's now my new screen saver at work!!!!!!!!!

    • Nostrildamus

      That Creation Museum is a crack-up.

      • not that Dewey

        I daresay Noah must have had more than two of those.

  • edgydrifter

    Well, we certainly wouldn't want to give the impression that worthless trinkets are worthless. Christmas is practically right around the corner! Won't anyone please think of the children?!?
    EDIT: Didn't see the story tag. KBJ, you friggin' rock.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Not-swag is THEFT!!!!!!!!

  • orygoon

    The Russkis had their gulag, sure, and now we have the Cuber thingie. But ALL my life America has been one big swalag.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Obama, you will pry my circa 1994 EPA Energy Star paper weight out of my cold dead hands! Next thing you know the socialist ursurper will be coming after the Weeping Eagle Industry!

  • Pragmatist2

    Is "Swag" Jimmy Swaggart's nom de whore?

  • McRibzgood

    Fields Manufacturing: Bringing you moutians of plastic crap that annoying people give you at trade shows which you throw away even before you go to the airport to fly home for 25 years.

    • tessiee

      "you go to the airport to fly home for 25 years"

      Where do you live, Mars?

      • Scottsdalian

        Now that's a commute.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    They will have to pry my Lindsey Graham Commemorative Princess Sparkle Pony from my cold, dead hands.

    • jqheywood

      OMG!! PONIES!!

      • flamingpdog

        WAR PONIES!!!

        Well, it is Veterinarian's Day, isn't it?

        • HedonismBot

          Now that was just silly. But pretty! And sparkly…

    • tessiee

      Stands to reason. They had to pry it from *his* hands.

  • edgydrifter

    My Parents Went to D.C. and All I Got Was Nothing Because Obama Hates Real America

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I bought a salt and pepper shaker set from the Park Service gift shop. They're shaped like the Capitol and Washington Monument. Now future generations will not know that the Capitol is where salt comes from and that pepper is what comes out of phallic shapes.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I have toenail clippers from Las Vegas, Hawaii, Washington DC, Disneyland, Tucson, and NYC x 2 (Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building.)

        And I fully intend to collect more.

        • tessiee

          Those must look really spiffy on the display shelf next to your collection of souvenir snow globes.

          • Scottsdalian

            Tucson snow globes?

          • Fare la Volpe

            If Jamaica can have a bobsled team, Tuscon can have snowglobes.

            Ouch, that joke was dated even by Leno standards.

          • Scottsdalian

            Well I guess so, I guess.?

        • spareme

          Does this mean I can't steal all those cute free bottles of crap from my yhotel rooms anymore neither? Wait… and towels?

          • Scottsdalian

            Hotel towels these days just don't even seem worth stealing these days, they're so crappy. At least at the crappy hotels I stay at anyways.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Quick, where can I buy that on a t-shirt or plastic sippy cup?

      • finallyhappy

        Well, I have never seen it at any of the many souvenir vans on Constitution Avenue or the 4 shops near Fords Theater- so I think we have a marketing opportunity here!

  • OccupyFnChicken

    The Assault Rifle Pendant is what devotees of John F. Kennedy wore around Jackie, in memorial… just like Christians wear crosses.

    I miss Bill Hicks so much.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      The fact that the christopaths like to wear an image of one of the most revolting instruments of torture ever devised by mancruel tells you most all of what you need to know of religion…..

      • Nostrildamus

        It's pretty convenient for people forever whining about how victimized they are.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Its weird the only place I saw him perform when he was alive was on the old "Dennis Miller Show" in 1992. Weird because of how Miller lost his mind since then.

      • Generation[redacted]

        The wrong comedian got pancreatic cancer.

  • SorosBot

    What are the swag producers supposed to do, manufacture products people might actually want to buy instead of stupid crap they'll only get as gifts?

    • tessiee

      Are you suggesting that you don't have a use for yet another canvas tote with a corporate logo on it?

      • Bezoar

        I use my canvas corporate logod tote to carry all my canvas corporate logo'ed totes. (How the fuck do you spell 'logo'd' anyway?)

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Romney promises no free fudge, but you may feel a little discomfort.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    Can the same thing be said about public radio pledge month? No, I really don't want the goddamn tote bag or the umbrella.

    • jus_wonderin

      This year I got the "Six Inch Solar Powered Waving Queen". It is really cool. Popped it on the window sill and she just waves and waves and waves that stately Royal greeting. Thing is, it probably wouldn't work in the UK.

      You wouldn't want a Nina Totenbag?

      • OccupyFnChicken

        I just want her in my house, to read to me, night after night.

      • tessiee

        "This year I got the "Six Inch Solar Powered Waving Queen". It is really cool. Popped it on the window sill and she just waves and waves and waves that stately Royal greeting."

        And somewhere, Limey Lizzie is jealous.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Yeah, cause she'd like to use it for target practice.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Aww.. my mom had one of those. She absolutely adored it.

  • McRibzgood

    So the "Swag" industry is getting "beat". How delicious….

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Matt Bertram, president of Fields Manufacturing

    Sounds like the Not-Romney our Gross Old Pervert party has been looking for.

    Matt, our lonely nation (of psychopaths) turns its eyes to you...
    ~

    • Chichikovovich

      The 1%'s Joe the Plumber.

  • Not_So_Much

    So, we're at war with China now?

    • widestanceshakedown

      I heard their melamine mugs are contaminated with cat food.

      • jus_wonderin

        Wasn't Alf from the planet, Melmac?

        • widestanceshakedown

          I'm frantically explaining the connection on blackboards right now, but I only have 12 to work with until the truck arrives with the other 50.

          • jus_wonderin

            I think the equation requires Pi, or is that pie? I always forget.

          • tessiee

            If in doubt, you can assume that *anything* requires pie.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Obligatory "Mmmm, pie".

          • Scottsdalian

            Pecan pie the best, apple pie always a solid go-to choice. Then there's all the others.

      • Negropolis

        WIN(ing!)

    • Fare la Volpe

      We have always been at war with East Asia China.

  • Sue4466

    I've got a cabinet full of craptastic logo mugs that beg to differ with Matt Bertram.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    You can take my government swag when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers… and if he outlaws government swag only outlaws will have swag. Also.

  • widestanceshakedown

    When they kick at your front door,
    How you gonna come?
    With your hands on your head
    Or on your shitty little swag?

    Me, I'll be waiting on my porch clinging to my ATF swag.

    • Chichikovovich

      Ah, "Swag of Brixton". Might be my favorite song on that whole album, and there are lots of greats to choose from.

      • widestanceshakedown

        There's no need to jump from windows filled with indecision over any single favorite there, since it's so easy to get all lost in the supermarket of greats.

  • Sue4466

    Now seriously, when do I get my official Wonketter t-shirt and mug?

  • IncenseDebate

    You know who else defended crap against a president's directive.

    • nounverb911

      Eddie Willers?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Lee Harvey Oswald?

    • GOPCrusher

      Ron Popeil?

    • not that Dewey

      Henry Kissinger?

    • Negropolis

      Southern Dixiecrats?

      • BarackMyWorld

        Win.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Mayor John Norquist during the cryptosporidium outbreak of '94?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Douglas MacArthur?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Look, all Obamer has to do is just forbid purchasing of swag from anywhere but the U.S. It'll be Good for American Business in speeches, but actually will cut swag purchases by approximately 100%.

    • sati_demise

      Bernie Sanders is working on that, seriously.

  • DarwinianDemon

    It's worth the headache to see GOP doofuses demand free computers for government agencies because Obama is agin' it. Can't Obama just start an anti-eating arsenic campaign and let nature take its course?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      In the same vein, Obama should propose a federal law against playing Russian Roulette.

    • Geminisunmars

      This just in: "Obama forbids walking into train tunnels."

      • tessiee

        COYOTE LIBEL!!!

    • Scottsdalian

      Hmmm……that just might work. Worth a try anyway.

  • OneDollarJuana

    On a side note: How come the Bald Eagle is always so mad he's crying? That's the thanks we get for banning DDT and suffering all those extra mosquito bites. I say, bring back the pesticides and make the out-of-doors liveable again!

  • prommie

    Thats schwag, not diggedy-dank at all.

    • OccupyFnChicken

      The Christmas Tree is for ME ME ME

  • Blueb4sunrise

    OT
    From Idiot Box , Stage Right:

    In general, do you think things in the United States are moving in the right direction or are they moving in the wrong direction?

    • IncenseDebate

      Plate tectonics does not make value judgments.

      • flamingpdog

        But it does make snap judgments.

    • sati_demise

      Depends where they are fracking that day.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    This must be one of those examples of how the media doesn't report accurately on how the economy works. Otherwise I would understand why Obama saving a few bucks by cutting back on trinkets hurts small business. But Repubican plans to cut 10% from the federal budget is is good for the economy. 'Splain it to me, Newt.

    .

    • BarackMyWorld

      Newt only understands how his economy works.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    How else are they going to be able to afford $15 muffins.

  • Guppy

    Our government needs more promotional items, because nobody's heard of the federal government!

    • Scottsdalian

      Brand Awareness!

      "Where do YOU choose to be born?!!"

  • littlebigdaddy

    How does this affect TSA novelty vibrators with "get your freak on girl" printed on them? http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/buzzy

    • McRibzgood

      I'd fuck her.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Tell me who you wouldn't fuck Bacon!

    • GOPCrusher

      She got pissed off because she got a free vibrator? WTF?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    We've lost our swag-grrrrr.

    • not that Dewey

      grrrrr

  • Callyson

    I don't know what the industry is so upset about. Just start a new line of Kortney swag, with various vegetables, and they'll be fine.

    • Scottsdalian

      Could you make that one arm go back and forth? That'd be a hoot!

  • McRibzgood

    OT.

    I don't know about you guys but the previous post about getting faster broadband….I didn't get it? What's the snark?

    • littlebigdaddy

      faster broadband=more efficient porn delivery system

    • flamingpdog

      Thank you. I wanted to make a similar snark earlier today, but I came up with nothing.

      • not that Dewey

        Every time you snark on one of the sponsors, Ken's children cry.

    • Radio99%

      No comments are allowed on Capitalism.

  • Indiepalin

    The tenth amendment places the responsiblity for the manufacture of useless swag squarely on the states.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Conservatives such as Rush Limbaugh have repeatedly stated that the government has never, ever, once created a single private sector job. I never imagined it would be the bauble lobby who would refute that claim so effectively.

    • Ruhe

      Bauble Lobby. It's little moments of brilliance like that that really make the whole slogging-through-the-comments-at-wonkette experience worth while.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Remember when we used to have a commenter here named "Bob Lob Law Blog?" And sometimes his comments approached the cleverness of his name.

        • MightySix

          I believe he appropriated that moniker from "Arrested Development."

          • Chichikovovich

            Though long before that, (1960s at least, probably earlier) there was a joke in Canada, referring to the ubiquitous supermarket chain Loblaws, that it's founder was Bob Loblaw. I imagine there have been a lot of independent roads to this one, sort of like Leibniz and Newton (not that one – the scientist) with the calculus or a whole bunch of guys with conservation of energy. When an idea's time has come, there's no holding it back.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It's little moments of brilliance like that…

  • jjdaddyo

    Can we start calling Guantanamo the "Culag" now?

  • GregComlish

    Nobody naw give you no swag
    Obama naw give you no swag
    Not a mid-level NOAA bureaucrat mona naw give you no swag
    Not even Kathleen Sebelius naw give you no swag

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I'm with Bertram, dude. This is not austerity I can believe in . My new line of patriotic snuggies (TeaCozies™ – "for the TeaParty pioneer your prayers alone aren't keeping warm enough at night") was just about to hit the market with official endorsement and promo contract bid from Red Hat Society..

    • tessiee

      "Red Hat Society"

      When I am an old woman, I will Do It with hot, brainy, younger men.
      I already got enough purple clothes to open a damn store.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        A laudable aim! I've always been a sucker for brainy older women.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        When I am an old woman, I will Do It with hot, brainy, younger men.

        Meantime, while you're younger, you could do it with hot, brainy, older men.

        (I'm 51 this Sunday.)

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        "when I am an old woman"

        When I am an old woman, I shall talk like Ruth Gordon.

        • Radio99%

          Tea Party Forever Lazy®

      • DahBoner

        Sad but true fact: Young, hot, brainy men don't have to go out with older women unless they are short, fat, bald, unemployed losers…

        …in which case, they wouldn't be considered "hot", even by old, wrinkled women.

        TIME IS ON MY SIDE, YES IT IS…

      • OccupyFnChicken

        I call it the "Red Hate Society", because those old biddies are some pushy bitches.

  • Chichikovovich

    “This is again another example of our administration making quick decisions that will hurt small business.”

    Small business, eh? Fields Industries seems to have a pretty active takeover life for one of those. Quick Google search reveals among other things that just last month they took over another such novelty-cup-and-pen producing concern, by the name of Target Industries, several states down the road.

    I guess we're dealing with another one of those Republican definitions: "small business" = "any business that is no larger than Toyota".

    • McRibzgood

      Business larger than Toyota are "job creators".

      • Chichikovovich

        Ah, good you told me. I was caught in a fundamental conceptual mistake. I thought that sooper-rich people are "job creators", but I didn't know about mega-corporations.

        But of course, corporations are people too….

    • not that Dewey

      Yeah, just like "family farm" = "the ConAgra family of pig anus extraction and chicken beak removal facilities"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I wonder how may employees at Target Industries got pink slips from "job creator" Bertram, as he created synergy by eliminating redundancies and implementing efficiencies of scale. You know, like Mitt Romney did when he was a regular middle-class small business entrepreneur/investment capital manager.

      That level of hypocrisy has "Republican" written all over it.

    • HedonismBot

      What about businesses that can operate inside a Toyota? Like taco trucks? Or back-alley hookers?

      • not that Dewey

        Too small to fail.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I'll bet there's been more good ideas here in the last 45 min. than their whole marketing dept. in the last decade.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So NOW government spending helps the economy again? How convenient.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Mr. Bertram, what percentage of your 'swag' is manufactured in the United States?…Mr. Bertram?"

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    What's crazy about this (as anyone who deals with the Federal Government or Military knows) – it is FLAT OUT ILLEGAL to give government customers, visitors, etc anything – even a ruler or a coffee mug. I hosted a meeting with the Navy once, and at the end of the day an Admiral came up to me and asked for the cost of the coffee, donuts and lunch for his people – and then wrote a personal check to me (which I assume was reimbused)

    So why the hell are THEY giving this shit out.

    • jqheywood

      Don't assume it was. My wife works for the Dept. of Veterans Affairs, and they have to pay for everything. Water cooler, holiday party, etc.

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        Yikes!! The joke of it all was that we had (then) Bell Labs people there too, and they were like "where the hell is our SWAG????"

      • MOG2410

        sounds like the trade association I work for, can't wait for the pay as you go holiday "party".

    • jus_wonderin

      You should have charged him like a contractor that just installed toliet seats.

    • finallyhappy

      I was told I could accept a cup of coffee when on travel at a meeting- but not the cup. Considering the quality of coffee I have been offered- I usually bring my own back from lunch

    • flamingpdog

      Sadly (snark off), as a gubmint employee (but a serf of Guvnuh Dickinpooper of Colorado, not Prezidint Barry), a lot of this shwag goes to gubmint employees in place of things we used to get every year, like pay raises and benefit increases, even the very occasional monetary bonus. We get this crap at "morale-boosting" meetings on "employee-appreciation" days and are supposed to be grateful that the overlords "appreciate" us.

      Out of beer, brb!

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        I understand – hey, I wouldn't have a cup to piss in (or drink coffee from) if is wasn't for my 20 year collection of coffee mugs!

      • tessiee

        "a lot of this shwag goes to gubmint employees in place of things we used to get every year, like pay raises and benefit increases, even the very occasional monetary bonus. We get this crap at "morale-boosting" meetings on "employee-appreciation" days and are supposed to be grateful"

        Huh. We got a quarter-pound plastic container of pasta salad.

        • not that Dewey

          Typical overpaid government worker with your fancy elitist PASTA salad. Real Americans with Private Sector Jobs are eating day-old McRibs or bologna and jerky sandwiches or reconstituted hotdogs with unfancy mustard at their company picnics while you're eating PASTA salad.

          • user-of-owls

            Oh, look at Mr. "Private Sector Job" whining about his "reconstituted" hotdogs while we're over here scraping by on hotdogs that were never even constituted in the first place!

            #Bindlestiffs

          • not that Dewey

            HEY! I'm just as tax-payer funded as the rest of you are. We communistically celebrate "Birthday" once a month to cut down on cake costs, and we didn't even HAVE a company picnic this year.

            Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            Birthdays? Cake? What kind of anarchist-hive are you so-called-working at?

            Here at the blacking factory we celebrate the "Company Nascence Day" once a year and have to forego our month's salary as tithe.

            Picnics? We have "bring your kids to work day" where the children are used as ballast for the stamping machine.

            Cake. Pshaw!

          • not that Dewey

            But, but, but…We only get TWO free drink tickets at the annual xmas party, and that's for WELL drinks! Talk about deprivation! When was the last time YOU had to drink Clan McGregor? Huh?

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            Blimey. We use that for degreasing the cam casings.

            Seriously, drink tickets for well drinks? They might as well just wave a hundred at you and offer to let you sniff it.

          • flamingpdog

            Thanks, Wonkette responders to my whine. I might actually be able to go to bed with a smile on my face for once.

          • user-of-owls

            Smile?! Face ?!

            Oh, la-di-da, aren't we the duchess with our whole "Teeth/Lips" and "Skin/Flesh Covering"!

            #Itinerant Lepers

          • user-of-owls

            Kids? Blacking factory? Well aren't we the High Hat and Monocles set?!

            We'd have to sell our Sterno-rotted livers if we still had them just to rent a single shabby testicle to even make a kid in the first place and then only so we could render him down for blacking to sell to your precious little factory, ya fekkin' royal scum.

          • jqheywood

            And you try to tell that to the kids today…

          • MOG2410

            while barefoot in the snow??

      • sati_demise

        Funny, corporations are doing that too these days!

        • Polythene_Pam

          I can't tell you how joyous I was to be given a little statuette in honor of my 20th year at our company. Having gone without a raise for the past 10 years, it was great to have the knick-knack to stick in the pocket of my youngest to keep her from blowing away when a big wind comes along.

      • HedonismBot

        Sounds like my last job, from which I was fired/quit (it's complicated and ugly.) I have a really nice coat with the corporate logo on it, but I feel wrong about wearing it.

        • DoktorThompson

          Is it a Penn State jacket, by chance?

          • HedonismBot

            No, but I see what you did there!

    • Mrspanky

      It's much more effective to offer the designated bribee a job for her kid and the bribee a double-dip executive job after government service. See Darleen D. ex-Boeing love interest.

      Swag is for wimps!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Why does America's novelty industry HATE AMERICA???

  • An_Outhouse

    All that quality swag is being manufactured in the U.S., right?

  • widestanceshakedown

    Swag are people, too, my friend?

    • NYNYNYjr

      Supreme Court rules Swag, Soylent Green is People. People!!

  • MaxNeanderthal

    A falconer acquaintance of mine says all the fish eagles (of which the bald eagle is one) have a nasty habit of cracking you one round the ear when you least expect it, with their wing joint. Sound like anyone you know…?

    • flamingpdog

      I dunno, is it their right wing?

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Actually, you're spot on, it IS always their right wing (hawks always sit on the falconer's left hand).

  • poncho_pilot

    what does this mean for my Impeachment Series Pre-Stained Blue Dress? i mean, i know they used an auto-ejaculator machine–i don't think Bill Clinton could stain a limited edition of 2,000 dresses in a month–but i was told it would go up in value. but now it's crap? harsh realm, man.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Oh, poncho, what you got was probably just a lot of punk staffer spunk. Mark it up and get it up on ebay as soon as possible.

    • HarryButtle

      2000 / 30 = 66.67 money shots per day. Not even that rascal Bill is man enough for that…JIZZ LIBEL!

    • flamingpdog

      I guess technology keeps on moving forward. Never heard of the auto-ejaculator machine, but I sure remember the auto-suck vagina.

      Not that I ever owned one myself, no, no, no.

      • poncho_pilot

        i've heard tell of this device being marketed at truckers. seems a little dangerous. you'd probably get a better result jamming your dick straight into the cigarette lighter.

      • poncho_pilot

        auto-ejaculator machine looks a little like this:
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX1C7NkLALU

  • El Pinche

    No swag: President hates capitalism and freedom! Impeach!

    Swag: President is a goddamn nigra socialist ..spend, spend, spend. Impeach!

    Barry, realize this.

    • GOPCrusher

      Tea Baggers showing up at a Town Hall, toting guns and screaming SOCIALISM=free speech

      OWS protesters showing up at a Michele Bachmann speech=goddamn liberals trying to stop dissenting opinion

  • rocktonsam

    I have to have one of them I"m with stupid " golf shirts!!!!!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Ya lost me . Which is easy to do.
    But I haven't even had one yet.

    • Chichikovovich

      Sorry. Tried to get too clever. I was going to write "And we haven't even started drinking yet." (I don't drink alcohol at all, so it was just fer funnin') Then it occurred to me that to judge by the postings of some commenters, in fact many of them may well have started. So I thought, well, if the original line won't work, maybe try some hyperbole? Hence "And many of us haven't even finished the fourth drink yet." But that didn't quite click, so then I figured a tweak – replace "drink" with something specific. Had to be something that both men and women (drawing on stereotypes) could pick. I figured "marguerita" did the job best.

      You probably didn't want that much detail, right? Probably shouldn't have used assembly language.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Now I had to look up 'assembly language'.
        Don't matter. Carry on!

      • bagofmice

        Pushing and popping on a Friday night.

      • MOG2410

        Please board that for the slower members of the group – me.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Will KBJ or Ken or WonkJr be passing out Wonkette swag at live blogging of tomorrow's Palmetto State Repube Debase? Will someone throw drowning Perry a cinder block that he for sure will grab thinking it's a life-preserver?

    • Geminisunmars

      I think Letterman already did that.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Mitt did that, when he tossed Ricky that "EPA" brick at the debate.

    • HedonismBot

      That would be fitting if that cinder block bore the Department of Energy logo.

  • richmx2

    Having endured summer camp, I never understood what a "jolly swagman" was, but now I know what an unjolly one is.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Oh, he's that colorful figure out of Australian folklore who comes around to all the sheep stations and gives the ladies what they want. That's why he's jolly.

    • Chichikovovich

      You know – it's a guy who sits by a billabong with a jolly jumpbuck in his tuckerbag.

      • Nostrildamus

        There were birds in the hills
        But I never heard them singing
        No I never heard them at all
        Till there was ewe.

    • tessiee

      "Having endured summer camp, I never understood what a "jolly swagman" was"

      Oh! I remember this song! My mother plays piano, and when we were little tots, we would sing it. If I remember the explanation in the music book, a "swagman" was a guy who wandered around the country, like a migrant worker. A "billabong", that he was camped beside, is a river bed. A "jumbuck" is a lamb. That used to be one of my favorite pages in the book, because of the picture of the lamb.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Once, while visiting Australia, I was asked to play guitar while everyone on the veranda (drunkish and maudlin) sang "Waltzing Matilda."

        After it was over, I broke the thoughtful, wistful silence by saying, "OK. I don't get it. It's a song about a wandering bum who gets caught stealing a sheep so he drowns himself. And this is your national song?"

        But I made up for it by drinking them all under the table that night, so they decided I was a 'right cobber after all.

  • Mike Licht

    They can have my Bureau of Land Management paperweight when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Are you sure that's a paperweight?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It used to be an ore sample, but that was before they glued on the BLM logo.

  • cheetojeebus

    These geegaw folks sound fun, Do they have those pens that have a little lady inside and when you tilt it a certain way her clothes fall off? That was my first response, my second is to stare forlornly into a buttonhole on my shirt, waiting for it all to end.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Matt Bertram of Fields Manufacturing sells crap that is so shoddy and cheap that the Chinese outsource it to Vietnam.

  • DahBoner

    Back in the day, "SWAG" meant Stupid Wild Ass Guess

    • bagofmice

      Stuff We All Get.

    • shiningmathpath

      more formally known as a "Rectal Estimate"

  • chascates

    And speaking of war . . .
    Mitt Romney: Maybe Veterans' Health Care Should Be Privatized
    Romney, who has already proposed privatizing Medicare, suggested that maybe giving wounded warriors an outside option would force VA health bureaucrats to be a little more responsive.

    "When you work in the private sector and you have a competitor, you know if I don't treat this customer right, they're going to leave me and go somewhere else, so I'd better treat them right," Romney said. "Whereas if you're the government, they know there's nowhere else you guys can go. You're stuck.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      What stops vets getting private care? Nothing. Well, nothing apart from their preexisting conditions like missing limbs or traumatic brain injury. That and the prohibitive cost.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Fuck, I thought Mittens actually wanted to win this thing.

      He'll lose because of these ridiculous conservative positions he's taking on entitlement programs and then the wingnut chorus (not to be confused with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir) will claim it was because he wasn't conservative enough.

      • Chichikovovich

        I can't believe this post went 9 hours without someone replying "But it is the Moron Tabernacle Choir". I know it's the weekend, and it was overnight, but still, we gotta pick up our game. (Australian and Asian Wonketeers – you were on watch! What happened?)

    • Radio99%

      Give 'em War Coupons.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, because entire private industries never treat their customers like total shit. /rolleyes That's why it's so fun flying on a plane or buying insurance or dealing with the mortgage companies or dealing with banks…Mitt, you are really testing my very last nerve. You're supposed to be sane one, and all we get is recycled, boilplate, bullshit, conservative talking points.

      What a narrow, mean-spirited, unserious, and morally decayed party you belong to. This idea that in the type of capitalist system we run here in 'Merika that competition necessitates better service is a fucking lie and everyone knows it.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Mitt's money insulates him from capitalism's darker side, like it was Owens Corning for reality.

        • shiningmathpath

          Romney is all insulation

        • Negropolis

          He's really trying asbetos he can.

  • Jerri

    Goddamn it. Now I'll never get my Department of Agriculture branded pedometer.

    • user-of-owls

      Too soon!

      Oh, wait. Sorry. I thought you said your University of Pennsylvania branded pedometer.

      • Chichikovovich

        Moderator/delete person: Get ready for thousands of University of Pennsylvania fans posting Penn State!!!!!!!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm betting that this particular bit of Government-labeled swag is going to be exempted.

    You know … priorities.

    • BlueStateLibel

      That's a nice piece of swag there. How many souls if I may ask?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well one way to dramatically reduce recruitment costs is universal conscription for two years at age 18 with no deferments. Also help with the unemployment in that age group.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Oooh – a job creatin' program! Let's see if we can come up with the GOP version:

        (1) This is a gubmint giveaway, therefore
        (2) you don't want to give this benefit to people who don't need it, therefore
        (3) it's only fair that you have to be poor to qualify for mandatory conscription.

        You could probably, actually, sell this idea to the GOP.

        • HistoriCat

          I thought this whole Bielzebub thing was an act but damn … that is pure evil!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            {Takes bow, with sweep of fuligin cape}

        • MOG2410

          1969 all over again.

  • AlterNewt

    I thought it was the past tense of 'swig'.

  • Negropolis

    OT: So, I decide to turn to the communist PBS's NewsHour program for the first time in forever, tonight. And what do I see? A story on OWS in the vein of "what did you do to make your husband hit you?" Every crime that has happened near these camps, or the one-offs inside the camp were painted as OWS spinning out of control into violence. This was on PBS, no less. One of the examples they used is what happened in Berkley the other day. It blew my mind. Apparently, being brutalized without provocation by the police is your fault. Apparently, some gang-related shooting in Oakland near the OWS camp is your fault.

    When you hear about the "liberal media", just shut the conversation down, right there. It's not even worth to go any further.

    • tessiee

      Occupy Portland is supposed to evacuate this weekend. apparently, someone found a cinderblock, and concluded from that, that the occupants are "stockpiling" cinderblocks to use as weapons.

      • Negropolis

        Occupy Detroit is also getting pushed out, next week, and the Occupiers down in the park are trying to spin it as "well, we were going to find an indoor location by the start of winter, anyway." The usual arguments were used to get them out: sanitation and such. Apparently, they didn't mind the homeless people — love em to death, but — that used to shit in the park fountains before the occupiers moved in, but the occupiers cleaning up the park every morning are the problem. Yeah.

        • Radio99%

          Humans being humans, ZOMG. It's not like the Goldman Sucs is perfect or anything.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Screw PBS, we don't need their stinkin' totes. We are in the next-they-fight-you stage, so I'm not surprised at all.

    • Nostrildamus

      Pledge drives > The Holocaust

  • tessiee

    How does this affect the manufacture of knick-knacks, gimcracks, bric-a-brac, frou-frou, whatchamacallits, odds'n'ends, notions, and gewgaws?

    • user-of-owls

      Well, if today's earnings report from Consolidated Doo-dads & Whazzits is any indication, it doesn't bode well.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Lagniappe futures were down 20% at the open on the Shanghai market.

    • PuckStopsHere

      How about "thingys"? As in, "You know, that thingy over there."

    • not that Dewey

      "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down."

      -George Carlin

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Too bad he's gone! Ol' George would've LOVED this shit!

  • Negropolis

    OT, Again: Coach Izzo, I'm all for a challenging early schedule, but you don't throw your baby in th deep end to teach him or her how to swim. Or, to put it another way, you don't throw your freshman-ladden Spartans unto a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier in the Pacific in front of the fucking president of the United States against UNC. Sweet Jeebus, Tom, I love you but damn.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, you only lost by 12, that was a respectable showing.

      • Negropolis

        It kind of gets grating, though, after you lose to them the eleveteenth billion time. First game, championship game; it doesn't seem to matter. And, off we are to lose to Duke at Madison Square-fuckin-Garden! **sigh** Both of them have our number, UNC even more so than Duke.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          If it makes you feel any better, check out the score on (nationally ranked) UCLA vs. Loyola-Marymount. Yikes. Not a good night to be a Bruin.

        • not that Dewey

          It kind of gets grating, though, after you lose to them the eleveteenth billion time.

          I take it you're not a Cubs fan?

        • comrad_darkness

          Look at it this way, after this every game the rest of the season will be a cool cakewalk.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Well, the kids got to meet the president and hang out on the carrier so there was that. UNC is the price you gotta pay. You are not going to get the big stage like that if you insist upon playing Ferris Fucking State as "The School Who Shall Not Be Named" did last night.

      • Negropolis

        Sure, but then why not pair up UNC against Duke, then? I love my Spartans, but what the hell were they doing there if this was supposed to be a showcase for top-class talent?

        • horsedreamer_1

          In honor of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Steve Mariucci's special friend visited Navy personnel as part of an outreach by Lamba?

  • Negropolis

    Fields Manufacturing, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch thanks you for your continued contributions.

  • user-of-owls

    “The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the promotional lanyard.”
    ― Karl Marx Bertram

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      "Once the means of production are owned by the proletariat it probably means I won't get my sweet, sweet government coin"
      – Matt Trotsky, President, Fields Manufacturing and Novelty Monogrammed Icepick Company

      • not that Dewey

        One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a pain in the ass for the marketing department.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Brings a whole new perspective to "market segmentation"

          • Radio99%

            Stalinism strong armed Trinketism.

          • flamingpdog

            Jebus, Barry's got a green jobs czar, a health czar, even a freakin' Asian carp czar, so mebbe it's time to crank up the way-back machine and appoint a "crappy, Chinese-made shit that even Wal-Mart turns up its nose at" czar.

            Quit stallin', Barry!

          • Radio99%

            Hey you right wing 1%er Koch suckers, I gotta know, is the fascist usurper post-colonialism Kenyian socialist a Czarist or a Bolshevik?

          • Negropolis

            I think the correct answer really is "yes" this time. lol

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Appalling Katie.

          • not that Dewey

            From your link, it appears that FDR had a "rubber czar", so we could probably just update the job description and back-fill that position.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Asian carp is no fuckin' joke, but if you half-snicker and roll your eyes when you say it, like Piyush Jindal, you can look real stupid.

          • Negropolis

            Build the danged (underwater electric) fence!

      • Chichikovovich

        Scroungers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your keychains.

        • not that Dewey

          The production of too many useless things results in too many useless people.

      • user-of-owls

        "Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun-shaped lighter with a logo."
        – Matt Tse-Tung

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I could laugh at that, if only it were a joke.

  • Beowoof

    Move production of swag to Guantanamo, costs cut and money saved. Easy peasy.

  • spareme

    "Michele – where is my important crap in this drawerful of crap you have crammed into this crap drawer? God dammit, there oughta be a law…"

  • carlgt1

    it's hilarious they'll nickel-and-dime stuff like this rather than just chopping off one fighter jet they don't need; which would pay for this as well as 100 worthwhile social programs.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And that Cold War – World War III top gun fighter isn't as effective in a world of asymmetric engagements as a drone that costs oh so much less.

  • ttommyunger

    Can nobody in America take a punch anymore? What ever happened to "suck it up", "walk it off" or "grow the fuck up"? Seems like whining is the new National Past-time. I get really tired of this shit and the attitude of victimhood it portrays. Jerb creators, my ass, this shitstain is prolly no more than a middle-man between a buyer and overseas suppliers.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seems like whining is the new National Past-time.

      "New" National Pass-time? Where've you been napping, Mr Van Winkle?

      • ttommyunger

        Sorry.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I blame the negros.

      • ttommyunger

        ….and the brownz.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Whining will never replace the Old National Passtime.

          • BarackMyWorld

            Lynching?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Blaming negroes and browns.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    NOW I REMEMBER – The DOT. Department of Tchotchkes. That's the third one imma gonna shut down.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      With its notorious Feral Highwaymen Administration.

      • flamingpdog

        Don't forget the Folderol Trannysits Administration.

        • Negropolis

          Oh, and the Federal Bureau of Instigations.

  • Antispandex

    So, THIS is how we strike back at China. They don't allow us to import crap to their country, we cut off the crap industry here. I like it!…of course it won't work, but…

  • user-of-owls

    Barry to Bertram:

    "Waist pack, want not."

  • solarizucar23

    Rush Limbaugh have repeatedly stated that the government has never, ever, once created a single private sector job. I never imagined
    <a title="kral oyunlar" target="_blank" href="http://www.yenioyun.net">kral oyun

  • MozakiBlocks

    I used to collect all that swag from tradeshows and what not and give it to the various and asundry children in my extended family to play with.

    All it took was one night of shenanigans from the grandchildren and the "That Was Easy" red button from Staples to stop that practice.

    None of the grandchildren were harmed in the ensuing 'furore' but they will probably need therapy after witnessing the red button's end…

  • http://www.scribd.com/doc/71923813 4TheTurnstiles

    Crybaby cries too much.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    OT, but I came up with a great slogan for Cain's campaign:

    Cain: 100% of the Cain But None of the Mc That Gave You Indigestion

  • BarackMyWorld

    Is there another debate this evening?

    SNL won't be the only live comedy tonight, I guess…

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Tonight's sponsor is Spike TV and the World Wrestling Federation. The format will be a traditional question and answer inside a domed cage with maneating lions, tigers and leopards running loose.

    • Nostrildamus

      Speaking of useless fobs …

  • MzNicky

    Shall we meet here around debate-time and OccupyWonkette with a live-blog?

    • NYNYNYjr

      I'll meet you behind the 7-11 during the debate…for a live blog

      • MzNicky

        Herman? Herman Cain? Is that you?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Gingrich will save us all.

    • Rotundo_

      From what? Having to "do" Callista? All snark aside, when will one of these dumbasses drop out of the race? I know all about Michele and the grifter queen school of campaigning, it seems Cain is still in the race to sell books, as is Newt. But why is Huntsman still running? He is the closest thing to an adult on the dais and still is in single digits. I don't think Santorum is trying to peddle a book. None of them will give up early on! T-Paw has to be feeling pretty damned stupid at this point. He could have grifted along with the breeze like the rest of them.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Huntsman is laying down a marker for future GOP sanity. Good fucking luck!

    • BarackMyWorld

      All the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"… and I'll whisper "no."

  • Buckminster

    If it weren’t for swag, there’d have been a lot of naked radio station disc jockeys in the 1970s and 1980s. Half my wardrobe was promotional tee shirts and all of my “dinnerware” came from radio station promotions, as in cups, cup holders, sporks, and anything else I could manage to snag from the remote van. Plus, we ate on pizza coupons and free bean dip and pop from the local sponsors a whole lot. Good times, but I’m glad things aren’t quite that rugged now that I’m in my 50s and got out of the radio biz.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Just checked in at CBS . Rebecca Kaplan Campaign reporter for CBS/National Journal covering (at the moment) the Rick Perry campaign ………says:

    28 minutes till the CBS-NJ debate! Get pumped!

    Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/2718-250_162-1335.html#ixz

    • BarackMyWorld

      Ugh…I hate it when they act like this stuff is a sporting event.

      Sporting events usually aren't this tragic…unless it's a Penn State game.

    • not that Dewey

      That site features some American Idol-style voting widget. Cast as many votes for Santorum as you possibly can.

    • BarackMyWorld

      That live chat they have on their page is terrible.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I just noticed tonight's Republican debate will be broadcast on C.B.S.

    And we'll definitely see B.S.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I don't think I can deal……….

    latest tweet………

    "Scott Pelley and Major Garrett warm up the crowd"

  • BarackMyWorld

    Santorum's opening statement has been leaked:
    "I'm glad to be here on CBS, though I should point out that 'The Big Bang Theory' is just a theory."

  • BarackMyWorld

    This is the foreign policy debate, right?
    So, to preview:
    Israel, Israel, Israel, China, China, Iran, Israel, North Korea, Israel, Israel, Israel, Mexico.

    • flamingpdog

      YOU FORGOT POLAND!!!

      Oh, never mind.

    • Negropolis

      I love how when Perry was talking his batshit crazy plan to start every piece of foreign aid and included Israel in that, the controversy the next day wasn't the batshit crazy plan, itself, but that he said that Israel would have to meet the standard everyone else does. lol God forbid that we don't put Israel in a special box every single time we talk about it.

      And, they think we're going to follow them into war when they go fuck with Iran, next year. Bullshit. Good luck with that.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Huntsman is the only one with any serious foreign policy cred, but there likely will be swings at the Neuter since he's moved to be tied as top turd of the cess pool with Mittens. Larger chunks do tend to float to the top.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Cheapest. Podiums. Ever.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm only barely watching on my computer while my daughter is watching "Megamind" on our TV. I got monstrous egos in stereo.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Neuter wants a Phoenix Program redo in Iran and whack their pols & scientists.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Comedy Central's Indecision Forever is getting in some good liveblog zingers right now.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I think I'm gonna turn the sound off for a while and just enjoy their suits. Those are some nice suits.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Santorum is creating a frothy mix cornholing Shrub & Newtie. BUTTSECHS!!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Michele trying to pull off the naughty librarian tonight, but needs glasses to complete it.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Scottie just called She1ey Congressman.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Huntsman just torched his Rethug campaign by saying we need to bring the troops home. Rationality will never sell with the Teas.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    God this is just painful.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      You know it when Batshit Bachmann & Frothy Santorum join Huntsman as the only ones who appear to have a clue about Pakistan.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Santorum actually sounded well-prepped on that one.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Ah, shit….I hope this doesn't make him the next contestant in the "Let's Take a Second Look At…" game the media is playing.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    She1ey scolding Rick about being oblivious about the Pakis having nukes.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Needs moar creme pie tossing.

    • BarackMyWorld

      If that's euphemism for botox, I think Michele already got it all.

  • hebmskebm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUSFY28-noA

    Here is ten straight hours of Herman Cain saying 9-9-9. Do with this what you will.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      We'll stand it on its head.

    • not that Dewey

      I didn't realize that Negativland had a new album coming out.

  • BarackMyWorld

    CBS hopes their audience is enjoying their movie of the week:
    "Slow White-lady and the Seven Dorks."

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Holy fuck, Newt brings up Agenda 21???!!! And the crowd applauded. Alex Jones just plotzed.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Ha ha, Santorum won't hire anyone who might disagree with him. That's what you want in a president.

    • BarackMyWorld

      To be fair, it's not like he'll actually be getting to hire anyone who agrees with him either.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        True. His unelectability gives him license to let his imagination run wild. I'd like to think that's the motivation for all the absolute crazy we're hearing up there on the stage, but I think these people all really are as stupid as they sound.

        • jus_wonderin

          After I win the lottery, I am going to invent Warp Drive and build the USS Enterprise and explore our quadrant of this galaxy.

          • Dok-cupy Everything

            When I pointed out to a cow orker years ago that you're twice as likely to be hit by lightning as to win the lottery, she happily announced, "Yeah, but if want to get hit by lightning you gotta play golf in the rain," and went off to buy her weekly tickets.

          • Biff

            Really? She orks cows?
            Thought I invented cow orking.

    • Negropolis

      I shouldn't have been, but I really was kind of surprised how blatant he was about letting everyone know just how narrow minded he is. Team of Rivals his administration would not be. More like Team of Echoes.

    • not that Dewey

      You know who else wouldn't hire anyone who might disagree with him?

      • HistoriCat

        J. Edgar Hoover?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Mike Shanahan?

      • flamingpdog

        I'm gonna wait another 24 hours, and if nobody says "Hitler?" by this time tomorrow, then I'll say "Hitler?"

      • BarackMyWorld

        Donald Rumsfeld?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Now Rick Perry brings in the whole Palinesque "I've been Commander in Chief over the National Guard of my state" point. Douchebag.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Did he forget he spent most of the 1970s as a pilot in the U.S. Air Force? Wow, this guy…

      • flamingpdog

        I would really have hated to be on a plane with him when he said, "OOPS".

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Shelly claims Obama is allowing the ACLU to run the CIA.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Stupid! Everyone knows Obama gave the CIA to ACORN.

      • Negropolis

        Silly Sheley, everyone knows that the ACLU runs the DoJ. She needs to get her whack-a-doodle conspiracies right.

        • Biff

          I thought that contract expired when Barry traded Rahm Emanuel to Chicago for next year's top draft pick?

  • Negropolis

    Debate time!

    Perry just totally slurred China. I'm not fan, but saying that China will "end up on the ashheap of history" is not what you want to be saying about such a huge trading partner.

    Oh, and Michele "the ACLU runs the CIA" Bachmann? Yeah, you over there. Bitch, please.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Really? There's been a China since about 200 B.C.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        So they're past due, I guess is the thinking.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I thought the Republicans all worshiped David Petraeus.

    • not that Dewey

      That's the very same CIACLU that Newt wants to use to neutralize all the Iranian scientists and Syrian businessmen, right?

  • Negropolis

    It's a fucking crime how disrespectful they are to Huntsman. It's sick, really.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Could be worse…he could be Buddy Roemer. They won't even let his ass in the building.

    • Rotundo_

      The guy has two strikes against him from the beginning: He's LDS so the religious types hate him since being Mormon isn't christian enough for them. He is also one hell of a lot more intelligent than any 6 of the others there combined. The Mormon part is a difficult enough issue for him to hurdle over, being intelligent is just one bridge too far for a party that can only reconcile its core beliefs by a lack of intelligence. It is a shame for them, he probably is the only one of the lot that could hold his own in a debate with Obama. I just can't believe that these folks are the best and brightest of the republican brand.

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        GOP has already ceded the Prez election. That much is clear. And propping up a batshit crazy woman and a priggish self-righteous black man with salacious skeletons in his closet is their way of throwing their hands up and saying "this is why women and blacks just don't fit in to today's GOP."

        The GOP likes Obama just fine. They're very very happy with how the last 3 years have gone down. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

  • El Pinche

    The debate needs more Muppets (besides Kochmuppets).

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Herman Cain would torture Gitmo detainees by giving Godfathers Pizza the contract to run the kitchen there.

  • BarackMyWorld

    You know, if in 2016 the Republican go for their normal schtick of nominating a runner-up from a previous election…I don't see any of these schmucks being able to step up to the challenge.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I'm amazed any of these idiots are able to step up to the challenge of dressing themselves. The stupid just never fails to amaze.

      • BarackMyWorld

        You really think they dress themselves?

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Good point. What basis do I have for giving them the benefit of the doubt?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Palin didn't.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Shelly now promising to get rid of the programs LBJ gave us in with the Great Society. Good luck getting rid of Medicare, Shelly.

  • V572625694

    Sheley wants to make us like China! Horribly poor, dirty and growing! She's so brilliant.

    • user-of-owls

      Horribly poor, dirty and growing!

      So, like her foster kids in other words.

    • not that Dewey

      In her words, China is "not a welfare state" and "doesn't have food stamps", therefore they are a model of perfection.

      • Negropolis

        Damn, I know China's economy has changed quite a bit, but did Shells forget that it's a fucking communist country? Hot damn, she's dumb,.

        • not that Dewey

          Even setting aside for the moment the communism/welfare state distinction, which she'll never get, does she really think US America should be more like China in some other way? Perhaps in our treatment of political prisoners? Or our internet censorship policy? OH! I KNOW! Corporate CEOs should be executed when there's a public safety scandal involving one of their products. That's what she meant, right?

  • V572625694

    Herman punts on the "invade Pakistan" question. What a pussy — "ask my advisors"…a stockbroker in Cleveland?

    • BarackMyWorld

      He didn't try calling it Paki-paki-paki-stan-stan?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        No, but Poopy-Pakistan-stan came through loud & clear.

  • Beowoof

    What, no live blog of tonight's republican bullshit session? Thank you.

  • V572625694

    Why do their lecterns look like modernist shopping carts with drafting tables on top of them? Do not want to see their legs this much, not even Sheley's.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Not that there was any reason I had to be watching that anyway, but thank Dog it's over. I've never seen a collection of people that stupid outside of a Special Ed classroom.

    • user-of-owls

      Go on, say it. You were tempted to say retarded, weren't you?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        I presumed it wouldn't go through. Though I'm not sure either stupid or r*tarded does justice to what I just watched. Hella r*tarded, maybe? Still insufficient.

        EDIT: I actually used the real word and the administrator deleted it. Don't know how yours got through.

        • user-of-owls
          • comrad_darkness

            pǝpɹɐʇǝɹ? How about just Tri-G?

          • RadiosTyrone

            David "User-of-Owls" Copperfield will never release his re†arded trick. And now he is rubbing our noises in it.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Is this the Lincoln Elementary School special needs class festival? If it's not, I have no idea wtf is going on.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "If we re-elect Barack Obama, Iran will have a nuclear weapon. And if you elect Mitt Romney, Iran will not have a nuclear weapon."
    -Mitt Romney

    I'm going to use this quote every time someone says the Democrats are too mean to the Republicans.

  • littlebigdaddy

    This is all nonsense. Instead of worrying about Mittens you can listen to the best song ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxKTzwaEa2o

    • not that Dewey

      Thanks, that was great. While listening to that, I decided to go joyriding on wikipedia and it went Richard Thompson -> Mitchell Froom -> Tchad Blake -> Soul Coughing, one of my favorite bands. Good music and interesting musical trivia — the perfect Sunday morning!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Since this is a debate, do Wonketteers prefer Richard Thompson's Black Lightning or Hunter S. Thompson's Black Shadow? None ninja bike references, svp.

  • flamingpdog

    So, has the foreign policy debate started yet?

  • neiltheblaze

    I want one of those Supreme Court Magic 8 Balls before they run out!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      From some of their recent hallucinations rulings, seems Thomas, Scalia, Alito, and Roberts have been taking some outside shots of the Supreme Court Magic Speedballs.

      • El Pinche

        With Koch-discounts!
        good god… I just noticed your extremely disturbing avatar , a horrid amalgamation of Newt/Callista.

    • Negropolis

      You better get 'em quick. I hear Roberts is bulk ordering them for the court's next session.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I still can't be sure if that was a real debate last night, or Saturday Night Live was on early.

    Also I loved the way Hermie said the "Arab spring has gotten out of hand." Hey, Hermie, why don't you take your little bad ass self over to Yemen and tell the protesters there exactly how you feel.

    • El Pinche

      Herb: "Please don't beatybeatybeatybeatystan the shit out me !!! "

    • Rotundo_

      Pro-democracy movements everywhere are getting out of hand, but those ones in the monarchies and dictatorships that we are propping up are just too much for Hermie to tolerate. This guy really is a cartoon character of a candidate isn't he? We can't have all this freedom stuff breaking out! It might interfere with (sudden reverent intonation) PROFITS! Make it stop now!

      • iburl

        And I love how he gets all this cred as a Pizza Man! It's not like he invented Godfather's Pizza. He was inserted into the corporation after they were huge, and Cain's role was to shut down stores to increase profits. Job creation, not so much.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          It's, um, job creation because, errr – more dividends for shareholders or something.

          None of this Republimath is supposed to make sense. Just lap up the shit and imagine that one day you'll be a hugely rich person and it makes sense. Just don't be Soros or Buffett, they're communists who believe in welfare or some such. Also Gates, he's a cunt who has a foundation. No, be selfish. SELFISH! Also, elect republicans.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    Swag = carney turds

    • Rotundo_

      So they smell like beer, cotton candy and deep fried (insert name of highly improbable food like substance here) and meth?

  • BarackMyWorld
    • Chichikovovich

      Michele Bachmann: "If you look at China, they don’t have food stamps. … They don’t have AFDC. They don’t have the modern welfare state."

      Unbelievable. Here's a hint for you Michele: China is a communist country. Their social and economic systems are intentionally based on Marx's theories of class struggle and control of the means of production. How is it possible for someone to be this dense?

      Shorter Michele Bachmann: Marxist Socialism, which Obama espouses, is awful. So we should be more like China instead.

      • El Pinche

        I'm just glad psycho-eyes will soon disappear from public forum forever to run her human farm in Minnesota.

      • paris biltong

        My Chinese acupuncturist, a recent immigrant here in Paris, thinks that "France very good for workers – holiday, insurance – but China much better for bosses."

    • flamingpdog

      Gingrich … claimed Obama repudiated former president Mubarak “overnight,” when in fact the president took seven days before he publicly urged Mubarak to begin an “orderly transition” of power.

      Aw, give Newtie a break! He said if he hadn't gone into politics, he would have been a zoo director or a vertebrate paleontologist. To a vertebrate paleontologist, 7 million days is "overnight".

      • BarackMyWorld

        Could you IMAGINE Newt Gingrich as a zookeeper?

        "Young man, your question indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of the basics of species identification. Those dolphins are not fish, but mammals. I am attempting to substantially alter your perception of animal life by correctly identifying something basic: fish breath water and mammals breath air, a misconception which defies common sense."

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          That's a $3M bill for Sea World right there, in Newtie-math.

          I wonder how he'd get on with in a more challenging forum, like Busch Gardens.

          "Well, you see, the great apes are simply large monkeys. No, no, ignore the so-called facts you've been taught. There's a simple truth here. Do they look like large monkeys to you? Yes? Then they're monkeys, and ignore the ivory-tower scientists. Oh, gibbons? You're going there? They have a brachiating locomotive method and complex social groups, yes. However, do they look like your idea of a monkey? Yes? Then they're monkeys. Also, abolish the EPA. Thanks, I've been Newt Gingrich."